5.01radiant center stone, should I upgrade?

[radiantbeauty]

My opinion is:
1. I think he's upset because he wants people to think he's a pro athlete and that won't happen as often. Uuuuuh. No. He is a really laid back kind of guy.
2. He thought it made you happy but then it didn't . It made the both of us happy, but then I started reading on PS and my tastes significantly changed. I still like the old setting for the sentimental value it holds - it just needs some fine tuning.
3. The old ring was... Ugly and overdone. It's a terrible thing to say but I don't like any of it. (I'm sorry!!!) No need to be sorry We all have opinions and I asked for it!
4. You can make a ring look big and expensive without making it look so awkward. Maybe a halo would be more classy and be enough finger coverage to make him proud if it again? I love the new one but that's a big style change. If you want him to love it as much as you love it then maybe there's a more blingy compromise somewhere. Let's just hope we can compromise on this setting!

 

[radiantbeauty]

Maybe start a show me the bling forum with your old setting and new one, then show him the responses? How much everyone is fawning over that new baby!

What an idea!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

You have a terrific attitude and certainly took our comments well!

I think the other ring will make a beautiful cocktail ring which you can proudly wear with a gorgeous gemstone! We can even tell you people who can cut a stone just the right size for that ring if there is any difficulty finding one. We have a whole colored stone forum here! It can still be a statement piece worn on the right hand while you have a more classic, elegant look on your left! I really think the new setting really makes the diamond be the star! It was a little lost in that other setting, whereas a colored stone will stand out because it won't blend into the diamonds in the setting.

I am wishing you lots of luck in hopes that he'll adjust to this idea!

 

[radiantbeauty]

Emotional attachment to either of the rings aside, I think the new setting is much better at showing off your beautiful 5ct and letting that be the center of attention!! Rather than having it get lost in the setting with all the ice around it, it is still a big presence without being overbearing.

Thanks pandabee! I did not realize, at first, how much the original setting was really over powering the center stone - I really see that now. And it really does have a very nice presence on my finger. and the stone shows sooo much better in the new setting.

 

[radiantbeauty]

Love, love, love the new setting!!! The other one was way too high!!! Please keep it! It's stunning!!!!!!!

Thank you AprilBaby! I'm actually an April baby too!!

Yes, I want to keep it for sure!!

 

[derbygal]

Just have to say how much I love the new setting. It is really stunning on your finger!

 

[radiantbeauty]

I am so blown away from all of the compliments .

I do have to run now, but I will be back tomorrow to finish replying.

Thank you PS!

 

[CopperTop]

Maybe it's just the pictures but I think the new setting makes the diamond look much bigger. It's so elegant!

 

[Venti25]

I *love* the new setting for the diamond it's miles better. The old one reminded me of scaffolding with the diamond floating in space.. that being said I'd whack a large aqua in the old setting and wear it as a cocktail ring any day.

 

[rosetta]

The new setting is a gazillion times better. GAZILLION.

The old one gets a facelift and a coloured stone and voila! Cocktail ring heaven. As an engagement ring, it had no class whatsoever. Sorry to be so blunt, but the old setting gets a huge thumbs down from me, as an engagement ring. Bleurgh.

 

[SB621]

I just want to applaud you on your amazing attitude about all this. I can honestly say I might have been a little more offended if everyone came back to me and say how much better my reset is over my orginal (because of emotional attachment). I really do hope you keep your reset and you love every minute of it!

My DH spent months researching my ering. He picked the diamond and I ended up picking the setting. It was lovely but after a few years I realized it was not me at all. It was a mix of baquettes and rounds with too much going on. After several "dress changes" and 2 upgrades I'm finally getting my dream ring which would be set in a fairly classic setting as well. It took my DH a while to get used to the idea that the set I married him with are now completely gone (ering, diamond and wedding band). He was upset and hurt a little at first but once he saw how much I love the set I have (well will be getting) he got over it quickly. He loves that I constantly look down and tell him how much I love it. Yes I butter him up a bit and thank him for it, because I want him to feel good- pleased even. So try to get your DH to understand the ring evolves just like your relationship. Happy wife= happy life!

