I don''t want to change my last name, but he wants me too.

[Rhea]

Date: 1/29/2009 9:34:02 AM
Author: princesss

Date: 1/29/2009 6:22:53 AM

Author: Addy

Date: 1/28/2009 9:38:11 PM

Author: musey

Date: 1/28/2009 8:52:58 PM


Author: trillionaire

Date: 1/28/2009 12:52:14 PM


Author: CellarDoor


I don't know if I am going to change my name. I never really put much thought into it, but now that the time is coming, I don't see how I can change my name, it will just be too weird. Furthermore, I have found myself negatively judging my facebook friends who totally change their name on their facebook the night of their wedding to Their First Name His Last Name without even leaving a trace of their original name. I don't want to hyphenate either, I may use my last name as my middle name, but there is no way that I am just getting rid of it.

HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! This is one of my pet peeves! Glad I am not the only one. I hate thinking, who the heck is this person, and why are they showing up on my feed? Grrrr!

/end threadjack

That's not very fair. People who change their name shouldn't be allowed to show their excitement by changing it on a social networking site right away? That sucks.



I changed mine the day of my wedding. I was sitting in the chair at the hair stylist waiting for my curls to set, and playing around on my iPhone. Took about 30 seconds to go and change my name, just because I was excited about it.



Why would people need to leave a trace of their original name?

Leaving a trace of a previous last name makes you trackable. Someone on facebook friended me, we'll call her Sharon Better. I don't know a Sharon Better so I rejected the invite. Then I have a couple of friend message me asking why I turned down Sharon. Turns out she got married and changed her name. I couldn't tell who it was from the photo and didn't want random people friending me. If she wants people, who knew her before she got married, to know who she is she needs to leave a trace or hint for us. It's not necessary, but it makes life easier if you're trying to get back in touch with people who know you by your birth name.

Just out of curiousity, why do we have to be 'trackable'? If I got married and became 'princesss johnson' instead of 'princesss smith', and I really wanted to friend somebody on a social networking site, it seems like I could send a message saying, 'Hey, remember me, I was 'princesss smith' in HS!'

Trackable was not the best word to use, just using a recent example in response to Musey's question. It would have been easier if Sharon had introduced herself. I don't mind not being able to track down people who changed their names, but if they want to get in touch with me and me to know who they are then they should tell me what name I might have known them by. If Sharon, or whoever else, wants to be found by people who knew her by her birth name then it's much easier if she would leave a trace of her original name. I'm not saying that she has to or needs to, just without that hint, some of us have no clue who anybody is.

ETA: this entire thing isn't in response to name changes in general, but in response to what is quoted above, "who the heck is this person".

 

[Octavia]

Date: 1/29/2009 10:07:54 AM
Author: Clairitek
OP: I hope that your FI will come around and better understand your reasons eventually. Hopefully if you explain your feelings on this calmly he will not put so much pressure on you. I wish you luck with this.
_________________________________


The inequality thing bugs me so much. My FI totally balked at the idea of him hyphenating as well. When I told him about this thread last night the look in this face told me that he felt I was being a little ridiculous after I told him what I had written in response to the OP.

I think I've mentioned this before on PS but within five minutes of becoming engaged FI's mother asked me if I was going to change my name.

My parents were stunned. They both thought I handled it nicely by saying 'Well, I haven't really thought about it. I might hyphenate. I might keep mine. I'm not really sure yet.' Which wasn't the truth at all but it satisfied her without offending anyone. She seemed happy with my response.

Both she and my mother have admitted to me that they sort of regret taking their husband's name. For one, my mother didn't get along with/wasn't accepted by my father's parents at first. Not sure why but it took many years before my grand dad warmed up to her. She's never really felt like part of my father's family. Oddly, my father has, at times, felt closer to my mother's parents than his own. I think there was a point in time they thought about hyphenating. My mother STILL talks about taking her maiden name back after 32 years of marriage and my father is totally fine with it. He can relate to being emotionally connected to your family name.

Really one of the only motivations I have at this very moment to outright take my FI's name is that my last name is hard to spell (even when I enunciate every single letter people STILL get it wrong) and it doesn't sound like it looks (though I don't care if people mispronounce it). FI's name is simple, certainly more common, and easy to spell. It also meshes well with my first name because my name is commonly used in the UK and his is an Irish last name. This reason doesn't come close to outweighing the emotional connection I have to my parents and my family name.

So after all this rambling I still stand with my position that I think the 'tradition' of women having to take their husband's name is unfair but I will never judge someone for doing so because its such a personal choice.

At our engagement party in my FI's home country, his grandmother referred to me as "a new FI'slastname."

I know she meant it in absolutely the best way possible, as a warm welcome into the family, but it seriously took me aback. Of course, women are required by law to take their husband's names in his country, so I'm sure she didn't even consider the fact that I might not. And this is my compromise -- I will be known as Octavia FI'slastname when we visit his country, since otherwise I'll have to explain the whole laws-and-cultural-attitudes-being-different thing over and over (when I can't even speak the language yet...). At home, and legally, I will be known by the name I have always been known by.

Clairitek, a friend of mine got married this summer and when we were doing bridal-party stuff, her mom admitted to us that she, like your mom, would love to have her maiden name back despite 30 years of using her husband's name. She said that when they married, she proposed using his name for 20 years, then both changing to her name for the next 20 years, etc. and her husband completely shut her down and said he would never change his name. My own mom, on the other hand, couldn't wait to change hers because her parents were kind of sadistic (unintentionally...I think they just didn't think about it when they named her) and gave her one of those "Bart Simpson" names...think Anita Bath or Emma Royd.

I also think that people should do what works for them and makes them happy. But it does get under my skin when I see women who don't want to change their names (for whatever reason) and they're told that it's no big deal, they should compromise, etc. without advocating equivalent compromise on the groom's part. It's only compromise if both parties give something up. Obviously, this doesn't apply to couples who are already in agreement about who will and won't change names, because they're usually not the ones struggling with the issue!

