Completely stressed out on how to get this wedding off the ground

[snuggles1]

So I got engaged in September of 2007. We couldn''t plan for the wedding for Summer 2008 even though we wanted to because my fi''s cousin/bff is getting married in September 2008 and expressed that he wasn''t keen on having a wedding around the same time since the same family will be having to travel for the wedding.

So we decide to have it in July 2009. Mind you that I''m a teacher so I don''t want to have a wedding except in the summer since I won''t have time to plan it. I really didn''t want a long engagement but of course we have bad timing.

Round 1...We have to have a Chinese banquet style wedding since the fi''s family expects it (fi is Chinese). Most of my friends won''t eat what is at the banquet, so we decide we have to have two menu''s. We look into it and the price of the Chinese banquet comes around $100pp. The "american" style comes out to around $40pp, but of course we would have to pay the higher price. Now this is just the food alone. Some of my friends have already said if it''s a Chinese style reception, they will plan on having dinner beforehand. I said "Then I''m not inviting you." Because honestly I think it''s a waste of $$$ if they do that. I''d rather they not come.

Round 2...So then, we stress out some more as this wedding is not getting off the ground. February comes around and we''re still putting it off. We decide we want to have a west coast style clambake. However, we can''t find a place to have a ceremony and reception because well BBQ caterer''s aren''t exactly on the list for many places for wedding receptions. I''ve looked into the idea of renting a house, but we can''t find one that works quite well and to be honest with you, if I have 150 guests I don''t want to be responsible to pay for stuff if they mess up the rented house.

Round 3...So we decide we''re going to have the wedding WE want. So I want a caterer who uses organic and local ingredients and we want a small wedding. I FINALLY find a caterer and I get excited. The Fi is still worried as he''s not sure if the food will work for his friends and family as well. The family has been known to COMPLAIN and talk smack about weddings that they didn''t like. He mulls over things for several months so it may be too late by the time we decide. We don''t have several months as I just found out that one place I really wanted to have the wedding is now completely booked except for the morning.

I look at the guest list and realize it''s going to to be at 150 no matter how many people we cut out.

Round 4...We decide to elope. Then we count up all the people that will be forever angry if they are not invited and then we realize that we''ll also have to pay for the closest family as it would be bad form for them to pay for themselves and because they don''t have the money to travel (just trust me that it''s just going to have to be that way). So then we realize it''s cheaper just to have a wedding because we won''t have to pay for flights. I''m thinking of having a Vegas wedding with whoever can show up, but we still will have to pay for the accommodations and airfare of 3 adults. Also, his other BFF had a Vegas wedding so we''ll look like biters. The Fi is not too thrilled about a Vegas wedding.

So I don''t know what I''m really asking as I''ve exhausted all my options. When I ask the Fi what he wants he just says let''s have a normal wedding. But what is NORMAL??? I think I just want to forget this wedding nightmare as I realize more and more it''s about the people coming and not really about ourselves. It''s to the point where I just want to forgo the wedding and say forget it all. I''d rather not be married except for the insurance purposes. I know that some will say to stop thinking about pleasing everyone, but the problem is is that we have VERY vocal people in our friend and family circles. Anyone else have a similar situation and what did you do to remedy it?

 

[snuggles1]

And thanks in advance for reading this long vent! I''ve been dying to tell someone but every friend I talk to says "well, just do it the way you want" since they don''t have these sort of problems we have. heck, some of them said just get married at the same time as the cousin/bff and who cares if everyone has to pay extra in airfare!!! shocking!!

 

[Sabine]

Awe, Snuggles, I''m sorry this has been so frustrating for you! It''s so hard trying to accomodate so many different people, and I think the best thing is to figure out what you really want. I would start by making a list of your top priorities, and what you think you''ll remember/be sentimental most about in 20 years. Is it the food? The space? The flowers/decorations? The people who were there to share it with you? Once you list your top priorities, then you can start fitting everything else around that. Good luck!

 

[gtn]

Snuggles, I''m so sorry you have to go through all this. I have been to a ton of of chinese banquets and you could talk to the restaurant manager about having multiple menus provided that you are very specific with which tables get what. And believe me, they are more than accommodating. Ask your friends why they won''t eat the food.

