Drunk words...Sober Thoughts?

[prettylnpink419]

I am not in therapy for help with a mentally unstable person. The therapy is about me and the struggles I''ve had in MY life and it wasn''t until my last relationship went sour that I decided I wanted to work on those issues. She is focused on getting me to a place where I no longer need to see her. I went from seeing her weekly to twice a month, then to once a month. I''ve been working through my screwed up childhood among other things and dealing with my issues. Let''s face it...everyone EVERYONE has issues so if you had to wait until you were completely over your issues to be in a relationship, NO ONE would be in a relationship. For me, it has been helpful to work through my issues with the support of the people that love me.

I almost feel like unless I choose to run away and leave him, all of you are going to feel like you''ve wasted your time giving me your opinions and thoughts and you''ll think I''m a fool or crazy for not leaving. If you do I''m fine with that, but I hope you don''t feel like you''ve wasted your time.

I''ll say it again, I appreciate everything you''ve said and all of the hugs and support you''ve offered me.

It is difficult for me because everyone in my life that knows me and loves me and wants good things for me has a completely different take on this situation than all of you that do not know me personally and do not know my SO. It makes me think that either everyone that loves me is crazy and really doesn''t want good things for me or I haven''t done a fair job explaining the situation to all of you.

What it boils down to though is that whatever decision I choose I need to live with and I need to be okay sleeping with that decision every night. I don''t know what the decision is at this moment but I know that I''m the one that will have to see that decision through.

I hope that if I choose not to do what alll of have recommended you won''t think it is because I haven''t listened or read what you''ve said or that it is because I don''t value you your opinions. I wouldn''t have come here for guidance if I didn''t. I hope that you would not judge me for whatever decision I make but honestly I''m okay with it if you do because I''m confident that I''ll make the right decision for myself when I''m ready.

Your wisdom and stories you''ve shared have been eye opening and greatly appreciated. I have read every single post multiple times.

I think that for my own sanity, I need to take a break from all of this for awhile so I probably will not be around for a few days, maybe longer. I really have some thinking to do. I will check back in when I feel ready. Thanks again for everything, I can''t say it enough. You''ve been truly supportive and helpful.

 

[Mediterranean]

I don''t know if I''m comfortable saying that the therapist is crazy, because I wasn''t there....and all I have to go on is what you have posted, which I may or may not be reading with the right tone/inflection/mindframe, because the internet isn''t real-life, and writings are open to interpretation, AND because the meeting has been filtered and processed by you, and we''re getting your "take" or your "side" of things. So I''m going to be quiet about that, because I''m not comfortable making a judgment call about that. I have my opinon, based on what you''ve shared with us, but it''s not worth voicing, because I only have a tiny, tiny snapshot from the session, and I don''t know any of you.

Why does this have to be so black and white? Why is it Stay with him or leave him? TAKE A BREAK.

The both of you need to back off of this relationship because it has veered into unhealthy territory. Someone up-thread said that it''s like crashing a car into a ditch: you can''t just drive off, you have to get off the road, and get repairs done.

LaraOnline had an EXCELLENT point, too, a few pages ago: you are NOT obligated to support him emotionally while he gets through this!!!! Ths is not your fault, your problem or your flaw.... This is the dating period, you are not at the level of commitment where this is required of you, so why lock yourself into that dungeon? The dating period is one of evaluation - - you are DECIDING whether he makes a good enough partner for you, it''s not about throwing all your eggs n one basket, it''s about finding the best fit FOR YOU. Not about being the best for HIM. YOU COME FIRST. He has not done enough to deserve you going all-out for him. He simply doesn''t merit that kind of effort. Especially when he behaves like THIS

He needs to develop healthy boundaries, he needs intensive individual talk therapy, he needs a steady income, a place of his own and a plan for his future.

I like the idea of agreeing to completely back off of each other for at least a month, and then meet for lunch or coffee, with TIME LIMITS on these meetings. LucyAndRoger had some EXCELLENT suggestions about how to limit your contact, and respect your own boundaries....give yourself some time to focus on yourSELF and then, meet again in a moth for maybe 45 minutes at a coffee shop and see if this dude still even fits anywhere in your life. You may surprise yourself.

If he spins out of control while your gone, or spirals deeper into a depression, that is his issue to resolve. He has to own this, without you holding his hand....

