Young Ladies in Waiting

[paris29]

I noticed when I was doing my introduction and replying to other introductions that there were quite a few young ladies in waiting so I though I would start a thread for all the young ladies in waiting or even those young ladies who are engaged. From past experience I have had a lot of people say I am too young etc, so I thought that a type of support group would be good to have for all of us.

Just some background info on me: I am 21 and so is my FF. I am about to start grad school in the fall and FF has about 2 more years before he receives his BA. We have been together 4.5 years in July and hopefully will be getting engaged by the end of the summer.

 

[slg47]

paris what are you starting grad school in?

i''m 24 but not sure if that counts as young BF is 26

 

[Grlsbestfrnd]

I think I''m pretty young, 23 and I turn 24 on August 11th (hmmm I wonder if he''ll propose on my bday... just thought about that for the first time lol). My BF is the same age and turns 24 soon after me.

I actually have the opposite problem. Most people ask me why I''m not married yet. I think I''m still young so it''s silly. On the other hand, I have been dating my BF for 6 years now so that could be what they mean lol.

A few years back when I would mention wanting to get married around 25 people would say that that was a little young (but I don''t think it is at all). I''m sure being 21 you hear it a lot more. I don''t think 21 is too young as long as you''re mature and ready for marriage.

 

[4ever]

I''m 22 in October and BF just turned 30 this past weekend.

I think for the most part being "too young" or not too young to get married is about a couple’s maturity level, life experience and readiness to get married rather than their biological age.

I do worry that my mum will tell me I am too young when we get engaged just because she was 21 when she got married and I think she wishes she had waited longer.

 

[PrincessLily2009]

I''m not on the list, but I am a young LIW. I''m 21, and he''s 23. He also has 2 years left of undergrad, and I''m about to start nursing school. I find that people go both ways. Some people, especially those who married young, bother me about why we aren''t married. My parents married at 19/20, so its been very hard to explain the waiting to them, especially.

I work with the elderly, and most of them tell me not to marry until I''m at least 30. Usually male friends are the ones who tell me not to rush things. Most women I talk to seem to understand.

I come from a very religious background/community, though. Marrying soon/young is kind of the norm.

 

[zoe_rhiana]

Hello!

I don''t post very much due to signing up right when life got crazy busy, but I do check in and read all the updates a fair bit!

I''m 22 and bf is 24, and I tend to get a fair bit of "you''re too young to be settling down", mainly from my single friends and relatives close to my age. It''s irritating - yes we live together and enjoy curling up on the couch some evenings, but we still go out a lot and have very active social lives, both together and independently... I must admit that it gets to me occasionally because I feel like nothing short of being single again will satisfy the critics!

OK so I needed that vent

I don''t know what things will be like when we get engaged, but that will probably happen no sooner than 2 years from now so hopefully by then we''ll be older and people will be excited (probably saying "FINALLY!") rather than critical based on our ages.

Could I perhaps pose an age-based question - do any of you have a certain age by which you would prefer to be married?

-emeraldlightning

 

[Indylady]

Count me in!

My SO and I have been together for about 3 and half years, 4 in September. We''re in no particular rush.. Once in a while I''ll see hear about a couple moving in together or getting married, and I''ll feel a tinge of LIW-itis, but all in all I''m pretty happy with life now.

We''re trying to plan graduate school near each other, and it is a total PITA. We''re applying to basically the same schools, and focusing on areas that have more than one school we''d each like to go to. However, that means a) we have to get in and b) find a way to be funded. Gah.

Emerald- I don''t have an age in mind. We''d both like to have kids by/before 30, so ideally at least a few years before then.

 

[Autumnovember]

Hello!

I''m 22 and I''ll be 23 in November. SO is 36 and will be 37 in July. Yep, we have a 14 year age difference

It will be 3 years for us July 7th.

I graduated with my BA in May and I''m currently taking 4 pre-requisite classes so that I can start an accelerated BSN program in Jan. Fast forward 15 months from then and I''ll have my BA, BSN-RN and hopefully be doing psychiatric nursing.

Thats all!

 

[peonies]

It''s so nice to see other young ladies here! But I am still the youngest I think. Boyfriend and I are both 20, but we will both be 21 before we are engaged, and 22 before we are married. We have lived together for a year and a half so I think we know each other pretty well by now. We both graduate from the same university in June of 2012, so we want to get married that summer before boyfriend goes to Veterinary school. Honestly I haven''t gotten many "you''re too young!" comments, but I am sure they will start as soon as I get engaged. So far all my dad has said to me is "you better elope, because I paid for a private university, not your wedding." so we will either have a really really small wedding, or elope!

 

[peonies]

Grlsbestfrnd - the dog in your avatar is soo cute, I have a yorkshire terrier at home and I adore her : )

 

[Callisto]

I definitely feel like I''m on the younger end of wanting to get engaged. SO and I are 22/23. While in an ideal world, I probably would have settled down a bit later in life, it''s a bit late to turn around now, and I''m very thankful to have every day with SO. SO and I have been together 4 years and live together. I know he''s the one for me so even if we put off getting married for another few years, it wouldn''t change our relationship or lifestyle at all. It scares me a little bit when I hear older couples say they wish they would have waited but I wonder if maybe they rushed into getting married whereas I really don''t think 4 years of dating is rushing anything haha. We are both very mature and have started our careers and agree on all the big lifestyle issues (kids, jobs, money, etc)so I am content with getting engaged/married younger in life.

