Fight/overcome societal norms - yeah!

[sklingem]

I guess I am in the mood for posting new threads. This one is about you and your SO/FF/husband/wife: What (if any) challenges have you had to overcome in your life as a (dating, married etc.) couple? More specifically related to expectations/norms/customs that are both general in nature (i.e. widespread societal norms) and/or those from family, friends more specifically? How did/does it affect your relationship with your partner and/or with others?
In my case both my GF and I (OK mostly her) had to tackle the issue of height difference - she is much taller than I am. I think that it kept her initially from considering me as "relationship material" and she has had to get used to it over time (this is to show how engrained societal norms are - despite "rationally" knowing that it should not matter). None of our friends/family seem to have an issue with it (or they don''t tell us) but sometimes when she looks at pictures of us she can''t help but point it out (she really has gotten used to it in evryday life though). Interestingly she has had much less "trouble" with the fact that I was previously married - which can be an issue for some (knowing that a future wedding would not be a "first" for the other person, among other things).
Anyway - keep the stories of "love will conquer all" coming (or something like that).
Cheers,
Rob

 

[meresal]

C's family is very wealthy. When we began dating he gave me a gorgeous David Yurman ring for Christmas, and we went on a cruise where he surprised me for my birthday with the matching necklace. Well, since I am not from his home town and none of his friends knew me (and assumed C had paid for the entire trip himself)... one of them, and a girl he "used" to be friends with (who was also a sorority sister of mine that I never cared for, and she knew it) automatically assumed I was a gold-digger, with him only for the money. They decided to take it upon themselves to "warn" him about girls like me...

Not until I actually made the move to Houston(about a month after they confronted him), away from my friends and famliy, did his friend begin to take our relationship seriously. He never talked to the girl again after that conversation. We thinks she was a weeeeeeee bit jealous...

 

[Lauren8211]

Kind of funny, but SO had to overcome my friends! When I first met SO, I was instantly attracted to him, much to my surprise. He was very attractive, don''t get me wrong there. (Ahem, he still is very attractive

), but he was not someone I was normally "expected" to date by my friends. I was hanging out with friends that I had been friends with forever, and they had certain "expectations". We always had to be dressed well, made up, and in style. FF was a little nerdy, with his converse shoes and web-comic t shirts. The first time my friends met SO, they judged him solely on his shoes. We were in a "trendy" martini bar for my birthday, and he wore *Gasp!* Converse Chuck Taylors! (This is before they came back into style, as of recently). All my friends could talk about was how his shoes were so uncool, and they couldnt believe he''d wear them to this type of bar. Most of my friends wouldn''t even acknowledge him when he''d talk to them. They flat out ignored him.

FF and I started dating regularly, and I kept it a secret from my friends for a while. They refused to like him because of how he dressed. I eventually realized that these are not the type of people that I wanted as my friends. We distanced, and FF and I grew closer. I started hanging out with his friends, and realized how much better it was hanging out with people who didn''t care where my purse was from. I could relax. For the first time... I could just be myself. I changed a whole lot after that, and I can''t thank FF enough.

The old friends and I have since reconciled, and they love him now. Not because of his shoes, but because he treats me like a princess. Once they gave him a shot, they realized what I had seen all along.

FF and I still joke about his Converse shoes.

 

[fieryred33143]

You know, of all the crappy arguments he and I have had over the years, we haven't had anything we have ever really had to overcome. He and I have always worked as a team and I think people see that and understand.

The one major thing we did have to "overcome" in terms of soceity pressure is education.

I have my Masters whereas he has his high school diploma. He makes very good money, is a hard worker, and we are a team. But people see it as me having to work "harder" because I'm the one that makes more money. They don't understand how a relationship can work that way. But the funny thing is that even though they are all stressed out about how its going to work, we aren't. He and I have the same values and the same end goals. When one of us says "we should save for [enter something here]" we do it as a team. I have never felt as though our family would be "without" because he makes less than I do.

