I don''t want to change my last name, but he wants me too.

[blissfulbride]

How do I get out of it?

I hear it''s alot of work, and if i were too .Where would I even get started.

Thanks

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Do you want to keep your last name for personal reasons? Why does he want you to change it?

If you simply don''t want to change it, then keep it. Or try to find something that would make you happy (hyphenated last name, two middle names, two non-hyphenated last names, maiden name as middle name, a combination of both last names to form a new last name, you get the idea).

If you don''t want to change it because it''s a pain in the butt to change, it''s not as bad as you think. I added my maiden name as a second middle, which required an extra step wherein I had to go to court to have it legally changed and even that was pretty painless. Start with your social security card at the SS office, then go to the DMV to change your license, these are the biggest two. I then sent in the paperwork to change my passport, went to my bank to change my accounts, called the credit card companies, etc. All of the major things took less than a couple of days.

For me personally, changing my name was one of the hardest parts of getting married...but that was a personal issue and not a logistics issue--logistically it wasn''t so bad.

 

[fieryred33143]

Well planning a wedding takes months.

Changing your name is like a week of paperwork.

By comparison, it really isn''t that much work. Google a checklist so that you can use that as a guide if that''s what''s holding you back.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Changing your last name shouldn''t be something you "get out of"...if you do not want to change it for personal reasons, and you feel strongly about them...then you should also be able to explain them to your Fi.

I hyphanated my old last name with my new one.

 

[Clairitek]

Date: 1/28/2009 9:50:21 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Changing your last name shouldn''t be something you ''get out of''...if you do not want to change it for personal reasons, and you feel strongly about them...then you should also be able to explain them to your Fi.

I hyphenated my old last name with my new one.

Ditto.

I am on the fence, for personal reasons, when it comes to changing my name. At the least I will hyphenate. I will see how I feel when it really comes time to make a choice whether or not I want to go the whole 9 yards.

Actually, what concerns me more is that if I don''t change my name fully that our kids share a name with me, as well as him. Though, our last names hyphenate horribly with each other I still want our kids to have a connection through their last name to my family. That matters more to me than their last name having a nice ring to it.

Just want to note that this is how I feel at this moment- who knows how I will feel on the day we get married or when we have kids. I realize that it could all change.

 

[Rhea]

You get out of it by saying no, it''s my name, my choice, and I''m keeping it.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Have you given any thought to what last name you''ll give future children? That''s where it gets confusing for them. "My daddy is Mr. X, and Mommy is not Mrs. X but Ms. Z."

My boyfriend would be very insulted if I didn''t take his last name, especially since I still use my ex-husband''s last name. Talk about confusing the teachers! My oldest has one last name, the other three kids have a different last name, and mine will be completely different!

 

[Bia]

If you don''t want to change it, because it''s your name and important to you, then don''t change it. I''m sure you have a good reason, so explain yourself to your FI and if he doesn''t like it, he''ll come around.

 

[mayachel]

Imho, if you feel strongly about keeping your name, you should. If you were to decide at a later date that you are interested in changing it, it can be done.

I think a non-confrontational conversation, wherein you learn his concerns about wanting you to change your name should happen. Not with the intent of changing either of your minds, but to try and see where the other is coming from. You may find that it is more important to you to keep your name, than it is to him for you to change it. You may also find, that upon further consideration it seems to be more important to him than it is to you, and you are willing to compromise to make him happy.

Combined names, hyphenated, children''s names, professional titles can all be handled later.

 

[palomablancabride]

I'm a teacher and I'm used to having students with parents with different last names. The school provides us with the names of the parents as listed when the student registered. I teach high school and I also have my students fill out an information sheet with the full names of their parents to account for parents with different last names. Right now it certainly is less "confusing" to have parents with different last names than like 20 years ago.

I thought that I would make my maiden last name my second middle name but after I get married I couldn't bare the though that as a second middle name it woudn't really appear anywhere so I talked with my husband and he was okay with me getting rid of my given middle name and making my middle name my maiden last name.

 

[tlh]

Date: 1/28/2009 9:18:20 AM
Author:blissfulbride
How do I get out of it?