That being said I''m a bit nervous about my extended family''s reactions. A few cousins on my mom''s side got married younger so that side of the family just keeps waiting for the big announcement. Whereas, my cousins on my dad''s side almost all got married in their late 20''s or are still not married (and they are all older than me). I''m a bit nervous I might get some snide comments from them, especially if I get engaged before some of my cousins who are in long term relationships. Guess we''ll see.

 

[CourtLynB]

I am 24, turning 25 in about a week. BF is 33, will be 34 in August. It''s 9 years, but it doesn''t seem like that usually. All of our friends are right around the 30 mark, but they all say they don''t see me as being younger than them. Which is very nice to hear. There are times they''ll talk about something and I''ll be like " i was still in elementary school when that happened". Sometimes it bothers me that BF has 9 years of living on me, but then I think I had 23 years I didn''t even know he existed and it took 32 years for him to find me.

We are the only couple of our group of friends not married or engaged, although not everyone lives together yet. We all know that an engagment is coming soon, maybe not as soon as I''d like.......haha, I''m so impatient and I''m sure I''m driving him nuts.

Age is just a number.

 

[Jessie702]

HaHa...i guess im counted as a young LIW....im 22, going to be 23 in August, and the SO is 46....yes, we have a 23 years age difference. Luckily for me, hes still hot and looks like hes in 30''s. We have been together for coming on 3 years Nov 17. Ive always liked older men, but lucked out with mine, since he is really my mate. When i saw Mate, i mean like Soul...sounds weird, but we connect on a level thats too hard to describe. Im stil in school, going for Education, specailizing in Special Ed and Theatre. Thinking of taking up a second major of biology. SO''s background is avaition and management. HeHe, we saw he has the common sense and im the book smart

 

[Autumnovember]

Date: 6/28/2010 11:57:37 AM
Author: Jessie702
HaHa...i guess im counted as a young LIW....im 22, going to be 23 in August, and the SO is 46....yes, we have a 23 years age difference. Luckily for me, hes still hot and looks like hes in 30''s. We have been together for coming on 3 years Nov 17. Ive always liked older men, but lucked out with mine, since he is really my mate. When i saw Mate, i mean like Soul...sounds weird, but we connect on a level thats too hard to describe. Im stil in school, going for Education, specailizing in Special Ed and Theatre. Thinking of taking up a second major of biology. SO''s background is avaition and management. HeHe, we saw he has the common sense and im the book smart

And I thought I had everyone beat! Haha. We always make people who don''t know SO guess his age and they always guess between 25-28. He''s 36! He''s also still very very good looking and looks younger then what he is. I too have always liked older guys, but never thought I''d end up with someone THIS much older.

 

[Grlsbestfrnd]

Date: 6/28/2010 10:23:54 AM
Author: peonies
Grlsbestfrnd - the dog in your avatar is soo cute, I have a yorkshire terrier at home and I adore her : )

Thank you! I bet your dog is adorable

I love Yorkies! She is a Maltese Pomeranian mix. Me and my BF call her our daughter lol. Yes, I''m a crazy dog lady

 

[kagordo4]

I''m 21, and SO is 24.

I cannot tell you how sick I am about hearing "how young" I am.

SO and I have been together for two years (minus two days this past week). Yeah we''re young and we have some issues but we''re working on them.

Oh and SO is a retired (and injured) marine. He fought in Iraq for two tours and was stabbed and shot (twice). I think it''s safe to say he''s probably more mature than about 80% of the people telling us we''re "sooo young".

Honestly I think the age comments come from cynical people that are older and single. : P

 

[Jessie702]

Date: 6/28/2010 12:21:23 PM
Author: Autumnovember

Date: 6/28/2010 11:57:37 AM
Author: Jessie702
HaHa...i guess im counted as a young LIW....im 22, going to be 23 in August, and the SO is 46....yes, we have a 23 years age difference. Luckily for me, hes still hot and looks like hes in 30''s. We have been together for coming on 3 years Nov 17. Ive always liked older men, but lucked out with mine, since he is really my mate. When i saw Mate, i mean like Soul...sounds weird, but we connect on a level thats too hard to describe. Im stil in school, going for Education, specailizing in Special Ed and Theatre. Thinking of taking up a second major of biology. SO''s background is avaition and management. HeHe, we saw he has the common sense and im the book smart

And I thought I had everyone beat! Haha. We always make people who don''t know SO guess his age and they always guess between 25-28. He''s 36! He''s also still very very good looking and looks younger then what he is. I too have always liked older guys, but never thought I''d end up with someone THIS much older.

HeHe.....yeah i know the feeling. Everyone i know, including my mom, keep saying hes so handsome...hehe....which is so is, even if he doesnt think it

. I knew i would end up with an older man, but i didnt think this much older too....but whats funny is, His dad was 18 years older than his mom, and my father was 23 years older than my mother also. Both his mom and mine had us in their 30''s while our fathers were in the 50''s. Looks like that might happen for us, expect ill be in my late 20''s. LoL....

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 6/28/2010 12:52:21 PM
Author: kagordo4
I think it's safe to say he's probably more mature than about 80% of the people telling us we're 'sooo young'.


Honestly I think the age comments come from cynical people that are older and single. : P

I'm married, in my 30's, and I DO think that the early 20's is awfully young to get married.