ETA: Cause Elle reminded me of this...he also had to overcome my friends. I grew up in the streets of Brooklyn so I understand the...how can I call it...I guess the "hood" life. By the time I got into college, obviously that part of me was long gone because we had moved to a nice neighborhood in FL. But I've always been drawn to that lifestyle. It's my home. My boyfriend also lived the "hood" life so he understands me and my struggles. All of my friends are wealthy so they didn't understand how I could be "into" someone like him. But they got over it once they got to know him. He's so sweet and so above and beyond his past and the neighborhood he grew up in.

 

[gwendolyn]

Oi, where do I begin...

1. Internet--we met over the internet, which has all kinds of stigma attached to it.
2. Weight--I had major insecurities over whether J would be attracted to me because I am overweight.
3. Nationality--Our homes are on different continents, which, even though they''re both English-speaking, has created many small misunderstandings over things that most couples would not have to deal with.
4. Finances--When we first started talking, I was working 4 jobs to make ends meet and J was working for peanuts for the family business. This made visiting each other really hard, due to numero 3.
5. Immigration paperwork--we''re not even engaged yet, and we''ve already had some ''fun'' expected surprises in the immigration fees area (I got a job which will pay £1600 for a work permit for me, but I have to apply for ''leave to remain'' which will cost me £600, or about US$1200. Surprise!). It''s only going to get worse/more expensive as we get into marriage paperwork, interviews and fees.

I think those are the biggies.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Gee - we had to contend with quite a few "opinions". We''ve done a lot of things out of order according to traditional standards.

* We met while we were both involved with other people; became very good friends and as the years passed and our relationships dissolved, we moved closer to each other. Some friends and family members embraced the idea of us being together while others went above and beyond to show just how unsupportive they could be.

* We bought a house together without being married or even engaged to each other. Yes, we had discussed marriage and knew it was something we both wanted with each other but we agreed that the money would be better spent on our home than on a ring. I won''t even get into all the problems that deicision brought about.

* We are engaged but I do not have my ring yet. I understand that he is trying to purchase the ring without going into any debt (or by selling off any investments he currently holds) so it is taking a little longer than he had anticipated. Yes, part of that does have to do with our decision to purchase a house but it was a joint decision and I was aware that the house purchase could delay our engagement. I was, and still am, okay with that. It''s a small sacrafice to make now to have a house for our future. Now that we are officially planning the wedding and he''s incredibly into the process, I do not feel any less engaged because I do not have my ring yet. However, we have stumbled across a few people who do not agree with our decision.

We realized very early on that we have to do what works for us and what makes us happy. If we spent all of our time trying to make everyone around us accept us for who they want us to be and structure our relationship and subsequent decisions around what everyone else wants...well, we wouldn''t really be us, now would we? So, if it works for the both of us we do it even in the face of overly critical friends and family. So far, we''ve managed to come out of the battles victorious.

 

[Bia]

Ooh good topic!

I had to overcome:

-The NY thing. I am from Boston and was used to a slower pace and different way of life back home.
-Different culture. He''s Greek/PRican (I''m Colombian) but a little more Americanized than how I grew up...still good but just different.
-Our friends. We roll in different circles--he''s a musician and hangs with a lot of similar types. I met a lot of people though school and many of us are on the same path career-wise. But I''ve always loved his friends...
-Mostly our personalities are just different, VERY DIFFERENT. That has been the biggest obstacle. Now its fine but in the beginning it was hard.

The second hardest has been living with a Yankees fan. Trials of love I tell you...NY vs. Boston rivalry is not a joke...

 

[Anna0499]

I'll throw my hat in the ring with my interracial relationship. This is not specific to my current BF, but with all the BFs I've ever had! I've dated a variety of guys from different races, but none Asian (none went to my HS and I never met many in college). I don't see it as an issue AT ALL because I grew up in America and went to private schools where I was often the only minority besides my siblings (although I am still proud of my heritage), but sometimes when my ex-BF or current BF and I go to restaurants or other public places we get short little stares from people. I assume it is because we are interracial because there is nothing else peculiar about us when we get these looks - dressed normal, normal behavior, etc. and it is mostly from older people. I haven't really had to "overcome" anything, but I definitely joke about it and don't let it affect my relationships at all.

