Advice please :(

[hellosydney]

Hi guys,

I''ve just joined and you are all a wonderful and supportive group and I''m hoping maybe you could help shed some insight on something that''s happened.

Sometime over the summer, my boyfriend''s only long-term ex-girlfriend emailed him out of the blue. They broke up over five years ago and they haven''t spoken at all so he was really shocked to have heard from her. He didn''t reply because (he said) he didn''t care to. Things go on as normal and a couple of months ago, he gets a second email from her. She says that she''s really really worried about him because he never replied to her first email and can he please just email to let her know that he''s okay? He''s still reluctant to get back in touch with her but I insisted that he at least let her know he''s still alive (because otherwise, she might just show up on our doorstep one day or something). He does, and she responds immediately, saying she''s so happy to hear from him and that she would like to catch up on each others'' lives with regular correspondence -- essentially be email buddies. He replies back saying he wishes her nothing but the best but he does not feel comfortable with keeping in touch.

Now this is where it gets kind of weird. She replies to his email and upon discovery of it in his inbox, he says he''s deleting because he doesn''t care what she wants. He''s indicated that he doesn''t care to communicate with her and why she keeps emailing back, he doesn''t know. He makes a big show out of deleting it, almost to the point where I feel like he''s overacting for my benefit. This was about three weeks ago.

This past week, I had become rather ill so I decided not to go into the office and instead work from home. I went to log onto my email when lo and behold, I see that he had forgotten to log out. I never would''ve cared EXCEPT the ex-girlfriend''s email is the very first one in the inbox and the subject line reads: RE: [subject] (meaning that this was in response to something, not a new email). I thought this was quite curious because he said he would always be honest with me about any contact he had with her and, as far as I knew, he''d deleted all emails from her. I couldn''t help myself and I looked. It turns out that the email he had pretended to delete was actually forwarded to his other address for future, private reading. In it, she says that she''s rather shocked he doesn''t want to talk to her but if that''s what he wants, she will respect it. She also goes on to say that she thinks about him very often, that he will always be her first and greatest love, the one to whom she will always measure future loves. IN HIS REPLY TO HER, he says something along the lines of: "You are never far from my thoughts, either, and I want you to know that everything you said about me, I feel the same for you. My current situation does not allow us to keep in touch but if anything were to change, I will contact you." Then he sends her a YouTube link to a song that reminds him of her.

I won''t go into details how this event played out (it wasn''t pretty) but in your opinion... is this a relationship changer? I can''t stop thinking of how he straight up lied to my face (at one point, I''d even asked him if he wanted to keep in touch with her and told him that I would be okay with it if he did) and I''m appalled at his (what I feel is) disregard for me and our relationship in his final response to her email. At this point, I feel so consumed with hurt and anger that I can''t think straight. I don''t know if this is really is as big a deal as it feels right now or if this is a little bump in the road. I''m really sorry for the long-windedness of this but if you could give me some perspective, I would be most appreciative.

 

[RoxEHeart]

You poor thing.

You know the saying, "curiosity killed the cat"? It''s true, huh? I''ve been in a similar situation, but instead I was your boyfriend.

Did you confront your boyfriend about the situation? What did he say in response? Is he sorry that he did this, is he mad that you looked at his email, etc?

 

[smiles]

I am so sorry you are going through this! I have also been in the position of finding something I did not want to.
I feel that you need to ask yourself whether you will ever be able to trust him 100% fully again. I am not totally sure from your post if you confronted him but definitely think that if you haven''t you should.
I do think people should have some level of privacy in a relationship for themselves but he abused that and used it to lie to you. If I were in your position and decided to stay I think we would seriously need to work on rebuilding trust whatever that means for you in your relationship.

HUGS.

 

[hellosydney]

Thanks so much for the replies ladies.

For the record, he was so wracked with guilt about having gone behind my back that he didn''t once bring up my opening up the email. I guess that might count for something?

I just hate that he felt like he had to lie to me! I would''ve been okay if he''d decided he wanted to keep in touch with his ex but why make a big fuss over not caring only to do it behind my back? It''s so frustrating!

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 11/27/2009 1:30:57 PM
Author:hellosydney
Hi guys,

I've just joined and you are all a wonderful and supportive group and I'm hoping maybe you could help shed some insight on something that's happened.

