Help and Opinions

[katkat]

A letter came today. Short version:

Sorry, love you, miss you,sorry, I was ready to do it I don''t know what happened, it all felt so crazy, you know I was scared, can I see you....

You get the point. My anxiety level dropped but NOTHING has changed. NOTHING. I felt very sorry for him that his life is running him and he is not running his life by succumbing to his fears and cowardice. What a shame. I am still messy over it all. Don''t know how I''ll respond. Not putting any pressure on myself to respond. Thanks for all of you who continue to read my broken banter

I know a brighter day is sure to come

 

[FrekeChild]

You''re still a BAD@$$.

Period.

 

[lulu]

Hang in there. I admire you.

 

[RubyCharm]

Date: 4/20/2009 10:44:30 PM
Author: katkat
A letter came today. Short version:

Sorry, love you, miss you,sorry, I was ready to do it I don''t know what happened, it all felt so crazy, you know I was scared, can I see you....

You get the point. My anxiety level dropped but NOTHING has changed. NOTHING. I felt very sorry for him that his life is running him and he is not running his life by succumbing to his fears and cowardice. What a shame. I am still messy over it all. Don''t know how I''ll respond. Not putting any pressure on myself to respond. Thanks for all of you who continue to read my broken banter

I know a brighter day is sure to come

I realize that a lot of people in this thread are probably going to disagree with me, but I think you should answer the following question:

*** Do you still love this man? ***

If your answer is a solid “NO,” a doubtful “NO,” a doubtful “YES,” or simply “I don’t know,” then stick to your guns and move on with your life. In this case, he’s clearly not THE ONE for you. Life is too short to spend it with somebody who doesn’t want to do everything in his power to make you happy. So, don’t settle for less.

However, if your answer is a solid “YES,” I think you should see him one more time and either:

1) Get some real closure and move on with your life if he’s still not ready to get engaged, OR
2) Get engaged right there and go shopping for a ring ASAP.

By meeting him one more time you’ll be able to discuss important things without being in a rush (as it was the case before he went on his business trip). I don’t know about you, but if it were me, I would take this opportunity to find out why he wanted to meet with your father (e.g., to get his blessing before finally proposing to you? to talk about something else, unrelated?), and clear any other doubts that you might have right now and which might make it more difficult for you to recover from this break-up (at least you won’t be wondering anymore whether you did the right thing by leaving him; you’ll know for sure that was the best decision because you had the opportunity to confirm that he’s a coward suffering from commitment phobia and not the guy who would’ve married you after he lost you and finally realized that he couldn’t live without you).

Perhaps I’m a hopeless (and silly) romantic, but there’s also a chance that he’ll propose to you now if given the opportunity (such as one last meeting). You did mention at the beginning of this thread that you both had a wonderful relationship and that he wanted to have family with you someday. I know he didn’t stick to the timeline that you gave him, but maybe he just needed a wake-up call and this was it. Maybe he knows better now. And maybe, you’ll see a changed, more resolute guy and… ask him to marry you yourself (ladies, please don’t hit me). If I knew for sure that this guy was the love of my life, I would ask him the question myself, secure an engagement, and then go shopping for a ring together. But that’s just me. Whenever I know there’s something that would make me happy and it is within my reach, I just go for it. What''s the point in being strong when you are myserable? I''d rather be weak, even silly and ridiculous, but a little happier. When you think about it, there are many things in life that you can''t change or control, but THIS you can (especially if you still love him).

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 4/20/2009 10:44:30 PM
Author: katkat
A letter came today. Short version:

Sorry, love you, miss you,sorry, I was ready to do it I don''t know what happened, it all felt so crazy, you know I was scared, can I see you....

You get the point. My anxiety level dropped but NOTHING has changed. NOTHING. I felt very sorry for him that his life is running him and he is not running his life by succumbing to his fears and cowardice. What a shame. I am still messy over it all. Don''t know how I''ll respond. Not putting any pressure on myself to respond. Thanks for all of you who continue to read my broken banter

I know a brighter day is sure to come

My response, via email.

