Drunk words...Sober Thoughts?

[LaraOnline]

Date: 3/25/2009 12:49:44 AM
Author: prettylnpink419
Ladies-

As I previously said, I know that for so many of you this is so black and white

Actually, I think you might be mistaken here. I''m not sure how many ''experienced'' or older women would say it''s black and white. Life never is. However, there are choices, and there are consequences, and there are longer term ramifications from decisions that are made.

Many, if not most of us, have fallen for someone who for a variety of reasons might be struggling, difficult or resentful. If we go on to marry them, or consolidate our connection through having children, well then their problems become our problems, in a very real way.

I don''t know anything about you. But, from your posts, I get the impression you are still quite young, not formally connected to this man, and basically on the up work and study wise.

What is in it for you, to be with a man who, in the words of your therapist, ''resents'' you?
Do you feel you have to prove yourself as a good person, by hanging around a guy who pushes you away?

According to our social customs, and generally accepted behavioural protocol, your loyalty MUST lie with yourself. This is the benefit, if there is one, of the dating process. You need to take responsibility for your own actions, not be your brother''s keeper.

You are not this guy''s therapist. He can get his own therapist.

Does me saying this mean I see things ''in black and white''? I don''t think so. I have had life experiences with mixed up people, and I say that looking back there was NOTHING in it for me, except perhaps the feeling of moral worth that I got through ''sticking by'' someone ''through thick and thin''.

Overall, objectively, these people took quite a bit out of me, and out of my life. Just giving you some background so you can see why some women, particularly older women, might be more interested in YOU and YOUR wellbeing, above other considerations.

 

[havernell]

Date: 3/25/2009 12:49:44 AM
Author: prettylnpink419
I know he is in a dark place right now and part of me feels like how can I leave him there and abandon him...isn't a relationship about thick and thin and good times and bad?

Thanks for the update PIP! Many of us here have been wondering how you are doing! I'm glad both you and your boyfriend are seeking the help of doctors and therapists- keep it up!

I do just want to respond to this one part of your post. While it's true that relationships are about going through both good and bad times, in a healthy relationship the good times should FAR outweigh the bad times. From all you've told us about your relationship, it sounds like for a while now, the bad times have outweighed the good (even before the night he texted you). You said in a previous post that you said to him "Everytime you look at me its like you are angry or upset but won't tell me why." This makes me think that things haven't been right with your relationship recently if every time you look at him you get anger rather than love from him. It sounds like you are always super stressed out by your relationship, and that's not good for anyone. Honestly ask yourself if the good times have outweighed the bad in your relationship recently...

I think your boyfriend needs time to figure his life out before he can really be a committed partner to you. He needs to feel fulfilled in a job and making his own money (rather than feeling like you are supporting him), he needs to live in a place of his own (not his parents or his cousin's), and he needs to cope with his depression. Once he's gotten himself figured out, then perhaps you two can have a mature, EQUAL relationship. But until that happens, the relationship won't work because *you can't save him from himself*, and he'll just resent you for trying. You are just going to drag yourself down if you keep trying to save him because **he needs to decide to save himself**, otherwise he'll never get better (just like smokers can be forced to quit, they have to decide themselves to quit). Sometimes tough love is necessary, and letting him go for a while to fix himself may just turn out to be the best thing you ever do for him. That's NOT abandoning him- that's doing the healthy thing for both him and yourself.

You can be in love with the right person at the wrong time. Sounds like this is definitely the wrong time for you guys because of the personal turmoil that your boyfriend is in. I would break things off with him and give him the space to find himself and to get back on his feel by himself (in order to rebuild his ego). Once he is a healthy and happy person again, then you could begin dating again. If you two are really meant to be, you will get back together when he is ready to be an equal partner to you.

I'm sorry you are going through all of this, but you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Keep us posted on what's going on so that we can continue to support you through this rough time.

 

[prettylnpink419]

Lara--

Thank you for your post. In response to a few of your questions. I am 26 and my SO is 27. I am completely aware of the added responsibility when a couple chooses to marry. I am completely aware that their problems become "our" problems.

While he may resent me now, it would be because he wants more for his life and isn''t at that place yet. Once he starts school this summer and starts working towards his new degree, I''d like to think that resentment would go away. At least in an ideal world but I do not know that answer right now. I don''t feel like I have to prove anything to anyone, especially him. It is more a matter of doing nothing for someone I care about that is seriously struggling. The thought of abandoning him in his time of need makes me uneasy. I honestly think if the situation was reserved, he''d fight for me. That makes it difficult. How do you abandon someone you love that needs you? I am not his therapist and I do not want to be his therapist however I''ve loved this man for over two years now...which makes it incredibly hard to step back and let him suffer through this mess alone. I know it is not my responsibility and that I have zero obligation and after what he did I shouldn''t care, but I do still care. At this point his behavior has been a 1 time thing...could it happen again...sure. I do feel like aside from last week, the good has by far out weighed the bad. He has brought so much to my life. He''s been completely supportive and encouraging. He''s been there for me emotionally in ways no one ever has so I can''t say out relationship has provided me with nothing. Even if I completely ended it right now, I can still say that I honestly have no regrets and I do not believe I would have wasted my time. He''s brought so much to my life and every second of every day of our relationship has been worth it and I''ve learned from it. He would be hard to leave him behind, and I honestly feel like I''d regret it or resent myself for abandoning him. This is the inner struggle I am having with myself right now.

I know that everyone that has posted has posted out of concern for me and my well being and that everyone is trying to be supportive and helpful. I can''t say enough how appreciative I am. I''m just so completely lost right now.

In an ideal world, I''d give him a second chance, and we''d never get to a point where he''d ask for a third. He''d get his act together, go back to school, get his degree and we''d live happily ever after and our love would be that much stronger because we helped each other through tough times like this one and didn''t give up on what we have.

But I am a realist and I know this is not an ideal world and I have some very real decisions to make.

 

[its lydia]

Date: 3/23/2009 2:01:21 PM
Author: prettylnpink419
My sister said he freaks her out b/c he is almost too nice.

He is out of work and has been living off of unemployment for a few months now. He has decided he wants to go back to school for nuclear medicine but can't start classes until May and he isn't really doing much in the way of looking for work.

He is extremely depressed and basically in a rut.

I am new to pricescope and I am trying not to pop into many threads as people don't know who I am, but I HAD TO SAY SOMETHING HERE. The above quoted text is the part I want you to read over. I know that you typed it, but READ it.

When you said that he is almost too nice, RED FLAG!!! Most emotionally/physically abusive men ONLY show that side to the person they are abusing. And most times after the abuse family member are left saying "Gosh, I just never would have suspected that." I am NOT trying to tell you that this is what's going on, but PLEASE consider it! This may have been the first time this has happened, but it might not be the last!

He is out of work. He is living off of you! And he knows that! And you're making it easy for him to do so! I know that is hard to hear, but I was in a similar situation to yours when I was 20, and what I'm telling you, was told to me. I didn't listen, but MAN do I wish I had!