Sometime over the summer, my boyfriend's only long-term ex-girlfriend emailed him out of the blue. They broke up over five years ago and they haven't spoken at all so he was really shocked to have heard from her. He didn't reply because (he said) he didn't care to. Things go on as normal and a couple of months ago, he gets a second email from her. She says that she's really really worried about him because he never replied to her first email and can he please just email to let her know that he's okay? He's still reluctant to get back in touch with her but I insisted that he at least let her know he's still alive (because otherwise, she might just show up on our doorstep one day or something). He does, and she responds immediately, saying she's so happy to hear from him and that she would like to catch up on each others' lives with regular correspondence -- essentially be email buddies. He replies back saying he wishes her nothing but the best but he does not feel comfortable with keeping in touch.

Now this is where it gets kind of weird. She replies to his email and upon discovery of it in his inbox, he says he's deleting because he doesn't care what she wants. He's indicated that he doesn't care to communicate with her and why she keeps emailing back, he doesn't know. He makes a big show out of deleting it, almost to the point where I feel like he's overacting for my benefit. This was about three weeks ago.

This past week, I had become rather ill so I decided not to go into the office and instead work from home. I went to log onto my email when lo and behold, I see that he had forgotten to log out. I never would've cared EXCEPT the ex-girlfriend's email is the very first one in the inbox and the subject line reads: RE: [subject] (meaning that this was in response to something, not a new email). I thought this was quite curious because he said he would always be honest with me about any contact he had with her and, as far as I knew, he'd deleted all emails from her. I couldn't help myself and I looked. It turns out that the email he had pretended to delete was actually forwarded to his other address for future, private reading. In it, she says that she's rather shocked he doesn't want to talk to her but if that's what he wants, she will respect it. She also goes on to say that she thinks about him very often, that he will always be her first and greatest love, the one to whom she will always measure future loves. IN HIS REPLY TO HER, he says something along the lines of: 'You are never far from my thoughts, either, and I want you to know that everything you said about me, I feel the same for you. My current situation does not allow us to keep in touch but if anything were to change, I will contact you.' Then he sends her a YouTube link to a song that reminds him of her.

I won't go into details how this event played out (it wasn't pretty) but in your opinion... is this a relationship changer? I can't stop thinking of how he straight up lied to my face (at one point, I'd even asked him if he wanted to keep in touch with her and told him that I would be okay with it if he did) and I'm appalled at his (what I feel is) disregard for me and our relationship in his final response to her email. At this point, I feel so consumed with hurt and anger that I can't think straight. I don't know if this is really is as big a deal as it feels right now or if this is a little bump in the road. I'm really sorry for the long-windedness of this but if you could give me some perspective, I would be most appreciative.

First of all I'm so sorry this is happening to you

The bolded part is the part that really set of my radar. He can't keep in touch with her now but "if anything changes, he'll contact her"? So in case you two ever have a fight or break up he has a back up plan? That seems a little bit off to me. And then sending her a YouTube link to a song that reminds him of her? Obviously he still cares about her in some way and if I were you I'd have a serious talk with him. He needs to know that this kind of behavior is NOT acceptable. He lied to you and told her he wasn't contacting her and he was, which is taking advantage of the trust you have in him.

I'm not sure if you've talked to him or not about it from your post, if so, how did he take it? Was he defensive or truly apologetic?

Also, I'm curious if you live together or not and how long you guys have been together.

ETA: I see that you talked to him and that he felt guilty. Has he said how he thinks this might impact the relationship you two have and WHY he did it?

 

[susied]

I am sorry to hear you are going through this!
I too have experienced something very similar and in my case, the trust was never regained, but that was because (besides the obvious - him lying) it was possible for me to forgive, but I could never forget what had happened and that became a huge issue because I was always trying to figure out why, which was totally exhausting.
Do you consider it a relationship changer? I think you need to determine if you can work through it or if his lying to you is something you can deal with. Have you been able to trust him 100% until now?
Has anything like this ever happened to you before? It''s hard to decide how to proceed when you care about someone yet you have to decide if what has happened is a big enough deal to do something about it.
Keep us posted...

 

[RoxEHeart]

To me, it''s not a deal breaker, but a bump in the road. If he is truly showing remorse for it then I would forgive him for it and like Smiles said, work towards re-building your trust.

