Am I Cheap

[valeria101]

From the story it is not at all obvious that either you are cheap or her spoiled (citing tough words from above)... IMO, this is not about who you are but where you happen to be at this time. There seem to be too many problems being brought up at once: engagement and temporary job loss and postponing small purchases. Perhaps a bit of pressure has been building up and the otherwise senseless tradeoff between drums and ring is just a way of it to puff off. I cannot believe that ring is such a big issue - only it sums up so many things, as any symbolic rite of passage does.

It sounds pretty clear that once financial stress will wear off the ring will need updating sooner or later. Is this ok with you ? Can you tell her ? Perhaps this will take that subject off your conversation for now and make room for substantial issues.

Of course I do not know you guys. This is what I would think first if two complete strangers were quarrelling about e-ring size in the lobby of my office and I happened to need peace and quiet to do my work !

 

[michela002]

No, I don''t think spending $3600 on an engagement ring when you are out of work and have no definites as to how soon money will be flowing back into the bank is cheap! In fact, I don''t think it''s a meagre about of money if you were working! And I don''t think there''s anything wrong with a .85 stone. Yes, perhaps by the "two salary" rule maybe you "should" have spent more (while you were employed) but that''s not a rule, or hurdle requirement! Money does not equal love or commitment.

Equally, I doubt she''s a spoiled brat who only wants you for the sparklies. (Especially if, may I say it, she''s with you while you''re unemployed - if she was a gold digger she would have run off by now!) I''m willing to bet she was thrilled, ecstatic, overjoyed, and completely not expecting it while you were out of work (or understanding that she won''t be wearing the Hope diamond!) But then - you mention you want to spend more on a drum set, which you won''t have forever, than on the ring that represents your future together, that she will wear for the rest of her life. (Barring upgrade, obviously.) I think it''s just a mindset: temporary thing = less money. Permanent thing = more money. I doubt what upset her was the lack of money spent, or the size of the diamond. The idea that you would spend more on a "toy" just probably rubbed her up the wrong way a little

I think some wires just got crossed. I''d just have a talk with her ... explain your sadness at her comment, but hear her side too. It''ll become clear whether it''s just that she''s upset about the temporary/permanent drum/ring more money/less money thing, or whether she''s just sulking and going BUT I WANT A BIG ONE!

 

[jacknovak]

wow. i''m blown away with all of the replies. i appreciate all of them. there is much more to this than i explained in my first post of course. but fundamentally, what i wrote was true. some of you nailed it when you said she felt hurt i was thinking of spending more on a drumset. i know i''m not close to the one - two month salary rule. i didn''t know about that rule until after i bought it. i guess i just don''t understand why how much you spend or how big the diamond is represents how much you love the person. i live in the silicon valley and there''s a lot of materialism here, so i think maybe this has something to do with it. after i gave the ring to her she showed it to her friend and i asked what the friend thought... her reply was that her friend''s ring was 2 carats and beautiful so she didn''t seem too impressed...

she has since apologized. she in no way is a gold-digger or in this for the money. some of you have identified there are pretty major underlying problems here... we''re trying to work on them.

thanks again for all of your thoughtful replies.

 

[baltneu]

I think I would work on the underlying problems before getting engaged. Her reaction to the size of the ring, even though she apologized, maybe your window into her, perhaps more surprises to come! Maybe this was good, so you can step back and see the whole picture.

 

[perl8429]

You''re not cheap...however, I think you and your fiancee'' need to sit down and talk about what she defines love as? Is it the size of her rock that says how much you love her? What does she want ? -- a rock or a marriage?
Thaat being said...I do understand she must feel odd having a ring under a carrat when the average ring in America is over a carat. I would tell her that a 10 year upgrade would be a possibility. When my hubby proposed to me...the ring was beautiful....and only 0.77....he bought what he could afford and upgraded when he could. As much as I was itching for a 1 carrat when I first got it....I wanted the man more than I did the ring. A diamond can always be replaced...but the love of one''s life can''t!

