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emotional help, please...

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I''m so sorry this is going on, Mere. I''m glad you came here to talk it out though, sweetie, you need to be able to talk to somebody about it.

I would want to know what was said in those text messages, but I would only be able to read them if I was prepared to deal with what was written in them. For me, in my relationship, it would not be okay for my SO to text message *any* woman repeatedly, drunk or sober, at home or in Vegas. If I didn''t know what was said it would eat away at me and I would never be able to trust him again.

The fact that he''s upset that you looked up the times of the texts is bizarre to me--his behavior led you to not trust him, and looking up the texts was a consequence of that behavior.

What do you need to know to feel like you can move on and trust your FI? Do *you* need to see the texts? Will your imagination run wild if you don''t? OR, will you be better not seeing them? Think about both scenarios and figure out what would work best for you.

As for the issue of him not trusting you to trust him if you look up the texts, he should really be the one to print the messages out for you and *give* them to you if you''d like to read them, in my opinion.

Mere, you will get through this. You will be okay. We''re here for you if you need to "talk."
 
ps ((((( HUGS )))))
 
Meresal, I''m so sorry you have to deal with this. It must be so difficult to not know what or who to believe. I obviously don''t know your FI or the full situation so it''s hard for any of us to judge or tell you what to do. Personally, if it were me, I would wonder why he got so upset when he found out your knew about the texts and I would wonder why he deleted the text messages without showing them to me if he really didn''t do anything wrong. I would want to know what was said between them because I think I would always wonder and have doubts and feel a lack of trust if I didn''t know.

However, if you decide to print the texts, I think you should tell him you are going to and be absolutely sure you''re ready for whatever is in them. Hopefully it''s all innocent and went exactly as he said it did. No matter what we''re all here for you whenever you need support or just want to talk..
 
If you don''t believe anything happened I would let it go. The text messages you did read were extremely innocent. Furthermore he came home and told you the whole story. A guilty guy would not have done that. It sounds like he loves you very much. He''ll never do anything like that again. You''ve made your point.
 
Date: 5/4/2009 7:42:23 PM
Author: Haven
I''m so sorry this is going on, Mere. I''m glad you came here to talk it out though, sweetie, you need to be able to talk to somebody about it.

I would want to know what was said in those text messages, but I would only be able to read them if I was prepared to deal with what was written in them. For me, in my relationship, it would not be okay for my SO to text message *any* woman repeatedly, drunk or sober, at home or in Vegas. If I didn''t know what was said it would eat away at me and I would never be able to trust him again.

The fact that he''s upset that you looked up the times of the texts is bizarre to me--his behavior led you to not trust him, and looking up the texts was a consequence of that behavior.

What do you need to know to feel like you can move on and trust your FI? Do *you* need to see the texts? Will your imagination run wild if you don''t? OR, will you be better not seeing them? Think about both scenarios and figure out what would work best for you.

As for the issue of him not trusting you to trust him if you look up the texts, he should really be the one to print the messages out for you and *give* them to you if you''d like to read them, in my opinion.

Mere, you will get through this. You will be okay. We''re here for you if you need to ''talk.''
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I ditto Haven completely. I absolutely think it''s bizarre for him to be upset that you looked up the texts, and I would think he would WANT you to read them so that you could see there was nothing shady going on. If I were in your shoes, part of me would feel like by making me feel guilty for researching the texts, he is trying to shift the focus off of his behavior and on to you (implying that you are the one who is doing something wrong). I don''t like that.
I hope this all turns out okay. Sending you lots of support and hugs*****
 
Wow. Y'all are truely wonderful. Thank you so much for all of your hugs and words. Everything you have written means so much and in this time where I really have had no one to turn to, I realize again what great friendships I have made here.
I am finally home and FI and I talked as soon as I walked in the door. He has been pretty emotional all day, and had to get alot out before we could actually talk calmly, but we are in a much better place.

Before I left work, I realized that this really had nothing to do with the girls or the bride from Chicago. I honestly know that he ddn't cheat on me. I think that is what would make it very hard for me to have the texts printed up. Why put myself thru that, if I know I already trust him? I realized that things just weren't lining up if you will. Times and dates that he was having a hard time remembering were overlapping and I felt like it just wasn't right.