 

[babs23r]

I LOVE the new setting!!!!! Shows off the beautiful stone. Keep it!!!!

 

[Dreamer_D]

... I think he was really surprised about the actual reset without a lot of involvement on his part. I think the real issue is, is that he feels that he did not *give* the ring to me. It was like I just showed up with a different ring that is so foreign to him and that he has no connection with and I think that hurt him a little. There was so much thought, blood, sweat and tears put into the other setting that he feels like it was a *waste.* I don’t want to hurt him. He is such a wonderful and generous person and I love him so much. I want this to be a win/win for the both of us.

Oh, put on something skimpy and dance around saying how happy you are with the huge amazing diamond He got you and HE's the bestest guy ever!! Kiss kiss, cook him a meal, kiss kiss. Win win.

Marital advice from Dreamer.

 

[radiantbeauty]

FI saw me wearing the new ring today and it prompted another discussion. He is still VERY upset about the whole thing. He feels no connection to the new setting at all. He says he did not *give* me this ring. He doesn't even want me telling people that he gave me the ring at all - because to him, he *did not.* To him, there is no story behind this ring and he feels completely disconnected. He feels he has no real say or input and felt as though I did not consider his feelings for a reset. He wants to be just as much as part of the process - just as much as part of the story.

I tried to explain that although my tastes have changed, I still very much value the original setting and still want to wear it - just with a different stone in it. To him, it's not the same as the ring he gave me and would be completely *different* with a new stone in it. I reeeally want to keep the ring and he feels the original ring was such a waste (if I don't put the stone back) - even though I offered for us to pick out another stone together. He does not want to pay for any more stones. He feels the journey to the original setting now does not mean anything. He feels that the original setting solidified an emotional connection for the both of us. He went through a lot with the original setting - And now I have a completely new ring that he was not really involved in. To him it doesn't matter that the center stone *looks better* in the new setting - it's about the meaning behind the ring. He is clearly still very upset.

At the end of the conversation, he just gave up and just told me to do whatever I want with the rings.

This is a hard battle for me PSers.

 

[Circe]

Question: if you return this setting, would he be open to planning a new one with you? Or is it the original or nothing (and by nothing, I mean emotionally, on his end).

 

[radiantbeauty]

Question: if you return this setting, would he be open to planning a new one with you? Or is it the original or nothing (and by nothing, I mean emotionally, on his end).

I think he is so upset that the mention of another setting, would drive him up the wall. I would have to wait awhile before even mentioning another reset. And I do mean awhile.

I think, for now, it's the original or nothing.

 

[Circe]

Question: if you return this setting, would he be open to planning a new one with you? Or is it the original or nothing (and by nothing, I mean emotionally, on his end).

I think he is so upset that the mention of another setting, would drive him up the wall. I would have to wait awhile before even mentioning another reset. And I do mean awhile.

I think, for now, it's the original or nothing.

That's unfortunate, L2S. I think he's being unreasonable ... particularly since it sounds like you did talk to him about this. You said he thought it was just on paper, not in the shop already being redone, right? But ON PAPER, was he okay with it?

And ... for that matter, given that you came on with the idea of upgrading, it sounds like he was okay with the idea of changing the stone, altering the original ring, right? So I wonder why it is that this is where he digs in his heels. Sounds like he felt left out somewhere in between you guys talking about the design and the ring going into the shop?

 

[GemFever]

So sorry to hear that your DH cannot agree with the reset. Maybe give him some time? Switch the stone back, wear the original setting with the stone, while keeping the new setting too (maybe put a colored stone in it). Maybe in a little while, he'll cool off and be more flexible about it?

