girls,did your SO pick up the dinner tab...

[Skippy123]

Gosh, I didn't realize this would get heated or a little heated. lol

I will start of by mentioning how long ago this was, 1995. He paid for most of the dates. I paid for some. We got married and life was good! ha! I thought men usually paid for the first date but women should offer to pay half. Or at least take turns. I don't know what is now the norm?

Oh and since he asked I figured he would pay back then. lol He brought flowers and we ate at a Mexican restaurant that changed hands to another Mexican restaurant. haha!

 

[annee]

Yes, always! Even when it's supposed to be my treat he would manage to sneak away to pay the tab before I get to it.

 

[Skippy123]

Yes, always! Even when it's supposed to be my treat he would manage to sneak away to pay the tab before I get to it.

aww, that is sweet!

 

[qtiekiki]

I tell a story about this in my class on relationships.

I always tell my students that on a first date the man should always offer to pay, the woman should (if she likes) make a modest attempt to say no she will pay for herself, or she should start slowly reaching for her wallet, and then the man should insist, and she should say "Thank you so much!" and accept.

That is the script that people follow when both people like one another.

Based on eschange theory, tf the woman refuses to accept what is essentially a gift from the man, then it send a message that she is not interested in having an ongoing relationship with him. Same message sent if the man does not pay.

So the whole song and dance is not at all about women's lib or anything of the sort. It is a form on communication between the pair about mutual romantic interest.

I didn't offer to pay for myself or reached for my wallet. Later in our relationship, DH told me that he was expecting me to offer and that it was almost a deal breaker for him.

hee hee. That implies you are a money grubber or feel entitled. Funny, would he have let you pay if you offered or did he just want to see you try? ETA: Same question for you Autumn November.

No, he wouldn't have let me pay. He said it would've been nice if I tried. I never thought about the implication of being a gold digger until he pointed out to me. We were dating long distance, so I did pay for my first trip visiting him. And I think that made him not feel taken for. Not sure.

 

[MonkeyPie]

No. He looked at the bill, and figured out what 50% would be. I was not thrilled about that. Later I let him know that men are supposed to pay for the first date, regardless of the earnings difference. Nowadays, sometimes he will insist to pay for expensive dinners, but with our joint card.

...seriously?

And here I thought women were independent nowadays. I make me own money just fine, thanks - I paid for my half of dinner on our first date.

To me, it doesn't really matter who makes more money. I can open my own door just fine too and pull out my own chair, but I like it when my hub did this when we were dating. It's just gentlemanly and chivalrous IMO.

I agree, I don't think it matters who makes more money, either. But I liked for men I dated (and I didn't date many at all) to know that I didn't NEED them to pay for me, nor did I expect them to. If I wanted to go to dinner, then I was perfectly willing to pay for it, date or not. After all, a date is a mutual decision to go out - no one is forced, or at least I hope not!

 

[Colltee]

[
I can see that I am clearly out of the norm on this one Oh well, guess my husband liked it enough to keep me.

No you're not. I would be mortified if my now husband paid for me every time we went out when we were dating. I think expecting a man to do so is archaic, patronising, sexist and rude. It's 2011 and there's no excuse for a woman who is earning a wage not to pay her own way or at least make a firm and honest offer to do so. If the bloke insists on paying and is adamant about it, fair enough, you graciously accept. But I would reverse the situation on the next date and insist I pay. It's only fair.

 

[missy]

I have to laugh at how judgmental some of you are being. Just because you think it should be one way does not make it right for every couple. There is no universal right way to date just as there is no universal right way to be a happy couple. What matters is that it works for both people in the relationship.

 

[AmeliaG]

I think for couples following traditional roles in this, it kinda evens itself out. When we go out, my SO does the invite and he pays. When I offer to cook dinner at my place, I buy the groceries and the wine and do all the cooking. Now I'm a pretty good cook and I enjoy it so it works out pretty evenly. Actually we eat more dinners at my place so maybe it doesn't. I don't care; it works.

Just because we follow traditional roles in this doesn't mean we're traditional in everything.

