Got any jokes?

[missy]

 

[missy]

A very successful lawyer had just parked his brand-new Bentley in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a policeman in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Bentley with his lights flashing.

Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Bentley, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally calmed down from his rant,
the policeman shook his head in disbelief saying,
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are. You are so focussed on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?", asked the lawyer
The policeman replied,
"Don't you even realise that your left arm is missing?
It was severed when the truck hit you!".

"OH, MY GOD!!!",
screamed the lawyer.
"My Rolex!".

 

[kenny]

 

[kenny]

 

[missy]

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears;
“ You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side
You know what?”
“What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
”I think you’re bad luck.”

 

[missy]

 

[kenny]

If the the government is putting chips inside people, I hope I get Lay's BBQ flavor.

According to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.

A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

My doctor told me to stop masturbating.
I asked for how long.
"At least till I finish your exam."

I opened up a bar for guys with erectile dysfunction, but it was a flop.
Nobody came.

A frog asks a fortune teller if he is going meet a young girl.
The psychic tells him, "Yes, you are."
The frog replies, "Where, in a bar or at a party?"
The psychic says, "In a biology class."

 

[missy]

If the the government is putting chips inside people, I hope I get Lay's BBQ flavor.

According to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.

A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

My doctor told me to stop masturbating.
I asked for how long.
"At least till I finish your exam."

I opened up a bar for guys with erectile dysfunction, but it was a flop.
Nobody came.

A frog asks a fortune teller if he is going meet a young girl.
The psychic tells him, "Yes, you are."
The frog replies, "Where, in a bar or at a party?"
The psychic says, "In a biology class."

LOL

 

[DejaWiz]

 

[DejaWiz]

 

[DejaWiz]

 

[Karl_K]

Finally learned why you can't use a wooden spoon on a Teflon pan​

It's non-stick

 

[Karl_K]

It's 80+ years since non stick pans were invented (Teflon 193​

Where is the non stick toilet bowl?

 

[Karl_K]

Do you know the difference between a toilet and a pan?​

Spoiler

If you clicked to see the answer don’t ever ask me to eat at your place please!!

 

[runner321]

Two fish in a tank. One says: “How do you drive this thing?”

Untitled Document

 

[runner321]

Two fish in a tank. One says: “How do you drive this thing?”
Dickens and His Carol

Untitled Document

 

[missy]

“Aw, look at all these photos of us wearing masks, back when we were all able to live aboveground.”

 

[kenny]

I hear you're required to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in London.
But how the hell am I supposed to know whether it’s raining in London?

 

[pearlsngems]

My daughter told me this one yesterday:

Question: What do the movies The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common?

(To avoid spoilers, the answer is written in white text-- highlight it to read the answer.)

Answer: I see dead people / Icy dead people.

 

[kenny]

When do two rights make a wrong?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
When you grab two right shoes

 

[DejaWiz]

Did you hear about the amazing new restaurant in Northwest Canada?

It's all Yukon eat!

 

[DejaWiz]

My wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down.

 

[DejaWiz]

I don't mean to brag, but cashiers are always checking me out...

 

[DejaWiz]

The shovel: such a groundbreaking invention!

 

[missy]

 

[missy]

 

[Garnetgirl]

Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

 

[Garnetgirl]

I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

 

[Garnetgirl]

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do, it’s because I missed my exit.

 

[Garnetgirl]

Camping: Where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.