 

[misscuppycake]

What a great topic! Honestly, I feel like our whole relationship is one big fight against everyone but mostly my parents. First of all, it''s interracial (he''s Caucasian and I''m Chinese). His level of education is significantly lower than mine, my family is much more wealthy, I am religious and he is not, he''s a jock and I''m a bookworm, on and on it goes. In the beginning, it was certainly tough and my parents are still very unhappy with our relationship. Their dream is that I marry a rich, academic, Asian man but this seems pretty far from their fantasy. S/O and I are two strangers from two different worlds I feel. We met completely at random and made something of it, but even now 3 years later, I still feel like we''re desperately trying to beat the odds.

 

[MoonWater]

Hmm...well he's white and grew up in a nice two parent middle class family in the suburbs...
I'm black and grew up in a single parent lower class family in the inner city (with a lot of help from my Aunt and Uncle who also lived in the city but both had good jobs and no kids so were middle class)...He's the youngest of his siblings, I'm the oldest of mine.

So, we grew up with two completely different backgrounds and we had absolutely nothing to overcome in our relationship. We are in sync on so many levels its insane. I say the only thing we have to deal with are the perceptions of other people, but we really don't let that bother us. His parents were worried in the beginning, but that had to do with wondering how people would treat us. My mom, the nutcase, claim to have no issue at first and later decided she had one. But I stopped speaking to her almost two years into our relationship so she hasn't been a problem. We learn from each other regarding the differences in our upbringing (lower vs middle) but never any problem as a result.

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 7/22/2008 12:56:04 PM
Author: misscuppycake
What a great topic! Honestly, I feel like our whole relationship is one big fight against everyone but mostly my parents. First of all, it's interracial (he's Caucasian and I'm Chinese). His level of education is significantly lower than mine, my family is much more wealthy, I am religious and he is not, he's a jock and I'm a bookworm, on and on it goes. In the beginning, it was certainly tough and my parents are still very unhappy with our relationship. Their dream is that I marry a rich, academic, Asian man but this seems pretty far from their fantasy. S/O and I are two strangers from two different worlds I feel. We met completely at random and made something of it, but even now 3 years later, I still feel like we're desperately trying to beat the odds.

OMG Cuppy! We are relationship twins almost! My BF is Caucasian as well and I am Vietnamese. He has his college degree, but I will have my law degree and probably make a lot more money than him in the future. I am a devout Catholic and he just believes in God but doesn't go to church...yet. My family is very well-off and his mother has passed away and his dad is a DEADBEAT (his words, not mine). We do both love sports though. My parents think I need to marry a doctor or lawyer or someone with "status," and would prefer that I marry a Vietnamese man because there are so few where we live, but oh well...so it's been a struggle here too! Sorry for the threadjack, just wanted to say I'm with ya' girl!

 

[absolut_blonde]

- Long distance relationship: as anyone who''s been in a LDR knows, people are often quite unaccepting of this (sometimes downright rude). It took a lot of faith and maybe even a bit of blind trust, particularly in the beginning. It can wear on you to hear yet another snarky comment like "Oh? Long distance? That NEVER works out" when you''ve had a bad day and are missing your SO.

- Different socioeconomic backgrounds: I don''t know how to put this without sounding snobby. This is more from his mouth than mine, actually. It never crossed my mind til he brought it up. Basically, he''s a bit more blue collar and I''m more white collar (likewise for our parents). He has a more technical diploma and is completing his carpentry red seal this year; I have two bachelor''s degrees. This wasn''t an issue to me because he''s extremely intelligent and driven. However, I think it bothers him from time to time. He''s voiced concerns that my parents might feel he''s not ''good enough'', which is the opposite of reality. My parents love him and are NOT the type to push me to marry a doctor just for status (etc).

 

[sunnyd]

Mine''s really superficial, but what the hell, I''ll throw it in.

I knew FF in high school, and whoa, he was a really different man back then. Total metal head with the long hair and huge pants with all the zippers. Smoking, drug using, drinking. His choices in women were...not me. I was the goody goody most of the time.

