girls,did your SO pick up the dinner tab...

[ame]

on your first date?

On our first meeting, no, I wouldn't allow it. On our first real date, yes. Despite my protests.

 

[MonkeyPie]

No. He looked at the bill, and figured out what 50% would be. I was not thrilled about that. Later I let him know that men are supposed to pay for the first date, regardless of the earnings difference. Nowadays, sometimes he will insist to pay for expensive dinners, but with our joint card.

...seriously?

And here I thought women were independent nowadays. I make me own money just fine, thanks - I paid for my half of dinner on our first date.

 

[Lulie]

Of course he did and -still does- Nothing to do with independence, just charming.

 

[MonkeyPie]

Of course he did and -still does- Nothing to do with independence, just charming.

How so? After you get married and are sharing finances, I don't see it as my husband picking up the tab - I see it as US picking up the tab.

 

[tyty333]

On the first few dates - yes, but after that we sort of swapped off.

 

[ImperfectGirl]

No. He looked at the bill, and figured out what 50% would be. I was not thrilled about that. Later I let him know that men are supposed to pay for the first date, regardless of the earnings difference. Nowadays, sometimes he will insist to pay for expensive dinners, but with our joint card.

...seriously?

And here I thought women were independent nowadays. I make me own money just fine, thanks - I paid for my half of dinner on our first date.

Allowing a man to pay for dinner doesn't automatically means that a woman isn't independent. My husband is from the South and was rasied believing that paying on dates was the gentleman thing to do so he wanted to pay. No big deal in my book and I'm plenty independent.

eta: I would have had no problem paying for myself if he didn't hold that belief.

 

[qtiekiki]

I tell a story about this in my class on relationships.

I always tell my students that on a first date the man should always offer to pay, the woman should (if she likes) make a modest attempt to say no she will pay for herself, or she should start slowly reaching for her wallet, and then the man should insist, and she should say "Thank you so much!" and accept.

That is the script that people follow when both people like one another.

Based on eschange theory, tf the woman refuses to accept what is essentially a gift from the man, then it send a message that she is not interested in having an ongoing relationship with him. Same message sent if the man does not pay.

So the whole song and dance is not at all about women's lib or anything of the sort. It is a form on communication between the pair about mutual romantic interest.

I didn't offer to pay for myself or reached for my wallet. Later in our relationship, DH told me that he was expecting me to offer and that it was almost a deal breaker for him.

 

[MonkeyPie]

No. He looked at the bill, and figured out what 50% would be. I was not thrilled about that. Later I let him know that men are supposed to pay for the first date, regardless of the earnings difference. Nowadays, sometimes he will insist to pay for expensive dinners, but with our joint card.

...seriously?

And here I thought women were independent nowadays. I make me own money just fine, thanks - I paid for my half of dinner on our first date.

I doubt allowing a man to pay for dinner automatically means that a woman isn't independent. My husband is from the South and was rasied believing that paying on dates was the gentleman thing to do so he wanted to pay. No big deal in my book and I'm plenty independent.

See, back in the day when the women stayed at home and the man made the money, it made sense for a man to pay. Now that everyone makes money (or should, really) I don't see why it is still assumed a man should pay. Or that if he can't pay every time, then he's a loser or something. Saying a man is SUPPOSED to pay is just ridiculous.

I can see that I am clearly out of the norm on this one Oh well, guess my husband liked it enough to keep me.

 

[Haven]

Yes, he paid for our first date because he is the one who invited me on the date. I didn't do the whole reach for the wallet and pretend to want to pay. It was clear that he was taking me out, he organized the entire evening and was quite proud to introduce me to sushi for the first time ever, and pretending that I wanted to pay would have been disingenuous. (I'm not saying it's always disingenuous, it just would have been in that situation.) We both knew that he was treating me, not just to the meal, but to the whole experience.

In the very beginning of our relationship the person who did the inviting and the organizing did the paying. It was fun to invite him out and plan the day, and of course I paid for it. Once we became more of an item and spending time together was a given rather than the result of an actual invitation, he ended up paying for more of our meals together. We talked about it and that is what he was comfortable doing. I think it was because of societal expectations of the man, but also because I was a poor grad student and he was . . . not.

 

[ImperfectGirl]

No. He looked at the bill, and figured out what 50% would be. I was not thrilled about that. Later I let him know that men are supposed to pay for the first date, regardless of the earnings difference. Nowadays, sometimes he will insist to pay for expensive dinners, but with our joint card.

...seriously?

And here I thought women were independent nowadays. I make me own money just fine, thanks - I paid for my half of dinner on our first date.

