He told me I could let him know when I was ready to go pick out a ring

[therighttime]

Thank you EVERYONE for all your replies! I have read each one several times and given all your advice and comments a lot of thought. It''s comforting to read that there are other men who needed ''help'' in getting things going. I guess what bothered me the most is that I thought that during the last 5 months he was working on something, and he wasn''t.

I did talk to him about things on our drive to my dad''s (as much as possible with an inquisitive 8 year old in the car who didn''t want to sleep much.) My BF has the "gift" to communicate with people and make them come away feeling better. He works for hospice and also for a funeral home and his job is to make people feel better after talking to him. They bring him in to deal with clients in difficult situations too. He, unfortunately, can use this uh ''gift'' on me and sometimes I come away from a conversation feeling better, but with no resolution, if this makes any sense. I think this is what has happened before during the past 5 months. He would say something and I''d think he was working on it so I''d feel better, but there would be no plan or resolution. Anyway, we talked some and basically he told me that if I was ready to be engaged then we''d go get a ring or he''d go get one if I''d rather have it that way. I told him that I didn''t really care about the ring, but that I did want to be ASKED to marry him... with or without a ring. He said, of course he would do that. I asked him about HIM, being ready though, and he said he had been for a long time.....

I couldn''t help but hope he would somehow magically propose new year''s eve. Since I made it clear I didn''t need a ring.. it would''ve taken no advance preparation for him to propose. But, he didn''t. So I have to admit I am disappointed to have been on the "waiting for year-end proposal" and nothing happened.

AND this morning I heard from yet another good friend who called to tell me about her proposal last night. She sent pics of the ring as well. Of course, this couple has been dating far less time than my bf and I have been dating. ugh!! I don''t know why it is this complicated for me and I can''t help but think that he just doesn''t WANT to propose or he could''ve done it a million times by now. I am more upset than I thought I''d be.

I think, once again, I left things unresolved in the conversation the other day. Still, there is no real plan, and I don''t think patiently waiting is going to work with him. AT least I am learning how our communication process works/ doesn''t work, before we do get married... if he ever asks me!!!!!

On a positive note, my dad is doing very well. He is HOME from rehab and is walking on his own. It was a very fast recovery and I''m so thankful for all the doctor''s who diagnosed him so quickly so he could get well.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Wonderful news about your Dad! I was thinking...is it possible your bf was shopping around but became overwhelmed and wasn''t sure what to get you? (I am NOT making an excuse for him just wondering.) Either way, take that man shopping!!!

 

[KimberlyH]

If it''s not about the ring, but is about the proposal go shopping give it back to him and then set a reasonable timeframe together (i.e. we''ll be engaged by the end of Jan., or Valentine''s Day, etc.). This gives him the opportunity to give you what you want (a proposal) and frees him up from what could be a very scary experience for men, ring shopping!

Best of luck to you!

 

[Regular Guy]

1) I may really not have good advice for you, but..
2) I can't resist, as I feel your pain.

Where you say:

Date: 1/1/2007 4:17:01 PM
Author: therighttime
Anyway, we talked some and basically he told me that if I was ready to be engaged then we'd go get a ring or he'd go get one if I'd rather have it that way. I told him that I didn't really care about the ring, but that I did want to be ASKED to marry him... with or without a ring. He said, of course he would do that. I asked him about HIM, being ready though, and he said he had been for a long time.....


I think, once again, I left things unresolved in the conversation the other day. Still, there is no real plan, and I don't think patiently waiting is going to work with him. AT least I am learning how our communication process works/ doesn't work, before we do get married... if he ever asks me!!!!!

3) So...especially not being there, I don't know what's going on, and
4) though I would seek the resolution you perhaps intuitively...despite your later thought you should have sought it...did think not to reach for
5) in something like this form...

"So you're ready a long time, and you know I want to be asked...you know I want you...unprompted....to say...."Will you marry me..."...but just so I know you know this is really is where I think we are...I'm guessing if say...in the next week or so, at your convenience, if you don't get around to doing that....I should probably understand you're not ready after all, and I might, like you might, consider other options. If you need more than a week, you can feel free to tell me now, of course. Otherwise, take your time in the next 7 days. If I do hear from you, you'll know what I'll tell you, and if I don't hear from you...I'll know what that means, too."

