How much of an age difference is too much?

[Haven]

edited.

 

[Bliss]

In some cases, it can be true love and who can say anything when it comes to love?

But in my personal experience, when a man is going after women nearly half his age and he's in his 50s... that would raise red flags with me. I'm sure he's sexy, fun and all that. But I would think a man in his 50s would want a woman closer to his own age. At 29, you have so much ahead of you and tons of new territory with new experiences to share with someone special. You might want to experience those moments together. At 54, he's probably done and experienced all that. You know?

But then again, it could be true love. 29 is your prime. Those are very important years for a woman. I would be very upset if a man in his mid-fifties was hitting on my 29 year old sister. It would seem selfish to me. Who knows? Maybe it could work out and I'd be a believer then! But I think the guy should know better when he's lived his life to pursue a young woman just starting out on hers.

It's so hard to say. A young woman could marry another young man and lose him to illness or an accident. You can't say anything's forever. But I think young people deserve each other. I'm not talking 10 years difference... but 25 years difference is I think really hard down the road. When you're turning 40 he'll be a senior citizen. I know a colleague who regrets marrying a man much older than she is - she is literally changing his diapers when she is in her sexual prime of 45! She's all hotness and wanting to live it up and he's in diapers and bedridden. I think he was purposely looking for a young woman so he could have kids and she'd be around to take care of them...and also so she could take care of him in his old age. It was not in her best interest but in his best interest. Do you want that for yourself? Things look a lot different down the road. I could just be a fuddy duddy!!!

If even so it's all worth it, then that's love! I know you can't say that now... but think carefully! Sure a date isn't a huge deal but say you're smitten and you burn 3-4 years with this guy, then realize later the age difference is too big a factor? Then you'll be 32-33... 29 is an important age, not a time to mess around if you want kids! Life is short, but that doesn't mean take it lightly! Just sayin' - sista to sista!

 

[Dancing Fire]

don''t know about you guys,but i can''t imagine my daughter marrying a man my age

it would give me an instant heart attack.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 3/15/2009 11:27:18 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I think before you (or anyone) can really judge, you should go out and have dinner with this man.

Like with every potential relationship, you need to establish if you have anything in common first and foremost--otherwise all this worry is a moot point.

If you find that this could ''go somewhere'' then you need to have a real and honest conversation with yourself about your expectation from a relationship...do you want children? What is his back story, are you comfortable with that? When you get to be in your 50''s and are unmarried, there are bound to be questions, is he divorced? Does he not commit? You need to decide if he meets your requirements.

Then, you can start worrying...

children ?? LOL!! when the kid graduates from HS he''ll be in his mid 70''s

 

[CdnBlingGal]

Date: 3/16/2009 12:27:04 AM
Author: Dancing Fire
don''t know about you guys,but i can''t imagine my daughter marrying a man my age

it would give me an instant heart attack.

DF, I think my parents thought the same thing.

What makes it even worse is I am the last born out of 5 daughters, he''s 20 years older and he''s a Caucasian to boot -- I am Chinese. My parents love him.


To the OP, why not live for today. Go out and enjoy yourself, it might be the best thing you did.

 

[allycat0303]

I would find it really hard. My mother is 12 years younger then my father (not a huge amount). They have a really great relationship, but honestly, she always said that if she were to do it again she wouldn''t. She found the last 10 years to be very hard because they are in different places in their lives. And my father gets tired easily, so their lives are not what she expected. I personally wouldn''t do more then 2-3 years, but that''s personal.

It would raise red flags to me too if the man was 50 going for a woman that is 25. I KNOW 25 years old (lots of them, because many of my class mates are that age) and even if they are really mature etc., they are at different places in their lives (even compared to me, and I am 29). I suppose I wonder how much of the whole father figure thing would play into it.

 

[bee*]

I''d have a hard time dating someone that much older too but if you really can''t stop thinking of him, then maybe go on a date and see where it takes you.

DF-my dad would totally think the same as you!!

 

[OMG]

I am 27 - my dad is 56. I could NOT imagine dating a man my dads age. Like another poster said - its creepy.
I agree that a date is only a date - and that you should go out and have fun, but that also depends on what stage you are at in life. Are you looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, have kids with, travel with etc? I think that if you are looking for someone long term you should imagine the future good and bad with this man (regarding age) and then see how you feel.

Unless we were talking about George Clooney! Ha-Ha

 

[babysteps]

In the spirit of ''why not'', I would definitely spend some time with the guy and see how you feel. At the same time, I must confess that scenes from ''Sex & The City'' when Samantha dated the old guy are flashing thru my head.

