Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS pls!

[AmeliaG]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

OK, I see your point.

FWIW, you weren't the only one avoiding the reality of a breakup; your ex was too. He could have broken it off too. That's why I was a bit concerned with your situation earlier. Its bad enough when one person is having trouble facing up to a breakup, but when both are having trouble with it, there's a lot of potential for hurt. Of course, its easier to see it from the outside the relationship than when you're actually in it but now you know.

It will all work out. You've got a lot of good things planned for yourself and I hope you take advantage of them. You'll have the opportunity to build that savings account you been talking about because you're not spending money on someone else. When you decide to get involved with someone again, you'll feel more confident saying what's in your heart as soon as you feel it (good or bad) and you can have a money cushion so you won't have to face the situation of living with someone after a breakup again.

Right now, you're in charge of your life and there are a lot of good things to look forward to. Don't worry about what other people think of you, even people in this thread. Be more concerned about what you think of yourself and live the life you want being the person you want to be. It will all work out.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

You have nothing to apologize for. When you told now ex-BF that you wanted to live on your own, he told you straight out that if you moved out it was over and done. He was not supportive of you wanting to live independently, and I still think it's because he knew he was losing his domestic. You were not happy with the way he was treating you, ignoring you, putting you second in his life to his other recreations. You're not married yet, and didn't have a ring on your hand. You have not slept with anyone else.

You're young, and owe it to yourself to have this time in your life for you.

((((((((((BIG HUG!))))))))))

 

[Inkblot]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Hi Audball,

Congrats on the new apartment and taking necessary steps to extricate yourself from a toxic relationship. A few things:

1. Be very, VERY careful when handling people affiliated with the ex from this point on. That means his mother, his new roomie, etc. Those people--even if you trust them--are going to play both sides of the fence. Don't tell them anything you wouldn't want your ex knowing, because he has a direct line into your life through them.

2. It struck me as really odd that your ex would just happen to hack into your email, find emails from his friend, and then accuse you of cheating. Personally, I think the new roomie saw this type of conflict coming. I think it's plausible the the roomie followed the Bro Code and said, "Hey dude, I just want you to know I've been talking a little bit with Audball. I know we're going to live together and stuff, and I wanted to make sure we're cool." The roomie easily could've tipped him off, told him what you guys talked about in your correspondence, or even showed him the emails. If he didn't, roomie just gave the ex motivation to snoop through your private life.

3. As someone who was cheated on in a marriage, emails--no matter how innocent--exchanged between someone in a committed relationship and a member of the opposite sex are shady unless fully disclosed. It begs the question, "What are you hiding?" I know that you aren't really hiding anything, but it will always appear that way to the person feeling wronged. Whether you're together with the ex or not is semantics; I understand the roomie was an outlet, someone to confide in...but that type of emailing is a HUGE no-no because it ALWAYS turns into ammunition. Anything that feels secretive or "private" that would encourage a partner to snoop/hack into your email means that your ex is totally entitled to his anger. It sucks that he's blowing it out of proportion because he feels betrayed and angry, but if you were still "together" and discovered emails between your boyfriend and one of your girlfriends--one you happen to be moving in with soon--you would be completely beside yourself.

4. Calling you a cheater makes the situation more feasible in his head. He probably can't understand why you and the roomie would be communicating in the first place. He's connecting the misinformed dots and jumping to conclusions, but creating a fictitious relationship between you and his friend sounds better than saying, "My girlfriend is leaving me because I'm an immature jerk." Saying he found emails between the two of you--the guy he's supposed to trust as his friend and roomie!--and that you're sleeping together sounds MUCH better. He retains some dignity, and you are forever immortalized as the one who ruined your relationship. Voila. Your emails just took away any responsibility he had in ending the relationship and gave him concrete evidence to prove his perspective. Now I have no doubts his story to others will be that HE'S forcing you to find a new place to live because YOU'RE unfaithful. He's absolved of any wrong doing, you look like the bad guy, and he gets to retain some shred of dignity.