 

[radiantbeauty]

Question: if you return this setting, would he be open to planning a new one with you? Or is it the original or nothing (and by nothing, I mean emotionally, on his end).

I think he is so upset that the mention of another setting, would drive him up the wall. I would have to wait awhile before even mentioning another reset. And I do mean awhile.

I think, for now, it's the original or nothing.

That's unfortunate, L2S. I think he's being unreasonable ... particularly since it sounds like you did talk to him about this. You said he thought it was just on paper, not in the shop already being redone, right? But ON PAPER, was he okay with it?

And ... for that matter, given that you came on with the idea of upgrading, it sounds like he was okay with the idea of changing the stone, altering the original ring, right? So I wonder why it is that this is where he digs in his heels. Sounds like he felt left out somewhere in between you guys talking about the design and the ring going into the shop?

I think so too. We did talk about the reset and redesigning it - but to him, I think we were just in the *planning* stages. I don't think HE was really ready to see a reset like I was. I think the reality of the stone being set into another setting without his full involvement was just hurtful. He doesn't see it as a ring he *gave* me. It's just I ring I like that I am wearing. However, he does not mind me keeping the new setting and putting a new stone in this setting. He bought me a man made 3 carat stone a looooong time ago and suggested I put that stone in this setting. Personally, I don't want to put a man made stone in the new setting. I have expressed that I would not like the setting as much with my 5 ct stone going back to the original setting. From his POV, he says that the meaning behind the setting is more important than what *looks better.*

 

[SB621]

Give him some time to come around. I think you will be surprized. He just has to get used to the idea.

 

[Circe]

Question: if you return this setting, would he be open to planning a new one with you? Or is it the original or nothing (and by nothing, I mean emotionally, on his end).

I think he is so upset that the mention of another setting, would drive him up the wall. I would have to wait awhile before even mentioning another reset. And I do mean awhile.

I think, for now, it's the original or nothing.

That's unfortunate, L2S. I think he's being unreasonable ... particularly since it sounds like you did talk to him about this. You said he thought it was just on paper, not in the shop already being redone, right? But ON PAPER, was he okay with it?

And ... for that matter, given that you came on with the idea of upgrading, it sounds like he was okay with the idea of changing the stone, altering the original ring, right? So I wonder why it is that this is where he digs in his heels. Sounds like he felt left out somewhere in between you guys talking about the design and the ring going into the shop?

I think so too. We did talk about the reset and redesigning it - but to him, I think we were just in the *planning* stages. I don't think HE was really ready to see a reset like I was. I think the reality of the stone being set into another setting without his full involvement was just hurtful. He doesn't see it as a ring he *gave* me. It's just I ring I like that I am wearing. However, he does not mind me keeping the new setting and putting a new stone in this setting. He bought me a man made 3 carat stone a looooong time ago and suggested I put that stone in this setting. Personally, I don't want to put a man made stone in the new setting. I have expressed that I would not like the setting as much with my 5 ct stone going back to the original setting. From his POV, he says that the meaning behind the setting is more important than what *looks better.*

Yeah, but ... the meaning behind the setting is abstract. It means he loves you? Great, he loves you no matter what you're wearing! If god forbid your ring was lost or whatever, he would still love you.

If he means it's the memories, the connotations and associations of the setting, I can see that. But those memories don't go away if you're wearing a setting that's more comfortable for you.

It's a toss-up. Put the stone back and you feel icky, leave it the way it is and he does - unless you guys cool down and talk it out calmly without hurt feelings, I think it might leave a bad feeling either way. Since your setting isn't going anywhere, maybe the way to go about it is to just ... put the stone back for now, and revisit the topic in 6 months, when you can honestly say, man, I love this ring, but it is catching on everything/not comfortable/damn, I lost ANOTHER melee stone. Hopefully by then the emotions will have cooled down and you can discuss it without hurt feelings getting in the way ....

