Extremely upset ... I hate my proposal and my engagement ring

[HollyS]

Date: 12/14/2007 4:30:21 PM
Author: MoonWater

Date: 12/14/2007 3:00:42 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
See, I''m all for a woman paying for a portion of her own engagement ring since it is a symbol of combinging your lives--but it''s important that both members of the couple are happy with that. I didn''t want an e-ring, but it meant something to DH and I appreciated that. I wanted to pay for a portion of it (I felt having him pay was an antiquated tradition that was sexist, haha), but it was important to him to pay for it and I appreciated that. So long as I get to pay for my own jewelry from here on out and he didn''t spend much Anyway, in this case it does sound like it was important for him to pick it out himself--hence why he never asked--and plan the whole thing so it was a surprise.

And that is something to be appreciated

I couldn''t agree more, esp with the part in bold. To me, these aren''t the ''good old days.'' We are so close to the point where our finances are the same. His money is mine and vice versa. He is buying a ring with OUR money, not HIS money. It''s about what WE are willing to sacrifice, not HIM.

Webster''s dictionary defines proposal as "an offer of marriage". Women do not propose to themselves; and, specifically, this young lady was proposed to. This is not something they discussed and planned every step of the way, together. They did not decide to combine their funds; he decided he wanted to *propose*. This was VERY important to him, or he would not have done it that way. He knows she makes the money; he knows she could afford whatever she wanted; he''s hoping she''ll want what he was able to give her. He wants to know that it''s okay with her if he isn''t on the same earning level with her. He very likely does not want her to wear a ring now that everyone will know HE could not afford, and probably DID NOT buy. Perhaps, later, when they are on a more level earning field, an upgrade for an anniversary is something he will want to do for her. Notice how I believe he will still want to be the gifter, not a co-buyer.

For goodness sake''s everyone -- the man took the initiative and proposed -- without any wailing and gnashing of teeth on her part! Give the guy some props! And it''s not like he went to Zales and bought a promise ring for TLOG!

 

[kennyg]

I should also add - I learned this from my fiance-to-be. I had a few "flubs" while we were dating - I think for Christmas I got her a few CDs and DVDs. To her it may have seemed like I just went to the store, bought what was on sale, and said "here". But the truth is I spent a lot of time with my brother thinking about what to get her etc., trying to ferret out hints of what she wants, and I kept overthinking things. It got down to the wire and I had to get her something, so I got her music and some movies I really thought she''d like. It didn''t have the effect I''d hope - I think I read somewhere here some woman wanting to dry hump her guy. That would be a good effect.

But I never feel bad or dumb around her, she always comments on what she loves about me. It''s great. But I also now know that when she talks about me more than the gift she doesn''t like the gift Later I overheard her talking about a necklace she loved. 2 months later for Valentines day I had the necklace. I was so excited I just kept hinting I had a "surprise" for her. Her first gut reaction was "oh, is it DVDs?" I said in mock surprise as if she figured it out "I''m not saying!" She replied "oh, well I love you." That cracked me up - she resigned herself to loving me instead of the gift (which is not bad). I teased her that day so she thought they were DVDs, but not cruelly, we still had fun that day. Right before dinner she was so surprised by the necklace! She wore it continuously for months before the novelty/fun of it wore off. Bottom line - all these "once in a lifetime" moments can be made memorable, and sometimes flubs make things even more memorable.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I do completely agree, Holly S--my point was that while many women are happy to pay for a portion of their ring, unless it''s something you''re both happy with, it won''t work. In this case I agree that doing this himself was something that was really important to him and that should be appreciated.

Also, I do think he should be applauded for buying something that he could afford and not going into debt due to pressure to get a larger stone! There is just too much pressure on men these days to outdo everybody else, it''s maddening.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 12/14/2007 4:58:23 PM
Author: HollyS

Date: 12/14/2007 4:30:21 PM
Author: MoonWater

Date: 12/14/2007 3:00:42 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
See, I'm all for a woman paying for a portion of her own engagement ring since it is a symbol of combinging your lives--but it's important that both members of the couple are happy with that. I didn't want an e-ring, but it meant something to DH and I appreciated that. I wanted to pay for a portion of it (I felt having him pay was an antiquated tradition that was sexist, haha), but it was important to him to pay for it and I appreciated that. So long as I get to pay for my own jewelry from here on out and he didn't spend much Anyway, in this case it does sound like it was important for him to pick it out himself--hence why he never asked--and plan the whole thing so it was a surprise.

And that is something to be appreciated

I couldn't agree more, esp with the part in bold. To me, these aren't the 'good old days.' We are so close to the point where our finances are the same. His money is mine and vice versa. He is buying a ring with OUR money, not HIS money. It's about what WE are willing to sacrifice, not HIM.

