Help and Opinions

[katkat]

Thanks for checking on me.

I feel okay....yet, I am not foolish enough to think I don''t have a lot of healing to do.
I have worked it through my mind time and time again...and I cannot believe I put myself in a position to even accept a LAST minute propsal. I vow never to do that to myself again. I found out lastnight that he had reached out to my Dad via email and asked to have lunch with him when he got back from the trip. He wrote the email two weeks ago.

My Dad does not know all that has transpired so he casually mentioned, " *** emailed and said we should meet for lunch. Wonder why?"

I''m numb to it really.

As for the dinner date....I accepted for next week. One casual dinner can''t hurt, can it?

 

[Clairitek]

Date: 4/9/2009 1:39:31 PM
Author: katkat
Thanks for checking on me.

I feel okay....yet, I am not foolish enough to think I don''t have a lot of healing to do.

I have worked it through my mind time and time again...and I cannot believe I put myself in a position to even accept a LAST minute propsal. I vow never to do that to myself again. I found out lastnight that he had reached out to my Dad via email and asked to have lunch with him when he got back from the trip. He wrote the email two weeks ago.

My Dad does not know all that has transpired so he casually mentioned, '' *** emailed and said we should meet for lunch. Wonder why?''

I''m numb to it really.

As for the dinner date....I accepted for next week. One casual dinner can''t hurt, can it?

I''m happy to read you accepted the dinner date. I hope its fun for you to catch up with an old friend, at the very least.

As for this email- Was it dated before you guys broke up?

 

[katkat]

Yes--the email to my Dad was a week before he left.

 

[tlh]

kat. The dinner date will provide a nice distraction and give you a nice ego boost too! Always good for knowing how much you''re worth when you know other people want to buy your stock!

The silent treatment works. If you see any of my posts you might notice one thing... they are LONG. Yup, in life too... I talk... A LOT. But when I decide that a relationship is over, there is no song or dance, it is over. I am honest, and if there is something that I feel would be helpful for them to know (ie more painful if they found out afterwards) I just lay it out there in the dumping... usually a 5 min or less conversation, and the last to ever be had. But once I am convinced it is over, and I''m leaving, we never speak again. I don''t call, write, text, and with one ex in particular who began to stalk out the places I would hang out, and we''d happen to be in the same location and he would be talking AT me as I would not respond, and often just walk away while he was midsentance. It depends on the context of the breakup. The one I will not dignify even with my voice, was a liar and was the point of malicious. I have zero respect for him, so I don''t bother to pretend that seeing him is nice, or that I am at all interested in a friendship... but the crazy thing is... the more I refused to talk to the exes, REFUSE TO RESPOND, the more eager they were w/ getting me to respond... until eventually they''ll get the point. I''m not mean, I''m not nice, I just disappear.

There is a power one has when people are USED to you filling the silence, and it is incredibly uncomfortable when you don''t... and POWERFUL too. Because they have to imagine what you are thinking. You aren''t even giving them any key to the inside of your mind, your thoughts. It is frustrating... but in the end, when you''ve gone from anger to wherever you''re going to end up... you''ve not influenced their decisions by a reaction.

I hope that makes sense. Best wishes... and your cake looks yummy!

 

[FrekeChild]

Weird about the email. I wonder if he''ll follow through with that...

 

[katkat]

TLH--I like the idea of the silent treatment. In fact, I have been mulling it over in my mind.
There are many things I would like to say, point out....
But all in all it may be a much better idea to say nothing at all. It would be easier actually.

He is very intelligent and should be able to figure out why I''m so hurt. He has to know that waiting until the very last moment was just wrong. Pointing all of it out(his behavior in the last 48 hours prior) is unnecessary I''m thinking.

However, is it fair to say nothing when we were together so long?
The whole airport scene was a hectic and rushed. There were things left unsaid.
I know when he comes back he will likely try to contact me...I just want to have a concrete plan of action in my mind. Whether it is to write him or avoid him?
Seeing him face to face could weaken my stance despite my best intentions.
I know that keeping distance will be the healthiest thing for me but I may need to gracefully and eloquently communicate that there''s nothing left to talk about.

As you can see by my post, I am still a little scattered although I do feel better physically. I''m for certain eating some cake this weekend

 

[ladypirate]

Yay cake!

