feeling guilty

[kellybelly]

i see all of you girls here, excited about planning and picking things out for your weddings. i just don''t seem to have that excitement and i feel guilty about it, like it means that i don''t care, which is certainly not the case. has anyone else gone through this? how did you get yourself jump-started again?

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Don''t feel guilty! Are you stressed or anything or is wedding planning just not your thing?

 

[kellybelly]

yes, a bit stressed at work, so i guess that has an effect.

but i think it''s more that the whole racket of the wedding industry is sucking all the meaning out of the day. i really don''t care about napkin color!! what i care about is that everyone comes to the church to see us married-- the details of the party just seem like numbers on an adding machine to me. i want to be excited, but i feel like i''m being steamrolled by the Bridal Industrial Complex!! i want to have an original, creative sort of wedding but i feel like i''ll be fighting a losing battle because it''s tough to be creative on a budget.

frustrating.....

 

[SarahLovesJS]

I understand what you mean! Everywhere I look I see dollar signs.

Haha. It''s driving me a bit crazy. I have expensive taste, but even I think this is ridiculous. For example: I looked at this one company for invitations and they wanted like $3,000 once you put everything together. I mean..that is probably pricey, but wow! I thought invitations would be like...$400.

I can probably find some for that, but I was like wow they can actually cost that much?

 

[ringster]

i hear you kelly! have you checked out indiebride.com? they have a forum called kvetch that has been helpful for me. even just reading some of the things some of the brides have done that are non-traditional has been making me feel better. i wished i had found them before i started my planning.

try to think of what is important to you for your wedding and just keep that in mind. and remember - you can do whatever you want! don''t limit yourself

 

[bee*]

don''t feel guilty at all. One of the things that I''ve found brilliant is doing some of the things diy. I was quoted €25 per invite for the one that I wanted-I made up a mock invite which was practically the same for €1.50. I''m going to do my own flowers also. Plus half of the fun of planning for me is trying to get a good price. There are people out there who won''t rip you off-it just takes a bit longer to find them. I''m a planner by nature which is why I''m enjoying finding things, but if you don''t care about the little details, don''t stress about it. Have the wedding that you want.

 

[swimmer]

Hi Kelly,
I read a really interesting book recently, The Conscious Bride, that you might want to check out. OK, so some parts are a rather touchy-feely, but I''m totally not a self-help book person and I found this to be insightful. The basic premise is that a wedding is both a beginning and an ending, and that EVERYONE has feelings that are bittersweet about this process of ending one stage of your life and beginning a new one. Kelly, its not all roses and blushing cupids, for any of us. The author interviewed a ton of brides and everyone recounted the complexity of preparing to merge two families. Some chapters weren''t as helpful as others to me, but some were SPOT ON and helped me to more fully comprehend my feelings for future in-laws, ambivalence about some things, and desperate caring about others that I don''t even understand. I would wager that a huge percentage of us don''t care about napkin colors, but there really are meanings and reasons why some things we just can''t let go of.

I would totally recommend the Conscious Bride to anyone who nodded along with any bits of this post. Here it in on amazon

and there is a website i just found when looking for the amazon url, so am not sure about it personally, but might be interesting: conscious

Just know that you are not the only one! I was procrastinating on all sorts of things that really needed to get done and finally realized that a couple of fears were holding me back from figuring out what I really wanted this ceremony to be about. Being concerned about the wedding doesn''t mean you have issues with the groom, or even straight up issues...it means you are doing something new and sometimes downright scary, of course you have trepidation. Best of luck Kelly, know you are not alone!

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 3/11/2008 12:38:36 AM
Author:kellybelly
i see all of you girls here, excited about planning and picking things out for your weddings. i just don''t seem to have that excitement and i feel guilty about it, like it means that i don''t care, which is certainly not the case. has anyone else gone through this? how did you get yourself jump-started again?

Hi Kelly,

I''ve definitely felt the same way. For the most part, things for us have gone well while planning different aspects of our wedding, but it is stressful. You want to make sure your guests have a good time and are there for the most important day of your life. It''s understandable why it stress would be felt.