I doubt allowing a man to pay for dinner automatically means that a woman isn't independent. My husband is from the South and was rasied believing that paying on dates was the gentleman thing to do so he wanted to pay. No big deal in my book and I'm plenty independent.

See, back in the day when the women stayed at home and the man made the money, it made sense for a man to pay. Now that everyone makes money (or should, really) I don't see why it is still assumed a man should pay. Or that if he can't pay every time, then he's a loser or something. Saying a man is SUPPOSED to pay is just ridiculous.

I can see that I am clearly out of the norm on this one Oh well, guess my husband liked it enough to keep me.

I don't believe that a man is supposed to pay. As I added, I would have had no problem if I had to pay. I'm just saying if a guy feels strongly about paying (and my DH did) why should I force the issue?

 

[Haven]

See, back in the day when the women stayed at home and the man made the money, it made sense for a man to pay. Now that everyone makes money (or should, really) I don't see why it is still assumed a man should pay. Or that if he can't pay every time, then he's a loser or something. Saying a man is SUPPOSED to pay is just ridiculous.
I can see that I am clearly out of the norm on this one Oh well, guess my husband liked it enough to keep me.

I don't think the man should be the one to pay just because he's the man. I think the person who does the inviting should be the one to pay because, essentially, that person is the host of the evening.

 

[qtiekiki]

No. He looked at the bill, and figured out what 50% would be. I was not thrilled about that. Later I let him know that men are supposed to pay for the first date, regardless of the earnings difference. Nowadays, sometimes he will insist to pay for expensive dinners, but with our joint card.

...seriously?

And here I thought women were independent nowadays. I make me own money just fine, thanks - I paid for my half of dinner on our first date.

I doubt allowing a man to pay for dinner automatically means that a woman isn't independent. My husband is from the South and was rasied believing that paying on dates was the gentleman thing to do so he wanted to pay. No big deal in my book and I'm plenty independent.

See, back in the day when the women stayed at home and the man made the money, it made sense for a man to pay. Now that everyone makes money (or should, really) I don't see why it is still assumed a man should pay. Or that if he can't pay every time, then he's a loser or something. Saying a man is SUPPOSED to pay is just ridiculous.

I can see that I am clearly out of the norm on this one Oh well, guess my husband liked it enough to keep me.

I don't think you are out of the norm. I think if I wasn't a college student when I first dated DH, it would be different. I wasn't making money then. And I agree that I consider us picking up the tab when we go out to dinner now. We still thank each other for taking us out to dinner, but I think it's more for the planning/making reservation.

 

[MonkeyPie]

No. He looked at the bill, and figured out what 50% would be. I was not thrilled about that. Later I let him know that men are supposed to pay for the first date, regardless of the earnings difference. Nowadays, sometimes he will insist to pay for expensive dinners, but with our joint card.

...seriously?

And here I thought women were independent nowadays. I make me own money just fine, thanks - I paid for my half of dinner on our first date.

I doubt allowing a man to pay for dinner automatically means that a woman isn't independent. My husband is from the South and was rasied believing that paying on dates was the gentleman thing to do so he wanted to pay. No big deal in my book and I'm plenty independent.

See, back in the day when the women stayed at home and the man made the money, it made sense for a man to pay. Now that everyone makes money (or should, really) I don't see why it is still assumed a man should pay. Or that if he can't pay every time, then he's a loser or something. Saying a man is SUPPOSED to pay is just ridiculous.

I can see that I am clearly out of the norm on this one Oh well, guess my husband liked it enough to keep me.

I don't believe that a man is supposed to pay. As I added, I would have had no problem if I had to pay. I'm just saying if a guy feels strongly about paying (and my DH did) why should I force the issue?

It was Cookie that used the word "supposed", sorry, should have mentioned that.

 

[MonkeyPie]

See, back in the day when the women stayed at home and the man made the money, it made sense for a man to pay. Now that everyone makes money (or should, really) I don't see why it is still assumed a man should pay. Or that if he can't pay every time, then he's a loser or something. Saying a man is SUPPOSED to pay is just ridiculous.
I can see that I am clearly out of the norm on this one Oh well, guess my husband liked it enough to keep me.

I don't think the man should be the one to pay just because he's the man. I think the person who does the inviting should be the one to pay because, essentially, that person is the host of the evening.

