Got any jokes?

[Garnetgirl]

If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it." That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

 

[Garnetgirl]

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, "Close enough.."

 

[Garnetgirl]

Today, in the cutest voice, my 8-year-old daughter asked me to start recycling. I chuckled and asked, "Why?"

She replied, "So you can help me save the planet."

I chuckled again and asked, "And why do you want to save the planet?"

Because that’s where I keep all my stuff," she said.

 

[Wink]

If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it." That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

Back in 1972 when I came back to the States from my 3 year posting in Brasil, I would occasionally be talking with someone and if I could not remember the English word for something I would use the Portuguese word. I am pretty sure from the looks I got that no one thought I was bilingual instead of an idiot...

Wink

 

[missy]

 

[Wink]

Warning to self. Never have a mouthful of hot coffee when opening this thread...

 

[DejaWiz]

During the Irish Potato Famine of the mid-1800s, the news quickly spread through Europe that a plant disease was the culprit of the potato crops failing, causing the mass starvation.

Herr Kuhl, a farmer and rancher in Germany, was sitting at his breakfast table one early morning reading the newspaper which stated the cause was because of the crop disease, and it was starting to appear in other countries outside of Ireland.
Being completely shocked by the revelation, Herr Kuhl sprang up from his chair and hastily head towards his fields to check on his potatoes.
Pleasantly surprised and extremely relieved, he saw no signs of the potato crop disease that was wreaking havoc throughout Ireland and some other areas of Europe. It dawned on him that it must be a different species of potato that the crop disease was affecting.

Feeling bad for all the suffering that was sweeping across Ireland and now making its way to different European nations, Herr Kuhl made up his mind that he had to do something. Since the crop disease wasn't affecting his species of potato, he promptly dug up quite a few of the tasty tubers and hauled them to the workbench in his barn.

Exhausted after spending almost two full days non-stop to carefully slice up his potatoes and wrap them into a few hundred packages, he mustered the energy to load them onto his wagon, hitch up the horses, and made his way into town to visit the Postverein (post office system).

After arriving, he unloaded the hundreds of small packages and asked the Postmeister to have them sent to the various large landowners and crop farmers throughout Ireland. Feeling as if this was a bit of a peculiar request, the Postmeister asked Herr Kuhl what the packages contained. Explaining as best as he could that they were slices of potatoes that could be replanted in soil then would grow without the worry of the crop disease but cautioned him that time was of the essence and the packages must be kept out of the harsh heat, then reiterated about the importance of the time and temperature concerns to prevent spoilage, the Postmeister assured the farmer/rancher that he would carry out his request and sent him on his way home.

Doing his best to translate simple instructions and a brief description into English, the Postmeister and his crew finished labeling the hundreds of packages and had them dispatched to their final destinations.

The very first delivery was completed to the home of a famished landowner in Ireland that had twenty thousand acres of potato crops decimated. A farmhand accepted the package while the crop leader was out.

Returning later that evening, the crop leader noticed the package on the table, to which she asked the farmhand about it. Having no idea other than being told it was from a German farmer, the farmhand placed the package in her hands. Turning it over and around until she saw the label, her eyes went wide with astonishment and a wave of relief washed over her:
"Cool Ranch Potato Chips - Dig In"

 

[Garnetgirl]

The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub near Dublin.

There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked him, "What are you doing?

Fishing, replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me.

In the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a superior smart ass, cannot resist asking, “So how many have you caught today?

"You're the 8th", replied the old man.

 

[Garnetgirl]

 

[kenny]

Tom sees a sign in front of a house, "Talking Dog For Sale".
He rings the bell and the owner brings the dog over.

"You talk?", Tom asks the dog.
"Sure, probably better than you."

Tom is amazed and asks, "So, what's your story?"

Dog says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was a puppy. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. Nobody figured a dog could be eavesdropping.

"I was their most valuable spy for eight years. But the traveling really wore me out, and I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for airport security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

Tom is amazed and asks the dog's price.
"Ten bucks," the guy says.
"Ten bucks? But this dog is amazing! Why so cheap??"

"Because he's a damn liar. He never did any of that sh!t."

 

[missy]

 

[missy]

 

[missy]

 

[Garnetgirl]

My goal for 2020 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 16 to go.

I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

 

[missy]

 

[kenny]

When I went bald I kept my comb.
I just couldn't part with it.

Edam, the only cheese that is made backwards.

When I walked through a corn maze I felt like I was being stalked.
It was earie.

I knew a guy who said, when one door closes, another opens.
Great guy, just a terrible cabinet maker.

A Latinx firefighter had twins named Jose and Hose B

A drummer named both of her twin girls Anna ............. Anna-one and Anna-two ...

I told my doctor I keep hearing a buzzing sound!
Doctor said, don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around.

There was a kidnapping at school today.
It's ok though, the kid finally woke up.

I just finished writing a book on penguins.
It was the most difficult book I've ever written.
It might have been easier if I had written it on paper.

We had a a funeral wreath made for our good friend in the shape of a life preserver.
We felit it is what he would have wanted.

 

[missy]

 

[missy]

 

[kenny]

Cooking show I desperately want ...
Professional chefs compete to wow and astound armchair amateur food critics who don't know their s&!+ about anything - then get eliminated on totally arbitrary grounds, such as, " ... but I don't like garlic."

 

[kenny]

Life Advice Lesson #10 ...

Ask people questions that give them the opportunity to talk about themselves.
For example ask them, "What the Hell is wrong with you?"

 

[kenny]

First they came for the verbs and I said nothing because verbing weirds language.
Then they arrival for the nouns, and I speech non because I museum adverbial participles.

 

[missy]

 

[kenny]

If you're clumsy enough any stairway is a stairway to heaven.

Please vaccinate. I have no desire to learn the entire Greek alphabet.

An old man says ...
When I was a boy mom gave me a dollar and sent me to the store.
I came back with a pound of cheese, a pound of hamburger, a dozen eggs, a gallon of milk, and two loaves of bread.
You just can't do that anymore; too many figging security cameras.

A cuttlefish is not a fish.
A starfish is not a fish.
A Jellyfish is not a fish.
A silverfish is not a fish.
A shellfish is not a fish.
But you're telling me that a seahorse is a fish?

UPS tracking, "Your package is in Chicago on a truck driven by Bob, and will be at your door at 2:37 PM.
FedEx, We might have your package. If we do there's a possibility you'll get it when we give it to you."
USPS, "You ordered something?"
Amazon, "We're in your living room now with your package."
Facebook, "We saw you reading blender reviews, so here are 27 ads for blenders.

Jesus invites prostitutes to dinner and he's the light of the world.
I do it and I'm, "making Thanksgiving awkward".
Sheesh!

Dear Mr. Algebra, please stop asking us to find your X.
She's gone, and she's never coming back.
And don't ask us to figure out Y.

 

[missy]

 

[kenny]

missy, please stop making fun of me.

 

[missy]

missy, please stop making fun of me.

Haha I was actually making fun of myself

Even though I am technically Gen X I am more like a baby boomer when it comes to technology.

 

[kenny]

Hillary Clinton phones Ghisalaine Maxwell and says, "Hey girl! This is Hilly - just checking to see if you wanted to hang later tonight?"

 

[missy]

 

[kenny]

Overheard at the pool ...

“Have you read Marx?”
“Yes. I think it’s these wicker chairs.”

 

[kenny]