Webster's dictionary defines proposal as 'an offer of marriage'. Women do not propose to themselves; and, specifically, this young lady was proposed to. This is not something they discussed and planned every step of the way, together. They did not decide to combine their funds; he decided he wanted to *propose*. This was VERY important to him, or he would not have done it that way. He knows she makes the money; he knows she could afford whatever she wanted; he's hoping she'll want what he was able to give her. He wants to know that it's okay with her if he isn't on the same earning level with her. He very likely does not want her to wear a ring now that everyone will know HE could not afford, and probably DID NOT buy. Perhaps, later, when they are on a more level earning field, an upgrade for an anniversary is something he will want to do for her. Notice how I believe he will still want to be the gifter, not a co-buyer.

For goodness sake's everyone -- the man took the initiative and proposed -- without any wailing and gnashing of teeth on her part! Give the guy some props! And it's not like he went to Zales and bought a promise ring for TLOG!

That's fine and all (and since when do we go to a dictionary for these type of issues...let me go look up love now

) My comments were specifically aimed at the idea that a man should be the only one responsible for the ring. That it will emasculate him. That it will damage his self esteem (sounds like he needs therapy). I mean, give me a break! It is not the 1950s. Many couples have made agreements about their relationship and their finances before hand. It is not always HIS money and it is definitely not all about HIS feelings. Obviously it should be a discussion between two people, and like it was stated before, agreed upon by those two people. This obviously has nothing to do with the OP, but your comments were general, not specific to her. I responded accordingly.

 

[Skippy123]

3 pages later and where is AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?????

ETA: Glad you came back

I like your response, congrats!

 

[louisvgirl]

It''s good to hear it from a man''s perspective.........the whole thing about asking what he was feeling , thinking, during the whole process, would definitely shed some new light.

 

[Mara]

To whomever said something along the lines of 'be thankful that you were even asked'...are you serious? That implies something along the lines of 'Gosh aren't you lucky someone actually wants to marry you'. I think in any relationship, BOTH parties are lucky to have each other. Not that the chick is lucky if the guy decides that he deigns to ask her to marry him.

Also...I almost feel like many times on here we get two views. One is the younger and somewhat financially independent females who are in their 20's and 30's who are possibly getting married later in life...and then there are the older, been married for a long time women who may have gotten married at a young age to their now-spouse of many years.

Many times the older women say 'be thankful, be grateful, i got a melee when we were married 30 years ago and i loved it, i would never dream of upgrading', etc. As fabulous as that is for them...I think that this generation and today's women are VERY DIFFERENT from those days. I know when my parents got married, my Mom had a 1/2c which was probably huge at the time. She never upgraded, but she did lose that ring about 10 years ago while walking, and got a 1ctw 5 stone ring and doesn't really think about upgrading. It's not important to her. She does have other jewelry though. On the other hand, me, I had definite ideas on what I wanted, knew about how much things cost, knew what we could afford...and I was a little older and so was Greg and I just think we have a different relationship and at a different time and world than parents did. So when I got my ring and wasn't entirely over the moon, I wanted to change it.

It seems like many times on here the older, marriedlongtime ladies act like younger people nowadays are spoiled, selfish, whatever. In reality, I just feel like it's different expectations and that has to do with how people are raised now, so much more 'priveleged' in most cases than when these other individuals were younger. Even my 17 year old sister now is way more privileged than I was when I was her age. I do feel like sometimes people are a little more spoiled than we all used to be, but I don't feel like it invalidates how people feel.

You can't entirely discount someone's feelings just because it might be gauche to speak up. You can't tamp down your feelings when you are in a relationship, it just doesn't work. EVENTUALLY they boil up and out and it can be very bad. So I feel like while the OP should respect her bf and the fact that he tried, even if it wasn't what she wanted, she has to also be true to herself and her feelings in some manner as well.

 

[cara]

This is why I hate the whole canard about the "symbolism" of the surprise proposal and the perfect guy being able to pick out the perfect ring for his girl because, if he loves her and is right for her, he will be able to read her mind on jewelry preferences AND orchestrate the most romantic and surprising evening on which to ask her hand. And the girl''s job is to wait, wait, wait, but somehow not forsee this proposal coming!

It''s an impossible standard, with problems even when executed well!

On the upside, at least you were not waiting and waiting! Visit the LIW thread to see what fun you missed! Trust me, after years of waiting there was a time when I would have preferred the proposal at a crowded pizza parlor to more waiting!

I think it is best to forget your disappointment in your actual proposal evening. That is water under the bridge. Plan a romantic getaway weekend to surprise your guy with as a thank-you/celebration weekend to somewhere he and you would enjoy pronto! That should help fix those memories.

And I would think long and hard about the best method of rectifying the ring disapointment.