 

[bluedawg]

Date: 4/24/2005 5:18:24 AM
Author: jacknovak
wow. i''m blown away with all of the replies. i appreciate all of them. there is much more to this than i explained in my first post of course. but fundamentally, what i wrote was true. some of you nailed it when you said she felt hurt i was thinking of spending more on a drumset. i know i''m not close to the one - two month salary rule. i didn''t know about that rule until after i bought it. i guess i just don''t understand why how much you spend or how big the diamond is represents how much you love the person. i live in the silicon valley and there''s a lot of materialism here, so i think maybe this has something to do with it. after i gave the ring to her she showed it to her friend and i asked what the friend thought... her reply was that her friend''s ring was 2 carats and beautiful so she didn''t seem too impressed...

she has since apologized. she in no way is a gold-digger or in this for the money. some of you have identified there are pretty major underlying problems here... we''re trying to work on them.

thanks again for all of your thoughtful replies.

I''m glad you guys are open to talking about this. I think your fiancee needs some friends whho are more supportive! If they weren''t totally excited for her because the ring wasn''t 2 carats... well, I don''t think they are worth very much as friends.

As for that two-month salary thing... that is a rule given to society by diamond marketers! Spend what you want to and what you can afford. Trust me when I say, a honking ring probably isn''t going to matter much if you guys begin your marriage with a load of debt. Financial problems are, afterall, the number one cause of divorce in the USA.

I hope you can work things out, because i had a feeling there was more to it than you mentioned in your first post. Most guys wouldn''t be interested in marrying a woman who only cared about diamond size-- and I think you would have known she was that way long before you ever bought the ring. KWIM? Good luck. I hope you are able to find a great new job, too.

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 4/23/2005 9:44:10 PM
Author: jlc0604
I think everyone is judging this girl harshly with very little information. You say her complaining was set off when you mentioned buying a drum set. So maybe she wasn''t giving you a hard time about being unemployed and not spending enough beforehand?? It isn''t clear from what you wrote.

I would understand if my BF couldn''t afford to buy me the ring I wanted, and of course I''d still marry him and be happy with something smaller. OF COURSE it''s the marriage that matters and not the ring. But no one wants to wear a ring they don''t like every day for the rest of their life. And I think I''d be a little upset if the BF was planning on spending a lot of money on himself as soon as he got a new job. At that point, it''s not that he can''t afford it but instead that he chooses to not spend the money on her, but rather on himself. She sounds like she''s being a little selfish, but so does he.

But then again, I think at this phase of the relationship, large purchases like rings and drum sets should be discussed and agreed upon together. Maybe that would help?

I couldn''t agree more.

I''d feel pretty slighted that as soon as he has another job he chooses to buy a something soley for *himself* which is more expensive than a e-ring. I''d would question what he places value on.

If you had no steady supply of income in the present, I wouldn''t expect you to break your bank/over extend yourself on a ring. But, the mention of the drumset would make me feel like I''m not your priority.

Engagement rings are a funny nut. Whether right or wrong, many look to the ring as a symbol of your love & sacrifice.

 

[icelady]

I also feel the woman in this case is being judged harshly and we have little information on the whole true situation.

I am very glad to hear that you are communicating with her on this situation. That is possitive.

I am wondering why though, you did not buy a cheaper drum set for yourself now, (making the sacrifice there) and promise her that when you get your next job you would buy the engagement ring when you did not have to sacrifice on it? The ring is something she will be wearing for a long time to come. Another option would be to buy neither until you have secured another job. There are no rules about having to have a ring to get engaged! Is the drum set job related or a hobby for you?

Just a thought.

Almost forgot, congratulations on your engagement!

 

[jlc0604]

I have a somewhat different view of engagement rings that most here. I''m not a sentamentalist at all, and I don''t place too much value in any material thing. To me, it''s the intangable things that are important, and the tangable ones are just for fun. So to me, the ring doesn''t represent some symbol of how much love or sacrifice or committment we have for one another. That''s what the marriage is for. To me, the ring is just a fun toy that we get to celebrate one of the most important event of our lives.The marriage and the ring are completely separate to me, connected only because we get one to celebrate the other. Plenty of people don''t wear e-rings at all, and their marriages are just as strong.