 

[lucyandroger]

Pretty,

I just wanted to say that I think you''ve handled yourself beautifully in this thread. It''s really difficult to give people a real sense of your relationship over the internet. I just want to applaud you for seeking advice from here and people you know IRL.

Good luck sorting things out and please do update us on how you''re doing! I don''t think anyone feels like they''ve wasted their time!

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 3/25/2009 11:22:12 AM
Author: prettylnpink419



I think that for my own sanity, I need to take a break from all of this for awhile so I probably will not be around for a few days, maybe longer. I really have some thinking to do. I will check back in when I feel ready. Thanks again for everything, I can''t say it enough. You''ve been truly supportive and helpful.

thank you, pip - again, big hugs for you, and i hope that you are able to come to a resolution that is best for you and you are happy, healthy and safe.

 

[Bia]

Pretty, everything we know about you is based on what you've told us. We aren't going on anything else.

It is from your words that we base our advice to you. Afterall, your first posts were asking for our help...and that's what we are trying to give you.

But we also understand that life is not black and white. Just remember that some PSers personally know what you're going through. Those are the individuals whose advice you might want to take to heart.

ETA: Sending you lots of ((hugs)) and best wishes.

 

[its lydia]

Date: 3/25/2009 8:59:52 AM
Author: prettylnpink419
How do I become his friend and not his lover? We have obviously been best friends for most of our relationship and friendship with one another was always extremely important to both of us. But how do you take steps back like that? I ask because I honestly do not know.

You kind of don''t. You just have to do what''s best for you and not worry about how he''s going to take it. At this point, you''re not his fiancee, you''re not his wife, you have NO real ties to him other than that you pay his way and he''s your boyfriend. If there''s a time to get out, now''s your chance.

If he comes around and the two of you can be cordial, then fine. But it usually doesn''t happen like that. With people like this.

 

[Bliss]

PIP, I just wanted to check in and tell you we're all thinking about you and your situation.

I also wanted to encourage you to use your *own* head and heart in this decision. Often, we give so much power to the therapist. We think they know everything. But they are human beings, too. Their opinions and guidance are also colored in their own experiences, desires and fears. If this is someone you trust, she should be your guide. But therapists are also wrong about the danger of their patients - here in New York last year, a therapist was killed by her own patient. I'm sure she never believed her own patient could harm her, but he viciously fatally attacked her and critically wounded another therapist who came to help her. She had experience with violent patients for decades and knew this guy for years. So even therapists can make fatal mistakes. Trust your gut. You're scared and maybe you should be, at least a little. Fear is there for a reason - it's meant to make us protect life.

It is impossible for you or your therapist to say "he is safe and would never hurt anyone" -- especially after he threatened to murder you and run into oncoming traffic, even when he was drunk. Suicidal and homicidal comments are very very serious things. They truly are. The human instinct is to bury them, downplay them and repress them because it's such a horrible, scary and ugly idea that someone you love could hurt you. But they are in black and white - the words on your phone. You need to take them seriously, PIP.

When you described the 3 options your therapist gave you, you used the word "run away and leave him to continue down his downward spiral." I would not call that running away. It is a BRAVE thing to leave a dangerous and abusive situation. I know many of us, including myself, wrote RUN, don't walk from this guy. It was a figure of speech. I really hope it didn't make you feel like you'd be running away from a situation and leaving someone to spiral downward.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is to walk away from that person - it can be the most loving thing you can do for him and for yourself. That's why in AA meetings, co-dependents are encouraged to leave if they have to so that they can stop enabling their partners. I am not in any way saying you are enabling your bf, but he clearly gets away with a lot and then some. He is taking advantage of you and inwardly resenting you for your success. I don't see a win-win outcome here. Not now. Maybe in a few years after he's done the hard work on himself and matured more.

I know and totally believe you when you say your relationship with your bf was wonderful before this. I have heard this *so* many times from abuse victims. Usually the relationship was amazing until something happened - he lost his job, was diagnosed with a serious illness, a family member died or once they get engaged/married. The the monster comes out and you may not see it for a while, but once it is out it is out. And it only gets messier and uglier.