I hear it''s alot of work, and if i were too .Where would I even get started.

Thanks

Eh, it isn''t that bad. You go to the SS office first w/ your marriage license. Then 7 days later they mail you a new card. You take that with you to the DMV, change your license. Then it is a simple call or formal letter to your credit card companies etc. I too thought it was a big deal... but it really wasn''t.

But if you are attached to your name I understand your hesitation. It is ultimately your choice. I found it to be a really exciting time, and my husband went with me to all the places, and it was a lot of fun. I did it all over lunch breaks, and we had little dates. He really felt honored that I took his name. I took it as a symbol of our new life together... as man and wife, joined w/ unity of my last name. But I also know a man who took his wife''s last name (she was the last in the lineage, and the name would die out... so out of respect he changed for her.) So there really are.. no set rules.

 

[Elmorton]

It''s really not bad at all...the week''s worth of paperwork is about right, and that''s if you just tackled one thing a day, although some states (I think NY is one of them) are a lot harder. I was married in IL and it was a snap. I walked into the DMV, told them what name I wanted on my DL, and then I took my new DL to the social security office, and I got that in the mail a week or two later. Then I called up my credit cards and bank to get new ones. And that was basically it.

If the reason you don''t want to change is personal, then don''t change it. It''s your name. A friend of mine had a husband who was REALLY hurt that she didn''t change her name - it came down to a "What will my friends think?" kind of thing. My friend made a pretty good compromise with her partner - she said that she''d keep her name legally and professionally, but when it came to social situations she''d always be Mrs. Hislastname. It works for them.

 

[CellarDoor]

I don''t know if I am going to change my name. I never really put much thought into it, but now that the time is coming, I don''t see how I can change my name, it will just be too weird. Furthermore, I have found myself negatively judging my facebook friends who totally change their name on their facebook the night of their wedding to Their First Name His Last Name without even leaving a trace of their original name. I don''t want to hyphenate either, I may use my last name as my middle name, but there is no way that I am just getting rid of it.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 1/28/2009 10:01:54 AM
Author: Addy
You get out of it by saying no, it''s my name, my choice, and I''m keeping it.

Ditto. It''s a choice you should make, he shouldn''t mandate you to change it! If he wants you both to have the same last name and it''s so important to him make him change his!

 

[JSM]

I''m debating either keeping mine or hypenating. Hypenating just sounds like a PITA to be honest, and I really don''t want to get rid of mine. I could blame it on family history, or being published, or whatever... but the real reason is I just don''t wanna.

My fiance is a bit hurt, but he says whatever I want is fine with me as long as the kids take his name. Which is what I was planning on anyway! He''s very understanding about my trepidation, and I appreciate that he "gets me".

 

[musey]

Date: 1/28/2009 9:35:49 AM
Author: fieryred33143
Changing your name is like a week of paperwork.

I''m sorry... but really? Have you changed your name? No, it is NOT just a week of paperwork!

Depending on your state, it will mean quite a number of in-person visits, possible fear of identity theft should mailed-in documents be lost in the mail (going through this myself), and months - if not years - of "CRAP I never changed that!" and awkward in-between moments at the checkout line where you have to show your marriage certificate to prove that even though your name on your credit card says Mary MaidenName and your name on your driver''s license says Mary MarriedName you are in fact the same person...

No, not just a week of paperwork. Gimme a break!

 

[musey]

Date: 1/28/2009 12:53:38 PM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 1/28/2009 10:01:54 AM
Author: Addy
You get out of it by saying no, it''s my name, my choice, and I''m keeping it.

Ditto. It''s a choice you should make, he shouldn''t mandate you to change it! If he wants you both to have the same last name and it''s so important to him make him change his!

Thritto. You and your fiance are (presumably) grownups, so handle it as such: have a grownup conversation about the subject and make the decision that''s best for you.

 

[EricaR]

Musey - THAT is the exact type of situation I''m going to try to avoid. My FI and I talked about this at length. I''ve pretty much decided to drop my current middle name and use my maiden name instead. Hopefully if I get both put on my driver''s license it will avoid some of those "crap! don''t compare my atm card with my driver''s license" type moments...