That''s why for me, it''s important that we chose together how much we should spend, what ring to get, when we should get engaged, etc. It''s a huge purchase, and a frivalous one. I wouldn''t want him to spend more than we both decided was appropriate, because to me that money is now ours. Even though we haven''t officially combined it yet, once we get engaged/married we''ll be inheriting the others savings. So while he saves for a ring, I''m saving for the wedding. It will all even out in the end, and like others have suggested, our next large purchase will be something he really wants, like a large screen TV

That said, I think I''d rather have no ring at all than one I didn''t love. To me, spending hundreds or thousands of dollars on something that you think is ''ok'', just because it''s some physical sign of the marriage and committment, is silly. That''s a HUGE amount of money to spend, and I''d prefer to spend either a.) more to get what I like, or b.) none at all. It doesn''t make sense to spend so much on a frivalous splurge unless it is something that will be adored and make the wearer happy each day. I''m very cheap, so on the rare occasions I spend a lot, it must be something I feel we''ll get tons of enjoyment/use out of. If we couldn''t afford an e-ring, I would prefer to get married with just a wedding band. It doesn''t make sense to me to spend so much unless I absolutely love it. And e-rings are tricky, because tastes vary so much.

Maybe for this girl, it isn''t just size but also the style she isn''t happy with?? I know I''d love a 3 carat ring, but realistically that will never happen. So instead I''ve chosen what I love and is realistic within our price range. I think there is a difference between wanting something you love and just lusting over a bigger rock to show off to your friends.

That said, I know plenty of people have widely differing views on this. I''m not trying to knock anyone else''s way of doing things, it''s just the opinion of a girl that is much more rational than emotional.

 

[pearcrazy]

No, I don't think you're cheap. I think .85 is a respectable size for a diamond engagement ring. I also think $4000 is a lot for a drum set when money is tight unless you need it for your profession.

Your fiancee needs to grow up or at least express her disappointment in a different way. Perhaps she was happy with the ring until you mentioned the drum set? If so then you've learned your first lesson. Perhaps it's not about the ring being small, perhaps she feels that you think a drum set is worth spending more on, therefore in her mind, she's less important to you. It's a girl thing.

 

[jacknovak]

you captured her sentiments the closest out of all the posters. about the drumset, i originally told her i wouldn''t buy one until i got another job... then i mentioned i might just buy it anyway, and the cost could be more like $1000 to $2000. i would totally upgrade her ring later when i have more money if that means a lot to her. i thought it didn''t but now i think i may be wrong. i guess that is what concerns me - not knowing that spending a lot on her makes her feel more valued. i really don''t believe in that at all... that how much you spend on someone is a measure of how much you love them. in fact, i think the contrary can be assumed - that if you spend a lot on someone, you''re simply making them happy with material possessions and that in no way reflects love but rather takes you further away from it.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 4/24/2005 2:12:39 AM
Author: sparklish
I think next time she complains, remind her that 2 months salary when you''re unemployed = $0.

ROTFLMAO - this is PRICELESS!

 

[makemepretty]

It makes me a little sad that you would consider spending more on a drumset(which won''t last forever) as opposed to a diamond for her. I could see where she''d be a little upset that you''d put yourself above her. Now, I''m not materialistic, I don''t even own my original e-ring(or any e-ring) for that matter but have been married for 14 years so I can say...hold off on a ring until you have a job and find out what will make her happy. You really don''t want this arguement to last years, trust me.

 

[movie zombie]

this has nothing to do with being in silicon valley. besides, lots of those that lived high when the market was up, left the state when the market went down and they were so far in debt they couldn''t afford to live here any longer.

perhaps a very long engagement is in order so that both of you can figure some things out. one thing i can tell you is that $$$ problems break up most marriages. and if you''re already having $$$ issues, then its time to put all the cards on the table.

if there is one thing you don''t want to do...whether you''re in silly valley or not...is get caught up in that game called keeping up with the joneses. as others have pointed out, living beyond your means will catch up with you eventually...and given the current US economic situation, i''m betting it will be sooner rather than later.

and i do think she should take the hint and get you that drum set. gift giving is a two way thing.

we all need dreams beyond just the immediate of putting food on the table, roof over out heads, etc. you''re more than entitled to dream of a $4k drumset and settle for a $1-2K set. sort of like her dreaming of a 1 carat diamond and having to settle for an .85.....yeah, right, like an .85''er is something any of us would turn down!!!

peace, movie zombie

peace, movie zombie

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 4/24/2005 3:12:48 PM
Author: jacknovak
you captured her sentiments the closest out of all the posters. about the drumset, i originally told her i wouldn''t buy one until i got another job... then i mentioned i might just buy it anyway, and the cost could be more like $1000 to $2000. i would totally upgrade her ring later when i have more money if that means a lot to her. i thought it didn''t but now i think i may be wrong. i guess that is what concerns me - not knowing that spending a lot on her makes her feel more valued. i really don''t believe in that at all... that how much you spend on someone is a measure of how much you love them. in fact, i think the contrary can be assumed - that if you spend a lot on someone, you''re simply making them happy with material possessions and that in no way reflects love but rather takes you further away from it.