There are VERY VERY few exceptions in which the men change and it's because they're so scared they don't EVER want that to happen again. In those cases I have seen, they do the work - they take a time out and are literally changing their lives immediately woman or no woman. But in almost ALL the other cases, that is not the case. Now that you have seen this rage and the threat and abusive comments... And sorry, but threatening someone they're going to play in traffic when drunk IS a suicidal comment. Rage directed at you and then at himself... It means big big trouble. I'm so sorry to tell you this, because even typing it is scary but you need to be more than a little scared right now. This is serious.

Please try not to think of leaving as "abandoning." It is helping him to move in a positive direction. He can't keep leaning on you in this destructive way. He needs to stand on his OWN two feet before he can have a mutually supportive relationship. Sometimes you, as the stronger and more mature one, have to let him go so that he can learn that. It's kind of like pushing him out of the nest so he can learn to fly. I can tell you really really love him. So I can only imagine how hard this is going to be for you. I hope you have angels all around you during this time when you're in need yourself. I hope you will be surrounded by friends wherever you go. Please lean on them and your family!

 

[Aloros]

I can''t judge the situation, because I really don''t know you or your boyfriend or the nuances and specifics of what happened. I will admit that people do crazy things that are out-of-character sometimes.

Is your boyfriend talking to a therapist? Yeah, he''s going through a tough time, but he''s taking his anger and frustration out on the wrong person. Any way you look at it, that''s a serious character flaw. I think we''ve all snapped at our loved ones in times of stress, but this is extreme. This wasn''t one or two snarky remarks, followed by an apology.

Your therapist thinks that you can be that one person that won''t abandon him. You can hold him to you, tell him you won''t leave him...but you''re the one that''s suffering in the meanwhile.

I''m with Mediterranean, 100%. He''s crossed some huge lines in your relationship. I have a bad temper, my FI has a bad temper - even in our worst fights, even in our most intoxicated moments, neither of us has come close to what your boyfriend has said to you.

It is not normal, and it is not your problem. It should never be your responsibility to make him happy.

 

[tlh]

Pretty... I find it interesting that both you ex and your current SO are dealing/have delt with depression issues. I would certainly expect someone to be down when going through what your current BF is experiencing. I like to keep exes in the past, for the very reason, of... I don't want to know that they are off happy with someone else. It is a weird heartache all on its own. I only highlight this, because perhaps you are a nurturer? Do you seek out friends etc that are in need? Do you feel better knowing that someone else NEEDS you? I ask these questions because sometimes people are drawn to others because of their own needs that are neglected. IE you are suffereing with your own sense of value so you surround yourself with people who are struggling because you get to be their savior, and when THEY NEEEEED YOU you feel better about yourself...?????

I think that the fact that you are seeing a therapist, highlights the fact that you are working through your own personal demons, whatever they may be. I don't think it was a bad thing that you spent time talking about your SO because right now- you are currently conflicted with what to do. Highlighting HIS ISSUES are a good point to bring up when deciding if you are strong enough to carry this burden, as you are conflicted. I cannot say that you are strong enough, or that this would honestly be the best thing for either of you right now.

Now you've been with your BF 2 years - so it of course feels insensitive to throw in the towel during his time of need. But you need to understand, that HE IS DEEPLY depressed, and this is something that won't be fixed immediately when he gets a job. In some cases seeing how WELL everything is going FOR YOU can make this resentment/jealousy WORSE. If you are going to stick this out - you need to consider, he'll most likely be down for at LEAST another YEAR. In a previous post you had said he isn't even excited and is doubting the nuclear medicine program (HAS HE EVEN BEEN ACCEPTED INTO THIS PROGRAM? I ask because I know many schools have 1.5-3 year long waiting lists.). If he is doubting his career path and continues to flail - it just adds the time that you are with a partner who is in misery... and this is not a partnership at all.

There is a lot you need to think about - and I am not going to say to just dump him. That may not be the answer for you. I think the problem you are having is not just the threat, but the fact that after all that you feel you have done for him... and honestly just being there FOR HIM when things have been tough for MONTHS now - it is hard to read comments that devalue you. In previous posts you had eluded to the fact that he has been unhappy for A LONG TIME. He didn't like his previous job - and was laid off.. and that started the spiral... but you've been with an unhappy partner for quite some time. Is this really the foundation you want to build with someone... are you strong enough to carry someone through what may or may not be their darkest hours, when you are already clinging onto your own flashlight? What that means, is that you're going to have to put the flashlight down, and struggle to find your way out of the dark together.. because you will be in the darkness with him... and who knows if you will ever find your way back into the light TOGETHER. Sometimes it works... it just depends on how dark things are for each of you... and what demons are with you in the dark.