I sort of agree here. If a guy asked me out and said something like, "I have this really cool place I would love to take you to!" then I would assume that yeah, he was paying. But maybe it was different for me and DH - there was never really an inviter. I'd say something like, "Hey, I've been dying to see that movie!" And he would say, "Then we should go see it." After the first date we just agreed to go places, and I kept paying half until we got engaged and our finances mingled.

qt, I agree about being a broke student! In that case it should be understood.

 

[MissStepcut]

He always picks up tabs when we go out. I buy the groceries and most cleaning supplies, unless it's grilling meats, which he buys. We tend to abide by traditional gender roles with some tweaks. It works for us. I certainly don't feel the need to assert my independence financially, because when we start a family, my career and earning power will be crippled and his won't.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I can't remember, sadly. I think he offered and I refused to let him pay. We probably argued about it. We still argue about who pays for dinner 12 years later...and we're married. Thank goodness for the joint account, that usually settles the argument.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

Absolutely. We both worked at the same place and made about the same amount of money, but I lived in the city and had a higher rent, etc. and he was VERY determined to cover expenses, no matter how I tried to split the bills. One day we had a rather loud fight on the Garden State Parkway because I wanted to pay for a tankful of gas and I told him to either take the money or it would be our last date {he had a summer house down the shore}--so he did. It took him a while to be comfortable with me paying the bill. We had to settle it before going out to keep things harmonious.

 

[Autumnovember]

I tell a story about this in my class on relationships.

I always tell my students that on a first date the man should always offer to pay, the woman should (if she likes) make a modest attempt to say no she will pay for herself, or she should start slowly reaching for her wallet, and then the man should insist, and she should say "Thank you so much!" and accept.

That is the script that people follow when both people like one another.

Based on eschange theory, tf the woman refuses to accept what is essentially a gift from the man, then it send a message that she is not interested in having an ongoing relationship with him. Same message sent if the man does not pay.

So the whole song and dance is not at all about women's lib or anything of the sort. It is a form on communication between the pair about mutual romantic interest.

I didn't offer to pay for myself or reached for my wallet. Later in our relationship, DH told me that he was expecting me to offer and that it was almost a deal breaker for him.

Funny, later on in mine and FI's relationship he told me the very same thing. He told me it was a big thing for him that I started to take my wallet out and offer to pay for my own half. He said that if I hadn't, he would have been less interested.

 

[SC86]

On our first time hanging out, no. On our first date, yes....and almost everytime since.

 

[Laila619]

No. He looked at the bill, and figured out what 50% would be. I was not thrilled about that. Later I let him know that men are supposed to pay for the first date, regardless of the earnings difference. Nowadays, sometimes he will insist to pay for expensive dinners, but with our joint card.

...seriously?

And here I thought women were independent nowadays. I make me own money just fine, thanks - I paid for my half of dinner on our first date.

To me, it doesn't really matter who makes more money. I can open my own door just fine too and pull out my own chair, but I like it when my hub did this when we were dating. It's just gentlemanly and chivalrous IMO.

 

[iheartscience]

Yep, my husband paid for dinner and the ice cream that followed. I tried to pay for my half but he wasn't having it. I think it's only polite to pay for someone when you ask them out. I think he paid for most of the dates when we first started dating. He was definitely the one asking me out...he pursued me hardcore!

It worked, and now I like to tell him I bet he's sorry he made me keep dating him!

 

[Laila619]

See, back in the day when the women stayed at home and the man made the money, it made sense for a man to pay. Now that everyone makes money (or should, really) I don't see why it is still assumed a man should pay. Or that if he can't pay every time, then he's a loser or something. Saying a man is SUPPOSED to pay is just ridiculous.
I can see that I am clearly out of the norm on this one Oh well, guess my husband liked it enough to keep me.

I don't think the man should be the one to pay just because he's the man. I think the person who does the inviting should be the one to pay because, essentially, that person is the host of the evening.

This too--I agree, Haven. If a guy specifically asked me out for a date, and then asked me for my half at the end of that date, I'd be, well, not happy.

 

[Lulie]

Of course he did and -still does- Nothing to do with independence, just charming.

How so? After you get married and are sharing finances, I don't see it as my husband picking up the tab - I see it as US picking up the tab.

Too much info but here it goes MonkeyP:

a] We live in one income [TWO income family] therefore, he technically pays for everything.
b] still love dating him!

 

[trillionaire]

technically our first date was an office party for my job at a restaurant, so neither of us paid... but after that, yes, he paid

 

[aviastar]

Yes; we went to a free outdoor concert and then he treated to Root Beer Floats afterwards. I don't remember when we started swapping, fairly soon I think. But he did pick me up for the first month or so and even now, even if we take my car he usually drives. I don't mind a fair trade on gas/wear and tear, but I don't enjoy driving as much as he does.

