I don''t want to change my last name, but he wants me too.

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 1/28/2009 3:08:43 PM
Author: lucyandroger
For ladies who made your maiden name your middle name....Do people actually call you Firstname Maidenname Marriedname as if the names were hyphenated or do they just drop the maiden name? I''m just wondering if it''s just that you want the name to stay with you somehow or if it actually gets used on a daily basis? I hope that question makes sense.

I am also struggling with this issue and go back and forth about what to do...I''m an attorney and all my degrees/ professional contacts are with my maiden name...plus I like it. I like my SO''s name also but it is kind of generic (think Johnson, Williams). It''ll be really hard to go from a somewhat unique name to a really common name - his cousin and I would have the same exact name! I think I''m basically between hyphenating and using my maiden name as a middle name...

Until I found my new job I used my maiden name. I was published in my maiden name and wanted to keep it in some capacity. My 401k, insurance and paychecks were in my married name, but in email and to clients I was still FirstName MaidenName.

I now have two middle names, but when I''m forced to drop one (which is 99% of the time), I drop my original middle and keep my maiden. So far it''s worked well.

 

[fieryred33143]

Musey-Ok! I just wanted to make sure I didn''t come across as rude and I thought you were upset because maybe I sounded rude. Sometimes I can write something and not realize its read differently by others so I was just making sure you didn''t feel offended.

 

[sonnyjane]

Date: 1/28/2009 3:08:43 PM
Author: lucyandroger
For ladies who made your maiden name your middle name....Do people actually call you Firstname Maidenname Marriedname as if the names were hyphenated or do they just drop the maiden name? I'm just wondering if it's just that you want the name to stay with you somehow or if it actually gets used on a daily basis? I hope that question makes sense.

I just go by First NewLast. The maiden as a middle is just so the name stays with me, but I don't use it as a hyphenated name.

 

[violet02]

I changed my name because my DH thought it would be good for our children to have the same last name. I dropped my original middle name because the guy at the SS office convinced me that 4 names was a potential pain. I kept my last name as my middle name which I''m thankful for since it makes it easier to prove who I am.

The real pain in the rear for me was a) getting copies of the marriage license (for some reason the office lost my request ugh). b) going from the SS office to the DMV to getting a new passport photo blah blah. That was all do-able though and I got my passport within 3 weeks!

The part I really have been unhappy about is all of the credit card, pharmacy, IRS, and anything else extraneous to the normal ID documents. I''ve had to send in certified letters wth copies of marriage liceneses and so on. It''s definitely a commitment to get it done. I STILL don''t have one of my credit cards send out to me yet even though I sent them the name change which they received. Oh the other pain? BILLS! Gas/Electric, Phone etc. All were in my name! My DH had it easy. Bah.

 

[blissfulbride]

wow this is one hell of at topic, but to be honest times have really change. hello we have a black president

so i dont see why women still have to cook and change there last names. thoughs days are over and my fiance and i will be having a talk.

I dont want to change it

1-i hate his family

2-the work

3-times have changed

ill do it when we have a baby lol

 

[palomablancabride]

Date: 1/28/2009 3:08:43 PM
Author: lucyandroger
For ladies who made your maiden name your middle name....Do people actually call you Firstname Maidenname Marriedname as if the names were hyphenated or do they just drop the maiden name? I''m just wondering if it''s just that you want the name to stay with you somehow or if it actually gets used on a daily basis? I hope that question makes sense.

I am also struggling with this issue and go back and forth about what to do...I''m an attorney and all my degrees/ professional contacts are with my maiden name...plus I like it. I like my SO''s name also but it is kind of generic (think Johnson, Williams). It''ll be really hard to go from a somewhat unique name to a really common name - his cousin and I would have the same exact name! I think I''m basically between hyphenating and using my maiden name as a middle name...

Right now on my work emails (I''m a teacher) I put FirstName Maiden/Middle Name HisLastName just because I don''t want there to be any confusion about who FirstName HisLastName is.

My maiden name is very unique as well, and hubby''s is on the generic side so I feel/have felt your "pain."

 

[violet02]

I have friends that aren''t changing their name and I don''t think it''s made that huge of a difference for them. Maybe consider it when you are going to have children as you said. Otherwise there''s no rush.

 

[sonnyjane]

Date: 1/28/2009 3:58:27 PM
Author: blissfulbride
wow this is one hell of at topic, but to be honest times have really change. hello we have a black president

so i dont see why women still have to cook and change there last names. thoughs days are over and my fiance and i will be having a talk.


