radiantquest
Ideal_Rock
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hey girls....when you go out to dinner with your bf ...
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LaurenThePartier
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Mediterranean
Brilliant_Rock
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Date: 12/28/2008 1:03:59 PM
Author: Winks_Elf
It depends on which one of us is broke at the time!
Yup, this is us! LOL. We both free-lance, so it depends on who is in an "up" cycle and getting tons of jobs, and who isn''t. When we''re both working, it''s whoever can fish their wallet out faster. When we''re both not working, we fix meals at home and alternate (if he cooks, I clean up after, and vice-versa). It''s been like that pretty much since day one, because neither of us have been 9-to-5 style employees with predictable checks since we''ve been together.
Most of the time I''ll let him pick up the check, but if we''re say, going out to dinner and a movie, I''ll pay for the movie. If he paid for the meal last time, I''ll try to get it the next time around. Lately we just split the bill and pay it separately. Every girl likes to be taken out and treated, but so does every guy. I think at the beginning of relationships the guy is expected to pay more, but once your in the relationship for a while I think it''s only fair to keep things even. I think it also depends on people''s situations (who has more money on the time, etc.) My SO and I are celebrating our two year this week
and I plan on paying the check at a nice restaurant/inn.
wintergreen
Rough_Rock
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We alternate who pays. On our first date he paid for dinner and I paid for the movie. Ever since then we have switched off on who pays. I personally would rather go dutch, but he prefers alternating. This isn''t the 1950''s anymore. I can''t imagine expecting a guy to pay for every date. On the first date, I think the person who asked should at least offer to pay for it all.
ckrickett
Ideal_Rock
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He pays for most everything. But that''s because he makes almost 3 times what I make. I do my best and when I can I pick up tabs and do nice little things. I feel bad that I can''t help out more, but when I can I do. He knows this, he is the one that told me it was all OK because we were a team, and my problems are OUR problems. I still try to help out, but he has to pick it up most of the time.
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LOL oppps yes I saw that but I thought she meant to tyope "owned" and made a typo. But I see what she meant now. I don''t know about all men but I think most that like to pay are happy to do it. I would hate for anyone to feel like they had to...Date: 12/28/2008 7:46:11 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier
Katica, Sizzle said ''owed'', not ''owned''. Kind of different implications with the addition of one little letter.
Iowa Lizzy
Brilliant_Rock
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I would say he pays 85% of the time. I usually offer to pick up the tab when we go somewhere cheap or get take-out. I''m in a situation like a lot of other LIWs, he makes a considerable amount more than me. Lately we don''t go out to eat nearly as much. I always say "I''d rather have a big sparkly diamond than a big fattening steak, so save your pennies. I''ll cook something at home."
dec2410
Shiny_Rock
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Date: 12/28/2008 5:14:24 PM
Author: bee*
Date: 12/28/2008 4:12:26 PM
Author: rob09
Date: 12/28/2008 2:14:44 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier
I think it''s incredibly narrow-minded to assume that a man who allows you to pick up the tab once in a while in the early dating stages isn''t thinking about you, or a future with you. And to be honest, I don''t see it as lacking in manners either. It''s not the 1950s any longer, and women are able to make their own livings. It just reaffirms to me that if you''re an independent and self-reliant woman, and it''s recognized by your potential partner, you may have a more equal relationship down the road.
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
totally agree. I didn''t have much time to post earlier but I was just thinking of this when I was in the shower. I do not agree that if your man allows you to pick up the bill that he doesn''t have good manners or doesn''t want a future with you-I really do think that it''s ridiculous to suggest such a thing. Our relationship is equal and until I went back to college, we always took turns.
I absolutely agree.
Early on in our relationship, when I was still finishing school and he was working full time, he paid for most of our meals. I kept asking to pay and he never would let me. The first meal I paid for, I sort of tricked him into it. Haha. (we went to a place i knew was "cash-only"...he almost never carries cash. haha.). Now, especially since the roles reversed (he''s now back in school and i''m working full time) we either take turns, or even a lot of the time, I pay!
I don''t agree with the statement that a man who lets his gf pay for a meal lacks in manners. I find that to be a blanket statement and is very narrow-minded. My boyfriend has incredible manners and respects the fact that I make a living and would like to have an equal opportunity relationship. hahaha.