How did I deal with it? I began doing a lot at the beginning and then I realized that not everything had to be done right at that moment. It''s okay to focus on one thing, take a break, and then move onto something else. That''s what I''ve tried to do as much as possible. Like you, there are just some details that I have no interest in deciding. We''ve run everything by my mom and dad and they''ve been a big help. If you can delegate specific things for someone else to take care of, that might help.

I know a few people here have prioritized things. They''ve figured out what the three (or five, whatever number you want) most important things were and went from there. So for example, if music was super important, you might focus a lot of time and energy finding a really great DJ or band. I''m sure others who have looked at planning this way will chime in and offer you more advice.

Good luck! It will all get done and you''ll have a great wedding, I''m sure.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I went through the same thing and only now, 6 months out, am I even beginning to feel excited. I really love my FI but I never dreamed of my wedding and I wanted to elope. Seeing it all come together and dealing with more of the fun stuff like food has definitely helped me start to really feel good about it.

I don''t have any good advice, just don''t feel guilty.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Kelly, I definitely understand where you are coming from. I didn''t want to plan a wedding, I wanted to elope, but it was important to DH and we took it on together. Throughout the planning I kept saying "I don''t care" and it made me feel bad. Of course I cared about getting married, I just lacked the bridal gene so anything wedding related was simply not that important to me. What helped me was making the decision that I was only going to choose things I loved, I didn''t care how "weddingy" it looked. Second, I did everything with DH, so I never felt like anything was just on my shoulders. He planned a big chunk of the wedding and I enjoyed that (I tended to focus on the ceremony and left many reception details up to him).

Seriously, though, when the weddiing rolled around I loved what we''d planned. It was unique, non-traditional and perfectly "us". I think that when you''re in the midst of planning you just feel overwhelmed and resentful towards your own wedding, but I promise you that on the day of your wedding you''re going to love it and you will probably look back on this time and smile, even if you''re not smiling now

 

[Mandarine]

DOn''t feel guilty!!. The same thing is happenning to my best friend...and you know, it is ok to not feel the "bridal gene". As I call it with her. Don''t feel guilty for that. You feel the "marriage gene" right?...well, that''s the one that matters!!!!.

The "wedding" is really secondary...it''s the actual reception, the details...and not every girl should feel excited about the same things!!!!. It''s like I hate planning for trips....yet I love vacations!!!!...I just can''t stand the planning...so that''s DH''s department.

Here are a few suggestions that hopefully will help:

- Don''t try to get excited about the things that are not important to you. See them as a money saving opportunity!!!. I didn''t care about linens or napkin color either...so I went wit the ivory standard linens that came as part of the catering package and added a simple (and affordable) gold overlay to add a little bit of color. Done, I made that decision the day I met with the caterer!.

- Think about the things that you do care about!. Have 3 to 4 things tat are your top priority and those are the things you spend time reseraching...and get excited about. For me for example, it was things like finding the perfect paella (since that was a big part of our wedding for our theme) and all the paper goods (because I wanted to DIY) and for my guests to feel appreciated..so I wanted to have details for them. If you don''t care about the flowers for example, then again...don''t spend time on it!. I wanted simple flowers and didn''t really reserach a lot when it came to arrangements. So I went for the simplest arrangement I could find. So, if you care about the actual ceremony...think about things to make that moment special!. DIY a unity candle, or any other thing you guys are doing. Find a way to thank your guests and remember those are are not there with you that day. Make that special if that is important to you.

Don''t over think things...just go for simple when it comes to things you don''t feel one way or another. Simple will always turn into elegant...at least in my opinion!.


Good luck

M~

 

[tberube]

Nah. I go in and out. There are some days when I'm asked "how's the wedding planning going?" and I don't even care enough to answer. It's a long, somewhat tiring experience, and you can only be excited about something for so long. At least, that's me.

And on the whole dollar sign thing, well I've read a few books about the wedding racket, that have kept me in check as far as all this crazy spending goes. I don't buy into it either - nobody can tell me what I need to buy or absolutely have to have for my wedding day. It's all rubbish, as far as I'm concerned. All I care about that day is my white dress, my family and friends, good music and most importantly, my new husband. Everything else is extra.