The alcohol was a catalyst... but I think things may get a lot worse... before they ever start to get better. It is interesting that you bring up the ex getting married to his FI of only 9 months. Do you think that this should be you? or wonder why it isn't you since you and your SO have been together longer than your ex and his FI? Are you thinking about getting married to your SO? This incident makes me think that marriage - is about 2-3 years away. I wouldn't think about it any sooner than that... I only bring this up, because if this is important to you.. it may not happen for awhile... AND, what would 30 yr old you say to 27 year old you if you two DONT end up married? Will you regret this decision? Will you say I wasted 5 years when it could have only been a rocky 2? Also, I don't think that 3 months things are going to magically get better... I think he's going to be depressed for awhile.. as you said, the medication isn't even helping right now... and talking to his gen prac is not the same thing as regular therapy... you would know. You have been seeing your therapist for quite some time.

It sounds like you're playing the part of the hero, saviour, and lifeline, Of mother and counselor and friend. You've even said that you don't feel that you've been the role of partner or lover as of late. I may be inferring here... and if I am wrong - I apologise. You know the answer already. You are leaning one way right now - and it is not leaving him. Your heart keeps pulling you in the direction of staying because you'd hate to abandon him during his hour of need, when he propped you up during yours... whatever that was and possibly still is. But you are his FRIEND!!!!!! in your eyes... nOT HIS LOVER. So help him through this as a friend... but break up with him as a lover. If you get through it fine... but your RELATIONSHIP as BF GF IS OVER right now. So why does it need the label... just be his friend... see where it goes...

"Date: 3/25/2009 8:59:52 AM
Author: prettylnpink419
How do I become his friend and not his lover? We have obviously been best friends for most of our relationship and friendship with one another was always extremely important to both of us. But how do you take steps back like that? I ask because I honestly do not know. "

I know you are taking a break right now... and I hope this all works out for you. I wish you the best! This is not an easy road at all , and I am not trying to simplify things.

 

[SparklyLibra]

Date: 3/23/2009 2:09:40 PM
Author: sammyj
prettyinpink, this is very concerning. Your two posts, typed 5 minute apart, depict two completely different men. It honestly sounds like he needs help. Perhaps he''s depressed like you suggested; but anyone who escalates from 0 to 1000 with a few pints in his system needs to seek help.

I couldn''t agree more. He sounds like he''s been able to keep a lid on it for some time, but under pressure was no longer able to contain what was already there. Do you really want to yoke yourself with someone who snaps this way under pressure???

I would run... Far, far away. It''s only a matter of time before he snaps again.....


Just a thought.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 3/25/2009 10:46:19 AM
Author: Winks_Elf
I see so many conflicts in your posts on this page alone PIP. First, how is he going back to school when he has no money? Kinda hard to pay for education with no job. Second, and please do not take this as an insult because it is not, you need to be okay with your own issues before you can take on his. In other words, you are still dealing with your own issues (good for you that you know what they are! Some people go for their entire life without getting help), so being involved with someone who is resenting the progress in your life really is not a good idea. It''s called co-dependency. Believe me I understand how hard it is to say goodbye to someone you love, but is not good for you. I''ve had to do it a few times in my life.


You are still young (I''m biologically old enough to be your mother!), and haven''t had enough time to go through the amount of crap I have. At this stage of my life I know when someone is going to cause me more harm than good, and have developed enough backbone to say enough when things need to end. It never gets any easier, but you do become more sure of your decisions as you get older. I''d just hate to see you some day realize that you wasted the best years of your youth with the wrong man.


You''ve gotten some really good advice from some very smart ladies, but only you can decide what is good and right for you. I wish you the best of luck.

I had to comment on this. First off. There are ways to get into school if you don''t have money. I did it and my fi did it. We both got scholarships and grants and loans. We got jobs during school to help pay them back. One does not have to be well off to go to school.
Second. Being older than the OP does not mean you have more experience than her. She is obviously having a tough time and talking down to her (or at least that is how I took this) is not the way to get through to her or to voice your opinion. If I was her and read this, I would just think "Who does she think she is to tell me she knows more than I do and that my relationship is bad and I''m wasting the best years of my life". I''m not saying she is in a good situation or should stay or that she should leave. I''m simply saying this post came off pretty condescending and is something you should consider in the future when giving advice.

