Help deciding on an engagement ring

[HappyChappy]

Gah this makes me even more mad! I’m sorry if I’m overstepping but omg. You told him you didn’t love it and wanted to wait, he disregarded your wishes and went ahead anyway, and now he is saying he’s upset when you say you don’t love it (which you already said! Why is this a surprise?!). I am glad you feel heard by us (we got you!) and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that he will come around. It’s an important piece of jewelry that you have to look at every day. You deserve to have something you love.

Thanks @Mreader! That is how I feel about it too. I will certainly be having a good brainstorming session with him about how we can work out something we are both happy with. There are obviously some deeper issues here for him, and certainly for me, so it's a good growth opportunity.

 

[Avondale]

When he bought the ring it was late at night my time, so I went to bed a bit in shock and woke up the next morning crying because I felt like he made a really important decision without my consent, even though it involved our money and affects both of us.

Tell him that!
Also, the bold part - that's not something to be downplayed. Your true feelings came out even though you hadn't consciously processed them yet. This really upset you and he should hear that and understand it.

I'm sure he didn't act maliciously, and he most certainly didn't want to make you feel the way you did. He got excited, he believed you'd be excited, too, and share in the feeling, and now it's not quite working out and he's taking it personally. It's understandable, a completely human reaction.

What I want to point out, though, it that you've been considering his feelings and trying to see things from his point of view this whole time. Now it's time for him to do the same. And if he doesn't, even after you start the conversation and explain your feelings, then this would be about so much more than just one ring.

 

[HappyChappy]

Thank you @Avondale, I think you're absolutely right and that's what I set about doing. Yesterday I found some PS threads about not liking your ring and that information, along with the comments in this thread, helped me feel empowered to explain how I'm feeling and why I want what I do. Last night we had a difficult conversation about it but he finally understands my perspective and is supportive of me making modifications. Yay! So now that's sorted, I need to know whether I can change the diamonds/if it is worth changing them.

@Lookinagain, it is sunny this morning so I took some videos of the ring in different lights. Apologies for the low quality videos. I have a 7 year old phone so the camera isn't great, but hopefully this gives you an idea. It is looking pretty damn good in the first video but it doesn't quite look as sparkly in person. The other videos are true to what it looked like in person.

https://imgur.com/4U8ChJx

- direct sunlight

https://imgur.com/SK8Qs6S

- indirect light indoors

https://imgur.com/VNpJnjY

- dappled sunlight under tree (I think Erstwhile uses this kind of light so that is probably the most direct comparison to the diamonds in my inspiration ring)

https://imgur.com/1Ju0iGB

- general outdoor light

When I wear the ring it's mostly in that indirect indoor light so it looks flat and it is quite obvious that the colour of the diamonds don't match (which bothers me more than it probably should). But what are your thoughts? Do you think I could find better performing diamonds? If so, what specs would you look for?

Thank you for your thoughts and advice, you've all helped me so much already After the last couple of days I'm going to feel like a right goose if I end up not changing anything about the ring but at least my boyfriend would get his way lol

 

[Dreamer_D]

these are old cut diamonds but later ones, so in the transition from old cuts to modern cuts. They are not very well cut unfortunately. I have seen at least one diamond with these types of proportions, and while all old cuts are interesting, I don’t live this particular make. The diamonds are just too shallow to reflect light as they should! This causes the flat look you describe.

I also notice a grey cast but I don’t think that is the diamonds. I suspect the inside of the baskets that hold to diamonds has blackened over time. Maybe not a very good alloy of white gold was used. That blackened color will really darken the stones. I had an antique ring with that problem once and when I freed the diamond it was an amazing difference. You could go to a reputable local jeweler and they could likely clean the ring properly to get rid of the black. The diamonds also don’t look clean to me and likely need a good soak in ammonia. No, antique jewelry stores don’t always clean the rings they sell beyond a superficial wipe! I don’t understand it but there it is.

So my first advice would be to return it and get something you like. Barring that, get it professionally cleaned so it looks its best.

