Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS pls!

audball · Jul 12, 2011

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Thank you everyone for your support. I both unfriended him and blocked him on Facebook.

I went through our 'friends in common' and deleted as many as I could that were people I'd met through him that I actually don't talk to at all. And had all of 'my' friends/relatives delete him to eliminate as many connections between us as possible.

I removed all photos of us from Facebook and untagged myself in ones that didn't belong to me/I didn't feel comfortable in asking the owner to remove.

That's about all I can do.

I feel relief.

And as per usual, deco, your words hit home. Every.single.time. Thank you, everyone, for all of the support. Ameila, I will try your suggestion of leaving cards around to remind me of how much better off I am.

And I'm working as you all suggested to relanguage myself into being stronger for this and trying to get out of the I'm so hurt funk.

You ladies all seriously rock.

I didn't have time last night, but I promise I'll come back with pictures of the place! I should be acquiring a few more pieces this weekend, so maybe I'll wait until they're in place so everything looks/feels more complete.

I really hope you all like it!

NewEnglandLady · Jul 12, 2011

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

So glad to hear you defriended him, audball. Another step in the right direction!

And I know many have said this before me, but I just want to re-iterate: he said the things he said because he knew they would hurt you. What he wants from you is a reaction. The reaction validates what he's doing--to him, if you react to the hurtful things he's saying, it means you still CARE enough to be HURT. You know what I mean? The absolute best thing to do is what you did: ignore him. To react to his hurtful statements would be reinforcing his nasty behavior.

AmeliaG · Jul 12, 2011

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Very cool! Glad it helped. My BFF is using the cards now after a real nasty breakup and she loves it.

One caution though. If he starts acting truly remorseful like he's sincerely trying to make up with you, that's when you're going to be most vulnerable. What you write on the cards need to be something that makes you bomb-proof to this eventuality if it happens.

If you focus your re-languaging and the words on your cards on how much of a jerk he's been and then he starts playing nice and responsible, your defenses will crumble. The words on the cards will no longer ring true to you. I made that mistake once and my ex sucked me in again.

My biggest lesson was to focus on the problems that wouldn't change no matter how mature and responsible he might become and then I became more bomb-proof.

In effect, what you're trying to do is build layers of Teflon around you so he can't hurt you or suck you in any more. When you re-language to focus on the stuff that won't change no matter what he says or does, there's literally nothing he can say or do that will hurt you any more.

Good luck!

iheartscience · Jul 12, 2011

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Glad to hear it, audball!

Inkblot · Jul 21, 2011

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Here, here! *Claps*

Audball, I'm so sorry he was vicious in his return email, but I'm also glad that he's pretty transparent to you at this point. However, other posters are correct; he will hit a remorseful stage after his initial shock and anger fades a little bit. This is where you need to unmovable. Maybe write yourself a card that states, "No matter how sorry, sweet, and tender he may appear, it is all a manipulative act. Beware of the monster that lurks beneath, and do not fall into his trap!" I think you've got it handled, but you never know.

Although this is unorthodox, I went on a date one month to the day I filed for divorce. Casually dating (read: no sex) people and rediscovering myself as a 26-year-old in the dating world-- for the first time since college-- was totally liberating. I could afford to be choosy, but I also dated outside of my typical "type" and comfort zone. Though some dates were permanently filed in the Dud and Disaster folder, some of these men were the kindest, sweetest, responsible, exciting, funny, and cute guys I've ever met. Even though I'm in a committed relationship now, I am still friends with some of those post-divorce dates! Those guys validated everything my friends were telling me through the divorce; that I wasn't some walking cadaver with nothing to offer the world. That I was not a failure at life since I my husband cheated on me. I was very hesitant at first to tell people why I was divorced, and for as many guys who were turned off by status, there were just as many who were intrigued and supportive. In fact, many of these random strangers were completely aghast and angry for me...but I ONLY told them what happened if they asked. Otherwise, I just glossed over the details. Most were content with that. Guys like security after "the chase;" my SO now said he found the fact that I could commit to something as serious as marriage reassured him. I'm sure the length and toil of your relationship will give future dates the same perspective--it paints you as loyal, supportive, willing to compromise, etc. Aside from all the serious stuff, I had a total blast dating around and figuring out what I wanted. When you really think about it, failed relationships are GREAT in a sense. Now you know exactly what you DON'T want!

audball · Jul 24, 2011

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Things with ExBF are better. He's gotten past the angry stage and we're better. No wavering, I promise, but I'm glad we're getting to a more adult, mature, amicable state.

For those of you that don't venture out of LIW, check out my thread in Hangout

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/maybe-a-new-dog-name.163560/

audball · Sep 20, 2011

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Hello ladies!

I thought I'd post an update. Things are going great for me. I'm done furnishing my new apartment and feel settled and happy there. Fall classes started back up at the end of August and so far, so good.

I'm seeing someone, and he's absolutely wonderful. Literally a complete 180 degrees from the ExBF. MAN have I seen the light! We're taking things VERY VERY slowly as I'm still cautious, but he really is the most amazing man I've ever met. Kind, generous, sweet, attentive, caring, and just plain nice!

Everyone in my life can tell how much happier I am. I owe a lot of strength to all of you ladies.

Thank you all for your support over the last (almost!) year. Things are really turned around and I couldn't be happier about where my life is going now.

I have had zero contact with ExBF and have cut all ties to everyone in his family except (occasionaly, once or twice per month) his Mom. She is my acocuntant, professional advisor (I'm in accounting school), and friend. We do not talk about ExBF AT ALL or anyone in the family in any way. She asks about classes, friends, school, work, and I ask her about work and her travels.

The only thing bad I can say that came out of this whole thing is losing my sweet baby girl (dog). I miss her dearly and wish everyday that I had just taken her and told him to sue me. But I didn't, and I can't change that now. I have mutual friends that have been in contact with us both who have reported that she is doing well, and that he has drastically changed his schedule and lifestyle to accomodate caring for her, so at least there is that.

Any other questions or things I left out, feel free to give me a shout and I'll check back in.

But seriously, life is great, couldn't be happier about the decision I made to leave, and can see now, how wrong everything in our relationship was. Being with someone who thinks I am amazing, not boring in the slightest, and enjoys spending time together is amazing.

Bravo women of PS. I owe many potentially wasted years to you all. Cheers!

Blackpaw · Sep 21, 2011

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Oh Audball im so, so happy for you

im so happy you're happy, you deserved so much more than that lout and you know it now! totally awesome

MayFlowers · Sep 21, 2011

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Hey audball! I'm so glad you updated here. I had been thinking about how things were going with you.

I'm so glad that you are in such a happier place in your life now.

This new guy sounds pretty great and obviously makes you ten times happier than your ex. Best of luck with everything and keep us posted!

Mayk · Sep 21, 2011

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I'm exhausted! Just read entire thread on a flight from Atlanta to Orange County, CA.

ran through all the emotions with you. After a very similar 12 year marriage I bailed with my 8 year old daughter. Best and most difficult move I ever made. Married the man of my dreams in June this year..(5 years post divorce - 6 post split)....never knew what it felt like to be loved the way he loves me and my daughter. So happy for you...your out way before and ready to move on. Cheers! Way to be a strong woman!

tammy77 · Sep 21, 2011

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

It makes me SO happy to read your update!

Thank you for the update and congrats on the new relationship with a REAL man!

Nomsdeplume · Sep 21, 2011

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I'm so happy for you! Well done for being so strong!

audball · Sep 21, 2011

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Thanks everyone! It's been a difficult road, but it's all been for the best. Life.is.good.

audball · Sep 21, 2011