He's depressed as well? It sounds like he is dependent on you. NOT a good thing! If you leave him, he will most likely make suicide threats. This is typical behavior from this type of person. Usually it is just a bluff to make you reconsider. But honestly honey, it's a guilt trip. It is meant to make you come back. And you cannot live your life unhappy with someone just so they can be happy. And from what I'm reading, he's NOT even happy. If you do leave him, know that you are NOT at fault for the way he reacts, you are not the one to blame for his depression over losing you, and honestly, there is nothing you can do about short of going back to him and hoping he's changed.

I may be WAY off base, so if I am, please disregard this. It's just that this REALLY strikes a nerve with me. After 3 years of emotional abuse (long gone now), you just kind of unconsciously take it upon yourself to make sure it never happens to ANYONE else.

On another note, yes, I find that people say what they really mean when they are drunk. I don't think you're a bad person for forgiving him. First time offenses are always forgivable (for most things). However, if it happens again AT ALL. Please consider what I've said.

I know it is exceptionally hard to hear things like this. Even though I don't know you, I feel for you, I know EXACTLY what you are going through. It is definitely not a black and white situation. You have to do what's right for you. But in situations like these, ignore your heart, listen to your gut feelings. Your instinct. Only you know what is really going on. He may be completely different when he is sober. How long do you think he can really hold himself together?

Also, I am so sorry if I am rehashing or repeating something someone else has said, I felt so strongly about posting here that I did not read all 5 pages of this thread. <---- GUILTY!

Big hugs for you.

 

[Mediterranean]

Date: 3/25/2009 1:32:22 AM
Author: havernell

Date: 3/25/2009 12:49:44 AM

Author: prettylnpink419

I know he is in a dark place right now and part of me feels like how can I leave him there and abandon him...isn''t a relationship about thick and thin and good times and bad?

Thanks for the update PIP! Many of us here have been wondering how you are doing! I''m glad both you and your boyfriend are seeking the help of doctors and therapists- keep it up!


I do just want to respond to this one part of your post. While it''s true that relationships are about going through both good and bad times, in a healthy relationship the good times should FAR outweigh the bad times. From all you''ve told us about your relationship, it sounds like for a while now, the bad times have outweighed the good (even before the night he texted you). You said in a previous post that you said to him ''Everytime you look at me its like you are angry or upset but won''t tell me why.'' This makes me think that things haven''t been right with your relationship recently if every time you look at him you get anger rather than love from him. It sounds like you are always super stressed out by your relationship, and that''s not good for anyone. Honestly ask yourself if the good times have outweighed the bad in your relationship recently...


I think your boyfriend needs time to figure his life out before he can really be a committed partner to you. He needs to feel fulfilled in a job and making his own money (rather than feeling like you are supporting him), he needs to live in a place of his own (not his parents or his cousin''s), and he needs to cope with his depression. Once he''s gotten himself figured out, then perhaps you two can have a mature, EQUAL relationship. But until that happens, the relationship won''t work because *you can''t save him from himself*, and he''ll just resent you for trying. You are just going to drag yourself down if you keep trying to save him because **he needs to decide to save himself**, otherwise he''ll never get better (just like smokers can be forced to quit, they have to decide themselves to quit). Sometimes tough love is necessary, and letting him go for a while to fix himself may just turn out to be the best thing you ever do for him. That''s NOT abandoning him- that''s doing the healthy thing for both him and yourself.


You can be in love with the right person at the wrong time. Sounds like this is definitely the wrong time for you guys because of the personal turmoil that your boyfriend is in. I would break things off with him and give him the space to find himself and to get back on his feel by himself (in order to rebuild his ego). Once he is a healthy and happy person again, then you could begin dating again. If you two are really meant to be, you will get back together when he is ready to be an equal partner to you.


I''m sorry you are going through all of this, but you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Keep us posted on what''s going on so that we can continue to support you through this rough time.

I agree with ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING Havernell said.... Also, the "through thick and thin" stuff only works if BOTH partners are doing that. He''s not exactly sticking with you through "thick and thin" if he''s resenting you for doing well. He''s allowing his ego issues to tear the relationship apart at the seams! He''s OK with you lying to your employers to scam benefits for him, and that can''t make him feel good about himself... If he''s to become healthy as a human being, he''s got to have the lifeline cut. No cash infusion from you, no groceries, and no insurance. It may seem cold at first, but when it jolts him into doing things for himself, his sense of accomplishment, and the pride he feels in himself for doing things on his own merit will boost his self confidence, and that, I think, is the key to eradicating this war of vengeance upon you that his faltering ego is waging!

 

[Sharon101]

Date: 3/25/2009 12:49:44 AM
Author: prettylnpink419
Ladies-

I am here. I''m sorry I have not replied or posted sooner. I''m really just reading and digesting everything all of you have said. I cannot thank each and every one of you enough for your encouraging posts, kind words, and support. Obviously some of it is difficult to read, but the situation I am faced with is difficult in and of itself.

Please do not confuse my posts with me defending him, I am in no way, shape, or form defending him for how he behaved, there is no way to defend him. I''ve shared with all of you that this is not who he is in real life, this is completely different and the only time he has ever behaved in this way. I''ve shared that he was on medication to get thoughts on how antidepressants can react when drinking that much alcohol. Anything I''ve shared with all of you is just to add some perspective to the situation.

Trust me, I have not taken anything that any of you have said lightly. It is pretty much all I think about. I honestly can not say that I''ve made my mind up about what I''m going to do. For some of you it seems to be so black and white but for me it just isn''t. I can''t seem to get past the fact that his actions do not reflect who he really is. In my heart of hearts, I do not believe he would ever do anything to hurt me. In my heart of hearts I do not believe he meant most of what he said. I do believe he was angry and upset with me. I do believe the alcohol and meds interacted which added to his behavior. I do NOT believe how he behaved is excusable. I do not believe that if I was to give him a second chance that we could act like it never happened, because in reality...it did, and I can''t forget it. I''m not sure I''m ready to forgive it either...so where does that leave us? I''m not really sure right now.

All of your thoughts and posts have been extremely helpful for me. I needed to read them and see other people''s perspectives. Trust me when I say I cannot thank all of you enough and your words have not fallen on deaf ears. Ultimately this is a decision I need to make and it needs to be one I can live with. I''m just not sure what that decision is at this point.

