Extremely upset ... I hate my proposal and my engagement ring

[saltymuffin]

I really disagree with the comment that you should tell people who see the ring that he is "only a student". You shouldn''t be applogising for the ring - it is your engagement ring, and far more than many brides have! Maybe one day, if it is really important to you, you will get an upgrade. But right now, this is what he has given you. Learn to love it for that.

There are some twisted notions here on PS about how big a "big" stone is. And what it means. In the real world .5cts is a pretty average size.

 

[rainydaze]

Date: 12/14/2007 1:34:39 PM
Author: HollyS
Second: No woman, I repeat, NO woman, should ever buy her own engagement ring. This is not an option. This ring is not about what you can afford. It is not about your status in your perceived social circle; it is not about the impression you want to give others. It IS about what he can afford, what he was willing to sacrifice in order to buy it, and how important you are to him. You would emasculate him by buying your own ring; you are saying to him, ''you can''t give me what I want; I have to give it to myself.'' The damage to his self esteem would be off the charts.

i had this very same thought too. i think it would be wise to heed what HollyS is saying.

 

[Girlrocks]

First, I would try to get over the fact that it wasn''t your ideal proposal...many things in life aren''t going to turn out as your hope, but they are still great when you look back on them. For example, childbirth...everyone has these ideals about how you want it to be, but it rarely goes as planned, but in the end,the result is still the same. Same goes for your proposal...the end result, you are ENGAGED!! I think it''s nice that he surprised you and tried to do something on his own. Maybe going to the restaurant where you had the gift certificate was his way of trying to throw you off...you said he''s a student, so would reservations at a fancy (=expensive) restaurant had made you suspicious??

When DH and I got engaged 12 years ago, it was a very similar situation. He took me to dinner at a fancy restaurant, although neither of us knew that the tables were right on top of each other. He was really nervous, I thought nothing of it, and didn''t expect a proposal. Well, he tries to inconspiculously remove the ring box from his pocket, and the lady at the next table smacks her husband in the chest, stands up, points at us and YELLS "he''s going to propose!". DH shot her a death glance, basically handed me the box because he was so p***** off, and then we ate our salads and were engaged. No, it wasn''t the proposal of my dreams, but now almost 13 years and 3 kids later, it doesn''t really matter anymore.

Now, on to the ring, this is a MUCH touchier subject. What is it about the ring that you don''t like, other than the size? Is it the shape, did you want more than a solitaire, wrong metal type? You could suggest having a 3 stone ring made, using this as one of the side stones, then you would still have the original stone in your ring. I really don''t have any other suggestions on this one, it''s very tough. My DH proposed also with a ring that had a good size center stone, but was in YG and the style was not me at all. I had it reset about 6 weeks later. He''s never bought me any jewelry since that I didn''t pick out first. I mentioned that I would like some diamond earrings for Christmas, and the man came to me last night with a Macy''s ad asking me if I liked a particular pair he was pointing to. I guess the look on my face said it all, as he promptly crumbled the ad and threw it in the garbage.

ER are very personal, a girls been dreaming about hers forever, while most guys can walk into the mall and come out 6 minutes later with a ring. It should be something you are both happy with (especially you).

Good luck!

 

[3shebabes]

I can totally feel your unease with the situation -- especially your feeling guilty that you feel disappointed despite the fact that you love him. BUT - I agree with the previous poster that the proposal is water under the bridge. I guess you could request that he repeat it later, under better circumstances, but that may just feel staged and fake. He actually wanted to surprise you, which is a sweet gesture, and it sounds like he succeeded at that part of it!

Just not in a good way...

A quick tip from my past: I am 42, and married for the 2nd time. My first proposal, when I was 24, was one of those romantic, dreamy ones. He was a pilot - so he proposed as we swirled around the clouds, totally alone, at 10,000 feet as the sun went down...followed by a candlelit, ritzy dinner at our favorite dress-up dinner spot. It was wonderful - I felt so lucky and excited and I loved telling the story later. Though we''d dated since we were in high school, a year into our marriage I felt lonely and bored - and by year 7, and one child later, it was over. My 2nd time, I knew the ring was coming. I was 33, he was 35 and I assumed he''d pick up the ring we''d looked at together and plan a romantic evening during which to present it to me officially. I was wrong. The very afternoon he picked it up, he came to my house wearing a baseball cap, t-shirt and shorts he often wore to mow his grass. I was unshowered, feeling frumpy, rushed because I was trying to get lots done before picking up my daughter from preschool, and was busily putting groceries away in my kitchen cabinets -- when he pulled me out onto my deck, knelt down and gave me the ring. No big romantic, well-planned speech either. Before I could even collect my thoughts he grimaced and grunted, "Can I get up now? I think I''m kneeling on a nailhead that''s sticking up." Of course, I said yes and I was happy as could be that we were combining our lives - but the proposal was quite lackluster, to say the least. Afterward, I went back to putting groceries away -- as I still had butter and milk, etc that needed to go in the fridge! Around that time, we had several friends get engaged and each one had a romantic, well-planned dramatic big moment involved...that we heard many detailed descriptions of -- and I think that made him feel terrible. Later he told me he did it that way because he couldn''t wait for me to have the ring and for it to be "official" -- but he regretted making it so dull. BUT - here we are 10 years and 2 children later, and I am totally happy in my marriage and grateful everyday to have him.