Dear _____,

I recieved your letter. Thank you for expressing yourself. I find it slightly ironic that you are now asking ''if'' you can see me, when you had the opportunity for X-years to be sure that you would see me everyday for the rest of our lives. I am not sure what is left to meet for or talk about. I''m sorry that you don''t know what you want, but I do.

Bests,

KatKat

P.S. I''m bad-@$$, in case you didn''t notice.


SEND

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 4/21/2009 6:08:55 AM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 4/20/2009 10:44:30 PM
Author: katkat
A letter came today. Short version:

Sorry, love you, miss you,sorry, I was ready to do it I don''t know what happened, it all felt so crazy, you know I was scared, can I see you....

You get the point. My anxiety level dropped but NOTHING has changed. NOTHING. I felt very sorry for him that his life is running him and he is not running his life by succumbing to his fears and cowardice. What a shame. I am still messy over it all. Don''t know how I''ll respond. Not putting any pressure on myself to respond. Thanks for all of you who continue to read my broken banter

I know a brighter day is sure to come

My response, via email.

Dear _____,

I recieved your letter. Thank you for expressing yourself. I find it slightly ironic that you are now asking ''if'' you can see me, when you had the opportunity for X-years to be sure that you would see me everyday for the rest of our lives. I am not sure what is left to meet for or talk about. I''m sorry that you don''t know what you want, but I do.

Bests,

KatKat

P.S. I''m bad-@$$, in case you didn''t notice.


SEND

DITTO! He''s had plenty of time to ask you to marry him. He knew the deadline an chose to do nothing about it.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Date: 4/21/2009 7:13:19 AM
Author: Treasure43

Date: 4/21/2009 6:08:55 AM

Author: trillionaire

Date: 4/20/2009 10:44:30 PM

Author: katkat

A letter came today. Short version:


Sorry, love you, miss you,sorry, I was ready to do it I don''t know what happened, it all felt so crazy, you know I was scared, can I see you....


You get the point. My anxiety level dropped but NOTHING has changed. NOTHING. I felt very sorry for him that his life is running him and he is not running his life by succumbing to his fears and cowardice. What a shame. I am still messy over it all. Don''t know how I''ll respond. Not putting any pressure on myself to respond. Thanks for all of you who continue to read my broken banter

I know a brighter day is sure to come

My response, via email.


Dear _____,


I recieved your letter. Thank you for expressing yourself. I find it slightly ironic that you are now asking ''if'' you can see me, when you had the opportunity for X-years to be sure that you would see me everyday for the rest of our lives. I am not sure what is left to meet for or talk about. I''m sorry that you don''t know what you want, but I do.


Bests,


KatKat


P.S. I''m bad-@$$, in case you didn''t notice.



SEND

DITTO! He''s had plenty of time to ask you to marry him. He knew the deadline an chose to do nothing about it.

 

[bee*]

Date: 4/21/2009 6:08:55 AM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 4/20/2009 10:44:30 PM

Author: katkat

A letter came today. Short version:


Sorry, love you, miss you,sorry, I was ready to do it I don''t know what happened, it all felt so crazy, you know I was scared, can I see you....


You get the point. My anxiety level dropped but NOTHING has changed. NOTHING. I felt very sorry for him that his life is running him and he is not running his life by succumbing to his fears and cowardice. What a shame. I am still messy over it all. Don''t know how I''ll respond. Not putting any pressure on myself to respond. Thanks for all of you who continue to read my broken banter

I know a brighter day is sure to come

My response, via email.


Dear _____,


I recieved your letter. Thank you for expressing yourself. I find it slightly ironic that you are now asking ''if'' you can see me, when you had the opportunity for X-years to be sure that you would see me everyday for the rest of our lives. I am not sure what is left to meet for or talk about. I''m sorry that you don''t know what you want, but I do.


Bests,


KatKat


P.S. I''m bad-@$$, in case you didn''t notice.