 

[amc80]

I don't think the man should be the one to pay just because he's the man. I think the person who does the inviting should be the one to pay because, essentially, that person is the host of the evening.

This. My fiance paid for our first date. I've been on A LOT of first dates. I always let a guy ask me out, and I always let him pay. Sometimes I'd make a gesture towards my purse and only rarely has a guy actually taken me up on my offer to pay my share. Yes I can pay for my own meal (and car and mortgage, etc.), but that doesn't mean I don't like to be treated by the person who asked me out. One time I met someone at Starbuck's for a first date and he had gotten there early and bought his drink, so I had to go stand in line to get mine before we could even start talking. Even if I were meeting a friend I would text/call them to see what they wanted, or I'd just wait until they got there. No second date for that one.

 

[iLander]

My DH asked me to lunch several times, and insisted on paying even though I thought we were just coworkers.

Then we went on our first date, and he bought me a gold chain because I admired it. He insisted! Then we went to eat at his place and he cooked me a steak.

I was incredibly impressed with him.

Still am, 28 years later.

 

[Haven]

See, back in the day when the women stayed at home and the man made the money, it made sense for a man to pay. Now that everyone makes money (or should, really) I don't see why it is still assumed a man should pay. Or that if he can't pay every time, then he's a loser or something. Saying a man is SUPPOSED to pay is just ridiculous.
I can see that I am clearly out of the norm on this one Oh well, guess my husband liked it enough to keep me.

I don't think the man should be the one to pay just because he's the man. I think the person who does the inviting should be the one to pay because, essentially, that person is the host of the evening.

Haven,
Thank you!!!This is the way i was raised...that the person inviting the guest is the one to pay for dinner unless other arrangements are made in advance when the invitation is accepted.I agree that in today's society where both men and women are making money then it should be expected that if a couple are continually dating then both persons should take equal share of paying for meals and entertainment.To think that just because a person is a male that he he should shoulder all the monetary responsibility for the female is Victorian in thought, taking advantage of the guy as a meal ticket and in poor form.I enjoy asking someone out to dinner(whether it be a lady out on a date or a male friend to catch up)and paying,but after about the third time out i expect that there is interest enough there for her to invite me to dinner as her guest.I once was asked by a lady on a first date to go to a play where the tickets were expensive.When she phoned me i told her i would accept only if i could pay for dinner and she agreed.After dinner we went to pick up the tickets and when the box office man handed us our tickets and expected payment she said to him that i was paying for them! I handed her the tickets and told her to have a nice time at the play and left(we drove separate cars).I am more then a wallet in a relationship.

You're welcome, JMan!
And good for you for leaving the woman standing at the ticket booth. I would have done the same if I were in that situation.

It's obvious that different people have different expectations where this issue is concerned. The only thing that really matters is that both parties in the couple feel the same way, right?

 

[Colltee]

I handed her the tickets and told her to have a nice time at the play and left(we drove separate cars).I am more then a wallet in a relationship.

Love it!
Fair play, she was taking you for a mug - the cheek!

 

[chemgirl]

Yes, but we didn't really have a first date exactly. We'd known each other for years and ran in to each other at a conference. I was starving because my flight came in late and I had been lead to believe there would be food at the after hours networking thingy. There wasn't and I was ready to fall over by 2:00 am. He took me for some fallafal and payed as his way of showing he was interested. The rest of our dates were up in the air...he paid sometimes and I did other times. We didn't really have a system.

ETA: Maybe part of it is a male ego thing? Now that we're married and have joint accounts, DH pays for everything. I haven't reached for a check in almost a year. I never really noticed until now.

 

[MonkeyPie]

It's obvious that different people have different expectations where this issue is concerned. The only thing that really matters is that both parties in the couple feel the same way, right?

True.

 

[TristanC]

I tell a story about this in my class on relationships.

I always tell my students that on a first date the man should always offer to pay, the woman should (if she likes) make a modest attempt to say no she will pay for herself, or she should start slowly reaching for her wallet, and then the man should insist, and she should say "Thank you so much!" and accept.