I guess - the "moral" is that the proposal is so very brief - it''s what follows that counts!

As for the ring, as others have mentioned - you have 2 choices : The first is to love it simply because he chose it and keep it. You could also possibly take the $ you''d planned to spend on it yourself and together choose a gorgeous diamond wedding band for later - that would add more sparkle. I''m not sure whether someone has already suggested this --but, if it didn''t upset him, maybe you could have his stone re-set between two side stones for a more substantial look.

Or, you can tell him you love him and you''re thrilled to be planning a wedding/life with him and you were so flattered that he did this on his own -- but you had a few specifics in mind for your ring and would he mind if you returned it and chose another one together? Ugh. It sounds a bit hurtful just saying it -- but if it is delivered correctly, it could be okay I think. After all - you do have to wear it for a long time and you want to love it. That''s only natural.

Good luck with this! - And congrats on your engagement...!

 

[lumpkin]

Well, I can relate a little. My proposal was fine, and the ring was okay, but when we had our wedding everyone in the family was totally ho-hum about it. Not that they didn''t want us to be married or anything like that, but they were completely unenthusiastic about the wedding itself. Supposed to be one of the most memorable days of your life, right? Kinda like the proposal? I was pretty bummed out for awhile, but after many years of marriage, here''s my experience:

Most of the "special" events end up having so much anticipation/high expectations that even if they are perfect they sort of fall flat, KWIM? It''s the day to day, meat and potatoes of your life that is SOOOOOOO much more important. Say the every day, day in day out stinks, what good are the "special" events?

Seriously, every single milestone where I had certain preconceived ideas about how things were going to be ended up differently than I expected. Sometimes a little better than expected, sometimes not nearly as much fun or as exciting as hoped for. But my husband would be there for me NO MATTER WHAT. He would honor his vows.

I''m sorry your proposal wasn''t what you''d hoped. I really am. I wish there were some way to reasure you that when you have more time invested in this relationship this particular event will lose its significance as far as the logistics of the proposal itself.

The ring can be upgraded later. He got you the very best he could get you, and that speaks VOLUMES! He won''t always be a student, and I think it would hurt his pride tremendously (as it would probably 90% of the men out there) for you to buy your own engagement ring. It''s a symbol of his commitment and devotion to you. What kind of symbol is it if you buy it yourself? Trust me, as someone who had a tiny diamond to begin with, wait until after you are married and you can celebrate an anniversary, his first employment after graduation, or something like that with a bigger diamond. You need to look at the big picture here, and get over the appearances. Proudly show your ring -- it''s beautiful, right?

 

[October2008bride]

Date: 12/14/2007 1:37:05 PM
Author: krisvrn
Hello. I will be honest and have a different response as the others. Get over it! I think you are focusing too much on the proposal and the ring. You need to look at how much he loves you and how he gave you a ring while he is still a student. The proposal is one day. Your life together is forever. (hopefully) You are focusing too much on the ''little'' stuff and not the big picture.

The ring issue- you can gently tell him that you would like to upgrade it someday. It sounds like to me you are embarrashed about the ring. (not a good sign) .

Sorry to say this but I think your bf is a good man. He must be very understanding as I perceive you as a difficult person.

Congrats aaaaaaaa on the proposal! It''s really exciting!!

I agree with most of what has been posted above, however I do disagree with the idea that you can gently tell him that you would like to upgrade someday. I think us PS''ers get a little jaded or desensitized to this issue because many of us on here did most of the searching/work etc to get the ring, and we forget that some men dream of a surprise proposal as much as we do being engaged/getting a ring etc.

The proposal was HIS moment - it is the one thing related to weddings that was all about him. His timeline, his vision of what he wanted to get you/could get you. PLEASE don''t ruin it for him and ask for an upgrade already. I think he would be devastated. He obviously wants to marry you!! He took you to a nice restaurant as a treat with that gift certificate, and unfortunately it wasn''t a perfect location. But to him, what was perfect, was that the woman he loved was sitting across the table and he didn''t want you to wait any longer!!! I think that is very romantic!!

What is even MORE romantic is that you didn''t have to push him to do it! No hounding him with pictures, or discussions about size/cut etc. No deadlines. No threats. (Ahem...I may have some experience with this). He wants to marry you so badly that he went out, on his own, and bought the best ring he could so that you would know that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

A .5 carat ring is nothing to sneeze at, but, as a size whore myself, I can understand your desire to have something bigger down the road. Just wait on it for a while. You can always upgrade later, but if you do it now, I think he will be crushed.

PLUS you can always upgrade later when you are both working, and hopefully you can keep this ring as a sentimental reminder of how much your husband loved you!!!

Anyways - my advice is to maybe do something romantic this weekend. Just the two of you. Something that isn''t forced or anything - just something that the two of you usually do. Go to a coffee shop and just drink lattes and talk and read the paper all morning long. Breakfast in bed. Go for a hike. Put up a Christmas/Holiday tree. Do something that will remind you both of what an exciting time this is and how lucky you are to have such an amazing guy as a fiance!