Two sides of the fence with this. From my point of view, I may not see it as the money spent - i.e. you must spend x. To me, it would be more about "sacrifice". I.E. going without your drumset because you know she wants a big diamond (some girls are just like that). It''s not the $$$. It''s the priority & value she may see "her" gift as being (yeah, enough with the i.e. - but here goes again - i.e. your drumset (something you want) more important than getting her the ring of her dreams.

I prefaced this before by saying - whether right or wrong - some folk will look to her engagement ring as to how much you love her. I''ve had people comment on my 20th anniv. ring and say "Wow, he must really love you." It''s kinda silly. It didn''t change how much he loved me; but, it did make me feel good that he recognized something that was so unimportant to him may be important to me - thus the sacrifice of his own feelings.

Again, talk about it. It will do you good.

 

[michela002]

Date: 4/24/2005 3:12:48 PM
Author: jacknovak

i really don''t believe in that at all... that how much you spend on someone is a measure of how much you love them. in fact, i think the contrary can be assumed - that if you spend a lot on someone, you''re simply making them happy with material possessions and that in no way reflects love but rather takes you further away from it.

I see your point. But - here the point is not that how much you spend on her = how much you love her.

It''s that you are choosing to spend more on you (and something fun and temporary for you!) than her.

The unfortunate conclusion she may be drawing is that you love you more.

Sorry, I''m not trying to be harsh here, I''m just playing devil''s advocate. I think you both have valid points. How much you spend on her in no way equates to how much you love her, I agree, but I think she''s justified in drawing a conclusion that she''s not so important - not because you didn''t spend enough on her, but because you''re spending more on you.

 

[perry]

No you are not cheap. You are concerned about your finances and making a value judgement on what you realistically can afford for the ring.

As you have been layed off she should be glad that you got her anything due to the job market.

On the other hand, is this really the right time to purchase a drum set.

My G.F. was very concerned when she found out how much diamonds cost and did not want to overly affect the budget with an engagment ring. When things looked promising (things have now cooled off) she was more exceited that I wanted to build her a special ring than what size it would be.

Perry

 

[rosy]

If she has a friend or friends with larger stones, like 2 carat as you mentioned she wil naturally want one similar in size. You were making good money before & have quite a bit saved up so she probably feels that you could have spent more on her ring. Plus, in a girls mind a diamond ring which she will be wearing forever & is a symbol of your love & committment to one another should cost more than a drum set that does not hold that kind of meaning. It of course also depends on the girl. It sounds like she likes big rocks & if she does you might look into upgrading in the future to make her happy.

 

[Rebemdee]

Date: 4/24/2005 5:18:24 AM
Author: jacknovak
wow. i''m blown away with all of the replies. i appreciate all of them. there is much more to this than i explained in my first post of course. but fundamentally, what i wrote was true. some of you nailed it when you said she felt hurt i was thinking of spending more on a drumset. i know i''m not close to the one - two month salary rule. i didn''t know about that rule until after i bought it. i guess i just don''t understand why how much you spend or how big the diamond is represents how much you love the person. i live in the silicon valley and there''s a lot of materialism here, so i think maybe this has something to do with it. after i gave the ring to her she showed it to her friend and i asked what the friend thought... her reply was that her friend''s ring was 2 carats and beautiful so she didn''t seem too impressed...

she has since apologized. she in no way is a gold-digger or in this for the money. some of you have identified there are pretty major underlying problems here... we''re trying to work on them.

thanks again for all of your thoughtful replies.