SEND

I agree. He had so long and if he wanted to do it as he said, why didn''t he. I don''t buy the scared excuse. Sending more hugs katkat!

 

[Patiently_Waiting]

Date: 4/21/2009 6:08:55 AM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 4/20/2009 10:44:30 PM
Author: katkat
A letter came today. Short version:

Sorry, love you, miss you,sorry, I was ready to do it I don''t know what happened, it all felt so crazy, you know I was scared, can I see you....

You get the point. My anxiety level dropped but NOTHING has changed. NOTHING. I felt very sorry for him that his life is running him and he is not running his life by succumbing to his fears and cowardice. What a shame. I am still messy over it all. Don''t know how I''ll respond. Not putting any pressure on myself to respond. Thanks for all of you who continue to read my broken banter

I know a brighter day is sure to come

My response, via email.

Dear _____,

I recieved your letter. Thank you for expressing yourself. I find it slightly ironic that you are now asking ''if'' you can see me, when you had the opportunity for X-years to be sure that you would see me everyday for the rest of our lives. I am not sure what is left to meet for or talk about. I''m sorry that you don''t know what you want, but I do.

Bests,

KatKat

P.S. I''m bad-@$$, in case you didn''t notice.


SEND

Ditto this.

 

[Erin]

He doesn''t deserve to meet with you, make you soft, maybe have you say let''s give it another go, maybe push things off a little longer, maybe get the results you want, maybe not.

I''m so mad at him for not going through with the plan. Oh, I''m so scared, I''m so confused, I don''t know what happened, I''m just a little coward who might be making the wrong decision, what if I''m making a bad choice, what if katkat is all wrong for me, what if I''m all wrong for katkat, boo hoo, I''m so scared.

JC! You''ve been dating for how long? Men like that

me off. You didn''t do what you said you were going to do and you screwed it up. You missed out. You have lost my trust. You did not act honorable like a true friend would. You chickened out. You missed the train. Eat my exhaust.



Sorry, I''m dealing with my own issues right now so that may have gone off track a bit. I hate indecision!

 

[Pushin40]

Date: 4/21/2009 12:56:17 AM
Author: RubyCharm

Date: 4/20/2009 10:44:30 PM
Author: katkat
A letter came today. Short version:

Sorry, love you, miss you,sorry, I was ready to do it I don''t know what happened, it all felt so crazy, you know I was scared, can I see you....

You get the point. My anxiety level dropped but NOTHING has changed. NOTHING. I felt very sorry for him that his life is running him and he is not running his life by succumbing to his fears and cowardice. What a shame. I am still messy over it all. Don''t know how I''ll respond. Not putting any pressure on myself to respond. Thanks for all of you who continue to read my broken banter

I know a brighter day is sure to come

I realize that a lot of people in this thread are probably going to disagree with me, but I think you should answer the following question:

*** Do you still love this man? ***

If your answer is a solid “NO,” a doubtful “NO,” a doubtful “YES,” or simply “I don’t know,” then stick to your guns and move on with your life. In this case, he’s clearly not THE ONE for you. Life is too short to spend it with somebody who doesn’t want to do everything in his power to make you happy. So, don’t settle for less.

However, if your answer is a solid “YES,” I think you should see him one more time and either:

1) Get some real closure and move on with your life if he’s still not ready to get engaged, OR
2) Get engaged right there and go shopping for a ring ASAP.

By meeting him one more time you’ll be able to discuss important things without being in a rush (as it was the case before he went on his business trip). I don’t know about you, but if it were me, I would take this opportunity to find out why he wanted to meet with your father (e.g., to get his blessing before finally proposing to you? to talk about something else, unrelated?), and clear any other doubts that you might have right now and which might make it more difficult for you to recover from this break-up (at least you won’t be wondering anymore whether you did the right thing by leaving him; you’ll know for sure that was the best decision because you had the opportunity to confirm that he’s a coward suffering from commitment phobia and not the guy who would’ve married you after he lost you and finally realized that he couldn’t live without you).