He''s not the bad part of himself at all anymore (thank god!!!) but it''s weird to see him in pictures and know how he used to be. I used to wonder if I was what he really wanted because I was so different than the uh, "lovely ladies"

he used to date. We worked on it for a long time (so many insecurities

) and it''s better now. Now his sisters and I make fun of his former pink hair.

 

[misscuppycake]

Date: 7/22/2008 1:03:21 PM
Author: IndyGirl22

Date: 7/22/2008 12:56:04 PM
Author: misscuppycake
What a great topic! Honestly, I feel like our whole relationship is one big fight against everyone but mostly my parents. First of all, it''s interracial (he''s Caucasian and I''m Chinese). His level of education is significantly lower than mine, my family is much more wealthy, I am religious and he is not, he''s a jock and I''m a bookworm, on and on it goes. In the beginning, it was certainly tough and my parents are still very unhappy with our relationship. Their dream is that I marry a rich, academic, Asian man but this seems pretty far from their fantasy. S/O and I are two strangers from two different worlds I feel. We met completely at random and made something of it, but even now 3 years later, I still feel like we''re desperately trying to beat the odds.

OMG Cuppy! We are relationship twins almost! My BF is Caucasian as well and I am Vietnamese. He has his college degree, but I will have my law degree and probably make a lot more money than him in the future. I am a devout Catholic and he just believes in God but doesn''t go to church...yet. My family is very well-off and his mother has passed away and his dad is a DEADBEAT (his words, not mine). We do both love sports though. My parents think I need to marry a doctor or lawyer or someone with ''status,'' and would prefer that I marry a Vietnamese man because there are so few where we live, but oh well...so it''s been a struggle here too! Sorry for the threadjack, just wanted to say I''m with ya'' girl!

Aww thanks for the response. It''s nice to know someone else can relate.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Let''s see.
We met online and spent the first 3 months long distance, that irks a lot of people.

I grew up urban upper middle class surronded by intelectual jewish guys who were not exactly "hard core"
He grew up poor, rural and most of the girls he dated before me had at least one kid and many drank too much

I am about to start grad school and them my PhD. He is just now going back to college after getting his GED. (he is as smart as me though, we got the excat same score on standardized tests).
We are the same age. It may seem odd, but my family and myself always expected I would end up with a well educated, well established guy who was at least a few years older than me.

My family ADORES him, but he comes from a severely disfunctional family and his mother now tolerates me, but she used to hate me. He is the oldest and the 1st to break free from her and I threatend the entire disfunctional dynamic that she build over 20 years. Now that she knows she can''t get rid of me she has mellowed a bit, but I doubt she will ever like me.

His family has been the main one. His friends are my friends and vis versa, my family, even the iffy extended ones, love him. But there were times I thought he might want to move on to someone easier for his mother just to stop the fighting, it was that bad.

 

[dockman3]

I'll throw my hat in too.

One thing she sees that I really don't is the racial side of things. She's 1/2 Caucasian, 1/4 Mexican and 1/4 Native American and I'm Caucasian. So she has one set of Caucasian grandparents, a Mexican grandfather and a Native American grandmother. I think its pretty cool, but there have been occasions or comments made when she felt uncomfortable. I'm going to have my PhD and she's got a bachelors, though that isn't really a big deal either. We do "live in sin", which my parents are not happy about at all. That's about all that we've had to deal with to this point. Not too bad, in my opinion, but we've managed to get through it by just sticking together and making our way and trying not to care what other people thought or said, because in the end, it doesn't matter at all!

ETA: We also did the long distance thing for about 2.5 years.

 

[aliciagirl]

Being best friends long before we dated: I know it probably seems like it would be easier to date someone you know completely, but it was a huge issue for us. It''s hard to know -everything- about someone and still accept them. I mean, there are definitely things that I didn''t need to know happened with his exes. And he feels the same about me. It was also hard because I knew he cheated on a girlfriend once when he was 16, so I held that against him for a really long time (very mature of me, I know.) This applies mostly to um, sexual things you don''t share with someone you date. Those things are tough to get over.