 

[swingirl]

Date: 1/28/2009 8:42:52 PM
Author: PilsnPinkysMom
I didn't read all the responses, so hopefully I don't repeat too much...

But to echo everyone else: If you don't want to change your last name, just don't do it.

I'm making my maiden name a 'second' middle name. Rachael Elizabeth Maidenname FIsName

That's a nice idea. Although you don't want to use the security question, "Mother's Maiden Name?"

 

[AllieGator]

I''m not changing my name either. What my boyfriend told me was that he while he would prefer that I changed my name, he''s fine with me keeping mine as long as the children have his last name. This was my plan anyway, since our names don''t hyphenate well.

All I had to do was tell him my reasons. Mine were:

1) I love my last name. I am the only person in the US that has my combination of last name (well, there are only 30-50 of us in the US) and first name.
2) I''m going to get a PhD, and no one in my family has one. I''d like to be the first Dr. K------ in my family.
3) My boyfriend has a VERY jewish last name, and I am not jewish. Not that I''m anti-semitic, but his last name is not who I am.

If you tell him your reasons, he should at least be okay with it if he''s not thrilled. That''s all it took for me. Good luck!

 

[CellarDoor]

Date: 1/28/2009 9:38:11 PM
Author: musey

Date: 1/28/2009 8:52:58 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 1/28/2009 12:52:14 PM
Author: CellarDoor
I don''t know if I am going to change my name. I never really put much thought into it, but now that the time is coming, I don''t see how I can change my name, it will just be too weird. Furthermore, I have found myself negatively judging my facebook friends who totally change their name on their facebook the night of their wedding to Their First Name His Last Name without even leaving a trace of their original name. I don''t want to hyphenate either, I may use my last name as my middle name, but there is no way that I am just getting rid of it.

HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! This is one of my pet peeves! Glad I am not the only one. I hate thinking, who the heck is this person, and why are they showing up on my feed? Grrrr!

/end threadjack

That''s not very fair. People who change their name shouldn''t be allowed to show their excitement by changing it on a social networking site right away? That sucks.

I changed mine the day of my wedding. I was sitting in the chair at the hair stylist waiting for my curls to set, and playing around on my iPhone. Took about 30 seconds to go and change my name, just because I was excited about it.

Why would people need to leave a trace of their original name? Maybe I''d feel differently if my maiden name had been more unique. Since it is extremely common, I felt little attachment to it as being an identifier for me. Besides, I''d been with my husband for so long at that point that nearly all of our friends had already been referring to me as Musey Marriedname for years.

I doubt many people have been confused as to who I was just because my name changed (and if they were, they probably don''t know me well enough to be my ''friend''

).

Besides, very, very little changed in my life when I got married. Having little things like a name change on facebook made it feel a bit more like a ''new'' married life!

I don''t understand why you would change your name a. before you even really were married and b. before the name change had actually even legally happened.

When people change their names immediately on their facebook, I wonder why they don''t just change their status to "hEY LOOKEE I GOT ME A MAN. I definitely have a lot more respect for women who at least maintain their maiden name as a middle name. Sorry, but that''s just the way that I feel.

 

[princesss]

Date: 1/29/2009 1:48:56 PM
Author: CellarDoor

Date: 1/28/2009 9:38:11 PM
Author: musey

Date: 1/28/2009 8:52:58 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 1/28/2009 12:52:14 PM
Author: CellarDoor
I don''t know if I am going to change my name. I never really put much thought into it, but now that the time is coming, I don''t see how I can change my name, it will just be too weird. Furthermore, I have found myself negatively judging my facebook friends who totally change their name on their facebook the night of their wedding to Their First Name His Last Name without even leaving a trace of their original name. I don''t want to hyphenate either, I may use my last name as my middle name, but there is no way that I am just getting rid of it.

HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! This is one of my pet peeves! Glad I am not the only one. I hate thinking, who the heck is this person, and why are they showing up on my feed? Grrrr!

/end threadjack

That''s not very fair. People who change their name shouldn''t be allowed to show their excitement by changing it on a social networking site right away? That sucks.

I changed mine the day of my wedding. I was sitting in the chair at the hair stylist waiting for my curls to set, and playing around on my iPhone. Took about 30 seconds to go and change my name, just because I was excited about it.

Why would people need to leave a trace of their original name? Maybe I''d feel differently if my maiden name had been more unique. Since it is extremely common, I felt little attachment to it as being an identifier for me. Besides, I''d been with my husband for so long at that point that nearly all of our friends had already been referring to me as Musey Marriedname for years.

I doubt many people have been confused as to who I was just because my name changed (and if they were, they probably don''t know me well enough to be my ''friend''

).

Besides, very, very little changed in my life when I got married. Having little things like a name change on facebook made it feel a bit more like a ''new'' married life!

I don''t understand why you would change your name a. before you even really were married and b. before the name change had actually even legally happened.

When people change their names immediately on their facebook, I wonder why they don''t just change their status to ''hEY LOOKEE I GOT ME A MAN. I definitely have a lot more respect for women who at least maintain their maiden name as a middle name. Sorry, but that''s just the way that I feel.

I really don''t understand why you don''t respect somebody choosing what they do with their own name, just because it''s not what you would do.

Personally, I plan on changing my name and dropping the name I have now. I don''t want to replace my middle name, because that name is a name my parents chose specifically for me, not one I just happened to be born into. My last name is very uncommon, and is misspelled and mispronounced all the time. I don''t want to have it be a second middle name, because it would be too much of a mouthful, and doesn''t accurately represent the person I am/will be. I will still be a part of my family no matter what my last name, so I don''t see what''s wrong with changing it.

