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Got any jokes?
- Thread starter kenny
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I could not help myself, I had to click on the proof link. If I lived in Canada I would want to live on the other street so when I gave directions I could say, "Make sure you don't turn too soon and end up on That Street."
Wink
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The Golfer and the Leprechaun:
A man had just finished a putt and reached in the hole to get his ball, but pulled out a leprechaun!
"Sure, and ye have me." Cried the leprechaun. "And if ye let me go, for yer tribble, I'll give ye three wishes!"
"Thank you." Said the man. "I don't really need anything, so I'll pass on the wishes." He let the leprechaun go, and went off to finish his game.
The leprechaun was dumbfounded. Who had ever heard of such a thing? He sat on a pebble and thought to himself. "Such a man as that deserves three wishes! I'll give 'em to 'im in spite of 'imself! Now what!!! Why money,of course! Everyone wants money. So, for his first wish he wants to be a Millionaire! And second-let's make him a great golfer! And last-ah! Let him have a wonderful sex life."
A month went by and the leprechaun spotted the man playing on the course again. He jumped out of a hole and yelled up to the man: "How ye be doing?"
The man smiled and said. "Hello, little friend. I be doing just fine."
The leprechaun smiled back and said. "And how's yer money situation, if ye don't mind my asking?"
"It's funny you should ask." Replied the man.
"An uncle of mine passed away and left me a fortune!"
"Hah! Is that so? And how's ya golf game now?"
"It's an amazing thing." Said the man. "For the past few weeks I can't do worse than two under par!"
"Sure and that's wonderful!" With a sly look, the leprechaun asked. "And how's yer sex life?"
The man, obviously embarrassed, looked away and coughed. "Well, it's fine. Two or three times a month."
The leprechaun was aghast. "Two or three times a month? That's horrible!"
The man looked up and said. "Actually, it's not bad for a priest in a small parish."
A man had just finished a putt and reached in the hole to get his ball, but pulled out a leprechaun!
"Sure, and ye have me." Cried the leprechaun. "And if ye let me go, for yer tribble, I'll give ye three wishes!"
"Thank you." Said the man. "I don't really need anything, so I'll pass on the wishes." He let the leprechaun go, and went off to finish his game.
The leprechaun was dumbfounded. Who had ever heard of such a thing? He sat on a pebble and thought to himself. "Such a man as that deserves three wishes! I'll give 'em to 'im in spite of 'imself! Now what!!! Why money,of course! Everyone wants money. So, for his first wish he wants to be a Millionaire! And second-let's make him a great golfer! And last-ah! Let him have a wonderful sex life."
A month went by and the leprechaun spotted the man playing on the course again. He jumped out of a hole and yelled up to the man: "How ye be doing?"
The man smiled and said. "Hello, little friend. I be doing just fine."
The leprechaun smiled back and said. "And how's yer money situation, if ye don't mind my asking?"
"It's funny you should ask." Replied the man.
"An uncle of mine passed away and left me a fortune!"
"Hah! Is that so? And how's ya golf game now?"
"It's an amazing thing." Said the man. "For the past few weeks I can't do worse than two under par!"
"Sure and that's wonderful!" With a sly look, the leprechaun asked. "And how's yer sex life?"
The man, obviously embarrassed, looked away and coughed. "Well, it's fine. Two or three times a month."
The leprechaun was aghast. "Two or three times a month? That's horrible!"
The man looked up and said. "Actually, it's not bad for a priest in a small parish."
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In Jerusalem, a journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.
She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview. “Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”
“For about 50 years.” Said the old man.
“50 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”
“Well, I pray for peace. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up wise, in safety and friendship.”
“How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?”
“Like I’m talking to a wall!”
She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview. “Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”
“For about 50 years.” Said the old man.
“50 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”
“Well, I pray for peace. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up wise, in safety and friendship.”
“How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?”
“Like I’m talking to a wall!”
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DejaWiz
Ideal_Rock
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Lt. Col Andrew Miller.
September 21, 2035.
This will be my final log entry.
The victors normally write the history books.
I am hoping this somehow survives, even if I don't.
For the past 5 years, The United States military has been fighting an insurgency against what became known as The People's Republic of Pineapple Pizza. We came to refer to them as "PROPP."
I think our mistake was not taking them seriously enough at first.
We dismissed them as nothing more than a fringe organization.
Their numbers grew.
Full of defectors and traitors, people who thought pineapple on pizza was perfectly acceptable. Some even thought it was delicious.
We never could understand the enemy.
One of our many mistakes.
The fighting started in New York City. The Pizza capital of the world. Also the disarmed capital of the world. It quickly fell.
Then Chicago.
Then the entire east coast.
It burned its way east to west.
There were atrocities along the way on both sides.
There were no angels on the battlefield.
There was, however, a gentleman's agreement never to use nuclear weapons. I'm surprised it stood.
Anyway, it's all over now.
The remaining few of us mounted a final stand in Anchorage, Alaska.
We could fight to the last, but the war is clearly over. My officers are making contact with the enemy and going over the terms of the surrender.
I won't be going with them.
It's over for this old war horse.
I'm going to enjoy my last meal with a cigar, cognac, a slice of pepperoni the way God intended...and my pistol.
I don't know what this new world will bring, but I won't be a part of it.
End log.
September 21, 2035.
This will be my final log entry.
The victors normally write the history books.
I am hoping this somehow survives, even if I don't.
For the past 5 years, The United States military has been fighting an insurgency against what became known as The People's Republic of Pineapple Pizza. We came to refer to them as "PROPP."
I think our mistake was not taking them seriously enough at first.
We dismissed them as nothing more than a fringe organization.
Their numbers grew.
Full of defectors and traitors, people who thought pineapple on pizza was perfectly acceptable. Some even thought it was delicious.
We never could understand the enemy.
One of our many mistakes.
The fighting started in New York City. The Pizza capital of the world. Also the disarmed capital of the world. It quickly fell.
Then Chicago.
Then the entire east coast.
It burned its way east to west.
There were atrocities along the way on both sides.
There were no angels on the battlefield.
There was, however, a gentleman's agreement never to use nuclear weapons. I'm surprised it stood.
Anyway, it's all over now.
The remaining few of us mounted a final stand in Anchorage, Alaska.
We could fight to the last, but the war is clearly over. My officers are making contact with the enemy and going over the terms of the surrender.
I won't be going with them.
It's over for this old war horse.
I'm going to enjoy my last meal with a cigar, cognac, a slice of pepperoni the way God intended...and my pistol.
I don't know what this new world will bring, but I won't be a part of it.
End log.
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Is it comparing apples to oranges to say, Steve Jobs would have made a better President than Trump?
In this difficult time we should all lend a helping hand to others.
Just today I helped my neighbor bury a heavy bulky rolled-up large rug in the woods behind her house.
Her husband would have helped, but he was out of town.
The world's oldest man died today ... but, how can this keep happening to him?
I booked a flight today and the travel agent asked, "Window or aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll what?"
My doctor told me I have constipation.
I told her, I don't give a $hit.
In this difficult time we should all lend a helping hand to others.
Just today I helped my neighbor bury a heavy bulky rolled-up large rug in the woods behind her house.
Her husband would have helped, but he was out of town.
The world's oldest man died today ... but, how can this keep happening to him?
I booked a flight today and the travel agent asked, "Window or aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll what?"
My doctor told me I have constipation.
I told her, I don't give a $hit.
Last edited:
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