Help and Opinions

[ImpatientOne]

Date: 4/6/2009 1:01:24 PM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 4/6/2009 12:44:05 PM
Author: Pushin40
Do you lvoe him and do you want to be with him? Only YOU know what YOU truly want.

I just hope your intent is not to manipulate him into a proposal. If it is, breaking up with him is pretty risky.

I think she wants to be with someone who is a man of his word. Clearly she does know what she wants. The only risk to breaking up is that HE might lose out on the woman of his dreams. She has no reason to settle. If he comes to his senses then he deserves her. If he doesn''t she''s much, much better off.

I completely agree! Seven years is way longer than I would have waited. He knew the deal and renegged. Good for you for standing your ground, difficult as it must have been!

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 4/6/2009 1:11:06 PM
Author: ImpatientOne

Date: 4/6/2009 1:01:24 PM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 4/6/2009 12:44:05 PM
Author: Pushin40
Do you lvoe him and do you want to be with him? Only YOU know what YOU truly want.

I just hope your intent is not to manipulate him into a proposal. If it is, breaking up with him is pretty risky.

I think she wants to be with someone who is a man of his word. Clearly she does know what she wants. The only risk to breaking up is that HE might lose out on the woman of his dreams. She has no reason to settle. If he comes to his senses then he deserves her. If he doesn''t she''s much, much better off.

I completely agree! Seven years is way longer than I would have waited. He knew the deal and renegged. Good for you for standing your ground, difficult as it must have been!

I agree as well. And I think she made it very clear that it was not a ploy to force his hand at engagement.

 

[jcarlylew]

you stood up for yourself - in my eyes you did the right thing regardless of the choice you make. hopefully that makes sense

 

[Girlrocks]

Date: 4/5/2009 11:15:43 PM
Author: katkat
WOW, you are all so amazing. In the scope of couple of hours you have responded so generously and honestly. I am 34 and not getting any younger so I have to honor the fact that time is of the essence. I have so much time and energy invested. Yet, it IS true ..if a man loves you he will push all excuses aside. I have gone from bewildered to furious to sad in a matter of hours. Fortunately this all transpired as he is about to embark on a two week business trip in the middle of the sea on a ship so he will have no access to me and I will not cave to weakness either. This timing was intentional on my part and I am hoping to make huge strides in strength in the next two weeks and I will be looking up the threads you have recommended. I think it is only natural to hope and wish he''d come back with a ring but I know it is in my best interest to proceed in figuring out my life without him. This will be one of the most challeging parts but also the most critical to my moving on.

It all happened very quickl.... He was near missing his flight and operating on very little sleep due to his recent work schedule and he truly seemed surprised by my resolution. He probably thought I would be happy to hear his plan ...or that at best it would ''tide'' me over. Frankly, it was insulting. I know he loves me ,,,I truly do. But in the end, it just may not have been enough.

I agree. I think you did the right think. Congratulations for being strong and standing up for yourself! Good luck to you in the future.

 

[katkat]

I was not trying to manipulate him. This wasn''t a surprise. I know his strengths and weaknesses and can tell you he is the kind of guy who often operates down to the wire. Not a great trait...but no one is perfect. I think I was beyond patient...I had kind of been in "holding mode" for near a year. Everyone including his family was sitting around wondering..."When? What?"

I was actually going to go along on this trip but a two months prior the main guy who oversees the whole thing said I could not go unless we were married. No joke, they told him. "Make her your wife or you''re coming solo"

Was all this risky as that poster put it? I don''t think so. If he picks right up with someone else then I guess I wasn''t "the one."
I really hate that someone could call it risky after 7 years!!!!!!! What on earth was I supposed to do...let him continue to feed me crumbs when I more than deserve the whole slice of bread. Loaf for that matter!

I am not surprised he didn''t call I guess.....first off, I told him not to. He asked repeatedly if he could call me. I said no. Asked if I would think about it. Again, I just said no. The part that is really kicking me today is thinking about when he said he needed to reconsider in his moment of realizing I was not faltering. Pathetic sounding, but it was in that moment that I saw his fear of either decision.