I see changing names on sites like that as a sign that the person is really excited to be married. My friends all changed their names on that site the day they got married, with no sign of their maiden name on there. It made me smile to see it, because how excited about something do you have to be to take time out from your wedding day to change a silly website?

I just really don''t understand what''s not respectable about that.

 

[musey]

Date: 1/29/2009 1:48:56 PM
Author: CellarDoor

Date: 1/28/2009 9:38:11 PM
Author: musey

Date: 1/28/2009 8:52:58 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 1/28/2009 12:52:14 PM
Author: CellarDoor
I don''t know if I am going to change my name. I never really put much thought into it, but now that the time is coming, I don''t see how I can change my name, it will just be too weird. Furthermore, I have found myself negatively judging my facebook friends who totally change their name on their facebook the night of their wedding to Their First Name His Last Name without even leaving a trace of their original name. I don''t want to hyphenate either, I may use my last name as my middle name, but there is no way that I am just getting rid of it.

HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! This is one of my pet peeves! Glad I am not the only one. I hate thinking, who the heck is this person, and why are they showing up on my feed? Grrrr!

/end threadjack

That''s not very fair. People who change their name shouldn''t be allowed to show their excitement by changing it on a social networking site right away? That sucks.

I changed mine the day of my wedding. I was sitting in the chair at the hair stylist waiting for my curls to set, and playing around on my iPhone. Took about 30 seconds to go and change my name, just because I was excited about it.

Why would people need to leave a trace of their original name? Maybe I''d feel differently if my maiden name had been more unique. Since it is extremely common, I felt little attachment to it as being an identifier for me. Besides, I''d been with my husband for so long at that point that nearly all of our friends had already been referring to me as Musey Marriedname for years.

I doubt many people have been confused as to who I was just because my name changed (and if they were, they probably don''t know me well enough to be my ''friend''

).

Besides, very, very little changed in my life when I got married. Having little things like a name change on facebook made it feel a bit more like a ''new'' married life!

I don''t understand why you would change your name a. before you even really were married and b. before the name change had actually even legally happened.

When people change their names immediately on their facebook, I wonder why they don''t just change their status to ''hEY LOOKEE I GOT ME A MAN. I definitely have a lot more respect for women who at least maintain their maiden name as a middle name. Sorry, but that''s just the way that I feel.

Wow. That was incredibly rude.

To your questions:
A) Because it''s facebook, and who on earth CARES whether I was legally married at the time? I have friends who''ve changed their names to Mr. Snappypants Featherbottom on facebook for no reason at all, so what could be wrong with me changing my name on facebook on the day of my wedding?

B) See my answer to A. Because it''s facebook, and it doesn''t matter, and I just plain felt like it. It was fun. I wasn''t trying to brag (re: your "status" suggestion), as I don''t think that getting married or even being in a relationship is a thing to brag about (what a strange insinuation), it was just a fun thing for me to see on my own page. And it sure had a lot more meaning than Mr. Snappypants Featherbottom.


It''s very disappointing to hear someone spout a "lack of respect" for someone over something so mundane as a name change.

 

[chrono]

I don't want to start any fires but here's the quote:

QUOTE
Personally, I plan on changing my name and dropping the name I have now. I don't want to replace my middle name, because that name is a name my parents chose specifically for me, not one I just happened to be born into. My last name is very uncommon, and is misspelled and mispronounced all the time. I don't want to have it be a second middle name, because it would be too much of a mouthful, and doesn't accurately represent the person I am/will be. I will still be a part of my family no matter what my last name, so I don't see what's wrong with changing it.
END QUOTE

If you will still be part of your family no matter what's your last name, then why even change your maiden name to your spouse's?
Why not have your spouse change his name to yours?
Or to be fair, both change to the same new last name?
How come the man never hyphante his name?
This traditional is so skewered toward the male species.

My questions are open to all, not just to Princess.

 

[princesss]

Date: 1/29/2009 2:29:25 PM
Author: Chrono
I don''t want to start any fires but here''s the quote:

QUOTE
Personally, I plan on changing my name and dropping the name I have now. I don''t want to replace my middle name, because that name is a name my parents chose specifically for me, not one I just happened to be born into. My last name is very uncommon, and is misspelled and mispronounced all the time. I don''t want to have it be a second middle name, because it would be too much of a mouthful, and doesn''t accurately represent the person I am/will be. I will still be a part of my family no matter what my last name, so I don''t see what''s wrong with changing it.
END QUOTE

If you will still be part of your family no matter what''s your last name, then why even change your maiden name to your spouse''s?
Why not have your spouse change his name to yours?
Or to be fair, both change to the same new last name?
How come the man never hyphante his name?
This traditional is so skewered toward the male species.

My questions are open to all, not just to Princess.

Because I like his better. Simple as that.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 1/29/2009 1:48:56 PM
Author: CellarDoor

I don''t understand why you would change your name a. before you even really were married and b. before the name change had actually even legally happened.

When people change their names immediately on their facebook, I wonder why they don''t just change their status to ''hEY LOOKEE I GOT ME A MAN. I definitely have a lot more respect for women who at least maintain their maiden name as a middle name. Sorry, but that''s just the way that I feel.

And I have a lot more respect for women that make a choice based on what''s best for them and their situation and don''t pass judgment on others for choosing something they don''t agree with.

 

[Cleopatra]

Date: 1/29/2009 1:48:56 PM
Author: CellarDoor

I don''t understand why you would change your name a. before you even really were married and b. before the name change had actually even legally happened.


When people change their names immediately on their facebook, I wonder why they don''t just change their status to ''hEY LOOKEE I GOT ME A MAN. I definitely have a lot more respect for women who at least maintain their maiden name as a middle name. Sorry, but that''s just the way that I feel.