The other girls here may be wiser than I. Being formal has its place. Depends on things known & unknown here.

This is one approach. Consider modifying 7 days to 30 days, but make the number crisp and unmistakable.


(edited to add...)...

Consider the above plan B
Not sure the extent to which you may or may not have formalized plan A.

Plan A would look like what you've been doing, but might be making it more formal for yourself. So, this would involve you're doing nothing...till Valentines Day or beyond...but setting in your mind more formally a date by which you would engage plan B...and in the meanwhile, letting both a) time and b) the conviction you would have in your plan A to radiate, meanwhile...helping to let time work it's magic.



Really best wishes...

 

[Larissa]

I''m confused.
1 - Was the argeement that he would propose, with or without ring, and then if it was without ring you two would go pick one together?
2 - Or was the agreement that you say that you were ready to pick out the ring, the ring would be picked, he would take said ring and use it to propose at a later date?

If you''re thinking 1 and he''s thinking 2 then there''s no way a New Year''s Eve, Valentine''s Day or any other random day proposal will happen.

 

[janinegirly]

hi righttime, first off--great news about your dad!!
as for your bf, i don''t doubt that he loves you/wants to marry you, but again, i see this as a communication issue. I think more open, raw and honest communication is needed b/c it seems like he means well but is not understanding what you''re asking for (or how you''d like it). And I really don''t think there''s anything wrong with wanting a traditional proposal and for him to show a little more proactive initiative. Instead it seems like he is waiting for you to say "go do this and I''ll tell you exactly what to buy". Again, for me it wasn''t about the ring,(but of course I was thrilled to see something beautiful), so I didn''t care about being part of the search (but I''m in the minority on that on this board)--but it was more about the love shown in taking the time to find a ring. It seems like you might feel the same way and it is possible for him to accomplish this even if you tell him exactly what kind of ring you''d like.
Anyway, I think you need to be v. upfront, tell him what you''d like, tell him your timeframe and tell him how this is affecting you (all the waiting, hoping and then finding out he''s just been waiting for you to say more,etc). So far you''ve given him plenty of room..it''s time to maybe remind him this is something v. important to you and him showing proactiveness is a sign of his commitment to you (for you). If you make it very clear and he says he understands, then you can back off and give him some room.
Anyway, I''m sure it''s coming soon, but this is a crucial time to make things clear and work out your communication styles..otherwise you risk the 2 of you talking, but not really HEARING or hearing two different things. I think you''re very close though..I''ve been at this stage too! Here''s to Righttime havign a proposal by Valentine''s Day or sooner!!!

 

[therighttime]

Date: 1/1/2007 6:38:14 PM
Author: Regular Guy
1) I may really not have good advice for you, but..
2) I can''t resist, as I feel your pain.

Where you say:

Date: 1/1/2007 4:17:01 PM
Author: therighttime
Anyway, we talked some and basically he told me that if I was ready to be engaged then we''d go get a ring or he''d go get one if I''d rather have it that way. I told him that I didn''t really care about the ring, but that I did want to be ASKED to marry him... with or without a ring. He said, of course he would do that. I asked him about HIM, being ready though, and he said he had been for a long time.....


I think, once again, I left things unresolved in the conversation the other day. Still, there is no real plan, and I don''t think patiently waiting is going to work with him. AT least I am learning how our communication process works/ doesn''t work, before we do get married... if he ever asks me!!!!!

3) So...especially not being there, I don''t know what''s going on, and
4) though I would seek the resolution you perhaps intuitively...despite your later thought you should have sought it...did think not to reach for
5) in something like this form...

''So you''re ready a long time, and you know I want to be asked...you know I want you...unprompted....to say....''Will you marry me...''...but just so I know you know this is really is where I think we are...I''m guessing if say...in the next week or so, at your convenience, if you don''t get around to doing that....I should probably understand you''re not ready after all, and I might, like you might, consider other options. If you need more than a week, you can feel free to tell me now, of course. Otherwise, take your time in the next 7 days. If I do hear from you, you''ll know what I''ll tell you, and if I don''t hear from you...I''ll know what that means, too.''