That is the script that people follow when both people like one another.

Based on eschange theory, tf the woman refuses to accept what is essentially a gift from the man, then it send a message that she is not interested in having an ongoing relationship with him. Same message sent if the man does not pay.

So the whole song and dance is not at all about women's lib or anything of the sort. It is a form on communication between the pair about mutual romantic interest.

Thanks for a different perspective that I've not considered before. Always interesting to see the undertones behind 'automatic' and socially accepted behavior. Regardless of cultural divides and geographical distance.

I remain oddly disconcerted by the number of people who are proud that their SO picks up every single tab every single time though. Unless they are homemakers of course.

 

[jewelerman]

My DH asked me to lunch several times, and insisted on paying even though I thought we were just coworkers.

Then we went on our first date, and he bought me a gold chain because I admired it. He insisted! Then we went to eat at his place and he cooked me a steak.

I was incredibly impressed with him.

Still am, 28 years later.

great story...I'm hoping that you still have and wear that chain!!?I Did this once on a date with a women(but it was a sterling bracelet) and we dated happily for 10 months.Shes married to one of my best friends today and has 3 children.I go to their house every few months for dinner.

 

[Kaleigh]

Yes he did, but that was almost 29 years ago. We were in college and went on a group date to a nice steak house... I didn't expect him to pay, had my own money.. But he insisted. We celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary on the 13th... I often treat him , it all balances out...

 

[Phoenix]

Well, our "first date" wasn't actually a date, because there was a third person, a mutual friend and I think they split the bill. Then, at the second date, which was at a Middle-Eastern restaurant, I insisted on paying (I was a fiercely independent career woman who didn't want men to think I was after their money). He was shocked but happy and the customers at the table next to us (Middle-Eastern men) looked like they were going to pass out!

 

[bee*]

Going forward from that we always split the bill equally, same with drinks in a bar etc. It's rare in Ireland to expect the bloke to pay for you dinner-wise. I think it's a lot more common in the US.

I agree. I can't remember if DH paid or if we split it on our first day. It was 12 years ago so I'm not sure. It wouldn't be expected here though.

 

[yennyfire]

Yes, he picked up the tab for most of our dates, unless I had planned something special as a suprise.

 

[bee*]

I handed her the tickets and told her to have a nice time at the play and left(we drove separate cars).I am more then a wallet in a relationship.

Love it!
Fair play, she was taking you for a mug - the cheek!

I agree. Well done for driving off!

 

[stephbolt]

He did. I offered to pay half, but I would have been a little shocked if he accepted - guess I've got the social script Dreamer explained prettty well ingrained! I paid for part of our second date, and while we were dating paid for maybe 25% of our dates overall. I might have argued to pay more often if I hadn't been a poor graduate student at the time!

 

[jaysonsmom]

My husband asked me for dinner and a movie for our first date. I was surprised that he took me to a fancy french restaurant, because we were both young, and just starting out in our careers. He must have been really trying to impress me. He paid for dinner of course, but I paid for movies, and coffee after the movie because dinner was expensive!

 

[tyty333]

I tell a story about this in my class on relationships.

I always tell my students that on a first date the man should always offer to pay, the woman should (if she likes) make a modest attempt to say no she will pay for herself, or she should start slowly reaching for her wallet, and then the man should insist, and she should say "Thank you so much!" and accept.

That is the script that people follow when both people like one another.

Based on eschange theory, tf the woman refuses to accept what is essentially a gift from the man, then it send a message that she is not interested in having an ongoing relationship with him. Same message sent if the man does not pay.

So the whole song and dance is not at all about women's lib or anything of the sort. It is a form on communication between the pair about mutual romantic interest.

Thanks for a different perspective that I've not considered before. Always interesting to see the undertones behind 'automatic' and socially accepted behavior. Regardless of cultural divides and geographical distance.

I remain oddly disconcerted by the number of people who are proud that their SO picks up every single tab every single time though. Unless they are homemakers of course.

I find this odd too. I would want the guy to understand that I had a vested interest in the relationship and wasnt just using them
for a free meal. Its odd that we all think so differently on the subject.