Perhaps I’m a hopeless (and silly) romantic, but there’s also a chance that he’ll propose to you now if given the opportunity (such as one last meeting). You did mention at the beginning of this thread that you both had a wonderful relationship and that he wanted to have family with you someday. I know he didn’t stick to the timeline that you gave him, but maybe he just needed a wake-up call and this was it. Maybe he knows better now. And maybe, you’ll see a changed, more resolute guy and… ask him to marry you yourself (ladies, please don’t hit me). If I knew for sure that this guy was the love of my life, I would ask him the question myself, secure an engagement, and then go shopping for a ring together. But that’s just me. Whenever I know there’s something that would make me happy and it is within my reach, I just go for it. What''s the point in being strong when you are myserable? I''d rather be weak, even silly and ridiculous, but a little happier. When you think about it, there are many things in life that you can''t change or control, but THIS you can (especially if you still love him).

Rubycharm - I agree with you 100%!!!
Guess you and I are not Bada$$es like everyone else!

Miss the deadline and thats it you are OUT!

If I still loved him, I would give him a second chance. Everyone makes mistakes.
If not - Buh Bye.

 

[Erin]

It''s not that he missed the deadline and a magic wand makes everything go away. It is that he never addressed that he wouldn''t be following through on that deadline, he acted suprised when she was upset, he waited to contact her with an I''m So Scared letter (which further proves he''s not waiting on her doorstep with a proposal), and has yet to mention that he feels any less scared or crazy. He is not assuring her of ANYTHING. Just that he wants to see her after seven years of dating. "I was ready to do it I don''t know what happened"? Doesn''t sound like he''s ready even now.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 4/21/2009 2:17:26 PM
Author: Pushin40
Rubycharm - I agree with you 100%!!!
Guess you and I are not Bada$$es like everyone else!

Miss the deadline and thats it you are OUT!

If I still loved him, I would give him a second chance. Everyone makes mistakes.
If not - Buh Bye.

I think most posters are not opposed to him realizing that he made a mistake, but that is a conclusion that he needs to come to on his own. This is not a new negotiation, it is not explaining all the reasons that he he has for letting her down, it is MANNING UP! Take responsibility for what you did, apologize if it was a mistake, and tell her in unwavering terms what you are going to do about it. PRONTO. Anything less than that is a waste of time for both of them. If he wants her back in his life and doesn't do everything in his power to prove and demonstrate that, that is his decision.

I don't know many women on this board that would say that no one deserves second-chances, but no one deserves stupid-chances!

ETA: Ditto what Starset said! You telling me that after 7 years, you were more scared of being with me than losing me really has me swooning, I don't know about you gals!

 

[lulu]

Ditto what trillionaire said.

 

[Porridge]

Ditto what the last few posts have said.

Did he ask you at all in the letter if you were ok? Express any understanding as to what he had done to you? How he had made you feel? Or was it all just "him him him"?

More {HUGS} your way KatKat, I know it''s tough. Reiterating that you are BAD@$$, and that you are doing the right thing. Take your sweet time writing back, if you want to write back at all.

 

[Aloros]

Date: 4/21/2009 2:29:46 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 4/21/2009 2:17:26 PM
Author: Pushin40
Rubycharm - I agree with you 100%!!!
Guess you and I are not Bada$$es like everyone else!

Miss the deadline and thats it you are OUT!

If I still loved him, I would give him a second chance. Everyone makes mistakes.
If not - Buh Bye.

I think most posters are not opposed to him realizing that he made a mistake, but that is a conclusion that he needs to come to on his own. This is not a new negotiation, it is not explaining all the reasons that he he has for letting her down, it is MANNING UP! Take responsibility for what you did, apologize if it was a mistake, and tell her in unwavering terms what you are going to do about it. PRONTO. Anything less than that is a waste of time for both of them. If he wants her back in his life and doesn''t do everything in his power to prove and demonstrate that, that is his decision.