P.S. - Let me put it like this: when I got married, my husband and I were both anti-upgrade. Then I came around after I caught the PS bug, and he did after, like, three years of joke-y mentions to the fact that while I still wouldn't UPgrade, anniversary rings were always welcome! This time last year, the idea of my changing my original e-ring setting made him feel a little sentimental: this year, I've got a remount coming my way. I think since men aren't the ones wearing these things, they don't really cross their minds on a regular basis they way they do ours when we look down, wash our hands, put on gloves, whatever. So when we say something about it, their brains are still back in the proposal stage. It can take a while for the ideas to percolate ....

 

[radiantbeauty]

So sorry to hear that your DH cannot agree with the reset. Maybe give him some time? Switch the stone back, wear the original setting with the stone, while keeping the new setting too (maybe put a colored stone in it). Maybe in a little while, he'll cool off and be more flexible about it?

Hi GemFever - That would be a biiiig risk for me (of course, I would be wearing what he wants, but then I would feel like I'm settling for more of his personal tastes). Knowing what I know now (thanks to PS! ), it just doesn't seem like my stone *belongs* in the original setting. It's like she is in her perfect home now. If I put my stone back, I would not enjoy wearing the ring as much at all. And I think FI is like "all the thought, time and more importantly, love, that went into the originally setting, and now you've just changed your mind because you think it doesn't look right aesthetically?" It's like, "why did I even bother to have spent so much time and effort on the original?."

Wearing it as a RHR is not a suitable enough solution to him

 

[JulieN]

I think he will get used to it...

The other ladies here have a lot of experience in this matter. They know of what they speak.

 

[GemFever]

So sorry to hear that your DH cannot agree with the reset. Maybe give him some time? Switch the stone back, wear the original setting with the stone, while keeping the new setting too (maybe put a colored stone in it). Maybe in a little while, he'll cool off and be more flexible about it?

Hi GemFever - That would be a biiiig risk for me (of course, I would be wearing what he wants, but then I would feel like I'm settling for more of his personal tastes). Knowing what I know now (thanks to PS! ), it just doesn't seem like my stone *belongs* in the original setting. It's like she is in her perfect home now. If I put my stone back, I would not enjoy wearing the ring as much at all. And I think FI is like "all the thought, time and more importantly, love, that went into the originally setting, and now you've just changed your mind because you think it doesn't look right aesthetically?" It's like, "why did I even bother to have spent so much time and effort on the original?."

Wearing it as a RHR is not a suitable enough solution to him

If you are really against putting it back, what do you think you'll do? Maybe the best course of action is something like Circe is advising -- slow and patient (very sweet and patient) psychological work on your FI, to bring him around to a point where he can understand that you don't love HIM less because you are opting for a more comfortable setting.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I would simply let this one lie for a while, go about your business. Wear your new ring when you are out and about but perhaps take it off at home to let him get used to it. Stroke his ego a tonne in a way completely unrelated to the ring. He will get used to it. He has to! In marriage, sometimes one person gets their way and sometimes the other person gets their way.

Me, I would not set the diamond back in the old ring because frankly, the ring is just a symbol and is irrelevant to what this is really about: His sense that you love and value him. Stroke that need, let the ring fade to the background.

FWIW my husband was also hurt many moons ago when I wanted to change my ring. He worried he was less of a man because he did not please me the first time around. It took a while to teach him that a real man pleases his wife. And I am pleased when I get to change my ring around! When he figured that out, he let it go. It did take a few years.

In the grand scheme this type of issue is small potatoes. There is no reason for either one of you to get too bent out of shape about it.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Oh, and you should take ownership of being indirect in trying to get your way on this one. Apologise for resetting it behind his back (even if you think you told him you were doing it, he clearly did not feel that way). You messed up. You made a unilateral decision and did not involve him. THAT is likely really pissing him off too. So own your screw up and say sorry and tell him you will never go behind his back again about a decision that involves the two of you. If you own your role and apologise, and also affirm to him how much you love him, that might help immensely. But this isn't about the ring. When people have heated arguments about things like this that are really not all that important, its always because of the symbolic meaning: He feels hurt that you did not include him and he feels like maybe you don't love him because you rejected his gift. Switching your ring back will not make this problem go way. You must address his feelings and then the problem will go away. You see the difference? Stop arguing about the ring and talk about the feelings.