I live in Silicon Valley too, and didn''t need a huge diamond. I think we spent more than people in other parts of the US, but I say WE because he and I established what I wanted, his budget, and went from there. I know people say the same about NYC, that people there expect larger diamonds. I think it''s more about what you can afford. Sure, I get jealous when I see those HUGE beautiful diamonds, but then again, I''m not marrying a dot com millionaire, we''re just average normal people, and we got an average normal diamond. Maybe, if the diamond size is that important to your girlfriend, she would agree to holding off the engagement so you could save for a larger diamond. Perhaps hearing that would help put it into perspective for her.

 

[thetrial]

Date: 4/24/2005 10:48:50 AM
Author: perl8429
You''re not cheap...however, I think you and your fiancee'' need to sit down and talk about what she defines love as? Is it the size of her rock that says how much you love her? What does she want ? -- a rock or a marriage?
Thaat being said...I do understand she must feel odd having a ring under a carrat when the average ring in America is over a carat. I would tell her that a 10 year upgrade would be a possibility. When my hubby proposed to me...the ring was beautiful....and only 0.77....he bought what he could afford and upgraded when he could. As much as I was itching for a 1 carrat when I first got it....I wanted the man more than I did the ring. A diamond can always be replaced...but the love of one''s life can''t!

I thought the average engagement ring size in the US is .5-.75 carats?

 

[phoenixgirl]

I''m not saying it''s justified, but I sympathize with your fiance.

I would feel totally fine with however much my future husband could spend on me, and probably your fiance would too. However, I think the drum thing led her to believe that you were skimping. Being unemployed is no longer an excuse when you feel totally fine spending $4k on a luxury item for yourself.

Perhaps to her this was supposed to be a sacrifice. Since you couldn''t sacrifice a huge chunk of change due to your employment status, perhaps she would have liked to hear that you had wanted a new drum set but had instead spent $2k more on her ring. I wrote recently about a pastor who ate popcorn for two months to buy his wife a 0.20ct engagement ring. She wept with joy when she received it . . . not because a huge flashy diamond, but because he had really sacrificed to buy her the best ring he could.

I went through something similar to your situation with my then-fiance. Our financial situations were completely different. Just buying a setting (to house my grandmother''s diamond) was a sacrifice, and I appreciated it. But then if he talked about buying golf clubs or an iPod or something, I would be like, "Hey, I pay for 75% of the bills and provided my own engagement diamond, and you want to buy yourself a new toy instead of paying off debt or saving for the future or buying me a gift?" Not that this was rational (and it was certainly indicative of the need to sort through money issues), but that''s how many people think. To me, the gift was relative to the sacrifice behind it.

Maybe the issue is also partly how to think about money now. You will be married soon, and neither of you can just go off and spend $4k without discussing it.

 

[MaybeDayze]

I'm going to be very un-pc here.

Yes - you are being cheap. - Especially if you are talking about purchasing yourself a $4 k drum kit for yourself - albeit once you are employed again.
And when you were previously making $73,000. - And will probably be making good money once employed again.

This is something your future wife is going to wear her entire life.
Most non-pscope women don't want to upgrade their stone for sentimental reasons. This is something she has dreamt of her whole life! She's going to wear it everyday - and look at it hundreds of times a day.

Though I don't believe how large the stone is, or how expensive it is, is in correlation to your love for her, I do think it should be a stretch and a sacrifice on your part - And here you are talking about spending more on yourself here shortly!

I'm not saying it should put you in financial jeopardy!

What does this ring represent to you? Do you want to be proud of this ring?
Do you want her to be proud of her ring? What message are you sending her?

You two need to have a long talk, and find a compromise, something you will both be happy with.

* Do you think you would feel differently about what you'd spend on her engagement ring if you were employed?
If the answer is yes, maybe you should wait until you're employed again to buy it - Once you feel more secure.

my un-pc .02

 

[Mara]

i also wanted to chime in re: the silicon valley thing...i know i have heard a few others mention that SV is very material and that has to do with big rings...but in reality i think that is not necessarily a blanket statement truth. i was born and raised here and have lived here all my life. i went to school locally, and worked in tech locally for 10+ years.