I''m sorry that you''re in such a difficult place right now, katkat. *Hugs*

 

[FrekeChild]

I think I would write. Spend the next two weeks writing, and the last day revising/editing. Then I''d sleep on it. And wait to see if he contacts you. Then wait to send what you wrote for maybe a month from the time he''d get back, if he does contact you or not. And then decide to send it or not.

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 4/9/2009 7:46:22 PM
Author: FrekeChild
I think I would write. Spend the next two weeks writing, and the last day revising/editing. Then I''d sleep on it. And wait to see if he contacts you. Then wait to send what you wrote for maybe a month from the time he''d get back, if he does contact you or not. And then decide to send it or not.

I like this advice--get it out on paper, but give yourself some time before you send it.

 

[mrscushion]

I think Freke gives good advice.

 

[KimberlyH]

Katkat, I just wanted to add my support and a huge kudos to you for being so strong and self-assured (you are, even while you''re feeling a bit scattered). Continue to be brave and strong. Enjoy your date, your cake, your life.

And I thritto the suggestion to write all you''re feeling out. You may want to type it, so you can go back and revise easily. Then, when the time comes you can decide to either delete or share what you''ve written.

 

[NuggetBrain]

I totally agree with the writing idea. And big hugs being sent your way!

 

[bee*]

I think this is a really good idea too. I wonder will he go through with meeting your dad. I''m really sorry to hear what happened katkat but I''m delighted to see how strong you are. Enjoy your dinner date.

 

[gwendolyn]

Holy cow, how have I missed this thread until now?! katkat, you sound like an amazing woman who deserves everything you want from life. It is disappointing that your ex has acted the way he has, but you are absolutely right to stand up for your desires. Who else will? I am so angry at your ex that he was thinking of this alternate moving-in-together plan and never had a talk with you to say WHY he wanted to do that instead of getting engaged. After seven years, he couldn''t talk to you about his feelings? I can respect if he wasn''t ready yet, but why not sit down and have a mature conversation with you? Not that it necessarily would''ve changed anything, but I would be FURIOUS that he pulled a bait and switch at the last minute and thought you''d just be happy with whatever and never hinted or talked about other plans. You had talked! There was a time line! YOUR wants! YOUR goals! Didn''t those mean anything to him? Apparently not. Ugh. GOOD FOR YOU for walking away. I know it must have been hard, but who knows how long he would''ve dragged you along if he had his way.

Well done. Enjoy your dinner date, enjoy your couple of weeks to regroup, and keep being awesome.

 

[katkat]

Hard to say if he will follow up with my Dad. Part of him will have to wonder if everyone near and dear to me will be kind to him or not since most everyone knew it was "D" Day.

This has been one VERY long week.
I missed him TERRIBLY lastnight. The anger and disappointment fueled me initially but as the week has wore on sadness has reared its ugly head.
I have found myself wondering about what he must be thinking. I''m confessing this as I wish I wasn''t having these thoughts. I know it''s normal but as the song says "I haven''t got time for the pain."

I plan to begin writing him tonight --for sure going to type so I can edit, edit and then edit again.

There have been people in my life who have said I was too severe in my reaction but I really don''t think so. I have returned to these boards time and time again to reread your replies. I imagine this thread could turn very long as I''m sure I''ll be faced with whole new set of emotions as he returns. Thanks so much to all of you who continue to read and indulge my venting

Thankfully, the forum is filled with happy threads to balance my melancholy , cake lusting thread!

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 4/11/2009 12:26:31 PM
Author: katkat
Hard to say if he will follow up with my Dad. Part of him will have to wonder if everyone near and dear to me will be kind to him or not since most everyone knew it was ''D'' Day.

This has been one VERY long week.
I missed him TERRIBLY lastnight. The anger and disappointment fueled me initially but as the week has wore on sadness has reared its ugly head.
I have found myself wondering about what he must be thinking. I''m confessing this as I wish I wasn''t having these thoughts. I know it''s normal but as the song says ''I haven''t got time for the pain.''

I plan to begin writing him tonight --for sure going to type so I can edit, edit and then edit again.

There have been people in my life who have said I was too severe in my reaction but I really don''t think so. I have returned to these boards time and time again to reread your replies. I imagine this thread could turn very long as I''m sure I''ll be faced with whole new set of emotions as he returns. Thanks so much to all of you who continue to read and indulge my venting

Thankfully, the forum is filled with happy threads to balance my melancholy , cake lusting thread!