 

[jewelerman]

See, back in the day when the women stayed at home and the man made the money, it made sense for a man to pay. Now that everyone makes money (or should, really) I don't see why it is still assumed a man should pay. Or that if he can't pay every time, then he's a loser or something. Saying a man is SUPPOSED to pay is just ridiculous.
I can see that I am clearly out of the norm on this one Oh well, guess my husband liked it enough to keep me.

I don't think the man should be the one to pay just because he's the man. I think the person who does the inviting should be the one to pay because, essentially, that person is the host of the evening.

Haven,
Thank you!!!This is the way i was raised...that the person inviting the guest is the one to pay for dinner unless other arrangements are made in advance when the invitation is accepted.I agree that in today's society where both men and women are making money then it should be expected that if a couple are continually dating then both persons should take equal share of paying for meals and entertainment.To think that just because a person is a male that he he should shoulder all the monetary responsibility for the female is Victorian in thought, taking advantage of the guy as a meal ticket and in poor form.I enjoy asking someone out to dinner(whether it be a lady out on a date or a male friend to catch up)and paying,but after about the third time out i expect that there is interest enough there for her to invite me to dinner as her guest.I once was asked by a lady on a first date to go to a play where the tickets were expensive.When she phoned me i told her i would accept only if i could pay for dinner and she agreed.After dinner we went to pick up the tickets and when the box office man handed us our tickets and expected payment she said to him that i was paying for them! I handed her the tickets and told her to have a nice time at the play and left(we drove separate cars).I am more then a wallet in a relationship.

 

[cookies]

It seems my use of the words "men are supposed to pay" caused some discomfort. I apologize to those who were offended.

I am independent. My DH and I have been splitting all the bills 50/50, ever since we met each other. I am also very traditional. Girls nowadays date so many guys that the first date may not mean much any more. But I view my first date just as important as the engagement and the wedding. I don't think I am too unusual. After all, so many women still expect their man to propose with a beautiful ring. It is about the gesture, the tradition, not the amount of money spent, or the financial independence.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I tell a story about this in my class on relationships.

I always tell my students that on a first date the man should always offer to pay, the woman should (if she likes) make a modest attempt to say no she will pay for herself, or she should start slowly reaching for her wallet, and then the man should insist, and she should say "Thank you so much!" and accept.

That is the script that people follow when both people like one another.

Based on eschange theory, tf the woman refuses to accept what is essentially a gift from the man, then it send a message that she is not interested in having an ongoing relationship with him. Same message sent if the man does not pay.

So the whole song and dance is not at all about women's lib or anything of the sort. It is a form on communication between the pair about mutual romantic interest.

If this is the case, then it's more deeply rooted in social expectations of male and female roles than even I suspected.

If I'm understanding this correctly, the communication exchange is based on the assumption that the first date payment is a gift to express and enquire about interest, but somehow implicit in that is that the gift should be offered by the male and be open to acceptance or rejection by the female. That (to me) says something very fundamental about roles and expectations (or maybe just biology) as well as communication of attraction.

You understand correctly, and I think it is deep rooted. Not in biology perhaps (though evolutionary psychologists would argue it is biological), but in social scripts we learn and internalize from a very very young age. However, even great apes display exchange rules in their relationships (exchange rules that are complex) so maybe the evolutionary types are on to something.

 

[jewelerman]

cookie,
I took no offense to you post at all, i fact i do agree that if a guy asks you out on a first date then he should pay for the evening unless other arrangements are made.There have been a few topics like this in the past and i always respond with my opinion.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I tell a story about this in my class on relationships.

I always tell my students that on a first date the man should always offer to pay, the woman should (if she likes) make a modest attempt to say no she will pay for herself, or she should start slowly reaching for her wallet, and then the man should insist, and she should say "Thank you so much!" and accept.

That is the script that people follow when both people like one another.

Based on eschange theory, tf the woman refuses to accept what is essentially a gift from the man, then it send a message that she is not interested in having an ongoing relationship with him. Same message sent if the man does not pay.

So the whole song and dance is not at all about women's lib or anything of the sort. It is a form on communication between the pair about mutual romantic interest.

I didn't offer to pay for myself or reached for my wallet. Later in our relationship, DH told me that he was expecting me to offer and that it was almost a deal breaker for him.

hee hee. That implies you are a money grubber or feel entitled. Funny, would he have let you pay if you offered or did he just want to see you try? ETA: Same question for you Autumn November.