I did meet with my therapist tonight. She has seen my boyfriend on multiple occasions. She knows him pretty well. Her reaction was that he is completely self-destructing. She said she had a pretty good idea of where my story was going after I told her he had helped me move all weekend. He moved in December and my mom and I have a family tradition where a Saturday in December we bake Christmas cookies ALL day long...it is a nightmare the day that we do it and we are miserable by the end because our feet hurt...plus it makes us not want to eat a cookie all season...but we look forward to it every year. He planned his move the same day we had planned to bake cookies...and because of our schedules we could not move our cookie day. So needless to say I was not able to help but he had his friend to help, plus he only had a bedroom so not that much. He did not tell me he was upset that I did not help, he acted like he was fine but then it came out a few weeks later that he was very upset with me for not helping. We worked through that argument and things were fine. However, my therapist said that while he was helping me move, he was probably reminded about how I wasn''t there to help him move. He was looking around at everything I have and comparing it to what he has, which is not much. Since he was already feeling down and depressed, every core issue he has was activated by his feelings of inadequacy and the feeling that I rejected him and wasn''t there for him. He was sent into a downward spiral of emotions and every defense mechanism he has was in turn activated, anger, blame, guilt, shame, and ultimately addiction (the drinking). So that is how he dealt with it. She said say that with the meds he was on and the amount he had to drink can easily, easily explain away the things he said. The reaction he had is EXTREMELY common among individuals that take antidepressants and binge drink. She also said that most likely he resents me because I''m working full-time (in a job I enjoy) and I''m in school full-time and will be getting my degree in December, plus I have my own place, and I''m very independent...all of the things he is not at this moment. He is out of work, switching careers, renting a room from his cousin, just moved out of his parents house in December, and living off of unemployment. She said he obviously loves me but he probably hates me a little too because he is jealous of what I have and where my life is headed. She said essentially that he is testing me. He is pushing me away to see if I leave meaning then that I don''t really love him like I say I do or if I''ll stay and fight for him and our relationship - which is what he wants me to do. She said honestly that we are very lucky he didn''t become suicidal. That in similar reactions with anti-depressants and alcohol, suicide is a common result. She is very worried about him. But as MY therapist she has my best interest at heart so she said I basically have two options...well technically 3...I can run away and leave him to continue down his downward spiral...We can take a break and not see each other for a month or so (which he will most likely view as rejection which will continue to activate his core issues.), or I can fight for him and push back and tell him that I love him and no matter how hard he tries to push me away I won''t leave him alone and I will help him through this and we''ll get through it together...as long as we both work at it...which means not drinking, staying on the antidepressants and him seeing a therapist. She said that if I choose to fight for him, I need to do a better job of giving his emotions value and not getting so defensive. She said she''s seen me devalue his emotions in her office before. He''s tried to tell me how he feels and I immediately react by getting defensive which then shows him his emotions are not important. So she said I''d need to focus of giving him value and acknowledging how he feels. That I need to avoid getting defensive and justifying in arguments. She said I''d need to constantly remind him that however hard he pushes me away, I''ll push that much further back because for once in his life he was not going to be abandoned.

Honestly, after speaking with her, I am really really torn. I love him. I know he is hurting. I know he is in a dark place right now and part of me feels like how can I leave him there and abandon him...isn''t a relationship about thick and thin and good times and bad? Part of me feels like he needs me, and he needs to know he''s not alone. The other part of me is extremely hurt. I''m not scared of him because he would never hurt a fly...I know he''s just hurting inside. But I am extremely hurt. I worry that I won''t be able to get past that. Like one of you said, if I agreed to give him a second chance I would have to forgive him and never hold it above his head or throw it in his face again. I''m not sure I''m there yet. At this point I am taking it one day at a time. My therapist did say that no matter what I chose to do, it was going to be a very bumpy road. And if I choose to fight for him then it is going to be a long road, where I carry a lot on my shoulders and she is not sure how much I can take on. She agrees that he is not a threat to me. She told me over and over that I cannot internalize this. That is not about me...this is all about him. These are his issues and this is all about him...she told me that over and over. She said that I need to remember that and remind myself of that frequently. She obviously told me to call her day or night and that she''d help me work through whatever I decided to do.

For what it is worth, he did go to the doctor today and discuss how he behaved. His doctor did switch his medication and wants to monitor his behavior. He has continuously apologized...profusely. He feels horrible. He is devastated. He gave me my house keys back and said he didn''t want them back until I felt safe around him again. (His idea) He is absolutely beside himself and does not know what to do.

As I previously said, I know that for so many of you this is so black and white but I honestly believe that if you knew him in real life you''d be just as confused and torn as I am. I have not made my decision up, I repeat, I have not made up my mind yet. However, I am seriously struggling. I really need your support or at least some dust for whatever decision I make.

Again, I do not think I can say it enough...but thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of the time and effort you all have put in to helping me. I am so grateful! I am sorry this was soooo long.

I think your therapist needs a therapist. I love how your session is all about his needs. How long are you meant to look after him btw, he could get used to this very co dependant relationship and resist getting better just because its so damn convienient to do nothing and have your working partner feel all guilty about being the normal one.

I understand that you are in a very difficult situation and are trying to be fair. But life isnt fair and it is not your responsibility to become your boyfriends therapist, and emotional punching bag. He is not allowed to lash out at you to test you about the strength of your love. Your therapist who may as well be working for him should let you know that this situation may be far from temporary. You might go on to waste the best years of your life waiting for him to get better.

I advice you to leave him until he sorts his life out and grows up. He is not allowed to hate you for working or hold deep grudges against you for baking cookies with your Mum. Relationships are not meant to be difficult like this.

I personally dont think he is in a frame of mind to be anybodies partner at the moment. He needs to hit his own rock bottem and sort it out himself with medical and family help. It is not your place to be the victim of a depressed man`s hatred while he tries to feel better by putting you down and hating you. I take it he is blaming you for all his problems as you are his scapgoat so he doesnt really have to look within and do the hard work.

Anyway, I would like to send you as much dust as possible to get a happy ending whatever that may be.

 

[CNYHopeful]

PrettyInPink,
I''ve been reading this thread and taking it in and praying for you and your BF. I just don''t really know where to start, but here are a couple of initial thoughts:

1) I have trouble with the seriousness of the responsibility that is inadvertantly being placed on you (he must feel helpless relying on you and you must feel helpless feeling obligated to carry his troubles).

2) To me it seems as though you are perceiving the responsibility of helping him as being on YOUR shoulders - i.e. you feel that your ultimate decision about sticking around or leaving the relationship will have a direct impact on his psychological stability. If it could be guaranteed that he''d make it through without you and he could build confidence in himself, would you still feel responsible for him? That sense of obligation and burden should not be on YOUR shoulders. As your therapist said, this is all about HIM, not about you. However, this situation makes you feel that you have to be his savior. That is his psychosis making you feel that it''s about you. That should not be.

3) Love is FREE (it is never forced, manipulated, coerced, guilted, obligated), it is total (equal sharing of trust, patience, openness, communication, understanding), Faithful (not objectified by lust, envy, resentment, addictions...it is exclusive), and LIFEGIVING (bears fruit in all aspects of life).

4) Love can''t be total if both partners are not individually whole first. I hate to say it, but it sounds like there were issues and troubles before hand. I''d recommend, that if the therapist is so concerned over his fragile state, that if you cannot leave him -consider being there for him as a friend...not a lover. Let me clarify, being a friend removes the sense of burden and exclusive responsibility that an intimate romantic relationship assumes. Being a friend does, however, offer those very things that he needs...stable, constant, bold, affirming, challenging, support. A romantic relationship for an insecure, broken man is an all consumming addiction that can lead to destruction. If he loses a romantic relationship, he loses the object that could not fill his void; but if he gains the support of a friend who believes in him, he can gain the strength to believe in himself. He gains more from the friend then he does from the lover...when he starts out as a broken person. A complete person does not view his partner as an object to fill the void, but as a beloved and trusted confidante whom he values above all and can freely sacrafice all for. See, as I see it now, the relationship is not set up for success for either of you and he needs to become a successful friend before he can be a successful boyfriend/husband/father. Perhaps you believe he can do that, but he needs to learn the basics first...believe in self, believe in friendship, believe in love. In order to become that he needs good friends who won''t give him a bunch of drinks and carry on about skin-deep rubbish.