 

[Mara]

gosh i cannot tell you how many times we hear this story on here...and i know people in real life too who have had less than stellar proposals. right now i have two good friends who are about to get engaged and every time i ask HIM what he's doing for proposal, he is so noncholant about things, and he wanted to just surprise her with it in a gift (which to me seems so obvious!) and i am like hey how about THIS (insert elaborate ruse here) and he's like nahh...i just am like dude! don't make it boring, she will be bitter. as a chick, come on, listen to me. hehee. so who knows what he's doing but i TRIED!

however, the real bottom line is that it is not about the ring or the proposal. it's about your life together that you are building and will continue to build. that said, i understand how you feel in general, it's a girls perogative to want to have some smashingly fabulous proposal that she can tell all her friends and family about. the proposal to many is the 'proof' that the guy is a catch...HAH. he not only got you a ring, but he planned XYZ and did this and that and oh and then this. a bad proposal to some might say that he really doesn't care, is lazy, whatever.

but the real questions are what kind of father will he make if you decide to have kids? what kind of partner does he make to you now? the proposal is just words, the gesture of giving the ring for marriage to me is the real proposal, and that is symbolic from the heart. the proposal overall is like a christmas gift. sometimes it's good, and sometimes it's bad. sometimes you really go WHAT was he thinking. sometimes you are happy he WAS thinking. it can be so hit or miss and says nothing about how he feels about you...because sometimes guys are just clueless.

on the ring part, that's harder to be happy with long term because, flat out, you have to wear it daily. you sound like a woman with an idea of what she wants and typically used to getting it. i am like that too. i am not the type to be like 'oh look you gave me this random thing that i would never buy for myself, i love the thought behind it so i automatically love it as well'. i have such strong tastes and ideas that if whatever IT is doesn't fit in my idea of what i want, i have a really hard time liking it much less loving it. my husband knows this and respects it...he typically doesn't surprise me with anything big because he knows how particular and detailed i am about things. but that said, it is tough when the guy is SO excited and proud of himself and its so far from what you wanted. i don't know really the best way to approach it...but you probably DO have to approach it....if you are that upset and disappointed, it will just bug you and eat at you until you end up saying something big like during a fight or a disagreement that you will seriously regret later.

just some initial thoughts. you know your guy the best, so how might it be best to proceed with him? could you 'upgrade' in a year or so...would he mind? if not then that might be a good way to get your $$ into the equation and get what you really want but without hurting his feelings and returning the ring he bought you right away. on the other hand, some guys do want to know right away and would be more offended later if you tried to do something different...because after a while i think they get sentimentally attached to what they bought you.

 

[Linda W]

Well said Mara!!!

Linda

 

[woobug02]

Woo....first let me say CONGRATS!!!! Now let me say how sorry I am that the proposal and ring are not what you were hoping for

We were so young when we got engaged that my first diamond was a .10ct... would have fainted if I had received a .50ct.... .50 is nice size ring but obviously not what you were hoping for.... I am sooo sorrry.. Is it a nice diamond? I have to say that beautiful .50ct on here look larger to me that the not so beautiful 1.0ct.... Does debeers have a upgrade policy or could you return it and keep the exact same setting...just put a bigger stone in it????? (That is if you like the setting)..This same thing happened to my daughter... She was so shocked when her boyfriend ask her to marry him but even more disappointed by the ring

Her boyfriend was kind enough to let her reset the stone into a setting she liked much better... Again, CONGRATS!!!

 

[Ellen]

Date: 12/14/2007 1:34:39 PM
Author: HollyS
I''m not even sure I know where to start here; you''re so POd about the whole matter.

First: Yes, it was not an ideal proposal. There are NO IDEAL PROPOSALS. Even the best laid plans have a way of failing. Your FI had been looking forward to going out to a nice place (I don''t know where you live, but $100. would go pretty far toward nice around here!), and relaxing with you over a pleasant dinner. Well, it didn''t go according to plan; and you got a case of the crabbies to boot. It wasn''t the setting he was probably envisioning either. Everyone on LIW and elsewhere need to get over this myth of ''the perfect proposal''. Life is not a TV show; you are not an actress; you are ordinary and average and Jane Everybody. Really, you are.

Second: No woman, I repeat, NO woman, should ever buy her own engagement ring. This is not an option. This ring is not about what you can afford. It is not about your status in your perceived social circle; it is not about the impression you want to give others. It IS about what he can afford, what he was willing to sacrifice in order to buy it, and how important you are to him. You would emasculate him by buying your own ring; you are saying to him, ''you can''t give me what I want; I have to give it to myself.'' The damage to his self esteem would be off the charts.

You have two choices. And only two choices. You can get over the image of perfection seared into your brain by the wizards of Madison Avenue, and start living a real life; or, you can let yourself get wrapped up in all the nonsense that has NOTHING to do with real love and a great marriage, and be miserable because . . . life ain''t perfect.


I know this sounds really nasty; it is not meant to be ugly for the sake of ugliness. It is meant as a wake-up call. He loves you. If you love him, get over it.

To the highlighted part----> I wore a .30 for 24 years, and I had the money to buy a bigger one too. Be happy with your half carat. Better yet, be happy someone asked you.