The other girls here may be wiser than I. Being formal has its place. Depends on things known & unknown here.

This is one approach. Consider modifying 7 days to 30 days, but make the number crisp and unmistakable.


(edited to add...)...

Consider the above plan B
Not sure the extent to which you may or may not have formalized plan A.

Plan A would look like what you''ve been doing, but might be making it more formal for yourself. So, this would involve you''re doing nothing...till Valentines Day or beyond...but setting in your mind more formally a date by which you would engage plan B...and in the meanwhile, letting both a) time and b) the conviction you would have in your plan A to radiate, meanwhile...helping to let time work it''s magic.



Really best wishes...

Thank you so much for your reply. It really seems so simply to read it like this. I do need to just say the words and have a PLAN as you say. I just never really thought I''d have to give him an ultimatum or a "push." He was the one who brought up marriage long before I did, and he was the one that eagerly talked about marriage to my dad. I didn''t know he would then get stuck!

 

[therighttime]

Date: 1/2/2007 6:21:54 AM
Author: Larissa
I''m confused.
1 - Was the argeement that he would propose, with or without ring, and then if it was without ring you two would go pick one together?
2 - Or was the agreement that you say that you were ready to pick out the ring, the ring would be picked, he would take said ring and use it to propose at a later date?

If you''re thinking 1 and he''s thinking 2 then there''s no way a New Year''s Eve, Valentine''s Day or any other random day proposal will happen.

Hi Larissa... I think the problem was that there WAS NO agreement at all. I just told him (again) that he didn''t need a ring to propose. I thought this might free him up to do it sooner if the actual process of buying a ring was what was holding him back. Like I said though, I don''t think anything really was decided and there was no plan in place, which is why I am still so torn.

 

[therighttime]

Here''s to Righttime havign a proposal by Valentine''s Day or sooner!!!

Valentine''s Day?? ugh... seems so far away. Thanks for the encouraging words, Janine! I do think we are at a communication standstill at this point.

 

[Hopes]

It really sounds like he wants the marriage, but doesn''t know how to proceed at this point. It could be that he that he doesn''t know what kind of ring you like, or when exactly you''d want it, or is waiting on you to iron out all the details. Sometimes men are just stuck when it comes to matters like this. They''ll say "I want to marry you" over and over again, but then you have to shove them along with direct instructions as to exactly which ring to buy from where, how big, how much, what it looks like, and when you want it.

You say that you aren''t communicating much about this. If this is the only thing you can''t come to agreement about, but you can talk about other things, then it''s not such a big deal. No matter how much you communicate, he will probably still come back to you with "But what do you want, dear? I don''t want to get you something you don''t like!" Frustrating, but that''s how a lot of guys are when it comes to this. Then again, I gave my guy the link to buy my ring online directly so he would just go buy it. Sometimes direct works.

 

[lehcarm]

Date: 1/2/2007 11:24:03 AM
Author: therighttime
Here''s to Righttime havign a proposal by Valentine''s Day or sooner!!!


Valentine''s Day?? ugh... seems so far away. Thanks for the encouraging words, Janine! I do think we are at a communication standstill at this point.

I know Valentine''s Day seems far away, but you''ve waited this long. Plus, if you decide to help him with ring shopping, at least it will be a fun wait. Imagine trying on rings to decide what you like. There are plenty of ladies out there (me included) that would love to at least have some sort of action shown by our men.

I wish I could be engaged by Valentines day, but my man has said that he knows he wants to marry me, but wants to wait until August or September, now that is a long wait.

Plus it can take some time to put a ring together, so even after you (or him) have it picked out, you might not be able to get it right away.

I''m sure things will work out, and sooner than you will know it, you''ll be happily engaged. You have all of us here to help you through the wait.