Second reason he wouldn''t call is he has a huge reponsibility on this trip and will be running a group of 100 people while on that ship. If he could break my heart at the airport then he could for sure put himself into "function" mode and denial as men can do. Not excusing or saying it''s right....but as a realist I know a lot of men can do it. To call me would have been to relive it with no ability to change a thing. He will set sail this afternoon and lose cell service by nightfall. He has no room to be "emotional" since he has to run the whole thing which has been a year of planning, etc. Ironically he can plan a huge trip with tons of people yet cannot plan worth a darn when it came down to the woman he loves and called his best friend.

I do get a slight sense of satisfaction knowing he will be at assigned dining with the same people each night...two of whom are hand holding, glowing newlyweds.

Thanks again ladies for letting me vent. I am a mess today. My bed is the only place I want to be. I keep returning to read your posts and I cannot begin to tell you how cathartic they are. Words cannot express my gratitude. I''ll keep posting and hope you will all do the same.

 

[princesss]

Date: 4/6/2009 2:12:20 PM
Author: katkat
I was not trying to manipulate him. This wasn''t a surprise. I know his strengths and weaknesses and can tell you he is the kind of guy who often operates down to the wire. Not a great trait...but no one is perfect. I think I was beyond patient...I had kind of been in ''holding mode'' for near a year. Everyone including his family was sitting around wondering...''When? What?''

I was actually going to go along on this trip but a two months prior the main guy who oversees the whole thing said I could not go unless we were married. No joke, they told him. ''Make her your wife or you''re coming solo''

Was all this risky as that poster put it? I don''t think so. If he picks right up with someone else then I guess I wasn''t ''the one.''
I really hate that someone could call it risky after 7 years!!!!!!! What on earth was I supposed to do...let him continue to feed me crumbs when I more than deserve the whole slice of bread. Loaf for that matter!

I am not surprised he didn''t call I guess.....first off, I told him not to. He asked repeatedly if he could call me. I said no. Asked if I would think about it. Again, I just said no. The part that is really kicking me today is thinking about when he said he needed to reconsider in his moment of realizing I was not faltering. Pathetic sounding, but it was in that moment that I saw his fear of either decision.

Second reason he wouldn''t call is he has a huge reponsibility on this trip and will be running a group of 100 people while on that ship. If he could break my heart at the airport then he could for sure put himself into ''function'' mode and denial as men can do. Not excusing or saying it''s right....but as a realist I know a lot of men can do it. To call me would have been to relive it with no ability to change a thing. He will set sail this afternoon and lose cell service by nightfall. He has no room to be ''emotional'' since he has to run the whole thing which has been a year of planning, etc. Ironically he can plan a huge trip with tons of people yet cannot plan worth a darn when it came down to the woman he loves and called his best friend.

I do get a slight sense of satisfaction knowing he will be at assigned dining with the same people each night...two of whom are hand holding, glowing newlyweds.

Thanks again ladies for letting me vent. I am a mess today. My bed is the only place I want to be. I keep returning to read your posts and I cannot begin to tell you how cathartic they are. Words cannot express my gratitude. I''ll keep posting and hope you will all do the same.

Re: the bolded section.

Please stick around and teach classes about this! Seriously. It''s wonderful to have a smart, intelligent woman who KNOWS she is worth more than she''s getting on this board. So stay. Teach. We need more women like you around. You may feel a mess right now, but you''re a huge inspiration.

 

[choro72]

Date: 4/6/2009 12:02:12 PM
Author: Bliss

Date: 4/5/2009 11:15:43 PM

Author: katkat

WOW, you are all so amazing. In the scope of couple of hours you have responded so generously and honestly. I am 34 and not getting any younger so I have to honor the fact that time is of the essence. I have so much time and energy invested. Yet, it IS true ..if a man loves you he will push all excuses aside. I have gone from bewildered to furious to sad in a matter of hours. Fortunately this all transpired as he is about to embark on a two week business trip in the middle of the sea on a ship so he will have no access to me and I will not cave to weakness either. This timing was intentional on my part and I am hoping to make huge strides in strength in the next two weeks and I will be looking up the threads you have recommended. I think it is only natural to hope and wish he''d come back with a ring but I know it is in my best interest to proceed in figuring out my life without him. This will be one of the most challeging parts but also the most critical to my moving on.



