Adoption Thread

[Dreamer_D]

I do have a lot of questions re: how much info to share with her and at what age, etc. She has a very difficult background- think something along the lines of rape, incest, affair. AND, there is some unintentionally disparaging commentary on her birth mom in her file that if internalized, could be very damaging to poor little C's psyche. I believe she has the eventual right to all the info, but when and how????

I am not adopted and don't have personal experience with that process or adjustment, but as a psychologist my gut tells me that the more specific details could wait until she is older and has a good sense of her own self and she is through the turmoil of puberty. Then she is less likely to internalize it, because she will already know who she is and be more secure in her place in the family and in the world as a woman. Maybe in her late teens? I don't know what to do if she starts asking to see all the records younger. Cross that bridge when you come to it perhaps?

 

[Dreamer_D]

Birthmom had an ultrasound and appt today. She is 31 weeks. Everything looks great! Parker looks to be a hair under 5 lbs. When the nurse asked her who she wanted in the delivery room she said "my mom and Parker's parents".

Just trucking along and dreaming about what he'll look like...

What a great attitude she has about the whole thing!

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Logan, I totally agree!

B's birthparents are both dead, which is really sad, but we are hoping to learn as much as we can about them when we go to ET, and meet his extended family, so that we can honor them and keep their memory alive for him as he grows up.

Our good news for the day is that yesterday our dossier was FedExed to Ethiopia!!!! So, now we wait and pray and wait and pray that we get a court date for before the rainy season...it will probably be at least 2 months before we learn our court date, so we are going to just try and keep busy.

And, I am an auntie! My brother and SIL welcomed their daughter early this morning (after 45 hours of labor, most of it back labor, and a kidney stone, and a pretty significant tear, and an epidural for only like 4 hours of the whole process )--

Victoria Adelise (or Adelaide) my mom isn't totally sure about the middle name so I have to talk to my bro to get the straight story

So, B already has a little cousin (to join the whole bunch of cousins on my DH's side of the family). I didn't have any cousins close to my age growing up, so I am glad that he has a little boy cousin on my DH's side who is almost his exact age and now a little girl cousin on my side who is just 2 1/2 years younger!

 

[ImperfectGirl]

Bella - All sorts of good news today!!!! Congrats to your Brother and SIL and for your dossier!! I hope the next few weeks fly by and you get that court date soon!

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Thanks IG!!! it was a good day Now I just have to find a way to keep busy for the next two+ months so I don't obsess over when we'll find out our court date!

I can't believe that Parker is going to be here the month after next!!!! I am so excited for you!!!!

I just talked to my bro and OMG, my niece had a rough entrance to the world! After the 45 hours of labor, including 30 something hours of back labor, a kidney stone, 3 hours of pushing, and a vacuum assisted delivery where the baby was face up with her hands in front of her face, my SIL had a 3rd or 4th degree tear and my niece wasn't breathing, was blue, and had an apgar of 2 when she was born After 18 hours on a warming table with oxygen she was ok, but she's on IV antibiotics b/c she spiked a fever from muconium. They are hoping to be released from the hospital tomorrow, but sound absolutely exhausted.

My SIL and bro were planning to adopt before they unexpectedly got pregnant and apparently my SIL has made it very clear that their next child with be joining their family through adoption! That would be super cool

I am so glad that they are all healthy and healing now, but the past 3 days sound just awful!

My niece's name is Victoria Adelais (pronounced ad-uh-lay) and they are thinking about calling her Addie for a nickname...

 

[pennquaker09]

Congrats on becoming an auntie Bella! I love her name.

So, I'm pretty sure my dad is not liking the name we picked for the baby. I think it's my fault, because I ask for opinions.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Thanks Penn!

Sorry about your dad not liking the name...my parents have totally different taste in names than us, so we just present names as a done deal, no opinions needed. I ask for opinions on PS

 

[diamondseeker2006]

That is so true about asking opinions here! People give honest opinions and don't get their feelings hurt when you don't go with their pick!

Glad things are moving forward for everyone here!

 

[Logan Sapphire]

I do have a lot of questions re: how much info to share with her and at what age, etc. She has a very difficult background- think something along the lines of rape, incest, affair. AND, there is some unintentionally disparaging commentary on her birth mom in her file that if internalized, could be very damaging to poor little C's psyche. I believe she has the eventual right to all the info, but when and how????