For some couples, the right solution would be to bring it up right away and fix it. Call this the method for direct couples and for thick-skinned guys.

For some couples, the guy has invested too much and it might not be the best plan to bring it up right away. Waiting has risks as well (ie. you will have to muster some actual real enthusiasm for your current ring - nothing sucks worse than the embarrassed-here''s-my-ring-i-don''t-like look from a recently engaged woman asked to display the evidence). But if you can appreciate your current ring and see the benefits to your guy''s ego in waiting for an upgrade or a nice RHR, this might be the approach.

ps. to the pp that says a girl should not contribute to her ring - hogwash. That''s between her and the guy involved. Works for some couples, not for others. Doesn''t matter longterm in most cases as the money will merge after the wedding anyway. You think the married woman is not affected if her husband used his bachelor savings for her ring OR is still paying it off?

 

[aaaaaaaaa]

Thanks to everyone. I am starting to feel much much better about the whole situation. He loves me so much (and I love him) and that is the most important. We will have a happy and wonderful life together (actually we pretty much already have that) ... and the ring really is beautiful (I will post pictures over the weekend - at work now) even though it is not the size I would have chosen.

I am definitely not going to suggest an upgrade (probably ever) - too hurtful to him and this ring means so much to me as he chose it - he was so happy when I said it was beautiful. This board has been SO great for letting me get my initial ugly feelings out (I dread to think how easily and quickly I could have turned this happy occasion into something really ugly, disappointing and heartbreaking for BOTH of us). That said, although I am 100% over the proposa (and I will try to plan something really romantic to enjoy together this wkend - perhaps a walk in the park), I am not 100% over the ring but hopefully moving in that direction (plus - I think the idea re choosing a really great wedding band/eternity band later down the track is perfect and satisfy my desire for some more sparkle . I am going to keep reminding myself of all the thoughts posted here re ring.

What a drama!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I'm so glad you're feeling better!! Thanks for checking back in! We can't wait to see pictures of the beautiful ring and I think it's a great idea to wait and see how you feel after letting all of this settle--there are so many options for a wedding band, you'll find something you love!

 

[Maisie]

I will be looking out for hand shots of this lovely ring!!

 

[FrekeChild]

Being that I''m very new to this board and own one diamond that''s...minuscule, to be generous, I feel weird to be posting after lurking for so long.

My mom and dad never got engaged. She never had an e-ring. They just started planning a wedding. What''s funny is that she always gave him hell (telling him that he must not think she''s worth a diamond--for YEARS)and finally for their 27th wedding anniversary I told him that it was only going to get worse and that he should just get it over with. So we went diamond shopping. We ended up picking out a 1.5 ct princess solitaire in a yellow band. But how he gave it to her was the best part-he woke up at 4:45 (I was up at 4 sitting in the living room waiting for them) and placed the bag with the ring box in it next to her coffee pot, she stumbled in without her glasses, moved the bag aside to get at her coffee and he had to tell her to open it. When she did, and I could only hear- being that it was dark and I was in the next room- these were the words that came out of her mouth: "Holy shi- Is that thing real?!" with a response of a chuckled: "Yeah."

It should be noted that my father is a divorce attorney, but she never once questioned their relationship because of the lack of a diamond. As far as I can tell, she''s never once questioned their relationship at all. And neither has he.

I actually don''t even want a diamond e-ring. Well I wouldn''t turn one down, but my boyfriend is a student as well-and he just can''t afford what he thinks I want. We looked at diamonds last February and the biggest he could afford would be .5 carat-and it''s from a jewelry store at the mall, but after thinking about it I decided that I''ve never been a diamond girl anyway, at least a white diamond girl, and that I''d prefer to have something like what I wear now on a day to day basis. I''ve actually written out specs/ drawn out a diagram as to the e-ring I want and it''s a blue topaz in platinum. What I want someday is a blue diamond-but I don''t want that until far into the future, when we can safely afford it.

I really think that you should be happy this man wants to spend his life with you. Right now I live with my boyfriend, and we''ve been through a tremendous amount of emotional as well as physical (open heart surgery for him) stress, and I would be absolutely thrilled if he proposed with a piece of string. Plus, I have Ring Pops on our kitchen table if he feels so inclined.

But honestly--this is about the fact that he can''t live without you. Be happy that he''s chosen you.

 

[Girlrocks]

A friend of mine several years (and husbands unfortunately for her) ago, was in a similar situation. She and her fiance together purchased on of those wraps to go around the solitaire to jazz it up a bit. Then, she got a seperate wedding band when they got married. It really made a huge difference, and her fiance was not offended in the least.