I''m sorry you''ve had such a hard week katkat. It''s always difficult right after a long relationship ends. Especially after the anger is replaced with sadness. Perhaps you can find some more of that anger when you start writing to him.

As for being to severe in your reaction, personally I think you did the bravest thing imaginable and stood up for yourself. That alone is amazing! He KNEW the timeline and chose to throw moving in together at you at the last minute as an alternative, which I think is incredibly unfair. You stuck by your guns, which is very key. You wouldn''t want to be in a relationship where you compromise yourself.

Good luck and we''ll be with you every step of the way, wishing you nothing but the best!

 

[katkat]

Yesterday my phone rang from some very odd number obviously not in the USA. I was on a walk and thinking how much I missed him. He left a message...".the ship''s engine blew, their plans have been squashed,trip awful he is very very ill. Love you, miss you. Not certain if you aren''t picking up on purpose but sorry because I want to hear your voice."

and then some. Just thought I''d update. It was actually both hard and easy not to pick up though. Strange but true.

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 4/11/2009 10:01:56 AM
Author: gwendolyn
...you are absolutely right to stand up for your desires.

Never were truer words spoken!

 

[trillionaire]

how have I missed this thread??? I''m so proud of you standing up for yourself. I would have done the same thing. Exactly.

If you don''t know if you want to be with me after 7 years, if you are not EXCITED, THRILLED, ANXIOUS to marry me after all that time, then there is nothing more to say and no more discussions to have.

Be strong, but don''t hold on to anger. It saps your positive energy. Forgive him and thank him for freeing you and let go of the anger. We don''t always get what we want, but sometimes, we get what we need.

 

[Porridge]

Date: 4/14/2009 1:38:18 AM
Author: katkat
Yesterday my phone rang from some very odd number obviously not in the USA. I was on a walk and thinking how much I missed him. He left a message...'.the ship's engine blew, their plans have been squashed,trip awful he is very very ill. Love you, miss you. Not certain if you aren't picking up on purpose but sorry because I want to hear your voice.'

and then some. Just thought I'd update. It was actually both hard and easy not to pick up though. Strange but true.

Ugh are you KIDDING me?? I'm sorry, but that is pathetic. "I'm sick...life is so hard...". That is so weak. He couldn't call and say "I'm so sorry about what happened, may we please meet and discuss it." No. He's trying to win you back with sympathy, it's manipulative and it's making my blood boil

You did the right thing. I don't think your reaction was severe. I think his was weak. You deserve better, and I'm so glad to see that you know it. I know it's difficult and of course you're going to be sad. But chin up, I think you're doing great.

ETA ditto everything Trillionaire said. Wise woman

 

[KimberlyH]

I''m so sorry he called and that this is so difficult, it will be for a while. Keep doing good things for yourself, and moving forward (step by step) it will get easier, I promise.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/14/2009 1:38:18 AM
Author: katkat
He left a message...''.the ship''s engine blew, their plans have been squashed,trip awful he is very very ill. Love you, miss you. Not certain if you aren''t picking up on purpose but sorry because I want to hear your voice.''

Note that the ENTIRE message (w/the possible exception of "i love you") is about HIM. How HE feels. What HE''s going through. It was emotional vomit. Purging so he felt better. Without any regard for how it would make YOU feel. Or WORSE ... maybe he''s lame enough to think you''ll take pity on his sad sack self & let him keep playing his stupid games for a while longer. PUHleezzzze.

 

[tlh]

Date: 4/14/2009 9:45:46 AM
Author: decodelighted

Note that the ENTIRE message (w/the possible exception of ''i love you'') is about HIM. How HE feels. What HE''s going through. It was emotional vomit. Purging so he felt better. Without any regard for how it would make YOU feel. Or WORSE ... maybe he''s lame enough to think you''ll take pity on his sad sack self & let him keep playing his stupid games for a while longer. PUHleezzzze.

deco hit the nail on the head. I would continue the silent treatment... and continue to write everything that you want to say to him. If he doesn''t come to the realization that he wanted to marry you, after SEVEN YEARS of being together, then it is better just to save your breath and not waste words on someone who has left the building.