EDIT: 6k is also a very very steep price for what it is, which is more reason to return it.

 

[Lookinagain]

I tried downloading your videos to see if I could get a better idea of the cut. But I really can't. Not sure if @dreamer_dachsie was able to do that and post something more clear. Without that, I really can't tell if your ring is well cut or not. But I'm wondering if what you call sparkle, that you say that you see in the first video, is the fire? Sparkle and fire are not necessarily the same.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I zoomed in on one of the first photos she posted and could see the facet pattern on the center stone, the low crowns, and the grey cast. Now I also see the darkening at the base of the prongs that makes me more convinced there is black oxidation or something inside the baskets.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Looking at those zoomed in images again I do think properly cleaning the ring and the diamond could make a big difference. The diamonds are reflecting a lot of grey and they don’t look clean. It’s a good first step anyway!

 

[mayaINaU]

Thank you @Avondale, I think you're absolutely right and that's what I set about doing. Yesterday I found some PS threads about not liking your ring and that information, along with the comments in this thread, helped me feel empowered to explain how I'm feeling and why I want what I do. Last night we had a difficult conversation about it but he finally understands my perspective and is supportive of me making modifications. Yay! So now that's sorted, I need to know whether I can change the diamonds/if it is worth changing them.

@Lookinagain, it is sunny this morning so I took some videos of the ring in different lights. Apologies for the low quality videos. I have a 7 year old phone so the camera isn't great, but hopefully this gives you an idea. It is looking pretty damn good in the first video but it doesn't quite look as sparkly in person. The other videos are true to what it looked like in person.

https://imgur.com/4U8ChJx

- direct sunlight

https://imgur.com/SK8Qs6S

- indirect light indoors

https://imgur.com/VNpJnjY

- dappled sunlight under tree (I think Erstwhile uses this kind of light so that is probably the most direct comparison to the diamonds in my inspiration ring)

https://imgur.com/1Ju0iGB

- general outdoor light

When I wear the ring it's mostly in that indirect indoor light so it looks flat and it is quite obvious that the colour of the diamonds don't match (which bothers me more than it probably should). But what are your thoughts? Do you think I could find better performing diamonds? If so, what specs would you look for?

Thank you for your thoughts and advice, you've all helped me so much already After the last couple of days I'm going to feel like a right goose if I end up not changing anything about the ring but at least my boyfriend would get his way lol

Looking at those zoomed in images again I do think properly cleaning the ring and the diamond could make a big difference. The diamonds are reflecting a lot of grey and they don’t look clean. It’s a good first step anyway!

I agree, cleaning is a must. But could @HappyChappy clarify, is it only concerns about the stones’ performance that bothers you, or do you want a totally different style setting, stone cut or size, etc? If you don’t like the three-stone look, the size of the stones, the round shape, probably doesn’t make sense to get in deeper with this setting (even unmounting the stones and cleaning). Also I agree with the previous poster that $6,000 is a very high price for this piece.
Edit: have you looked at Era Gem? https://eragem.com/ej15771.html

Vintage Engagement Rings | Antique Diamond Rings | EraGem

Authentic vintage and antique engagement rings featuring styles from Art Deco to retro mid-century. Choose a one-off treasure!

eragem.com

 

[HappyChappy]

Ok, this is all very good to know but also very disappointing! I suspected the price was too high for what it was. I also got a major case of side eye when my boyfriend said the sales assistant told him "with antiques you could spend years looking for something that is exactly to your liking". Umm...technically yes but I could also have one made?

My boyfriend purchased the ring in England and the store only allows you to return for store credit. We live in Australia so I'm not sure if that's legal there but I guess if it's change of mind then it is?

@dreamer_dachsie I actually really like a grey look to stones, I find the centre stone in particular to be too yellow. I would prefer more grey! I also love three stone rings so the setting is fine with me - not the one I would have picked out but he chose it and that makes it special. I was more concerned about the sparkle of the diamonds.