It all happened very quickl.... He was near missing his flight and operating on very little sleep due to his recent work schedule and he truly seemed surprised by my resolution. He probably thought I would be happy to hear his plan ...or that at best it would ''tide'' me over. Frankly, it was insulting. I know he loves me ,,,I truly do. But in the end, it just may not have been enough.

When you follow your heart and fearlessly do what you feel is right -- the world will make way for you and you will always go to a better and happier place. I truly believe that.


I also think that you have further confirmation that you did the right thing because he didn''t call. The silence speaks volumes. If a man truly was going to marry a woman and she left him because he couldn''t commit, he would be calling you. He''d be calling your friends, explaining himself to your family and doing everything to make it right. The fact that he is just letting you slip away, shocked or not, is along the same lines of what he was doing before -- passively letting you go.


You deserve a man who wants to marry you and is excited about spending the rest of his life with you. You are strong and you know what you want. I am very hopeful and confident you will find it and be in a much much happier place when the time is right. (HUG)

I agree. His silence tells a lot about where he stands, and you were right to let him go.
Of course you want to see what he is thinking! I would think so too, and I would even feel better if I knew he was a wreck right now. Don''t feel silly about it. I already feel silly giving you advice; you sound very wise and you know what is best for you.

 

[choro72]

Date: 4/6/2009 2:12:20 PM
Author: katkat
I was not trying to manipulate him. This wasn''t a surprise. I know his strengths and weaknesses and can tell you he is the kind of guy who often operates down to the wire. Not a great trait...but no one is perfect. I think I was beyond patient...I had kind of been in ''holding mode'' for near a year. Everyone including his family was sitting around wondering...''When? What?''


I was actually going to go along on this trip but a two months prior the main guy who oversees the whole thing said I could not go unless we were married. No joke, they told him. ''Make her your wife or you''re coming solo''


Was all this risky as that poster put it? I don''t think so. If he picks right up with someone else then I guess I wasn''t ''the one.''

I really hate that someone could call it risky after 7 years!!!!!!! What on earth was I supposed to do...let him continue to feed me crumbs when I more than deserve the whole slice of bread. Loaf for that matter!


I am not surprised he didn''t call I guess.....first off, I told him not to. He asked repeatedly if he could call me. I said no. Asked if I would think about it. Again, I just said no. The part that is really kicking me today is thinking about when he said he needed to reconsider in his moment of realizing I was not faltering. Pathetic sounding, but it was in that moment that I saw his fear of either decision.



Second reason he wouldn''t call is he has a huge reponsibility on this trip and will be running a group of 100 people while on that ship. If he could break my heart at the airport then he could for sure put himself into ''function'' mode and denial as men can do. Not excusing or saying it''s right....but as a realist I know a lot of men can do it. To call me would have been to relive it with no ability to change a thing. He will set sail this afternoon and lose cell service by nightfall. He has no room to be ''emotional'' since he has to run the whole thing which has been a year of planning, etc. Ironically he can plan a huge trip with tons of people yet cannot plan worth a darn when it came down to the woman he loves and called his best friend.


I do get a slight sense of satisfaction knowing he will be at assigned dining with the same people each night...two of whom are hand holding, glowing newlyweds.


Thanks again ladies for letting me vent. I am a mess today. My bed is the only place I want to be. I keep returning to read your posts and I cannot begin to tell you how cathartic they are. Words cannot express my gratitude. I''ll keep posting and hope you will all do the same.

I know you are hurting right now, but I can''t help applauding. You are a strong, clear minded intelligent lady, and you deserve a man who knows it.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

You know, not many women would be as bold, strong and firm as you were. Many of them would have taken the offer to move in together, and postponed their dreams for a while.

Needless to say, I''m incredibly impressed that you''re as mature and grounded as you are in this situation. Although I''m sure your heart is broken, having the ability to put yourself first speaks volumes of your character.