It is VERY hurtful to have someone do this to you. I can only speak for myself and my situation...but when I contacted my Ex (told him I missed him because I had heard a song that reminded me of him), I was feeling neglected in my relationship and this is what brought on those thoughts. Now, I am NOT blaming this situation on you, but you might want to ask your boyfriend if what he said in response to his ex girlfriend was true? Also, what would make him say that? Ask him if he feels that y''alls relationship is lacking anything....if he says nothing and that he wasn''t telling the truth in the email to his ex, he is lying. Something made him respond to her email the way he did.

 

[Bleed Burnt Orange]

It''s unfortunate that you found out the way you did. However, he felt the need to keep that from you when it would have been easier for him to tell you he was just going to e-mail her back.

The thing is, he didn''t e-mail her back to say to leave him alone. He e-mailed her back to tell her he still thought about her. That doesn''t seem healthy or fair for you.

Is knowing that he thinks about other girls and has songs for them something that you are okay with? He kinda made it seem like he is making her his fall back plan.

I''m sorry to be so harsh, but...I don''t think he''s worth it.

Sorry you''re going through that though.

 

[RoxEHeart]

I think anyone is worth it as long as they admit their mistake and work towards not making the same mistake again. I made the mistake that her boyfriend made and I am a pretty damn good girlfriend. I messed up and felt horribly for it. The only difference in my situation and hers is that I told my boyfriend what I did vs. him finding out and me fessing up. I felt bad for the email I sent as soon as I pressed send.

 

[hellosydney]

Ladies, thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond to my (super-long) post! I am really grateful!

I really really really hope we can work through this. We''ve been together for 4.5 years, we live together, and just two weeks ago, we booked a trip to the Bahamas for the third week in January (I *suspect* that something SPECIAL might happen on this trip). I care for him -- I just don''t understand why he had to lie to me! It especially hurt reading his reply to his ex (as someone put it, his "fall back plan"), as though there might be a chance for them if I wasn''t in the way.

I guess it''s esp. tough because this isn''t the first time something like this has happened. A few months after we''d started dating, he met some girl online and, for her birthday, had a dozen red roses and a teddy bear delivered to her door in California (we live in Canada). My birthday had been two months earlier and I did not receive a single flower, much less a dozen roses! I''ve been a little wary of him and it took a lot for him to regain my trust. Which is why something like this past incident is so devastating to me.

 

[Indylady]

Like another poster said, I think this is just a bump in the road. I think that he meant well. I think he was trying hard to keep your feelings from being hurt, and from his ex-girlfriend''s feelings being hurt either. However, he went too far by saying that he basically reciprocates her feelings. I like that he firmly put her down and ask her not to continue correspondence. He realizes that this might become a very uncomfortable situation...he knows her well...perhaps he feels that this is the best way possible to ''handle'' her? To throw in a little sugar with a firm message that says he doesn''t want to talk? He''s the one that dated her seriously and knows her well; perhaps he also knows the best way to keep her away.

 

[gwendolyn]

"You are never far from my thoughts?" "I feel the same for you?" (about the greatest love?!) And a song to boot?

Sorry...but this does not sound good at all. No doubt he feels guilty. He should! He went behind your back, made overtures of affection towards an ex and basically told her to wait around for him until his "current situation" (i.e. YOU) is no longer keeping them apart. Ugh. Are you ok with being a "situation?" I don''t think I would be.

 

[Treasure43]

I''m sorry but I have to ditto Gwen''s post. The fact that something along these lines has happened before indicates to me there might be something else going on there. He sent a girl he met online flowers for her bday and you got nothing? Not cool. And now you''re living together and think he might be planning to propose, yet he''s sending his ex girlfriend love songs, emaliling her behind your back, and telling her he''ll contact her if his "situation changes". If you really love him, and think you can trust him again, then by all means do so. However, I''ve dated a guy who sounds pretty dangerous similiar in his actions to you BF and he actually WAS cheating on me with multiple girls (and cheating on them with multiple girls). Now I''m not saying that this is happening, just that sometimes where there''s smoke, there''s fire. Be careful and listen to your gut. Only you know what''s best for you. Good luck!

 

[lilyfoot]

I do not think it''s a relationship changer, I think it''s a relationship BREAKER.

Why would you want to be with someone who can so blatantly lie to your face, deceive you, disrespect you AND who admits he continues to think about his ex 5 years after they''ve broken up even though he''s in a relationship WITH YOU?