 

[scm1012]

Please don''t feel guilty!!! I am not feeling overly wedding''y myself and it''s completely ok. Think of it as an advantage. Because you are not particularly giddy when you do start your planning, you will go into it with much clearer vision and with a good head on your shoulders.

 

[musey]

Do you have a friend that just LOVES this stuff? Planning, making decisions, etc.? If so, maybe you''ve found a pro-bono wedding planner. Just to make the decisions that you simply don''t care about.

I''m feeling sort of at a loss for the details, as you are. I cared about the big things (location, photographer, dress) but now that it''s down to the details, I keep trying to pass the decisions off on someone else. Luckily, our venue provides on-site coordinators that I can just clue in to the "theme" of our day and they''ll make whatever decisions I want them to re: tablecoths, napkins, runners, etc.

 

[applequeen]

Hi Kellybelly,

I''ve never posted here but I lurked through my wedding planning process.

Anyway.... I wanted to let you know that I understand how you''re feeling. I joke that I was the "anti bride" because I just didn''t care about the wedding. I wanted a nice wedding, one that I could look back on and be happy with but I hated the idea of planning it. I planned my wedding in 2 1/2 months and I''m so happy I didn''t drag the process out longer. I had a decent sized wedding (about 150 guests) and it was beautiful... but I hated the whole process... at no point was I ever excited about my wedding. I was excited about the day after the wedding when it was all over and I could enjoy being a new wife.

I was very lucky in that I found ONE vendor that did EVERYTHING.... the flowers, the cake, the catering, we ordered our invitations through them, used the photographer they work with (who I was familiar with), the did all the decorating and coordinated everything the day of the wedding. I met with them one Saturday afternoon and had the wedding pretty much planned in 3 hours... it was a huge relief! They did everything but dress us. In the end everything was PERFECT... it could not have looked better... it seriously looked like we had spent months planning everything. My mother still gets compliments on the wedding... people say it''s the nicest wedding they''ve ever seen in that church (which is one of the main "wedding" churches in our area. I hear the food was fantastic (I didn''t get to eat any of it) and everyone seemed to have a great time.

With all that said... it made things easier but not more enjoyable... I did not enjoy one minute of my wedding day...and I think I knew all along that I wouldn''t. I hate being the center of attention and I knew I''d be an emotional wreck (I was... started crying at the rehearsal and cried off and on all the way to the hotel after the wedding). It was a busy work time for me so I was seriously exhausted (I''d been out of town all week before my wedding) so I''m sure that contributed to it. I''m not telling you this to scare you because in the end I''m happy I had the wedding and I''m OK that it was not a process that I enjoyed. I had all my family and friends in one place and everyone was so happy for us and that was an amazing feeling. I married a wonderful man that I''m so lucky to be able to share my life with. The thing that I do regret is that I didn''t take the time I needed to rest before and after the wedding because I think that would have made a huge difference. I only took 2 days off (Friday and Monday) which was crazy. I have a great job and plenty of leave time and I should have taken advantage of it. We weren''t able to take a real honeymoon after our wedding (did the minimoon thing) and I think if I''d had a great trip to look forward to it would have made a huge difference (trips get me excited... weddings don''t

)

I don''t want to come across as anti wedding or anything like that but I wanted to share my experience of hating the whole process because I think it''s probably more common than I realized at the time. I felt guilty before and after the wedding that I hadn''t been excited about it because it seemed... I don''t know... unnatural or something. I say that I wish I''d eloped because I think I would have enjoyed it more (I get a little jealous reading all the great elopement stories on here) but at the same time I know I wouldn''t have enjoyed not being able to have all my family and friends there.

To sum up this rather long post.... yesterday was my one year anniversary

and it was wonderful. We''ve had a great year together and I''ve really enjoyed it... this life is what I''d been excited about.

We took a belated honeymoon in October and it was fantastic. To be honest we felt lucky compared to the other honeymooning couples because we had all the wedding stuff behind us (and no Thank You cards to write when we got home). We ate year old cake last night (which was actually really really GOOD!!!) and I enjoyed having a taste of my wedding since I remember so little of it. We watched our DVD and really appreciated the happiness that was there (even with the tears) and toasted with champagne we purchased on our honeymoon (the first one... the "minimoon").