Alternately, you could do what my cousin did, have two receptions. One for his family and another one for your friends and family. (Of course,I would recommend against this option as it is more expensive)

 

[snuggles1]

Date: 3/26/2008 6:15:43 PM
Author: Sabine
Awe, Snuggles, I'm sorry this has been so frustrating for you! It's so hard trying to accomodate so many different people, and I think the best thing is to figure out what you really want. I would start by making a list of your top priorities, and what you think you'll remember/be sentimental most about in 20 years. Is it the food? The space? The flowers/decorations? The people who were there to share it with you? Once you list your top priorities, then you can start fitting everything else around that. Good luck!

Thanks for the suggestion...I'm going to start that list now...

 

[snuggles1]

Date: 3/26/2008 6:19:25 PM
Author: gtn
Snuggles, I''m so sorry you have to go through all this. I have been to a ton of of chinese banquets and you could talk to the restaurant manager about having multiple menus provided that you are very specific with which tables get what. And believe me, they are more than accommodating. Ask your friends why they won''t eat the food.


Alternately, you could do what my cousin did, have two receptions. One for his family and another one for your friends and family. (Of course,I would recommend against this option as it is more expensive)

Yeah, we''ll have to do that. I just can''t get over the fact that we''re going to have to pay the full banquet price on the "american" dishes. That''s what gets me. My fiancee also thinks it''s a waste. My friends are meat and potatoes people so anything remotely different repulses them. Not to mention we are dreading the bottles of Remy and Hennessy on the tables. I hate that as I''ve been to so many of these banquets where there wasn''t even water to drink...just liquor.

We may have to have second chinese reception on the sunday morning following the wedding. It IS more expensive, but then we won''t have to have decorations and all that stuff like the DJ and the toasting photos. It''ll just be a meal, I guess.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Let me make it easy for you...you''re screwed.
I used to date guys from NY Jewish families and they always talked about, and rated, family weddings. No matter what anyone did, the family could find something wrong with it, even very nice and expensive weddings. You simply cannot win with this type of family.

Look at it as a lost cause to please them and you really will be happier. It sounds like you aren''t Chinese so even a Chinese wedding won''t be perfect. If you do the banquet and your friends don''t eat his family will be insulted they don''t like the food. Remember, those who care don''t matter and those who matter don''t care.

I know it is easier said then done as my FI''s family is the same way, but once you get over those hang-ups, everything gets easier.

Now that you have figured out they won''t like any choice you make, think for a second. Was there ever something you knew you always wanted for your wedding? What about your FI? Can you build on it? Could you have your organic caterer do Chinese fusion dishes?

 

[cara]

Reading your post made me sad. I know weddings are about balancing expectations and pressures from all sides, as I definitely went through it, but it made me sad that the pressures and expectations have sucked all the joy out of the process for you, and obliterated your own preferences and desires.

Please try to think about what you actually want from your wedding. All people besides your most immediate family and closest friends should really be secondary. (I''m not saying don''t invite them, I''m saying their preferences and needs should be secondary to yours.)

You must cut some of these people''s preferences out of your priority list in order to make a successful decision. Otherwise you will have a compromise solution that no one will be happy with, least of all yourselves.

Frankly, I would have your wedding this summer if you can pull it off. Because another 15 months is a long time to have all these decisions playing out and driving you crazy.

Have the Chinese banquent IF you actually want it. Don''t do it just for his family - if they want a Chinese banquet, they can throw it for you. I''m serious.

But if you want a Chinese banquet for your wedding, either let your picky eater guests starve, feed themselves early, or suck it up and provide the American menu at no extra cost to you - which sounds like the best option. Don''t worry about the money you "lose" by paying Chinese banquet prices for meat and potatoes - it will save you stress, it woln''t cost more than feeding them Chinese food and they would prefer it. But really, these non-adventerous eaters should be on their own - they are adults and should be fully capable of dealing. As should your Chinese relatives if presented with a non-traditional Chinese wedding. They are adults as well and should deal.