There is no excuse for that. And your update says he sent flowers and a teddy girl to some other girl prior in your relationship?

How many times will he have to show you his true colors before you see him for what he really is?

I''m sorry if this post seems harsh but honestly, these types of posts piss me off. Please believe me, there is a guy out there that would never treat you like this. You deserve to be somones "great love", to be the person they think about day and night. Nobody deserves this crappy treatment.

I''d let him go back to his ex. Good riddance

 

[rierie26]

Unfortunately, I think I''m going to have to ditto Treasure43. I can kind of understand him emailing his ex behind your back. I''m not saying he should have done it or that it was right. I absolutely agree that if he was going to email her, he should have just let you know and not make some big fake show about deleting the emails. He probably lied and hid the fact that he replied because he didn''t want to go through any sort of uncomfortable moments or experience any repercussions from letting you know he was doing so, ie. you getting upset or you asking to see what he wrote. I hate to sound like a cynic, but is he wracked with guilt or is he just upset/embarrassed that he got caught?

I see a couple of things that would really bother me if I were in your shoes and would make me think twice about going further with this guy. The first time when he was speaking with that girl in California and sent her flowers, but didn''t do anything for your birthday. That would kill me. He sent flowers to another girl that he''s never met and just started talking to but he didn''t send flowers to his girlfriend? I dunno. That would make me think twice right there. Then the current situation with his ex. His email was pretty intense. The things he wrote were not along the lines of catching up with an old friend, but almost seemed like he wanted her to know that there could still be a chance. The phrase about if anything changes in the future, he''ll let her know? Seems to me he''s already thinking of her as a backup, just in case.

I don''t know how guys think or how your guy thinks, but when I''m in a relationship I don''t think about it ending and I wouldn''t be able to tell someone that I''d contact them if the current relationship doesn''t work out.

I hope it''s not the case. I really hope he just meant well and tried to break things to her gently. I''m so sorry you''re going through this. Hugs!

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 11/27/2009 5:47:54 PM
Author: lilyfoot
I do not think it's a relationship changer, I think it's a relationship BREAKER.


Why would you want to be with someone who can so blatantly lie to your face, deceive you, disrespect you AND who admits he continues to think about his ex 5 years after they've broken up even though he's in a relationship WITH YOU?


There is no excuse for that. And your update says he sent flowers and a teddy girl to some other girl prior in your relationship?


How many times will he have to show you his true colors before you see him for what he really is?


I'm sorry if this post seems harsh but honestly, these types of posts piss me off. Please believe me, there is a guy out there that would never treat you like this. You deserve to be somones 'great love', to be the person they think about day and night. Nobody deserves this crappy treatment.


I'd let him go back to his ex. Good riddance

I'm so sorry, but I have to ditto this.

I could forgive the lying about deleting the emails, if it wasn't for his email response which made it VERY clear he was still interested (at least potentially) in her. That is simply not the action of a man who is in love and committed. You deserve someone who is.

 

[oddoneout]

I''m sorry but he''s sounds like a slimeball. You deserve better.

 

[HollyS]

"I won''t go into details how this event played out (it wasn''t pretty) but in your opinion... is this a relationship changer? I can''t stop thinking of how he straight up lied to my face (at one point, I''d even asked him if he wanted to keep in touch with her and told him that I would be okay with it if he did) and I''m appalled at his (what I feel is) disregard for me and our relationship in his final response to her email."



Of course it''s a relationship changer. It''s already changed your relationship.

Number One: He not only lied. He lied while lying. Told you he had no interest, made a big show for your benefit while not really deleting it, and then replied when he said he wouldn''t.

Number Two: He said he felt the same way about her that she feels about him. H-e-l-l-o? Anybody home? Where exactly does this leave you?

Number Three: He actually told her he was hedging his bets; he''d let her know if his relationship status with you changed. Then they could maybe get together. Well, now the relationship status has changed. Guess how long it will take him to move from you to her?


I''m sorry, but you need to care about yourself enough to move on.

 

[trillionaire]

I still keep in touch with my ex, and BOY, we don''t talk like that! If I were you, I''d want to be someone''s dream woman, not the person he''s settling for. Now, I don''t think it''s uncommon for people to romanticize the past, but acting on it clearly crosses the line if you are in a relationship, and LYING about it is even worse. You deserve better, and after almost 4.5 years together, this revelation would make me positively ill.