I also knew the kinds of girls he always seemed to go for, and well, they were nothing like me. They were always the super skinny, petite, ditzy, I-want-to-be-a-housewife type girls and I''m very much the opposite of that. He says that it was just a phase he went through and that he never once thought about being with a girl like that forever, but I still wondered if he would accept the average size, pretty tall, very independent, smart, driven me.

Long distance relationship: As someone else said, people make it hard to be in a LDR and they always remind you that the other person is probably out meeting other women or that it''s never going to last.

Me (eventually) making more money: People always ask me if he has a problem with it. He doesn''t, but it seems like everyone thinks that he should.

 

[Babyblue033]

I''ve been living together with my FI for 4 1/2 years yet my parents know nothing about. Need I say more?

Our biggest issue is and always has been our families, mine definitely more so than his but his are not that thrilled about us either. We''re now engaged and we haven''t told either of our families in fear that it''ll disturb the carefully maintained peace (aka distance) we''ve built over the years.

My FI wants to work on our relationship with our families, me on the other hand start hyperventilating just at the thought of interacting with them on a regular basis...

 

[hairgirl95]

This is a cool thread--sorry if my post gets a little long here!

My husband and I had to overcome my entire family! I posted our how me met story here a few weeks ago. We were friends for a couple years before dating. This led to many "assumptions" on my families behalf.

I was married once before. My family adored my ex, primarily because he was monetarily successful. I think my family thought I would choose the long haired metal band boy that I dated in high school. Unfortunately, my family never knew about my ex husbands infidelities. I never told them. Partly out of shame, but mostly out of hope--I thought MAYBE our relationship could be fixed with counseling. I didn''t want the stigma of a "cheater" hanging over his head with my family if we did work things out. The counseling did not work, and I filed for divorce. My mom was devastated. She was so mad at me for moving out and pursuing the divorce. She kept hounding me about why this was happening, and my response was always the same--we both changed, we are incompatible, we are both better off being apart than together. None of these answers were good enough. My family was totally unsupportive.

The day my divorce was final, I called my parents with the news. They were total jerks about it. All they could say was how nice my ex was, I was being irresponsible, and how after they paid for my first wedding (not a princess Di wedding or anything, I think their total contribution was about $5000) I better NEVER ask them for anything ever again. If I ever got re-married, they would NOT be helping with another wedding. Okay, I totally respected that, but did we really need to discuss that on the night of my DIVORCE? The next day, they called my ex-husband, told him that me leaving him was a huge mistake, they loved him, he would always be their son in law, and he was welcome at their house anytime. I was really mad, and severely hurt. They were kissing his hiney, and treating me like a piece of garbage. Granted, they did not know about his infidelities, but was it really their business? I think a divorce is a private matter between 2 people, and my family knew what they needed to know at the time.

So, fast forward 8 months. My now-husband and I had been dating for 5-6 months. My family refused to meet him. We had a death in the family, and I was not allowed to bring him to the funeral. According to them, too many people will ask "questions". Apparently they had not told most people that I was divorced. This REALLY hurt me. My now husband sent a beautiful bouquet of flowers to my parents house after this death occurred, and the people visiting with the rest of my family asked who the flowers were from. When I told them my boyfriend, my mother about had a coronary. My sister got married a few months later, and my now husband was not supposed to attend. She made it a point to tell me he was not allowed to come. She was afraid it would take the "focus" off her that day. Whatev--she had like 400 people there, most didn''t even know me. In the end, my now husband was allowed to come to the wedding--because they needed someone to video the ceremony. My extended family met my new man, and he really hit it off with all of them. They all told my parents how much they liked him, and how him and I were a really good match. It fell on deaf ears.

Christmas was around the corner. I had breakfast with my mom and sister. I told my mom that my boyfriend would be there for christmas with me. She got mad. Asked me if she had to get him a gift. We had been dating for a year at this point. I finally had had enough of her shenanigans at this point. I told her EVERYTHING--how my ex was a screw around, how much I loved my now husband, and how I had more love and respect for him than I ever did for my ex. I told her that if she was not going to embrace him at christmas, then I was not going to be there. She had PLENTY of time to adjust to my new relationship, and I was done with all the crap. I told her we had picked out an e-ring, and we WOULD be getting engaged. It was high time she faced the music--I was happy, and if she couldn''t be happy for me, then she would not be around. We did go home for christmas, and it went pretty well.