I dont want to change it


1-i hate his family


2-the work


3-times have changed


ill do it when we have a baby lol

I don''t think that those of us that changed our names are waiting in the kitchen with an apron on, as your comment suggests. Times have changed, but in saying that, it also means that taking the name doesn''t have to mean anything more than just that, taking a name.

 

[Bia]

Well, we don''t HAVE to (good for you!) BUT, many women still WANT to.

I will, not because he has said I must (he did say that, but only joking...I think

), but because I want his last name to be my own. Whether or not I will hyphenate or whatever, will be determined at a later date.

 

[musey]

Date: 1/28/2009 4:03:16 PM
Author: sonnyjane

Date: 1/28/2009 3:58:27 PM
Author: blissfulbride
wow this is one hell of at topic, but to be honest times have really change. hello we have a black president

so i dont see why women still have to cook and change there last names. thoughs days are over and my fiance and i will be having a talk.

I dont want to change it

1-i hate his family

2-the work

3-times have changed

ill do it when we have a baby lol

I don''t think that those of us that changed our names are waiting in the kitchen with an apron on, as your comment suggests. Times have changed, but in saying that, it also means that taking the name doesn''t have to mean anything more than just that, taking a name.

+1. I don''t wait in anyone''s kitchen, but so what if I wanted to

"Times have changed" doesn''t have to mean that people who want to take on the more ''traditional'' wife role are backwards, it more often means that that''s simply what works for them and what they find truly fulfilling.

I changed my name because (1) I had an extremely common name, and with my married name I may well be the only Musey Lastname in the entire world (woohoo!), (2) It felt nice to have that particular sense of family connection with him, and (3) I dunno, it just plain sounded like fun.

Be careful insinuating that keeping your name is the "right" way to go - there''s absolutely no "correct" way to do this, it simply depends on one''s own feelings on the subject.


To your reasons, I assume you''re partly joking, because #1 is worrisome, #2 is not a reason to not do something you''d want to otherwise do (otherwise we''d all sit at home watching TV all day and never do anything of use with our lives), and #3 is not a reason to not change, it''s just a reason to do whatever you want. It sounds like you have one reason, really: you just plain don''t want to. And that''s fine. You don''t need the other excuses to justify it. Do what you want!

 

[MustangGal]

I took his last name, not becasue I felt like I had to, but because that was part of marriage for me. It''s a merge of two people into a "family", so I dropped my unique miss-spelled all the time name, and took his very generic name instead. It wasn''t that much work, but I was pretty young and didn''t have too much to change at that point. I think total time to have it all figured out was 3 months, just waiting for things to be mailed and filed and all.

Now 7 years later, I actually miss-spelled my maiden name when writting a letter to my dad

!

 

[Allison D.]

Date: 1/28/2009 1:15:01 PM
Author: musey

Date: 1/28/2009 9:35:49 AM
Author: fieryred33143
Changing your name is like a week of paperwork.

I'm sorry... but really? Have you changed your name? No, it is NOT just a week of paperwork!

Depending on your state, it will mean quite a number of in-person visits, possible fear of identity theft should mailed-in documents be lost in the mail (going through this myself), and months - if not years - of 'CRAP I never changed that!' and awkward in-between moments at the checkout line where you have to show your marriage certificate to prove that even though your name on your credit card says Mary MaidenName and your name on your driver's license says Mary MarriedName you are in fact the same person...

No, not just a week of paperwork. Gimme a break!

Musey, it sounds like your arduous troubles getting it done might be more of a local thing.

I live in MA (and I know NEL does, too), and it was ridiculously easy to change my name. The local city hall gave me a notarized copy of our marriage license. I too that to the Social Security office on a Thursday afternoon; I did not have to wait for the new card to arrive because they issued a form on the spot for me to take to my DMV. (Even then, the new SS card arrived in under two weeks).

I left SS office and went straight across the street to the DMV. Within 20 minutes, they issued me a new temporary drivers license and a revised car registration. My actual driver's license arrived in the mail the following Tuesday (less than 5 days).

I took the same certified marriage license along with my license and new registration to the local branch of my national bank that Saturday. They immediately changed my name on all the accounts, and they also linked mine/hubby's accounts together at the same time at our request.

I only spent another 30 minutes making a form letter to the credit card companies and attached a copy of our marriage license to each. New cards arrived promptly.

My experience was closer to what Fiery described - it was pretty painless and much simpler than I expected.

 

[musey]

Like I said, I'm sure it depends on where you live... but I've traded stories with family and friends who married in Washington, Wisconsin, Mexico (destination, changed the name back in Illinois), California, Hawaii and Florida. The only one who called the process "fast and easy" was the one who got married in Wisconsin.