The compromise my boyfriend and I reached was that we'll keep the setting and change out the diamonds to make it more sparkly (if possible), that way it's still the same ring he picked but it has more of the glitter I was hoping for. However, it's starting to look like that's not really an option. It took so much for him to reach that compromise it's looking like I might just need to live with not having a ring I love or having a really unhappy boyfriend :,( I don't know why he is so hung up on me having the exact ring he picked, he's usually really easygoing and understanding. I've asked but he doesn't have a clear answer, perhaps he doesn't know himself.

 

[HappyChappy]

I agree, cleaning is a must. But could @HappyChappy clarify, is it only concerns about the stones’ performance that bothers you, or do you want a totally different style setting, stone cut or size, etc? If you don’t like the three-stone look, the size of the stones, the round shape, probably doesn’t make sense to get in deeper with this setting (even unmounting the stones and cleaning). Also I agree with the previous poster that $6,000 is a very high price for this piece.
Edit: have you looked at Era Gem? https://eragem.com/ej15771.html

Vintage Engagement Rings | Antique Diamond Rings | EraGem

Authentic vintage and antique engagement rings featuring styles from Art Deco to retro mid-century. Choose a one-off treasure!

eragem.com

Thanks @mayaINaU, I will earmark Eragem but I don't think I am in a position to look for entirely new rings given how tense my boyfriend has been about this situation! And that it seems I overpaid for my current ring...

 

[HappyChappy]

I tried downloading your videos to see if I could get a better idea of the cut. But I really can't. Not sure if @dreamer_dachsie was able to do that and post something more clear. Without that, I really can't tell if your ring is well cut or not. But I'm wondering if what you call sparkle, that you say that you see in the first video, is the fire? Sparkle and fire are not necessarily the same.

I couldn't seem to find a better way to share the videos than Imgur unfortunately. I am a bit old school when it comes to tech (thus the 7 year old phone) so I don't really have social media and it seems the only way to share videos is through a third party media site. If you know of any other way for me to share videos on here I'm happy to try and post something downloadable.

 

[mayaINaU]

Thanks @mayaINaU, I will earmark Eragem but I don't think I am in a position to look for entirely new rings given how tense my boyfriend has been about this situation! And that it seems I overpaid for my current ring...

I’m sorry that you are going through this. You will find a solution that brings you peace. We are happy to help or just support.
I agree with others then; can you have someone unset the stones, give it all a professional clean, see how the stones look out of the setting…then decide what to do from there (put the stones in a new setting if they actually perform well once unset?)

 

[HappyChappy]

I’m sorry that you are going through this. You will find a solution that brings you peace. We are happy to help or just support.
I agree with others then; can you have someone unset the stones, give it all a professional clean, see how the stones look out of the setting…then decide what to do from there (put the stones in a new setting if they actually perform well once unset?)

You've all been fantastic support so far, I really appreciate it!

I could have someone unset the stones, clean them up and see what the go is. Even if I just ask their opinion on the stones in the setting that might be helpful. In person they might be able to assess whether it's worth trying to save them. If not, I'll just sell the ring, cop the loss and have something similar made with stones I really love. Perhaps this might even be a good thing as I can be a bit cheeky and upgrade the size of the middle stone a little

As for the boyfriend, if I explain to him what you guys told me today and he comes with me to the jeweller he might start understanding what the situation is, and that it's nothing personal to him. Perhaps then he'll give me a bit more grace to do what I want.

I'll figure it out, things do usually have a way of working themselves out.

 

[Dreamer_D]

The grey is dark reflection from the ring and it is hurting the sparkle, as is the coating of oil or whatever on the stones (they don’t look clean). Really you have no idea what the true body color of the diamonds or cut quality really is until that is addressed. No point planning for contingencies until you truly know what you have.

 

[HappyChappy]

The grey is dark reflection from the ring and it is hurting the sparkle, as is the coating of oil or whatever on the stones (they don’t look clean). Really you have no idea what the true body color of the diamonds or cut quality really is until that is addressed. No point planning for contingencies until you truly know what you have.