I am not adopted and don't have personal experience with that process or adjustment, but as a psychologist my gut tells me that the more specific details could wait until she is older and has a good sense of her own self and she is through the turmoil of puberty. Then she is less likely to internalize it, because she will already know who she is and be more secure in her place in the family and in the world as a woman. Maybe in her late teens? I don't know what to do if she starts asking to see all the records younger. Cross that bridge when you come to it perhaps?

Thanks, Dreamer. Even though I was adopted, all this is new to me and we're unsure how to handle it. All my life, my parents had no info about me so it was easy enough for them to just tell me they didn't know anything. But when we were in Korea picking up C, I was able to look at my Korean file and found out a lot of info about my birth parents. Without getting into the gory details here, the file notes that when our parents came in to relinquish us, the social workers noted that they were dressed very shabbily. For some reason when I read this, it affected me greatly emotionally. So, I can only imagine how C will react to something much more intense. Ack!

Penn- I just realized that your twins turn three 8 days before C also turns 3! I don't know if your two's were terrible but ours were kind of rocky. I hear 3 is a much more pleasant age. Fingers crossed!

 

[pennquaker09]

I do have a lot of questions re: how much info to share with her and at what age, etc. She has a very difficult background- think something along the lines of rape, incest, affair. AND, there is some unintentionally disparaging commentary on her birth mom in her file that if internalized, could be very damaging to poor little C's psyche. I believe she has the eventual right to all the info, but when and how????

I am not adopted and don't have personal experience with that process or adjustment, but as a psychologist my gut tells me that the more specific details could wait until she is older and has a good sense of her own self and she is through the turmoil of puberty. Then she is less likely to internalize it, because she will already know who she is and be more secure in her place in the family and in the world as a woman. Maybe in her late teens? I don't know what to do if she starts asking to see all the records younger. Cross that bridge when you come to it perhaps?

Thanks, Dreamer. Even though I was adopted, all this is new to me and we're unsure how to handle it. All my life, my parents had no info about me so it was easy enough for them to just tell me they didn't know anything. But when we were in Korea picking up C, I was able to look at my Korean file and found out a lot of info about my birth parents. Without getting into the gory details here, the file notes that when our parents came in to relinquish us, the social workers noted that they were dressed very shabbily. For some reason when I read this, it affected me greatly emotionally. So, I can only imagine how C will react to something much more intense. Ack!

Penn- I just realized that your twins turn three 8 days before C also turns 3! I don't know if your two's were terrible but ours were kind of rocky. I hear 3 is a much more pleasant age. Fingers crossed!

Yes, the two's have been kind of hard, but they are both different. I have to keep an eye on Savannah because she's sneaky. Loves to climb and hide and things like that. She hasn't had many tantrums. I've spoiled Gray so much that he doesn't take me seriously. Like, if I tell him to go timeout, more than likely he will laugh and run around. Now, if I physically pick him up and put him in TO he will act like I've wronged him in epic proportions. I'm the easy one, if Nate is around, they don't do anything because they know he won't have any of it.

I am thankful that they tend to behave well when we go out. They're very social and friendly which kind of scares me. I was told that I was a shy kid, but I was also kind of sheltered.

I almost forgot, we closed on our house in Durham. I didn't think I would be so excited, but I'm looking forward to being closer to our folks.

 

[dcgator]

Hello everyone,

I hope you are all having a good and hopefully productive week. Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday!

Penn - We are moving to FL, and I am super excited. I was born and raised there and have family a few hours from where we are moving, so it will be so much better (now we are about 800+ miles from both grandparents). Plus, the cost of living up here is out of hand, which I'm sure you can understand being in Philly (I beleive)! Yeah for states with no income tax I really like the name you choose, I think its strong. Sorry that your dad isn't loving it, but at the end of the day, you guys need to do what is good for you and your son. Bummer that your closing got moved back on your current house, but it sounds like you are taking it all in stride. So how did the closing go on your new place? We are going to rent for a while before we buy, so thankfully, one less stressful thing to do. Congrats on the twins upcoming b-days. My bro was also born on May 8, too funny.

