Help and Opinions

[katkat]

Dinner was just okay. I think he would like to pursue more but I am in no way ready. Tonight I truly realized how being with one person for so long forever changes you. I know there is life after HIM but it feels like rewriting history

Night, Girls!

 

[Octavia]

Katkat, I''m glad that dinner was okay, even if it wasn''t great. Don''t push yourself too hard or too fast to move on, it''s really only been a few days. I think it''s a really good thing that you went out, because the worst thing is to sit at home and mope for too long, but that doesn''t mean it has to be anything more than a nice evening out with an old friend.

I haven''t been posting too much on your thread, but I''ve been keeping up with it and I think you''re doing fantastic! Nobody expects you to be over your ex this soon, and I know from my past experience that there are some relationships you never truly get over, even when they''re long dead and you''ve moved on to different and better things. It''s just a part of living and loving, I guess. As for it being both hard and easy not to pick up the phone, I completely know the feeling. Ugh

.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

You are doing so well!! The first few weeks are the toughest!

I have a quote for you!

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust noone but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
-Marilyn Monroe

 

[Kitiaral]

Way to go girl!!! You are one strong women. That must''ve been so very hard for you, but you followed your heart. Your heart must''ve know that it wasn''t the right thing for you to do. If he wants you to move in INSTEAD of being engaged, that''s a little shady. Especially since you two have been together so long. Take some time for yourself, and then find a man who is not afraid of commitment. You deserve it! And if this was the way he was feeling, then he should''ve told you way before the "cutoff date". Move on... you will find happiness. Keep us posted!

 

[Winks_Elf]

Date: 4/14/2009 1:38:18 AM
Author: katkat
Yesterday my phone rang from some very odd number obviously not in the USA. I was on a walk and thinking how much I missed him. He left a message...''.the ship''s engine blew, their plans have been squashed,trip awful he is very very ill. Love you, miss you. Not certain if you aren''t picking up on purpose but sorry because I want to hear your voice.''

One word: KARMA!

 

[tlh]

Date: 4/15/2009 12:35:19 AM
Author: Octavia
Katkat, I''m glad that dinner was okay, even if it wasn''t great. Don''t push yourself too hard or too fast to move on, it''s really only been a few days. I think it''s a really good thing that you went out, because the worst thing is to sit at home and mope for too long, but that doesn''t mean it has to be anything more than a nice evening out with an old friend.

I haven''t been posting too much on your thread, but I''ve been keeping up with it and I think you''re doing fantastic! Nobody expects you to be over your ex this soon, and I know from my past experience that there are some relationships you never truly get over, even when they''re long dead and you''ve moved on to different and better things. It''s just a part of living and loving, I guess. As for it being both hard and easy not to pick up the phone, I completely know the feeling. Ugh

.

I agree.

HUGS!

 

[Erin]

Let''s pretend the trip is over and he''s coming home tonight. He wants to see you and you oblige. He asks for some time to shop for a ring and suprise you with an engagement in six months time. He tells you all this lovey dovey stuff about how he thinks you''re the best but he just couldn''t manage to plan all this, especially with the upcoming details of the trip he was working on. He never intended to make you upset or lose you, he just needed more time and he''ll get started on it right away.

What''s your answer?
1. Yes because before he missed his deadline, you knew you were meant for each other and you were excited about the prospect of your upcoming committment.
2. No because now you realize that he didn''t take you seriously and who knows what other things in life he''ll do on his timeline without regard to yours (the actual wedding date? kids? buying a house? moving to a new city? having a second child?)
3. I don''t know

I agree with writing a letter to get your feelings on paper because when the time comes for a conversation you already have a well thought out and organized discussion with catch phrases you want to remember. I wouldn''t send it to him though. Although I prefer a fluid conversation with room to wiggle.

However my question above would be the explanation I''d be writing out. I''d have to bet he will come back miserable without you, asking for more time.

Big Hugs!

 

[katkat]

So, I have written and rewritten a letter. No words seem to compare to outright silence. I''m on the cusp of doing nothing at all. I don''t really need to serve him up a letter of my feelings. He knows. He knew.

I don''t know if he''s the kind of guy who will run after me or anyone for that matter. In these past two weeks, I have re-evaluated his character altogther.

Starset, I don''t think a face to face meeting would do me any good....seeing him could weaken me I think. Your questions were great and I thought a lot about them. If that whole scenario actually played out my leaning would be (c)

 

[FrekeChild]

katkat. You''re a bad@$$.

Seriously.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 4/15/2009 11:12:42 PM
Author: FrekeChild
katkat. You''re a bad@$$.


Seriously.

x2

 

[katkat]

Freke...bless you!

That''s one of the best darn compliments ever. Especially coming from you! I''m a bada$$ wannabe.

 

[FrekeChild]

No. You''re a bad@$$. Trust me. Just ask Gwen.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 4/15/2009 11:30:46 PM
Author: FrekeChild
No. You''re a bad@$$. Trust me. Just ask Gwen.

It''s true. We don''t lie about this sort of thing.

 

[FrekeChild]

Nope. We don''t. We speak the truth.