sure i have seen some big rocks, and yes this area is very material...keeping up with the joneses and/or a big flashy house or car was always a sign of how well you are doing (or your stocks were doing etc)...but in the last 4 years or so since the bust, things have definitely changed...and i don't see as much of that flashy lifestyle at all. and it was never like LA to begin with...the SV is more understated in all things IMO. not that it's good or bad but i honestly do not see 2c rocks every day of my life here. and i work with alot of people in my industry and our circle of friends mostly have six figure plus salaries and they aren't wearing 2c rocks necessarily. in fact most of my married friends have small diamonds, and that is because that's what they chose and what was important to them...they have nicer cars rather than a big rock etc. and most of my friends also live within their means and do alot of saving as well.

that does not mean the 2c rocks are not out there, my girlfriend noted when she worked at adobe, 4 of the girls in marketing all had at least 2c rocks and 'they were huge'. also she just said her CFO got engaged at her new co and she has a 2.5c rock that is huge. but in reality i see a 2c rock maybe once a week around here--it may depend on where you live as well but in the general overall silicon valley, it's not 2c rocks and lexus's 24/7.

so quite possibly your gf's friend has a 2c rock but i bet she has other friends who have smaller rings if they wear their rings at all. most of my married friends don't even wear their engagement rings, just wear a w-ring. obviously i am the anomaly in our group/circle since i adore my big rock and of course want it to be bigger as soon as humanly possible. we have a beautiful new townhouse. but we also have older cars since our priorities are not necessarily flashy new stuff to impress others but rather things that make us happy personally, aka the amenities in our new house (big jet tub that fits two!) and greg's old car fetishes and his music (instruments are not cheap) and of course my diamonds and shoes.

anyhow i think alot of people here in the valley do live beyond their means and were shown the door when the bust hit and alot are smarter now...they may still be buying flashy items here and there but it's not all flash all the time...there is more behind it. so honestly the whole 'and we live in silicon valley' thing to me is a copout...maybe 1 out of 5 gals have 2c rings and something that is .85 is not going to get you laughed out of the room. your gf may want a bigger stone, but even if the stone was over 1c and she reached that 'magic mark' in alot of girl's heads...her 2c friend would still not be impressed if that is what she is after. i would be more concerned with 'do i love the ring and stone' rather than what my friend said about it.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 4/24/2005 11:11:12 PM
Author: Mara


anyhow i think alot of people here in the valley do live beyond their means and were shown the door when the bust hit and alot are smarter now...they may still be buying flashy items here and there but it''s not all flash all the time...there is more behind it. so honestly the whole ''and we live in silicon valley'' thing to me is a copout...maybe 1 out of 5 gals have 2c rings and something that is .85 is not going to get you laughed out of the room. your gf may want a bigger stone, but even if the stone was over 1c and she reached that ''magic mark'' in alot of girl''s heads...her 2c friend would still not be impressed if that is what she is after. i would be more concerned with ''do i love the ring and stone'' rather than what my friend said about it.

Mara
20% is pretty high %,so i guess 2 cts do grow on trees out there in silicon valley.

 

[Mara]

DF don't be silly, if 2c's grew on trees out here, don't you think i'd have one?

if all it took was a tree.

let me rephrase that, possibly one out of 5 engaged or married gals..

so it's not 20% of all women by any means. and that is just an estimate. my point is that you don't see every other person with a 2c ring. so it's NOT a prevalent thing as some may think it seems to be. now in LA...that may be a different story.

 

[researcher]

There are so many things here that aren''t being considered. For one, not everyone is okay with an upgrade. I personally don''t care if my SO and I can afford a bigger, better ring later in life--I will never stop wearing my ring. So, even though we spent a bit more than we''d planned (but nothing that was outside of our means), I got my dream ring. Would I have been happy if we''d only been able to afford a gold band? Of course--if that were really the case. But, if my SO bought me a simple band and then went out partying with the boys in Vegas and blew $1000 I''d be pretty upset. I know that''s an exaggeration of what''s being discussed here, but my point is that I''m sure it''s hard when you feel your SO has chosen to spend more on a fun toy than on something that symbolizes your love, something that you will keep forever (if you''re not someone who will upgrade). I guess my point is that there''s a difference between contentment (knowing that your man did the best he could) and disappointment (feeling that he could have afforded more without it being a hardship (which it would seem if he had money to blow on toys)). I have a feeling the girl some of you are coming down hard on would have reacted very differently if jacknovak had mentioned needing to save money for a home, the wedding, or for something that would help him get a job, etc. Now, if jacknovak is a drummer for a living, I could understand that expense. Otherwise...I know I would be hurt knowing that he felt he''d spent a lot of money on my ring but that it wasn''t a big deal to spend even more on something "just for fun". Obviously it is his money, but I would be hurt. In my case I got my dream ring, so the fact that my SO turned around and bought a new fully-loaded Inspirion laptop, all new ski equipment, and a BBQ all in the two weeks following our engagement it didn''t bother me in the least! In fact, I love that he spoiled himself a little considering I couldn''t (I was finishing my Ph.D. and not working at the time)