Really all I wanted to communicate is that it is not always "fast and easy." I was told that it would be, and was extra peeved when it wasn't. I think it's better for people to have realistic expectations and be pleasantly surprised

All that is absolutely no reason to not change one's name. If you want to do it, you'll do it - and I don't wish I hadn't just because it was hairy!

 

[blissfulbride]

oh i didnt want to insult anyone who has and or wants to change there names. That come out wrong, and it is a personal choice .

Sorry!

Yeah I guess I just dont want too lol

 

[jstarfireb]

Date: 1/28/2009 4:45:33 PM
Author: blissfulbride
oh i didnt want to insult anyone who has and or wants to change there names. That come out wrong, and it is a personal choice .


Sorry!


Yeah I guess I just dont want too lol

And there''s nothing wrong with that. If you don''t want to change your name, you should have to. But I think there''s a lot to be said for respecting your future husband''s wishes as well, which is why I advocate meeting in the middle with some combination of your names.

I just wish he would take the hyphenated name too. If I have to hyphenate, so should he! Isn''t it odd how some men can be so non-progressive? That said, I do know two men who have done it my way (one hyphenated and the other made up a combination of both names).

 

[jen2M]

Has anyone thought about combining last names? That is an idea we have bounced around. We talked about both of us taking both names but my last name has 9 letters and his has 8 so it would be a bit long. We have talked about taking the first 4 letters from each of our last names and creating a new name. I think it would symbolize us coming together in a joint partnership while still allowing us to share the name with future children. I am just not sure how people would react to this.

 

[musey]

Date: 1/28/2009 6:26:29 PM
Author: jen2M
Has anyone thought about combining last names? That is an idea we have bounced around. We talked about both of us taking both names but my last name has 9 letters and his has 8 so it would be a bit long. We have talked about taking the first 4 letters from each of our last names and creating a new name. I think it would symbolize us coming together in a joint partnership while still allowing us to share the name with future children. I am just not sure how people would react to this.

This is something that''s growing in popularity. I love the idea when it works with the names involved.

I also love (and tried to talk my husband into) the idea of choosing a new or different family name together, primarily because in our case his (and now my) last name is not something he''s related to by blood. I thought it would be fun to pick one that one of us was related to, or something entirely new.

 

[Octavia]

Date: 1/28/2009 4:52:36 PM
Author: jstarfireb

And there''s nothing wrong with that. If you don''t want to change your name, you should have to. But I think there''s a lot to be said for respecting your future husband''s wishes as well, which is why I advocate meeting in the middle with some combination of your names.

I just wish he would take the hyphenated name too. If I have to hyphenate, so should he! Isn''t it odd how some men can be so non-progressive? That said, I do know two men who have done it my way (one hyphenated and the other made up a combination of both names).

This is the part that gets me. Why should a woman who wants to keep her name have to compromise and combine in the name of respecting her husband''s wishes, but he not have to change or combine as a way of respecting hers? The inequality just kills me. I personally don''t think tradition is a good enough reason for a woman to make compromises with a man who isn''t willing to do the same. My FI is a little hurt because I want to keep my name, but I would be more hurt if he tried to make me do it (and frankly, would probably reconsider whether I wanted to enter into a marriage contract with someone who cared so little about my wishes).

We''ve actually joked about combining our names, which I find an equitable arrangement. However, FI is in a profession where his name is important, and our names are so completely different we haven''t been able to come up with something that doesn''t sound horrendous. If we do, though, maybe we''ll both change and he can use his "bachelor name" professionally!

 

[swingirl]

I am glad my children have the same name as their parents.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

I didn''t read all the responses, so hopefully I don''t repeat too much...

But to echo everyone else: If you don''t want to change your last name, just don''t do it.

I''m making my maiden name a "second" middle name. Rachael Elizabeth Maidenname FIsName

 

[Octavia]

Date: 1/28/2009 8:39:39 PM
Author: swingirl
I am glad my children have the same name as their parents.

Our kids will too, they''ll just have my last name as their middle name, and FI''s last name as their last name. It''s all in how you look at it

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 1/28/2009 12:52:14 PM
Author: CellarDoor
I don''t know if I am going to change my name. I never really put much thought into it, but now that the time is coming, I don''t see how I can change my name, it will just be too weird. Furthermore, I have found myself negatively judging my facebook friends who totally change their name on their facebook the night of their wedding to Their First Name His Last Name without even leaving a trace of their original name. I don''t want to hyphenate either, I may use my last name as my middle name, but there is no way that I am just getting rid of it.

HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! This is one of my pet peeves! Glad I am not the only one. I hate thinking, who the heck is this person, and why are they showing up on my feed? Grrrr!