 

[Octavia]

Seriously. I''ve always known Freke or gwennie to tell it like it is...good, bad, or otherwise

 

[katkat]

Oh my gosh, you are funny. I will keep telling myself I''m a bada$$ Inside, I fell pretty jello like. I realize that with him being gone these last weeks has been like riding a bike with "training wheels" on. Tomorrow he gets back and the wheels come off and I will be riding minus the comfort zone of him being thousands of miles away. I would be lying if I said I didn''t expect any call/text from him....as women I think we all do. But the fact of the matter is I am preparing myself or (trying to) that he will just do nothing. And Ii know that that would confirm my decision one thousand times over but ugh, the thought of it

 

[KimberlyH]

Katkat, you can count me n to the "You''re bad@ss" posse. You may not feel that way, but doing what you are is extrodinarily difficult, as you well know, and you''re doing it anyways because it''s right for you. Make lots of plans with friends/family this weekend so you''re time and mind otherwise occupied. You should be so proud of yourself for knowing what is best for you and making sure you''re taken care of, no one else will do that for you until you do it for yourself.

 

[katkat]

So today I am messy Expected I suppose since today he returned. There was no call, no text and it surprised me that he was finally respecting my boundary! Go figure, I get no response and I get antsy. I fought the urge to email my letter. Someone please tell me what to do! See, told you I was no bada$$

 

[decodelighted]

Your bad-assy-ness need not end. Stay strong!

I saw this paragraph in More mag''s "reinvention blog" today & maybe it applies here too:

Dear reader, wouldn’t I love to tell you that he wrote me right back, begged for forgiveness, threw himself on the cyberfloor and grabbed my ankles to keep me from leaving. But we all know he didn’t. (As my sister said about my ex-boyfriend, “If he were the kind of person who could apologize for being so withholding, he wouldn’t be so withholding.”)

 

[Octavia]

I think you should hold out for a little longer before mailing it. Give it a week, and see how you feel about him being around but not around, so to speak. If he tries to contact you in that time, let him stew and let it all coalesce. If you want to send him the letter, or to speak to him, do it on your time, and when you feel comfortable with it, whenever that may be. And if it's never, that's fine too.

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 4/17/2009 7:38:28 PM
Author: katkat
So today I am messy Expected I suppose since today he returned. There was no call, no text and it surprised me that he was finally respecting my boundary! Go figure, I get no response and I get antsy. I fought the urge to email my letter. Someone please tell me what to do! See, told you I was no bada$$

I can understand your feelings. He did as you asked, yet a part of you probably thought he would come through and realize his mistake. You ARE a bada$$! Stick to your guns and remember we''re here to listen to you vent and help you stay strong You''re truly awesome and an inspiration to manyh of us, myself included!

 

[katkat]

So, he has been back since Friday and the silence on his end has certainly brought me down some. I don''t know what I expected ...I set the boundary of DO NOT CONTACT me. He respects it finally and now I am squirmy. I am even more confused by my own feelings. All natural I suppose but nonetheless VERY uncomfortable.

 

[bee*]

Date: 4/19/2009 10:23:27 AM
Author: katkat
So, he has been back since Friday and the silence on his end has certainly brought me down some. I don''t know what I expected ...I set the boundary of DO NOT CONTACT me. He respects it finally and now I am squirmy. I am even more confused by my own feelings. All natural I suppose but nonetheless VERY uncomfortable.

I know how you feel. I think we''ve all been in that place where you ask someone not to contact but there''s a tiny bit of a hope that they might just pull through and do what you''ve hoped they would. I think that''s only natural after being with someone that long. Stay strong, it will get better. It is natural to be confused with how you''re feeling but just try and remember why you left him. Those reasons are still there. Sending lots of hugs.

 

[katkat]

I had contemplated making myself a "let down" list. A list of all the times I have been let down or disappointed by him in the past so that every time I start to feel soft...I can look at my list and toughen up again Not sure if it would be a good thing or just reliving negative emotions.

 

[bee*]

Yeah it''s hard to say which it would do. If you do feel like writing it out you can always rip it up when you''re done if you don''t want to keep seeing it all the time.

 

[purselover]

Hi Katkat, just wanted to chime in my support and echo everyone who''s said how amazing you are. I hope you''re doing!

 

[Porridge]

That sounds like a good idea. His silence...well, I know there''s always the hope that he would camp outside your door with a ring and promises of love for life (we all harbour those hopes when something like this happens!), but he didn''t and it''s a let down. It''s normal that that would upset you a little. Don''t worry. You''re doing great, and you''ve done the right thing.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 4/19/2009 10:37:32 AM
Author: katkat
I had contemplated making myself a ''let down'' list. A list of all the times I have been let down or disappointed by him in the past so that every time I start to feel soft...I can look at my list and toughen up again Not sure if it would be a good thing or just reliving negative emotions.

Do you keep a journal or diary? The list could be an easy, quick way of reminding yourself why you''re not with him now, but your feelings may be (probably are?) much more complicated than that. Something that helps me is to sit down with a journal or a small stack of paper and write about my feelings--not to him, but some unknown, unbiased 3rd person out there to try to explain what has happened, why, and how you feel about it all. It''s purpose isn''t to show anyone later on, but just to help you clear out your head. It can take a long time, since as you write you remember other things you''d forgotten, so if you do decide to do something like this, make sure you allow yourself lots of time to get it all onto the paper.

Stay strong, darlin''! You will get through this.

 

[canuk-gal]

Date: 4/19/2009 10:23:27 AM
Author: katkat
So, he has been back since Friday and the silence on his end has certainly brought me down some. I don''t know what I expected ...I set the boundary of DO NOT CONTACT me. He respects it finally and now I am squirmy. I am even more confused by my own feelings. All natural I suppose but nonetheless VERY uncomfortable.

HI:

It is easy to appear strong when untested--self doubt can be very derailing. Stick to your convictions--your wants, needs, and direction/purpose are not negotiable.

cheers--Sharon

 

[lulu]

How are you doing katkat? Been thinking about you.