WishfulThinking
Brilliant_Rock
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We alternate, or split the bill. Usually it''s whichever of us can afford it at the time, as we''re both broke students. We don''t go out that much, but find we can afford to go more often if we split it so it costs less for each of us! [We don''t have a joint account and haven''t really merged our finances completely].
It''s also sort of hard to tell which one of us is "supposed" to pay for it according to the tradition since there''s no men involved. Plus, if we went by tradition we wouldn''t even be dating/married in the first place, or be allowed to go on a date in a public place anyways!
It''s also sort of hard to tell which one of us is "supposed" to pay for it according to the tradition since there''s no men involved. Plus, if we went by tradition we wouldn''t even be dating/married in the first place, or be allowed to go on a date in a public place anyways!
wannaBMrsH
Brilliant_Rock
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I am sure that every situation is different, but I agree with Lara and KatM. When I was younger (I am in my early 30s now) I used to think that I had to prove to someone that we were equal and that I was independent. So I paid or split the bill. And that didn''t work for me or the relationship that continued to elude me. I am glad to see that so many others have been able to find the relationship they want without modifying their behavior. I had to modify my behavior to find the man of my dreams.
When I met my FI, we were friends for months before we started dating, and we frequently had lunch together (with others) and occassionally drinks. I paid for all my meals and all my drinks, because we were FRIENDS (I would never presume to make my friends pay my way). However, when HE asked ME out on a date, I let him plan the date, pick me up at my place, take me to a great place for dinner and pay for the meal. I spent hours waxing, bathing, putting my make-up on, picking the perfect outfit and getting my hair just right in order to please him. I was charming and fun and appreciative of all the effort he put into taking me out. At the end of the evening, he gave me a mind-blowing kiss and asked me out on a second date.
While I am very comfortable paying for my food, clothes, bills and manolos, I have no problem buying his Calvin Klein suit just because it was gorgeous and perfect for him. I have no problem picking up a new vest/tie set for his tux when I pick up my formal gown for a charity function. This isn''t the 50s, but my FI and I are certainly NOT equal. He is the man in our relationship and I am the woman. There are jars in our pantry that whether I like it or not, I am unable to open and shelves in our cabinets that I can''t reach without a stepstool,. It is much easier to call FI sweetly and ask him politely to help me and be appreciative of ALL of the things he provides for me (both financially and practically).
I am all for independence, however, now that I am in a relationship, I am no longer free to do whatever I want with whomever I want whenever I want. I answer to him and I don''t take that lightly. In the end, he pays for our dates and it works for us.
When I met my FI, we were friends for months before we started dating, and we frequently had lunch together (with others) and occassionally drinks. I paid for all my meals and all my drinks, because we were FRIENDS (I would never presume to make my friends pay my way). However, when HE asked ME out on a date, I let him plan the date, pick me up at my place, take me to a great place for dinner and pay for the meal. I spent hours waxing, bathing, putting my make-up on, picking the perfect outfit and getting my hair just right in order to please him. I was charming and fun and appreciative of all the effort he put into taking me out. At the end of the evening, he gave me a mind-blowing kiss and asked me out on a second date.
While I am very comfortable paying for my food, clothes, bills and manolos, I have no problem buying his Calvin Klein suit just because it was gorgeous and perfect for him. I have no problem picking up a new vest/tie set for his tux when I pick up my formal gown for a charity function. This isn''t the 50s, but my FI and I are certainly NOT equal. He is the man in our relationship and I am the woman. There are jars in our pantry that whether I like it or not, I am unable to open and shelves in our cabinets that I can''t reach without a stepstool,. It is much easier to call FI sweetly and ask him politely to help me and be appreciative of ALL of the things he provides for me (both financially and practically).
I am all for independence, however, now that I am in a relationship, I am no longer free to do whatever I want with whomever I want whenever I want. I answer to him and I don''t take that lightly. In the end, he pays for our dates and it works for us.
CNOS128
Ideal_Rock
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Before we got engaged, he paid for 99% of our meals out. Sometimes I''d take him out for a nice meal to celebrate his birthday or an accomplishment, or sometimes I''d pay for a (relatively inexpensive) meal if I felt like it. He often would refuse to let me pay, but every once in awhile he''d let me pick up the tab just to see my reaction.