Only 43 days until Valentines day! (I only add the countown because I remember you having one in a previous thread)

 

[janinegirly]

yea valentine''s day isn''t so far. i remember originally wanting to be engaged by summer (June), then by our anniversary (Aug), then by T''giving...and finally it happened in December. Looking back I don''t know if I could have handled it if you told me in June it wouldn''t happen till December. Now it feels like it was just right. So 43 days is nothing!!!! And it v. well could happen before...

 

[aljdewey]

It sounds to me like you haven''t said the one thing he needs to hear......"I''m ready for you to ASK me."

How about this? Next conversation, say "You told me you needed me to tell you when I''m ready to be married. I''m ready, but I''m still waiting to be ASKED. I am not going to do the "proposing"; that''s up to you. So, ball''s in your court."

 

[Larissa]

Date: 1/2/2007 3:42:12 PM
Author: aljdewey
It sounds to me like you haven''t said the one thing he needs to hear......''I''m ready for you to ASK me.''


How about this? Next conversation, say ''You told me you needed me to tell you when I''m ready to be married. I''m ready, but I''m still waiting to be ASKED. I am not going to do the ''proposing''; that''s up to you. So, ball''s in your court.''

Yes!! Exactly what I was trying to say and managed not to say at all.

 

[Shay37]

My DH is not romantic about the big things. He''s great with the day-to-day love me pampering, but big moments? Nope not his style. His idea of a proposal was to ask me in a car without a ring driving back from my family reunion 2 weeks after we met (whirlwind love at first sight). He looks over at me then looks away and says "So, you want to get married or what?" LOL

He''s one of the most wonderful people I have ever met. He treats me like a princess, and he is a wonderful father as well. We have been married for 8 1/2 years. The thing I needed to realize is that he is not intuitive about my needs. If I want something, all I have to do is spell it out (sometimes slowly with small words, but you get the picture), he will do it. However, I must be clear, concise, and tell him precisely what I need or want from him.

Here''s my advice predicated on my experience with my DH. Tell him "I want to look at rings. I will choose 2 styles that I like. You can pick the "ONE" for the surprise. I will tell you either the exact stone I want, or a choice between two. You decide. You will order said ring. You will propose to me after it is ready. I am ready for you to do this for me now." Or some other variation of the above. Good luck. HTH

shay

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 1/2/2007 11:24:03 AM
Author: therighttime
Here''s to Righttime havign a proposal by Valentine''s Day or sooner!!!

Valentine''s Day?? ugh... seems so far away. Thanks for the encouraging words, Janine! I do think we are at a communication standstill at this point.

you know what I''ve done with my husband before? hehe - I''ve called a time out. I''ve said, "okay look, I''m taking this time out to TELL YOU exactly what I want and then I''m going to go back to life as usual and you can figure out how to make this happen." I think once before I even like hummed the mission impossible theme "this is your mission, if you agree to accept it. Sometime in the next month you will surprise me with a proposal and it is your option to pick out the ring (be careful if you offer this one! haha) or to propose without a ring. This is what I want from you and I''m only going to say it this ONE TIME. This message will self destruct in 5...4...3...2...*one*." Anyway - the time out really isn''t for him, it''s for you. It''s for you to say okay me telling him right now doesn''t count because I''m telling my brain I''m on time out.

I hate to say it but I think this is more you than him. He''s made it abundantly clear that he wants to be with you. His feet aren''t sticking on that. The sticking point is that you want him to perform in a very certain way and his brain is not prewired to do that without direction. He''s probably more confused than ever LOL So do yourself a favor, tell him exactly what you want, don''t give him an ultimatum, I don''t think this situation warrants something like that.... don''t tell him IF you have it done by xx date.... tell him YOU WILL have it done by xx date lol

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 1/2/2007 3:42:12 PM
Author: aljdewey
It sounds to me like you haven''t said the one thing he needs to hear......''I''m ready for you to ASK me.''

How about this? Next conversation, say ''You told me you needed me to tell you when I''m ready to be married. I''m ready, but I''m still waiting to be ASKED. I am not going to do the ''proposing''; that''s up to you. So, ball''s in your court.''

again, someone with a bone of brevity makes the same point succintly!