You can''t live your life paralyzed by all this pressure and pulling from each side. You must decide what you and your FI actually want out this and set reasonable limits on how much you will let other people''s expectations influence you.

 

[Gypsy]

I would do a lovely station reception. Like a long fancy cocktail hour. I would have two chinese stations-- for example one dim sum station and one noddle stir fry type thing plus chaffing dishes with a couple of traditional dishes. Two American stations-- a carving station and some salads and pasta in chafing dishes. And some lovely passed hordourves from both cultures. SO everyone has some food they can enjoy. I would do this through a caterer that has the flexibilty to manage this and will let you provide your own alcohol and serve it. You should be ablet o do this for 100 a head IF you find a venue that willprovide you with tales and chairs (and if you get lucky linens and china etc) to cut down with rentals.

I will tell you now, and you should tell your FI that you CAN NOT please people who's joy in life is to find things to complain about and nitpick. Find a middle ground that combines things from both cultures... something that is like you... blended. And forget about the conmplainers.

And honey? If you have the budget for it. I would hire a wedding planner to help you manage this. A chinese american one.

 

[Pandora II]

What would you really like as your wedding?

If I was in your shoes I would:

a) Do what Gypsy suggests

b) Book my dream honeymoon - get married when I got there (just me and FI) and throw a big drinks and nibbles party when I got home.

 

[snuggles1]

Date: 3/26/2008 6:58:22 PM
Author: cara
Reading your post made me sad. I know weddings are about balancing expectations and pressures from all sides, as I definitely went through it, but it made me sad that the pressures and expectations have sucked all the joy out of the process for you, and obliterated your own preferences and desires.

Yeah, it''s to the point where I don''t even want to get married. Nothing is happy about this. I haven''t slept well. I just want to scream. Now I know why I''ve put it off...because I knew that the wedding was going to be a nightmare.

Date: 3/26/2008 6:58:22 PM
Author: cara
Frankly, I would have your wedding this summer if you can pull it off. Because another 15 months is a long time to have all these decisions playing out and driving you crazy.

I''m starting to seriously consider this or not get married at all. I figure I really don''t care about the dress anymore, the photos, the flowers...any of that stuff...I just want to have a few nice photos and be done with it!

 

[snuggles1]

Date: 3/26/2008 6:54:39 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
Look at it as a lost cause to please them and you really will be happier. It sounds like you aren't Chinese so even a Chinese wedding won't be perfect. If you do the banquet and your friends don't eat his family will be insulted they don't like the food. Remember, those who care don't matter and those who matter don't care.

Now that you have figured out they won't like any choice you make, think for a second. Was there ever something you knew you always wanted for your wedding? What about your FI? Can you build on it? Could you have your organic caterer do Chinese fusion dishes?

Yes, that is a valid point...I'm not going to please everyone. The funny thing is, is that the immediate family doesn't care much. In fact they don't really know what this banquet is supposed to look like. It's the grandparents, aunts, uncles, random relatives we don't even know that can't keep quiet.

Also, I've never really dreamed about my wedding day. I have friends (many who are still single) who have exactly everything planned out. I imagined a destination wedding to Hawaii or somewhere pretty. I just know that I want to keep it small, but you know that people are going to open their mouths...and the next thing I know...I'll be hearing complaints about airfare from people who weren't invited. Maybe I'll just do a destination wedding this summer with just my Fi and my parents and then a reception on the 4th of July in 2009 (since that is the only day open at the site that I am remotely interested in)? Would a 4th of July reception be weird? Everyone will get free fireworks...

eta> Pandora II, Gypsy: I think it could work in the ways you suggested...esp if I save the reception until a year later.

 

[scm1012]

Your post really gets my heart racing because we are in a similar situation. I just got engaged in December and I have had it with all the needling questions(especially from loved ones, ILs to be exact): "what, where, when, why that way, why next year, why not now, what are you going to do, why are you doing it that way, wouldn''t you rather do it this way......" and on and on and on. And sometimes it''s not even what someone says...it''s the way they look at me after I say it. It''s like they give me a look of complete disappointment because I''m not on the same track as them for MY wedding. Grrr.