A song dedication...

 

[hellosydney]

Hi ladies, I really appreciate the words and the support. It''s been a rough couple of days for sure. When I confronted him about the content of the last email to his ex (where he says he still thinks about her often), he broke down and said he never meant it at all. He said he had a severe lapse in judgment and because she''d said all those wonderful things about him (the first love, the benchmark against which all other men would be measured, etc.), he was really flattered and felt obligated to reciprocate. I told him the part about his "situation changing" especially hurt because, um, was he waiting for us to break up so he could be with her? Again, he cried and he apologized and said that he planned on marrying me and he never expects his situation to change -- ever.

He called me from work this morning crying because of how scared he was that he might lose me over this. His mom called and said that he had phoned her in tears, as well, saying that he had made the biggest mistake of his life. He also had roses delivered to my office. He also showed me a follow-up email he''d sent to his ex-girlfriend earlier today. It read something like, "I''m sorry, I may have said some things that were misleading. I was projecting feelings that I really wasn''t feeling because of all the things you''d said to me and I wanted very much to be the "nice guy". The truth is that I''m in a wonderful relationship with a girl named Sydney and I intend on marrying her. If it came across that she was the reason we weren''t in touch, I apologize because it''s not true. I''m just not interested."

I''ll be honest, it did make me feel better and it almost seems as though things will be okay... but I can''t help but feel a nagging still that he''s somehow being manipulative? I don''t know... I just feel so confused.

Also, on a bit of a lighter note, I''m mildly irritated because I''ve been doing the 30 Day Shred and have been really good with keeping up with it (even while home sick!) but when I saw that email, I lost all focus and motivation and now it''s been two days and I''m not happy about it!

 

[hellosydney]

I guess I should add that I''m logging off for the weekend (I try not to be on the computer unless absolutely necessary because I''m on one for 234863409078 hours during the week at work). Again, thank you all for your words and insights during this tough time. I hope you all have a good weekend -- and that a couple of you will have new finger jewelry for me to see come Monday!

 

[caribari]

I have to say this situation doesn’t sound good-- I would be seriously wary if I ever found any email like that in my SO’s outbox.However (and I’m sure I’ll get yelled at for this position), I generally think that people’s actions speak louder than their words. Yes, he wrote those things and he shouldn’t of, but he is CHOOSING to stay and be faithful to you. He is trying to make amends for his mistake. If he really wanted to be with her, there is nothing stopping him. Life is about choices, and he’s choosing you.

I think the real decision is whether you can trust him again.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 11/27/2009 8:15:36 PM
Author: caribari

I have to say this situation doesn’t sound good-- I would be seriously wary if I ever found any email like that in my SO’s outbox.However (and I’m sure I’ll get yelled at for this position), I generally think that people’s actions speak louder than their words. Yes, he wrote those things and he shouldn’t of, but he is CHOOSING to stay and be faithful to you. He is trying to make amends for his mistake. If he really wanted to be with her, there is nothing stopping him. Life is about choices, and he’s choosing you.

I think the real decision is whether you can trust him again.

I won''t yell at you, but I just want to say I think there''s a serious issue here of self-worth. This is not the first time OP''s BF has done something incredibly disrespectful towards her (as she said in her first update).

We''re all human and we all mess up, but how much is too much? And they''re talking about marriage?! He''s obviously not capable of being a boyfriend, being a husband is far out of his range.

 

[exoticisabella]

Date: 11/27/2009 11:49:45 PM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 11/27/2009 8:15:36 PM
Author: caribari


I have to say this situation doesn’t sound good-- I would be seriously wary if I ever found any email like that in my SO’s outbox.However (and I’m sure I’ll get yelled at for this position), I generally think that people’s actions speak louder than their words. Yes, he wrote those things and he shouldn’t of, but he is CHOOSING to stay and be faithful to you. He is trying to make amends for his mistake. If he really wanted to be with her, there is nothing stopping him. Life is about choices, and he’s choosing you.

I think the real decision is whether you can trust him again.

I won''t yell at you, but I just want to say I think there''s a serious issue here of self-worth. This is not the first time OP''s BF has done something incredibly disrespectful towards her (as she said in her first update).