But he knew pretty early on that he wanted to marry me, so his attitude (even if it was unexpressed to me at the time) was that all our money would be the same money eventually. Half the time when we went out, I wouldn''t even bring my wallet. (He''d also pay for my groceries sometimes, or my stuff at the drugstore if he was buying things, too).
Now that we''re engaged, he still pays for most things unless I get to my wallet first or he doesn''t have cash. What''s weird is that if I pay for dinner in that circumstance (there are a lot of all-cash places in our neighborhood), he gives me the cash back once he has a chance to go to the ATM. But I think it''s partly because he makes sure I always have cash in my wallet (for safety reasons) - which is one of the many, many reasons I love him.
Anyhow...
But he knew pretty early on that he wanted to marry me, so his attitude (even if it was unexpressed to me at the time) was that all our money would be the same money eventually. Half the time when we went out, I wouldn''t even bring my wallet. (He''d also pay for my groceries sometimes, or my stuff at the drugstore if he was buying things, too).
Now that we''re engaged, he still pays for most things unless I get to my wallet first or he doesn''t have cash. What''s weird is that if I pay for dinner in that circumstance (there are a lot of all-cash places in our neighborhood), he gives me the cash back once he has a chance to go to the ATM. But I think it''s partly because he makes sure I always have cash in my wallet (for safety reasons) - which is one of the many, many reasons I love him.
Anyhow...
Bliss
Ideal_Rock
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Exactly! I don't think it's an indicator. But FI always waved away my trying to pay (because I really did want to pay!) because he felt like it was irrelevant who paid. He felt like since I was his future wife, it wouldn't matter and he preferred to pay because his dad taught him to always pay for the lady. There were a few times I got to the server first (on the way back from the ladies' room and slipped him my cc!)... But even when he was a student in b-school, he paid for trips, dinners and pretty much everything.
The important thing is, he always respected me and I felt very independent even though he paid for so much in our relationship.
How he treats you is the best indicator above and beyond who pays for what.
To FI, he always asked my opinion and took it VERY seriously like I was his co-pilot in life. So I always felt like I was giving him the privilege and the pleasure of paying for me. He shows me great respect.
It wasn't like I was his little pet. LOL. If that were the case, you can bet I'd be WRESTLING him for the check!!!! LOL. No, I wouldn't marry a guy like that! LOLOL.
LaraOnline
Ideal_Rock
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Date: 12/28/2008 4:12:26 PM
Author: rob09
Date: 12/28/2008 2:14:44 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier
I think it''s incredibly narrow-minded to assume that a man who allows you to pick up the tab once in a while in the early dating stages isn''t thinking about you, or a future with you. And to be honest, I don''t see it as lacking in manners either. It''s not the 1950s any longer, and women are able to make their own livings. It just reaffirms to me that if you''re an independent and self-reliant woman, and it''s recognized by your potential partner, you may have a more equal relationship down the road.
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry if I upset anyone. Just talking about my own experiences here. I am a VERY open minded and independent person, my background is as a newspaper journalist. I had NEVER expected anyone to look after me... and waddya know? Nobody did!
And then I met my husband.
And he didn''t make a show of anything, at all. He just seemed to know what was on his mind, right from the start. He wanted to spend time with me. He always paid (never anything flashy, by the way!)
There''s NO WAY he could have thought I was after a free meal, believe me!!!
I have prevented many men from paying for me in the past. He was really the first person I really felt comfortable about having pay for me, for anything. I was pretty broke when I met him, perhaps that was partly it. Six years later, he''s still fabulous. And yes, I''m afraid he has always been MUCH more considerate than my other boyfriends, by a mile.
As I said, this is simply my own experience.
that_someone_special
Ideal_Rock
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I read this thread earlier and asked BF how he feels about this. I pick up the tab .. maybe 5% of the time. He said he doesn''t mind doing it and it evens out (I do the cooking and about a billion other things.)
To the married ladies, do you have seperate accounts then if you split the bill? I mean, wouldn''t it all be coming out of the same place anyways? I only have one set of married friends that have seperate checking accounts so their extra money is really THEIR extra money.