I guess the best analogy I can think of for men is your SO buying you a brand new TV, and instead of the 42" plasma you were hoping for it''s a 20" basic tube TV. You feel a little let down, but immediately convince yourself it''s the thought that matters and feel guilty for wanting more (afterall, you know that she doesn''t have money). So, you hook things up and bring your friends over to see your new TV. What reactions do you get? The same ones as if you had a new plasma? I don''t think so! You wish your friends were more excited for you, but you''re happy and that''s what matters. You head over to your SO''s place that night, and she''s wearing a new dress. But not just any dress, a $3000 designer dress. Wouldn''t you have the thought that maybe, just maybe, she had wasted her money and that she could have gotten you your dream TV instead? And just think--a TV isn''t for life.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 4/25/2005 1:36

0 AM
Author: Mara
DF don''t be silly, if 2c''s grew on trees out here, don''t you think i''d have one?

if all it took was a tree.

when was the last time you look at a diamond tree?

 

[movie zombie]

ok, here''s the difference from my side of the fence: the boy took out $3600 from savings to get the girl an e-ring. she''s got it here and now. didn''t have to wait. the boy then says one day when i''m working again i''d like to get a $4k drum set but i have to wait until i''m working unless i''m willing to settle for a $1-2K drum set.

what''s the big deal here?!

would the girl rather do without until he is working and get a $4k ring then? or is she happy her guy loved her enough to take money out of savings and get her a ring as a token of his love now? would she rather he had bought himself that $4K drum set and told her to wait on the ring?

sorry gang, but this fixation on ring = $ = amount of love is twisted.

is he cheap? is she ungrateful? is he unwilling to sacrifice for her? is she unwilling to allow him to have something which is fun?

seems rather odd that if i''m sitting with a $3600 ring that i''d not want my honey to have a $1-2K drum set if it made him happy. why would i want all that $$$ dumped into one ring for me? why not share the joy?

and gang, sorry but in silly valley $73K per year is nice but no big cigar. the costs for living in this area eat into that figure really really fast [especially if you''re trying to keep up with the joneses] and even faster when you are unemployed. i can honestly say that there is no way i''d take $$ out of savings to get an engagement ring [or a drum set for that matter] for my SO if i was unemployed and living here.

again, boy and girl need a serious talk re money issues and agreement re same before getting married.

peace, movie zombie

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 4/24/2005 11:11:12 PM
Author: Mara
i also wanted to chime in re: the silicon valley thing...i know i have heard a few others mention that SV is very material and that has to do with big rings...but in reality i think that is not necessarily a blanket statement truth. i was born and raised here and have lived here all my life. i went to school locally, and worked in tech locally for 10+ years.

I''m glad you brought this up. I don''t live out there; but, from my limited experience, I have found people from your area down to earth. Maybe it''s just the people I have met. Most are sort of anti-establishment/anti-materialism.

I don''t think any area has carte blanche on materialism. Pockets here - pocket there.

 

[researcher]

I don''t think it''s a matter of amount of money spent = amount of love. I don''t feel that in the LEAST (which I stated in my previous post). I do, however, think his fiance had a legitimate question. No one''s saying she demanded a bigger ring, just that she''s basically feeling like jacknovak doesn''t care. I don''t think it''s about the money itself per se, just the fact that he''s saying he didn''t have the money as his "excuse" for not getting something else, then saying he basically has money to burn on drums. It would be a completely different story for me if jacknovak had said he thinks it''s a waste of money to buy an expensive ring and even if he had all the money in the world wouldn''t feel it was necessary--there are plenty of people who feel that way. I could then understand his buying the drums. My take, however, is jacknovak just didn''t know what his SO''s priorities were (size over color etc.) and maybe used his unemployment as an "excuse" for not getting her a larger ring (which is why she''s confused).