Help with Mom

[chicagolawyer]

Hi All,

I'd welcome any advice on how to handle my mother.

I'm planning most of the wedding myself, but involving my parents in most final decisions. E.g. I find 15 venues, narrow it down to two, show it to parents and get their input.

This has worked out pretty well, but I know my mother wants to be more involved. I've tried handing some things off to her. E.g. invitations. I told her she could do invitations. I'm really excited about having invitations that are my style, I feel as though they set the tone, so it was big for me to hand this off but she wanted to do something big. So I gave her examples of what I liked -- clean, modern pockets with a bit of pattern. I said nothing girly, flowery or festooned with ribbons and bows. She went to meet with the invitation people today and what is she excited about and wants to get? A girly, romantic invitation festooned with a big ribbon.

When I hand things off to her she basically ignores my suggestions. This has happened other times -- she wanted to help me pick my shoes. I wanted comfortable shoes, which to me = less than 2.5 inches and no teeny tiny stilletto point. I sent her examples of nice open toe D'orsay heels. She orders two pairs of super tall stilletoes with pointy toes for me. I told her that these weren't quite what I had in mind and her response is "Well this is the only type of shoe that will look good with your dress."

I know this isn't huge drama compared to most, but I'm at a loss as to what to do. Let her just choose these things and be sad?

I'd work with her more, but it is so much more time consuming to do something like invitations together because we are in different cities.

I can easily stand up to friends and coworkers etc., but I am just not good at dealing with my family.

 

[Sabine]

I know it''s hard when you are in different locations, but could you allow your mom to help with something big, and here help is the key word, without her being totally in charge of it? Like with invitations, picking them out is (at least to me) the easy part. Once they are ordered, she could help you put them together, address them, etc., which is something that will really save you a lot of time without changing any design elements of your wedding. I think you need to be in charge of making the decisions, but once they are made, she can help execute them.

 

[Independent Gal]

You could do what I''m doing: have two weddings, let mom plan one, you plan the other! Sure it''s expensive, but it definitely keeps the peace! Haha.

Seriously, though. I would never, ever let my mom pick shoes for me, nor would she want to. So I''m trying to think of how I would handle it if she did want to. I guess what I''d do is just not hand stuff off to her. If she wants to be more involved, say something like "Mom, I really want to feel the sense of accomplishment that comes from doing this myself. I only get one wedding and I want to enjoy every aspect of planning it and not miss out on anything."

Or maybe do a mini-version of my case, and let her help plan a party or shower or something?

I know what you mean about it being waaaaay harder to say ''no'' to mom than anyone else. I can totally stand up for myself with businesses, colleagues, even my dad. But when it comes to saying ''no'' to mom or a dear friend or someone like that, I''m a mess.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I have the opposite problem where it is like pulling teeth to get my mother involved but there are a few things she has helped with like below.

Maybe she could contact caterers to get info and set up meetings with the ones you liked.
She could research florists or photographers and send you links to some of them.
She could put together a list of things she has liked at previous weddings.
She could deal with contacting the family later on when you are getting RSVPs back and such.

 

[sumbride]

Is there anything you don''t particularly care about that you can give her to do? Like maybe favors? or centerpieces? or a guest book? If you give her tasks that are crucial (and believe me when I say that comfortable shoes are CRUCIAL) then it is going to lead to disappointment... you''re almost setting up for failure. But if you can find something that she can do her way that won''t bother you, let her do it. You can''t delegate and have it done exactly the way you want it... she''s already proven that... so find something you can let go of and then do exactly that. That''s the only way I got through my planning. Only delegate what you can stand to let go of. It won''t be done your way if you aren''t doing it. good luck!