We''re all human and we all mess up, but how much is too much? And they''re talking about marriage?! He''s obviously not capable of being a boyfriend, being a husband is far out of his range.

Ditto Ditto Ditto! I married the guy who snuck behind my back, lies, and is selfish. Why? I forgave him one too many times when he came balling his eyes out to me. The marriage is horrible with very few good moments as a couple (I am happy as a "single" though). Please, take a step back and truly evaluate what has happened. Yes we all make mistakes, but from the tone of what your SO said his mind has already thought of other possibilities. Keep in mind that he KNOWINGLY went behind your back to hide this from you (as evident from him sending it to a different email). He knew that it may hurt you or that it wasn''t the right thing to do and yet he did it anyway. I think it''s a relationship breaker and that you do deserve better.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Warning: This may read like a novel...

A healthy relationship is built on one thing...TRUST. Without that, you can have "everything" while really having nothing at all. In any relationship that fails, for whatever the outstanding reason there may be, the root issue is ALWAYS a lack of trust. Your boyfriend has just planted an ugly seed that will bloom and flower over time, I can promise you that. The fact that, without you around, he entertains the idea of being with someone else... And we''re not talking about a random girl who may "go away" in time, we''re talking a girl that he ALREADY compares to you (both knowledgeably and subconsciously).

When a man shows you who he is, you need to listen. Your boyfriend has done an amazing job at SHOWING you what his real feelings are. Without you reading over his shoulder, he opened up to another woman in way that full on and flat out betrayed you... and when you were policing him (after he got caught with his pants down, so to speak) only then did he say what he should have said all along. Basically, only one of those two can sentiments is true, and I''m hedging my bets that what he said in his original email to his ex is what he really, really feels.

Has your relationship changed? Yes. Irrevocably changed. He can send you all the flowers in the world...but you cannot unread what you read, and he cannot undo what he''s done. Wether you go on from here to be happily-ever-after or not, you''ll ALWAYS have to watch your back with this guy--because as one poster wisely said, he lied while lying. Once a man gets away with something despicable just one time with full forgiveness, he''ll know that he can do the same next time around...and worse. Why? Because you''ll forgive him. You''ve set the bar just that low. He doesn''t have to respect you when you''re not around now, and he knows that, because of how you''ve handled yourself in this situation. He knows that a dozen roses and few tears heals all.

This is a really awful thing to find...and I''m sure reading it broke your heart...but it''s also good for you. It lets you know where you stand and who you''re dealing with. Many, many years ago I stumbled upon similar e-mails my ex-fiance was writing and receiving. It crushed me. I did the whole "forgiveness" thing--but I never forget. In short order our relationship ended and a handful of years later I went on to marry a wonderful, trustworthy man.

Bottom line, you don''t need this, and you don''t deserve this either. Your boyfriend went out there and dashed all the trust you''d built as a couple over a GIRL. Think about that for a minute...over his ex-girlfriend he totally disrespected and disregarded you. Over his ex-girlfriend he lied to you, embarrassed you, and played you for a fool. This isn''t a good man. You deserve so, so, so much more...and I hope you find the strength to go get it.

 

[sunseeker101]

Date: 11/27/2009 1:30:57 PM
Author:hellosydney

''You are never far from my thoughts, either, and I want you to know that everything you said about me, I feel the same for you. My current situation does not allow us to keep in touch but if anything were to change, I will contact you.'' Then he sends her a YouTube link to a song that reminds him of her.

I think this situation reveals a great amount about what this boyfriend is really made of. I think he has made the following statements: I can''t be trusted to tell the truth; I can be devious and underhanded when it suits me or when the going gets tough; I play games with peoples'' heads all round in order to keep things smooth for myself; I am faithful only to myself; I can emotionally manipulate those I profess to love and care about.

The incident with flowers to the other woman probably shows that he can''t resist the interest of another woman -- do you think you could live with the feeling of insecurity that''s probably in it, along with the other dubious potentials above?

I see you are expecting a proposal and marriage to this man. If a proposal wasn''t anywhere on the horizon, how do you think you''d feel about all this? If you don''t think you could live with a man with these sorts of talents, make a quick exit and don''t look back. Best of luck!

 

[justginger]

I think italia said everything I thought.