The next month, my now husband called to ask both my parents for their blessing to marry me. My mom actually asked him if he was sure he wanted to marry me. WTF? He said yes, and told them how he was proposing. My dad was actually okay with the whole thing, and my mom begrudgingly gave her blessing.

We have now been married for 3.5 years. On our wedding day, that we planned and paid for by ourselves

my mom sobbed during the entire ceremony. She FINALLY saw just how much I loved this wonderful man I was marrying, and how I was a much happier person than I was before. Since then, he has become a bona fide member of the family. I have to credit him so much--he never got mad at my family, he was patient, and he was his authentic self at all times. The more crap my family slung, the more determined we became to show them that we were a unit, and we were not going to spend our lives apart.

Unfortunately, I will never forget what I had to go through, and how horrible my family, especially my mom and sister, was to us. Yes, you forgive. But you never forget. I used to visit my family pretty frequently, but those visits have been decreased. There is a part of me that will hurt until the day I die from all the drama and trauma they put me through. I always thought family banded together, but I was sadly proven wrong for a very long time. The most ironic part of the whole situation is that my husband and I have the most stable relationship of the entire bunch. The rest are marriages of convenience, some have a cheating spouse, and I cannot say any of them are really content and happy. I chose love and respect, and I got exactly what I wanted. I am truly married to my best friend.

Sorry this was so long--this really is the abbreviated version, believe it or not! But, I hope this inspires some of you. If you are with the person you love so deeply, the person who complements your life, and the person who you cannot imagine creating a life without, then fight for it no matter what. In the end, your own happiness is the most important thing. The rest of the stuff will fall into place.

 

[Bia]

Date: 7/22/2008 1:55:51 PM
Author: Babyblue033
I''ve been living together with my FI for 4 1/2 years yet my parents know nothing about. Need I say more?

Our biggest issue is and always has been our families, mine definitely more so than his but his are not that thrilled about us either. We''re now engaged and we haven''t told either of our families in fear that it''ll disturb the carefully maintained peace (aka distance) we''ve built over the years.

My FI wants to work on our relationship with our families, me on the other hand start hyperventilating just at the thought of interacting with them on a regular basis...

Yikes, sounds rough...sorry the situation is like that right now. Families (esp. extended) can be a real drag, believe me I know...

 

[GoingCrazy29]

I dated his good friend for 2 years before I started dating my FF. My FF and I were best friends during that entire time I was dating his friend and continued to be friends after we broke up. My ex and I also remained good friends and when I started falling for FF a year after my ex and I broke up, it got a little complicated.

My FF and I ended up having to sit my ex down and talk to him about it and see how he felt. He was hurt, but very understanding and we are all still good friends do this day. However, it seemed like some other people had more issues with it. Most of our mutual guy friends were elated that my FF and I were finally dating because they saw some sparks flying for the whole year after my ex and I broke up- but it seemed like some of the girls had a problem with it. Many of them gave me looks like I should be ashamed with myself, like I was being slutty- but you can''t help who you fall in love with and if my ex was OK with it then they should be too. I''m glad those days are over!

Its been over 3 years and now its not even an issue. Most people forgot that my ex and I were even together when we''re all in the same room. Thats the only thing I have though! Good post!

 

[sklingem]

Hairgirl95 -
kudos to you for taking the high road for such a long time - wonder how your mother reacted when you told her the truth??? I am glad everything worked out in the end!!

 

[Blair138]

Well not that I think either of these are huge but I''ll join in on the fun!

First of all-I am currently completing a Master''s degree and FI has his high school diploma. He will always be the breadwinner though (I''m a teacher

). It doesn''t bother me though-he was smart enough to know college was not for him and has been working for the same company since he was 16. I admire him for making the right decision for him and really working hard at his job. He has been the youngest manager at his place of employment for quite some time and has been promoted MANY TIMES.