To the married ladies, do you have seperate accounts then if you split the bill? I mean, wouldn''t it all be coming out of the same place anyways? I only have one set of married friends that have seperate checking accounts so their extra money is really THEIR extra money.
that_someone_special
Ideal_Rock
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Actually I was just thinking about this too, but the EXPENSIVE dinners we have, I seem to be the one paying for those... hehe...
We went out to dinner tonight with his unrelated "family" and they NEVER let us pay. I feel bad so I always order cheaper stuff since they end up paying for 6 people vs 2. They''re SO sweet and lovely, but I wish we could pay just once!
We went out to dinner tonight with his unrelated "family" and they NEVER let us pay. I feel bad so I always order cheaper stuff since they end up paying for 6 people vs 2. They''re SO sweet and lovely, but I wish we could pay just once!
fieryred33143
Ideal_Rock
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sammyj
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Thomperchik
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LaraOnline
Ideal_Rock
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fieryred33143
Ideal_Rock
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I just wanted to add since the highlighted portion seems to be something others agree with:
When we would split paying for dinner (and by split I mean one time I pay, the next he pays...we never split a bill though), I never felt that I was doing it to prove that I was an equal partner or that I was independent. I''m far from being a feminist.
I did it because we both worked really hard, we both had bills, and we both deserved a special night out. Granted that I''m talking about when we were much younger and in starving college days so most of our meals consisted of pizza or if we felt like really celebrating, TGI Fridays. But we always split. If we went to the movies, he would get the tickets and I would get some popcorn. If I ordered pizza when he would come over, he''d go pick up some movies from Blockbuster.
For us it was always "all in the wash".
stephbolt
Brilliant_Rock
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I pick up the tab about 1/4 - 1/3 of the time I would guess - FF has a good job while I only have a grad school stipend. Occasionally he will force me to put away my wallet, mostly if I''ve been complaining lately about finances, but in general we both accept our current split - not sure how we will change things when we move in together in a few months.
LaurenThePartier
Super_Ideal_Rock
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LaurenThePartier
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Haven
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Date: 12/29/2008 11:49:44 AM
Author: LaurenThePartier
Big fat DITTO to this!
I want to thritto this. I don''t see picking up the tab (as a woman) as an assertion of independence, I see it as a way to treat your man to a meal out.
I assert my independence by having interests, friends, and ideas of my own, not money.
SwedishBean--Yes, now that we''re married our accounts are merged so there really isn''t any of "his" money and "my" money now. The one who pays now is whoever is the fastest draw with the debit card.
Aloros
Brilliant_Rock
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He took me out for our first date and paid for everything. I invited him out the next time and paid. I always thought it was who did the inviting does the paying. Of course, once we were in an established relationship it was a lot more relaxed. We took turns most of the time.
Now it''s just who gets there first most of the time. We''re engaged now, and consider the money we have to be "our" money, so it doesn''t matter who pays.
Now it''s just who gets there first most of the time. We''re engaged now, and consider the money we have to be "our" money, so it doesn''t matter who pays.
Dreamgirl
Ideal_Rock
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Yes! I feel its only fair. And while FF is looking for a better job, I like to pay more often now that I have my better job. This way he can save for my ring
lol! hehe
When I was out of a job, he didn''t let me pay for anything. Many times however, I only pay the tip and he pays the bill. And usually when we eat out, we pay no more than $30 total......
When I was out of a job, he didn''t let me pay for anything. Many times however, I only pay the tip and he pays the bill. And usually when we eat out, we pay no more than $30 total......
happydreams
Shiny_Rock
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Hilarious, dreamgirl!!! I often think that in inner monologue when I reach into my wallet to pay for meals- "yeah, let me pay...you need to save up for my ring".Date: 12/29/2008 2:10:50 PM
Author: Dreamgirl
Yes! I feel its only fair. And while FF is looking for a better job, I like to pay more often now that I have my better job. This way he can save for my ringlol! hehe
When I was out of a job, he didn't let me pay for anything. Many times however, I only pay the tip and he pays the bill. And usually when we eat out, we pay no more than $30 total......
for the record, I pay around 40% of the time. when we go to nice restaurants (I live in NYC so it ends up being upwards of 100 dollars if the place is above average) he will always pay. But I think we're both pretty conscious of prices when we order, no matter who pays. We will try to keep the tab under 60 dollars
for an ordinary night out.
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