5. Don't communicate with his mom. I'm serious. When I called my ex mother-in-law to tell her I found her prodigal son with another woman, she was shocked. But not surprised. Why? Because his father did the same thing to her! Sure, she was sympathetic, told me she loved me, that she'd support me in whatever choice I made. I bawled to her, she placated me, etc. Then she turned around told my ex-husband everything I said to her and never spoke to me again. I'm serious. My "2nd mom" through marriage NEVER SPOKE TO ME AGAIN after I told her her son violated our marriage vows. That was a double-blow, because I thought she "loved' me. Can you imagine? So please, do yourself a favor. Don't be open with her. Don't trust her. Her son will come first. You are just a "phase" in his life in her eyes.

6. How do you plan on dealing with the ex's roomie now?

Though it's completely not mature and all sorts of wrong, Facebook is a great forum for angsty ambiguity. It would make things 100x worse, but I'd have a hard time restraining myself from snarky posts. Thank goodness I didn't have Facebook during my divorce. Every post would've been, "The lying @#$%! Who wants to help me move?!" Hahaha.

 

[FrekeChild]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

After reading your last post audball, I will tell you why I think he went looking through your email: Cheaters are suspicious they are being cheated on.

I cheated on my ex--I wanted to break up, he wouldn't let me, I conducted a "relationship" behind his back because he would physically restrain me from leaving him until I agreed to stay with him. Healthy? Hell no!

At that point I had checked out of the relationship so I didn't give a rats ass if he was cheating...but I've heard it said so many times, and this situation brought it to light--cheaters think what they are doing is being done to them. So they snoop.

So yeah, you weren't alone in talking to someone outside of his relationship and he took the ammunition to get out and smell like a rose. But I bet you that if he hadn't been talking to the other girl he would not have snooped through your email....

 

[audball]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

OK, I see your point.

FWIW, you weren't the only one avoiding the reality of a breakup; your ex was too. He could have broken it off too. That's why I was a bit concerned with your situation earlier. Its bad enough when one person is having trouble facing up to a breakup, but when both are having trouble with it, there's a lot of potential for hurt. Of course, its easier to see it from the outside the relationship than when you're actually in it but now you know.

It will all work out. You've got a lot of good things planned for yourself and I hope you take advantage of them. You'll have the opportunity to build that savings account you been talking about because you're not spending money on someone else. When you decide to get involved with someone again, you'll feel more confident saying what's in your heart as soon as you feel it (good or bad) and you can have a money cushion so you won't have to face the situation of living with someone after a breakup again.

Right now, you're in charge of your life and there are a lot of good things to look forward to. Don't worry about what other people think of you, even people in this thread. Be more concerned about what you think of yourself and live the life you want being the person you want to be. It will all work out.

I know I wasn't. We both should have said something sooner. Things will get better eventually and this whole thing will be better for me in the long run, but right now it's just hurting so much.

 

[audball]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

You have nothing to apologize for. When you told now ex-BF that you wanted to live on your own, he told you straight out that if you moved out it was over and done. He was not supportive of you wanting to live independently, and I still think it's because he knew he was losing his domestic. You were not happy with the way he was treating you, ignoring you, putting you second in his life to his other recreations. You're not married yet, and didn't have a ring on your hand. You have not slept with anyone else.

You're young, and owe it to yourself to have this time in your life for you.

((((((((((BIG HUG!))))))))))

Hi wink. Thanks for the input. I know that even though we weren't engaged/married, we were long term and committed. I felt guilty just tallking to the new guy, but ExBF was pushing me so far away, I didn't care. I knew he was talking to that other girl even though he knew how I felt about her. It's just a mess. I just need to calm down. And get past it. Time.

 

[audball]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

quote="Inkblot|1308237450|2947486"]Hi Audball,
Hi Ink
Congrats on the new apartment and taking necessary steps to extricate yourself from a toxic relationship. A few things:
Thanks, I'm all moved into the new place. Moved in Friday night. It was a long, hard weekend. It's starting to get better, but I know it's going to take time. Lots of time.

1. Be very, VERY careful when handling people affiliated with the ex from this point on. That means his mother, his new roomie, etc. Those people--even if you trust them--are going to play both sides of the fence. Don't tell them anything you wouldn't want your ex knowing, because he has a direct line into your life through them.