Also, when we first started dating I wasn''t 21 yet-no biggie except his friend''s then-fiance made a big deal out of organizing get togethers at bars so I couldn''t go! I didn''t even know her! She told now-FI that I was too young to know what I wanted and too immature and he shouldn''t be dating me. (I was 20 and in college). Needless to say, she tried to set him up with her friend who was a bridesmaid in her wedding (FI was a groomsman). When I finally met her-she was a beast and we no longer speak to them. I did pay her back (I AM NOT A MEAN PERSON, THIS WAS UNINTENTIONAL) when I was drunk and brought up that her husband went to a strip club for his bachelor party (I didn''t know that she didn''t know and this was a year after their wedding). OOPS!!! Not my fault her husband wasn''t honest.

 

[customcushion]

Well...

My FI has two degrees, I am a college drop out. I recently hired her

.

I am Jewish, my FI was raised Anglican, with a very religious family. She''s converting

My FI is very close with her nuclear family; I barely speak to my brothers. FI''s sister is her MOH, my brothers aren''t even being afforded a ''+1'' date at the wedding.

We started dating in high school, and went to university in different cities. We spent 3 years in a LDR while she pursued her honours Psych degree, and I moved to be with her for her Masters; I''ve since started a very succesful business in this city, and we''ve integrated into the business & social circles here.

 

[gwendolyn]

Oh yeah! I just finished my thesis for my master''s degree from Cambridge, and J hasn''t gone to college yet. We did long-distance for 3.5 years (2.5 international, 1 while I was in Cam and he was in northern England), and he''s younger than me, and I make more money than he does, and we will live together before we get engaged.

I knew there were a couple I was forgetting!

 

[cbs102]

My fiance and i did the long distance thing and i recently moved to PA where he grew up...which is hard in itself leaving my family and the place that i loved living to move to Pennsyltucky.... oh, and he was married and with this girl for 9 years (married for 5) until she cheated on him and left with their beautiful daughter. I met him a year after this all went down. now i live around the corner for their "marriage house" and see their daughter every other weekend. not that i am compaining.. thankfully we get along extremely well... the ex thing is very difficult though.. it has gotten easier since we have gotten engaged. i don''t feel like a visitor in their past anymore... if that makes any sense

 

[WishfulThinking]

This is an awesome thread!

Well... the fact that we''re both women is by far the largest hurdle for us.

Our immediate families are very supportive about this part, but on my FI''s side it took some convincing and getting used to. Now everything is basically fine with them, but we have half the rest of the people in the country we live in [US] to worry about. It''s stressful.Even living in supposedly liberal Massachusetts we run into problems, and we''re not allowed to legally married because of MA legislation forbidding out of state couples to get a marriage that wouldn''t be recognized in their state of origin. FYI this legislation is from the early 1900s and was originally used to keep interracial marriages from occurring in MA when they weren''t legal in other states... which was as late as 1967.

In fact, the legal aspect of our relationship is a huge catastrophe. She is from CA, so now that CA has same sex marriage, we theoretically could get married in MA. However, if CA makes ss marriage illegal again, a MA marriage wouldn''t give us any protections in CA, where we ultimately plan to live. This is stressful. As is explaining to people that our wedding is a WEDDING BECAUSE WE SAY IT IS [

] and because it is that in our hearts and minds and the hearts and minds of the people who will be present. That is really painful to hear, especially coming from people who consider themselves to be progressive, but are not very polite witht heir questions and comments. Then there''s the issue of having no rights once we are married: no family-only hospital benefits, no inheritance, no insurance [depending on the state]. Nothing. Especially depending on where we go for grad school, and how the laws in almost every state are constantly changing... the whole thing makes me lose my mind. There are no guarantees. We are hoping that in June 2009 when we have our wedding we will be able to get a marriage license in CA that would likely protect us even if ss marriage went in and out of legality there, but there is not much anyone, legal advisor or not, can tell us, because they just don''t know yet.