The first thing I told him, since he was so upset with himself, was that I believed him that he didn't cheat on me. Which is true. I told him I understood that subcontiously he probably enjoyed being the one with the girls' number, becuase that meant that the guys had to come to him anytime they wanted to make plans, which allowed him to be the center of attention. I get it. He appreciated that I could be rational about that and we could move on to the real issues. The lies.

On my way home from work I spoke with the GF of one of the guys on the trip, and she made a comment about the night they went to the strip club, which was not what I had been told. I found out that he had initially lied to me about what night they went to the strip club, and it spiraled from there. Thrusday night he didn't call or text me at all, and never texted to tell me he was headed to bed. When I finally heard from him the next morning, he told me they had just been at the bar all night and then to the tables to gamble. They actaully went to the strip club this night, and for some reason he thought that I would be mad, so he lied to me. It spiraled from there.

He told me that they went on Friday night, after dinner, which is why LOTS of the people and calls weren't lining up. He's cried alot, and feels incredibly guilty about everything. I'm just glad to know the truth. I don't feel like I need to know what the texts said, I believe him that he was just contacting them for the other guys. I was upfront with him in the fact that I had debated having the texts printed, but it would show a severe distrust in him, that I didn't necessarily feel. Even if the texts had said nothing, I would have still gone digging for what was actaully bothering me. I'm glad I won't worry about the texts anymore.

There was lots of emotional talk in between this that had to do with how he feels in general, that I couldn't even repeat, but I asked him if he still wanted to get married. And he does. I actually think that this was probably a very eye opening situation for both of us. If he's scared to tell me things, then obviously I have done something wrong along the way as well, though he agrees lying to me is never ok.

Thank you everyone for your help. I honestly never thought that I would share something like this on this site and especially in BWW... but I guess everyone that thinks things could never go wrong, are yanked back down to reality at some point.

You all are incredible friends, thank you again.
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ETA: About him getting upset when I looked up the texts, I think it was shock. A little while after, he said how much he hated that he had given me a reson to not trust him. When we went to bed last night, things were "fine". So, the fact that I was still worried was a shock to him. I never asked to see the texts, all I asked last night was if they communicated all weekend, and he said "No." I honestly wasn't worried about the girl last night becuase I didn't realize how many texts there were, so him deleting them, was fine with me. If that makes sense.
 
I''m so glad to hear you''re at ease about all this now, Mere. Good for you two for talking it out.

Now, here''s to smooth sailing between now and your wedding!
 
My husband is a very friendly guy who hates HATES HATES to talk on the phone with anyone but me. So he texts and emails a lot. But he is very much his own person, and I know that I can trust him with all that I am. He would never do anything to hurt me. So if he came to me and just told me about something like... meeting a woman in a bar under these circumstances, no problem. I may not even remember the conversation if I'm doing something else at the time. He meets people, and some of these people happen to be women. Whatever.

BUT if my husband came to me distraught because he was talking to a woman at the bar, then texting her... etc. It would set off MAJOR alarm bells for me. Because he THINKS he's done something wrong. And then I'd feel like... 'what am I missing." It's the guilt I'm reacting to. Because, like I said, my husband is his own person and he has his own moral code. If HE thinks he needs to be asking for forgiveness, that's a major concern for me.

So what your FI did THAT YOU KNEW OF INITIALLY? Not an issue on the facts alone. But the way he reacted would have had me suspicious and curious. And I would have had no issue asking to see the texts. In fact, he probably would have shown the to me himself, or offered to. Why did he react the way he did? I mean, so what if he talked to some bride in a bar then continued the conversation? There's nothing wrong with that.

It's his reaction that raised flags for me. And what do you know... he was in a strip club (not that I would have any issue with my husband going to a strip club, I don't care. It's the lying that's the issue) and lied.

IF this happens again. Just ask him for full disclosure and details. ALL of them. Then if something isn't smelling right... you get upset and deal with it. It's the guilt and the lies that I would be seriously ticked about. That's a lesson the lesson I hope he's learned for this.

Good luck.
 
Meresal, I am so happy you two were able to talk about things and work everything out.

But, I wanted to touch on something you said involving you "taking the blame" for him lying to you because you might have created an atmosphere where he feels like he has to hide things. Please don''t put that on yourself, and esspecially not right now. What your FI did (in regards to the lying and texting a random girl) was wrong...but it has nothing to do with you. That''s all on him, those were his decisions to make. Along the lines of what Gypsy said...he has his own moral code. Maybe he lied to protect you...maybe he lied out of guilt...who knows, but you didn''t force him into lying--that was just another decision he made.