I changed my name on Facebook to my new married name the day after our wedding - the name change wasn''t legal yet, but still, I was excited to go off on my honeymoon as a newlywed. My maiden name is currently my middle name, and I never use it in my personal nor professional life anymore - I am and will always be Cleopatra DH''s Last Name. So, if I don''t want to leave my maiden name on my Facebook account, why would it matter? It''s like putting "First Middle Last" - and I didn''t do that before I was married, so why would I do that now?

 

[CellarDoor]

Date: 1/29/2009 2:10:26 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 1/29/2009 1:48:56 PM
Author: CellarDoor

Date: 1/28/2009 9:38:11 PM
Author: musey

Date: 1/28/2009 8:52:58 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 1/28/2009 12:52:14 PM
Author: CellarDoor
I don''t know if I am going to change my name. I never really put much thought into it, but now that the time is coming, I don''t see how I can change my name, it will just be too weird. Furthermore, I have found myself negatively judging my facebook friends who totally change their name on their facebook the night of their wedding to Their First Name His Last Name without even leaving a trace of their original name. I don''t want to hyphenate either, I may use my last name as my middle name, but there is no way that I am just getting rid of it.

HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! This is one of my pet peeves! Glad I am not the only one. I hate thinking, who the heck is this person, and why are they showing up on my feed? Grrrr!

/end threadjack

That''s not very fair. People who change their name shouldn''t be allowed to show their excitement by changing it on a social networking site right away? That sucks.

I changed mine the day of my wedding. I was sitting in the chair at the hair stylist waiting for my curls to set, and playing around on my iPhone. Took about 30 seconds to go and change my name, just because I was excited about it.

Why would people need to leave a trace of their original name? Maybe I''d feel differently if my maiden name had been more unique. Since it is extremely common, I felt little attachment to it as being an identifier for me. Besides, I''d been with my husband for so long at that point that nearly all of our friends had already been referring to me as Musey Marriedname for years.

I doubt many people have been confused as to who I was just because my name changed (and if they were, they probably don''t know me well enough to be my ''friend''

).

Besides, very, very little changed in my life when I got married. Having little things like a name change on facebook made it feel a bit more like a ''new'' married life!

I don''t understand why you would change your name a. before you even really were married and b. before the name change had actually even legally happened.

When people change their names immediately on their facebook, I wonder why they don''t just change their status to ''hEY LOOKEE I GOT ME A MAN. I definitely have a lot more respect for women who at least maintain their maiden name as a middle name. Sorry, but that''s just the way that I feel.

I really don''t understand why you don''t respect somebody choosing what they do with their own name, just because it''s not what you would do.

Personally, I plan on changing my name and dropping the name I have now. I don''t want to replace my middle name, because that name is a name my parents chose specifically for me, not one I just happened to be born into. My last name is very uncommon, and is misspelled and mispronounced all the time. I don''t want to have it be a second middle name, because it would be too much of a mouthful, and doesn''t accurately represent the person I am/will be. I will still be a part of my family no matter what my last name, so I don''t see what''s wrong with changing it.

I see changing names on sites like that as a sign that the person is really excited to be married. My friends all changed their names on that site the day they got married, with no sign of their maiden name on there. It made me smile to see it, because how excited about something do you have to be to take time out from your wedding day to change a silly website?

I just really don''t understand what''s not respectable about that.

I''m sorry, but it makes me sad to see women totally drop their last name. You say that your last name is uncommon and it doesn''t represent you. I don''t see how that can even be true. It is your name, it represents your family and your heritage. I don''t understand why many women seem to identify themselves strictly by their relationships to other people, and I see the name change issue as being an example of this. I also lose a lot of respect for women who completely devote themselves to child rearing, and give up any previous jobs, friends, or hobbies that they used to have. You must be aware that when you do things like that, that people are going to judge you for it.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 1/29/2009 2:29:25 PM
Author: Chrono
I don''t want to start any fires but here''s the quote:

QUOTE
Personally, I plan on changing my name and dropping the name I have now. I don''t want to replace my middle name, because that name is a name my parents chose specifically for me, not one I just happened to be born into. My last name is very uncommon, and is misspelled and mispronounced all the time. I don''t want to have it be a second middle name, because it would be too much of a mouthful, and doesn''t accurately represent the person I am/will be. I will still be a part of my family no matter what my last name, so I don''t see what''s wrong with changing it.
END QUOTE

If you will still be part of your family no matter what''s your last name, then why even change your maiden name to your spouse''s?
Why not have your spouse change his name to yours?
Or to be fair, both change to the same new last name?
How come the man never hyphante his name?
This traditional is so skewered toward the male species.

My questions are open to all, not just to Princess.

It''s definitely a matter of opinion. When I see that a woman either hyphens her name or doesn''t change her last name, I don''t think twice about it (except how annoying it is to find that person on Outlook).

But when I hear a woman protest against the tradition so much it makes me think why take such a feminist approach? We don''t all have to be man-haters. Just because a man wants his wife to carry his name, that doesn''t mean he expects her to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. Juts because a woman wants to carry her husband''s name that doesn''t mean that the female movement is going backwards.

I would like to hypen my name because I think it sounds better. His last name and my last name together sounds fabulous.

 

[princesss]

Date: 1/29/2009 2:39:25 PM
Author: CellarDoor

Date: 1/29/2009 2:10:26 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 1/29/2009 1:48:56 PM
Author: CellarDoor

Date: 1/28/2009 9:38:11 PM
Author: musey

Date: 1/28/2009 8:52:58 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 1/28/2009 12:52:14 PM
Author: CellarDoor
I don't know if I am going to change my name. I never really put much thought into it, but now that the time is coming, I don't see how I can change my name, it will just be too weird. Furthermore, I have found myself negatively judging my facebook friends who totally change their name on their facebook the night of their wedding to Their First Name His Last Name without even leaving a trace of their original name. I don't want to hyphenate either, I may use my last name as my middle name, but there is no way that I am just getting rid of it.

HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! This is one of my pet peeves! Glad I am not the only one. I hate thinking, who the heck is this person, and why are they showing up on my feed? Grrrr!

