Bridesmaids and Jr Bridesmaids Costs/Stress

[violet02]

Wow what a mess it''s been in the bridesmaids department. I have one male man of honor, easy... Bridesmaid 1 who lives in LA (I''m in the SF bay area) decided she''s going to try and get pregnant and probably won''t be in the wedding much less show up for the wedding. Okay... we worked around that by getting my friend''s wife (who''s way cooler and happens to live locally thank god) to step in for her, bridesmaid 1a. Bridesmaid 2 is on the poorer side, that''s okay too I said I''d help out if necessary. So far financially we''ve been in her budget, until bridesmaid 1a pitched an idea to get these lovely wraps to go with the dresses which I like as well. Suddenly we''re over budget for bridesmaid 2. Ok I said we could work around this.

Now my uncle is telling me its too pricey for the dress for my cousin, jr bridesmaid. I said okay what if I pay for the dress and you pay for alterations? They''re thinking about it. They wanted to just go out and RENT a dress that may match. Egads. I also have to pay for my other cousin the ring bearers tie at this point since I doubt they want to cover the cost of the tie, they will pay for the rental at least I hope.

On top of all of this I''m also paying through the roof for hair and makeup for all of the bridesmaids, jr and otherwise as a gift to them.

I''m not sure if I''m looking for an answer here or just venting but I don''t get why these costs pile up so much. I was as reasonable as possible on these things. I said pick your own shoes just make them silver, I''ll get your jewelry, hair, makeup etc etc. Now my pretty wealthy uncle is complaining about the jr bridesmaid dress costs? Bleh. I feel badly like I''m suposed to pay for all of this stuff but i know that a lot of people either do or don''t. Traditionally on the don''t side. I can''t afford to do much more than I''m already doing at this point.

 

[Emeraldfan]

I''m so sorry this is happening with your bridesmaids. I feel you, I really do.

I am in the same situation. I have a MOH and 2 bridesmaids and all I am asking them to do is to pay for the darn dress and they can''t even do that. Granted, it''s $100 more expensive than I told them but I said I would chip that in. I am paying for their shoes, jewelry and hair/makeup (and prices out her in the Bay area are ridiculous for hair/makeup). Additionally, my MOH and her husband both just lost their jobs and I am now paying for their flights out from the East coast, their accomodations for the week in Napa for the wedding, a car rental, the dress, shoes and everything else - and I can''t get her to return my phone calls these past two weeks to finalize the arrangements

Don''t get me wrong, I love my MOH and my bridesmaids, but if I had to do it again, I would have no bridal party or just have a MOH. They are not doing anything for the wedding or throwing me a shower or bachelorette party and I feel as if I am paying an extra couple grand just so I can have them stand up there and look like I have some friends. With all the stress of the wedding I really didn''t need the added stress of them.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Wow I feel like you''ve been way more than reasonable at this point!

I wasn''t going to help my BMs at all, is that bad of me? Gosh and how do you tell someone to be reasonable? Rent a dress? I mean come on. Especially since you said they''re at least relatively wealthy. I would say this: stop paying for things! I mean, I know you have to do it to help some people out, but if it is at all possible for you to get what you want without helping out then please do it. I mean if a lot of these people can''t afford it, I understand. Otherwise, I kind of feel like you''re being taken advantage of. I mean it''s your wedding, don''t people want to help you out? Can''t they not go out to eat and save some money here or there? Don''t go see a movie? Sorry if I sound unreasonable, just frustrated for you.

There are some situations where people truly can''t afford something, but some people just don''t want to pay so it''s a convenient excuse.

 

[violet02]

Thanks for the replies ladies... it helps to hear other people''s stories and get some perspective on things.

I think in some ways I got very lucky that bridesmaid 1 ducked out. She was someone who was wealthy but complained a LOT about costs and colors and styles etc etc. It was painful. My new bridesmaid has been married twice and is a pro at this, she''s 100% all about being supportive and reassuring me that its my day etc. So I''m very very grateful for her.