 

[Cleopatra]

Changing my name was quite easy - although, I didn''t have a house or investments in my name at the time.

I went to the SS office with my marriage license, they mailed my new SS card within a week, went to DMV and got my new license, called credit card companies to get new cards, went to bank to change savings and checking accounts, called car insurance, sent in passport information, and employer took care of work benefits - all in all, the whole process took about 2 weeks from start to finish - i was never overwhelmed or felt that it was a pain - actually, I was excited to complete the transition to my husband''s name.

 

[musey]

Date: 1/28/2009 1:23:17 PM
Author: EricaR
Musey - THAT is the exact type of situation I'm going to try to avoid. My FI and I talked about this at length. I've pretty much decided to drop my current middle name and use my maiden name instead. Hopefully if I get both put on my driver's license it will avoid some of those 'crap! don't compare my atm card with my driver's license' type moments...

That's a great idea. The marriage certificate does get you through most (if not all) of those situations, but the biggest problem I've had is getting checks written out to my married name. My bank is where I've had the issue with mailed-in documents getting lost (they require it to be submitted by mail instead of in person - NO idea why - especially considering that it has my social security #, mother's maiden name, old name, new name, bank acct. #s

) and my name on the account is STILL not changed. So I can't deposit checks there... I have to sign over the check to my husband and have HIM deposit them UGH!!!


ETA: I should say though, that even though this name change process has NOT been the easiest or most fun... I am so glad to have changed it. My decision had nothing to do with my husband's opinion on the subject (which was, and I quote, "I would love for you to take my name, but only if you'd love to take it yourself"

), though.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 1/28/2009 1:15:01 PM
Author: musey

Date: 1/28/2009 9:35:49 AM
Author: fieryred33143
Changing your name is like a week of paperwork.

I'm sorry... but really? Have you changed your name? No, it is NOT just a week of paperwork!

Sorry that response got you so heated. I didn't think that making that statement would actually make anyone feel sensitve.

The main SS building and passport agency is here in Miami. For me, its a week. And if you do your research in time and have all of your paperwork in order, it can be a week provided you don't go during peak times.

And I still believe that if you can take a year and sometimes two to plan a wedding, then you can take the week (or as you pointed out the couple of weeks) to change your last name if that's what is really holding you back. She made it seem as though that was the only thing holding her back. Also, I probably should have added a disclaimer about any outside events such as crazy identity theft stories or investments you may have in like Peru or something or a credit card you opened up in the early 90s that you never remembered (which also if you don't remember them then they probably aren't that important to begin with. The important stuff you know what you need to change).

 

[musey]

Date: 1/28/2009 1:51:35 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 1/28/2009 1:15:01 PM
Author: musey

Date: 1/28/2009 9:35:49 AM
Author: fieryred33143
Changing your name is like a week of paperwork.

I'm sorry... but really? Have you changed your name? No, it is NOT just a week of paperwork!

Sorry that response got you so heated. I didn't think that making that statement would actually make anyone feel sensitve.

No, not heated or sensitive at all (not sure where you got that? I also can't imagine why someone would get sensitive over it, or why someone would imagine any response to seem sensitive), just strongly disagreeing. Disagreeing doesn't mean upset

Some states are much more difficult than others!

The main SS building and passport agency is here in Miami. For me, its a week. And if you do your research in time and have all of your paperwork in order, it can be a week provided you don't go during peak times.

For the record, I'm not including any time taken to fill out paperwork in my statement that it takes much longer than a week. The length of time it's taken me is purely a result of wait times for each step to be processed before the next could be taken care of (I had to have my social security card processed before I could go get my driver's license changes, needed the driver's license before I could get any credit cards/bank acct.s/health insurance/etc. changed, etc. etc.). It's a tricky process in some states (and with some financial institutions, in particular).

I never said that the actual work would take one more than a cumulative week, but I don't think anyone should expect to start the process on a Monday and have everything switched over and in their hands the following Sunday.

Please report back after you've changed your name and let us know if it was as fast as you thought it would be

I thought I had everything in line and that it wouldn't be complicated at all, but the timing alone of each individual thing can create plenty of unforseen complications.