/end threadjack

That's not very fair. People who change their name shouldn't be allowed to show their excitement by changing it on a social networking site right away? That sucks.

I changed mine the day of my wedding. I was sitting in the chair at the hair stylist waiting for my curls to set, and playing around on my iPhone. Took about 30 seconds to go and change my name, just because I was excited about it.

Why would people need to leave a trace of their original name? Maybe I'd feel differently if my maiden name had been more unique. Since it is extremely common, I felt little attachment to it as being an identifier for me. Besides, I'd been with my husband for so long at that point that nearly all of our friends had already been referring to me as Musey Marriedname for years.

I doubt many people have been confused as to who I was just because my name changed (and if they were, they probably don't know me well enough to be my 'friend'

).

Besides, very, very little changed in my life when I got married. Having little things like a name change on facebook made it feel a bit more like a 'new' married life!

I don't understand why you would change your name a. before you even really were married and b. before the name change had actually even legally happened.

When people change their names immediately on their facebook, I wonder why they don't just change their status to 'hEY LOOKEE I GOT ME A MAN. I definitely have a lot more respect for women who at least maintain their maiden name as a middle name. Sorry, but that's just the way that I feel.

I really don't understand why you don't respect somebody choosing what they do with their own name, just because it's not what you would do.

Personally, I plan on changing my name and dropping the name I have now. I don't want to replace my middle name, because that name is a name my parents chose specifically for me, not one I just happened to be born into. My last name is very uncommon, and is misspelled and mispronounced all the time. I don't want to have it be a second middle name, because it would be too much of a mouthful, and doesn't accurately represent the person I am/will be. I will still be a part of my family no matter what my last name, so I don't see what's wrong with changing it.

I see changing names on sites like that as a sign that the person is really excited to be married. My friends all changed their names on that site the day they got married, with no sign of their maiden name on there. It made me smile to see it, because how excited about something do you have to be to take time out from your wedding day to change a silly website?

I just really don't understand what's not respectable about that.

I'm sorry, but it makes me sad to see women totally drop their last name. You say that your last name is uncommon and it doesn't represent you. I don't see how that can even be true. It is your name, it represents your family and your heritage. I don't understand why many women seem to identify themselves strictly by their relationships to other people, and I see the name change issue as being an example of this. I also lose a lot of respect for women who completely devote themselves to child rearing, and give up any previous jobs, friends, or hobbies that they used to have. You must be aware that when you do things like that, that people are going to judge you for it.

Keeping my name would just be identifying myself with my father and mother, instead of my future husband. It still defines me in relation to other people. No person exists in a void, so why not show the world the person I *chose* to tie my life to? That way each part of my name is a choice. Two names my parents chose for me as an individual and a name I choose to represent the path in life I choose to take and the person I choose to have at my side.

The feminist movement is about choice. I respect equally women who feel their place is in the home or the boardroom (or anywhere else, for that matter). It makes me sad when other women feel that either of these choices isn't "valid" or "respectable."

 

[chrono]

Thank you for the 2 replies so far. I thank you both for your mild mannered response. This topic can get out of hand very quickly and it isn't my intention to start any flame wars.

I am no man hater - after all, I am happily married for over 15 years. It saddens me that men still feel upset when a woman wants to keep her own last name. If he is open minded enough to have a career wife, why not be open minded with her choice of keeping the name she has lived with all her life? I am attached to my name and I'm sure many men are, so why do some men just don't get it?

If a woman chooses to change her name, that's fine with me but I'm bothered by those men who don't "allow" it and get upset over it. I'd rather all these name changing nonsense stop but it's not going to happen anytime soon.

 

[CellarDoor]

Date: 1/29/2009 2:39:27 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 1/29/2009 2:29:25 PM
Author: Chrono
I don''t want to start any fires but here''s the quote:

QUOTE
Personally, I plan on changing my name and dropping the name I have now. I don''t want to replace my middle name, because that name is a name my parents chose specifically for me, not one I just happened to be born into. My last name is very uncommon, and is misspelled and mispronounced all the time. I don''t want to have it be a second middle name, because it would be too much of a mouthful, and doesn''t accurately represent the person I am/will be. I will still be a part of my family no matter what my last name, so I don''t see what''s wrong with changing it.
END QUOTE

If you will still be part of your family no matter what''s your last name, then why even change your maiden name to your spouse''s?
Why not have your spouse change his name to yours?
Or to be fair, both change to the same new last name?
How come the man never hyphante his name?
This traditional is so skewered toward the male species.

My questions are open to all, not just to Princess.

It''s definitely a matter of opinion. When I see that a woman either hyphens her name or doesn''t change her last name, I don''t think twice about it (except how annoying it is to find that person on Outlook).

But when I hear a woman protest against the tradition so much it makes me think why take such a feminist approach? We don''t all have to be man-haters. Just because a man wants his wife to carry his name, that doesn''t mean he expects her to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. Juts because a woman wants to carry her husband''s name that doesn''t mean that the female movement is going backwards.

I would like to hypen my name because I think it sounds better. His last name and my last name together sounds fabulous.

Uhm.. What exactly is wrong with being a feminist? I consider myself to be a feminist (and I don''t know how any women could consider themselves to NOT be one), and I am not a man-hater. I don''t see how not taking your husbands last name makes one a "man-hater" anyway. I am marrying a man, I obviously don''t HATE him.

I don''t think that enough women put any thought into what the tradition of changing their name means, they just think it''s cute to be a Mrs. and to call themselves "The Jones" and to sign holiday cards together.

A lot of the reasons that people have given here for changing their names and totally dropping their maiden names are pretty stupid, in my opinion. I don''t really have a problem with the name change, I just have a HUGE problem with totally dropping the maiden name.