 

[krisvrn]

Date: 12/14/2007 2:12:40 PM
Author: October2008bride

Date: 12/14/2007 1:37:05 PM
Author: krisvrn
Hello. I will be honest and have a different response as the others. Get over it! I think you are focusing too much on the proposal and the ring. You need to look at how much he loves you and how he gave you a ring while he is still a student. The proposal is one day. Your life together is forever. (hopefully) You are focusing too much on the ''little'' stuff and not the big picture.

The ring issue- you can gently tell him that you would like to upgrade it someday. It sounds like to me you are embarrashed about the ring. (not a good sign) .

Sorry to say this but I think your bf is a good man. He must be very understanding as I perceive you as a difficult person.

Congrats aaaaaaaa on the proposal! It''s really exciting!!

I agree with most of what has been posted above, however I do disagree with the idea that you can gently tell him that you would like to upgrade someday. I think us PS''ers get a little jaded or desensitized to this issue because many of us on here did most of the searching/work etc to get the ring, and we forget that some men dream of a surprise proposal as much as we do being engaged/getting a ring etc.

The proposal was HIS moment - it is the one thing related to weddings that was all about him. His timeline, his vision of what he wanted to get you/could get you. PLEASE don''t ruin it for him and ask for an upgrade already. I think he would be devastated. He obviously wants to marry you!! He took you to a nice restaurant as a treat with that gift certificate, and unfortunately it wasn''t a perfect location. But to him, what was perfect, was that the woman he loved was sitting across the table and he didn''t want you to wait any longer!!! I think that is very romantic!!

What is even MORE romantic is that you didn''t have to push him to do it! No hounding him with pictures, or discussions about size/cut etc. No deadlines. No threats. (Ahem...I may have some experience with this). He wants to marry you so badly that he went out, on his own, and bought the best ring he could so that you would know that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

A .5 carat ring is nothing to sneeze at, but, as a size whore myself, I can understand your desire to have something bigger down the road. Just wait on it for a while. You can always upgrade later, but if you do it now, I think he will be crushed.

PLUS you can always upgrade later when you are both working, and hopefully you can keep this ring as a sentimental reminder of how much your husband loved you!!!

Anyways - my advice is to maybe do something romantic this weekend. Just the two of you. Something that isn''t forced or anything - just something that the two of you usually do. Go to a coffee shop and just drink lattes and talk and read the paper all morning long. Breakfast in bed. Go for a hike. Put up a Christmas/Holiday tree. Do something that will remind you both of what an exciting time this is and how lucky you are to have such an amazing guy as a fiance!

I think we all have similar messages here, look at the big picture and what is TRUELY important.

Why do you disagree with my comment about gently telling him you want an upgraged someday?? Arent we both saying the same thing?? I highlighted what you said above??

 

[BlackIsland]

Man plans - God laughs.

Life is not about cheoreographing each moment. It is about how we rise to the occasion when it happens in a way we least expect.

It appears you really love this guy and the bottom line is that he loves you enough to ask you to marry him. Finding a man to commit these days is no small thing. Sometimes the things that happen to upset us so much at the time (my little brother standing up and tell elephant jokes at my first wedding) become the things that we look back on and remember so fondly. I can't tell you if my wedding dinner was hot but my guest's sure did laugh at my little brothers antics.

The perfect moment is always the moment we are in right now. It is all we have. Cherish what is given with the heart. As for the ring - well for heaven sake - that is what anniversaries are for - and you can celebrate any anniversay! I like to celebrate Tuesdays - hey, it's Tuesday, let's go out for dinner.......

Melanie

 

[dolphingirl22]

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Be happy with your half carat. Better yet, be happy someone asked you.

 

[Catmom]

Date: 12/14/2007 2:25:30 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 12/14/2007 1:34:39 PM
Author: HollyS
I'm not even sure I know where to start here; you're so POd about the whole matter.

First: Yes, it was not an ideal proposal. There are NO IDEAL PROPOSALS. Even the best laid plans have a way of failing. Your FI had been looking forward to going out to a nice place (I don't know where you live, but $100. would go pretty far toward nice around here!), and relaxing with you over a pleasant dinner. Well, it didn't go according to plan; and you got a case of the crabbies to boot. It wasn't the setting he was probably envisioning either. Everyone on LIW and elsewhere need to get over this myth of 'the perfect proposal'. Life is not a TV show; you are not an actress; you are ordinary and average and Jane Everybody. Really, you are.

Second: No woman, I repeat, NO woman, should ever buy her own engagement ring. This is not an option. This ring is not about what you can afford. It is not about your status in your perceived social circle; it is not about the impression you want to give others. It IS about what he can afford, what he was willing to sacrifice in order to buy it, and how important you are to him. You would emasculate him by buying your own ring; you are saying to him, 'you can't give me what I want; I have to give it to myself.' The damage to his self esteem would be off the charts.

You have two choices. And only two choices. You can get over the image of perfection seared into your brain by the wizards of Madison Avenue, and start living a real life; or, you can let yourself get wrapped up in all the nonsense that has NOTHING to do with real love and a great marriage, and be miserable because . . . life ain't perfect.


I know this sounds really nasty; it is not meant to be ugly for the sake of ugliness. It is meant as a wake-up call. He loves you. If you love him, get over it.

<---- To this entire post.



To the highlighted part----> I wore a .30 for 24 years, and I had the money to buy a bigger one too. Be happy with your half carat. Better yet, be happy someone asked you.