Ok, that's really good to know - I didn't realise cleanliness could have such an impact!

 

[maryjane04]

I just caught up with everything and all I can say is that your boyfriend/fiance was so silly.

Would he have spent 6k on a car without doing any checks and buying on impulse? I am really disappointed in that you didn't get what you wanted and now you have to feel guilty about not wanting it.

If he had done his research, taken a little time he would know that jewellery in Australia and in the UK are always far more $$$$ than what it is in the US. He really rushed this one and I wish you could return it.

Now you'll have to deal with this costly setting if you have to replace the stones. I would recommend selling the entire piece to recoup your losses but your partner is emotional about it.

I was in your shoes and accepted something I wasn't happy with and for years was wanting something else. It ended up costing more and resulted in years of resentment haha. Maybe he'll let you upgrade or buy an anniversary piece?

 

[Avondale]

Your videos can be seen just fine, don't worry. @Lookinagain if you open the videos in imgur, they can be downloaded from the additional menu (the three dots) in the top right corner, but it won't really help with the clarity and the resolution, it's just how the video is.

For what it's worth, I'll bring it to everyone's attention that the ring was 6000 AUD, not USD. @HappyChappy I think you mentioned it a couple of times, but once the thread progresses and everyone starts just using the $ sign it's easy for this detail to get forgotten. So the ring was actually about 4000 USD, which can easily still be too steep, but maybe you didn't overpay as grossly.

 

[lulu_ma]

The grey is dark reflection from the ring and it is hurting the sparkle, as is the coating of oil or whatever on the stones (they don’t look clean). Really you have no idea what the true body color of the diamonds or cut quality really is until that is addressed. No point planning for contingencies until you truly know what you have.

Please get the ring professionally deep cleaned. It could make a big difference, as many have said.

Also, I went back to look at one of your original inspo pics. Why don’t you try the ring out with similar bands? A band may complete the look for you.

 

[Mreader]

I was just popping into to say something similar to what @lulu_ma was saying. I don’t know if you like bands, but one way to perhaps salvage the situation is to spend the extra funds on a super blingy band. Like a five stone ring or something. For 4K you could really get a nice band. Maybe even wear that as your wedding ring, and wear the other one as a right hand ring or both together. Just a suggestion!

 

[tyty333]

I was just popping into to say something similar to what @lulu_ma was saying. I don’t know if you like bands, but one way to perhaps salvage the situation is to spend the extra funds on a super blingy band. Like a five stone ring or something. For 4K you could really get a nice band. Maybe even wear that as your wedding ring, and wear the other one as a right hand ring or both together. Just a suggestion!

I can see a 5 stone CVB Norah band with it using the size of the side stones. Of course, you need your prongs in white gold or
platinum.



with a spacer...obviously, these are bigger stones but I agree with @Mreader. You could bling out your
ering nicely with a blingy wedding band.



Here is a link to a Norah band that has slightly smaller stones in it.

*SOLD*CVB 7 Stone Norah | Loupe Troop

loupetroop.com

 

[lulu_ma]

Here is a suite of stones from Ivy and Rose. They could make you a band with these.

1.13ct G-I VS1-SI1 OLD EUROPEAN CUT DIAMOND 7 STONE LAYOUT VINTAGE PARCEL LOOSE

Highlights:- Rare matched set of 7 old European cut diamonds- All original vintage stones- All face up white with color grades of G-I- All eye clean with clarity grades of VS1-SI1- Natural earth mined diamondsAdditional Notes:The diamonds are being sold loose, but they can be mounted upon...

ivyandrose.com

 

[josieKat]

In one of the closeups I felt like I could make out some possibly nice bubbly facets on the center stone. I’m eagerly awaiting a sparkle report once a deep cleaning is done (if you can’t get to a shop for a steam cleaning, try a toothbrush or stiff fibered small paint brush and a grease busting dishwashing detergent and scrub scrub poking into the holes to get underneath the stones, plus some soaking in between).