Bella - BIG CONGRATS on your paperwork getting to Ethiopia. I really hope that they get your case moving so you can get your little B before the rainy season. Fingers crossed! As for you SIL, OMG, that poor thing. I am glad to hear that the baby was better after the warmer and stuff, but man, what an awfully traumatic ordeal! Congrats on becoming an aunty Btw, we are throwing around the name Addison for our little girl, so I love the Addie nickname

I hope all the other soon-to-be parents are doing well!

 

[ImperfectGirl]

Just popping in to say hi!

I hope all is well and things are moving smoothly for everyone.

Our birthmom had a Dr. appt yesterday at 34w 1d. Everything looks good...just trucking along. She is complaining of lots of pain/pressure. She asked to be checked and is 2 cm. I know that doesn't mean much in terms of when she'll go into labor but a little scary nonetheless.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

IG Maybe Parker wants to make an early entrance Best wishes for your birthmom as she prepares for the incredible miracle of birth and as she fulfills the heartwrenching but beautifully wise and loving decision she made to make you and MR. IG his parents!

On our end, we were officially submitted to court yesterday which is WONDERFUL (and 2+ weeks earlier than we thought it would be)! So it means we should hopefully be assigned a court date in the next 4-6 weeks and then the actual court date would be 4-6 weeks out from there We are on pins and needles! There's a pretty good chance that we will get a court date in July which would be amazing!!! If all goes well, we could meet B in 8-12 weeks!!!! I have an awesome international business trip that I will be on the last week of June/first week of July but we're praying for a court date anytime after July 6 (and of course I would step down from the trip if we got an earlier court date!)

It's a tiny bit bittersweet since we were very open to adopting a second child at the same time as B but referrals have dramatically slowed down with all the changes in required paperwork and the agency didn't have any children's cases that they thought would be a good fit agewise with B, so our agency submitted our case to court as is for B (which is FANTASTIC!). We would like to have 2 children from Ethiopia so they have that bond of a shared birth culture if they want it and because there are so many kids, especially boys, who need families. So, we'll probably be doing this whole process again in a year or two...which is financially and emotionally stressful, but I think the process will feel a little less scary when we already have one child and have seen the process work itself out in the end

We're also considering domestic infant adoption (through AA and bi-racial programs), and fostercare adoption, and we're definitely hoping to be pregnant at some point...it will be interesting to see how God builds our family We pretty much have no clue how it will all unfold, but right now we are just thrilled to officially be waiting for a court date for B!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Bella are you excited by any chance You used about a million clappies!

I hope you get to see B in July. We would have similar "birthdays" for our kids then!

 

[Bella_mezzo]

ha-ha DD--yes, I am super excited

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Yay, Bella!!! That sounds so encouraging! You may be going really soon!
(I know you don't want to think about this now, but I would discourage you from thinking about fostercare adoption. We know people who did this and lost the child after a year. It was just too crushing to the whole family and I am not sure it would make the other young children in the family feel secure.)

Penn, you found a house!!! That is great news! I know it is about 3 hours away, but maybe you can come to one of our Charlotte PS get-togethers one day!

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Thank diamond seeker, if we did fostercare adoption in the future it would only be adopting children who are in the fostercare system but are legally free for adoption. We don't have the fortitude to handle trying to adopt a child whose birth parents still hold legal rights to them. Also, I think fostercare/trying to adopt a child who may not be able to stay with your family is really REALLY confusing for young children who are themselves adopted...it makes it kind of difficult to grasp the permanance of adoption

 

[pennquaker09]

Penn, you found a house!!! That is great news! I know it is about 3 hours away, but maybe you can come to one of our Charlotte PS get-togethers one day!

And I've been MIA because we've been moving this week. I flew in on Monday because we had some minor painting that I had to get done before the movers arrived and the appliances had to be delivered as well.

Movers arrived Tuesday and Wednesday and Nate came yesterday. My MIL and FIL are on the plane with the twins at this moment. Still some organizing to do, but so far everything has gone extremely smooth. Hopefully, I'll be able to check back in with everyone.

I'm on my iPhone because the cable guy is currently working on setting everything up right now.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Congrats Bella!! Very exciting to be one step closer to B! It probably doesn't seem it to you, but I feel like once you decided to adopt, things moved really fast for you!

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Logan, it has gone relatively quickly for us which is a blessing.

Our homestudy took 3 months longer than it should have which SUCKED! And we switched agencies midway through which resulted in some more $ and paperwork, but didn't really impact our timeline since we switched right before our HS was final. Other than that, things have gone about average on the timeline (since we chose to adopt a waiting child and didn't wait for a referral the whole process has just been paperwork, no being on a waitlist or anything).