 

[princesss]

Date: 1/29/2009 2:48:39 PM
Author: Chrono
Thank you for the 2 replies so far. I thank you both for your mild mannered response. This topic can get out of hand very quickly and it isn''t my intention to start any flame wars.

I am no men hater - after all, I am happily married for over 15 years. It saddens me that men still feel upset when a woman wants to keep her own last name. If he is open minded enough to have a career wife, why not be open minded with her choice of keeping the name she has lived with all her life? I am attached to my name and I''m sure many men are, so why do some men just don''t get it?

If a woman chooses to change her name, that''s fine with me but I''m bothered by those men who don''t ''allow'' it and get upset over it.

It was a genuine question, and deserved a genuine answer.

BF and I have talked about this. Before I told him I was reasonably sure I would take his name, I tested the waters on hyphenation or him taking my name. He was open to hyphenation, but didn''t want to completely drop his name. He didn''t really have a strong opionion on what he would like me to do. He felt like it was my name, and my choice, and said he''ll just be happy to be married to me. But then, his mom kept her name, so I feel like he''s probably not the "average" guy in this situation.

 

[swimmer]

Date: 1/29/2009 2:34:35 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 1/29/2009 1:48:56 PM

Author: CellarDoor


I don''t understand why you would change your name a. before you even really were married and b. before the name change had actually even legally happened.


When people change their names immediately on their facebook, I wonder why they don''t just change their status to ''hEY LOOKEE I GOT ME A MAN. I definitely have a lot more respect for women who at least maintain their maiden name as a middle name. Sorry, but that''s just the way that I feel.

And I have a lot more respect for women that make a choice based on what''s best for them and their situation and don''t pass judgment on others for choosing something they don''t agree with.

OH SNAP! I hear you Fiery! Um...if you don''t know someone well enough to know they are getting married, why would you be their FB friend?

I moved my maiden-last to middle because I wanted to move up in the alphabet 20 letters and lost a bet with my DH; I somehow still manage to support the ERA and Emily''s List. We couldn''t hyphenate as that would be the same as a German candybar. DH is such a sweetie, he legally changed his middle name to my maiden name. Had I finished my dissertation prior to the wedding, he would have taken my name...but we would still be at the end of everything.

Just as an aside, if you get married in a state that doesn''t have name change on the marriage certificate, you are going to have some confusing times if you live in a state that does. We had to go to court in MA together to get our names changed legally because TN doesn''t have that on their forms. Very funny showing a TN marriage license to MA govt clerks, just a very different take on marriage in the two states and the forms reflect that.

 

[Octavia]

Date: 1/29/2009 2:39:27 PM
Author: fieryred33143

But when I hear a woman protest against the tradition so much it makes me think why take such a feminist approach? We don''t all have to be man-haters. Just because a man wants his wife to carry his name, that doesn''t mean he expects her to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. Juts because a woman wants to carry her husband''s name that doesn''t mean that the female movement is going backwards.

At the risk of protesting too much...

For me, it''s not the fact of women changing names in general. I just get worked up when a woman says "I don''t want to change my name" and people start questioning her decision. I also get worked up when a woman says "I want to take my husband''s name" and people question that decision. And I get downright angry when a man says "I want to take my wife''s name" and the state tells him he can''t. I''m all about personal choice and autonomy. Although the feminist in me happens to dislike the historical roots of the tradition and would advocate a more equitable system in general (if I ruled the world

), I certainly don''t dislike people who make the choice to change, regardless of gender or how they effect the change or their reasons for making the choice they did. I''m no man-hater!

 

[musey]

Date: 1/29/2009 2:32:07 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 1/29/2009 2:29:25 PM
Author: Chrono
I don''t want to start any fires but here''s the quote:

QUOTE
Personally, I plan on changing my name and dropping the name I have now. I don''t want to replace my middle name, because that name is a name my parents chose specifically for me, not one I just happened to be born into. My last name is very uncommon, and is misspelled and mispronounced all the time. I don''t want to have it be a second middle name, because it would be too much of a mouthful, and doesn''t accurately represent the person I am/will be. I will still be a part of my family no matter what my last name, so I don''t see what''s wrong with changing it.

END QUOTE


If you will still be part of your family no matter what''s your last name, then why even change your maiden name to your spouse''s?

Why not have your spouse change his name to yours?

Or to be fair, both change to the same new last name?

How come the man never hyphante his name?

This traditional is so skewered toward the male species.

My questions are open to all, not just to Princess.

Because I like his better. Simple as that.

Ditto. I can''t speak for anyone else in the entire world, but for ME, I had THE MOST common last name in the western world. I married a man whose surname is shared by, at best, 100 other people in the world. I like being unique. Taking that surname was another way to be unique in this world. So I did it. No other reason.

I can''t imagine why there would be anything wrong with that.

 

[musey]

Date: 1/29/2009 2:34:35 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 1/29/2009 1:48:56 PM

Author: CellarDoor


I don''t understand why you would change your name a. before you even really were married and b. before the name change had actually even legally happened.


When people change their names immediately on their facebook, I wonder why they don''t just change their status to ''hEY LOOKEE I GOT ME A MAN. I definitely have a lot more respect for women who at least maintain their maiden name as a middle name. Sorry, but that''s just the way that I feel.

And I have a lot more respect for women that make a choice based on what''s best for them and their situation and don''t pass judgment on others for choosing something they don''t agree with.

WORD.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 1/29/2009 2:50:48 PM
Author: CellarDoor

Date: 1/29/2009 2:39:27 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 1/29/2009 2:29:25 PM
Author: Chrono
I don''t want to start any fires but here''s the quote:

QUOTE
Personally, I plan on changing my name and dropping the name I have now. I don''t want to replace my middle name, because that name is a name my parents chose specifically for me, not one I just happened to be born into. My last name is very uncommon, and is misspelled and mispronounced all the time. I don''t want to have it be a second middle name, because it would be too much of a mouthful, and doesn''t accurately represent the person I am/will be. I will still be a part of my family no matter what my last name, so I don''t see what''s wrong with changing it.
END QUOTE

If you will still be part of your family no matter what''s your last name, then why even change your maiden name to your spouse''s?
Why not have your spouse change his name to yours?
Or to be fair, both change to the same new last name?
How come the man never hyphante his name?
This traditional is so skewered toward the male species.