I know, I'm being cautious. I'm not doing any trash talking or justifying. There's no point. The people who know me and the people who are my real friends will know the truth. I had several say they heard what ExBF said and came to me with something like, so what really happened? So that made me feel better that some people had no doubts that what he was saying wasn't true.

2. It struck me as really odd that your ex would just happen to hack into your email, find emails from his friend, and then accuse you of cheating. Personally, I think the new roomie saw this type of conflict coming. I think it's plausible the the roomie followed the Bro Code and said, "Hey dude, I just want you to know I've been talking a little bit with Audball. I know we're going to live together and stuff, and I wanted to make sure we're cool." The roomie easily could've tipped him off, told him what you guys talked about in your correspondence, or even showed him the emails. If he didn't, roomie just gave the ex motivation to snoop through your private life.

No way. New guy wouldn't have dared. He knew it was going to be weird/uncomfortable but I know for sure this didn't happen. ExBF was looking for an out. I think (my fault) that I forgot to sign out of my gmail on my laptop and when he opened gmail to sign into his, he couldn't resist looking. And he found something he shouldn't have. But nonetheless, he was looking for an out. He's been looking for a way to be the victim and make this all my fault since I brought it up. This was his out. Don't mind the fact that he was going one further and Skyping with the girl he was talking to on the freaking iPad that I bought for him.

3. As someone who was cheated on in a marriage, emails--no matter how innocent--exchanged between someone in a committed relationship and a member of the opposite sex are shady unless fully disclosed. It begs the question, "What are you hiding?" I know that you aren't really hiding anything, but it will always appear that way to the person feeling wronged. Whether you're together with the ex or not is semantics; I understand the roomie was an outlet, someone to confide in...but that type of emailing is a HUGE no-no because it ALWAYS turns into ammunition. Anything that feels secretive or "private" that would encourage a partner to snoop/hack into your email means that your ex is totally entitled to his anger. It sucks that he's blowing it out of proportion because he feels betrayed and angry, but if you were still "together" and discovered emails between your boyfriend and one of your girlfriends--one you happen to be moving in with soon--you would be completely beside yourself.

I get that. I do. Which is why I felt guilty even talking to him. But I knew he was doing the same thing. He wouldn't talk to me. And I'll admit, I crossed an emotional line that I shouldnt have. But our realtionship was over. Neither of us had said it, but it was. I never said he wasn't entitled to be angry, but if he wanted to fix our relationship and try I gave him all the opportunity in the world. By the time this happened I was just spent. I should have ended it then, but I knew it was only a matter of another 2-3 weeks at the point and it felt easier to just distance myself from them both until it was done. Unfortunately it blew up, not in my favor.

4. Calling you a cheater makes the situation more feasible in his head. He probably can't understand why you and the roomie would be communicating in the first place. He's connecting the misinformed dots and jumping to conclusions, but creating a fictitious relationship between you and his friend sounds better than saying, "My girlfriend is leaving me because I'm an immature jerk." Saying he found emails between the two of you--the guy he's supposed to trust as his friend and roomie!--and that you're sleeping together sounds MUCH better. He retains some dignity, and you are forever immortalized as the one who ruined your relationship. Voila. Your emails just took away any responsibility he had in ending the relationship and gave him concrete evidence to prove his perspective. Now I have no doubts his story to others will be that HE'S forcing you to find a new place to live because YOU'RE unfaithful. He's absolved of any wrong doing, you look like the bad guy, and he gets to retain some shred of dignity.

I know it does. He wants to be the victim. He wants to blame me for screwing it up and ruining "the best 6 years of his life". And he's screaming it from the rooftops. I'm doing my best just to retain some grace and not make myself look like an ass. I'm not justifying anything. I own the part that I was responsible for and my part in the breakup, that's all I can do.

5. Don't communicate with his mom. I'm serious. When I called my ex mother-in-law to tell her I found her prodigal son with another woman, she was shocked. But not surprised. Why? Because his father did the same thing to her! Sure, she was sympathetic, told me she loved me, that she'd support me in whatever choice I made. I bawled to her, she placated me, etc. Then she turned around told my ex-husband everything I said to her and never spoke to me again. I'm serious. My "2nd mom" through marriage NEVER SPOKE TO ME AGAIN after I told her her son violated our marriage vows. That was a double-blow, because I thought she "loved' me. Can you imagine? So please, do yourself a favor. Don't be open with her. Don't trust her. Her son will come first. You are just a "phase" in his life in her eyes.