That does not mean I will tell people NOT to get married, nor does it mean I think that getting married young means it is doomed. I have seen some very young people seemingly have very healthy relationships, marriages and so forth (i.e. lilyfoot comes to mind). Just as I have seen some older people have very unhealthy ones. It DOES however mean that I think they are young and I do think that when they are IN IT they cannot yet see just how young they are. To deny you are young is naive, you ARE young. Chronologically, and biologically, you are young. If I say someone is "young" it is not a big personal attack against you as a person.

And the odds ARE against you. You ARE more likely to get divorced if you marry young. One can deny this and say they are different, of course. But it would be better served, in my opinion, to look at why the "odds are against you" and work on ways as a couple to ensure you are prepared, rather than to just say "we are different and no one knows us" or to label those who share concerns as "cynical and old". Some of those "cynical and old people" also thought at 21 or 22 they were immune from the "odds". No one really gets married thinking they are going to get divorced!

At the end of the day people need to make their own decisions, but that does not mean there are not valid personal reasons for my own concerns. And yes, these come from personal experiences as well. A LOT of change happens from the early 20's to your later 20's and beyond, and time after time I have seen peers (and even myself!) make decisions about relationships in their early 20's that were not made from a point in their life where they felt confident and sure of themselves, so they were decisions that often did not work out. It is one of those things that UNTIL you are several years on you can't see it.

And comments like "its safe to say he's probably more mature than about 80% of the people telling us we're "soooo young"" and saying the age comments come from "cynical people" just shows immaturity, from my personal perspective. Really, 80%? And really, everyone who does not hold a romanticized view is cynical? Are they bitter as they are old and single? Really? Most people I know do not see something WRONG withe being older and single, or even a bit cynical! And I know plenty of people who did marry young (some still married, some not) who do think they should of waited longer.

My husband is former military, with several combat tours (Bosnia, Afghanistan) and even he will say that in his early 20's (and his peers in their early 20's who also are in and have also been injured and seen an awful lot of death) would have been too young to get married. Not that it stopped all of them! Yes, these are significant life experiences, but ALL of us have our own life experiences (including myself) and they do not speed up the biological maturity of our brains (which finishes around the age of 25). They may have an affect on our emotional awareness, responsibilities, our life outlooks and so forth, but the brain itself still matures when it matures. Again, it does not mean you are doomed should you get married at a young age, but it does mean that perhaps you should take the time to understand and appreciate why age DOES matter.

All this is to say, just because I think someone is young, does not mean I am making a personal attack against them, or their relationship. I do think, however, that some would be better served working together as a couple on how to understand and improve the odds, should they want to get married, rather than defending themselves against what they see to be "attacks" on their maturity.

 

[Autumnovember]

Date: 6/28/2010 1:38:32 PM
Author: RaiKai

Date: 6/28/2010 12:52:21 PM

Author: kagordo4

I think it''s safe to say he''s probably more mature than about 80% of the people telling us we''re ''sooo young''.



Honestly I think the age comments come from cynical people that are older and single. : P

I''m married, in my 30''s, and I DO think that early 20''s is awfully young to get married.


That does not mean I will tell people NOT to get married, nor does it mean I think that getting married young means it is doomed. I have seen some very young people seemingly have very healthy relationships, marriages and so forth (i.e. lilyfoot comes to mind). It DOES however mean that I think they are young and I do think that when they are IN IT they cannot yet see just how young they are. To deny you are young is naive, you ARE young. If I say someone is ''young'' it is not a big personal attack.


And the odds ARE against you. One can deny this and say they are different, of course. But it would be better served, in my opinion, to look at why the ''odds are against you'' and work on ways as a couple to ensure you are prepared, rather than to just say ''we are different and no one knows us'' or to label those who share concerns as ''cynical and old''.



At the end of the day people need to make their own decisions, but that does not mean there are not valid personal reasons for my own concerns. And yes, these come from personal experiences as well. A LOT of change happens from the early 20''s to your later 20''s and beyond, and time after time I have seen peers (and even myself!) make decisions about relationships in their early 20''s that were not made from a point in their life where they felt confident and sure of themselves, so they were decisions that often did not work out. It is one of those things that UNTIL you are several years on you can''t see it.


And comments like ''its safe to say he''s probably more mature than about 80% of the people telling us we''re ''soooo young'''' and saying the age comments come from ''cynical people'' just shows immaturity, from my personal perspective. Really, 80%? And really, everyone who does not hold a romanticized view is cynical? Are they bitter as they are old and single? Really? I know plenty of people who did marry young (some still married, some not) who do think they should of waited longer.


My husband is former military, with several combat tours (Bosnia, Afghanistan) and even he will say that in his early 20''s (and his peers in their early 20''s who also are in and have also been injured and seen an awful lot of death) would have been too young to get married. Not that it stopped all of them! Yes, these are significant life experiences, but ALL of us have our own life experiences and they do not speed up the biological maturity of our brains (which finishes around the age of 25). They may have an affect on our emotional awareness, our life outlooks and so forth, but the brain itself still matures when it matures.


Oh, and there is nothing wrong with being older and single either

I agree with this even though I myself, AM young. I''m completely aware of how young I am and that there are odds against me. I do think many decisions I''ve made so far have been the right ones such as: no kids till I''m completely financially stable, even though if I really wanted to...I don''t have to work because of SO''s stability. That''s just one example. I think everyone''s lives are different and everyone has experienced various things that will differ from person to person thus making some "younger" individuals better prepared for marriage and the obstacles that come with it. Whenever anyone tells me, "you''re so young, you should wait" ...I never take offense. I AM young. Although I''ve been through some unmentionable things in my life, I know that my cup is still half full and I have so much more to learn. SO is going to be 37 and obviously has some years/experience on me and would not make such a big commitment if he felt I was immature or not ready for this.