Ok threadjack over

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 3/25/2009 1:13:19 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles


I had to comment on this. First off. There are ways to get into school if you don''t have money. I did it and my fi did it. We both got scholarships and grants and loans. We got jobs during school to help pay them back. One does not have to be well off to go to school.
Second. Being older than the OP does not mean you have more experience than her. She is obviously having a tough time and talking down to her (or at least that is how I took this) is not the way to get through to her or to voice your opinion. If I was her and read this, I would just think ''Who does she think she is to tell me she knows more than I do and that my relationship is bad and I''m wasting the best years of my life''. I''m not saying she is in a good situation or should stay or that she should leave. I''m simply saying this post came off pretty condescending and is something you should consider in the future when giving advice.

Ok threadjack over

I don''t think she needs to consider anything Smurfy. She didn''t come across as condescending at all. She gave good, solid advice from her heart and her experience. I know that some people get offended when others try to chime in with "you''re young" but the fact of the matter is that she is young and the advice she needs is from people who have been there, done that to guide her and let her know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 3/25/2009 12:24:35 PM
Author: tlh
Pretty... I find it interesting that both you ex and your current SO are dealing/have delt with depression issues. I would certainly expect someone to be down when going through what your current BF is experiencing. I like to keep exes in the past, for the very reason, of... I don''t want to know that they are off happy with someone else. It is a weird heartache all on its own. I only highlight this, because perhaps you are a nurturer? Do you seek out friends etc that are in need? Do you feel better knowing that someone else NEEDS you? I ask these questions because sometimes people are drawn to others because of their own needs that are neglected. IE you are suffereing with your own sense of value so you surround yourself with people who are struggling because you get to be their savior, and when THEY NEEEEED YOU you feel better about yourself...?????

I think this is something well worth considering. It was definitely a path that I followed for a long time. Two things helped me realise it:

1) A therapist getting me to go through every boyfriend I had ever had and look at their characters and personality traits and look for the common thread.

I discovered that every single one of them had depended on me to run their lives for them (not that they thanked me for it).

2) Being given a copy of ''Women Who Love Too Much'' by a worried friend and recognising myself and my life choices.

I''m now married to a man who doesn''t need me at all - both our lives are made better by being together and we turn to each other for support when we are in stressful situations, but I don''t have to ''rescue'' him as he can stand on his own two feet. We''ve been through major illness, unemployment, redundancy threats, moving house and we''re currently in the middle of a courtcase and a not easy pregnancy - not once through all that have we had a single fight or argument.

You may not be someone who feels happiest in a Florence Nightingale role, but in case you do, I really recommend having a read of that book.

I won''t judge you at all if you go back - it would be very hypocritical of me for a start - but I think you know inside what the real answer is. There is always a little voice that tells you what you should really do.

A lot of people say that relationships take work - sometimes the really vital thing is to know which relationships deserve any work. If you''re not married, and you don''t have kids in the mix you are completely free to walk away guilt free. Dating is the official name for an extended job interview for the position of ''Husband''.

 

[HollyS]

PIP, fire your therapist. Ditch the BF. Start over.

Aside from his threat to kill you; why would you want someone who needs this much effort to make him a whole person? IT''S HIS JOB TO GET HIS ACT TOGETHER AND HAVE A DECENT LIFE. IT''S HIS JOB TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HE NEEDS TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT HIMSELF. It isn''t your job to prop him up.

Because you love him is not a good enough reason to keep him in your life. And it won''t be a good enough reason for him to work on himself. People who lash out see themselves as victims; it will always be your fault. I promise you I''m right.

 

[kama_s]

Date: 3/25/2009 1:13:19 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles


I had to comment on this. First off. There are ways to get into school if you don''t have money. I did it and my fi did it. We both got scholarships and grants and loans. We got jobs during school to help pay them back. One does not have to be well off to go to school.
Second. Being older than the OP does not mean you have more experience than her. She is obviously having a tough time and talking down to her (or at least that is how I took this) is not the way to get through to her or to voice your opinion. If I was her and read this, I would just think ''Who does she think she is to tell me she knows more than I do and that my relationship is bad and I''m wasting the best years of my life''. I''m not saying she is in a good situation or should stay or that she should leave. I''m simply saying this post came off pretty condescending and is something you should consider in the future when giving advice.