I am SICK to death of it. To the point where I don''t even give a shit anymore. I do not want to have a wedding at all!!!!! It is too much. And I truly felt in my heart even before we got engaged that this would happen. I already knew it. Why are WE going to spend a ton of money to please everyone else and accomodate them on OUR day?????? Screw that.

Even with our final decision, it is still going to piss a lot of relatives off. But I really could care less. I don''t rely on them for anything so it doesn''t matter to me what they think. I like what another poster said, "Those who care don''t matter and those who matter don''t care." That is SOO true.

So what we are going to do is: take a fabulous honeymoon, have a quick wedding just the two of us, and then throw a cocktail party when we come back. Everything on our terms. Those who dislike that plan will know what they can do with themselves.

 

[snuggles1]

Date: 3/27/2008 11:42:37 AM
Author: scm1012
Your post really gets my heart racing because we are in a similar situation. I just got engaged in December and I have had it with all the needling questions(especially from loved ones, ILs to be exact): ''what, where, when, why that way, why next year, why not now, what are you going to do, why are you doing it that way, wouldn''t you rather do it this way......'' and on and on and on. And sometimes it''s not even what someone says...it''s the way they look at me after I say it. It''s like they give me a look of complete disappointment because I''m not on the same track as them for MY wedding. Grrr.


I am SICK to death of it. To the point where I don''t even give a shit anymore. I do not want to have a wedding at all!!!!! It is too much. And I truly felt in my heart even before we got engaged that this would happen. I already knew it. Why are WE going to spend a ton of money to please everyone else and accomodate them on OUR day?????? Screw that.


Even with our final decision, it is still going to piss a lot of relatives off. But I really could care less. I don''t rely on them for anything so it doesn''t matter to me what they think. I like what another poster said, ''Those who care don''t matter and those who matter don''t care.'' That is SOO true.


So what we are going to do is: take a fabulous honeymoon, have a quick wedding just the two of us, and then throw a cocktail party when we come back. Everything on our terms. Those who dislike that plan will know what they can do with themselves.

OMG, I totally feel for you. I KNOW how it feels. I was putting off the engagement and the wedding planning for almost 2 years now because I knew that this would happen too.

Everytime we try to ask a family or friend about what kinds of food will such and such group eat, we get LECTURE on how you''re supposed to pick a site and then the food. That is such a bunch of bull. I think people who aren''t in the situation don''t quite understand. My own mother has become a source of stress as well just saying just do take out for those who can''t eat the other food. I''m like, TAKE OUT FOR 75 PEOPLE. No chinese restaurant will do that. And no wedding caterer will put up with that, esp if I have it catered one way and then have a bring your own food reception. We''ve looked into fusion food and we realized that the majority would just think it''s weird. I don''t know why I have a strange group of picky friends and family. I''ll eat anything...ethiopian, indian, german, thai, italian...I was thinking about where I found these picky friends...oh yeah I forgot we''ve been friends since middle school...too late to throw them off my friend bus!

So we''re starting to explore your option as well. The problem is what to serve at the party...haha, but if we just have a party with dancing I believe the half the folks that will only eat one kind of food won''t show up so it will be easier. We were thinking of having two different receptions on two different days, but then how do we manage the ceremony. Means we''ll have two ceremonies?

I''m so envious of all of you that can plan your wedding the destination way, the simple way, the fun way and have no constraints or other people to deal with besides yourselves. It makes me want to cry.

 

[miraclesrule]

Snuggles, even Destination weddings are Draaaaaaama!! Especially when both families are factored into the equation. All of a sudden you may find that you have to pay for a lot of people that need to be in the wedding, yet can''t afford the trip. Trying to coordinate with vendors in a remote location as well as accomodations for folks and activities. In many cases, it is more stressful and ends up being the same cost as having a local wedding with all your friends and family.

Weddings are stressful, but most worthwhile life events are stressful. Buying a house, having a baby, but it can also be the opportunity to hone your humor skills. And trust me, if it wasn''t for me lurking on this board, I would have lost my mind by now.