A guy needs your advice

[FireGoddess]

Date: 10/17/2006 11:13:02 AM
Author: munibanker
So gf and I spoke for a little bit this morning. We carpool occasionally. I told her that I''m confused why we''re on a break and she answered ''this relationship got really serious in the past couple weeks'' and ''i don''t think we''re ready to get married, you and I need to grow more'' and ''when a girl gets married she wants a partner for life''.... HELLO! what have the last 6 years been, I left NYU business school to be back with her and turned down a job for a prestigious wall street investment bank to get this now....

what should i do? in the past she always played around saying i want a ring on my finger but now that its actually about to happen this relationship is too serious for her. i do think her mom is playing a role in my gf''s decision. sometime within the last year my gf told me that her mom told her to see other people or something along those lines.

You''ve put yourself out there, made sacrifices to be with her, have communicated the desire to get married, started moving in that direction. And now she''s balking, whether or not it''s due to her mother''s influence.

I think it''s time to start living and making decisions for your own benefit. You''ve done what you can and now it''s time to make decisions that are good for YOU, irrespective of her. If/when she decides she''s ready, great. But now it''s time to make yourself the priority here.

 

[munibanker]

how do i get over my gf?

a little update, so we''ve been going to counseling the past couple weeks. during counseling i feel so much better that we put everything out there but a day later its like nothing ever happened. we''re on a break right now and when i call my gf she tells me not to call and check up on her b/c we''re not boy/girlfriend right now. anyways, the last few days of me trying to contact her have been unsuccessful. i was paying my phone bill (we have a family plan) and noticed that my gf has been having very long conversations with a number. i mean hour to 2 hour phone calls in the middle of the night. so i typed in the number on google and realized that it was her brother''s friend!!!! wtf?

i''m going to call her tongiht and tell her to be real with me out of respect? she says we''re on a break right now and to trust her b/c she''s doing it for me but i can''t get over the fact that she''s calling/he''s calling everyday.

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 11/6/2006 4:16:44 PM
Author: munibanker
how do i get over my gf?

a little update, so we''ve been going to counseling the past couple weeks. during counseling i feel so much better that we put everything out there but a day later its like nothing ever happened. we''re on a break right now and when i call my gf she tells me not to call and check up on her b/c we''re not boy/girlfriend right now. anyways, the last few days of me trying to contact her have been unsuccessful. i was paying my phone bill (we have a family plan) and noticed that my gf has been having very long conversations with a number. i mean hour to 2 hour phone calls in the middle of the night. so i typed in the number on google and realized that it was her brother''s friend!!!! wtf?

i''m going to call her tongiht and tell her to be real with me out of respect? she says we''re on a break right now and to trust her b/c she''s doing it for me but i can''t get over the fact that she''s calling/he''s calling everyday.

uh, time to get off each other''s calling plan! you have all the information you need to make a good decision now.

 

[KimberlyH]

Muni,

This is one of those forest/trees things. All the counseling in the world won''t change that she''s not ready to commit to you and perhaps may never be. Conversations aren''t going to change the phone calls, her unresponsiveness and her declaration of a "break." Love makes things so much more convoluted than they need to be.

P.S. Relationships are built on trust, if you trust her enough to want to marry her you shouldn''t have to google phone numbers to see who she''s talking to, that screams "not ready for marriage" to me.

 

[decodelighted]

Worst case scenario ... the break becomes final. You move back to NY. Finish biz school or take one of those prestigious jobs. You are then a 24 year old, smart, successful, loving fella willing to commit to a woman who treats him as well as he treats her. With Harry Winston tastes?

You will be one in a million. Highly sought after. Quite the catch.

In three to six months you''d probably be brimming with gratitude that she did you the favor of letting you "try something new" for a while!

FWIW ... lots of well-meaning people kind of "try on" the idea of being married before they really are ready to do it. Her joking about the ring etc wasn''t necessarily deceptive. She might have meant it at the time ... just, as you became more serious ... made life-changing decisions based on being together ... she realized she wanted to experience more out of life BEFORE committing. She has a right to live her life her own way ... even if that doesn''t jibe with your desires right now.

I hope the counseling helps you deal with whatever the outcome is. In my outsider opinion ... you can''t lose either way (for long).

 

[firebirdgold]

Dude, let it go!

 

[FireGoddess]

Well, trying not to jump to conclusions...but I never had hour long convos in the middle of the night with someone I wasn''t the least bit interested in. I think it''s time to have a talk with her and get everything out in the open. Worst case scenario....you break up. If she''s doing this, personally I think it would be time to cut the ties and start new.

 

[ladykemma]

when i went through a similar problem, the counselor had me substitute behaviors for the heartsick ones.

everytime i started to panic about "him" or "what's he doing" or turning into CIA snoopy spy, i was to go out and feel/pet the trees. breathe.

everytime i started to obsess about "why" or ""what's wrong with me?" i was to feed the squirrels. breathe. there is no "why".

there were some mighty fat squirrels and shiny polished trees and a lot of breathing in front of the jones library in the texas medical center that season. my office was just inside the john freeman building. It got to the point that the squirrels were waiting for me, especially on friday late afternoons, which were the worst for me. "what's he doing now... what's he doing now...." peanuts + squirrel= amazing recovery.

 

[Allisonfaye]

Well, this totally makes sense now. She is seeing someone else. The old ''I''m confused'' speech is just a way of stringing the existing boyfriend along while she tests the waters for something new.

You probably won''t see this now but you are much better off finding all of this out now than after you are married. You guys are still pretty young and essentially are the only relationship that either of you has had.

Can you still go to NYC? I think you should also take the opportunity to see other people.
You WILL get over her. I sure wouldn''t call her after finding that information out.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

I''m sorry Muni...but it sounds like there''s not much more to be said. Get your own calling plan, and move on. Also, in the future you should live your life for you and no one else. If a relationship is meant to be, you won''t need to turn down an incredible career opportunity to make it work. Good luck to you!