 

[littledebbie]

Well, I''m not male either. But I thought I''d chime in. I am so sorry to hear that your proposal and ring were not what you were hoping for. To be honest, most guys if left to their own devices would do exactly what your fiance did. Find a ring that they think is pretty. Buy it. Then propose at the first opportunity. Most men just don''t get it. Having said that, there are really only two things to honestly ask yourself:

1. Am I crazy in love with this man and thrilled to be marrying him?

2. Was your fiance trying his best to make you happy when he bought you this ring and surprised you with it and a proposal?

If your answers to these questions are yes, then congratulations. You have found yourself a wonderful guy. That''s really the most important thing. I know, I know. It would be great to have it all. We all want that. But life seldom works that way. In time maybe you guys will be able to laugh about this. My husband and I have been married 14 years and now we laugh about things that we got upset over when we were first married. It takes a while to understand each others personalities and how to give and take with each other.

When I was in college, most of the girls that I knew got engaged with diamonds in the 1/4 carat range. Your 1/2 carat ring would have been a rock. I know you are not in college, but maybe these are the size rings he is exposed to around campus and so he thought that 1/2 carat would be plenty big.

Gosh, I really don''t know what you should do about not being happy with your ring. You know your fiance better than anyone on this board. Would he be open to exchanging the ring (if the store has a return policy)? Just writing that made me feel like that would be humiliating for him to be accompanying you back to the store like he was a failure, picking out the wrong ring. If only there was a way that it could be his idea. I just don''t see how to switch rings right now. Down the road maybe, but not now. Maybe when you go to pick out wedding bands, you could hint that for your 5 year anniversary, you''d like such-and-such (whatever kind of ring it is you really want). So it will get it into his head nice and early that it is something you want to do in the future.

Well I wish you the best. And really, try to focus on this wonderful guy you have and look forward with excitement to the future you will build together.

 

[Gypsy]

I'd didn't get the proposal I was hoping for either... at ALL actually. Ours is now a source of much humor between us, however.

As for the ring. I think .5 is a nice size for a student budget, and I think it speaks well for him to have wanted to get you the ring from his own money. It says to me that he wants to take responsibility for what is for him to do, and that he doesn't want to live off of you forever. That's a thing to cherish and encourage.

And for a future anniversary, I think .5 would make a fantastic side stone in a three stone upgrade-- with a 1.5 or 2 carat center.

BTW... for the record. HollyS is completely right in my opinion, too.

 

[peridot83]

Edit: SO sorry!! Somehow missed you had already replied before I coud get this out, I guess I'll leave it around for posterity's sake

So this may be me putting my situation onto other people, but I get where you are coming from. It sounds like this proposal was truly a surprise to you, and you wish it hadn't been a surprise so you could at least hint what you wanted.

Every woman is different, and while some may think it's totally romantic that he proposed before you could start hinting what you wanted, this personally would not work for me. I am definitely not the sentimental type who would be like oh i hate this, but since it's from BF that's ok!

I have very specific ideas about what I want and how I want it, and in the beginning of our relationship, received a few gifts from BF that was like ...gosh don't you know my taste at all? I even used to worry that this was some larger sign that our relationship was not going to work, since his ideas about what a special event would be like, or what a present is were so DIFFERENT from my own.

Then I had to realize that no, he's not going to ever get my taste, but it's cause i'm freakin' picky not because it has anything to do with our compatability. Now that we have both come to that understanding, he surprises me with small sentimental gifts, but anything big he tries to field with me first.

I agree that the proposal is something you can get over and move past from. (as long as it doesn't become a symbol of some lack of understanding in your relationship). But as many have already said, the ring is more difficult since you will be wearing it for quite some time.

It sounds from your post, that you already know he would NOT be very appreciative if you brought it up....and that's what's giving you the angst. But have you gone through this process before? While I know an engagement ring is different from other presents, my BF has been through this song and dance before (i.e. returning a gift, and me using some of my own money to upgrade it to something I wanted).

If it has happened before, was he really resentful, or more like haha that's my girl? If it was resentful, it sounds like you may have to live with the ring OR risk a big rift in your relationship to work it out (which may be worth it to you, rather than wearing something you don't love and having to LIE about how much you like it).

Good luck! There's no easy decision with this =/

 

[Mara]

Date: 12/14/2007 5:37:19 PM
Author: Gypsy

And for a future anniversary, I think .5 would make a fantastic side stone in a three stone upgrade-- with a 1.5 or 2 carat center.

Yeah for anniversary #1.

 

[dolphingirl22]

San Diego Lady,

I have read your propsal story several times and I just have to ask...do you still have the straw?

 

[HollyS]

Date: 12/14/2007 5:16:58 PM
Author: aaaaaaaaa
Thanks to everyone. I am starting to feel much much better about the whole situation. He loves me so much (and I love him) and that is the most important. We will have a happy and wonderful life together (actually we pretty much already have that) ... and the ring really is beautiful (I will post pictures over the weekend - at work now) even though it is not the size I would have chosen.