Ok threadjack over

Smurfy, you really can''t make every post to be about you. Everytime someone comments on age you get antsy. It''s wonderful you went to school sans money (as did I), but the truth of the matter is that it is indeed quite difficult.

Also, I didn''t find Winks_Elf''s post to be condescending or ''talking down'' at all. She gave genuine advice, and she''s obviously speaking from experience. She has PIP''s best interests in heart - and doesn''t want her to go through the same things she had to deal with in the past. Experience MUST count for something, age notwithstanding.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

i don't try to make every about me at all and that's not what i intended here. that's just the way it came across to me *shrugs* sometimes when someone says something that bothers someone else, those other people speak up and nobody bothers them about it. well it bothered me and i'm saying so, what's wrong with that. this is the last post i have on the matter

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Date: 3/25/2009 1:41:30 PM
Author: HollyS
PIP, fire your therapist. Ditch the BF. Start over.

Aside from his threat to kill you; why would you want someone who needs this much effort to make him a whole person? IT''S HIS JOB TO GET HIS ACT TOGETHER AND HAVE A DECENT LIFE. IT''S HIS JOB TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HE NEEDS TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT HIMSELF. It isn''t your job to prop him up.

Because you love him is not a good enough reason to keep him in your life. And it won''t be a good enough reason for him to work on himself. People who lash out see themselves as victims; it will always be your fault. I promise you I''m right.

I couldn''t have said it better myself, Holly. Ditto!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 3/25/2009 1:41:30 PM
Author: HollyS
PIP, fire your therapist. Ditch the BF. Start over.


Aside from his threat to kill you; why would you want someone who needs this much effort to make him a whole person? IT'S HIS JOB TO GET HIS ACT TOGETHER AND HAVE A DECENT LIFE. IT'S HIS JOB TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HE NEEDS TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT HIMSELF. It isn't your job to prop him up.


Because you love him is not a good enough reason to keep him in your life. And it won't be a good enough reason for him to work on himself. People who lash out see themselves as victims; it will always be your fault. I promise you I'm right.

Agreed. You can't prop him up; he needs to learn to do it himself. And he may not be able to do it while staying in a relationship with you.

My first boyfriend was depressed and I spent over 5 years of my life (late teens, early 20's) trying to help him through it because he refused to talk to a professional therapist and only wanted my help. It was a manipulation tactic that worked for ages because it felt good to be the one he 'needed,' even though his depression meant he treated me horribly and that I have more hurtful memories than pleasant ones of our time together.

The point is that I was holding him back from getting real help because his relationship with me was unhealthy, and eventually I told him I loved him but that it wasn't enough. Leaving him was devastating--and I quit cold turkey, severing contact--but it was the best thing by FAR in the long run. A few years after we broke up, he found me and thanked me for leaving him, because it made him stand up on his own two feet and got help like he should've done years before.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 3/25/2009 1:21:15 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 3/25/2009 1:13:19 PM
I don''t think she needs to consider anything Smurfy. She didn''t come across as condescending at all. She gave good, solid advice from her heart and her experience. I know that some people get offended when others try to chime in with ''you''re young'' but the fact of the matter is that she is young and the advice she needs is from people who have been there, done that to guide her and let her know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

There''s no need to mention age when giving advice though...am i right or am i right? I know people that could give advice in relation to this situation who are the same age as I am or even younger. I know I said the last post was my last post but I felt I needed to respond to this as well.

 

[decodelighted]

I haven''t caught up on everything yet but I had to add this. Therapists can be good on SOME subjects, or for a period of time in your life -- but NOT be adept at OTHER issues, or other situations.

I worked with a *wonderful* therapist for five years. She helped me sort through TRUCKLOADS of childhood/family issues. I trusted her completely. HOWEVER - in the fifth year she tried to keep me in what I knew to be an unhealthy relationship. She took his side even though they''d never met. We parted ways because I was strong enough at that point to know that *I* was my best advocate.