I don''t know many women on this board that would say that no one deserves second-chances, but no one deserves stupid-chances!

ETA: Ditto what Starset said! You telling me that after 7 years, you were more scared of being with me than losing me really has me swooning, I don''t know about you gals!

THIS THIS THIS.

Everyone screws up, and I''ve given that second chance, but has this guy even acknowledged that what he did was wrong? It sounds like all he has are excuses. Frankly, that''s a little insulting.

katkat, you are a first class bad@$$. It''s been seven years. He knows what to do if he wants you back.

 

[katkat]

Thanks ladies. I have read all your replies carefully. I really think the email is another "dangling carrot" It has been so many years...but it just isn''t enough as is. Think about it....he KNOWS what to do.All it was was words.
I do know he loves me...but he needs to do some soul searching and figure out what to do.

I cannot propose to him...that would be the ultimate in stripping my dignity. I will reply and I will simply echo what I have said all along. I am sticking to my guns

and if it is meant to be ...we''ll see.

I do love him. But if he can''t step up now there would always be a significant imbalance in the relationship.

 

[katkat]

"Eat my exhaust"




That is classic! Starset--your own personal stuff is making your replies even more entertaining to read. Keep ''em coming. I''m so not even exaggerating when I say I you guys have been my ROCK (pun intended)

 

[RubyCharm]

Date: 4/21/2009 2:17:26 PM
Author: Pushin40

Date: 4/21/2009 12:56:17 AM
Author: RubyCharm

Date: 4/20/2009 10:44:30 PM
Author: katkat
A letter came today. Short version:

Sorry, love you, miss you,sorry, I was ready to do it I don''t know what happened, it all felt so crazy, you know I was scared, can I see you....

You get the point. My anxiety level dropped but NOTHING has changed. NOTHING. I felt very sorry for him that his life is running him and he is not running his life by succumbing to his fears and cowardice. What a shame. I am still messy over it all. Don''t know how I''ll respond. Not putting any pressure on myself to respond. Thanks for all of you who continue to read my broken banter

I know a brighter day is sure to come

I realize that a lot of people in this thread are probably going to disagree with me, but I think you should answer the following question:

*** Do you still love this man? ***

If your answer is a solid “NO,” a doubtful “NO,” a doubtful “YES,” or simply “I don’t know,” then stick to your guns and move on with your life. In this case, he’s clearly not THE ONE for you. Life is too short to spend it with somebody who doesn’t want to do everything in his power to make you happy. So, don’t settle for less.

However, if your answer is a solid “YES,” I think you should see him one more time and either:

1) Get some real closure and move on with your life if he’s still not ready to get engaged, OR
2) Get engaged right there and go shopping for a ring ASAP.

By meeting him one more time you’ll be able to discuss important things without being in a rush (as it was the case before he went on his business trip). I don’t know about you, but if it were me, I would take this opportunity to find out why he wanted to meet with your father (e.g., to get his blessing before finally proposing to you? to talk about something else, unrelated?), and clear any other doubts that you might have right now and which might make it more difficult for you to recover from this break-up (at least you won’t be wondering anymore whether you did the right thing by leaving him; you’ll know for sure that was the best decision because you had the opportunity to confirm that he’s a coward suffering from commitment phobia and not the guy who would’ve married you after he lost you and finally realized that he couldn’t live without you).

Perhaps I’m a hopeless (and silly) romantic, but there’s also a chance that he’ll propose to you now if given the opportunity (such as one last meeting). You did mention at the beginning of this thread that you both had a wonderful relationship and that he wanted to have family with you someday. I know he didn’t stick to the timeline that you gave him, but maybe he just needed a wake-up call and this was it. Maybe he knows better now. And maybe, you’ll see a changed, more resolute guy and… ask him to marry you yourself (ladies, please don’t hit me). If I knew for sure that this guy was the love of my life, I would ask him the question myself, secure an engagement, and then go shopping for a ring together. But that’s just me. Whenever I know there’s something that would make me happy and it is within my reach, I just go for it. What''s the point in being strong when you are myserable? I''d rather be weak, even silly and ridiculous, but a little happier. When you think about it, there are many things in life that you can''t change or control, but THIS you can (especially if you still love him).