Do you know if he has any good, positive friends, who are maybe more settled in their lives that can say to him: look, I''ve been at rock bottom and I found a way through it, I believe in you? Perhaps they can offer him more now than anyone or anything. That''s all I''ve got for whatever it''s worth.

Hugs and best wishes however you decide. But make sure you keep yourself safe!

 

[sba771]

I agree with Sharon, your therapist sounds like she is not being objective or very professional IMO. She is using her feelings because she ''knows'' your bf and has met him. She needs to be focusing on you and it sounds like she is not and something seems very off.

Your relationship reminds me of the relationship I had with my ex for 4 years and it ended up costing me thousands of dollars because he berated me and I kept going back for more. He also used me for financial gain. I am your age and I say run. There are better people out there! I thought I was doomed to be with people like my ex until I met my FI. My FI drinks and has never ever ever said anything close to the things that were said to you.

He came by the next day apologizing because he realized what he stood to lose since it sounds like he is using you. I was also shocked when you wrote that your mom and sister were with you when you got those texts and they were making excuses for him because ''he would never act like that normally.'' If my mother ever heard someone speak that way to me, that person would probably be on life support. You deserve more and better. It took me 4 years to get out of the same situation and I am so glad I did. Life is so much better!

I know this is tough and you are confused. I think maybe, if you can, try to make an appt with another therapist to maybe get some additional support. Good luck.

 

[bee*]

Date: 3/25/2009 5:18:16 AM
Author: sba771
I agree with Sharon, your therapist sounds like she is not being objective or very professional IMO. She is using her feelings because she ''knows'' your bf and has met him. She needs to be focusing on you and it sounds like she is not and something seems very off.

I know this is tough and you are confused. I think maybe, if you can, try to make an appt with another therapist to maybe get some additional support. Good luck.

ditto. I really do not think that the advice that your therapist gave you is very objective. It almost sounds like she''s making you feel guilty as well. A relationship is not meant to be that hard. You should be able to bake cookies with your mam and not be made feel awful about it. I think that making an appointment with another therapist is a good idea.

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 3/25/2009 6:25:41 AM
Author: bee*

Date: 3/25/2009 5:18:16 AM

Author: sba771

I agree with Sharon, your therapist sounds like she is not being objective or very professional IMO. She is using her feelings because she ''knows'' your bf and has met him. She needs to be focusing on you and it sounds like she is not and something seems very off.


I know this is tough and you are confused. I think maybe, if you can, try to make an appt with another therapist to maybe get some additional support. Good luck.

ditto. I really do not think that the advice that your therapist gave you is very objective. It almost sounds like she''s making you feel guilty as well. A relationship is not meant to be that hard. You should be able to bake cookies with your mam and not be made feel awful about it. I think that making an appointment with another therapist is a good idea.

I third this - I''ve been thinking over what i wrote to you originally and while i stand by some of my points, i still cannot get over how much he escalated from bad behavior to outright monster. I am a type of person who does forgive (or at least try to understand) easily, but again i haven''t had your exact situation happen to me. Of course it is still up to you to ultimately decide, and know that we are here to help you!
I am glad he gave his keys back. It should be up to you when he gets them back, not him. and if you do want to be with him, i hope you realize that while he does need to know he has a support system, you are not the ones to fix his problems. He needs to continue with therapy and needs to do it on his own.

Most of all, i am glad you are still safe!!

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 3/25/2009 12:49:44 AM
Author: prettylnpink419

But as MY therapist she has my best interest at heart so she said I basically have two options...well technically 3...I can run away and leave him to continue down his downward spiral...We can take a break and not see each other for a month or so (which he will most likely view as rejection which will continue to activate his core issues.), or I can fight for him and push back and tell him that I love him and no matter how hard he tries to push me away I won't leave him alone and I will help him through this and we'll get through it together...as long as we both work at it...which means not drinking, staying on the antidepressants and him seeing a therapist. She said that if I choose to fight for him, I need to do a better job of giving his emotions value and not getting so defensive. She said she's seen me devalue his emotions in her office before. He's tried to tell me how he feels and I immediately react by getting defensive which then shows him his emotions are not important. So she said I'd need to focus of giving him value and acknowledging how he feels. That I need to avoid getting defensive and justifying in arguments. She said I'd need to constantly remind him that however hard he pushes me away, I'll push that much further back because for once in his life he was not going to be abandoned.
My therapist did say that no matter what I chose to do, it was going to be a very bumpy road. And if I choose to fight for him then it is going to be a long road, where I carry a lot on my shoulders and she is not sure how much I can take on. She agrees that he is not a threat to me. She told me over and over that I cannot internalize this. That is not about me...this is all about him. These are his issues and this is all about him...she told me that over and over. She said that I need to remember that and remind myself of that frequently. She obviously told me to call her day or night and that she'd help me work through whatever I decided to do.

Who the heck is this woman? If she was my therapist I would be out that door so fast. I have never heard such a load of cr@p in my life!

I stayed in an abusive relationship - not once but TWICE, once for 7 years and the second time for 2 years (following the first one's suicide) - and I mean seriously abusive, all because I believed if I could help that poor ickle hurt boy inside that everything would somehow be okay and to do this I had to show them that no matter how badly they treated me, no matter how many names they called me, no matter how many times they hit me that I would always be there for them as it was all just a TEST to make sure that I really loved them and would be there for them. Once I passed the test then everything would be wonderful.

Finally I got into therapy and my therapist helped me turn round my life. She wasn't interested in my partner other than how it affected me.

I cannot believe that this so-called 'therapist' is basically encouraging you to become co-dependant and I am so angry for you that you are getting down-right dangerous advice. Buy a copy of 'Women who love too much' - I'm not normally a fan of self-help books, but this one is eye-opening.