A few years later, I was going through a difficult time and consulted another therapist. All along the dude from Therapist #1 was still STALKING ME. Therapist #2 was able to help me clearly define what was wrong with CRAZY DUDE and help me finally be free from any doubts about my own instincts. After working with her (for only a short time mind you) I met my DH & life''s been grand. CRAZY DUDE finally gave up. There was peace in the land.

My point is ... just because a therapist has been right about SOME things & helped you *previously* -- does NOT make them infallible. I''m very concerned about her advice.

 

[decodelighted]

Smurfy, there's plenty of reason to mention age. Just because *you* don't like it, doesn't mean it isn't a valid piece of information. It pretty redundant to go around telling everyone that if they mention being older that they're being condescending (IYHO). WE ALL GET THAT YOU THINK THAT. However most don't agree with you.

 

[misskitty]

Date: 3/25/2009 11:53:28 AM
Author: Bliss
When you described the 3 options your therapist gave you, you used the word ''run away and leave him to continue down his downward spiral.''

PIP, this part was concerning to me, too. I know your therapist has been there for you and helped you through a lot, but it worries me that she thinks/you think that taking a break or ending things with your SO equals leaving him to continue on a downward spiral.

It''s a very difficult thing to walk away from someone, especially in a situation like this, but as others have mentioned, you are not the one responsible for his mental/emotional stability, and it is not abandonment if you choose to take a break or end the relationship. I think that it''s unfair to you to carry that weight, regardless of how much you love him.

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you can find your way to the decision that''s best for you (whatever that may be).

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 3/25/2009 2:28:44 PM
Author: decodelighted
Smurfy, there''s plenty of reason to mention age. Just because *you* don''t like it, doesn''t mean it isn''t a valid piece of information. It pretty redundant to go around telling everyone that if they mention being older that they''re being condescending (IYHO). WE ALL GET THAT YOU THINK THAT. However most don''t agree with you.

Exactly.

If you want to go through life pretending that you are just as smart and wise today as you will be ten years from now, fine. De Nile is more than a river in Egypt

There isn''t a woman on here in her 30''s who won''t admit she''s wiser now than she was in her 20''s, 40''s to 30''s, etc. If you don''t get wiser with more years of life experience then you''re just doing something wrong !!!

No one is saying you''re a dummy if you''re 19 or 21, just that you don''t have the same breadth of experience that you will with some years. The fact that you''re so overly sensitive about the whole age issue is PROOF that you lack the maturity that will come with some age

 

[tlh]

Date: 3/25/2009 3:38:50 PM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 3/25/2009 2:28:44 PM
Author: decodelighted
Smurfy, there''s plenty of reason to mention age. Just because *you* don''t like it, doesn''t mean it isn''t a valid piece of information. It pretty redundant to go around telling everyone that if they mention being older that they''re being condescending (IYHO). WE ALL GET THAT YOU THINK THAT. However most don''t agree with you.

Exactly.

If you want to go through life pretending that you are just as smart and wise today as you will be ten years from now, fine. De Nile is more than a river in Egypt

There isn''t a woman on here in her 30''s who won''t admit she''s wiser now than she was in her 20''s, 40''s to 30''s, etc. If you don''t get wiser with more years of life experience then you''re just doing something wrong !!!

No one is saying you''re a dummy if you''re 19 or 21, just that you don''t have the same breadth of experience that you will with some years. The fact that you''re so overly sensitive about the whole age issue is PROOF that you lack the maturity that will come with some age

I agree with what you say. I am a much different person than I was when i was 10 years ago... but more of the same since my mid-20''s... I''ve grown, and matured sure... but not as drastic a difference from the teen years! HA!

Just to play a little devil''s advocate... age is subjective to one''s own life experiences. Someone who had a hard life and moved out at 16 - would have a lot more life experience and perhaps a very DIFFERENT outlook at 21 than someone who lived w/ mum and dad until 18..went off to university that the folks paid for... didn''t have to work... and the folks paid for college... it all has to do with when the bird left the nest, and spread those wings to fly.

I know a girl who has been sheltered her entire life and even though she''s 29 years old (she lived at home w/ her folks until she was 27-28 and could only away to college for less than a semester)... she acts like girls who are only 19, just leaving for school, she has not really matured at all, and often throws her age into an argument even though she acts MUCH MUCH YOUNGER... so age can be a state of mind- subject to life experience. (I of course am judging her state of mind based off of the maturity of the girls I knew who took risks, and grew.) Sheltering actually prevented her from heartache and hardship sure... but because she doesn''t know those experiences... she''s never grown or matured... I am not sure if that makes sense.