I have to agree Ellen. I didn't even get a proposal, it was more of a "I guess it's time to go get the ring" kind of thing. We've been married 27 years and our marriage is stronger today than it has ever been. I picked out my setting but the diamond came from my husband's grandmother and was .33 ct. I wore that ring for 15 years. I didn't get my dream ring until last month, 27 years later. What was most important to me was that he wanted to marry ME. The ring was just the icing on the cake. I sincerely hope the OP can find happiness in that fact that he did propose and without her having to push him to do it. He gets many points in my book for buying her a ring when he was so low in funds. I agree with those who said to buy a blingy wedding band to spice up the overall look and then down the line go for an upgrade.

ETA: I wanted to say that I feel sad for the OP that she is so upset over this and I hope that she is able to resolve her feelings without hurting her relationship with her FI.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 12/14/2007 2:25:30 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 12/14/2007 1:34:39 PM
Author: HollyS
I''m not even sure I know where to start here; you''re so POd about the whole matter.

First: Yes, it was not an ideal proposal. There are NO IDEAL PROPOSALS. Even the best laid plans have a way of failing. Your FI had been looking forward to going out to a nice place (I don''t know where you live, but $100. would go pretty far toward nice around here!), and relaxing with you over a pleasant dinner. Well, it didn''t go according to plan; and you got a case of the crabbies to boot. It wasn''t the setting he was probably envisioning either. Everyone on LIW and elsewhere need to get over this myth of ''the perfect proposal''. Life is not a TV show; you are not an actress; you are ordinary and average and Jane Everybody. Really, you are.

Second: No woman, I repeat, NO woman, should ever buy her own engagement ring. This is not an option. This ring is not about what you can afford. It is not about your status in your perceived social circle; it is not about the impression you want to give others. It IS about what he can afford, what he was willing to sacrifice in order to buy it, and how important you are to him. You would emasculate him by buying your own ring; you are saying to him, ''you can''t give me what I want; I have to give it to myself.'' The damage to his self esteem would be off the charts.

You have two choices. And only two choices. You can get over the image of perfection seared into your brain by the wizards of Madison Avenue, and start living a real life; or, you can let yourself get wrapped up in all the nonsense that has NOTHING to do with real love and a great marriage, and be miserable because . . . life ain''t perfect.


I know this sounds really nasty; it is not meant to be ugly for the sake of ugliness. It is meant as a wake-up call. He loves you. If you love him, get over it.

<---- To this entire post.



To the highlighted part----> I wore a .30 for 24 years, and I had the money to buy a bigger one too. Be happy with your half carat. Better yet, be happy someone asked you.

Thanks, Ellen.

My mother didn''t have a diamond ring until she and Dad had been married 20 years. They had to replace their original wedding bands, because they had been worn almost completely through from NEVER having removed them for any reason for 20 years. After they picked out their new bands, my Dad surprised her at Christmas with a 3-row emerald cut diamond anniversary band. It was, by 1979 standards, and maybe still today, a honker! By that time, they could afford such a ring; but it wasn''t a problem for them during the years they couldn''t afford one.

We all love the gorgeous rings here on PS; drooling is a favorite pastime. But, none of us married a diamond. A diamond will not love and adore us, no matter how much we love it.

 

[Fly Girl]

Agree with the other posters here. After 30+ years of marriage, I can assure you that real life rarely lives up to what you imagine it should. I suggest that you keep your expectations very low, and work hard on your marriage, and try to be a good partner to this man as you move forward in your life together. He proposed to you, and with a ring! In my book, that is extremely romantic. If you love this man, then wear that ring proudly, and get on with life!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

See, I''m all for a woman paying for a portion of her own engagement ring since it is a symbol of combinging your lives--but it''s important that both members of the couple are happy with that. I didn''t want an e-ring, but it meant something to DH and I appreciated that. I wanted to pay for a portion of it (I felt having him pay was an antiquated tradition that was sexist, haha), but it was important to him to pay for it and I appreciated that. So long as I get to pay for my own jewelry from here on out and he didn''t spend much Anyway, in this case it does sound like it was important for him to pick it out himself--hence why he never asked--and plan the whole thing so it was a surprise.

And that is something to be appreciated

 

[Cathers]

Date: 12/14/2007 1:58:30 PM
Author: saltymuffin
I really disagree with the comment that you should tell people who see the ring that he is ''only a student''. You shouldn''t be applogising for the ring - it is your engagement ring, and far more than many brides have! Maybe one day, if it is really important to you, you will get an upgrade. But right now, this is what he has given you. Learn to love it for that.

There are some twisted notions here on PS about how big a ''big'' stone is. And what it means. In the real world .5cts is a pretty average size.

.5 in my world would be massive! I own a .32 oval

 

[Cathers]

hi lumpkin, do you have more photos of those rings?? If so, can you please post in SMTR? they are fab! sorry for the threadjack! nm, I found them, thank you!!!