Emeraldfan - I keep having to remind myself that when someone decides to be your bridesmaid that its hopefully with the understanding that yes it will cost them money and yes they will be responsible for taking care of parties and helping you plan etc. I wouldn''t have been offended if any of my friends had declined, being a pain about everything though seems not worth it. A friend of mine said she just ''fired'' one of her bmaids. I was on the verge of doing that too then my friend stepped out.

Sarah - Technically, traditionally or whatever you don''t have to pay for things for your bridesmaids, maybe get them a gift. So it''s not bad of you. For some reason I have a ton of guilt asking someone who doesn''t have a huge income to pay for things, even though both ladies are totally in agreement with the fact that they are responsible for paying for their dress and shoes. I''m not sure why I keep feeling guilty and trying to pay... you''re right I need to stop! My new bmaid is great, and has no money problems, my other bmaid and I discussed a budget that I''m trying to stick to with her, it''s pretty low though which means anything beyond shoes/dress I''ll have to cover or skip.

I spoke to my aunt earlier about my cousin, I told her we could buy a cheaper dress or have one made inexpensively then pay $40 for a sash from the company that''s making my bridesmaid dresses made out of fabric that will match their sashes. My friend can get fabric wholesale and my aunt said she could find a very inexpensive seamstress in her area. When I told her the sash was $40 though she kind of flipped out over that. She said the entire dress should only be $30 or $40. I told her I''d pay for the sash, fabric etc then she got all worked up about me not spending my money like that. I think by the end of that conversation she could tell I was pretty upset with all the nagging. Ugh.... I''m doing the best I can with them, if they dont like the seamstress/cheap dress option I''m not sure what to do. The kids really wanted to be in the wedding... I don''t want to have to cut them out.

You know the funny thing about all of this is that none of the guys have any complaints at all. My MOH guy friend is like whatever on the costs. I know guys situations are generally cheaper but we''re buying fabric and having their ties made which will cost a bit more. They''re all cool about it though.

 

[iheartscience]

Seriously, what is your aunt and uncle''s deal?! Doesn''t the jr. bridesmaid want to be able to get all dressed up in a similar, if not the same, dress? Don''t get me wrong, I know it''s not a total necessity to spend a bunch of money on a dress your kid will probably only wear once, but I feel like they''re completely depriving her of being able to be dressed up and fancy and feel kind of grown up. And it sounds like they could afford to do it! I think you really need to put your foot down. They''re jerking you around and you''re basically inviting them to by continuing to ask their opinions instead of just telling them (politely of course) what''s up.

Here''s what I would do, but it sounds like I''m meaner than you. Maybe if you''re not able to do this, your parent who is related to aunt or uncle can do it? I would call aunt and uncle up and say "I really want Sally to be part of the wedding as a jr. bridesmaid. However, your complete lack of cooperation is making it very difficult to get this done. Here''s what dress I want her to wear. I am willing to pay for half of the dress, and you will pay for the other half. I''m not going to keep going back and forth with you on how much things "should" cost. This is how much it does cost, and if you don''t want to split the cost with me, I''ll just have Sally hand out programs or do something else so she can still be a part of the day."

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 2/29/2008 8:51:25 AM
Author: thing2of2
Seriously, what is your aunt and uncle''s deal?! Doesn''t the jr. bridesmaid want to be able to get all dressed up in a similar, if not the same, dress? Don''t get me wrong, I know it''s not a total necessity to spend a bunch of money on a dress your kid will probably only wear once, but I feel like they''re completely depriving her of being able to be dressed up and fancy and feel kind of grown up. And it sounds like they could afford to do it! I think you really need to put your foot down. They''re jerking you around and you''re basically inviting them to by continuing to ask their opinions instead of just telling them (politely of course) what''s up.