This will be hard. I'm so close to his Mom.

6. How do you plan on dealing with the ex's roomie now?

I'm not sure still. I really like this guy. Like, at least on paper, this could be THE guy. He is really everything I've ever looked for in a life partner. But I KNOW I'm not ready to even go there. And I certainly woudn't want to screw up what may be something amazing because I'm emotionally scarred and not ready to go there. I'm being cautious. I haven't been able to NOT talk to him, but I'm trying to keep it casual, I've made it clear it's just friends right now and he's said to take all the time in the world. So we'll see. I try to keep meetings in group settings. I'll just have to see how it goes. This is hard right now.

Though it's completely not mature and all sorts of wrong, Facebook is a great forum for angsty ambiguity. It would make things 100x worse, but I'd have a hard time restraining myself from snarky posts. Thank goodness I didn't have Facebook during my divorce. Every post would've been, "The lying @#$%! Who wants to help me move?!" Hahaha.

I haven't posted anything about it on FB. Neither has he. Though he has been posting things he knows will hurt my feelings. About other girls being beautiful and trying to act like he's not been phased and that life is great for him right now. It's really hurting me. And I know that's what he's trying to do. He NEVER posted on FB at all until a few weeks ago. I haven't unfriended him, and he hasn't me either, but I have blocked his posts from showing in my newsfeed for now. It's killing me to see them.[/quote]

 

[audball]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

After reading your last post audball, I will tell you why I think he went looking through your email: Cheaters are suspicious they are being cheated on.

I cheated on my ex--I wanted to break up, he wouldn't let me, I conducted a "relationship" behind his back because he would physically restrain me from leaving him until I agreed to stay with him. Healthy? Hell no!

At that point I had checked out of the relationship so I didn't give a rats a$$ if he was cheating...but I've heard it said so many times, and this situation brought it to light--cheaters think what they are doing is being done to them. So they snoop.

So yeah, you weren't alone in talking to someone outside of his relationship and he took the ammunition to get out and smell like a rose. But I bet you that if he hadn't been talking to the other girl he would not have snooped through your email....

Hey Freke- this may be true. He can't have physically cheated since the girl in question is home for the summer (4 hours away). But I know they were talking, texting, emailing, and I suspect Skyping. But none of it matters. I'm trying to remind myself that no matter how much he's hurt me or how much I tried, it wouldn't have mattered. We had too much NOT in common to be together forever anyway. He was heading down a path towards a life I do not want. This is for the best. Time heals all wounds. All that crap. it's true, I just have to start moving forward, one step at a time.

 

[audball]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Mini update. Moved into my new place on Friday. My life of 6 years fit into 32 boxes. My friend and her boyfriend came to help. We loaded my car, her car, and her BF's Dad's truck. All my stuff fit in one load. I was packed the night before in under 4 hours. And moved everything in under 2 the next night.

I went ahead and bought some little things from IKEA to make me happy. And I bought a mattress. It's on the floor for now, but that's okay. Things are coming along. Just trying to take it one day at a time.

 

[princesss]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Mini update. Moved into my new place on Friday. My life of 6 years fit into 32 boxes. My friend and her boyfriend came to help. We loaded my car, her car, and her BF's Dad's truck. All my stuff fit in one load. I was packed the night before in under 4 hours. And moved everything in under 2 the next night.

I went ahead and bought some little things from IKEA to make me happy. And I bought a mattress. It's on the floor for now, but that's okay. Things are coming along. Just trying to take it one day at a time.

And, hun, I'll tell you - that's the only way to get through it. One day at a time, one hour at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. Take a break, take some time for you, get your life set up the way you want it. I promise, it gets better. It even gets kind of fun. The only rule I've made for myself since my breakup was to not become the bitter girl that people are afraid to share good news with. I dont' want to be that girl. Otherwise, I let myself act the way I feel, and if that's sad sometimes, okay, and when it's happy, okay. Don't try to talk yourself out of how you feel. It's okay to be sad, excited, relieved, worried, scared, exhilirated, etc.