I am definitely not going to suggest an upgrade (probably ever) - too hurtful to him and this ring means so much to me as he chose it - he was so happy when I said it was beautiful. This board has been SO great for letting me get my initial ugly feelings out (I dread to think how easily and quickly I could have turned this happy occasion into something really ugly, disappointing and heartbreaking for BOTH of us). That said, although I am 100% over the proposa (and I will try to plan something really romantic to enjoy together this wkend - perhaps a walk in the park), I am not 100% over the ring but hopefully moving in that direction (plus - I think the idea re choosing a really great wedding band/eternity band later down the track is perfect and satisfy my desire for some more sparkle . I am going to keep reminding myself of all the thoughts posted here re ring.

What a drama!

Thank you for proving that you are a level-headed young woman who can count to ten, and take a deep breath, and realize what''s really important. Congratulations on your engagement; may you have a long and happy marriage.

 

[louisvgirl]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I''m glad your doing better...You have yourself a great romantic weeked.....can''t wait to see pictures...

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 12/14/2007 2:34:43 PM
Author: dolphingirl22

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Be happy with your half carat. Better yet, be happy someone asked you.

I''d like to be asked....

Seems to me that this problem started as a lack of communication....

1) A 1/2 carat stone is about average for what I see on my friends, women at work, etc. It''s not small but not so large where people are going to look at it and assume that it''s not real (we''ve all seen the kind I''m talking about -- the ones where you look and think, "That cannot possibly be a real stone...do you know what that would cost if it were real?"). I have seen some impossibly large cocktail-type rings on women I know -- women who drive average cars, shop at Wal-Mart, have starter-sized houses, etc. You know whose ring is probably real and whose is probably not based on their general economics. A 1/2 carat is believeable at any income level. I''d rather have believeable and affordable. And as another poster echoed, wear your ring a while. You may find that it grows on you. And if it doesn''t, wait a year or so and ask your fiance if you can have a halo reset, a wrap or an anniversary band to go with it. Waiting to see minimizes any potential hurt feelings on his part. If he''s a student, a 1/2 carat stone was a financial sacrafice for him, and you should appreciate that. A man who sacrifices money to buy something for you, when he could just as soon buy something for himself, really loves you. Seriously, if you wanted a big stone and knew he couldn''t afford one, a good idea may have been to suggest something diamond-like - such as a faceted white sapphire - that would make you both happy.

2) While I agree that the proposal and ring are not the main things here, I sympathize with the original poster about being hurt about the proposal. Something similar happened to me with my now-ex-husband. The only difference was that I told him in advance what I wanted and he completely ignored it. He acted as if proposing to me was doing me a favor or saving me. If the proposal was that important to you, you really should have told him in advance - because otherwise, he could not have known. Even though you didn''t say something to him, I do feel for your being hurt.

Is there a way that you can talk to him about all of this - not immediately; maybe wait a week or so until your emotions mellow? I can share an example from personal experience that would illustrate how this can be done tactfully and without being hurtful or emasculating.

The first Valentine''s Day I spent with my boyfriend, I had wanted to go out for a romantic dinner. I didn''t expect him to spend a lot of money, but I would have liked to get flowers at work or a simple present, like maybe a pair of earrings or a handwritten poem (he is a musician who writes the words to all of his band''s music, so poetry comes easy to him). I didn''t think I needed to say anything to him, because I''m a

kind of girl, and I gush over anything romantic. But I feel greedy asking for things. WELL...I didn''t get flowers at work. He asked me to go over his house after work, and when I did, I asked him if we were going anywhere or doing anything. He looked at me with a blank face and said, "Huh?" I had gotten him a card and a little present, which I handed him and said, "Happy Valentine''s Day." And he said, "Oh. You''re not into that stuff, are you?" And I was stunned! Just then, his daughter (who was 12 at the time) came bounding out of her room and said, "Daddy, what''s for dinner?" So he said, "Well, do you want to get something to eat?" And I said, "OK." I ended up having dinner with him and his daughter at the 99 Restaurant. I assumed (notice that word again?) that he and I would do something romantic (and alone) that weekend. It soon became apparent that he intended to do nothing. And to top it off, my boyfriend''s daughter threw a tantrum over not being allowed to order a big sundae after the meal (she has ADD/ADHD and a few other psychological issues - her behavior is 3-4 years behind where she should be) - which included her kicking me hard under the table. When we got back to his house, I thanked him for dinner and told him I was going home. He could tell I was upset, and when he asked, I told him, "Let me compose my thoughts and cool off and then we can talk, OK?" When we talked a few days later, I said something to the effect of:

"I know that you didn''t think Valentine''s was important to me, but it is. It''s my fault for not saying anything before, so I am saying it now. I am a romantic and want to celebrate Valentine''s alone with you. It doesn''t have to be expensive or fancy, but I want it to be with you ONLY - no kids. Your son is 17, so it''s not like your daughter would be left alone. It could be as simple as an hour out of the house to have a drink around the corner. I also don''t need expensive presents, but it would mean a lot if you got me flowers or something small. I am not mad at you, but I am really upset over how the day happened and don''t know what to do about it. I think it''s important to use the day for what it was intended - to spend time together and show that you love each other."

