A guy needs your advice

[munibanker]

So I''ve been dating my girlfriend for six years now as of Oct. 4. We''ve been seeing each other since we were seniors in high school, went to college together and moved in together afterwords and she just recently got her own place with friends. So i''ve been thinking of proposing sometime this month, already got the ring. Talked with her dad and he was happy and wanted me to ask her.

Then spoke to her mom and she said the following:
- i don''t think she''s ready yet
- i want to see her make it on her own (buy a new car, pay her own rent, etc)
- you guys are too young
- i think you should take a break for 3-5 months with no contact and then see how you feel about each other

Wow! I didn''t think she would say this but let me give you some background. Since I graduated college in ''05 my gf and i have been living together, she has a good job but the pay isn''t that great so i pay the rent, bills and she''ll buy groceries, misc. and what not. We both share my car and have talked about getting married all the time. I think the reason that her mom said all this stuff is b/c she recently got divorced and doesn''t want to see her daughter marry so someone without being absolutely sure (but we''ve been together for six years now). But I can''t help but imagine that maybe in the back of her mind she doesn''t think I''m right for her. Her mom and I have a great relationship, we always go over to her place for dinner, hang out, etc.

I respect her moms comments but i think the 3-5 month break with no contact to see if we still love each other is a little extreme. I''ve been away months at a time during college over to NYC for 2-3 month internships (2 summers) and thats was tough for both gf and i so i think this isn''t necessary. but am i being selfish? does it sound like her mom doesn''t think i''m fit to be her daughter''s husband? so confused it hurts....

 

[Butterflies]

I think you should let your gf decide for herself what is good for her. You sound like a great guy and her mom''s own bad experience with marriage has nothing to do with the relationship that you two have. Have you and your gf discussed engagement and marriage before? If so, what is her take on that? Is she excited about getting married or do you see any kind of doubts on her part? If she is on board then I say go for it.

 

[Becky P]

If you two were living together and she just recently moved out, then she may be thinking that it''s never gonna happen. I''d talk with your gf asap and make sure ya''ll are on the same page. Perhaps even suggest going ring shopping with her to just "see what she likes". That will give her the message that you''re serious about this, but also give her the chance to tell you herself if she''s not ready. When women are in a relationship for a really long time without a proposal, they start to think that maybe the guy they''re seeing isn''t really the one after all.

 

[munibanker]

Thanks for your replies. My gf and i have talked about it and she does want to get married and excited about it but she also indicated that she wanted to live on her own and make sure she could take care of herself with paying rent, buying a new car herself which is why she wanted to move out on her own for a little bit. she feels that i''ve taken care of her too much and just wants to make sure she can make it on her own if something ever happened to me.

at the same time i feel like i could propose b/c she is living on her own now and would be until whenever our wedding day is... i just feel bummed that her mom said the stuff she did, i respect her but 3-5 months with no communication to see if we still love each other (come on now isn''t that a bit extreme)..

 

[~*Alexis*~]

I think her mom was just trying to protect her daughter from making the same mistakes that she may have made. Although I can see why your girlfriend needs to make it on her own, she should be in charge of her own destiny. There is no reason you can''t be engaged and just not live together. You could have a long engagement too. At least this way she knows you are going towards marriage and she isnt being a LIW. Maybe she is already on the list and has posted about never getting there. Ya never know.

 

[anchor31]

I think your girlfriend''s mother should let her daughter take her own decisions. Of course she only wants what best for her daughter and is looking out for her daughter''s best interests... But my own mother recently told me that she realized that mothers often confuse what would be best for their daughters and what would have been best for themselves.

- i don''t think she''s ready yet Does she know this for a fact, or is it a judgement she is making based upon age, etc? Has your girlfriend told her this?
- i want to see her make it on her own (buy a new car, pay her own rent, etc) This seems like it won''t be a problem since your girlfriend is already taking those steps for herself. Also, since when should relationships be based on what the parents want?
- you guys are too young If you got together as seniors in HS and have been together for 6 years, I''m guessing you''re 24? I could hardly say that''s too young, as my fiancé is 24 and I am 21. You''re both independant adults, and that''s what''s important. If you''re ready, then go for it. And it''s not like you''ve known each other for just a year!
- i think you should take a break for 3-5 months with no contact and then see how you feel about each other And what would this accomplish? I''m pretty confused about this one... Especially if you''ve been away for months at a time for internships, not holding yourself back for the sake of staying with your girlfriend, and the relationship survived it.