Again, though, I am so happy you were able to push past this and move forward. Now that speaks volumes about your relationship.
 
I''m glad to hear that things are sorting themselves out.

Major ::hugs:: to you, Mer. I''m glad you felt better after confiding in us and sharing what was going on.

I guess this is moot... BUT... I definitely sided with the minority that you shouldn''t print the history, for more than just "trust" reasons. The texts you saw said, "Had fun with you guys... I''ll e-mail the photos" and "Wish you and FI all the best." If you felt uneasy or threatened or upset about those texts (which are pretty harmless-sounding), I''m sure that your FI *definitely* became flustered, knowing just how upset you''d be after you found out there were THIRTY of those texts.

Your FI loves you. If he had done something wrong, I doubt he would have mentioned even meeting a bachelorette party to you, you know?

But as you said- it''s not about the texts. It''s the underlying trust/lying concerns... But it seems that those problems are on the mend.

Take a deep breath
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You guys will be great... Just remember how much you love one another and No. More. White. Lies!!!
 
i am awfully glad you are feeling better about the whole situation meresal
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it''s got to be hard waiting at work all day to sort things out - so glad you feel better now.
 
Date: 5/4/2009 8:46:43 PM
Author: PilsnPinkysMom
I''m glad to hear that things are sorting themselves out.

Major ::hugs:: to you, Mer. I''m glad you felt better after confiding in us and sharing what was going on.

I guess this is moot... BUT... I definitely sided with the minority that you shouldn''t print the history, for more than just ''trust'' reasons. The texts you saw said, ''Had fun with you guys... I''ll e-mail the photos'' and ''Wish you and FI all the best.'' If you felt uneasy or threatened or upset about those texts (which are pretty harmless-sounding), I''m sure that your FI *definitely* became flustered, knowing just how upset you''d be after you found out there were THIRTY of those texts.

Your FI loves you. If he had done something wrong, I doubt he would have mentioned even meeting a bachelorette party to you, you know?

But as you said- it''s not about the texts. It''s the underlying trust/lying concerns... But it seems that those problems are on the mend.

Take a deep breath
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You guys will be great... Just remember how much you love one another and No. More. White. Lies!!!
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HUGS! The good news is that this is going to make your relationship stonger in the long run and you can deal with the real "issues" at hand. I''m glad you realized there was an underlying cause to all your uneasyness.

I also agree that the other bride sent him I wish you and FI the best, she respects him and you...even though she probably shouldnt have been texting him...never the less...at least they are well wishes and not...well you know
 
I have nothing to say, really, except that I''m sorry you went through all of this and that I''m glad you were able to talk it out in a healthy way. I''m sure you''re still very hurt that he lied to you--that is inexcusable--but it seems that he is very focused on rebuilding your trust. Please don''t feel guilt that he felt it would be best to lie to you, that has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with him...I know that he''s a very nice guy, but that was selfish and disrespectful.

Tons of hugs to you, Mer, and again, I''m just really sorry!
 
NEL and Italia: I know I shouldn''t take blame, and after I read thru my post and over your responses, I clarified to him that I was in no way taking the blame or any responsibility for his lie. He agreed that it was his mistake to make and it will never happen again. Thank you for putting me back in my place.
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Thank you everyone. It meant a world of difference once I could finally share what consumed my thoughts all day. It was like I could finally think clearly once I had somewhere to share. I can''t say thank you enough.
 
Mere, I just read this thread. I''m sorry you had to go through this, but to echo Haven, I''m glad you and FI have sorted things out to your satisfaction. I hope you''re feeling better (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
 
I am so glad to hear that the two of you talked and that it went well.
 
I am happy for you that you seem to have found peace.

I have to say though that what Gypsy posted was alot of what I was thinking when reading the situation.

So what your FI did THAT YOU KNEW OF INITIALLY? Not an issue on the facts alone. But the way he reacted would have had me suspicious and curious. And I would have had no issue asking to see the texts. In fact, he probably would have shown the to me himself, or offered to. Why did he react the way he did? I mean, so what if he talked to some bride in a bar and than continued the conversation? There''s nothing wrong with that.

Take care and above all I to am happy for you that you were able to come here and find some answers for yourself through a very difficult time....
 