There's a chance we'll have him home in just under a year (about 11 months from when we officially started the process) but there are still a lot of unknowns about the timing/potential slowdown that are really nervewracking. So...we'll see what happens

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Thank diamond seeker, if we did fostercare adoption in the future it would only be adopting children who are in the fostercare system but are legally free for adoption. We don't have the fortitude to handle trying to adopt a child whose birth parents still hold legal rights to them. Also, I think fostercare/trying to adopt a child who may not be able to stay with your family is really REALLY confusing for young children who are themselves adopted...it makes it kind of difficult to grasp the permanance of adoption

Okay, you understood what I was meaning 100%.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Logan...I just read back and wanted to give an opinion about something you mentioned. I don't think we have to disclose every detail to our children particularly when it would only hurt them. In my opinion, it is best to tell children that their birthmother for some reason could not keep them, and she wanted them to have a better life and worked out the adoption (hopefully all true to a degree). I can see no good in going beyond that even when they are grown. I really don't. But I suppose if the adult child will have access to the records, it might be wise to forewarn them before they access them. In our case, our child (from China) won't ever know her background, and I think that is really for the best.

Penn! You are in NC! How exciting! Hope all goes well with the move and wish I were a little closer so I could help you!

 

[Kunzite]

Yea Bella, such exciting developments!!

 

[Bella_mezzo]

thanks kunzite!

happy mothers day to all my mama, soon-to-be mama (and papa) friends who are, or already have, navigated the rollercoaster of adoption

 

[pennquaker09]

Birth-mom went in for another check up and ultrasound and he's right on track. They don't think she's going to make it until the end of June (she's due June 28th) though. Even though I've been through this before, for some reason I'm starting to get nervous! I'm prepared, but at the same time, I'm totally not.

I had a talk with Nate and I told him that if we decided to have another kid in the future, we're going to have to make sure we have NOTHING else going on. No job changes. No moves. Nothing. We have the worst timing I think.

I felt like with the twins I was much better prepared. My mom is in town visiting and she's been doing her best to calm my fears, but it's not working . . .

 

[ImperfectGirl]

Birth-mom went in for another check up and ultrasound and he's right on track. They don't think she's going to make it until the end of June (she's due June 28th) though. Even though I've been through this before, for some reason I'm starting to get nervous! I'm prepared, but at the same time, I'm totally not.

I had a talk with Nate and I told him that if we decided to have another kid in the future, we're going to have to make sure we have NOTHING else going on. No job changes. No moves. Nothing. We have the worst timing I think.

I felt like with the twins I was much better prepared. My mom is in town visiting and she's been doing her best to calm my fears, but it's not working . . .

Exactly how I feel right now Penn! I can imagine that the move has added an extra layer to the overall stress level. I'm finding that adoption is very stressful. It's going to be ok though! Like you said, you've been through this before and you will come through it with that beautiful little baby in the end.

Hi to Bella and everyone else! I think about and pray for each of you and your soon to be new family members often!


AFM...As I said, I'm starting to get nervous since it's getting so close and I'm tired! The stress of it all is getting to me...almost daily phone calls/emails/communication from the agency, attorney and birth mom is draining me. I'm kind of looking forward to it being over. Birth mom lost her mucus plug this weekend and having lots of irregular contractions so the signs are there. She will be 36 weeks on Tuesday and will start weekly appts on Monday. Everyone is estimating she'll go early so we'll see. Eeeek, I'm going to be a mommy in a few weeks!

Oh my coworkers threw me a surprise baby shower at work and I was so shocked! We plan on having a welcome home party/shower when we get home so I really wasn't expecting any parties before the birth. We got soooo much stuff and everyone was shockingly generous. They even invited my DH to come and participate which was nice. I was equally surprised that he was able to keep it a secret from me.

 

[ImperfectGirl]

Question for you all especially those who have adopted.

Did you worry about or did you not feel how you thought you'd feel when you saw/held/met your adopted child for the first time? I ask because there are quite a few folks at my company who have adopted and they have all shared different experiences and given advice. One said that she felt awful because she didn't feel that overwhelming love for her twins at first like she thought she would. She warned me not to beat myself up if I didn't fall in love instantly and to have realistic expectations going in since because I did not carry/birth him I may not feel that right away. Another said it was love at first sight and not any different than if she had birthed them herself. The other 5 or so folks who've adopted have all fell firmly in one of the two camps. Of course they've all bonded and now love and adore their children to bits.