I don''t think you''re being selfish at all. You love your girlfriend and you want to marry her. I think her mother is being overbearing and is projecting. It doesn''t mean she''s a bad person or that she doesn''t like you, but parents going through difficult periods do this. My own future mother-in-law has a very unhappy marriage and she does it all the time...

If you''re open to suggestions, have you thought about discussing this with your girlfriend? I know most guys want to do the surprise thing, but remember that the opinion that matters most here is your girlfriend''s, not her parents''.

Good luck!

 

[munibanker]

Thanks to all those who replied. I feel better...

 

[oshinbreez]

Since you''ve been together since HS, maybe the mom want''s her to date other guys, to make sure that you are the one she wants. I wanted both of my kids to date others before they got engaged, to give themselves a chance to see what was out there. Both started dating their now spouses while in HS and through college. Neither went to the same college as their spouse so they both (I guess I should say all 4, kids/spouses) had a chance to date others. Both (all 4) also lived on their own or with roommates, so they could learn about all the financial responsibilities there are. I''m also a divorced mother, and would not want either of my kids to go through it.

 

[Allisonfaye]

I think part of being an adult is finding the right balance between caring what your parents (or her parents) think and listening to good sound advice.

The decisions are clearly up to you and your gf. You are legally adults. With that said, this woman could quite possibly be your future MIL so starting off with a good relationship with her will only help matters. I agree the break suggestion is extreme, unless that is what her daughter wants.

Only you and your gf can decide it this is really about what she wants for her daughter or if she doesn''t like you. You interact with her.

As far as the list of reasons that you posted, these are valid reasons and she is entitled to her opinion. I think her wanting her daughter to make it on her own is valid. But you are a couple and she needs to respect that. I think what she wants ideally and what will happen might be two different things. I know if my daughter had only dated one man ever and wanted to marry him at 24, it would bother me. I would want her to have more dating experience.

But the most important thing is what you and your gf want. It sounds like your gf does want to be on her own, not necessarily taking a break from your relationship. I think pushing her into getting engaged when she has told you how she feels would be a mistake. Being older, I know lots of people who married young because someone (parents, society, spouse) pushed them into it and they later decided they want to sample what they missed. Let her have whatever space she wants. If it is right, it will work out. Then you will know you didn''t push her into it.

 

[bee*]

I think the break is a bit extreme-as someone who has been with my bf for 7 years since we were in secondary school(your high school, I think), I dont need a 3-5mth break to tell that I really love my boyfriend. I would have a talk with your gf though just to see what she wants to do prior to an engagement. If your gf is on board with getting engaged soon,then I would speak to your future MIL and say that you are very grateful for her advice,that you thought about it and that you love your gf and want to move things forward.

 

[Fancy605]

I also do not understand the point of a break. To me, a break is what people take when they are having problems--not when they are ready for marriage. I just know a whole lot of people who have gone on "breaks," and it''s never been because they were seriously considering marriage. In fact, in the instances I have observed (and there have been many), a break typically comes when someone in the relationship is seriously considering acting on an interest in a person outside of the relationship. Then they realize the person they were interested in isn''t the one, crawl back to their partner, and have to deal with a lot of complications and dramma like, "Well if you REALLY loved me this whole time, you wouldn''t have done anything with other people"

I totally agree with you when you say that your girlfriend will have the entire engagement period to live on her own.
As a girl who was once very interested in living on my own and being financially stable and such before marriage, I can honestly say that I am willing to compromise on the length of time I live on my own. In fact, after a few months of it, I really think I started using the, "I want to be on my own" line as a response to people saying, "why aren''t you married?" when really I simply no longer cared about being on my own. It lost its novelty. I am ready to move on. (although I love living with my best girl-friends and will miss that!)

 

[FireGoddess]

I think her mom was way off suggesting taking a break.

If you and your gf have discussed this, I would propose. She can live on her own during the engagement period. No one says you have to pick the wedding date right away. She can ''drive'' after the proposal and set her own timeline for what she feels comfortable with.

 

[monarch64]

Muni, my mom said the same thing. My parents are stillllll married (37 years), and my daddy told my DH "are you sure you want to do this? She can be pretty difficult to live with." My mom said pretty much what your soon-to-be FI''s mom said. We''ve been happily married for 3 years now...the wedding went well, we all get along, etc. Don''t let someone else''s regrets from their past overshadow your happy moment in your lifetimes.