 

[therighttime]

He''s probably more confused than ever LOL So do yourself a favor, tell him exactly what you want, don''t give him an ultimatum, I don''t think this situation warrants something like that....

Yep, just this morning he told me he was confused! Sure didn''t want that to happen! He also told me this morning that the thing that was holding him back was that I seemed unhappy lately!!!

He said he didn''t know if it had something to do with my dad or not but he didn''t know if it were a good time to propose with my seeming not myself lately. He seemed surprised when I told him that the ONLY thing making me unhappy was the waiting and uncertainty. I told him that I felt that it would''ve happened very soon after he talked to my dad and since it didn''t, I have been finding myself moody, irritated, sad, etc....especially when 2 of my friends have gotten engaged during the wait. (I pointed out that I was NOT crazy and he could visit this board to find more people feeling the same way!

) He really had no idea that was why I was acting differently. I really hate that my insecurity is prolonging the proposal. He told me how much he loved me and never ever doubted he wanted to marry me. He just wanted to make sure it was..... "therighttime." Oh, how many times have I heard that!!! I hope I was able to let him know that it is not HIM that is making me unhappy, just this constant questioning of when. He appeared to understand and apologized and said he wouldn''t have done anything to make me unhappy. Then again... he said, "you tell me when you''re ready to be engaged, and we''ll do it." I told him it was up to him to handle, but obviously didn''t say the exact instructions he may be waiting on.... SO.....

He''s coming to eat dinner tonight; and after reading some more great advice from all of you today, I''m going to tell him "I am ready to be asked." And that he can do that with or without a ring. Then remind him that the ball''s in his court.

Then I have to remind myself to be happy and MYSELF during the wait.

Anything else I need to make sure to communicate??

THANKS for everything. All of you are so terrific to help out!!

 

[Girlrocks]

Be direct and to the point. Make sure you tell him specifically that you are ready to be ASKED so that he knows you are still expecting a proposal. If you tell him you are ready to be engaged, he may assume that OK, now you''re engaged, let''s go get the ring and never get around to the actual asking.

Good luck tonight! Fingers Crossed!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 1/2/2007 4:47:37 PM
Author: therighttime

He''s coming to eat dinner tonight; and after reading some more great advice from all of you today, I''m going to tell him ''I am ready to be asked.'' And that he can do that with or without a ring. Then remind him that the ball''s in his court.

Anything else I need to make sure to communicate??

Yes. One thing......it sounds from what you wrote that he''s unsure about picking the ring himself. So, amend what I said earlier to this:

Say: "You told me you needed me to tell you when I''m ready to be married.

I''m ready, but I''m still waiting to be ASKED. I am not going to do the ''proposing''; that''s up to you.

It sounds to me as though you''re not comfortable with the idea of picking the ring out yourself.....that''s fine by me. You don''t need to have the ring to propose.....you just need to ASK me to marry you.

So, ball''s in your court....and I''ll be waiting."

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 1/2/2007 4:47:37 PM
Author: therighttime

He''s coming to eat dinner tonight; and after reading some more great advice from all of you today, I''m going to tell him ''I am ready to be asked.'' And that he can do that with or without a ring. Then remind him that the ball''s in his court.

Then I have to remind myself to be happy and MYSELF during the wait.

Anything else I need to make sure to communicate??

THANKS for everything. All of you are so terrific to help out!!

awesome! can''t wait to hear how it turns out the only warning I have is are you SURE you are okay with him picking the ring? the same faulty DNA that some men have that prevents them from knowing intuitively when the right time to propose is - is responsible for them picking out rings that we hate LOL!

 

[akw94]

How did dinner go?

 

[Becky P]

Yes, how did dinner go? I hope you''re feeling better about the whole thing.

Here''s an idea: Why don''t you go look at rings with your mom or a girlfriend or someone who would be fun to hang out with for a day. Check out the malls - if even to just see the shapes/styles you prefer, and check out some of the big/fancy diamond stores. Then, once you have an idea of what you like, you can point him in the right direction. Many jewelry stores will keep a list of the rings girls like and their boyfriends can go in and ask for their list and then they''re not totally overwhelmed with choices. Or, once you knew what you liked, you could look together online, show him pics of what you like, etc. Sounds like he''s ready, just needs some direction. Good luck! Keep us updated!