Just a different side. Sorry to threadjack.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 3/25/2009 2:28:44 PM
Author: decodelighted
Smurfy, there''s plenty of reason to mention age. Just because *you* don''t like it, doesn''t mean it isn''t a valid piece of information. It pretty redundant to go around telling everyone that if they mention being older that they''re being condescending (IYHO). WE ALL GET THAT YOU THINK THAT. However most don''t agree with you.

This.

It''s like with anything else in life. You want people that have experience and Wink is right in that the older you get (And Wink you are not old! So don''t throw your pumps at me!

) the clearer things become.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Date: 3/25/2009 11:22:12 AM
Author: prettylnpink419

I almost feel like unless I choose to run away and leave him, all of you are going to feel like you''ve wasted your time giving me your opinions and thoughts and you''ll think I''m a fool or crazy for not leaving. If you do I''m fine with that, but I hope you don''t feel like you''ve wasted your time.

Not me! I just hope that YOU don''t someday feel like you''ve wasted years of your life with the wrong man. I know, I''ve been there done that. I ignored all the warning signs, didn''t trust my gut instincts. I can''t get back the years I spent with him, nor can I change history. At least I learned to trust my instincts, and have finally found someone with similar values in the important areas of life.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Date: 3/25/2009 2:14:35 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles

Date: 3/25/2009 1:21:15 PM

Author: fieryred33143

Date: 3/25/2009 1:13:19 PM

I don''t think she needs to consider anything Smurfy. She didn''t come across as condescending at all. She gave good, solid advice from her heart and her experience. I know that some people get offended when others try to chime in with ''you''re young'' but the fact of the matter is that she is young and the advice she needs is from people who have been there, done that to guide her and let her know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

There''s no need to mention age when giving advice though...am i right or am i right? I know people that could give advice in relation to this situation who are the same age as I am or even younger. I know I said the last post was my last post but I felt I needed to respond to this as well.

Lol...Let me know if you still feel that way in 20 years.

 

[choro72]

PiP, I wish the best for you, whatever you decide.

 

[KimberlyH]

PIP, it is your decision, and you will need support either way, I''m glad you feel your therapist will be there for you. I understand why she didn''t tell you what to do, my guess is her philospohy regarding her work is that it is her responsibility is to help you make good decisions on your own rather than telling you what to do. The words you choose when listing your options were quite slanted towards staying being the right thing to do, I''m not sure if you put a spin on it, but if you didn''t then they were definitely leading words she selected.

The reality is we''re a bunch of random people on the internet, and while you may find our musings on the situation thought provoking, they aren''t nearly as meaningful as they would be if they came from someone close to you.

What he said, what he threatened, and the life that you have described him to lead are not that of a man who is ready to be in a commited relationship headed towards marriage, in my (and many other posters'') opinion. But you''re the one who has to live with the decisions you make. Neither choice will be easy. My wish for you, as it is for everyone, is that they live a contented life. I hope you find that either way, but based on what you''ve shared the person he is today doesn''t fit into that picture. I won''t think less of you if you stay, I''ll just feel sad for you, because you don''t think you deserve better than a man who treated you the way he did (isolated incident or not) and doesn''t have the warewithal to live a constructive, healthy life.

 

[Mediterranean]

Smurfysmiles, you have not yet made the point that I am still waiting for you to make!!!!!


That I keep hoping you''ll make.....


PIP419, on this thread posters have stressed the importance of leaving, of how it would be of value to you if relationship ended, etc.

Smurfy actually had to end her relationship, and she is so perfectly qualified to tell you what kind of happiness is waiting for you when you finally take the leap!!!

Her former relationship wasn''t abusive, but according to her posts it certainly wasn''t good enough to hang around in limbo for...

And she took the big leap of faith

I''ll let Smurfy tell you about the rewards of being courageous herself, but I just wanted you to see the other side of the LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE coin...that there IS happiness and love beyond this, and Smurfy, come BACK, dude, because you can give PIP419 some hope about what''s coming around the next corner!!!