 

[sk8rjen]

On top of what everyone else said, I just can''t imagine 2 people who are in love and looking towards marriage willingly taking a break for the sake of taking a break! It sounds like you 2 as a couple are on the right track, and I actually think she''s taking a positive step by making it on her own for a while (it really sucks to be totally dependant on someone!). Plus, you two will be able to look forward to being under the same roof again

I think the MIL-to-be is just being overprotective and I bet she would act that way toward any man who was interested in marrying her daughter-- not just you. Good luck!
jen

 

[munibanker]

thanks for all the posts. i appreciate your opinions and support.

i just felt kind of bummed that my gf''s mother didn''t sound excited about the news rather just telling me you should wait b/c of this and that....

thanks guys

 

[munibanker]

i think i''m going to hold off on the proposal for a couple months, was planning on doing it at the end of the month but maybe i should give it some time. also my gf seems kind of stressed about the whole situation with what her mom said and now lviing on her own. i think it would be best that i wait it out a little while longer.

 

[oshinbreez]

Date: 10/10/2006 11:41:46 AM
Author: munibanker
thanks for all the posts. i appreciate your opinions and support.


i just felt kind of bummed that my gf''s mother didn''t sound excited about the news rather just telling me you should wait b/c of this and that....


thanks guys

Speaking as a divorced mom, I really don''t think it has anything to do with you. You said you and her get along good. She''s just looking out for her daughter. I don''t agree with the break "with no contact". But I really don''t see anything wrong with both of you dating others before deciding to get engaged. Wouldn''t it be better to do it now then wait until after you got married and be wondering what you missed? JMO

 

[laine]

Just to kind of play devil's advocate here....is it possible that there is some truth to what you GF's mom is saying? You guys have been together a long time, and though she says she wants to marry you, she did just move out on her own. It seems like maybe she is looking for some more independence, which may or maynot include indepencence from dating you. You are the only thing she really knows, and maybe she does want to explore other options before settling down.

I agree that you shouldn't take a break because her mom says so, but is it possible that her moving out is a first step towards her suggesting she wants a break?

Please don't be offended by anything I've said. I really don't know enough about you and your situation to know whats really going on, I just wanted to put an alternate perspective out there.

ETA: And assuming I'm completely wrong, I still think you're right to hold off on a proposal for a little while. She's just moved out to try to live on her own, let her adjust to that first.

 

[firebirdgold]

I''d certainly be worried that her mom is saying that stuff based on what her daughter has talked to her about rather than coming from her own recent experiences. There is simply no way to know without actually asking your gf.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Date: 10/10/2006 1:24:17 PM
Author: IndieJones
I''d certainly be worried that her mom is saying that stuff based on what her daughter has talked to her about rather than coming from her own recent experiences. There is simply no way to know without actually asking your gf.

Indie has a point here. Others also may have a point in saying your girlfriend''s mom is being overprotective.
I''ll add a little personal perspective here. My boyfriend moved to a new city on the east coast when he got a job offer we both knew he couldn''t refuse. I wasn''t happy with the situation, but we''re devoted to each other and knew we would make it work until either a.) he moved back home or b.) I finished my master''s and move out there. Anyway, my parents absolutely love him. But, the day he left the first thing my Mom said to me was "I think you should use this time to see other people and have fun." I simply told her "I''m sure about this and we''ll get through it." This was back in February. Our relationship is just as strong if not stronger than before he left, and both of our families know it''s for real and it will work no matter what. My parents miss him almost as much as I do, and they always ask when he''s coming to visit THEM. It''s cute. Now, I admit that my situation is different than yours in that my mom didn''t approach my bf or vice versa. What I''m trying to say is that parents do get protective when big changes happen in their children''s lives. My mom''s thought process was "I don''t want my daughter to become a walking zombie because her boyfriend moved away." Your girlfriend''s mom might be feeling something along the same wavelength. I hope this helps.
I wholeheartedly agree that the only way to find out for sure is to have a talk with your girlfriend. It does seem a little odd that she chose to live on her own after living with you previously, but you need to ask her where she stands. Maybe she does just want to have her own place after college. Who knows. I hope in the next few months you''ll find the answers!

 

[munibanker]

Thanks for all the responses to my post. Update: so I spoke with my girlfriend about what her mom said to get a feel for how she''s feeling. My gf responded that she''s confused and doesn''t feel ready, basically what her mom originally said to me about "not being ready and making it on her own". So I guess we''re taking a break so she could have some time to think things over, that was news to me.

So now i am really confused. All I told my gf is that i bought a ring, haven''t proposed yet and i''m starting to feel like something is wrong. Over the past 6 years we''ve been together we always talked about getting married and that she wants a ring on her finger and what not. I personally feel that if you''ve been with someone that long you should know deep down that your ready to get married and now that my gf is having to think about if she is ready is starting to concern me a lot.