/end threadjack

 

[musey]

Date: 1/28/2009 8:52:58 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 1/28/2009 12:52:14 PM
Author: CellarDoor
I don't know if I am going to change my name. I never really put much thought into it, but now that the time is coming, I don't see how I can change my name, it will just be too weird. Furthermore, I have found myself negatively judging my facebook friends who totally change their name on their facebook the night of their wedding to Their First Name His Last Name without even leaving a trace of their original name. I don't want to hyphenate either, I may use my last name as my middle name, but there is no way that I am just getting rid of it.

HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! This is one of my pet peeves! Glad I am not the only one. I hate thinking, who the heck is this person, and why are they showing up on my feed? Grrrr!

/end threadjack

That's not very fair. People who change their name shouldn't be allowed to show their excitement by changing it on a social networking site right away? That sucks.

I changed mine the day of my wedding. I was sitting in the chair at the hair stylist waiting for my curls to set, and playing around on my iPhone. Took about 30 seconds to go and change my name, just because I was excited about it.

Why would people need to leave a trace of their original name? Maybe I'd feel differently if my maiden name had been more unique. Since it is extremely common, I felt little attachment to it as being an identifier for me. Besides, I'd been with my husband for so long at that point that nearly all of our friends had already been referring to me as Musey Marriedname for years.

I doubt many people have been confused as to who I was just because my name changed (and if they were, they probably don't know me well enough to be my "friend"

).

Besides, very, very little changed in my life when I got married. Having little things like a name change on facebook made it feel a bit more like a "new" married life!

 

[mayachel]

Count me among the women who feel like the name change game is ridiculously skewed towards the men. For the many who choose to hyphenate, I find it tends to be the women. It isn''t as common for the men to ALSO hyphenate. If the double name comes into effect, I think that both partners belong with the name. So often the reason is "we want the same last name". (I do!) but I don''t personally feel comfortable making that change of name all on my own.

For me, I would give up a strongly culturally identifiable surname in favor of one that is fairly non-descript, and those who might be able to identify it, would place it within both a culture and nationality that is not my own.

I love the idea of creating a new last name together...the name change is one way of publicly declaring the union, not the only way, but one way.

 

[mayachel]

It turns out you can find anything on wikipedia...Family name traditions from around the world

 

[Blair138]

I say do what you want to do, but marriage IS all about compromise, so if you are adamant about NOT changing it and he IS...do what was suggested and combine names or make up a whole new last name for you 2!

I am SUPER excited to change my name just because it means I will be FI''s wife, a MRS. and we will be our own family! I have considered taking my maiden name as my middle name, but I love my middle name, I will always be a *******(my maiden name), I don''t need a name to tell me that!

 

[bootsiekin]

My sister and I both got married recently and neither of us changed our names, for several reasons:

1. we like ours better, fits with our first names better
2. graduate degrees and publications
3. represents our Irish heritage
4. no men to carry on our name, unless my 40-something year old cousin finds a wife and has a son..
(DH has 3 brothers, one of which already has a son to carry on his name)
5. why should we have to change just because were women? I have already gotten lots of mail for Mrs. HisFirst
HisLast and any trace of my name is nowhere to be found..and that really bothered me.

We will probably hyphenate the kids names, and my thought is when they are old enough they can choose to keep both or drop one. I definitely agree with Octavia and would have second thoughts about marrying someone who would refuse to marry me if I wouldn''t take his name. DH was fine with it once I explained to him my reasoning. I''ve actually been trying to convince him to take mine, he has an Irish first name and a Polish last name so I told him his name would make much more sense with my last name.

 

[Rhea]

Date: 1/28/2009 9:38:11 PM
Author: musey

Date: 1/28/2009 8:52:58 PM

Author: trillionaire

Date: 1/28/2009 12:52:14 PM

Author: CellarDoor

I don''t know if I am going to change my name. I never really put much thought into it, but now that the time is coming, I don''t see how I can change my name, it will just be too weird. Furthermore, I have found myself negatively judging my facebook friends who totally change their name on their facebook the night of their wedding to Their First Name His Last Name without even leaving a trace of their original name. I don''t want to hyphenate either, I may use my last name as my middle name, but there is no way that I am just getting rid of it.

HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! This is one of my pet peeves! Glad I am not the only one. I hate thinking, who the heck is this person, and why are they showing up on my feed? Grrrr!

/end threadjack

That''s not very fair. People who change their name shouldn''t be allowed to show their excitement by changing it on a social networking site right away? That sucks.


I changed mine the day of my wedding. I was sitting in the chair at the hair stylist waiting for my curls to set, and playing around on my iPhone. Took about 30 seconds to go and change my name, just because I was excited about it.