 

[MissStepcut]

Thanks for a different perspective that I've not considered before. Always interesting to see the undertones behind 'automatic' and socially accepted behavior. Regardless of cultural divides and geographical distance.

I remain oddly disconcerted by the number of people who are proud that their SO picks up every single tab every single time though. Unless they are homemakers of course.

I find this odd too. I would want the guy to understand that I had a vested interest in the relationship and wasnt just using them
for a free meal. Its odd that we all think so differently on the subject.

I see this very differently: in my socioeconomic strata/age group/geographic location, I know a lot of women are very wary that men are only after one thing, and furthermore, pride themselves on getting that one thing as cheaply as possible. Demanding men pay up for dates is a way to test how seriously they're taking this whole dating endeavor, and a way for men to prove themselves. If a guy tried to make me pay for the first date, I would wonder if he wasn't just looking for a cheap ticket into my pants. A thoughtful date that he pays for goes a long way to convincing me he actually wants to date me.

 

[Laila619]

In my experience, most men quite enjoy treating a woman on dates and would never assume a woman is using them. I always thanked my dates profusely and told them how much I enjoyed the dinner/play/movie, etc. Admittedly, I only dated traditional guys though because I wanted a guy who wouldn't mind me being a stay-at-home mom eventually.

My hub is the kind of guy who is super old-school...when we're walking somewhere he insists on walking on the part of the sidewalk closest to the street. I find that sweet!

 

[missy]

In my experience, most men quite enjoy treating a woman on dates and would never assume a woman is using them. I always thanked my dates profusely and told them how much I enjoyed the dinner/play/movie, etc. Admittedly, I only dated traditional guys though because I wanted a guy who wouldn't mind me being a stay-at-home mom eventually.

My hub is the kind of guy who is super old-school...when we're walking somewhere he insists on walking on the part of the sidewalk closest to the street. I find that sweet!

My dh does this too and I find it very sweet and loving as well. He is not super old school at all and in fact totally supported me not taking his last name but he is very chivalrous and I like that. He was a great boyfriend who always looked out for me and he is an even better husband.

 

[iLander]

My DH asked me to lunch several times, and insisted on paying even though I thought we were just coworkers.

Then we went on our first date, and he bought me a gold chain because I admired it. He insisted! Then we went to eat at his place and he cooked me a steak.

I was incredibly impressed with him.

Still am, 28 years later.

great story...I'm hoping that you still have and wear that chain!!?I Did this once on a date with a women(but it was a sterling bracelet) and we dated happily for 10 months.Shes married to one of my best friends today and has 3 children.I go to their house every few months for dinner.

Absolutely, I still have it! It's a herringbone, though, and very kinked up which seems to happen to them spontaneously. I don't care if gold gets to $10K an ounce, I will never sell it.

Is it weird for you that you still see "bracelet girl"? I would feel a bit odd about it . . .

 

[diamondringlover]

Yes he did and most of the time when we went out he picked up the tab...I remember after I knew him for awhile I found out that he was really broke but he put everything on his credit card, which was bad....but that is ok, I moved in with him after I knew him less then a month and I helped him get out of debt....I was happy to help....and as a FYI we been together for 29 years next Feb....

 

[Black Jade]

No, he said he didn't have enough money and couldn't afford so we went dutch.
This was the first time I ever was asked on a date by a guy who admitted to not having enough money (though we were all college students) so I was seriously impressed and thought he was a sensible and honest guy.
Also, he did not pay me a lot of compliments right off which impressed me also--he did not tell me he thought I was pretty until we were dating over a year. I was sick of hearing over exagerrated compliments from guys (who then only wanted one thing) so this impressed me too--as well as the fact that he did not in the least try to get me into bed. I had experiences before with guys who spent lots of money on me on a first date and thought this meant they had bought me, and sometimes even shouted at me that they paid however many dollars to take me out and how dare I not sleep with them because of this expense (can you imagine?) but we went dutch and it was more friendly and so I got to know him and the more I did, the more I liked his values and was impressed.