Rubycharm - I agree with you 100%!!!
Guess you and I are not Bada$$es like everyone else!

Miss the deadline and thats it you are OUT!

If I still loved him, I would give him a second chance. Everyone makes mistakes.
If not - Buh Bye.

Pushin40, you are right, we''re not.

I used to be a Bad@$$ when I was younger and more inexperienced, and I suffered a lot because of it. Then, I realized that life shouldn''t be so complicated. If you love somebody and this person loves you back and you both have a wonderful relationship free of major problems (e.g., physical or mental abuse, loss of respect, infidelity, loss of love/mutual attraction, fraud, etc.), then you should be able to work things out without being so proud. My FI and I used to have a lot of problems in our relationship because of pride. He would be very proud and I would be very proud as well, so nobody wanted to take the first step towards reconciliation whenever there were any disagreements. I knew I loved this guy like crazy, so I became softer. I learned to swallow my pride and reach out to him. Then, surprise! He learned to do the same! Now, neither of us is too proud and we''re able to fix any problems before they become toxic to our relationship. I don''t know if we would have been able to get to this point if I had continued being a Bad@$$.

Now, KatKat made it very clear to her man that he shouldn''t try to contact her any more. I know a lot of you ladies might think that, if he really loved her and wanted to make things right without being a coward, he should be running after her. However, men are different creatures and we can''t judge them based solely on what our female minds think is the right thing for them to do. Their perspective on a problem might be totally different than ours, and their behavior might be misunderstood by us if we don''t overcome our pride and have a good talk with them. At least, that has been my experience.

Anyway, KatKat, I wish you the best of luck no matter what you decide to do!!!

 

[trillionaire]

any new news, KatKat?

 

[gwendolyn]

Ditto Trill, just wondering how you are doing.

 

[katkat]

Awww...thanks for thinking of me.

I''m okay...it might be getting *a little* easier. Missing him will hit me at the most odd times of the day. I acknowledged his email and that was that. I''ve just tried to stay busy with work and working out. Weekends are definitely the most difficult.....

 

[tlh]

I agree with what Trill has posted.

Just wanted to give you a hug!

 

[ringless]

Ultimately, you have to do what is right for you and I think you did. I am also in a long relationship of 7+ years going on 8 and know how hard the wait is. Best of luck to you.

 

[trillionaire]

Hey Katkat!

Did you do anything fun this weekend? We''re some very industrious gals (and guys) around here, if you tell us where you live, we could probably come up with lots of things to keep you busy!

Hope all is well!

 

[usnwife]

KatKat- I wish that I could be half as strong as you are.

 

[LaraOnline]

I would leave it for a while, and see what he does next.

Really, the only thing that could happen for you is a proposal, you don''t need a staring-with-longing meeting that centres around the tragedy of ''love gone wrong''.

Does he have a plan for you? If it is talk, not action, I would AVOID.

What does your deep-down gut say? Really deep down, not the sad top layer!!!

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 4/17/2009 7:46:57 PM
Author: decodelighted
Your bad-assy-ness need not end. Stay strong!


I saw this paragraph in More mag''s ''reinvention blog'' today & maybe it applies here too:


Dear reader, wouldn’t I love to tell you that he wrote me right back, begged for forgiveness, threw himself on the cyberfloor and grabbed my ankles to keep me from leaving. But we all know he didn’t. (As my sister said about my ex-boyfriend, “If he were the kind of person who could apologize for being so withholding, he wouldn’t be so withholding.”)

I really liked this quote!

 

[bee*]

I hope it''s all going ok for you katkat. Remember how strong you are!

 

[Erin]

Katkat, I hope you''re keeping busy and that things are seeming clearer for you. Are they?