 

[Jessie702]

Date: 6/28/2010 1:52:02 PM
Author: Autumnovember

Date: 6/28/2010 1:38:32 PM
Author: RaiKai

Date: 6/28/2010 12:52:21 PM

Author: kagordo4

I think it''s safe to say he''s probably more mature than about 80% of the people telling us we''re ''sooo young''.



Honestly I think the age comments come from cynical people that are older and single. : P

I''m married, in my 30''s, and I DO think that early 20''s is awfully young to get married.


That does not mean I will tell people NOT to get married, nor does it mean I think that getting married young means it is doomed. I have seen some very young people seemingly have very healthy relationships, marriages and so forth (i.e. lilyfoot comes to mind). It DOES however mean that I think they are young and I do think that when they are IN IT they cannot yet see just how young they are. To deny you are young is naive, you ARE young. If I say someone is ''young'' it is not a big personal attack.


And the odds ARE against you. One can deny this and say they are different, of course. But it would be better served, in my opinion, to look at why the ''odds are against you'' and work on ways as a couple to ensure you are prepared, rather than to just say ''we are different and no one knows us'' or to label those who share concerns as ''cynical and old''.



At the end of the day people need to make their own decisions, but that does not mean there are not valid personal reasons for my own concerns. And yes, these come from personal experiences as well. A LOT of change happens from the early 20''s to your later 20''s and beyond, and time after time I have seen peers (and even myself!) make decisions about relationships in their early 20''s that were not made from a point in their life where they felt confident and sure of themselves, so they were decisions that often did not work out. It is one of those things that UNTIL you are several years on you can''t see it.


And comments like ''its safe to say he''s probably more mature than about 80% of the people telling us we''re ''soooo young'' and saying the age comments come from ''cynical people'' just shows immaturity, from my personal perspective. Really, 80%? And really, everyone who does not hold a romanticized view is cynical? Are they bitter as they are old and single? Really? I know plenty of people who did marry young (some still married, some not) who do think they should of waited longer.


My husband is former military, with several combat tours (Bosnia, Afghanistan) and even he will say that in his early 20''s (and his peers in their early 20''s who also are in and have also been injured and seen an awful lot of death) would have been too young to get married. Not that it stopped all of them! Yes, these are significant life experiences, but ALL of us have our own life experiences and they do not speed up the biological maturity of our brains (which finishes around the age of 25). They may have an affect on our emotional awareness, our life outlooks and so forth, but the brain itself still matures when it matures.


Oh, and there is nothing wrong with being older and single either

I agree with this even though I myself, AM young. I''m completely aware of how young I am and that there are odds against me. I do think many decisions I''ve made so far have been the right ones such as: no kids till I''m completely financially stable, even though if I really wanted to...I don''t have to work because of SO''s stability. That''s just one example. I think everyone''s lives are different and everyone has experienced various things that will differ from person to person thus making some ''younger'' individuals better prepared for marriage and the obstacles that come with it. Whenever anyone tells me, ''you''re so young, you should wait'' ...I never take offense. I AM young. Although I''ve been through some unmentionable things in my life, I know that my cup is still half full and I have so much more to learn. SO is going to be 37 and obviously has some years/experience on me and would not make such a big commitment if he felt I was immature or not ready for this.

I agree that MOST people shouldnt get married at such a young age, but than i also think its depends upon the person and the couple. For example, my mother got married at a young age, 23....if it had not been for the fact that her husband was murdered, they would still be together today. They completed each other and grew together. I think that couple grow together, and the realtionship changes. The feelings for each other dont. Such as a young couple, yes, they have some " odds" aganist them, but if they learn and grow together, i think thats even better, than a couple who are older and stuck in their ways. Its a little easier to be flexible when your young, and dont have ways set, ya know that whole" you cant teach a old dog new tricks" thing. Another example would be my sister monique, she got married aout 5 years ago, and was divorced within two and she and he husband were both in their 30''s. I think that sometimes, age is just a number. My SO is in his 40''s but has the engery and mindset of someone in the 30''s or even maybe late 20''s. Wereas im older in my mindset due to things that have happened to me growing up. I learned quickly to stand on my own two feet at a young age. So it really depends on the person and the relationship. Do i feel that sometimes i MIGHT be too young to get married.... Yes...but thats just because i havent travelled as much as i have wanted, but do i feel ready to be married and settled down MOST time....yes. The SO and i have done so much together already in the 2.5 years we have been together, i cant wait to see what it will be like for the rest of our lives. We take vacations, even if just short, every 6 months. We still go out and have date nights almost every weekend, we we will go out to dinner and than go have a few cocktails together and destress. We have gones through a death in the family already and sickness. Job losses, and car wrecks. We have been through alot, i know we can make it through almost anything......"For better or worse, through Sickness and Health, till death due us part"......we have been through a lot of that already.

 

[MayFlowers]

FF and I are also young. We are both 21 right now. I will be 22 in November and he will be 22 next March. SO graduated a year ago with an Associate''s degree in drafting/engineering and has a great job. I will be graduating next May with a BS in Elementary Education. We have been together a little over 3 years.