 

[BonnyLass]

I think all the responses have allowed me to solidify what I already thought- that he''s too old and the older we became the more the age difference would bother me. He is actively wanting to have children, too! Recent dating difficulties have, perhaps, led me to take more interest in him than I normally would. I never thought that I''d be single at 29!

 

[JulieN]

Date: 3/16/2009 7:47:47 AM
Author: babysteps
In the spirit of ''why not'', I would definitely spend some time with the guy and see how you feel. At the same time, I must confess that scenes from ''Sex & The City'' when Samantha dated the old guy are flashing thru my head.

"when did it become ok for old geezers to hit on hot women?"

 

[BonnyLass]

You''re exactly right, and that does piss me off some! I''m ALWAYS being hit on by much older men to the point that I''ve wondered why they find me more attractive than do men my own age!

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Date: 3/16/2009 9:01:56 AM
Author: BonnyLass
I think all the responses have allowed me to solidify what I already thought- that he''s too old and the older we became the more the age difference would bother me. He is actively wanting to have children, too! Recent dating difficulties have, perhaps, led me to take more interest in him than I normally would. I never thought that I''d be single at 29!

BonnyLass - I realize based on this post that you''re leaning the other way. You can see my longer response in your other thread about "29 and still dating" if you want, but my basic thougth is the following:

I''m turning 24 and am 14.5 years younger than my fiance - he''s 38. When we first started dating, he was adamant about me making sure I was ok with the age difference, because he was open and honest about the fact that it doesn''t affect him as much as it could me. Sure, I wish we could be closer in age. But it doesn''t bother me, because it''s not what''s important. I''m completely honest when I say that. Age is just a number to me, and sure, when we all get older, he may show more age than me.

But I agree with what many other posters said - all we are guaranteed is TODAY. We don''t even have tomorrow, and I''d rather spend 15 years with someone who is the love of my life than 50 years with someone I semi-get along with and who doesn''t get me. If I''d never met my FI, I probably wouldn''t venture into this much of an age difference. But I met him while not looking for anyone, and it hit me smack in the face - sound just like your situation did. It is the greatest relationship ever - we are so compatible. Plus, he physically has the body of a 30 year old, not an almost 40 year old. We kind of meet in the middle as far as maturity goes, so it works great. Who knows - I could get in a wreck on my way home today, be paralyzed, then HE would be the one taking care of me. Those things are just too petty for me to consider letting it be the deciding factor in my life.

My parents'' eyes got big when I first told them about him. But they knew it was ultimately my choice, and I didn''t hide things from them. So I think they appreciate that. Now that they''ve met him, they get along with him so great - did from the very beginning. And I don''t have many true "friends," so who cares what they really think. The true ones aren''t going to judge on a number.

And the ultimate point - I say it''s just a date. Try it. If things aren''t awkward after turning him down for that reason, you can still use the reason after the date if you don''t want to go on another. Just be honest with yourself, and if you''re honestly looking for the real thing, don''t let petty numbers get in the way of something that could mean so much to your life, no matter how much or how little you get of it.

Keep us updated!

 

[vespergirl]

I''ve always gone for older guys, and have usually dated about 10 - 15 years old than me. My husband is only 5 years older than me, but I''m getting more attracted to him now that he''s starting to get some grays

 

[vespergirl]

And duh, I never answered your question, you should totally go for it.

My friends would give me grief for dating older guys when we were single, and they dated guys mostly their own age or a little younger. I was going to the best restaurants in the city and being courted, while they were expected to play beer pong and waited desperately for a call back. I like older men because they generally act like men, not boys.

 

[fieryred33143]

I think age is just a number...to an extent.

But when the partner is old enough to be your parent, that would be my limit. This guy didn''t even have to be a promiscuous teen to be your dad. He could have been an adult out of college, married, and in his second year at a good job with a 401K and health insurance to be your dad.

Plus, in your other thread you talked about your biological clock. It should be noted that 29 is nowhere near old and you have *plenty* of time to find someone to settle down with. But if you are serious about dating to settle down, then I wouldn''t waste my time with fun dates in between. If you can''t see a future with someone, don''t waste your time

 

[monarch64]

My stbx is 7 years older than me, and that was actually a huge difference for us. (I was 24 and he 31 when we met). I''m currently interested in a man who is 5 years younger than me. I really could not see myself having a lot in common with someone more than a couple years older than myself, but that''s just me. I don''t think it''s weird when I see older men with much younger women, I''ve seen plenty of May-December relationships, it''s just not for me. Go out with him, try to treat it casually and just enjoy being friends first, then go from there if it''s a match!