Hi Meresal!! ((((HUGS))))) and more even bigger ((((HUGS))))

I''m relieved to see that you guys are getting things back on track, and that his explanations made sense to you, and those fears are allayed....

From what I read of this thread, it seems that the thing which disturbed you most was seeing how he reacted to adversity, and how he handled a mistake he made.

From what you write here, your method of solution involves coming clean about the adversity to your life partner, and jointly assessing the damage before coming up with a solution that is satisfactory to both of you, and respectful of both people''s personal boundaries.

His idea of a solution in this particular instance was to sweep it under the rug and move on. I don''t know either of you well enough to say anything one way or the other, but it seems like it brought up a lot of questions regarding how he''ll approach problem-solving within the marriage. It can be quite scary to contemplate trying to navigate the sometimes nasty curveballs that life throws your way.

I think that even though you''re sure nothing disastrous happened, his problem-solving approach in this instance left you uneasy because his instinct was to hide it.

Now, not telling your significant other the whole story about dumb, drunk behavior seems small and silly on the surface (especially if nothing happened) but it gets your anxiety revved up, and you imagine scenarios where there''s more at stake if the consequences are bad. Like, for a random example, he puts a lot of you guys'' money into a bad investment, and tries to sweep that under the rug. I''m NOT SAYING he is the type of person to do that, I''m only saying that''s where the mind wanders to when we say things like "I don''t know if I can trust him."

I totally understand your anxiety, and your inner turmoil over this. Totally and completely. Because envisioning a lifetime spent with a partner who you constantly have to "go behind and check his work" is a very exhausting, depressing prospect. So, yeah, it''s an awful, panicky feeling.

I don''t have much practical advice (not that you asked for it. You just need some support, which you totally have from me, BY THE METRIC TON, babe!!).

If I did have any advice, I guess i would try to explain to him that you consider the two of you to be a TEAM, the ultimate team....and tell him that he needs to trust you with the whole story so that you can both work on stuff TOGETHER. That there are things he can''t fix alone, and things that can''t be dismissed. That he''s not alone anymore, and it''s not just him shouldering the burden of mistakes he makes. That he also has to trust YOU so that the team functions properly, because, after all it''s you two against the big bad world, and you have to be able to support each other, which is impossible if one of you is in the dark about something....

It''s more about getting him to trust that you are a strong woman, a strong partner, and you aren''t this delicate little flower who melts into a puddle when tough things happen (sometimes, guys underestimate our reserves of strength and our resiliency).

I hope that this is easy for you guys to move on from. You both deserve to feel secure and happy, especially at this time in your lives.

I''m thinking good thoughts for you over here
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Date: 5/4/2009 10:13:34 PM
Author: lauralu
I am happy for you that you seem to have found peace.

I have to say though that what Gypsy posted was alot of what I was thinking when reading the situation.

So what your FI did THAT YOU KNEW OF INITIALLY? Not an issue on the facts alone. But the way he reacted would have had me suspicious and curious. And I would have had no issue asking to see the texts. In fact, he probably would have shown the to me himself, or offered to. Why did he react the way he did? I mean, so what if he talked to some bride in a bar and than continued the conversation? There''s nothing wrong with that.

Take care and above all I to am happy for you that you were able to come here and find some answers for yourself through a very difficult time....
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Thank you for replying... and I agree with you, that there is nothing wrong with my FI meeting and talking with someone in a bar. What compelled her to write him after she returned home from the trip, was what caught my attention. I understand it was light hearted, it just surprised me.

If I had asked to see the texts last night, my FI would have shown them to me. However, I did not ask becuase I saw no harm in it, and he told me that there weren''t very many others. I only found out that there were around 30 this morning, after he had deleted them.

I understand his reaction may be odd, but I can only express how I feel, and I feel 100% sure he was faithful. Thanks again!
 
Not that this is any reassurance what so ever but if he did cheat on you or was with this girl all night - then he wouldn''t have had to text her all night long! I do also believe that they were texting innocently all night - but that doesn''t make it right. I also don''t like that he lied to you about the strip club thing... I would probably have the text messages printed just to be sure. After all, if you believe they are innocent, then it''s not a big deal. I wonder if a part of you is worried about seing something you don''t like or don''t want to see? I don''t think that looking them up will mean you don''t trust him - and in all honesty - I have a feeling you will resent him for quite some time if you don''t find out once and for all.
 