Honestly, no one has ever said to us that we were too young. Most of our friends and family constantly ask when we are going to get engaged and why we are waiting so long. The only person who has ever said anything about us being young was my mother. I think partially she is afraid of letting her youngest child "grow up" (yes I''m the baby of the family). Besides that, I''m not really sure at all why she make comments about us being young. She and my dad married when she was 22 AND they had only known each other six months when they got married. So, I know she has nothing against marrying "young". She has also mentioned that she thinks it''s "weird" that me and SO are the same age. She said something about the fact that generally girls date older men because men mature later than women do. So, in order for a woman to get married when she is ready, she has to find someone older. Which I COMPLETELY disagree with. I think she applies this principle of maturing and age for men to SO and holds it against him. However, SO has had some major life experiences that forced him to mature at an early age.

Oh and I would like to ditto 4ever''s quote : "I think for the most part being "too young" or not too young to get married is about a couple’s maturity level, life experience and readiness to get married rather than their biological age" <-----This is so true! Some people are ready to get married at 21, and others aren''t ready until they are 30.

 

[TheyCall]

Hiiiii ladies!

My and my BF are 23. We have been together for 7 years and are looking at engagement within the next 1.5 years and wedding another 1.5 years out. My whole family has been asking (actually, his too) when we would get married for a few years now. My grandmother has literally been asking since I was 17 when we were going to get married. (TALK about SCARY).

We never really hear we are "too young" for marriage. Maybe its because we live in the South? Its kind of scandalous if you haven't settled down and popped out a kind by 30. For some of the girls I know, if you aren't married by 25 - you are a scandalous daughter and its a relief to the family when you finally do get married and it better not take long! His family, most of them were high school sweethearts that got hitched in college; My family, most met in college and were married shortly after or near the end of it. Neither of our families are as focused on "marrying off their daughter" as those girls and therefore are more focus on happiness. Thank goodness!! (I seriously feel badly for some of these girls. They were pretty much sent to college to find a husband and told that)

We are from a city in the south but study agriculture and so, I hate to stereotype, but when people we work with/go to school with, find out how long we have been together the next question is always "BF, why haven't you popped the question yet?" followed closely with a joke about how their "son is a strapping young fellow looking for a nice, educated, young lady" and how if BF doesn't get on the ball they "would love to introduce me." I work with a lot of older southern gentlemen and they are always asking why there isn't a ring on my finger yet. Most of the time, I find it cute and charming because they always mean well. Plus they know me and my BY well, so its all in good fun. Unless LIWitis is taking over... LOL in which case their cowboy sons start looking pretty nice. J/K!!

Really, I'm not in a crazy hurry. I just don't see the point in waiting. I don't have an "age" in mind, but I feel like I would like to be married by 25/26 and fear being one of those girls that dates someone for all their "good years" and then it all goes sour.

 

[paris29]

Slg47- My grad program is a clinical community masters/doctorate psychology program.

Emeraldlightening- I have some single friends who are like that and it becomes pretty annoying. I hate how people think that being engaged/married means you no longer have a life. I just don’t believe that is true. I would prefer to be married before I turn 23.

I totally agree that age shouldn’t be the major factor. If you and your significant other are mature enough to know what marriage and a relationship entails, I don’t think age should hold you back. My parents didn’t get married until their mid/late 30. They still have their problems, no relationship is perfect. Until recently they kept telling me I should wait 5 or so more years to get married, because that is what they see as the norm. But my mom recently found out her health wasn’t so good at her last doctor visit, which made her see how short life can sometimes be. I think she also took the time to look at our relationship and see that we are both mature individuals who have been through a lot individually and together and that we are ready to get married. So know she wants my FF and I to get married asap, which is definitely fine with me, we have been ready for a while now and nice to have full support from family members.

I have to agree that life experiences do mature people. It really just depends on the individual couple. Yes there are some odds against us younger girls but I think if you acknowledge the fact that there are odds and you and your SO are willing to work together and grow together, then you can get past the odds. I mean the US overall has a high divorce rate so there are odds against everyone. You have to be willing to combat them and get past them. Life is full of odds, they shouldn’t stop you from doing what you know is the right decision for yourself and your SO. I don’t think someone should group any age group together and pass judgment on them based on stereotypes and a few studies. Everyone is different, what works for some or may be true for some does not apply to every single person. Some people in their early twenties are more mature than someone in their mid/late 30-40, and vice versa. One’s life experiences and personality have a lot to do with ones maturity level. I think that instead of focusing so much on age people should instead focus on how psychologically mature a person/couple is, if they know that marriage is more than love that it is commitment, dedication and hard work and they are willing to do everything to make their relationship work, they will be fine. Growing together, learning together, communicating and many more factors are key to a healthy relationship and marriage and two people who are willing to work on all those things will be just fine.


I''m so glad to hear from others around my age. I know someone asked if there was age everyone would like to get married by, so I was wondering if you do want to have kids, is there an age you would like to start ttc? I know I would like to have our first child by 25-26. Also how many kids would you like to have? FF and I want to have 3-4.

 

[paris29]

I almost forgot what kind of rings are you girls hoping to get. Here is a pic of the setting I had in mind with an oval diamond. I'm so excited for this thread

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 6/28/2010 1:38:32 PM
Author: RaiKai

Date: 6/28/2010 12:52:21 PM
Author: kagordo4
I think it's safe to say he's probably more mature than about 80% of the people telling us we're 'sooo young'.


Honestly I think the age comments come from cynical people that are older and single. : P

I'm married, in my 30's, and I DO think that the early 20's is awfully young to get married.