My questions are open to all, not just to Princess.

It''s definitely a matter of opinion. When I see that a woman either hyphens her name or doesn''t change her last name, I don''t think twice about it (except how annoying it is to find that person on Outlook).

But when I hear a woman protest against the tradition so much it makes me think why take such a feminist approach? We don''t all have to be man-haters. Just because a man wants his wife to carry his name, that doesn''t mean he expects her to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. Juts because a woman wants to carry her husband''s name that doesn''t mean that the female movement is going backwards.

I would like to hypen my name because I think it sounds better. His last name and my last name together sounds fabulous.

Uhm.. What exactly is wrong with being a feminist? I consider myself to be a feminist (and I don''t know how any women could consider themselves to NOT be one), and I am not a man-hater. I don''t see how not taking your husbands last name makes one a ''man-hater'' anyway. I am marrying a man, I obviously don''t HATE him.

I don''t think that enough women put any thought into what the tradition of changing their name means, they just think it''s cute to be a Mrs. and to call themselves ''The Jones'' and to sign holiday cards together.

A lot of the reasons that people have given here for changing their names and totally dropping their maiden names are pretty stupid, in my opinion. I don''t really have a problem with the name change, I just have a HUGE problem with totally dropping the maiden name.

To me there are two kinds of feminists (and I don''t know you personally so I''m not categorizing you). There are those that are strong career women, make choices that they feel are right for themselves, and put what they want before tradition.

And then there are those that if a woman gets pregnant, she''s moving backwards. If a woman takes less hours, she''s giving into "the man." If she''s a career woman that changes her last name, then we should all lose respect for her. To me that kind of feminisim moves women''s rights more backwards than someone who does decide to change their last name.

As princess so intelligently pointed out, the feminism movement is about choice. If someone chooses their right to change their last name, then all the power to them. If they choose to keep their original last name, then all the power to them.

And the whole facebook argument is kind of silly. I mean after all it is facebook. Not that big of a deal.

 

[Rhea]

Date: 1/29/2009 2:29:25 PM
Author: Chrono
I don''t want to start any fires but here''s the quote:


QUOTE

Personally, I plan on changing my name and dropping the name I have now. I don''t want to replace my middle name, because that name is a name my parents chose specifically for me, not one I just happened to be born into. My last name is very uncommon, and is misspelled and mispronounced all the time. I don''t want to have it be a second middle name, because it would be too much of a mouthful, and doesn''t accurately represent the person I am/will be. I will still be a part of my family no matter what my last name, so I don''t see what''s wrong with changing it.

END QUOTE


If you will still be part of your family no matter what''s your last name, then why even change your maiden name to your spouse''s?

Why not have your spouse change his name to yours?

Or to be fair, both change to the same new last name?

How come the man never hyphante his name?

This traditional is so skewered toward the male species.

My questions are open to all, not just to Princess.

My spouse didn''t want to change his name to mine. We discussed it and decided that we both liked our names and should keep them. It was a very short discussion, I always knew I''d keep mine but wanted to hear his thoughts on the matter.

DH already has a hyphenated name. I wouldn''t have been opposed to hyphenating both of our names, but three is a bit overkill

. I didn''t like the idea of him getting rid of either of his lastnames, they go well together, and he doesn''t particular like my lastname so we didn''t discuss it further. Had DH only had one lastname I may have pushed the issue more, had a real conversation about it.

I didn''t want to change to a new last name. If I was willing to that, I''d just have changed to his last name. We never discussed this at all. It''s not an idea that I like for myself.

I did, when I was younger, try to add my mother''s birth name to mine, but ran into road blocks. Now I think that I''ll just look weird if I change it suddenly. If I did this we''d have four names between the two of us! I may still consider it, but I did pass the decision making deadline (due to visas) I gave myself so I don''t think I''ll do it now.

 

[musey]

Date: 1/29/2009 2:39:25 PM
Author: CellarDoor
I'm sorry, but it makes me sad to see women totally drop their last name. You say that your last name is uncommon and it doesn't represent you. I don't see how that can even be true. It is your name, it represents your family and your heritage.

Would your feelings on this be the same if someone had a name like Kate Smith? What if she had an excuse (whether it be marriage or otherwise) to change her name to Kate Ackerson? Would you poopoo it because she was leaving her 'heritage' (albeit a heritage shared by BILLIONS of people, so therefore not really meaningful or traceable) behind?

Moreover, why does it matter if an individual leaves their 'heritage' name behind? A single human life is a blip on the radar. We're all becoming so intermingled, that heritage doesn't mean much of anything to anyone anymore. My husband is 1/4 Japanese, 1/2 German, and 1/4 wholelottaotherstuff. What is his heritage? What should his name be? Something German, since that's the majority of his ethnic mix? Well, it's not. Our kids will be 3/4 caucasian mix, but they will have a Japanese last name. They'll only be 1/8 Japanese!

I just think that "heritage" is not a very strong argument for keeping one's name.

You know what is a strong argument for keeping one's name? "I want to."

I don't understand why many women seem to identify themselves strictly by their relationships to other people, and I see the name change issue as being an example of this. I also lose a lot of respect for women who completely devote themselves to child rearing, and give up any previous jobs, friends, or hobbies that they used to have. You must be aware that when you do things like that, that people are going to judge you for it.

This is everything that is wrong with the otherwise fantastic feminist movement. The point of that movement was that women should have equal rights and equal ability to do what makes them feel happy and fulfilled. What if what makes them feel happy and fulfilled is being a stay-at-home-mom? Does that make them inherently not respectable?