Enjoy your apt, and take pictures as it progresses! I wanna seeeeeeee.

 

[AmeliaG]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Hey, I was thinking you were busy getting your new apartment together. Good for you!

Little by little you'll make it.

One good thing about all of this is it lets you know who your true friends are. These are the friends that will stick with you through thick and thin and are worth holding onto. The rest not so much.

 

[merilenda]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

So glad to hear you're into your new apartment. It sounds to me like you're doing exactly what you need to do right now. Getting your new place together and blocking his FB posts, etc. Take care of yourself and keep taking it one day at a time. Still thinking about you, audball! Keep us updated!

 

[audball]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Thanks everyone! I am seriously taking things out with some retail therapy. I've bought some things and the apartment is starting to feel kind of like home.

As soon as I find my battery charger, I'll take some pictures and get the progress up for review

Thank you all for the support you've given me over the last few months, it's keeping me going.

 

[audball]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I have located my camera and will take pictures later tonight for you guys. Still a work in progress, but it's coming along. I hope you all enjoy what I've done so far.

As for everything else, he's been absolutely horrible. He's said horrible things and things that I'd guess (99%) are untrue just to hurt me. He was looking for closure I guess and had questions. I was more than willing to answer them if he'd give me the same courtesy, and he agreed. He emailed me his questions (still refuses to actually talk to me) and I did the same. I very thoughtfully and carefully went through each question (he had 4) and wrote a thorough response in a kind manner to try and give him the closure he was looking for. Shame on me for thinking he'd do the same.

He was completely hateful. Horrible. Said really hurtful things. Everytime he even came close to accepting an ounce of responsibility for our split, he put it all back on me. Every last bit. The whole message read me, me, me, all your fault, totally not me, that it made me sick. The two things that hurt me the most were, 1) he said he wishes he had honestly never met me and completely regrets every bit of the last 6 years, and that 2) "As cynical as I can be about marriage, I always knew (ha!) it would different with you...what a crock, and to think I'd been saving and researching the last two years and was planning on asking you in a short time. I had a sizeable savings account set aside with a single purpose - your ring. I knew we had our problems, and I had a piss poor way of showing you how much I really loved you, but I always knew I wanted to be with you unitl the day I died."

I can't get his words out of my head. It makes me cry every time I think about it. That message came on Friday and I've been trying to decide if I want to even write back. And I know he's full of crap. He's spent so much money on himself in the last 2 years, he didn't have a dime leftover. And he'd never have put something for me above what he wanted, to buy a plane. If he really does have a sizeable savings account, it was to buy a plane, not to buy a ring, and he's just trying to throw it in my face. Little does he know I'd been so utterly unhappy in the last year of a relationship (and growing increasingly more unhappy over the last 2 years) that had he asked, I would have said no.

I'm just really hurting.

On a slightly happier note, my younger sister, BIL, neice, older sister, and older sister's new boyfriend are coming down (about a 3 hour drive) to spend the whole weekend with me this coming weekend. So I'm really excited to see them. I haven't seen them since before the split and they're coming to see my new apartment and catch up.

 

[decodelighted]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

When you finally get this toxic narcissist out of your life FOR GOOD ... you'll be able to look back and realize CLEARLY that all of his words mean NOTHING. It's all games and manipulations to hurt your even more and punish you for not being his servant anymore. Everything he says and does just further convinces me that you've done the right thing in protecting yourself from him. You won't see this now. Because you still hold out some kind of hope that he is the person you WISHED he was.

I look forward to the day you really, really "get it." Because there won't be an OUNCE of doubt. Or a twinge of emotion or regret. One day. One fine day.

 

[AmeliaG]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Damn, he's really making it hard for you. That's unfair.

Listen, honey, when its time for a breakup, it gets to the point of 'Why ask why?'. You know when its time when neither of you are willing to work on it anymore. The reasons don't matter.

At this point, what 2-3 weeks after you moved out, he's still pestering you for an answer? That's not fair. You can't give yourself complete closure yet; so you can hardly give it to him.