Date: 12/14/2007 2:08:15 PM
Author: lumpkin
Well, I can relate a little. My proposal was fine, and the ring was okay, but when we had our wedding everyone in the family was totally ho-hum about it. Not that they didn't want us to be married or anything like that, but they were completely unenthusiastic about the wedding itself. Supposed to be one of the most memorable days of your life, right? Kinda like the proposal? I was pretty bummed out for awhile, but after many years of marriage, here's my experience:

Most of the 'special' events end up having so much anticipation/high expectations that even if they are perfect they sort of fall flat, KWIM? It's the day to day, meat and potatoes of your life that is SOOOOOOO much more important. Say the every day, day in day out stinks, what good are the 'special' events?

Seriously, every single milestone where I had certain preconceived ideas about how things were going to be ended up differently than I expected. Sometimes a little better than expected, sometimes not nearly as much fun or as exciting as hoped for. But my husband would be there for me NO MATTER WHAT. He would honor his vows.

I'm sorry your proposal wasn't what you'd hoped. I really am. I wish there were some way to reasure you that when you have more time invested in this relationship this particular event will lose its significance as far as the logistics of the proposal itself.

The ring can be upgraded later. He got you the very best he could get you, and that speaks VOLUMES! He won't always be a student, and I think it would hurt his pride tremendously (as it would probably 90% of the men out there) for you to buy your own engagement ring. It's a symbol of his commitment and devotion to you. What kind of symbol is it if you buy it yourself? Trust me, as someone who had a tiny diamond to begin with, wait until after you are married and you can celebrate an anniversary, his first employment after graduation, or something like that with a bigger diamond. You need to look at the big picture here, and get over the appearances. Proudly show your ring -- it's beautiful, right?

 

[tberube]

Hmmm.

This is one touchy situation. I guess I wasn't TOTALLY elated with my proposal either - I was in the middle of scrunching into an old tube dress in preparation for a funeral I was going to on my birthday. He didn't have any speech prepared, no kneeling, no candles or rose petals. Just him, me, my ill-fitting dress bunched around my waist, and that beautiful ring. And no, the ring wasn't the 1.25ct I was hoping for.

But when I stop and think about it all, the best thing about the proposal was that it was FROM HIM. It was slathered in his personality. It was personal, and intimate, and completely "us." And looking back on it - it was HILARIOUS!! And the ring is perfect for me, and it was from him, and I love it because I think of him every time I look down at it.

This is a special time in your life, shared by yourself and your true love. You should be enjoying him, and not putting so much pressure on the moment you were asked to be married to someone. The ring is upgradeable, so wear it in pride until then. Most single girls you know will covet your ring for its meaning, no matter what size it is, and everyone else will take a glance at it and forget about it no matter what, because it's the announcement that will stick.

 

[tberube]

Date: 12/14/2007 1:34:39 PM
Author: HollyS
No woman, I repeat, NO woman, should ever buy her own engagement ring. This is not an option. This ring is not about what you can afford. It is not about your status in your perceived social circle; it is not about the impression you want to give others. It IS about what he can afford, what he was willing to sacrifice in order to buy it, and how important you are to him. You would emasculate him by buying your own ring; you are saying to him, ''you can''t give me what I want; I have to give it to myself.'' The damage to his self esteem would be off the charts.

Eh...I don''t totally agree with this, HollyS. I honestly think there are many men out there who don''t attach their self esteem to what they can afford to buy their sweethearts. I didn''t personally have to help pay for my engagement ring, but if I wanted something exorbitantly out of budget or if I was making a ton more money than he was, then I would have gladly helped. The way I see it (and FI sees it), his money and my money is really OUR money anyway, or at least will be by the time we get married. And at that point it doesn''t matter whose paycheck a gift comes out of, just that the meaning is there.

 

[lumpkin]

Date: 12/14/2007 1:58:30 PM
Author: saltymuffin
I really disagree with the comment that you should tell people who see the ring that he is ''only a student''. You shouldn''t be applogising for the ring - it is your engagement ring, and far more than many brides have! Maybe one day, if it is really important to you, you will get an upgrade. But right now, this is what he has given you. Learn to love it for that.

There are some twisted notions here on PS about how big a ''big'' stone is. And what it means. In the real world .5cts is a pretty average size.

I agree with you saltymuffin. We are VERY spoiled and a sort of elitist group as far as diamonds go on PS (not saying we''re snobs, but we are very into diamonds and as such tend to want bigger, better, etc., and since that is the FOCUS of this particular board we have an exaggerated view of them). Most people IRL, don''t care that much about the jewelry, it''s the engagement that is most important.

BTW, there are a lot of lovely less than 1 carat rings on this board. You might want to see what you can do with your diamond. The setting can make a HUGE difference. I do like the idea of maybe finding a setting that will show it off more or add more sparkle. That might be a better way to go than saying right off the bat that you wanted a bigger one. I''m assuming it''s in a solitaire setting, so maybe you could tell him you saw this GORGEOUS setting, and it''s just perfect for your diamond.....

BTW, thanks, Çã†hër§. And less than a carat (although I''ll admit I would not turn down a larger one if hubby went out and surprised me with one).

 

[Diamond*Dana]

First off, congratulations on your engagement!

Now onto the rest of your post...I am sorry that you did not get the proposal you had dreamed about, but life is not a fairytale. I have to think that it takes a lot of courage to ask someone to marry you. Whether you have been together 2 months or 2 decades, it is not always easy to find the right words to say.

As for the ring...I cannot get that Rolling Stones song out of my head...