For what it's worth, it's also not that common to get aggressive in that way when drinking on antidepressants.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 3/25/2009 7:43:14 AM
Author: Pandora II

Date: 3/25/2009 12:49:44 AM
Author: prettylnpink419

But as MY therapist she has my best interest at heart so she said I basically have two options...well technically 3...I can run away and leave him to continue down his downward spiral...We can take a break and not see each other for a month or so (which he will most likely view as rejection which will continue to activate his core issues.), or I can fight for him and push back and tell him that I love him and no matter how hard he tries to push me away I won't leave him alone and I will help him through this and we'll get through it together...as long as we both work at it...which means not drinking, staying on the antidepressants and him seeing a therapist. She said that if I choose to fight for him, I need to do a better job of giving his emotions value and not getting so defensive. She said she's seen me devalue his emotions in her office before. He's tried to tell me how he feels and I immediately react by getting defensive which then shows him his emotions are not important. So she said I'd need to focus of giving him value and acknowledging how he feels. That I need to avoid getting defensive and justifying in arguments. She said I'd need to constantly remind him that however hard he pushes me away, I'll push that much further back because for once in his life he was not going to be abandoned.
My therapist did say that no matter what I chose to do, it was going to be a very bumpy road. And if I choose to fight for him then it is going to be a long road, where I carry a lot on my shoulders and she is not sure how much I can take on. She agrees that he is not a threat to me. She told me over and over that I cannot internalize this. That is not about me...this is all about him. These are his issues and this is all about him...she told me that over and over. She said that I need to remember that and remind myself of that frequently. She obviously told me to call her day or night and that she'd help me work through whatever I decided to do.

Who the heck is this woman? If she was my therapist I would be out that door so fast. I have never heard such a load of cr@p in my life!

I stayed in an abusive relationship - not once but TWICE, once for 7 years and the second time for 2 years (following the first one's suicide) - and I mean seriously abusive, all because I believed if I could help that poor ickle hurt boy inside that everything would somehow be okay and to do this I had to show them that no matter how badly they treated me, no matter how many names they called me, no matter how many times they hit me that I would always be there for them as it was all just a TEST to make sure that I really loved them and would be there for them. Once I passed the test then everything would be wonderful.

Finally I got into therapy and my therapist helped me turn round my life. She wasn't interested in my partner other than how it affected me.

I cannot believe that this so-called 'therapist' is basically encouraging you to become co-dependant and I am so angry for you that you are getting down-right dangerous advice. Buy a copy of 'Women who love too much' - I'm not normally a fan of self-help books, but this one is eye-opening.

For what it's worth, it's also not that common to get aggressive in that way when drinking on antidepressants.

I have to agree. This man threatened you with murder!!!! There are too many other wonderful guys who could be perfect life partners for you, that you have to think about staying in a relationship where someone threatened to kill you???? No excuses in my book, your own safety is the important thing and I do not believe that there are any circumstances where it is justified for a murder threat to be ok. Do you really want to risk sticking around to find out if he means it or not?

 

[neatfreak]

Add me to the list that thinks your therapist is nutso!!! Just because someone is a therapist doesn't mean they are a GOOD one.

And your therapist justifying his actions because he is on anti-depressants? No no no. I am in the health research field, including mental health, and while alcohol mixed with antidepressants is never a good idea, it would NEVER cause someone to say those things unless they meant them, KWIM? It would NEVER CAUSE someone to threaten murder...it just removes the inhibitions of the person who is ALREADY THINKING THAT.


He didn't just say some hurtful things...he said he was GOING TO MURDER YOU. Take that to the police and guess what? He'll be arrested. What does that tell you? THAT IT ISN'T NORMAL BEHAVIOR.

 

[fieryred33143]

I''m sorry but your therapist sucks.

In relationships you don’t keep tabs. You don’t write down on a notebook “today I washed the dishes, one point for me.” If what your therapist said about him comparing helping you move to the time you didn’t help him, then he’s a child. Please know that relationships aren’t like that.
Honestly, I don’t see how she can say that all of this can “easily explain” what he did. And reading her response to you and your situation it made it seem like you are to blame for his actions and that you are required to carry the burden of his life. You are not in control of him. Do not assign yourself that burden especially when he can so easily set aside your feelings for his own.

I feel so badly for you because it sounds like everyone in your life-your therapist, your boyfriend, your sister-is making excuses for his behavior and assigning you as his savior. People cannot be saved if they don''t want to be saved. There is absolutely nothing you can do to change that fact.

Throughout this whole thing I''ve stayed away from comments like "run" just because I know it is easier said than done. But after hearing what the people around you have to say I am so angry. You need to get out of this relationship. You need to get away from these people that think you deserve to be in this situation. Seriously, just get out.

 

[prettylnpink419]

First, my entire therapy session was not about him. It was about what my choices were and how she couldn''t tell me what to do only guide me after I''ve made my choice. She''s worried about the weight sticking by him will put on my shoulders and whether or not I''m capable of carrying that weight. She''s advised me it "could" be a long road, but going back to school in May, staying on meds, and seeing a therapist could be enough to snap him out of it. She doesn''t know. She is someone I think very highly of and have trusted for quite some time right now. She knows me personally, she knows my limits and she knows him. I don''t think it is fair for you to say that she''s nuts because she''s seen more, heard more, and knows more about our relationship. I''m sorry for getting defensive here but say what you want about him, but she has my best interest at heart and I truly trust that. She at no point said that I deserved how she treated me or that I needed to stay with him. He simply laid it out for me and told me to decide how I wanted to react and that she''s support me and help me through whatever I chose. She simply was sharing what he is most likely going through in his subconscience mind. She does not agree me it or think it is excusable. She felt like it was important for me to understand what was going on with him so I would not internalize it and that i would be able to see that his behavior is not about me and I am not responsible for his actions and I do not have to tolerate his actions. She said she believes I probably would not be comfortable leaving him and if that was the case she would coach me on what he needs to help him through this but that I''d need to set some boundries with him for myself and that I''d need to be extremely careful at what I was willing to do and to not reinforce his actions. I have an appt with her next week as well. I wanted more time to really think through everything before I really decided how I was going to react and what decision I was going to make. Once I''ve made up my mind she wants to meet with me again so we can talk through it and she can help me, not him. She is in no way advising me to be co-dependent. She wants me to focus on my goals and achieving them and to not let him pull me down. She said that she believes if I do choose to fight for him then I could only do it for a matter of a few months, and if the situation has not improved than at that time it would be of my best interest to let go and remove myself from the situation. She only told me what he needed if I was to help him because I asked. I asked her what my options were, where to go from here. She in no way said that is what I should do, just that if I made the choice to stay with him....that is what he needs to help get him through his. As far as reacting violently when mixing antidepressants and alcohol, she is a professional, his doctor is a professional, I have personally done some research on it and it does appear to be common. Does everyone react that day, no, they don''t. But it is an extremely well known side-effect which is why they warn patients not to drink while on anti-depressants, because they know that can happen. She knows how serious his murder comment was, and she knows that he could be sent to jail for that comment. She knows it is not a joke and there is no excuse. She is no way brushed that off to be nothing but just like everyone else in my life she truly believes he is no threat to me and that was not him talking that night, that he was completely toxic and essentially lost it. She has been my therapist for longer than I''ve known him and she has known every up and down there has been throughout the entire course of our relationship. She knows his behavior and mine historically and she knows this is new. And as I said, in my heart of hearts, I KNOW he would never act on the threat. There is no doubt in my mind he did not know what he was saying and that he''d never hurt me. But like so many of you said, that doesn''t make it okay and that is the part I am struggling with most. That one comment is mostly the reason for my biggest conflict.