That does not mean I will tell people NOT to get married, nor does it mean I think that getting married young means it is doomed. I have seen some very young people seemingly have very healthy relationships, marriages and so forth (i.e. lilyfoot comes to mind). Just as I have seen some older people have very unhealthy ones. It DOES however mean that I think they are young and I do think that when they are IN IT they cannot yet see just how young they are. To deny you are young is naive, you ARE young. Chronologically, and biologically, you are young. If I say someone is 'young' it is not a big personal attack against you as a person.

And the odds ARE against you. You ARE more likely to get divorced if you marry young. One can deny this and say they are different, of course. But it would be better served, in my opinion, to look at why the 'odds are against you' and work on ways as a couple to ensure you are prepared, rather than to just say 'we are different and no one knows us' or to label those who share concerns as 'cynical and old'. Some of those 'cynical and old people' also thought at 21 or 22 they were immune from the 'odds'. No one really gets married thinking they are going to get divorced!

At the end of the day people need to make their own decisions, but that does not mean there are not valid personal reasons for my own concerns. And yes, these come from personal experiences as well. A LOT of change happens from the early 20's to your later 20's and beyond, and time after time I have seen peers (and even myself!) make decisions about relationships in their early 20's that were not made from a point in their life where they felt confident and sure of themselves, so they were decisions that often did not work out. It is one of those things that UNTIL you are several years on you can't see it.

I don't think anybody in this thread denied they were young. The part of kagordo4's post that you didn't quote actually says "yeah we're young" and the title of the thread is "Young Ladies in Waiting." I think the OP's purpose in starting this thread was to have a safe place where young LIWs could go and chat without all of the judgy "you're too young" comments. I guess they just can't escape!

I absolutely think you're right about the last highlighted line. That's why I don't know why older women insist upon lecturing younger women about why they should do this or shouldn't do that. It never worked on me so I won't subject any younger women to it now. I'm glad I made the mistakes I made in my early twenties - that's what made me who I am.

And I don't necessarily think that this "wait until your thirties" mentality for marriage and kids is necessarily great. Women are only fertile for so long and there's no guarantee that you will have a long, healthy life. I just lost a dear friend to lung cancer (she never smoked) at the age of 42. She had her daughter at 21 so she got to see a decent portion of her life. There's no way that she could have anticipated being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer at 42 but she was grateful to have her husband and daughter with her for half of her life.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 6/28/2010 3:47:07 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 6/28/2010 1:38:32 PM

Author: RaiKai

Date: 6/28/2010 12:52:21 PM

Author: kagordo4

I think it's safe to say he's probably more mature than about 80% of the people telling us we're 'sooo young'.



Honestly I think the age comments come from cynical people that are older and single. : P

I'm married, in my 30's, and I DO think that the early 20's is awfully young to get married.


That does not mean I will tell people NOT to get married, nor does it mean I think that getting married young means it is doomed. I have seen some very young people seemingly have very healthy relationships, marriages and so forth (i.e. lilyfoot comes to mind). Just as I have seen some older people have very unhealthy ones. It DOES however mean that I think they are young and I do think that when they are IN IT they cannot yet see just how young they are. To deny you are young is naive, you ARE young. Chronologically, and biologically, you are young. If I say someone is 'young' it is not a big personal attack against you as a person.


And the odds ARE against you. You ARE more likely to get divorced if you marry young. One can deny this and say they are different, of course. But it would be better served, in my opinion, to look at why the 'odds are against you' and work on ways as a couple to ensure you are prepared, rather than to just say 'we are different and no one knows us' or to label those who share concerns as 'cynical and old'. Some of those 'cynical and old people' also thought at 21 or 22 they were immune from the 'odds'. No one really gets married thinking they are going to get divorced!


At the end of the day people need to make their own decisions, but that does not mean there are not valid personal reasons for my own concerns. And yes, these come from personal experiences as well. A LOT of change happens from the early 20's to your later 20's and beyond, and time after time I have seen peers (and even myself!) make decisions about relationships in their early 20's that were not made from a point in their life where they felt confident and sure of themselves, so they were decisions that often did not work out. It is one of those things that UNTIL you are several years on you can't see it.

I don't think anybody in this thread denied they were young. The part of kagordo4's post that you didn't quote actually says 'yeah we're young' and the title of the thread is 'Young Ladies in Waiting.' I think the OPs purpose of starting this thread was to have a safe place where young LIWs could go and chat without all of the judgy 'you're too young' comments. I guess they just can't escape!

I absolutely think you're right about the last highlighted line. That's why I don't know why older women insist upon lecturing younger women about why they should do this or shouldn't do that. It never worked on me so I won't subject any younger women to it now. I'm glad I made the mistakes I made in my early twenties - that's what made me who I am.

And I don't necessarily think that this 'wait until your thirties' mentality for marriage and kids is necessarily great. Women are only fertile for so long and there's no guarantee that you will have a long, healthy life. I just lost a dear friend to lung cancer (she never smoked) at the age of 42. She had her daughter at 21 so she got to see a decent portion of her life. There's no way that she could have anticipated being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer at 42 but she was grateful to have her husband and daughter with her for half of her life.

I am not saying wait until your thirties, at all (though there is nothing wrong with it either, just as there is nothing wrong with marrying earlier). I also agree there is no guarantees. My mother had me when she was 21, and she nearly died at 48 (fortunately she did not and is still alive and well). She undoubtedly was glad to have had me, though even she often wished maybe she had waited a little longer! That being said, when I was 22 my boyfriend of five years died after a rather acute illness (he was just shy of 26) and there was no way, in retrospect, that we would have been ready to be married even if we had known that he was going to die in such a short period of time, never mind have children (and I certainly did have lots of life experiences and responsibilities, including living independently, by that age). Given my family history there is a VERY highly likelihood I will be facing cancer before I am 50, and at near 31, children are still a couple years off. And, I guess for me personally, I choose not to live my life in fear of what may be that way. I will enjoy the time I do have, whatever that is with the children I may have, for however long I am with them.