 

[tlh]

29 is a lot closer to 30... not 18. It is not gross at all. You are at an age where you know what you want, etc. You said it yourself, you''d be all over him if he were younger. I say, go ahead and go out with him. Never know what kinda fish you''ll get if you don''t first throw out the line.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 3/16/2009 9:10:23 AM
Author: JulieN

Date: 3/16/2009 7:47:47 AM
Author: babysteps
In the spirit of ''why not'', I would definitely spend some time with the guy and see how you feel. At the same time, I must confess that scenes from ''Sex & The City'' when Samantha dated the old guy are flashing thru my head.

''when did it become ok for old geezers to hit on hot women?''

i have no such luck

 

[musey]

Date: 3/15/2009 6:29:03 PM
Author: JulieN
It''s just a number unless he can''t keep up with you.

Yup, agreed.

For me, I have a mental block about older men because of the lifestyle I want to lead, now and in the future. I''ve never found myself attracted to them for this reason (and probably chance, as well).

If you are more open-minded than I in that regard, then who knows? You wouldn''t want to pass up the potential for a great relationship due to the years that separate you.

 

[tlh]

Date: 3/16/2009 10:39:34 AM
Author: fieryred33143
I think age is just a number...to an extent.

But when the partner is old enough to be your parent, that would be my limit. This guy didn''t even have to be a promiscuous teen to be your dad. He could have been an adult out of college, married, and in his second year at a good job with a 401K and health insurance to be your dad.

Agreed. This would give me the heebie jeebes, I think.

My grandmother remarried a man who was around the same age as my mother... and when my mom found out they could have gone to HS together, she was upset. Not because of his age, but because my grandmother was so embarrassed that he was soo much younger that SHE LIED about his age. It is actually a great settup though, he is working, she''s retired, and they are living a great life. She is happy, because she finally has a man taking care of her, when she spent her life taking care of her man, and her children.

That said, if this man has a career, well established, and can offer you a life that he''s already spent years building, what''s the pain in that? But I think we''re moving a little ahead of ourselves here... you don''t know what it will be like until you go out first. I have been on dates w/ some real DREAMBOATS only to find that I built them up WAYY better in my head - after a date, all was for not.. I TOTALLY CHANGED MY MIND!

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

I agree about leading the same lifestyle - if you are athletic and they like to sit around, you probably won''t get along too well. Or vice versa. But if you both can keep up with each other''s lifestyle and interests, I think you''d be good to go. Even though FI is almost 15 years older than me, we''re both very physical and athletic, so we keep up with each other and support each other well.

I do also agree about the parent "limit" haha. Like Anna Nicole or something - that''s a bit too much.

I think the age difference in you and this guy is fine. But I don''t think I''d want to go above that.

Sooooo you gonna go out with him??? C''mon c''mon we wanna know...

 

[HollyS]

He probably is a great guy. But a 54 yr old man does not have the same reference points about life experiences as a 29 yr old woman. There is little common ground; which would become painfully obvious after awhile. It will be like dating your Dad eventually.

I speak from personal experience. And . . . my hubby is 54. He may find the young gals at work attractive, but they leave him scratching his head in bewilderment. People from different generations do not think the same, react to life the same, approach the future the same. And that is the way life is meant to be; 25 years is a common age difference between parents and children for a reason.

And even if he''s convinced you that he is not past middle age and getting stodgy yet -- he is. He''s just lying to himself.

I think my DH is adorable, but he''s definitely starting to stodgify!

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Dating and marrying are two vastly different issues. When I was 22 I dated a man twenty years my senior and we had a great relationship; but for me marriage was out of the question. My DH is 6 years older than me and I am beginning to think it is too much.

Go out with him--what''s the harm? You''ll soon find either you have common ground or you do not.

cheers--Sharon

 

[AGBF]

It was interesting to me that I saw this thread right after reading a wedding announcement in yesterday's "The New York Times" that had me thinking about the subject of age difference between a dating couple.

The reason that I was thinking about the topic is that, according to the published story of the bride and groom, the groom initially lied about his age to the bride. She said that if he had told her his true age she would never have gone out with him!

What on earth is the moral of that story? They are now wildly happy, but if she had been allowed to use her best judgement they wouldn't be together at all!

Excerpts from the story are below.

"IT took an intervention of sorts to bring together Dr. Rachel Steward, a hyper-energetic physician from rural Vermont, and Peter Lord Moreland, a laid-back musician from Brooklyn, known professionally as Peter Lord.

The elements for their romance began to form early in spring 2006 in the Manhattan apartment of Dr. Steward’s friend Dr. Myrandele Damian-Coleman.