Also, to set the record straight. I''ve bought him groceries a few times. I''ve offered to help with insurance, etc but he always turns me down. He isn''t comfortable with it. He pays ALL of his bills by himself with savings he has had for awhile. We''ve previously talked about living together and had agreed it was something we wanted to do but he''s not comfortable putting that responsibility on me until he finds a job and has something to contribute. I have not been supporting him financially. I''ve offered help...which I''m sure any of you would do if your loved one was struggling...obviously previously to last weeks behavior. And he is not knowingly resenting me, it is all subconscience and something he''d needs to work through because that is not fair to me.

She knows that be fighting for him is not something that could or should go on forever for even for months. She agreed that the only way I should even consider giving him a second chance if he was willing to work at communication and getting his act together. If he isn''t willing to work at it then it is not worth it. I do not feel responsibile for him. I hurt for him because he is hurting and I''m conflicted about abandoning him in a time of need. That is my own personal conflict not because I feel like I couldn''t leave or that if I did he''d be suicidal. I know it is not about me but it is hard to not internalize that. My ex had depression issues as well and is now happy, engaged, and planning a wedding after dating someone for 9 months so it is hard to look at that relationship and see how he was depressed and then look at this relationship and see how my current BF is depressed...and wasn''t previously. That is something I need to let go of because I didn''t cause it in either relationship...that is just my core issues coming out and I need to let go of that and remember that none of it is about me.

How do I become his friend and not his lover? We have obviously been best friends for most of our relationship and friendship with one another was always extremely important to both of us. But how do you take steps back like that? I ask because I honestly do not know.

I am defensive for my therapist because she has helped me through a lot and I trust her so much. Please do not mistake that for defending his actions I just think I may not have done a good job sharing my conversation with her last night.

 

[KatyWI]

Date: 3/25/2009 7:59:18 AM
Author: neatfreak
Add me to the list that thinks your therapist is nutso!!! Just because someone is a therapist doesn''t mean they are a GOOD one.


And your therapist justifying his actions because he is on anti-depressants? No no no. I am in the health research field, including mental health, and while alcohol mixed with antidepressants is never a good idea, it would NEVER cause someone to say those things unless they meant them, KWIM? It would NEVER CAUSE someone to threaten murder...it just removes the inhibitions of the person who is ALREADY THINKING THAT.



He didn''t just say some hurtful things...he said he was GOING TO MURDER YOU. Take that to the police and guess what? He''ll be arrested. What does that tell you? THAT IT ISN''T NORMAL BEHAVIOR.

I am with neatfreak here. I am terrified for you that your therapist told you to stay with and continue to support a man who said HE WAS GOING TO MURDER YOU. Your therapist is supposed to be concerned with YOU and YOUR mental health... not that of the man who is abusing you!!

I seriously recommend finding another therapist who could be more objective.

I have been emotionally abused, and seen friends through emotional and physical abuse. Your boyfriend is displaying all of the classic signs. The day after crying and begging and pleading? Does not mean he is really sorry and will never do it again, it means he doesn''t want to lose the health insurance and the sex and everything else, and he wants to gain the upper hand again so he can continue to control you.

If anyone told me they were going to murder me, not only would I end any sort of relationship with them, but I WOULD call the police. That is flat out TERRIFYING.

I have to agree with everyone else that you should RUN, not walk away. If you decide not to do this, please please PLEASE be extremely careful around him.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 3/25/2009 8:59:52 AM
Author: prettylnpink419

She''s advised me it ''could'' be a long road, but going back to school in May, staying on meds, and seeing a therapist could be enough to snap him out of it. She doesn''t know.

Yeah or the stress of school, the meds mixed with the alcohol, and dealing with his emotions can also make him snap.

It doesn''t sound like you are ready to move past him. My major concern for you is that he gets violent. So please at least enroll in some self defense courses.

My heart aches for you.

 

[prettylnpink419]

He has not accepted my offer to help with health insurance. He has not accepted anything from me. I am not supporting him, so what does he stand to lose that would make him apologize and not mean it. He told me he will live with what he said everyday, that he can't get past it and can't forgive himself and doesn't expect me to forgive him or forget it happened. He knows it is unacceptable.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 3/25/2009 1:32:22 AM
Author: havernell

Date: 3/25/2009 12:49:44 AM
Author: prettylnpink419
I know he is in a dark place right now and part of me feels like how can I leave him there and abandon him...isn''t a relationship about thick and thin and good times and bad?

I also wanted to add yes, relationships are about sticking together through thick and thin, good times and bad BUT - not when threats are being made against you!! That is when the line is crossed and all bets are off.

I am really sorry and understand that this isn''t easy for you but PLEASE consider your own safety here!

 

[bee*]

How about taking a break and see does he do the things that he promised, and get himself sorted, start his classes etc. May isn''t that far away so how about picking a date near the end of May where you guys can meet up for coffee and see how things are?

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 3/25/2009 9:22:52 AM
Author: bee*
How about taking a break and see does he do the things that he promised, and get himself sorted, start his classes etc. May isn''t that far away so how about picking a date near the end of May where you guys can meet up for coffee and see how things are?

I like that idea.
I am concerned that he will not accept help from you - it seems to be pushing his pride. another part of a relationship is willing to accept help when it is needed. I think once he can over come that, that will be another huge step in the positive for your relationship.

big hugs to you - you need one!

 

[lucyandroger]

You've gotten a lot of great advice. So, I just wanted to offer you some **HUGS**!

This is going to be a very tough time for you no matter what you decide. You have to make sure that you are taken care of first before anyone else.

Also, I just wanted to throw it out there that you can take a "break" from the relationship so that you can both work on your own issues first and foremost. You can still be there for each other as friends and a shoulder to lean on. But I think at this point, you need some seperation to get your head wrapped around the options and what would be best for you.

EDITED: I just saw that you asked how to take a step back and become friends. So here are my suggestions:

- Do not spend the night together
- Do not just hang out together without a plan. Instead, go for lunch, eat lunch, and say good bye (for example).
- Keep yourself busy with other friends and activities that you may have neglected since getting in a relationship.
- When you get the urge to call him, try calling someone else first (mom, friend, sibling). Then see if you really need to tell him something.
- Limit yourself to a few meetings per week.

That's what I can up with off the top of my head. Do you think you could do those things?

 

[KimberlyH]

I am so sad that your therapist could even suggest staying with this man is a viable, reasonable option for you. Before you figure out how to be his friend, figure out how to be your own friend. A relationship is about thick and thin, it''s not about death threats and cruelty, it''s not about one partner feeling completely and totally responsible for the happiness of the other, it''s not about playing the savior and the saved. He needs to straighten his own life out, get himself on track for whatever it is he wants to do regarding school, get a job, get it together. And again, you need to figure out how to be your own best friend. I really wish you the best, and I hope you put yourself first in this situation, because it doesn''t sound like anyone else is.

 

[purrfectpear]

1. Time for a new therapist. Seriously.
(glad I''m not the only one who realized that!!!)

2. If you stay and "fight" for the relationship it IS about you. Make no mistake about it. It is ALL about
you no matter what your wacky therapist says. Because YOU are choosing to remain in an unhealthy
relationship whereby YOU prop up another person and YOU take on their insecurities and YOU are
supposed to keep your mouth shut so you can support HIS emotional needs.