 

[musey]

Date: 1/28/2009 1:51:35 PM
Author: fieryred33143
I probably should have added a disclaimer about any outside events such as crazy identity theft stories or investments you may have in like Peru or something or a credit card you opened up in the early 90s that you never remembered (which also if you don't remember them then they probably aren't that important to begin with. The important stuff you know what you need to change).

The stuff I'm talking about having been forgotten, for me anyway, has ended up being things like names on random utility bills (which we weren't permitted to pay with a credit card not matching the name on the account, that was fun), Costco cards, voter registration, etc. - things that are not major parts of daily life and easily forgotten, but can cause big inconveniences if you don't remember to change it before an issue comes up.

Again, I am not being heated or sensitive (if you're still reading me that way), I just don't want anyone to think that it's always a very smooth and simple process. They're not crazy stories - every adult I know that has changed their name has an "Ugh, lemme tell you what happened to ME" story. So while they're different for everyone, it's not exactly uncommon to have had such experiences with one's name change.

 

[jstarfireb]

I could go on and on about this topic. We''ve had the adult conversations about it, and we''re still at an impasse. I have many reasons for wanting to keep my own name...

1) I''m a doctor (we both will be once he graduates), and my degrees are all in my maiden name; furthermore, if we work at the same hospital, it will be confusing to have the same name. Almost every 2-doctor couple I know has 2 different names.
2) My name is my only real connection to my Eastern European heritage. I could keep it as a middle name, but my middle name is also important to me because it''s a family name.
3) I''m a staunch feminist and have always wondered why the woman has to be the one to change her name. I don''t like what it represents (basically that the woman is becoming her husband''s property, being transferred to her husband from her father).
4) I''m white and he''s Chinese-American. He has a very Asian sounding name, and I don''t want people to be confused and expect someone of a different race when they hear my name. If you''ve ever seen the "Donna Chang" bit from Seinfeld, you know what I mean.
5) It''s a bit superficial, but his name is a homophone of a body part, and I don''t want to marry into a name like that!

But at the same time as I adamantly refuse to let go of my own name, he adamantly refuses to marry me if I don''t take his name! We''re both equally stubborn on the issue, so I''ve decided to hyphenate. It will create something of a monstrosity (my name is 7 letters and his is 4), but at least I''m only adding 1 extra syllable, and it''s both practically and ideologically a lot more acceptable to me.

So that would be my advice...meet him in the middle by doing something like hyphenating, using your maiden name as a middle name, having 2 legal last names, etc.

 

[Kelli]

I''ve been back and forth on this as well. I don''t feel like I should change my name. I just don''t see the purpose. Am I becoming a different person because I''m getting married? No, most certainly not. Am I becoming his property? Again, definitely not.

On the other hand, have I done anything so extraordinary in my life that I just have to cling to my birth name? Not really. I actually LIKE his name better than my own, and I can''t decide how strongly I feel about the whole property thing. He doesn''t care at all. In fact, our real estate agent got us hand towels that have his last initial on them as a gift, and he said "how NON-progressive of her to assume you''re taking my name!" I do so love him for that. But if and when I have kids, I''d like to share their name, and I''m not sure I''m into the whole hyphenating thing. What if they grow up and marry someone else with hyphenated names, then what do they do about their kids'' names? Where does it all stop? Eventually a name is just a name right?

 

[sonnyjane]

I''m in the process right now of changing my name.

The Social Security was easy, you just take your old card, a photo ID, and your marriage certificate and they''ll send you a new card w/in two weeks.

For the DMV, in my state at least, you didn''t have to wait for the new SS card, you just have to bring proof of the marriage so they can change your name. Same goes for vehicle registration.

My bank I haven''t done yet, but I received checks to my married name and still cashed them with my bank (Bank of America) without any problems. I''m waiting because I am moving in a few days and wanted to knock out all the bank stuff (name change, address change) at once. Everything else, such as utilities, I actually set them up with my married name but explained that I just got married and they just checked against my maiden name and gave me the benefit of the doubt.