 

[radiantbeauty]

Question: if you return this setting, would he be open to planning a new one with you? Or is it the original or nothing (and by nothing, I mean emotionally, on his end).

I think he is so upset that the mention of another setting, would drive him up the wall. I would have to wait awhile before even mentioning another reset. And I do mean awhile.

I think, for now, it's the original or nothing.

That's unfortunate, L2S. I think he's being unreasonable ... particularly since it sounds like you did talk to him about this. You said he thought it was just on paper, not in the shop already being redone, right? But ON PAPER, was he okay with it?

And ... for that matter, given that you came on with the idea of upgrading, it sounds like he was okay with the idea of changing the stone, altering the original ring, right? So I wonder why it is that this is where he digs in his heels. Sounds like he felt left out somewhere in between you guys talking about the design and the ring going into the shop?

I think so too. We did talk about the reset and redesigning it - but to him, I think we were just in the *planning* stages. I don't think HE was really ready to see a reset like I was. I think the reality of the stone being set into another setting without his full involvement was just hurtful. He doesn't see it as a ring he *gave* me. It's just I ring I like that I am wearing. However, he does not mind me keeping the new setting and putting a new stone in this setting. He bought me a man made 3 carat stone a looooong time ago and suggested I put that stone in this setting. Personally, I don't want to put a man made stone in the new setting. I have expressed that I would not like the setting as much with my 5 ct stone going back to the original setting. From his POV, he says that the meaning behind the setting is more important than what *looks better.*

Yeah, but ... the meaning behind the setting is abstract. It means he loves you? Great, he loves you no matter what you're wearing! If god forbid your ring was lost or whatever, he would still love you.

If he means it's the memories, the connotations and associations of the setting, I can see that. But those memories don't go away if you're wearing a setting that's more comfortable for you.

It's a toss-up. Put the stone back and you feel icky, leave it the way it is and he does - unless you guys cool down and talk it out calmly without hurt feelings, I think it might leave a bad feeling either way. Since your setting isn't going anywhere, maybe the way to go about it is to just ... put the stone back for now, and revisit the topic in 6 months, when you can honestly say, man, I love this ring, but it is catching on everything/not comfortable/damn, I lost ANOTHER melee stone. Hopefully by then the emotions will have cooled down and you can discuss it without hurt feelings getting in the way ....

P.S. - Let me put it like this: when I got married, my husband and I were both anti-upgrade. Then I came around after I caught the PS bug, and he did after, like, three years of joke-y mentions to the fact that while I still wouldn't UPgrade, anniversary rings were always welcome! This time last year, the idea of my changing my original e-ring setting made him feel a little sentimental: this year, I've got a remount coming my way. I think since men aren't the ones wearing these things, they don't really cross their minds on a regular basis they way they do ours when we look down, wash our hands, put on gloves, whatever. So when we say something about it, their brains are still back in the proposal stage. It can take a while for the ideas to percolate ....

He absolutely loves me.

And thank you for the advice and sharing your story with me.

I am so glad to know that I am not the only one who has had this issue. And I am really glad to hear you and the hubby were able to work out! Congrats on your new mounting! I can't wait to see it . Perhaps you have point about how one thinks about the proposal - the proposal does start with the ring.

Knowing him and knowing how very upset he is, I know he will eventually will let it go. He never stays upset for too long and we will always manage to work things out. There is a resolution to this..I'm sure..