Dr. Damian-Coleman said she 'thought Rachel deserved a nice guy' but was meeting all the wrong ones in the wrong places — namely St. Luke’s-Roosevelt Hospital Center in Manhattan, where both are medical residents. The two doctors and a male friend talked about Dr. Steward’s bad choices. But when she went for the door, Dr. Damian-Coleman said she locked it and told Dr. Steward she wasn’t leaving until she joined an Internet dating service.

Dr. Steward, then 27, and for whom online dating carried the stench of desperation, remembered thinking, 'Oh, my God, has it really come to this?' But with her exit blocked, Dr. Steward chose the path of least resistance and entered her profile on Match.com.
...
Days later, Mr. Lord, a record producer and a founder of the Family Stand, a group that mixes pop, funk and R&B, also found himself motivated to meet people outside his usual circle. Dr. Steward, an obstetrician and gynecologist, was at work when she clicked on Mr. Lord’s message and profile. She hesitated over his posted age (37) but was intrigued by the photo of him singing.
...
Before heading overseas, she learned their differences went beyond style: he was not 10, but 20 years older than she. 'It slipped out when he had told me his sister was the same age as my mother, and that his sister was seven years older than he was,' she said. 'I said, ‘That makes you 47.’ and he said, ‘Oh, yeah, that’s really how old I am.’

Dr. Steward, now 29, admitted, 'If he hadn’t lied about his age I would never have agreed to go out with him.' Still, she said it took her a few weeks to become comfortable with the revelation. 'If I am going to build a family with this man and spend the rest of my life with him, I want him to be there,' Dr. Steward said.

In the end, she said, 'I was extremely comfortable and trusting of him.' She also appreciated 'coming home from the hospital to find the house filled with artists creating.'"

"The New York Times" story


AGBF

 

[klewis]

Date: 3/16/2009 8:38:35 PM
Author: AGBF




It was interesting to me that I saw this thread right after reading a wedding announcement in yesterday''s ''The New York Times'' that had me thinking about the subject of age difference between a dating couple.


The reason that I was thinking about the topic is that, according to the published story of the bride and groom, the groom initially lied about his age to the bride. She said that if he had told her his true age she would never have gone out with him!


What on earth is the moral of that story? They are now wildly happy, but if she had been allowed to use her best judgement they wouldn''t be together at all!


''The New York Times'' story



AGBF

But he didn''t even confess, she found him out. She''s deliriously happy married to a liar, and I''d say the writing''s on the wall. Am I too cynical?

 

[AGBF]

Date: 3/16/2009 8:59:23 PM
Author: klewis

Date: 3/16/2009 8:38:35 PM
Author: AGBF




It was interesting to me that I saw this thread right after reading a wedding announcement in yesterday''s ''The New York Times'' that had me thinking about the subject of age difference between a dating couple.


The reason that I was thinking about the topic is that, according to the published story of the bride and groom, the groom initially lied about his age to the bride. She said that if he had told her his true age she would never have gone out with him!


What on earth is the moral of that story? They are now wildly happy, but if she had been allowed to use her best judgement they wouldn''t be together at all!


''The New York Times'' story



AGBF

But he didn''t even confess, she found him out. She''s deliriously happy married to a liar, and I''d say the writing''s on the wall. Am I too cynical?

What do I know? But thanks for asking!

AGBF

 

[niccia]

If I were attracted to him, I would date him too. I generally find guys in their 30''s/40''s a lot more attractive than younger guys (I am 30). Having said that, my fiance is three years younger than me, but he is the only younger guy I have ever really been interested in. ETA : My dad is 12 years older than my mum and she complains about the age difference endlessly now. My dad hasn''t really kept himself in great shape though. Most of the time, I don''t think it would be a problem, unless the guy is scary older than you.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I can see 10 or even 15 years difference when the couple are in their 20''s and 30''s. But to think of a 29 year old and a man 25 years older...that gives me a picture of my daughter (23) dating someone my husband''s age, and that is something that I cannot grasp! And when I think of myself and someone my father''s age...(well, he died of Alzheimer''s last fall)... I think you''d absolutely have to think of the reality that you might be in your prime middle age years nursing an elderly husband.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 3/16/2009 10:42:56 PM
Author: niccia
If I were attracted to him, I would date him too. I generally find guys in their 30''s/40''s a lot more attractive than younger guys (I am 30). Having said that, my fiance is three years younger than me, but he is the only younger guy I have ever really been interested in. ETA : My dad is 12 years older than my mum and she complains about the age difference endlessly now. My dad hasn''t really kept himself in great shape though. Most of the time, I don''t think it would be a problem, unless the guy is scary older than you.

25 yrs difference in age ain''t scary enough for you?