I knocked out my middle name and am now just going by First Maiden NewLast, since I am the only child in my family with my dad''s last name, so I didn''t want to lose it altogether, but I also did want to take my husband''s last name. I don''t think he would have really cared either way. It helps that he has a great last name...not sure I''d be so willing if it wasn''t

 

[elrohwen]

I think you need to talk to your FI and decide on something together. If you really have strong reasons for not wanting to change your name, he should listen to that and agree to compromise. However, if it''s more important to him than it is to you, I think there are compromises you can make so that he''ll feel more on board with the decision.

I''m taking FI''s name because, to me personally, a name is just a name. I''m not close with my family (except my parents) so I don''t feel like I''m carrying on anything. It''s a totally practical decision for me because I want to have the same last names as our kids. I also don''t want to be correcting everybody all the time about what my last name really is. It helps that I''m young and don''t have anything important to my name. I work at a reasonably small company and people will adapt quickly (I''ve seen them do it for other women changing their names reacently) and when I get a new job nobody will know any different.

I can''t comment on the difficulty of changing your name, but I think that even if it''s a pain in the butt for a few weeks, it''ll be something that sticks with your for the rest of your life. In the grand scheme of things you won''t remember the annoyance except to share it as a story with friends.

 

[lucyandroger]

For ladies who made your maiden name your middle name....Do people actually call you Firstname Maidenname Marriedname as if the names were hyphenated or do they just drop the maiden name? I''m just wondering if it''s just that you want the name to stay with you somehow or if it actually gets used on a daily basis? I hope that question makes sense.

I am also struggling with this issue and go back and forth about what to do...I''m an attorney and all my degrees/ professional contacts are with my maiden name...plus I like it. I like my SO''s name also but it is kind of generic (think Johnson, Williams). It''ll be really hard to go from a somewhat unique name to a really common name - his cousin and I would have the same exact name! I think I''m basically between hyphenating and using my maiden name as a middle name...

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 1/28/2009 3:08:43 PM
Author: lucyandroger
For ladies who made your maiden name your middle name....Do people actually call you Firstname Maidenname Marriedname as if the names were hyphenated or do they just drop the maiden name? I''m just wondering if it''s just that you want the name to stay with you somehow or if it actually gets used on a daily basis? I hope that question makes sense.

I am also struggling with this issue and go back and forth about what to do...I''m an attorney and all my degrees/ professional contacts are with my maiden name...plus I like it. I like my SO''s name also but it is kind of generic (think Johnson, Williams). It''ll be really hard to go from a somewhat unique name to a really common name - his cousin and I would have the same exact name! I think I''m basically between hyphenating and using my maiden name as a middle name...

Lucyandroger, you can always use your maiden name professionally and take his for social things. I know a woman at work who does this. I can''t even remember her married name, because she only uses her maiden at work, yet all of the people in her personal life use the married name. It sounds like it could be a potentially confusing situation, but it works very well for her and her husband.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 1/28/2009 1:15:01 PM
Author: musey

Date: 1/28/2009 9:35:49 AM
Author: fieryred33143
Changing your name is like a week of paperwork.

I''m sorry... but really? Have you changed your name? No, it is NOT just a week of paperwork!

Depending on your state, it will mean quite a number of in-person visits, possible fear of identity theft should mailed-in documents be lost in the mail (going through this myself), and months - if not years - of ''CRAP I never changed that!'' and awkward in-between moments at the checkout line where you have to show your marriage certificate to prove that even though your name on your credit card says Mary MaidenName and your name on your driver''s license says Mary MarriedName you are in fact the same person...

No, not just a week of paperwork. Gimme a break!

I''m terrible at threadjacking, but I promise it doesn''t seem so bad when you''re not in the thicke of it. I remember thinking it was such a pain in the dupah when I was in the middle of changing everything, but looking back now it wasn''t bad at all. I still have a few random things in my maiden name (a bill, my blockbuster card, etc.), but it''s not a big deal. I was talking with a friend who also went through the courts to legally add her maiden name as a second middle and we were laughing about how changing our name was the easiest thing to do logistically (besides cake tasting!), but the hardest emotionally.