 

[therighttime]

Dinner went fine.... I told him my rehearsed speech and even found a cute little card and wrote some of the same things I said just so he can have it in writing should he need to refer to it later...

I told him that I was ready to be asked to marry him, and (again) that he can propose with or without a ring and I''d be very happy either way. I also pointed out that his sister knows what ring size I wear and has a beautiful engagement ring on her hand should he want assistance other than my own. And his response to all of the above was...... "OK."

I really wanted to say, "what does OK mean... are you going to propose or not... get a ring or not...huh??" But I didn''t say anything. I think surely I have more than given him the green light. I asked him if there was anything else holding him back and he said no, that he loved me and was going to "get things rolling" and sorry if he had hurt my feelings by not doing anything yet.

I guess I must be patient and give him a little time now, right???/ I think I''ll re-read Mandarine''s last post.... if you''re happy and you know it clap your hands!!!

I AM happy with my man and our relationship. Sometime''s wanting more just gets in the way with how good things are now.

 

[janinegirly]

yay righttime! Good for you .. you really were open and clear and direct! Sounds like he definitely "got it" so you can feel good about that. Now just distract yourself and let it all happen! I think V-day is a good next "hoping for proposal" deadline for you. You and Manderine are next!!

 

[Mandarine]

Aww...good for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Sometimes we *think* we are being clear with what we say, but we''re not...sometimes guys need us to be brutally direct!. In the past I''ve always felt being brutally direct would take away from the "romantic" side of it....but the truth is that you just can''t expect your guy to read your mind and we''re all different. Sometimes when I wish my BF would have said something else or done something differently in a particular situation, I think about it and realize it is impossible for him to always act how I think he should have acted!...it''s just not a reasonable expectation.

So good for you!. You were clear and by his response I can tell he''s SO ready to get started!. Sometimes we get so caught up in this "waiting" or whatever that we forget that life is too short and we need to enjoy every single moment of it!

I agree with you, now is time to back off a little and let him get the ball rolling!. It will happen before you know it!...

So get on clapping, enjoy the moment and all the little things that happen everyday that makes us love them (and therefore make us so impatient)!

Hugs!!!

M~

 

[shawee]

I hope I am not too late but here's my story...

My fiancee (then bf) was/is a commitment phobe. Basically, he never had a real long-term relationship. From the get-go, he told me that he doesn't want to get married and I was fine with that. Two years ago, he bought a condo and I moved in with him. That was a big step and it was his idea. Before that, when we were in Hawaii, he saw a really pretty ring that he wanted to buy. On the way to the airport, he decided to check out the jewelry store at the mall and he was really serious about it. I was happy inside but didn't really show it too much.

Last Christmas, he asked what I wanted... well, seeing all the tv commercials for diamonds (which he hated by the way)... I said I wanted a ring (thinking he'll say no)... Well, he got up and got on the computer and showed me his saved items from Ebay. He began asking me what I thought of them. I could't believe it. I really thought he'd get me like a promise ring or right hand ring or something... but he had a bunch of different E-Rings in mind. I was happy and again, I didn't show it too much.

I know my post is getting pretty long... We finally ordered my ring. Came in the 22nd of December. We were both excited, he told me to wear the ring right away. I said No (jokingly), not until I hear a proposal. He said, whhhhaaat? I thought I am just getting you a ring as a present but he was laughing... so he kinda somehat proposed... laughingly. He said, if maybe someday in the future I would want to marry him (something to that effect) and that I agree to rub his back whenever he wants. I was just so happy... I said yes.

So, really.. I didn't get any of those romantic proposal like others but I thought mine was extra special because it was unexpected (he really doesn't like to do anything when it's expected, like v-days etc). Mine was silly, just like us.

I hope that you won't pressure him so he won't resent you. It is better to be given something that was from the heart rather than by force. Goodluck to you!