You can''t always get what you want
You can''t always get what you want
You can''t always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need

A proposal is not about a ring or being swept off your feet with all the bells and whistles. It is about the simple fact that this man, who you said that you love very much, wants to spend the rest of his days on earth with you ! Honestly, I cannot think of anything that is more romantic than that.

 

[ang3199]

I think the OP ran away...

 

[HollyS]

Date: 12/14/2007 3:35:49 PM
Author: tberube

Date: 12/14/2007 1:34:39 PM
Author: HollyS
No woman, I repeat, NO woman, should ever buy her own engagement ring. This is not an option. This ring is not about what you can afford. It is not about your status in your perceived social circle; it is not about the impression you want to give others. It IS about what he can afford, what he was willing to sacrifice in order to buy it, and how important you are to him. You would emasculate him by buying your own ring; you are saying to him, ''you can''t give me what I want; I have to give it to myself.'' The damage to his self esteem would be off the charts.

Eh...I don''t totally agree with this, HollyS. I honestly think there are many men out there who don''t attach their self esteem to what they can afford to buy their sweethearts. I didn''t personally have to help pay for my engagement ring, but if I wanted something exorbitantly out of budget or if I was making a ton more money than he was, then I would have gladly helped. The way I see it (and FI sees it), his money and my money is really OUR money anyway, or at least will be by the time we get married. And at that point it doesn''t matter whose paycheck a gift comes out of, just that the meaning is there.

What about it, guys? Anybody out there want to weigh in? Give us your male opinion.

 

[ang3199]

Date: 12/14/2007 4:21:14 PM
Author: HollyS

Date: 12/14/2007 3:35:49 PM

Author: tberube

Date: 12/14/2007 1:34:39 PM

Author: HollyS

No woman, I repeat, NO woman, should ever buy her own engagement ring. This is not an option. This ring is not about what you can afford. It is not about your status in your perceived social circle; it is not about the impression you want to give others. It IS about what he can afford, what he was willing to sacrifice in order to buy it, and how important you are to him. You would emasculate him by buying your own ring; you are saying to him, 'you can't give me what I want; I have to give it to myself.' The damage to his self esteem would be off the charts.

Eh...I don't totally agree with this, HollyS. I honestly think there are many men out there who don't attach their self esteem to what they can afford to buy their sweethearts. I didn't personally have to help pay for my engagement ring, but if I wanted something exorbitantly out of budget or if I was making a ton more money than he was, then I would have gladly helped. The way I see it (and FI sees it), his money and my money is really OUR money anyway, or at least will be by the time we get married. And at that point it doesn't matter whose paycheck a gift comes out of, just that the meaning is there.

What about it, guys? Anybody out there want to weigh in? Give us your male opinion.

Welllllll. I'm 100% female but I can speak for FI. He was NONE TOO PLEASED when I asked to change the setting on my ring and I offered to pay for it. He tried to act big like "I don't care", but I could sense the hurt in his voice. So I dropped it. He recently asked me, "You do love your ring, right?" And I could honestly say yes, because it was what he loved and that fact, plus that he bought it for ME, I love it and never take it off.

Not all guys are probably like that though, so I can see where Tbe is coming from.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 12/14/2007 3:00:42 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
See, I''m all for a woman paying for a portion of her own engagement ring since it is a symbol of combinging your lives--but it''s important that both members of the couple are happy with that. I didn''t want an e-ring, but it meant something to DH and I appreciated that. I wanted to pay for a portion of it (I felt having him pay was an antiquated tradition that was sexist, haha), but it was important to him to pay for it and I appreciated that. So long as I get to pay for my own jewelry from here on out and he didn''t spend much Anyway, in this case it does sound like it was important for him to pick it out himself--hence why he never asked--and plan the whole thing so it was a surprise.

And that is something to be appreciated

I couldn''t agree more, esp with the part in bold. To me, these aren''t the "good old days." We are so close to the point where our finances are the same. His money is mine and vice versa. He is buying a ring with OUR money, not HIS money. It''s about what WE are willing to sacrifice, not HIM.

 

[Kayakqueen83]

"We all love the gorgeous rings here on PS; drooling is a favorite pastime. But, none of us married a diamond. A diamond will not love and adore us, no matter how much we love it."

Oh I love this!

 

[kennyg]

I''m a male and lurking because I am going to propose very soon and just got all the pieces to the ring today. I read the first post and skimmed the rest, so apologies if I missed something in-between. You sound really sweet about how you love him in spite of being disappointed by the proposal and ring. That''s important.

I think men have a lot of pressure to go over the top on a proposal the way it is done in the movies. I think younger men (early 20''s) feel that pressure more than guys like me in their early 30s who figure out what is really important in life (at least I hope I have). If I placed myself in his shoes, it sounds like after your brief conversation about wanting to get married, he must have been thinking the whole process had to be a surprise like in the movies. He must have gone shopping and been excited about buying the ring for you. In the best case scenario he went to a ton of stores, possibly asked your friends for advice, and tried to put together a ring for you. In the worst-case scenario he got so excited by the sparkly thing the salesperson showed him and so excited about giving it to you that he bought the first one he saw. Only rarely does a guy who wants to marry someone act lazy about it and sort of pops into a jewelry store to pick up a ring like he would some groceries. Most guys are thinking of you when they buy something like that, no matter how much or how little the effort "seems" on the surface.