There was a guy, I was CRAZY about. CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY! I remember being at a crossroads with him... and we met for lunch or coffee or something. For whatever reason, it just wasn''t working... and I remember standing up, whispering something in his ear, kissing him on the cheek, and walking away. As I walked away I thought Darn!!! I whispered into his DEAF EAR. Then I laughed... through my heart break... because he would always wonder what it was that I whispered to him. Then I later saw the movie Lost in Translation, and was like... darn, I don''t even remember what I whispered (I think it was something like, you''ve broken my heart.)... Not that he''s still wondering what I whispered... but it was the one thing that really helped me through that heart break... because even though I walked away strong w/o turning back - my heart was in pieces. I soo wanted him to run after me, but he didn''t. A couple of years later we ran into each other, and he then told me what an idiot he was to let me just walk away... but by then I was over him. Now this wasn''t someone I ever saw myself marrying - and he clearly didn''t see himself marrying me - but it was that defining moment - when I turned and walked away... that he should have been running after me, had he truley wanted to be with me. Of course I just so happened to run into another hottie on my walk away, and that really helped remove the sting from the break up. I wanted soo bad to give the impression that he hadn''t hurt me at all - but I was crushed. But the more I gave others the impression that I wasn''t hurting, honestly the better I felt. The talking about it over and over again is what hurt.

I don''t know if this helps, but sometimes seperating yourself from the pain makes it easier. And, the dinner date can be that nice distraction. Don''t talk about your ex, though you might be tempted to. Because your ex had ample time to know that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you... and when he boarded that ship... he walked away. It is up to you to decide if he comes running back, what WORDS he needs to say to make you think about getting back together.

HUGS and best wishes.

 

[princesss]

Date: 4/14/2009 9:45:46 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 4/14/2009 1:38:18 AM

Author: katkat

He left a message...''.the ship''s engine blew, their plans have been squashed,trip awful he is very very ill. Love you, miss you. Not certain if you aren''t picking up on purpose but sorry because I want to hear your voice.''

Note that the ENTIRE message (w/the possible exception of ''i love you'') is about HIM. How HE feels. What HE''s going through. It was emotional vomit. Purging so he felt better. Without any regard for how it would make YOU feel. Or WORSE ... maybe he''s lame enough to think you''ll take pity on his sad sack self & let him keep playing his stupid games for a while longer. PUHleezzzze.

Ding ding ding ding ding.

Katkat, you''re doing great. *hug*

 

[Nomsdeplume]

You are an inspiration. I don''t think you were too severe at all. Well done for listening to your gut instincts (we ignore those too often) and doing what is best for you.
You deserve only the best.

 

[bee*]

Date: 4/14/2009 9:45:46 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 4/14/2009 1:38:18 AM

Author: katkat

He left a message...''.the ship''s engine blew, their plans have been squashed,trip awful he is very very ill. Love you, miss you. Not certain if you aren''t picking up on purpose but sorry because I want to hear your voice.''

Note that the ENTIRE message (w/the possible exception of ''i love you'') is about HIM. How HE feels. What HE''s going through. It was emotional vomit. Purging so he felt better. Without any regard for how it would make YOU feel. Or WORSE ... maybe he''s lame enough to think you''ll take pity on his sad sack self & let him keep playing his stupid games for a while longer. PUHleezzzze.

I was thinking the same. All about him. I''m sorry that he rang and made you feel ugh again.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 4/14/2009 2:23:35 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 4/14/2009 9:45:46 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 4/14/2009 1:38:18 AM
Author: katkat
He left a message...''.the ship''s engine blew, their plans have been squashed,trip awful he is very very ill. Love you, miss you. Not certain if you aren''t picking up on purpose but sorry because I want to hear your voice.''

Note that the ENTIRE message (w/the possible exception of ''i love you'') is about HIM. How HE feels. What HE''s going through. It was emotional vomit. Purging so he felt better. Without any regard for how it would make YOU feel. Or WORSE ... maybe he''s lame enough to think you''ll take pity on his sad sack self & let him keep playing his stupid games for a while longer. PUHleezzzze.

Ding ding ding ding ding.

Katkat, you''re doing great. *hug*

UGH. Dittooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What a schmuck! He doesn''t get it and I don''t know that he ever will.

You really are doing great Katkat!!!! Have you had any cake yet?

 

[katkat]

Yes, I was struck by how "ME ME ME" that message was.
And yes Freke...had some cake over the weekend finally

Tonight is my "dinner"
Worried it may be too soon...my nerves are working over time

Update later....

 

[bee*]

Don''t put yourself under any pressure for tonight. Just go and have a good time with the guy over dinner. Have a great night!

 

[trillionaire]

soooo..... how was din-din???