The last line put the ball in his court. He thought about it for a second, acknowledged that he should have put more effort into Valentines....and he came out with, "I was a dope -- I mean, what woman isn''t it important to?" -- and surprised me that weekend with 2 dozen roses and a nice dinner at a restaurant I''d wanted to go to. He even asked the server ahead of time to bring out their Valentine''s menu so I could have the dinner that others had on that day. Although you can''t re-do a proposal, you could have a talk with him about how you are thrilled that he asked you and that you realize it''s not his dault and that he tried, but that you wish the evening at the restaurant had gone differently. He may ask you to clarify....and maybe you can do something special to cement the proposal in a "better" way. Not like a re-do (I think re-do''s are wrong), but doing something special to celebrate your engagement. Maybe you can have a little get-together - nothing huge...maybe a dinner or cocktails with friends and family? Celebrating the fact that you are engaged might help the sting of things gone wrong. I know that I forgot about the Valentine''s flub once we actually did get out alone and did something special.

I learned after my experience to COMMUNICATE with my boyfriend explicitly when there is something I want/expect. And I also put a lot of effort into voicing things in terms of how I feel, as opposed to blaming or insinuating that something was someone''s fault. Think of this as a learning experience - and maybe consider seeing a couples therapist to learn how to communicate with each other more effectively.

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[Maisie]

Date: 12/14/2007 5:33:59 PM
Author: SanDiegoLady

Ok, I have to play a little devil’s advocate here. You keep saying you love this man. That’s wonderful. You should love the man you plan to marry. Apparently he thought that you would love this part of him as well. He’s doesn’t have a job and he thought so much of you he bought you a De Beers diamond? Well, you lucky girl!

My husband proposed to me in a hospital gown, on his knees with an IV pole in tow. Was it romantic? Not necessarily and I didn’t even hear it . And I wore a fake silver and cz three stone ring for over two years that we bought from what is now Macy’s before he could afford to buy me a “rea”l diamond. By the way, he proposed with a straw he’d made into a ring from his hospital dinner tray.

The diamond we ended up getting was not what I wanted either but it was what was affordable for him. And, because of him I love it and him. I figure over the course of the next fifty years, I’ll get my fair share of jewelry.

I don’t know you, I don’t know or really care what you make but if this is a set up for future disappointments for you, you need to evaluate what is and is not important. That ring to him was important enough to buy for you without having had a job. Realize its not just the ring, but what it means that is important. Maybe he didn''t listen as well as you might have liked him to regarding the ring of your dreams but he is not employed and this is from his heart.

While I talk about the “ring of my dreams”, size, shape and setting that I may have “preferred”.. I love my husband because he gave THIS one to me. And had it been a simple band, I’d still have loved it just as much.

Life is far more than the present.. think about the long term. He loves you. What if something happened tomorrow and you still had that ring he gave to you out of love.. would you still think about it in the same manner you are today?

Talk to him.. if you love eachother you can make the best out of the situation.

*eta, I haven''t yet been able to read every post before this one..

 

[HollyS]

And Mara,

I''m an older, financially independent, just married, (not married for eons), gal. Who chose her ring and diamond with her BF. I still didn''t pay for it myself. It was, however, important to him that he actually pick up the ring when it was ready, and then plan a proposal with it. I didn''t need it - he did. No matter how evolved we think we are as couples, some people are still traditionalists and want to do things the old-fashioned way.

 

[Pandora II]

One of the things I feel is so healthy about this board is how people can use it to vent when they are down, upset, or worried - and in doing that relieve those pent-up angry, disappointed or whatever feelings without affecting anyone in their real life.

I totally understand your disappointment, and I think you are coming here to deal with those feelings so as not to hurt your FI.

Getting engaged is a moment that we all dream about - and it is rarely how we imagine.

When my FI proposed I was in my pj''s, no make-up, hadn''t even brushed my hair as I''d been slobbing around all day wrapping christmas presents. He didn''t get down on one knee, or say anything romantic - he didn''t even ask me in spoken words till an hour later - but he had put so much effort into the proposal I was blown away - and it was very us. My first words were - Oh my god, have I forced you into this?