 

[Mreader]

Idk if this is hard to get in Australia but I swear by this stuff:

Amazon.com

 

[ItsMainelyYou]

I'm sorry that this has been difficult for you.

I actually think it's mostly just dirty. Your full sun video had some very promising flash to it. This is a ring that will probably have a big glow up once clean. The center actually has nice checkerboard patterning.

Drop your ring in 1/4c ammonia, and swish a few drops of plain Dawn like dish soap(no moisturizers) to one cup warm water and let it sit for half an hour. Then, take it out and use a baby toothbrush to give a thorough scrub in all the crannies. Rinse. Scrub again. Rinse.

It will improve right away- and then you can admire it before you can get it to a jeweler who will deep clean.
I will second getting a nice band of oecs/omcs to bling it up is a another alternative.

I have a 3mm band and the side stones on my ring are 4mm.

 

[glitterata]

Add me to the crowd saying this ring will probably look a whole lot nicer once it's clean. @ItsMainelyYou has given you great advice about how to clean it. I agree with her that the cut is promising and it may well turn out to be very pretty once it's clean. It has a pretty checkerboard pattern that looks like one of my favorite antique diamonds, which is very sparkly.

Ring aside, and this is none of my business, but if you and your partner are going to be raising a child together, the whole family would benefit from better joint decision-making. You wrote:

Perhaps it is time to book in with a counsellor rather than a jeweller lol

I know this was a joke, but I actually think it's a really good idea. Couples counseling can really help.

 

[Mreader]

Any update @HappyChappy ?

 

[HappyChappy]

Hello again, apologies for the two week silence, I have been on the mend so took the opportunity to attend to some baby related organising as the due date is fast approaching!

@maryjane04, I'm sorry to hear about your experience but it was helpful for me as it definitely reinforced my resolve to end up with something I really want. Thankfully, my boyfriend has settled a lot about the idea of replacing the stones or the ring entirely if I'm not happy with it. We usually have pretty good communication and have done some couple's counselling in the past but @glitterata I completely agree, since this happened I thought it might be time for a tune up. We had our first session on Thursday and already things are a lot happier between us so I think it was the right move.

@Avondale, thank you for clarifying re the price. It settled my mind a bit. I believe it was 2850 pounds, but it turns out my fiance had a terrible travel card for a transaction like this and therefore had some exchange rate shenanigans. That somewhat also explains the price in AUD.

I did manage to get the ring in for a cleaning and wow, you were all so right, it has made a big difference!

Below are some videos in different lights:

https://imgur.com/eRSwygP

- direct sunlight

https://imgur.com/vTtQjTA

- indirect light under a tree

https://imgur.com/65UbHpR

- indirect light indoors

https://imgur.com/QTupeLm

- ordinary indoor light

After the cleaning I did a little reading on diamonds and noticed on inspecting the middle stone that there are some 'twinning wisps' and a little cloud along the edges of the middle diamond, which may reduce the sparkle. Obviously my phone video wont show up those features, but based on what you can see would I get much more sparkle if I replaced the stones (or the ring)? Or would it make a marginal enough difference that I just go with it and look to wedding bands instead? I know my jeweller is not for replacing the stones, when I mentioned it she said 'oh please don't, it's such a lovely old ring'. She seems like a woman with a lot of class so hearing her opinion did make me think twice.

Also, thank you to those who suggested bands, @ItsMainlyYou, your band is just gorgeous, particularly with your rings, and @tyty333 that second photo just blew me away. Those are some amazing rings! Thank you @lulu_ma for the link too, I had a look and I really love the layout of this website. Perfect for finding replacement stones if needed, or stones for a new band.

Thanks again for all your advice and support, it means a lot to me!

 

[HappyChappy]

Any update @HappyChappy ?

Sorry that reply was a long time in the making, finally posted an update lol!

 

[lulu_ma]

@HappyChappy the cleaning made a HUGE difference! The stones are so sparkly.

 

[Mreader]

@HappyChappy the cleaning made a HUGE difference! The stones are so sparkly.

Yes definitely!!!