Right now you need to be fair to yourself. Although disappointment probably spurred a lot of your inital gusto when it came to ending it...you need to know that you were completely fair to him for a long time...giving him a "finish line" means you, all along, spoke up and were honest nothing about this should have come as a surprise to him. Now, it''s time to put you first. Whatever it is that you love you should do. Take a vacation, a spa day, or even a shopping trip. Putting distance between you and him, in my experience, can bring tons of prespective and clarity.

But also know that it''s okay to go back. If you two can "get on the same page" about the future and you''re relationship, then it''s okay to let love win. But you need to always, always, always make sure you''re getting enough from your relationship.

Big hugs!

 

[mrscushion]

katkat, I just wanted to come back and say, you sound pretty awesome -- level-headed, intelligent, mature... I am so sorry you''re heart-broken right now and I feel for you when you say you saw the fear in his eyes at the moment... fear of either decision. Seeing that fear rise up in a man you''ve been with for so long just sounds really, really tough. Even though I don''t know you at all, I''ve been thinking about you all morning and will keep checking the thread to see what you post.

 

[decodelighted]

Stay focused on your rightful anger. That will *really* help you in the days to come. You''ll need to keep reassuring yourself that you did the right thing in natural moments of doubt & your ANGER is the key.

How dare he abuse your trust! What a coward for leading you on that way -- knowing full well he wouldn''t deliver! How cruel it was to stare into your happy, trusting eyes and lie to your face - OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. Honestly, he''s a monster.

(I''m going over the top a bit obviously, because I wanna demonstrate how forceful you can make your own recriminations etc ... to really focus on the outrageousness of his flaws & actions & lies)

In my limited experience -- most of the time, this is it. You move on to find someone better & much more eager/committed to building the kind of life with you ... and you look back on this to think it was the best decision you ever made. In maybe 5% of the cases, he realizes he''s made a horrible mistake (after having time to truly miss you & re-gain respect for you & what you require as a partner) & finds someway to come back to the table with his full heart & a gung-ho plan for making things right with you. DO NOT EXPECT THIS ... though its human to wish for it a bit.

Good luck to you!

 

[allycat0303]

I have to agree with Deco on this one. I know that a part of you MUST be hoping that he comes to the realization that he made a mistake, that is human. But I think you did the right thing. I feel like it would have been a disaster for you to re-negotiate/compromise on the timeline. A part of him did not take you seriously, and he probably felt that you would back down from your timeline. However, doing so would have let him know that you weren''t firm, and that would bring endless procrastination in the futur.

Stay strong!

 

[LostSapphire]

Date: 4/6/2009 8:50:15 AM
Author: katkat
Prior to his trip I told him several times in a light way, 'You're eiither leaving with a fiance or an ex girlfriend when you leave for that trip.' I said it lightly , but HE KNEW. I joked but there was truth in my jest.He told me he knew I was serious. He told me he wouldn't break my heart. We had been looking at houses-- He even put an offer on one back in August but his offer got beat out. We talked about pre nups. He called me his wife to be about two weeks ago.
I guess it was all to keep me hanging on. And it worked. Until about forty eight hours ago.

I told him I had faith he'd do the right thing about a month ago. My strategy was to believe in him and to stay hopeful. I did not brow beat the sunject to death and I was calm and beyond good to him. In the last month things have been just great....he has wanted to spend even more time around me.

He had access to a phone all lastight and today. Part of me thought he'd call....but what on earth could he even say?
Funny, I felt so strong yesterday and already I feel a case of the 'What if I did the wrong thing?' coming on. Should I have been SO stern?
How on earth could I even be remotely curious what is going through his mind when I should be fully furious that he really did pull a bait and switch.

This is one of the most level-headed, well thought out, and articulate posts I have seen on this subject.

You had discussed your timeline with him over the course of time. The 2 of you had a clear understanding of expectations. You let him play out his hand without whining, crying, fussing or brow beating. You gave him the space needed to do his part....

HOORAY for a woman with the B*LLS to do what needed to be done instead of retreating into self-doubt, recriminations and second guessing her right to happiness.

Please stick around. You have a LOT to offer.

LS

 

[katkat]

He texted me.