Could this be a sign that she loves me but maybe not enough to spend the rest of her life with me? When I told my gf that i bought a ring and I was expecting excitement, joy, etc. but being confused?... now I''m confused..

Should I move on? I love my gf a lot and would do anything for her, we''ve both made a lot of sacrifices over the years to stay together... now i''m just having second thoughts myself b/c if she wants to marry me she would''ve been more happy to hear the news and we''d not be on a break right now.

Sorry for my venting, I don''t want to talk about this to my close friends as they think I''m proposing sometime this month and now would feel completely stupid.. Well if this doesn''t work out I''ll have a nice Harry winston ring to trade in if i ever find a another wonderful girlfriend.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 10/14/2006 11:35:43 PM
Author: munibanker
Thanks for all the responses to my post. Update: so I spoke with my girlfriend about what her mom said to get a feel for how she''s feeling. My gf responded that she''s confused and doesn''t feel ready, basically what her mom originally said to me about ''not being ready and making it on her own''. So I guess we''re taking a break so she could have some time to think things over, that was news to me.

So now i am really confused. All I told my gf is that i bought a ring, haven''t proposed yet and i''m starting to feel like something is wrong. Over the past 6 years we''ve been together we always talked about getting married and that she wants a ring on her finger and what not. I personally feel that if you''ve been with someone that long you should know deep down that your ready to get married and now that my gf is having to think about if she is ready is starting to concern me a lot.

Could this be a sign that she loves me but maybe not enough to spend the rest of her life with me? When I told my gf that i bought a ring and I was expecting excitement, joy, etc. but being confused?... now I''m confused..

Should I move on? I love my gf a lot and would do anything for her, we''ve both made a lot of sacrifices over the years to stay together... now i''m just having second thoughts myself b/c if she wants to marry me she would''ve been more happy to hear the news and we''d not be on a break right now.

Sorry for my venting, I don''t want to talk about this to my close friends as they think I''m proposing sometime this month and now would feel completely stupid.. Well if this doesn''t work out I''ll have a nice Harry winston ring to trade in if i ever find a another wonderful girlfriend.

Muni, I hate to hear this, but if you''re even having the thought that she might not be the one for you, and in the end you''ll have a great ring to trade in for another....well, maybe she''s NOT the one. I''m so sad to read that she wasn''t all that enthused when you told her you''d bought a ring. If you''ve read some of the threads on the LIW forum, you know that most girls are dying to have their BFs propose to them, but don''t understand why it''s taking so long! I''m definitely not saying this is a lost cause, but it sounds like you need to have a serious conversation with your gal and figure out whether this relationship is worth investing more of your time and emotional well-being. It may just be that she DOES need some time to be on her own, perhaps. It also may be her way of letting you down gently because she does care about you. That''s a tough pill to swallow (see Alanis Morrisette''s "jagged little pil" album), but in the end, maybe she''s saving you from another year of wondering when you are supposed to propose/get married, etc. She''s giving you really mixed signals, and unfortunately I think you''re just going to have to ask her what her deal is at this point. I hope everything works out for the best for you!!! You seem like a nice guy!

 

[anchor31]

Isn''t it a little quick to start talking about moving on? I understand you''re hurt, but don''t you think you should try to figure out what''s going on before thinking about this? It just seems strange to me that you were going to propose this month and then suddenly because it''s not quite going as planned you want to move on... Why don''t you ask her why she''s confused and why things have suddenly changed to talking about marriage to taking a break?

I''m sorry you''re going through this, I hope you can figure this out together.

 

[munibanker]

thanks for the responses monarch and anchor. i''m not having second thoughts that she might not be the one for me but i feel that she''s not sure and thats whats killing me. we''ve been together for 6 years we''re both 24 and i feel that she should know the answer not "i''m confused".

anchor, i''m not throwing in the towel but was wondering what you ladies thought about this situation. i want to be with her but i dont want to if she''s not completey sure she wants to get married. we talked about marriage in the past and now that i bring it up its like we''ve never talked about it at all.

i''m just wondering if this is red flag or if i''m being selfish?

 

[Kaleigh]

Geez, this is tough. I guess the best thing to do is to give her some space and see how thing work out. Sounds like her mom has done a number on her. Her own marriage failed and perhaps her daughter your GF is just scared?? You are both young and have time to sort this out. If she is having doubts about your relationship better to know that now than later. You really seem like a nice guy, and am keeping my fingers crossed for a happy ending!! Hang in there!!!