Why would people need to leave a trace of their original name?

Leaving a trace of a previous last name makes you trackable. Someone on facebook friended me, we''ll call her Sharon Better. I don''t know a Sharon Better so I rejected the invite. Then I have a couple of friend message me asking why I turned down Sharon. Turns out she got married and changed her name. I couldn''t tell who it was from the photo and didn''t want random people friending me. If she wants people, who knew her before she got married, to know who she is she needs to leave a trace or hint for us. It''s not necessary, but it makes life easier if you''re trying to get back in touch with people who know you by your birth name.

 

[princesss]

Date: 1/29/2009 6:22:53 AM
Author: Addy

Date: 1/28/2009 9:38:11 PM
Author: musey

Date: 1/28/2009 8:52:58 PM

Author: trillionaire

Date: 1/28/2009 12:52:14 PM

Author: CellarDoor

I don''t know if I am going to change my name. I never really put much thought into it, but now that the time is coming, I don''t see how I can change my name, it will just be too weird. Furthermore, I have found myself negatively judging my facebook friends who totally change their name on their facebook the night of their wedding to Their First Name His Last Name without even leaving a trace of their original name. I don''t want to hyphenate either, I may use my last name as my middle name, but there is no way that I am just getting rid of it.

HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! This is one of my pet peeves! Glad I am not the only one. I hate thinking, who the heck is this person, and why are they showing up on my feed? Grrrr!

/end threadjack

That''s not very fair. People who change their name shouldn''t be allowed to show their excitement by changing it on a social networking site right away? That sucks.


I changed mine the day of my wedding. I was sitting in the chair at the hair stylist waiting for my curls to set, and playing around on my iPhone. Took about 30 seconds to go and change my name, just because I was excited about it.


Why would people need to leave a trace of their original name?

Leaving a trace of a previous last name makes you trackable. Someone on facebook friended me, we''ll call her Sharon Better. I don''t know a Sharon Better so I rejected the invite. Then I have a couple of friend message me asking why I turned down Sharon. Turns out she got married and changed her name. I couldn''t tell who it was from the photo and didn''t want random people friending me. If she wants people, who knew her before she got married, to know who she is she needs to leave a trace or hint for us. It''s not necessary, but it makes life easier if you''re trying to get back in touch with people who know you by your birth name.

Just out of curiousity, why do we have to be "trackable"? If I got married and became "princesss johnson" instead of "princesss smith", and I really wanted to friend somebody on a social networking site, it seems like I could send a message saying, "Hey, remember me, I was ''princesss smith'' in HS!"

OP: If you don''t want to change it, don''t. My BF''s mom has a different last name than her husband and kids, and nobody pays it any mind. That''s just how their family is. It doesn''t matter if you have the same last name unless that''s what you really want. It doesn''t make you less of a family.

 

[Clairitek]

OP: I hope that your FI will come around and better understand your reasons eventually. Hopefully if you explain your feelings on this calmly he will not put so much pressure on you. I wish you luck with this.
_________________________________


The inequality thing bugs me so much. My FI totally balked at the idea of him hyphenating as well. When I told him about this thread last night the look in this face told me that he felt I was being a little ridiculous after I told him what I had written in response to the OP.

I think I've mentioned this before on PS but within five minutes of becoming engaged FI's mother asked me if I was going to change my name.

My parents were stunned. They both thought I handled it nicely by saying "Well, I haven't really thought about it. I might hyphenate. I might keep mine. I'm not really sure yet." Which wasn't the truth at all but it satisfied her without offending anyone. She seemed happy with my response.

Both she and my mother have admitted to me that they sort of regret taking their husband's name. For one, my mother didn't get along with/wasn't accepted by my father's parents at first. Not sure why but it took many years before my grand dad warmed up to her. She's never really felt like part of my father's family. Oddly, my father has, at times, felt closer to my mother's parents than his own. I think there was a point in time they thought about hyphenating. My mother STILL talks about taking her maiden name back after 32 years of marriage and my father is totally fine with it. He can relate to being emotionally connected to your family name.

Really one of the only motivations I have at this very moment to outright take my FI's name is that my last name is hard to spell (even when I enunciate every single letter people STILL get it wrong) and it doesn't sound like it looks (though I don't care if people mispronounce it). FI's name is simple, certainly more common, and easy to spell. It also meshes well with my first name because my name is commonly used in the UK and his is an Irish last name. This reason doesn't come close to outweighing the emotional connection I have to my parents and my family name.

So after all this rambling I still stand with my position that I think the "tradition" of women having to take their husband's name is unfair but I will never judge someone for doing so because its such a personal choice.