I wanted to add -- the email could have been in a fit of nostalgia. I still have a sliver of love for my college sweetheart and I don''t think it''ll ever go away. I reminisce, not about him, but about LIFE with him. It was my college experience, all those crazy parties and awesome memories. Maybe that''s what your bf was doing? Maybe the ex represents a really happy time in his life and he let his guard down and expressed it in a totally inappropriate way.

For me, because I am very sensitive and have been betrayed before, this would probably be a deal breaker. It may not be for someone who is more tolerant than myself. It''s not so much that there are lingering feelings, because I could forgive/understand that, but about the straight dishonesty regarding it. My current partner knows that I adore him and I have always been honest about all of my previous partners and what they have meant/do mean to me. I expect the same from him.

I hope you can determine where you stand in your ability to regenerate trust. If you honestly don''t know how to move past it, there''s a good chance it won''t ever happen. As someone who TRIED and TRIED to forgive and forget, only to see the relationship break down a year later anyway, I know that you can''t emotionally force yourself into forgiveness.

 

[Treasure43]

The incident with flowers to the other woman probably shows that he can''t resist the interest of another woman


A big ditto to the above! Guys like this are not boyfriend (and certainly not husband material). My ex was exactly like this and still is to this day (from what I''ve heard). He cheated on me, then ended up engaged to some other girl and tried to get back with me and lied and said he wasn''t engaged (I found out he was and told him how it was). He loved having girls interested in him so much that he would play all sorts of ridiculous games. And the girls always ended up with the broken hearts. Guys that are enamored with another girl''s interest are great at manipulating the women around them by lying. If they get caught they move on to tears, flowers, and other things designed to make the woman feel like he''s sorry and he''s changed. I''ve learned the hard way that guys like this don''t change. They can''t change any more than a leopard can change it''s spots. They''re addicted to having women interested in them and no matter how much they care for one woman, cannot give up their vice. These men also tend to be master manipulators and liars, so they oftentimes don''t get caught for awhile.

In the end, every woman deserves to marry a man who loves her and only her. And that man needs to be a man she can trust. Once trust is broken, it''s very hard to repair. It seems like your trust has been broken more than once and if it were me I wouldn''t give him a third chance to hurt you. Obviously you love him very much and you have a lot of time, effort, and emotion invested in this relationship. You''ve been together for 4.5 years, you live together, and you''re expecting a proposal sometime soon. But something like this is bound to happen again and by then you''ll most likely have invested a lot more into the relationship and perhaps even be married and have children. You''ll be even more entrenched in the situation and will be even more heartbroken. Whether you decide to stay with him or not is your choice, but I''d advise against it. If you DO stay with him, I''d be extremely cautious about accepting a marriage proposal from him.

I agree that sometimes nostalgia from the past creeps up. I sometimes think back on a good memory or two with a high school boyfriend but I would NEVER act on it because I''m completely devoted to my FI. He''s my present and future, any exes are in the past.

Bottom line: You deserve better!

 

[trillionaire]

I was talking to my FI about this the other day. You don''t find the love of your life, and keep looking. People who do that will never be happy. Someone who is content in their relationship will work on improving their relationship, or being a better partner, rather than working on other options.

Just my .02...

 

[AdiS]

Date: 11/27/2009 7:54:59 PM
Author: hellosydney
Hi ladies, I really appreciate the words and the support. It''s been a rough couple of days for sure. When I confronted him about the content of the last email to his ex (where he says he still thinks about her often), he broke down and said he never meant it at all. He said he had a severe lapse in judgment and because she''d said all those wonderful things about him (the first love, the benchmark against which all other men would be measured, etc.), he was really flattered and felt obligated to reciprocate. I told him the part about his ''situation changing'' especially hurt because, um, was he waiting for us to break up so he could be with her? Again, he cried and he apologized and said that he planned on marrying me and he never expects his situation to change -- ever.

Just...

Very generous of him. Did he say to what extent was he planning on reciprocating before you find out? "She said she wanted to meet, and I felt obliged to reciprocate." or "She wanted to kiss me and I felt obliged to reciprocate" or "She wanted me to father her firstborn child and I felt obliged to reciprocate"?

I have nothing else to say, except that when you''re in love and planning to spend your life with someone, you never expect the "situation" to change. That''s why so many people are hearbroken when it does. When you''re truly, madly, head-over-heels in love, you don''t think of a possible ending. You just don''t.

Good luck, Sydney. I hope everything works out for the best for you.