I think the line about him getting ready to buy you a ring was bull; didn't he tell you that he'd been withdrawing from you lately and didn't know why? That's not the statement of a man getting ready to propose.

If he can't figure out that you two needed to break up after he'd admitted that, there's no help for him at least in the short term and you've got your own life to live.

I hate to say it but I think you need to cut off all contact with him and everyone associated with him that would bring you in contact with him. I fear if you give him an inch he will take a mile.

Please don't let yourself fall for that.

 

[audball]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

When you finally get this toxic narcissist out of your life FOR GOOD ... you'll be able to look back and realize CLEARLY that all of his words mean NOTHING. It's all games and manipulations to hurt your even more and punish you for not being his servant anymore. Everything he says and does just further convinces me that you've done the right thing in protecting yourself from him. You won't see this now. Because you still hold out some kind of hope that he is the person you WISHED he was.

I look forward to the day you really, really "get it." Because there won't be an OUNCE of doubt. Or a twinge of emotion or regret. One day. One fine day.

I know you're right. The first thing I said to my best friend when she read it was that it was total bullshit and that he was just trying to hurt me. The sucky part is that it worked, and I am hurt. I know he's lying and he's just trying to make me feel bad, but seriously? Wednesday is one month since the breakup...the old apartment is turned in, final bills have been paid, everything is seperated. It's done. My second thought when he threw the marriage part in there was that I wouldn't have said yes. I was so unhappy and we were in such a bad place, even if he were telling the truth, and I seriously doubt he was, I woud.not.have.said.yes. I already knew we were heading for a breakup, I alreayd knew that we couldn't make each other happy anymore. We don't want the same things, and I know the split is for the best. But he's still trying to hurt me. And for that, I hate him. But I know that's still me caring. I remember my last long term break up when I went from feeling love for him, to hating him, and to eventually feeling completely indifferent. I know I'll get there, and I look forward to the day.

 

[audball]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Damn, he's really making it hard for you. That's unfair.

Listen, honey, when its time for a breakup, it gets to the point of 'Why ask why?'. You know when its time when neither of you are willing to work on it anymore. The reasons don't matter.

At this point, what 2-3 weeks after you moved out, he's still pestering you for an answer? That's not fair. You can't give yourself complete closure yet; so you can hardly give it to him.

I think the line about him getting ready to buy you a ring was bull; didn't he tell you that he'd been withdrawing from you lately and didn't know why? That's not the statement of a man getting ready to propose.

If he can't figure out that you two needed to break up after he'd admitted that, there's no help for him at least in the short term and you've got your own life to live.

I hate to say it but I think you need to cut off all contact with him and everyone associated with him that would bring you in contact with him. I fear if you give him an inch he will take a mile.

Please don't let yourself fall for that.

He is making it hard. I see what you mean, I knew I shouldn't have gone there, but what's done is done. He got happy closure, I got a knife to the chest. I agree that his ring business was total bull - he knows I want to be married and he knew that would hurt me. Another way for him to dangle the carrot just out of reach. As if I had been a good girl I would have gotten engaged. Whatever. He didn't want to marry me. It doesn't matter what he says.

I have taken actions to stop contact. I blocked his cell and work number on my phone for voice calls (not that he's called me once since the breakup call) and I've blocked his cell from texts. I blocked his email from my gmail so that it automatically deletes incoming messages. The only thing I haven't done is unfriend him on Facebook. It feels so childish to do so, but I suspect the only reason he hasn't is so he can keep any eye on me and/or hurt me more. He's posted several statuses about other girls, etc probably to upset me. Up until three months ago, despite having an account, he hadn't used Facebook more than once a month in 6 years. I guess I should just unfriend him. I have no reason to keep him on there, it'll just make me self conscious about posting statuses about being happy or dating or anything like that. I need to be able to move on without worrying about him, he's obviously not worrying about me.
He can still get ahold of me by my work email or work phone if he absolutely needs to talk to me, other than that, all contact has been blocked.

 

[AmeliaG]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Hey, honey, I wasn't blaming you - I was blaming him. That's a shitfaced thing to do to you. Like deco said, its total manipulation and you're vulnerable now which is why it really sucks.

Take care!