 

[radiantbeauty]

... I think he was really surprised about the actual reset without a lot of involvement on his part. I think the real issue is, is that he feels that he did not *give* the ring to me. It was like I just showed up with a different ring that is so foreign to him and that he has no connection with and I think that hurt him a little. There was so much thought, blood, sweat and tears put into the other setting that he feels like it was a *waste.* I don’t want to hurt him. He is such a wonderful and generous person and I love him so much. I want this to be a win/win for the both of us.

Oh, put on something skimpy and dance around saying how happy you are with the huge amazing diamond He got you and HE's the bestest guy ever!! Kiss kiss, cook him a meal, kiss kiss. Win win.

Marital advice from Dreamer.

LOL!! He would love that actually! I will be working on that. Let me see what I can find

Diamond advice and marital advice all in once place, I LOVE this site!!!!!

 

[radiantbeauty]

I would simply let this one lie for a while, go about your business. Wear your new ring when you are out and about but perhaps take it off at home to let him get used to it. Stroke his ego a tonne in a way completely unrelated to the ring. He will get used to it. He has to! In marriage, sometimes one person gets their way and sometimes the other person gets their way.

Me, I would not set the diamond back in the old ring because frankly, the ring is just a symbol and is irrelevant to what this is really about: His sense that you love and value him. Stroke that need, let the ring fade to the background.

FWIW my husband was also hurt many moons ago when I wanted to change my ring. He worried he was less of a man because he did not please me the first time around. It took a while to teach him that a real man pleases his wife. And I am pleased when I get to change my ring around! When he figured that out, he let it go. It did take a few years.

In the grand scheme this type of issue is small potatoes. There is no reason for either one of you to get too bent out of shape about it.

Oh, and you should take ownership of being indirect in trying to get your way on this one. Apologise for resetting it behind his back (even if you think you told him you were doing it, he clearly did not feel that way). You messed up. You made a unilateral decision and did not involve him. THAT is likely really pissing him off too. So own your screw up and say sorry and tell him you will never go behind his back again about a decision that involves the two of you. If you own your role and apologise, and also affirm to him how much you love him, that might help immensely. But this isn't about the ring. When people have heated arguments about things like this that are really not all that important, its always because of the symbolic meaning: He feels hurt that you did not include him and he feels like maybe you don't love him because you rejected his gift. Switching your ring back will not make this problem go way. You must address his feelings and then the problem will go away. You see the difference? Stop arguing about the ring and talk about the feelings.

Thanks Dreamer_D. I think you are right and I totally agree that the deeper issue is about his involvement and not about the ring. I will try this approach of apology because it was truly a misunderstanding and I don't want him to feel like he does not matter when it comes to something that involves the both of us. I do see his POV as well and think if we start from there, then perhaps the conversation will go a lot smoother.

I have been wearing the ring in the hopes of him getting used to him seeing me with it on. If I see that it causing too much tension, then I will take it off when I'm home and let things cool down a bit more.

And nooooooow, I just found out from my jeweler the second asscher 1/2 eternity band will be ready this weekend for pick up. I am thinking I may have hold on to that for awhile before even introducing it to him. I think that would just add more fuel to the fire - first the ering and now a new eternity band! is what he'll be thinking. At the very least, I could just *gift* it to myself as a bday present.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I haven't read every word posted today, but the diamond is what has a FAR greater value than a setting, and you ARE using it! I can see why he might be upset if you got rid of the whole original ring, but you just reset the valuable part and have kept the old setting to use as a right hand ring. I really think this is a pride issue more than anything. He got satisfaction out of picking the biggest, blingiest setting he could find for you, because he loves you and wanted you to have a ring you could proudly wear and show off. But as you did more exploring, you realized that setting did not really reflect YOUR personal taste as much as something else. I agree with Dreamer that it is good for you to say you are sorry that he didn't realize that you were seriously pursuing the reset. But also, he needs to buy into the idea that it is important for you to have input into something you have to wear. Time will work it all out. I'd be sweet but stick to my guns on this.