That being said, there are no guarantees that someone CAN have children before their thirties or will be with the right person before then, so I don't think fear mongering either way works (either that you are too young, or that you are going to be too old!)

I quoted what I quoted as my particular pickle was with the idea that certain "experiences" make you more mature, not that she in herself was denying she was chronologically young. I can honestly say I had many "maturing" life experiences far before I was 25 as well, but, I do still believe that EVERYONE has life experiences. So often I see the argument that someone has had these life experiences that have matured them, but, from an objective viewpoint...everyone has. We don't always know each others life experience, and they are not all the exact, and they may vary in intensity, but they are all life-forming, and you can't get through life without them. Life IS an experience. Of course they are lend to the maturing process, as life lends to the maturing process. They in itself do not make one mature. For me, when I see people argue that they are more mature than other people their age because of this or that experience, well, I can't think of someone who has ever NOT said something like that, know what I mean? Everyone is "more mature for their age"! Ha ha. I find it to be more "mature" to respond that "yes, I/we are young, and we appreciate that and have discussed these issues that may pose a problem due to our age, and this is why we are making this choice and so on" (i.e. see AutumnNovember's post for an example of what I mean).

I don't know, maturity is about a lot more than that, and it is something, that as you very correctly pointed out, is not something really "understood" in those early years, necessarily so it doesn't make much sense to really try, but, yet I do, because I so often see young women especially who are a bit blinded by a very romantic view of marriage (not all women by any means!) and pass off some rather glaring red flags as typical or normal behaviour and so forth due to that marriage focus. I see so many "settle" for something that is not healthy, which they likely would not have with some more years of growth behind them. It is THAT that concerns me more so than age, it just often seems to correlate to age.

The divorce rate for those getting married under 25 IS a lot higher than it is for those marrying after 30, and it skews the overall rate. The last time I saw stats, it was that those under 25 were more that twice as likely to get divorced than those over 30 (60% vs 30%). There are reasons for this. It may be because those after 30 are more selective in getting married in the first place. Or it may be as those who are younger are more open to divorce. It may be due to growing apart rather than together. There are MANY reasons, but there are definite odds against the younger marriages.

My point is certainly not to lecture, as I stated in my post, I am not going to tell someone to get married or not based on their age. I am just saying that sometimes those comments do come from a GOOD and well-meaning place, and aren't just being said as someone is a bitter old hag

. Those people who are making those comments HAVE been those younger ages too, and I think while they appreciate how pointless it may be, they also often feel concern about the situation.

That being said, everyone needs to make their own choices in life, and learn from those choices good and bad, and I certainly have no regrets about my own 20's (or the relationship choices I made then). I on the other hand also have absolutely no regrets about having waited until my 30's to get married! And I definitely don't think either my husband or I are "inflexible" or "set in our ways" for not having married younger as was indicated somewhere in this thread (or unable to have life experiences and growth together!), far from it. We are far more easygoing, self-aware and relaxed in ourselves, and in our relationship with each other, than either of us were many years ago with ourselves or with other partners. We both feel incredibly blessed to be together, however it happened, and in retrospect we are both very, very happy that life turned out as it did and we did not meet until we did (and did not marry anyone before that!). And in no way does that take away from someone having that with someone at a younger age!

Anyway, I appreciate this is a support thread for other "YOUNG Ladies in Waiting", and as I am neither a Lady In Waiting, or all-that young (though I would beg to differ...ha), I am signing out since it is not my desire to cause argument in this here thread despite my posts

 

[Autumnovember]

Date: 6/28/2010 3:37:49 PM
Author: paris29
Slg47- My grad program is a clinical community masters/doctorate psychology program.


Emeraldlightening- I have some single friends who are like that and it becomes pretty annoying. I hate how people think that being engaged/married means you no longer have a life. I just don’t believe that is true. I would prefer to be married before I turn 23.


I totally agree that age shouldn’t be the major factor. If you and your significant other are mature enough to know what marriage and a relationship entails, I don’t think age should hold you back. My parents didn’t get married until their mid/late 30. They still have their problems, no relationship is perfect. Until recently they kept telling me I should wait 5 or so more years to get married, because that is what they see as the norm. But my mom recently found out her health wasn’t so good at her last doctor visit, which made her see how short life can sometimes be. I think she also took the time to look at our relationship and see that we are both mature individuals who have been through a lot individually and together and that we are ready to get married. So know she wants my FF and I to get married asap, which is definitely fine with me, we have been ready for a while now and nice to have full support from family members.


I have to agree that life experiences do mature people. It really just depends on the individual couple. Yes there are some odds against us younger girls but I think if you acknowledge the fact that there are odds and you and your SO are willing to work together and grow together, then you can get past the odds. I mean the US overall has a high divorce rate so there are odds against everyone. You have to be willing to combat them and get past them. Life is full of odds, they shouldn’t stop you from doing what you know is the right decision for yourself and your SO. I don’t think someone should group any age group together and pass judgment on them based on stereotypes and a few studies. Everyone is different, what works for some or may be true for some does not apply to every single person. Some people in their early twenties are more mature than someone in their mid/late 30-40, and vice versa. One’s life experiences and personality have a lot to do with ones maturity level. I think that instead of focusing so much on age people should instead focus on how psychologically mature a person/couple is, if they know that marriage is more than love that it is commitment, dedication and hard work and they are willing to do everything to make their relationship work, they will be fine. Growing together, learning together, communicating and many more factors are key to a healthy relationship and marriage and two people who are willing to work on all those things will be just fine.