 

[audball]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Hey, honey, I wasn't blaming you - I was blaming him. That's a shitfaced thing to do to you. Like deco said, its total manipulation and you're vulnerable now which is why it really sucks.

Take care!

I know, I really appreciate your input. He is being hateful and manipulative. He's trying to make everyone feel sorry for him, even me. And I do feel sorry for him. I feel sorry that he will never be able to have a meaningful relationship because things, stuff, and work are always going to be more important to him. I feel sorry for him that he will never be able to experience the satisfaction of a strong, healthy marriage because he's so self-centered and selfish. But I don't feel sorry for me, I know I'm better off.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Don't unfriend him on FB, freaking BLOCK him! Him, and his core buds. This way they can't see anything of yours, and if you get tempted to go look at his picture on FB nothing will come up.

He's such an a$$. You completely dodged a bullet there!

 

[princesss]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

UNFRIEND!

For the love of all that is good in the world, unfriend him! You won't start moving towards indifference until you stop ALL contact. All. Even stupid facebook status updates. Why does unfriending him feel childish but blocking his number is okay? You don't block somebody's phone calls and e-mails if they're actually your friend.

I'm sorry he's making this as hard as he possibly can. Stop giving him ways to hurt you! He's clearly going to do everything he can to upset you, so just remove his ability to do so. You're going to feel much better once you do.

And, as always, *hugs*. I can't wait to see pics of the apartment! I'm sure it looks great.

 

[TooPatient]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Don't unfriend him on FB, freaking BLOCK him! Him, and his core buds. This way they can't see anything of yours, and if you get tempted to go look at his picture on FB nothing will come up.

He's such an a$$. You completely dodged a bullet there!

This.

As so many others have said, cut ALL contact with him -- and that includes his family and friends! The only thing that keeping the contact in place will do is cause you pain.

 

[zipzapgirl]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

Get him out of your Facebook life.
Unfriend him and make sure neither he nor his friends can see your pictures and updates. Keep a really close eye on your privacy settings.
Breakups aren't about being polite - they are about self-preservation

 

[decodelighted]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

It would help you to start relanguaging this.... tell yourself a different story. NOT "his email hurt me" or "his lies hurt me" BUT ... "I saw through that BS more easily than ever before and now he isn't ABLE to hurt me like he has been in the past." "He can't hurt me anymore!" Like it or not, you're kind of wallowing in it. GET TOUGH with yourself. Get FOCUSED on the lies and the anger and rightful RAGE you should feel at this heartless con man who continues to try to abuse your trust and prey on your good will for his own amusement.

He is not your friend. BLOCK him. And move the freak on as fast as possible for your own mental health. When you slip into "woe is me mode" ... challenge yourself. Keep reminding yourself of the reality of his behavior and how it runs exactly counter to your prior "end game" of marriage. YOU WIN. YOU don't have to put up with this bs anymore. HE is the one w/o your affections. HE is the dumpee. Own it.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

BRAVA, Deco!!! Very well put!

 

[sparklyheart]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

It would help you to start relanguaging this.... tell yourself a different story. NOT "his email hurt me" or "his lies hurt me" BUT ... "I saw through that BS more easily than ever before and now he isn't ABLE to hurt me like he has been in the past." "He can't hurt me anymore!" Like it or not, you're kind of wallowing in it. GET TOUGH with yourself. Get FOCUSED on the lies and the anger and rightful RAGE you should feel at this heartless con man who continues to try to abuse your trust and prey on your good will for his own amusement.

He is not your friend. BLOCK him. And move the freak on as fast as possible for your own mental health. When you slip into "woe is me mode" ... challenge yourself. Keep reminding yourself of the reality of his behavior and how it runs exactly counter to your prior "end game" of marriage. YOU WIN. YOU don't have to put up with this bs anymore. HE is the one w/o your affections. HE is the dumpee. Own it.

I couldn't agree more! I have silently followed your story since day 1. You have come SO far and that's awesome. You deserve the wonderful life ahead of you. You KNOW the truth.. regardless of what he wants you to think. You saw through all of it so long ago when he chose his plane and his hobbies over you EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. He's doing all of this to hurt you and I'm glad you realize that.. even though it's hard to remember sometimes, you know the truth!