The dinner proposal the way you described it seemed as if he was getting a task done and the feeling/romanticism wasn''t there. I bet that was because he was nervous as hell about it. A lot of people (men and women I know) hide their nervousness by focusing on the process more than anything else. I bet to hide his nervousness he just focused on "step 1: go to dinner; step 2: show her box; step 3: ask her; step 4: don''t dip sleeve in butter dish. . ." etc. At least that''s what I picture when you said it felt "sterile".

So you don''t love the proposal or the ring. That''s ok. But you love him which you made clear. And proposals are meant to be memorable - you''ll remember this one for as long as you live! I don''t mean that badly, I mean that in a good way. If you want to feel the romance, ask him about the process - what was he thinking when he went to the store? Why did he select that ring for you? Why did he decide that day? Extract his thoughts from him and I bet you''ll find it romantic about the way he thought about you at each step, and that you will actually learn a great deal about him. Eventually when he gets more comfortable with the process and figures out that life doesn''t have to imitate the movies, you both might actually find this moment a great (potentially funny if you can tease each other comfortably) story to share with everyone!

And you don''t have to apologize for your ring or your moment as in "he got this ring, we''ll probably upgrade in the future, but it was cute". That''s ok but it doesn''t convey what you were trying to convey between your disappointment - that you still love him. The story should really be more like "he was so cute, he thought I would like this because . . . and I love him for it. He also told me how nervous he was at dinner and I loved that he was nervous even though we''ve been together for so long. . ." etc. That is, focus on the part of the story that is great - he was thinking of you!

Hope that helps.

 

[October2008bride]

Date: 12/14/2007 2:28:57 PM
Author: krisvrn

Date: 12/14/2007 2:12:40 PM
Author: October2008bride

Date: 12/14/2007 1:37:05 PM
Author: krisvrn
Hello. I will be honest and have a different response as the others. Get over it! I think you are focusing too much on the proposal and the ring. You need to look at how much he loves you and how he gave you a ring while he is still a student. The proposal is one day. Your life together is forever. (hopefully) You are focusing too much on the ''little'' stuff and not the big picture.

The ring issue- you can gently tell him that you would like to upgrade it someday. It sounds like to me you are embarrashed about the ring. (not a good sign) .

Sorry to say this but I think your bf is a good man. He must be very understanding as I perceive you as a difficult person.

Congrats aaaaaaaa on the proposal! It''s really exciting!!

I agree with most of what has been posted above, however I do disagree with the idea that you can gently tell him that you would like to upgrade someday. I think us PS''ers get a little jaded or desensitized to this issue because many of us on here did most of the searching/work etc to get the ring, and we forget that some men dream of a surprise proposal as much as we do being engaged/getting a ring etc.

The proposal was HIS moment - it is the one thing related to weddings that was all about him. His timeline, his vision of what he wanted to get you/could get you. PLEASE don''t ruin it for him and ask for an upgrade already. I think he would be devastated. He obviously wants to marry you!! He took you to a nice restaurant as a treat with that gift certificate, and unfortunately it wasn''t a perfect location. But to him, what was perfect, was that the woman he loved was sitting across the table and he didn''t want you to wait any longer!!! I think that is very romantic!!

What is even MORE romantic is that you didn''t have to push him to do it! No hounding him with pictures, or discussions about size/cut etc. No deadlines. No threats. (Ahem...I may have some experience with this). He wants to marry you so badly that he went out, on his own, and bought the best ring he could so that you would know that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

A .5 carat ring is nothing to sneeze at, but, as a size whore myself, I can understand your desire to have something bigger down the road. Just wait on it for a while. You can always upgrade later, but if you do it now, I think he will be crushed.

PLUS you can always upgrade later when you are both working, and hopefully you can keep this ring as a sentimental reminder of how much your husband loved you!!!

Anyways - my advice is to maybe do something romantic this weekend. Just the two of you. Something that isn''t forced or anything - just something that the two of you usually do. Go to a coffee shop and just drink lattes and talk and read the paper all morning long. Breakfast in bed. Go for a hike. Put up a Christmas/Holiday tree. Do something that will remind you both of what an exciting time this is and how lucky you are to have such an amazing guy as a fiance!

I think we all have similar messages here, look at the big picture and what is TRUELY important.

Why do you disagree with my comment about gently telling him you want an upgraged someday?? Arent we both saying the same thing?? I highlighted what you said above??

I don''t have any issues with the concept of upgrading - I was under the impression you were suggesting she gently mention the thought of an upgrade NOW - which I think is not a good move. Talking about it way down the road is a different story in my mind.

I think it was my reading of your comment. There is a difference between "you can gently tell him that you would like to upgrade it someday" and "you can gently tell him that you would like to upgrade it, someday".

I thought you meant the first option.

I just don''t think now is the time to bring that up. Example (and not even close to the importance of an e-ring) I''d be crushed if I got my FI a tv, worked really hard to save up as much as I could, and as soon as he opened it he said "thanks, but we can upgrade this someday right?" Whereas if he just loved it (or accepted it and appreciated teh sentiment) and 5 years later said "let''s upgrade", it would be more acceptable in my eyes.

Just my 2 cents!