Mere, I just saw this thread too. I''m very glad that you and your FI have talked things through and that you feel better about the situation. Many hugs.
 
I''ve been thinking a lot about your post, and when K and I were driving around running errands we had a long chat about it. I have a couple of thoughts for you, based on that conversation. K is VERY honest and I wanted to try and pass on some of that.

1. You said that he cried and begged when confronted? Is this usual behavior from him. When I mentioned that to K the first thing he said was "He''s trying to manipulate her!" If that is his usual reaction to stressful things, K didn''t think you''d mention it at all. I''m always leery of over-the-top or out of character reactions in situations like this.

2. Don''t print off the text messages yourself. If you want to know what they say, tell him that your plan is to get them printed. You aren''t looking for him to react in a certain way, you aren''t trying to "trick" him into confessing anything, you are just being open and honest about what you want. If you were to go behind his back to get the printed messages you''d be just as sneaky as he was in hiding the true events of the weekend.

3. Either way, he still lied to you about a lot of things. It is time to sit down and go over the whole weekend, minute by minute, if it is necessary to make you feel 100% better. Did you ask him why he needed to send so many?

I''m sure I''m missing some of K''s points, so let me go back and bug him to read this and he''ll finish filling me in.
 
Meresal, sorry I didn''t post earlier, I wanted to though. I am really sorry for everything you had to go through but I am glad you and your FI resolved this. I hope that this keeps the lines of communication open between you two. MAJOR (((HUGS))).
 
Glad you guys worked things out Mere. I don't want to beat a dead horse, but I thought of this more tonight as I was driving home from work.

I think the thing that would bother me the most was that it was your FI that was the liason between the 2 groups. If his friends wanted to talk to those girls so bad they a) should have gotten their numbers themselves and b) not put your FI in a situation that he was the contact person. His friends should know better than do that to a guy who is about to get married. And your FI knows better than to put himself in that situation. I would also want to know what someone is doing texting someone else they barely know well after bars have closed, but that is me.

I would just let it go at this point, which it sounds like you are going to do. At least he knows in the future that you take little white lies seriously and hopefully he learned his lesson!

Now get back to oogling at your awesome shoes!
 
Wow. I just caught up with this and I totally understand why you felt the need to talk to someone. I really would have too, and I think you''re a very big person for NOT looking up the texts. I would have done so after the very first lie, because I think after one lie you''ve kind of blown your right to someone''s trust, at least temporarily. Of course it doesn''t mean he cheated on you, and that''s the most important thing. I''m glad you''re feeling better about it now.
 
So glad that you and him talked it out and you''re in a better place now.
 
I''m so happy that you had a good talk and are trying to sort it all out. I agree with Gypsy and NEL-this is in no way your fault and it is him that needs to take the blame. I hope that things continue to get better and we''re all here for you!
 
I know you probably just want to move on from this, but after reading your updates I had to chime in that I also felt like he was trying to get you to take the blame for his mistakes.

I say mistakes because it seems that now there are 2 issues.
1. What he did (the texts).
2. How he handled what he did (lying and getting overly emotional when you expressed concern and were upset).

It sounds like you have come to terms with what he did (the texting) and trust that nothing else happened, which is great! I just hope that you two have also dealt with the second issue so that if something, anything, happens in the future that makes him feel guilty, unsure, or worried about your reaction, that you two have a plan for how to handle it that you can both agree on!

I know personally that sometimes my fights with dh evolve from an issue that we are fighting about to fighting about HOW we fight, and it helps to separate the issues.
 
Meresal,

Your last update sounds like you''re in a much better place now, which is nice to hear. I''m happy you thought it through and talked with him about it, and as long as you''re satisfied with what you spoke about and you''re sure you trust him (which it sounds like you are) then that''s what matters.
 
Date: 5/4/2009 4:13:54 PM
Author: Clairitek
If I were in your situation I think that I would want to know what they said. Otherwise, it would eat at me and I would probably project my frustration out on to other things in my relationship.

I''m realllly sorry that this has happened Mere. I hope you can get to the bottom of this and find some peace.
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Ditto. I would want to read the texts, see the pictures, listen to what he has to say about it all, then make my own conclusion. It would drive me nuts not knowing.

Good luck, I''m sorry you have to go through this.
 
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