I am so angry. Seriously, thank God I don''t have PMS right now because my mood swings are so erratic as it is.
I pulled myself out of bed to go to the grocery store and upon getting home, I heard the phone register a text. Sure enough, a picture from the ship and written below: I miss you terribly now . I love you always.

ARE YOU EVEN KIDDING ME?

This reminds me of a little boy who knows he did wrong and now wants to be cute about it. I want to vomit. Here I am pouring my guts out to an online community of the most amazing women ever and he is sending me THIS???????

I think it really makes me angry that he thinks he can do this. I suppose in my list of "Do Nots" I left out texting so he thinks maybe he can feed me more "crumbs" this way. I want to text leave me alone ...but I think my silence is more powerful.

Sadly, this makes me realize just how much work I have ahead of me....

I am just so insulted....again.

This is just insane. I hate drama by the way...I like to live my life in a healthy way...or atleast try.

Deep breath. And deleting that text.

 

[LostSapphire]

You deserve more than CRUMBS. Go out and find yourself a whole CAKE.

LS

 

[Octavia]

If he misses you, it''s his cross to bear. He didn''t have to put himself in a situation to miss you, he chose to do it. And I absolutely agree on the childishness of what he did. You did say that he''d lose cell service soon, right? I think it will be really good for you to have a couple weeks to yourself. More hugs coming your way...

 

[katkat]

"You deserve more than CRUMBS. Go out and find yourself a whole CAKE."


Love this. I may have to change my avatar to a cake.

He will lose cell service tonight. I will honestly feel relieved.

 

[FrekeChild]

Wow. What a doosh. (Aka douche)

I can''t believe he text you that. OMG. How indubitably immature.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 4/6/2009 6:19:48 PM
Author: katkat
''You deserve more than CRUMBS. Go out and find yourself a whole CAKE.''

Love this. I may have to change my avatar to a cake.

He will lose cell service tonight. I will honestly feel relieved.

I love it too. Go find a cake avatar!

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 4/6/2009 6:09:10 PM
Author: Octavia
If he misses you, it''s his cross to bear. He didn''t have to put himself in a situation to miss you, he chose to do it. And I absolutely agree on the childishness of what he did. You did say that he''d lose cell service soon, right? I think it will be really good for you to have a couple weeks to yourself. More hugs coming your way...

You deserve more than CRUMBS. Go out and find yourself a whole CAKE.

LS


ditoo 100% to both these post.

 

[vintagecushion]

KatKat, maybe you should save the text to refer to when you''re feeling more sentimental?

I just wanted to say that you come across as incredibly thoughtful. I would be surprised if you misunderstood the significance of your guy''s behavior so I''ll just add my good wishes for a speedy recovery.

 

[princesss]

Good for you. If he misses you, too bad. He knew what he had to do to keep you.

So I''ll give you this. It''s a small thing, but I hope you enjoy it.

You are now the proud owner of a pair of cake balls.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 4/6/2009 6:32:22 PM
Author: princesss
Good for you. If he misses you, too bad. He knew what he had to do to keep you.

So I''ll give you this. It''s a small thing, but I hope you enjoy it.

You are now the proud owner of a pair of cake balls.

Dude. Rumballs. OMG. Princesss. I am on a DIET. (Where is Elle when I need her?!?!)

 

[Bia]

Date: 4/6/2009 6:32:22 PM
Author: princesss
Good for you. If he misses you, too bad. He knew what he had to do to keep you.


So I'll give you this. It's a small thing, but I hope you enjoy it.


You are now the proud owner of a pair of cake balls.

princesss, you're awesome

ETA: I loooooooove red velvet cake. Must find!

 

[princesss]

Date: 4/6/2009 6:36:20 PM
Author: FrekeChild

Date: 4/6/2009 6:32:22 PM

Author: princesss

Good for you. If he misses you, too bad. He knew what he had to do to keep you.


So I''ll give you this. It''s a small thing, but I hope you enjoy it.


You are now the proud owner of a pair of cake balls.

Dude. Rumballs. OMG. Princesss. I am on a DIET. (Where is Elle when I need her?!?!)

Not rum balls. Red velvet cake balls. From Bakerella. Mmmmmmm....Red velvet cake dipped in chocolate. HEAVEN!