Staying with someone that even your therapist recognizes is suicidal is codependent, weak, and risky.

 

[Winks_Elf]

I see so many conflicts in your posts on this page alone PIP. First, how is he going back to school when he has no money? Kinda hard to pay for education with no job. Second, and please do not take this as an insult because it is not, you need to be okay with your own issues before you can take on his. In other words, you are still dealing with your own issues (good for you that you know what they are! Some people go for their entire life without getting help), so being involved with someone who is resenting the progress in your life really is not a good idea. It''s called co-dependency. Believe me I understand how hard it is to say goodbye to someone you love, but is not good for you. I''ve had to do it a few times in my life.

You are still young (I''m biologically old enough to be your mother!), and haven''t had enough time to go through the amount of crap I have. At this stage of my life I know when someone is going to cause me more harm than good, and have developed enough backbone to say enough when things need to end. It never gets any easier, but you do become more sure of your decisions as you get older. I''d just hate to see you some day realize that you wasted the best years of your youth with the wrong man.

You''ve gotten some really good advice from some very smart ladies, but only you can decide what is good and right for you. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Sharon101]

Date: 3/25/2009 8:59:52 AM
Author: prettylnpink419
First, my entire therapy session was not about him. It was about what my choices were and how she couldn''t tell me what to do only guide me after I''ve made my choice. She''s worried about the weight sticking by him will put on my shoulders and whether or not I''m capable of carrying that weight. She''s advised me it ''could'' be a long road, but going back to school in May, staying on meds, and seeing a therapist could be enough to snap him out of it. She doesn''t know. She is someone I think very highly of and have trusted for quite some time right now. She knows me personally, she knows my limits and she knows him. I don''t think it is fair for you to say that she''s nuts because she''s seen more, heard more, and knows more about our relationship. I''m sorry for getting defensive here but say what you want about him, but she has my best interest at heart and I truly trust that. She at no point said that I deserved how she treated me or that I needed to stay with him. He simply laid it out for me and told me to decide how I wanted to react and that she''s support me and help me through whatever I chose. She simply was sharing what he is most likely going through in his subconscience mind. She does not agree me it or think it is excusable. She felt like it was important for me to understand what was going on with him so I would not internalize it and that i would be able to see that his behavior is not about me and I am not responsible for his actions and I do not have to tolerate his actions. She said she believes I probably would not be comfortable leaving him and if that was the case she would coach me on what he needs to help him through this but that I''d need to set some boundries with him for myself and that I''d need to be extremely careful at what I was willing to do and to not reinforce his actions. I have an appt with her next week as well. I wanted more time to really think through everything before I really decided how I was going to react and what decision I was going to make. Once I''ve made up my mind she wants to meet with me again so we can talk through it and she can help me, not him. She is in no way advising me to be co-dependent. She wants me to focus on my goals and achieving them and to not let him pull me down. She said that she believes if I do choose to fight for him then I could only do it for a matter of a few months, and if the situation has not improved than at that time it would be of my best interest to let go and remove myself from the situation. She only told me what he needed if I was to help him because I asked. I asked her what my options were, where to go from here. She in no way said that is what I should do, just that if I made the choice to stay with him....that is what he needs to help get him through his. As far as reacting violently when mixing antidepressants and alcohol, she is a professional, his doctor is a professional, I have personally done some research on it and it does appear to be common. Does everyone react that day, no, they don''t. But it is an extremely well known side-effect which is why they warn patients not to drink while on anti-depressants, because they know that can happen. She knows how serious his murder comment was, and she knows that he could be sent to jail for that comment. She knows it is not a joke and there is no excuse. She is no way brushed that off to be nothing but just like everyone else in my life she truly believes he is no threat to me and that was not him talking that night, that he was completely toxic and essentially lost it. She has been my therapist for longer than I''ve known him and she has known every up and down there has been throughout the entire course of our relationship. She knows his behavior and mine historically and she knows this is new. And as I said, in my heart of hearts, I KNOW he would never act on the threat. There is no doubt in my mind he did not know what he was saying and that he''d never hurt me. But like so many of you said, that doesn''t make it okay and that is the part I am struggling with most. That one comment is mostly the reason for my biggest conflict.

Also, to set the record straight. I''ve bought him groceries a few times. I''ve offered to help with insurance, etc but he always turns me down. He isn''t comfortable with it. He pays ALL of his bills by himself with savings he has had for awhile. We''ve previously talked about living together and had agreed it was something we wanted to do but he''s not comfortable putting that responsibility on me until he finds a job and has something to contribute. I have not been supporting him financially. I''ve offered help...which I''m sure any of you would do if your loved one was struggling...obviously previously to last weeks behavior. And he is not knowingly resenting me, it is all subconscience and something he''d needs to work through because that is not fair to me.

She knows that be fighting for him is not something that could or should go on forever for even for months. She agreed that the only way I should even consider giving him a second chance if he was willing to work at communication and getting his act together. If he isn''t willing to work at it then it is not worth it. I do not feel responsibile for him. I hurt for him because he is hurting and I''m conflicted about abandoning him in a time of need. That is my own personal conflict not because I feel like I couldn''t leave or that if I did he''d be suicidal. I know it is not about me but it is hard to not internalize that. My ex had depression issues as well and is now happy, engaged, and planning a wedding after dating someone for 9 months so it is hard to look at that relationship and see how he was depressed and then look at this relationship and see how my current BF is depressed...and wasn''t previously. That is something I need to let go of because I didn''t cause it in either relationship...that is just my core issues coming out and I need to let go of that and remember that none of it is about me.

How do I become his friend and not his lover? We have obviously been best friends for most of our relationship and friendship with one another was always extremely important to both of us. But how do you take steps back like that? I ask because I honestly do not know.

I am defensive for my therapist because she has helped me through a lot and I trust her so much. Please do not mistake that for defending his actions I just think I may not have done a good job sharing my conversation with her last night.

Maybe your therapist is helping you, its hard to tell. I think that she shouldnt be giving you false hope that your partner will get better within a few months....and that you should fight the good fight for awhile. It doesnt work like that. Depression can last a lifetime, it can be a chemical imbalance in the brain, not something related to life circumstances. This could be who your partner is forever.

Your ex. may be a totally different case and you cant know everything is smelling roses for him. Just because it sounds glamerous that he is getting married doesnt mean anything. And if he is on top of his issues, he probably had to work very hard to get better and to grow and mature.

Your current so is more than just suffering from depression issues. He is red flag mental health issues and that is without the drunk insident.

You see him as your love who has a dissability or illness that you need to support eg like cancer or ms, but I see him as a controling manipulative selfish individual.....who uses niceness, guilt and passive aggressive abuse to manipulate you.

Now no one is perfect but you need to let him grow up, you need to see who he becomes on his own, sink or swim. And if he is really the right guy for you, he will get his act together, stop feeling sorry for himself, and come and win you over like a man, not a sick winey child who tells his Mum he hates her to get her attension.