He didn''t want to get married as he dislikes the concept - so I was so happy that he loved me enough to put his feelings aside to make me happy.

I had always told him I wanted to design my own ring - so the proposal came first and the ring later.

Its very obvious that you love your FI a great deal. Trust me, you will look back on your proposal with fondness in the future. I would plan a secret weekend away somewhere romantic to celebrate and have the ''non-sterile'' moments without his nerves in the way.

Please don''t ever tell him how you feel - there is a thread over in the proposal section from a guy who proposed and his girlfriend said he''d done it all wrong and wanted another one. He was wondering if he really wanted to marry her at all anymore.

I know the future upgrade thing is a tricky one. I wanted my e-ring to be for life and I''m very lucky to have had the chance to design something I''ll love for ever. If you are sentimental like that it is harder to reconcile yourself to the reality rather than your dream.

That said, it is DE BEERS - it''s not like he went to Zales and picked you out a 2ct piece of frozen spit!

Your FI is definitely a keeper. Take some time to get over your disappointment - and then get planning the wedding! If you long for a bigger stone - diamond pendants look so much better with some size to them!

By the way - where are our pictures!!!

 

[Mara]

Date: 12/14/2007 6:22:20 PM
Author: HollyS
And Mara,

I'm an older, financially independent, just married, (not married for eons), gal. Who chose her ring and diamond with her BF. I still didn't pay for it myself. It was, however, important to him that he actually pick up the ring when it was ready, and then plan a proposal with it. I didn't need it - he did. No matter how evolved we think we are as couples, some people are still traditionalists and want to do things the old-fashioned way.

Good for you Holly! I made no mention of people having/not having evolved...just that it's literally a different time. And sure of course people are going to be more traditional and some more modern. I chose my diamond and ring with my now husband as well which I consider more modern. He picked it up, planned and proposed to me which is more traditional. Of course what I mentioned is not an absolute about young vs older kind of thing. I just notice that many times those who say certain things can be lumped into one camp or the other. Not always.

In my opinion, there are no hard and fast rules when it comes to something like a proposal or a ring. It was obvious in the first post that the OP loves her man, loves that he did this for her but was frank about not loving the proposal or ring. I don't think that means anything other than what it is.

 

[joflier]

Date: 12/14/2007 5:51:12 PM
Author: SanDiegoLady

Date: 12/14/2007 5:41:56 PM
Author: dolphingirl22
San Diego Lady,

I have read your propsal story several times and I just have to ask...do you still have the straw?

I absolutely do. I also have the fakey three stone ring they sit together in my JEWELRY box. They are in fact, two of the most precious things I own. They are my memory makers and I love them.

Thats sooo sweet!!! Just curious, did you tell anyone it was a fake(the cz, not the straw)

, or were they fooled?

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 12/14/2007 6:22:20 PM
Author: HollyS
And Mara,

I'm an older, financially independent, just married, (not married for eons), gal. Who chose her ring and diamond with her BF. I still didn't pay for it myself. It was, however, important to him that he actually pick up the ring when it was ready, and then plan a proposal with it. I didn't need it - he did. No matter how evolved we think we are as couples, some people are still traditionalists and want to do things the old-fashioned way.

And it's important to realize, remember, and respect that not all people or couples are like this.

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 12/14/2007 4:58:23 PM
Author: HollyS

Date: 12/14/2007 4:30:21 PM
Author: MoonWater

Date: 12/14/2007 3:00:42 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
See, I''m all for a woman paying for a portion of her own engagement ring since it is a symbol of combinging your lives--but it''s important that both members of the couple are happy with that. I didn''t want an e-ring, but it meant something to DH and I appreciated that. I wanted to pay for a portion of it (I felt having him pay was an antiquated tradition that was sexist, haha), but it was important to him to pay for it and I appreciated that. So long as I get to pay for my own jewelry from here on out and he didn''t spend much Anyway, in this case it does sound like it was important for him to pick it out himself--hence why he never asked--and plan the whole thing so it was a surprise.

And that is something to be appreciated

I couldn''t agree more, esp with the part in bold. To me, these aren''t the ''good old days.'' We are so close to the point where our finances are the same. His money is mine and vice versa. He is buying a ring with OUR money, not HIS money. It''s about what WE are willing to sacrifice, not HIM.

Webster''s dictionary defines proposal as ''an offer of marriage''. Women do not propose to themselves; and, specifically, this young lady was proposed to. This is not something they discussed and planned every step of the way, together. They did not decide to combine their funds; he decided he wanted to *propose*. This was VERY important to him, or he would not have done it that way. He knows she makes the money; he knows she could afford whatever she wanted; he''s hoping she''ll want what he was able to give her. He wants to know that it''s okay with her if he isn''t on the same earning level with her. He very likely does not want her to wear a ring now that everyone will know HE could not afford, and probably DID NOT buy. Perhaps, later, when they are on a more level earning field, an upgrade for an anniversary is something he will want to do for her. Notice how I believe he will still want to be the gifter, not a co-buyer.