 

[ilovesparkles]

Date: 4/6/2009 6:04:04 PM
Author: katkat

He texted me.


I am so angry. Seriously, thank God I don''t have PMS right now because my mood swings are so erratic as it is.

I pulled myself out of bed to go to the grocery store and upon getting home, I heard the phone register a text. Sure enough, a picture from the ship and written below: I miss you terribly now . I love you always.


ARE YOU EVEN KIDDING ME?


This reminds me of a little boy who knows he did wrong and now wants to be cute about it. I want to vomit. Here I am pouring my guts out to an online community of the most amazing women ever and he is sending me THIS???????


I think it really makes me angry that he thinks he can do this. I suppose in my list of ''Do Nots'' I left out texting so he thinks maybe he can feed me more ''crumbs'' this way. I want to text leave me alone ...but I think my silence is more powerful.


Sadly, this makes me realize just how much work I have ahead of me....


I am just so insulted....again.


This is just insane. I hate drama by the way...I like to live my life in a healthy way...or atleast try.


Deep breath. And deleting that text.

A TEXT! Are you freaking kidding me! I think this action, right here, is evidence of who he is, what he is worth, and what a future could hold with him. And I think even more so now that you made the right choice!

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 4/6/2009 6:38:36 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 4/6/2009 6:36:20 PM
Author: FrekeChild

Date: 4/6/2009 6:32:22 PM
Author: princesss
Good for you. If he misses you, too bad. He knew what he had to do to keep you.

So I''ll give you this. It''s a small thing, but I hope you enjoy it.

You are now the proud owner of a pair of cake balls.

Dude. Rumballs. OMG. Princesss. I am on a DIET. (Where is Elle when I need her?!?!)

Not rum balls. Red velvet cake balls. From Bakerella. Mmmmmmm....Red velvet cake dipped in chocolate. HEAVEN!

Those may be cake balls, but I want rumballs. Those kind of look like them. And I have EVERYTHING I need to make them too. (No red velvet cake, but plenty of other kinds...) DANGIT princesss....

 

[princesss]

Date: 4/6/2009 6:41:52 PM
Author: FrekeChild

Date: 4/6/2009 6:38:36 PM

Author: princesss

Date: 4/6/2009 6:36:20 PM

Author: FrekeChild

Date: 4/6/2009 6:32:22 PM

Author: princesss

Good for you. If he misses you, too bad. He knew what he had to do to keep you.


So I'll give you this. It's a small thing, but I hope you enjoy it.


You are now the proud owner of a pair of cake balls.

Dude. Rumballs. OMG. Princesss. I am on a DIET. (Where is Elle when I need her?!?!)

Not rum balls. Red velvet cake balls. From Bakerella. Mmmmmmm....Red velvet cake dipped in chocolate. HEAVEN!

Those may be cake balls, but I want rumballs. Those kind of look like them. And I have EVERYTHING I need to make them too. (No red velvet cake, but plenty of other kinds...) DANGIT princesss....

I, luckily, am hiding in my new house (okay, my parents new house that I'm living in) without any baking supplies unpacked. But there will be experiments with cake balls. Mmmmmmm.....

ETA: Glad you like them Bia. For those you really just need red velvet cake mix (don't throw that hooker heel at me, Freke!), cream cheese frosting, and Wilton's candy melts. Check out Bakerella's blog. They look pretty easy.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/6/2009 6:19:48 PM
Author: katkat
He will lose cell service tonight. I will honestly feel relieved.

Get a BB gun handy ... in case of carrier pigeons.

ps -- LOVE the cake balls!

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 4/6/2009 6:44:45 PM
Author: princesss
I, luckily, am hiding in my new house (okay, my parents new house that I'm living in) without any baking supplies unpacked. But there will be experiments with cake balls. Mmmmmmm.....

Just think about this:

Rum + Cake + Chocolate.

Now tell me that doesn't sound like something katkat might like right now...

ETA: Hey, I keep my hooker heel throwing for stuff like DF's crazy threads. Besides. I love cake mix. I hate making cake from scratch unless I'm making pound cake or creating a new recipe. I'm lazy!