I've not really contemplated the fact that I may feel anything other than joy and love for Parker the minute I see him but now I'm concerned. On the one hand, I think about him all the time and I really love this baby already but I can see how some might say that it didn't click for them from minute 1 of their new shared life.

any thoughts?

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Question for you all especially those who have adopted.

Did you worry about or did you not feel how you thought you'd feel when you saw/held/met your adopted child for the first time? I ask because there are quite a few folks at my company who have adopted and they have all shared different experiences and given advice. One said that she felt awful because she didn't feel that overwhelming love for her twins at first like she thought she would. She warned me not to beat myself up if I didn't fall in love instantly and to have realistic expectations going in since because I did not carry/birth him I may not feel that right away. Another said it was love at first sight and not any different than if she had birthed them herself. The other 5 or so folks who've adopted have all fell firmly in one of the two camps. Of course they've all bonded and now love and adore their children to bits.

I've not really contemplated the fact that I may feel anything other than joy and love for Parker the minute I see him but now I'm concerned. On the one hand, I think about him all the time and I really love this baby already but I can see how some might say that it didn't click for them from minute 1 of their new shared life.

any thoughts?

Hey IG! Honestly, I didn't like C very much when I first saw her. I didn't really feel anything for her other than "oh crap, this kid hates us" and "boy, have we made a mistake." She hated us with a passion. I can look back now and joke about it but at the time, my husband and I were literally in tears. It sort of this long story but yeah, I didn't feel anything. But, to be fair, when I had D, I didn't feel anything for him either. He was just this red angry blob that really wasn't cute at all. He had no personality and I resented him a little when breastfeeding was so hard.

I started to fall in love with C about 3 days later, and with D, it probably took quite a bit longer than for C.

I was actually a lot like you- I had fallen in love with C through her pics and videos beforehand. For me, I loved the idea of her but once it was the real deal, it was very different. So for me, I didn't bond with either of my children through adoption and birth until later. I think it's good you realize that it can be quite normal to not feel an overwhelming sense of love the minute you see your child. I hope it happens, but if it doesn't, that's still alright. It will happen!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

IG, I have also heard a full range of emotions when first being given your baby, whether adopted or by birth. With the birth of our first two children, I was elated but totally and completely exhausted and half out of it!!! And the recovery was pretty miserable with no sleep, etc., but I don't remember anything but joy at the thought of my newborns. Ten years later, we were at an orphanage in China and handed this most beautiful baby girl, and I will tell you to this day, 15 years later, tears come to my eyes when I think about that moment! It was an overwhelming feeling of love and joy that compares to nothing else I've ever experienced! In fact, because of my faith, the emotion was intensified because I suddenly had this clarity about how much God must love His adopted children (a beautiful picture of love, grace, and mercy)!

Bottom line, with a newborn, you will have it easier in a lot of ways than when adopting an older child who may be afraid or suffer from separation anxiety from their caretakers. You will likely experience that feeling of overwhelming love, but even if you are a little afraid or in shock, you will grow to adore your new baby, I am sure!!! Please don't worry about this!

 

[Dreamer_D]

IG Each new mother has a unique set of emotions when she meets her baby for the first time, whether from birthing the baby or from adoption. That range of feelings you mentioned your coworkers describing following adoption are really similar to the range that I have heard from my friends who birthed babies in the last few years too. Expecting to feel one way and having a different experience is common, no matter how you become a mother, and it is disconcerting for most people when they feel that way! I think a real key to learning to be a parent is to go easy on yourself, roll with the flow of the emotions you will have, and accept that most feeling you have are normal and valid and ok (The exception being post-partum depression of course, which is common but something that should not be overlooked). You may feel a bond with your baby immediately, or you may feel a little detached at first and the love will grow over the weeks and months as you get to know that new little person, and his personality emerges more and more. You may feel transformed by the experience of being a mother, or you may feel like the same person you are now but with a larger role in life. Its all normal, and good. From everything you have written here you sound so committed and excited to be a mother. It will be more than you ever hoped for, exactly what you hoped for, and nothing like you imagined all at the same time! And you will do great!