For goodness sake''s everyone -- the man took the initiative and proposed -- without any wailing and gnashing of teeth on her part! Give the guy some props! And it''s not like he went to Zales and bought a promise ring for TLOG!

I totally agree with you! Maybe I''m just old-fashioned but I would be more disappointed if my boyfriend proposed and included a bill with my engagement ring! If you really do want to spend the rest of your life with your man, you should not be embarrassed at all! I think you should just appreciate and accept his efforts (as mentioned elsewhere in this thread, some girls have been "Ladies in Waiting" for quite some time) and just realize that the proposal/ring is not the most important thing - it was the promise behind it. Just think of all those women who may have amazing proposals and huge diamond rings but end up getting divorced within five years. I''m sure they would trade for a happily ever after any day. I''m sure your fiancee is well-aware that you would''ve been ready, willing, and able to pay for the ring but I assume it was important for him to do this "on his own." The only thing I would suggest is for you to communicate better with him so that these types of things do not happen in the future (lack of understanding about each other''s desires). Sorry if this sounds pushy or inconsiderate - I do see how all this could make you upset but there''s nothing you can do about it now except have an amazing wedding! Congrats!

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 12/14/2007 5:15:23 PM
Author: Mara
To whomever said something along the lines of ''be thankful that you were even asked''...are you serious? That implies something along the lines of ''Gosh aren''t you lucky someone actually wants to marry you''. I think in any relationship, BOTH parties are lucky to have each other. Not that the chick is lucky if the guy decides that he deigns to ask her to marry him.

I don''t think anyone meant that she''s lucky to have him - just trying to get her to see the more optimistic view of things. While it''s definitely true that both parties (ideally) are lucky to have found each other in this world, in our society it is the man who usually does the proposing (though there''s nothing wrong with the woman doing it), and sometimes, even though the couple wants to get married, women are left waiting for that special day - adding more pressure for it to be "spectacular."

 

[milton333]

My thought is that our culture tends to so build up the idea of some romantic proposal, that almost anything in real life is a let-down. Most of my married friends had sort of "buyer's remorse" when the proposal actually came to pass. It wasn't exactly the proposal or ring they imagined, and suddenly they were struck by the whole momentous "now I'm stuck with this guy forever" thing that really does happen even if you love him.

My proposal story, if it helps. I was in college, 1,000 miles from home, and I was starting to lose touch with my best friend from grade school, and I was horribly sad about how we were drifting apart. My now-husband felt bad that I was upset, I think. He decided to accelerate a planned holiday proposal.

So, one day he shows up at my dorm room. With a bag of "feeder fish" for my pet turtle (yes, little goldfish for my turtle to hunt, sorry). He's in jeans, he needs a haircut, and he hands over this bag of fish (which is fine), and then says "I have something else for you," and just hands over the ring box. Not even a proposal, you know?

And the ring was smaller than I wanted - we were only 19, and I would rather have gotten more of a "promise" type ring so we could buy a ring we could afford later. Mine was a .50 carat.

To this day, my girl friends call him "goldfish guy," for proposal with the bag of feeder fish. And, I have to admit, I still wish I'd gotten my dream proposal, maybe something while on vacation in some tropical place

But I think pretty much everyone has this period of adjustment where the reality of things is very constricting, it's never like what you imagined, even if he put tons of thought into it. Also, lots of guys are traditional in the sense that they think this is entirely their responsibility, not realizing they're picking something that you'll have to wear every day for years. Geez, every time some guy pops up here with some funky industrial tension setting, I want to make absolutely sure that his gf expressed a preference for that style, because guys usually just want to get something "cool" without much thought that his gf might have different tastes.

I don't have any great answers for you. Realize that almost anything would have been something of a let-down, because it always is. I would try to focus on the bright future you have together. 1/2 carat is also a very respectable diamond - what you find on here is absolutely not the norm for diamond size, and most people IRL who have 1 carat+ rings have very sad-looking rings (one of my friends has a 1 carat princess that her bf bought for $700. eek). Part of the disappointment about the proposal is just one of those things that strikes you hard when you're young, that recognition that lots of things will turn out not quite the way you wanted. It's the beginning of the "make lemonade" phase of life, hah.

You can (and probably will) upgrade in the future - I just did. And believe me, there was tension with hubby about it. He, to this day, is proud of how he scrimped and saved for that ring, and how hard he tried to make me happy with it. This is one of those where you have recognize the meaning behind the gesture, even if the gesture is not exactly what you wanted.

ETA: Hubby and I have been married for 10 good years, fwiw.