Im assuming he is intelligent if he is to study medicine or similar, and Im sure he can be very charming, but the beginning is typically the best time in a relationship. Most people can put on an act for up to 2 years, so that is the honeymoon period. If the beginning is this hard, and it becomes the norm for you guys , trust me that it will get only worse when you are both no longer trying to impress the other.

And your therapist, good as she might be, seems a little too happy to treat you indefinately. There is nothing wrong with you that you need to pay someone indefinately to help you cope with a mentally unstable person. I think your therapist should be getting you to a point where you dont need to see her. Remember that she is getting paid and keep that in mind when you call her a friend.

 

[Bia]

Date: 3/25/2009 10:23:12 AM
Author: KimberlyH
I am so sad that your therapist could even suggest staying with this man is a viable, reasonable option for you. Before you figure out how to be his friend, figure out how to be your own friend. A relationship is about thick and thin, it''s not about death threats and cruelty, it''s not about one partner feeling completely and totally responsible for the happiness of the other, it''s not about playing the savior and the saved. He needs to straighten his own life out, get himself on track for whatever it is he wants to do regarding school, get a job, get it together. And again, you need to figure out how to be your own best friend. I really wish you the best, and I hope you put yourself first in this situation, because it doesn''t sound like anyone else is.

I agree 100% with this. You have to love yourself enough to know that NO ONE (not your bf, not your friends, no one) should be allowed to treat you like this.

He needs a rude awakening. If his life sucks right now, then he needs to get his s**t together. Period. You can''t make build the life he wants for him, he needs to do it. If later, he''s changed, who knows, but right now, he is not in a good place. I wish you could see that. I think you already do because you''ve clearly written it in your posts for the rest of us to see.

As for your therapist. I don''t know...

 

[prettylnpink419]

Kimberly I appreciate your post however, I feel the need to comment. Your opinion differs from my therapists. That is fine, nothing wrong with that but as a professional I trust her opinion. She knows me very well and I do not believe she would EVER put me at risk. She simply said it was my decision and she''d support me either way.

Our RELATIONSHIP has not been about death threats and cruelty. We have had an amazing relationship for the past 2 years. This is all new since he lost his job at the end of January and has decided he does not want to work in the automotive industry anymore so he wants to go back to school. This is completely new and he has never disrespected me like that before. I do not, nor have I ever said I feel completely and totally responsible for his happiness. The only way I would ever even consider staying with him is if he agreed to get help with his depression and that he stayed focused on getting his life together with school and a part-time or full-time job during school and if he can''t find anything then if he started volunteering in his new field or doing something to get him out of the house and to keep him motivated and like he has a purpose. That is on him, not me.

I am my own best friend. I don''t understand why some of you have even made comments like that. I am not someone that thinks poorly of myself. I have very ambitious goals for myself and I am my own best friend. I have considered how all of my opinions will affect me most importantly. It is not like I''ve been going through this all along and not thinking about myself.

Really truly thank you so much for your thoughts and concern. I don''t want it to sound like I don''t appreciate it and I don''t want people to think I''m not open to criticism. I just want people to understand though why I am so conflicted and that I do love myself and am thinking about myself but I am also thinking about the person I love and have been committed to for over two years. I''m worried about him. I know I can''t change him or fix him and that this is something he needs to do for himself but I also know how lonely I''d feel if I was him and that I''d want the people that love me to support me in making those changes for myself. It is truly about more than just that text message conversation. It is about how he is struggle and depressed and hurting. I struggled as a teen and said some really hurtful things to my mom. I told her I hated her and she was the worst mom ever. She forgave me because she loves me and knew I was hurting, scared, and trying to push her away but that I didn''t mean it.

Taking a few steps back in our relationship would probably be good right now. We both need to reevaluate what we want from this relationship if we are going to stay in on and what BOTH of us would do to work on it before I agreed to anything. I have really been thinking about what all of you have said about being friends and supporting him as a friend through this and then re-evaluating in a few months if he''s really made some changes.

I think either way July is kind of my unofficial deadline...either we work at it and we stay together and try to get through this together and I unofficially wait until July (When is has been back in school) to see if he''s become more motivated, focused on communicating with me in an effective way and has really turned his situation around or we take a break from our romantic relationship and remain friends and then in July I re-evaluate the same things to determine whether this is still someone I''d want a life and a family with. I just can''t stop thinking what if this was a one time fluke reaction between the alcohol and meds, or a one time complete freak out and that it would never happen again and by running away I''d throw away a chance at an amazing life with a great man that would never hurt me. I can''t help but think that I''d regret not giving him the benefit of the doubt and giving him a second chance to prove to me that the person he was that night is not the person he is or the person he ever wants to be and that he thinks for of himself, me, and our relationship.

Not that the two are even comparable but do and of you watch Private Practice? Cooper''s girlfriend''s father died and she has been struggling emotionally. She cheated on Cooper and told him because she wanted to push him away and hurt him because she was hurting. He told her no and he told her that he loved her and while he could not excuse her behavior he wasn''t going to let her push him away when she was hurting so much and that he knew that wasn''t what she really wanted or needed. Again, not the same thing as what he said to me, but similar in a sense. He''s hurting, he pushes me away. I leave, worry about only me and not the one I love and in his mind confirm for him I don''t love him or I stay and push back.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 3/25/2009 10:58:22 AM
Author: prettylnpink419

Not that the two are even comparable but do and of you watch Private Practice? Cooper''s girlfriend''s father died and she has been struggling emotionally. She cheated on Cooper and told him because she wanted to push him away and hurt him because she was hurting. He told her no and he told her that he loved her and while he could not excuse her behavior he wasn''t going to let her push him away when she was hurting so much and that he knew that wasn''t what she really wanted or needed. Again, not the same thing as what he said to me, but similar in a sense. He''s hurting, he pushes me away. I leave, worry about only me and not the one I love and in his mind confirm for him I don''t love him or I stay and push back.

You are right. It ISN''T comparable. Charlotte never threatened to murder Cooper. It''s a different scenario entirely.

And I hope you respect yourself enough to understand that sometimes in life you need to put yourself first and get yourself out of harms way. This is one of those times.

 

[KatyWI]

PIP, I understand that it''s really hard to walk away from someone you''ve been in love with that long. I walked away from a three year relationship with my emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend and while it seemed impossible at first, it wasn''t long before I realized just how bad things had been and was so grateful to myself for having the strength to walk away.

Pushing someone away by cheating on them or saying moderately hurtful things would be a situation in which I might consider pushing back to support someone.

But someone who said they wanted to MURDER me? Hell no.

If you are insistent on seeing about a future, tell him you care about him but you cannot be with someone who said those things to you, and that you will reconsider in July if he has gotten his life together.

I know we''re all coming off as harsh here, because we''re on the outside and we only know what you''ve told us. But what you''ve told us is flat out terrifying - I don''t know that I''ve ever been this worried about someone I''ve never had any contact with before. Please know that whatever you decide, we will be here to support you - we just want you to be around to support. *hugs*