I''m so glad to hear from others around my age. I know someone asked if there was age everyone would like to get married by, so I was wondering if you do want to have kids, is there an age you would like to start ttc? I know I would like to have our first child by 25-26. Also how many kids would you like to have? FF and I want to have 3-4.

I''m 22 now and I think I''d like to have my first at about 26-27 years old. I want two kids or MAYBE three. I think I''ll want to have them all very close in age.

 

[Autumnovember]

Date: 6/28/2010 4:08:20 PM
Author: RaiKai

Date: 6/28/2010 3:47:07 PM

Author: lucyandroger

Date: 6/28/2010 1:38:32 PM


Author: RaiKai

Date: 6/28/2010 12:52:21 PM


Author: kagordo4


I think it''s safe to say he''s probably more mature than about 80% of the people telling us we''re ''sooo young''.




Honestly I think the age comments come from cynical people that are older and single. : P

I''m married, in my 30''s, and I DO think that the early 20''s is awfully young to get married.



That does not mean I will tell people NOT to get married, nor does it mean I think that getting married young means it is doomed. I have seen some very young people seemingly have very healthy relationships, marriages and so forth (i.e. lilyfoot comes to mind). Just as I have seen some older people have very unhealthy ones. It DOES however mean that I think they are young and I do think that when they are IN IT they cannot yet see just how young they are. To deny you are young is naive, you ARE young. Chronologically, and biologically, you are young. If I say someone is ''young'' it is not a big personal attack against you as a person.



And the odds ARE against you. You ARE more likely to get divorced if you marry young. One can deny this and say they are different, of course. But it would be better served, in my opinion, to look at why the ''odds are against you'' and work on ways as a couple to ensure you are prepared, rather than to just say ''we are different and no one knows us'' or to label those who share concerns as ''cynical and old''. Some of those ''cynical and old people'' also thought at 21 or 22 they were immune from the ''odds''. No one really gets married thinking they are going to get divorced!



At the end of the day people need to make their own decisions, but that does not mean there are not valid personal reasons for my own concerns. And yes, these come from personal experiences as well. A LOT of change happens from the early 20''s to your later 20''s and beyond, and time after time I have seen peers (and even myself!) make decisions about relationships in their early 20''s that were not made from a point in their life where they felt confident and sure of themselves, so they were decisions that often did not work out. It is one of those things that UNTIL you are several years on you can''t see it.

Anyway, I appreciate this is a support thread for other ''YOUNG Ladies in Waiting'', and as I am neither a Lady In Waiting, or all-that young (though I would beg to differ...ha), I am signing out since it is not my desire to cause argument in this here thread despite my posts

I think you''re young

 

[Autumnovember]

Paris, that setting is AWESOME.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 6/28/2010 4:34:24 PM
Author: Autumnovember

Date: 6/28/2010 4:08:20 PM

Author: RaiKai

Date: 6/28/2010 3:47:07 PM


Author: lucyandroger

Date: 6/28/2010 1:38:32 PM



Author: RaiKai

Date: 6/28/2010 12:52:21 PM



Author: kagordo4



I think it''s safe to say he''s probably more mature than about 80% of the people telling us we''re ''sooo young''.





Honestly I think the age comments come from cynical people that are older and single. : P

I''m married, in my 30''s, and I DO think that the early 20''s is awfully young to get married.




That does not mean I will tell people NOT to get married, nor does it mean I think that getting married young means it is doomed. I have seen some very young people seemingly have very healthy relationships, marriages and so forth (i.e. lilyfoot comes to mind). Just as I have seen some older people have very unhealthy ones. It DOES however mean that I think they are young and I do think that when they are IN IT they cannot yet see just how young they are. To deny you are young is naive, you ARE young. Chronologically, and biologically, you are young. If I say someone is ''young'' it is not a big personal attack against you as a person.




And the odds ARE against you. You ARE more likely to get divorced if you marry young. One can deny this and say they are different, of course. But it would be better served, in my opinion, to look at why the ''odds are against you'' and work on ways as a couple to ensure you are prepared, rather than to just say ''we are different and no one knows us'' or to label those who share concerns as ''cynical and old''. Some of those ''cynical and old people'' also thought at 21 or 22 they were immune from the ''odds''. No one really gets married thinking they are going to get divorced!




At the end of the day people need to make their own decisions, but that does not mean there are not valid personal reasons for my own concerns. And yes, these come from personal experiences as well. A LOT of change happens from the early 20''s to your later 20''s and beyond, and time after time I have seen peers (and even myself!) make decisions about relationships in their early 20''s that were not made from a point in their life where they felt confident and sure of themselves, so they were decisions that often did not work out. It is one of those things that UNTIL you are several years on you can''t see it.

Anyway, I appreciate this is a support thread for other ''YOUNG Ladies in Waiting'', and as I am neither a Lady In Waiting, or all-that young (though I would beg to differ...ha), I am signing out since it is not my desire to cause argument in this here thread despite my posts

I think you''re young

Ha ha, is that because I am "immature for my age"?