So find what makes you happy in this process (maybe elopement is an option for you). I think there is so much pressure to have a big wedding that we feel we have to justify not doing it.... plan what makes you and your fiancé happy.... seriously you can have 300 people at a BBQ if that''s what you want or you can have 30 people at a brunch... it''s OK. Anyone who has ever planned a wedding will understand. It sounds like you have a good attitude about it (based on your statement about the napkins) and remember that it''ll be over too soon... and the best part can begin.

 

[Gypsy]

Delegate or Delete is my motto. If I don''t care about it, I''m either, not doing it or if someone else (mother, aunt, etc.) does care and I don''t I''m asking them to do it. If they don''t, it''s deleted. I only really care about our appearances, the main vendors, food, and the flow of the event, and the photography. All the details I don''t care about, I''m not having: guest book, napkins, programs, menu cards... you name it, I''m not having it.

I was in a HUGE blah about the wedding planning in January, but in February, I decided that the quicker I book and plan it all, the quicker it''s over. And you know what? It''s the second week of March, and it''s mostly over. I''ve pretty much got all that I can have done at this point either ordered, planned, or decided.

If you need some help, we''re here. And happy to give you a lift, or a hand, or a shoulder. Just give us a holler.

 

[kellybelly]

you girls are the best! i think the ol'' fiance and i need to sit down this weekend and figure out what really matters to us and what doesn''t. that way i can focus on what''s important right now. we actually have a meeting with the DJ on saturday morning, so that''s progress. next is the photographer which i am VERY interested in choosing, except for the price part of it! so if anyone knows a great photojournlist wedding photog in new jersey, please let me know!

once again, PS comes through with information and support. thanks again!

 

[littlelysser]

I just want to jump in here and say that I totally understand. I used to tell my friends that I was totally missing the bridal gene.

DH and I were engaged for almost two years before we got married. The thought of planning a wedding was horribly daunting and not something I looked forward to doing.

BUT DH and I started talking about what we wanted - simple, close friends and family, less than 50 people, good food, super relaxed.

We ended up having a backyard wedding bbq on labor day. It was great.

One friend offered up her home and HUGE backyard. We rented some tables and tents and had rainbow colored table linens, had some AMAZING bbq catered in, one friend made amazing southern food, another made an amazing mojito sorbet and another made our lovely cake. We wrapped the tent polls with tulle and put gerber daisies in different vases on each table as the centerpiece. I was in the yard when our guests arrived - and I was wearing a wedding dress. So we embraced the traditions we wanted and ignored the ones we didn''t love. It was SUPER relaxed and fun. We invited 56 people. 54 showed up. It was just wonderful...and folks have told us we had the best wedding they''d ever been to...it was so great.

So, what I''m saying is, decide what is important to you and make that your inspiration. Having the people we love most be there when we commit our lives to one another was important to us. Flower choices were not. Oh, and we did it for under 6k, I believe. Now, we got really lucky...didn''t have to pay for the location, cake, decent amount of food, but it can be done!!

Do what makes you and FI happy and what would make your wedding special for you. And then go with it!

 

[emilina22]

im feeling the same way about my wedding.... even if its next june.

everyones like have you gone to look for things and im like no, i dont want to yet, i mean sure i brainstormed ideas, but i just dont want to start planning anything yet...so no your not alone....

 

[allycat0303]

Kellybelly, I don''t think that you not being ''''into'''' the wedding planning thing means anything about your upcoming marriage. Some people really enjoy planning and selecting things, while others are less detail oriented. I''m picking stuff with the idea a) does it look decent b) is it affordable. And how quick can I get this done so that it looks presentable.

I see it as some people spend a lot of time and care into putting togther a perfect powerpoint presentation, while others do the bare minimum, but the content can be exactly the same.

I would start with the one detail that you care about and then move toward the periphery. For example maybe you don''t care about napkins, but the cake really intrests you. Or maybe the location. Baby steps lead to be big results.