The social aspect is even scarier, because it involves physical danger to us, as well as other things, such as discrimination. Even in MA we have encountered wedding vendors who will not work with us. In our rural area there are only a few bridal shops, and I am terrified they will refuse to serve us. Meanwhile, I cannot bring myself to lie about my wedding, so I will not pretend, even if we have to drive to P-Town to get dresses. We are contemplating a move to Arizona, which would academically be the best choice for us, but are unsure of whether we will be physically and emotionally safe in such a conservative environment. Our gay friends in the area tell us to run not walk away from the state unless absolutely necessary, and that is very scary. Even in MA we are spit at or stared at or yelled at or approached by people who say nasty things. It''s scary to us. Really scary.

The other thing that is hard to overcome is our ages. We will both be 22 when we marry, and she is only about 6 months older than I am. People give us a hard time about being so young, especially our parents, although they have softened up about it recently, and are on board with help planning the wedding! Honestly, though, the people who know us best, our network of friends and professors and other people who know us as a couple better than my parents or others who have doubts have full confidence in us. With over half of marriages ending in divorce, I think it''s important to just LIVE life and know that what might happen. Almost no one goes into marriage thinking that they will divorce, and we are no exception.

Lastly, there is the graduate school issue. We are applying to graduate schools this coming fall, and choosing programs at the same schools or nearby. We have "sets" of schools all over the country among our options, and will do our best to make it possible to stay physically together. However, we DO have to make the best decisions for each of us academically and career-wise, and we don''t want any lingering resentment. We will put that first, and know that our relationship can stand that test. We have survived many trials, and are long distance for months at a time as it is. It will be different, but we will not be the first to do it. Of course, many here will relate to the snarky comments about long-distance being a setup bound for disaster. It''s frustrating.

 

[trillionaire]

The LDR thing was never a big deal in my social circle, but is now starting to raise eye-brows since it has been almost 4 yrs...

He''s a gamer

He WAS apolitical (this was a big-deal to me!)
He and my ex were in the same small frat in college
I am his first and only GF

* He''s only 2 inches taller than me and very small framed, which made me hesitant about dating him. In college this was less of an issue, because I was smaller than him, but NOW, lol, I am bigger. (working on that) Funny, because when my mom married my dad, and she started to put on weight, he talked about her horribly and made her feel awful. This went on for years but he has gotten much better. I have put on 35-40lbs since college, and SO has been nothing but loving and supportive, dismissive of any complaints that I have about my body or body image, and he just raves about my sexy curves. I plan to lose the weight (for ME!), and he gets anxious and says I can''t look like I did in college because I will be TOO skinny. It''s great to be loved unconditionally! Funny thing is that he has LOST weight since college, and I couldn''t care less.

 

[sklingem]

"He''s only 2 inches taller than me and very small framed, which made me hesitant about dating him" LOL
What if he were seven inches shorter ...?? No complaining about that permitted ...

 

[lala2332]

My issues are pretty small, but they have casued some tension at times.

*He went to public school all through grammar and high school, while I always went to private schools. This sounds small, but when we start talking about our future kids and I insist on making sure that my children had all the same benefits that I had growing up it hurt his feelings, which I totally didn''t mean to do. So that became an interesting topic for a while, but we''ve decided that as long as I at least go and look at whatever public school is around with an open mind, and we can afford private school that our kids can go to private school.

*He dated his first girlfriend for three years and they broke up less than 1 month before we started dating. It def. took a while to make me feel like I wasn''t a rebound girl, esp. with his friends. OUr law school friends are fine, but going back to where he lived before law school was tough, b/c all his friends there were/are friends with his ex. So it took time for them to take me and our relationship seriously.

*We are both going to be attorneys, But he is law review, top of the class, going to a HUGE firm. And I''m so proud of him for working so hard and doing so well. I''m bottom half of the class and have always been more interested in public interest work, either DA or legal aid, so being around all those big firm smarty pants sometimes makes me feel dumb. Even though even IF i was in the top of teh class I would still want the lesser paying/less prestigious job.

None of those are big deals, but it def. took us talking through a lot of them during multiple conversations.