 

[ForteKitty]

Muni~ I hope you don''t take this the wrong way, but i''m assuming your parents aren''t divorced, right? If her parents recently divorced, and they are still on bad terms, then it''s absolutely normal for her to feel uncertain and confused about getting married. Afterall, if her own parents couldn''t stay together, what makes her situation different?

It''s hard to explain to people whose parents are still together. At times, she might even push you away because she''s scared. And if you let her, then it''s over. The best thing is to give her time and space, but still let her know you''re there for her, and that your relationship is not her parent''s relationship.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[diamondfan]

Muni, a divorce recently would likely color her mom''s view and I am sure she has been involving her daughter in the middle, in if not intentionally. That said, since I do not know you or her or where her head is, I can only say that you could have a serious conversation with her. Is "I am confused" code for "I do not see a future with you" or has her mom scared her, even without meaning to, that she could end up divorced and not able to take care of herself because you have been taking care of her all along? I am not sure if taking a break is ever a really great thing, sometimes it helps couples decide that yes, they want to be together, but I am not sure statistically how it all comes out. Are you two still a couple or are you not spending time together in this process? I think you need an answer to that. Maybe a bit of independence would be good for her, but it seems to me she was going to the mom with her thoughts which is what was reported back to you when you went to her mom to discuss things. Why couldn''t she have told you this herself? I agree that after 6 years she should know more, but you guys met when you were young and there is a lot of growth going on so maybe things will be fine and maybe not, but better to find out now. You sound like a level headed nice guy, I hope she just needs to get a bit more independence and then things will be fine...

 

[munibanker]

So gf and I spoke for a little bit this morning. We carpool occasionally. I told her that I''m confused why we''re on a break and she answered "this relationship got really serious in the past couple weeks" and "i don''t think we''re ready to get married, you and I need to grow more" and "when a girl gets married she wants a partner for life".... HELLO! what have the last 6 years been, I left NYU business school to be back with her and turned down a job for a prestigious wall street investment bank to get this now....

what should i do? in the past she always played around saying i want a ring on my finger but now that its actually about to happen this relationship is too serious for her. i do think her mom is playing a role in my gf''s decision. sometime within the last year my gf told me that her mom told her to see other people or something along those lines.

 

[poptart]

I have been reading your topic, but was wary to say anything until I read your last post. Now, don''t take what I say too harshly or be offended, because that isn''t my intention. What stuck out to me was that you said you gave up a promising job to move closer to her, and now she is sounding as though things are "too serious," and she wants to take a break. All I have to say to that is you can''t form your life around somebody else. You have to do what is best for the BOTH of you, not just one person. That is the whole point of a relationship. Also, making any type of big move in location is a risk when you are dating, so don''t feel too badly about what you did -- especially since you were under the impression she wanted to get married.

I agree with others that her mom has probably had a strong influence on her since there has been a recent divorce, and that your gf is probably being tossed around in the middle of the family turbulence. Seeing her parents get divorced probably makes her rethink marriage, and I think that is a natural reaction. Just give her some time and support because she is probably feeling just as afraid as you are right now. Hope I could help just a little, and best wishes.

Marisa

 

[janinegirly]

hi muni, i''ve been wondering if you were in fact a muni banker! i only know pieces of your story, but it sounds like your gf has put you in a bad position. walking away from a wall street job is making a real lifestyle choice (or sacrificing a lucrative career and way of life!) just to be with her. That was a real sign of your committment and devotion. I think it''s so unfair of her to have cold feet now, she should have mentioned this before you moved!! Her mother may be an influence for sure, but ultimately she is responsible for her decisions and life.
It sounds to me like she is having cold feet and maybe it''s due to the fact that she''s never had a relationship outside of yours. It''s a lot to commit to someone for life at a young age and not having seen much else. I''m not excusing it, but it really sounds like she''s questioning this next step. The good thing is she''s not just rushing into marriage because she''s blinded by the fantasy of a ring and a wedding, she''s exploring her doubts BEFOREhand. It''s really an unfortunate position for you to be in b/c you''ve bought the ring and are on board (no doubts), but I think you have to give her the space. I think her mom might be right. I think you should start to consider a break and concentrate on your career and letting go a little. Sounds CRAZY I know, but I think she''s asking for it. And you would do yourself an injustice if you just waited around. Go on with your life, let her feel what it''s like without you. I''m sorry to hear about this, it''s really a tough one.