Defriend him from facebook ASAP! Make it so that only your friends can see pictures of you and info. You don't owe him any explanation or any courtesy. You know he's looking to see what you are doing bc he is probably more lost than anyone right now trying to figure it all out. You have moved on and started making a wonderful new life for yourself and he probably NEVER imagined that would happen!! So go out there, enjoy it! And stop talking/having contact with him. He doesn't deserve to know how happy you are and will be now that he's gone. He treated you too poorly to deserve to have access to that information

 

[tammy77]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

I'd send him an itemized invoice for dog care, deodorant, whatever the heck he mooched off of you since he has SO much saved up for what would have been your ering...if only... Seriously hun, the guy's a L O S E R and you've come too far to be manipulated by his BS.

I haven't posted in a while but felt it was time to come around again to echo the other girls' nudges (and Deco's shove) in the right direction. Can't wait to see pics of your place!

ETA: big ditto to everyone that said to defriend him. IF he ever starts treating you with decency and respect, then maybe add him again. Hell I divorced amicably and we defriended. It's just not healthy.

 

[iheartscience]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

It would help you to start relanguaging this.... tell yourself a different story. NOT "his email hurt me" or "his lies hurt me" BUT ... "I saw through that BS more easily than ever before and now he isn't ABLE to hurt me like he has been in the past." "He can't hurt me anymore!" Like it or not, you're kind of wallowing in it. GET TOUGH with yourself. Get FOCUSED on the lies and the anger and rightful RAGE you should feel at this heartless con man who continues to try to abuse your trust and prey on your good will for his own amusement.

He is not your friend. BLOCK him. And move the freak on as fast as possible for your own mental health. When you slip into "woe is me mode" ... challenge yourself. Keep reminding yourself of the reality of his behavior and how it runs exactly counter to your prior "end game" of marriage. YOU WIN. YOU don't have to put up with this bs anymore. HE is the one w/o your affections. HE is the dumpee. Own it.

Agreed 100%-fantastic advice, deco!

audball-if you haven't already, DEFRIEND him! Now!

 

[AmeliaG]

Re: Breaking up is hard to do. Advice from all people on PS

It would help you to start relanguaging this.... tell yourself a different story.

Great advice, Deco!

audball, I'll give you another tip that really worked for me in a previous breakup. I printed up little cards with an irrefutable list of the barebone facts of my relationship and I scattered them around the house to remind me why I broke up. I even kept one in my wallet. Any time I felt a little hesitation or sadness, I pulled out the card and read it. It really worked.

Of course, you'd have to write it in your own words because it has to be totally believable to YOU but when I dug out my cards, I was amazed how much of what I wrote for my breakup could be applicable to yours. I just changed a couple of lines (lines 1-2):

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He wants a girl that would fly airplanes. I am not that girl. IT WASN‘T GOING TO WORK.
I want a guy that shares the home life I value. He is not that guy. IT WASN‘T GOING TO WORK.
I REFUSE to change myself over to suit someone else. IT WASN‘T GOING TO WORK.
I CANNOT TRUST a man who has to change himself over to suit me. IT WASN‘T GOING TO WORK.
These facts are irrefutable. Nothing else will change them. IT WASN‘T GOING TO WORK.
I don’t know why they‘re true; I DON’T CARE WHY THEY’RE TRUE. IT WASN‘T GOING TO WORK.
OUTSIDE THESE FACTS, NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. IT WASN‘T GOING TO WORK.
I’m free to find someone else who values what I value.
He’s free to find a girl that will fly airplanes.
WIN-WIN!
I REFUSE TO SPEND TIME OR ENERGY ON ANYTHING I HAVEN’T WRITTEN HERE BECAUSE NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As I said, you have to write it in your own words to make it your own. I think the cards really worked for me because they were behavior-independent. I knew nothing he could say or do could change what I'd written - no matter how much of a jerk he could be or how nice he'd try to be to make up with me. It didn't matter. Whenever he tried playing nice with me or sympathetic, I just reminded myself of line 4: I CANNOT TRUST a man who has to change himself over to suit me. IT WASN‘T GOING TO WORK and mentally I was free.