Here''s what I would do, but it sounds like I''m meaner than you. Maybe if you''re not able to do this, your parent who is related to aunt or uncle can do it? I would call aunt and uncle up and say ''I really want Sally to be part of the wedding as a jr. bridesmaid. However, your complete lack of cooperation is making it very difficult to get this done. Here''s what dress I want her to wear. I am willing to pay for half of the dress, and you will pay for the other half. I''m not going to keep going back and forth with you on how much things ''should'' cost. This is how much it does cost, and if you don''t want to split the cost with me, I''ll just have Sally hand out programs or do something else so she can still be a part of the day.''

Ditto! I appreciate that you are trying to be so nice and helpful (which is awesome, by the way since so many people are not nice and helpful nowadays), but don''t do it so much that it stresses you out and causes friction!

 

[goldenstar]

Aw, your situation is a pain. I''m a little confused about why your aunt doesn''t like the cheap dress option if you are paying for it. What exactly would make her happy? Not that you have to bend over backwards to make her happy. It just seems like nothing will satisfy her. Can''t you just say "this is what I chose, I''m paying for it, end of discussion"?

 

[violet02]

My aunt is from my mom''s side of the family. They are asian, grew up during the vietnam war and are very very frugal about everything. I don''t want to stereotype my asian family but money always seems to be a big deal with all of them. That and bargains, barteing you name it. Anyways my wonderful new bridesmaid spent a ton of time doing research and found a huge variety of patterns we can use. She''s also going to take the fabric swatches from the dresses and go to the design center in SF where she gets a wholesale discount and find a color match but in polyester vs silk.

So yes goldenstar - I think I''m going to just have to put my foot down about this, not ask her for any money and just say here''s the plan. I''m going down to LA this summer so I can probably get the ball rolling then. End of discussion!

I think my aunt does want to pay for the dress but she just can''t fathom paying outside a certain amount so she''s doing her best to circumvent me at every turn. And I think it makes her feel worse that I''m telling her I''ll just pay for it so don''t worry about it. I hate that it has to be uncomfortable like this though. I''m really put off by the fact that she doesn''t seem to think it matters that much to me if her kids dont match the rest of the bridal party, she kept saying no one would notice! The toughest part about this whole wedding process are the people that can''t stop themselves from trying to tell you what to do, how to do things etc etc.

 

[violet02]

Date: 2/29/2008 8:51:25 AM
Author: thing2of2
Seriously, what is your aunt and uncle''s deal?! Doesn''t the jr. bridesmaid want to be able to get all dressed up in a similar, if not the same, dress? Don''t get me wrong, I know it''s not a total necessity to spend a bunch of money on a dress your kid will probably only wear once, but I feel like they''re completely depriving her of being able to be dressed up and fancy and feel kind of grown up. And it sounds like they could afford to do it! I think you really need to put your foot down. They''re jerking you around and you''re basically inviting them to by continuing to ask their opinions instead of just telling them (politely of course) what''s up.

Here''s what I would do, but it sounds like I''m meaner than you. Maybe if you''re not able to do this, your parent who is related to aunt or uncle can do it? I would call aunt and uncle up and say ''I really want Sally to be part of the wedding as a jr. bridesmaid. However, your complete lack of cooperation is making it very difficult to get this done. Here''s what dress I want her to wear. I am willing to pay for half of the dress, and you will pay for the other half. I''m not going to keep going back and forth with you on how much things ''should'' cost. This is how much it does cost, and if you don''t want to split the cost with me, I''ll just have Sally hand out programs or do something else so she can still be a part of the day.''

My cousin has been a flower girl three other times, I guess her dresses were really cheap then! Her being a ''jr bridesmaid'' this time around does mean we''d like her to actually match the other girls. Unfortunately my mom''s not here anymore, if she was i''m sure she''d tell my aunt what the deal was!

I''m actually hoping they pay for the seamstress if I provide all the materials. That''s the least they can do.