There are always people who judge, but I honestly don't understand the point of it. That's something that I've fought very hard against in my life, because it is absolutely not a productive emotion/thought process. People will do what they do, and even if I do something that you wouldn't do, so what? I'm not telling YOU to do it, and I'm certainly not hurting anyone by doing it, so where's the harm?

 

[Kayakqueen83]

Date: 1/29/2009 2:50:48 PM
Author: CellarDoor


A lot of the reasons that people have given here for changing their names and totally dropping their maiden names are pretty stupid, in my opinion. I don''t really have a problem with the name change, I just have a HUGE problem with totally dropping the maiden name.

Well then there you go, since you have a HUGE problem with dropping your maiden name, don''t drop your maiden name. It is a very personal decision and saying that you would loose respect for someone else to do something that you personally don''t agree with seems short sighted, IMHO. My sister-in-law didn''t change her name when she married and will not change her name. Who am I to care? It is her choice. I am going to change my last name and *gasp* get rid of my maiden name. It just doesn''t matter to me. And I like the fact that I will share my husband’s last name, that we will be linked together in that way. I think it''s odd that other people may loose respect for me for making up my own mind on a NAME. It''s just a name! And I''ll probably change my name on facebook soon after I get married too. I''ll be excited! How retro!

To each their own… Women have come so far and I think one of the best joys of that is that we can all live according to our different desires. Whether its being a stay at home mom or working full time, changing your name or keeping it. We can live however we each see fit for our own lives.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 1/29/2009 3:01:06 PM
Author: swimmer

I moved my maiden-last to middle because I wanted to move up in the alphabet 20 letters and lost a bet with my DH; I somehow still manage to support the ERA and Emily''s List. We couldn''t hyphenate as that would be the same as a German candybar. DH is such a sweetie, he legally changed his middle name to my maiden name. Had I finished my dissertation prior to the wedding, he would have taken my name...but we would still be at the end of everything.

Swimmer - I love that idea!!! Unfortunately my SO vetoed it because his middle name is his dad''s name and he feels some connection there. I love the idea though because you''re both changing together and yet you still seem traditional. Best of both worlds IMHO. So cool!

I just wanted to say that I''m jealous of all you ladies that feel strongly either way!!! I really wish I was adamant either way...that would make life so much easier. I think I''m going to just go the wishy-washy way of hyphenation legally and then use either name as I see fit.

BTW, one of my friends on facebook got married and her new name looks like this FirstName (MaidenName) LastName - very helpful for those of us that are old friends from HS but don''t follow each other''s lives nowadays.

 

[musey]

Date: 1/29/2009 3:14:50 PM
Author: lucyandroger
I just wanted to say that I''m jealous of all you ladies that feel strongly either way!!! I really wish I was adamant either way...that would make life so much easier. I think I''m going to just go the wishy-washy way of hyphenation legally and then use either name as I see fit.

You may feel that once it comes down to it, you do care. You may just have to be put in the situation before you figure it out

BTW, one of my friends on facebook got married and her new name looks like this FirstName (MaidenName) LastName - very helpful for those of us that are old friends from HS but don''t follow each other''s lives nowadays.

Yes, it was my understanding that that was what the "Maiden Name" field on the site is for.

Luckily my first name is unique enough that people won''t have any trouble figuring out who I am from that. Though I do agree with swimmer that "if you don''t know someone well enough to know they are getting married, why would you be their FB friend?" I have about 400 "friends" on that site and I doubt any of them were confused as to who I am after my name changed

 

[WishfulThinking]

Yeesh, I assure you all I am just about the most militant feminist you will EVER meet [seriously, no lie] and I have not a problem in the world with people changing their names-- regardless of what you''ve changed it to. It''s supposed to be about options!! We live in the year 2009, and it''s great we have OPTIONS. We can do what we want! Let''s celebrate! I know it sounds cheesy, but it''s so much better when we follow our hearts.

That said the point here was that blissfulbride doesn''t want to take her future husband''s name, and he doesn''t seem willing to compromise with her about it. I think situations like that are really too bad... it sort of messes up the whole faboo choice thing we''ve got goin'' on, yeah? Marriage is about compromise, but it does tick me off to see women compromising on this issue and being met with resistance from many men who do not feel the same need to compromise. It''s a two way street, folks. There is no reason why it is more respectful for a woman to cave to her future husband''s wishes and take him name if she doesn''t want to than it is for him to be respectful of her wishes not to change it, if that is how she feels. Bottom line is that it''s HER name. She''s the one who goes by this name. Her name, her choice.

Anyways, I didn''t change my name. Neither of us did. Partially because we weren''t really sure which to change it too [hey, having no expectations is hard!] and partially because we really can''t afford to pay the money to change it legally, since the change was not automatic [the joys of a stupidly complex legal but sort of not marriage situation

]. We''ll also be receiving degrees in our current names and pretty much like them and our families and have gone by them our whole lives. It makes sense for us. So we did it. Do what makes sense for you. Sheesh! Plus, if we had the same last name everyone would assume we were sisters... which is a tad gross.

 

[CellarDoor]

Date: 1/29/2009 3:12:09 PM
Author: musey

Date: 1/29/2009 2:39:25 PM
Author: CellarDoor
I''m sorry, but it makes me sad to see women totally drop their last name. You say that your last name is uncommon and it doesn''t represent you. I don''t see how that can even be true. It is your name, it represents your family and your heritage.

Would your feelings on this be the same if someone had a name like Kate Smith? What if she had an excuse (whether it be marriage or otherwise) to change her name to Kate Ackerson? Would you poopoo it because she was leaving her ''heritage'' (albeit a heritage shared by BILLIONS of people, so therefore not really meaningful or traceable) behind?

I don''t understand why many women seem to identify themselves strictly by their relationships to other people, and I see the name change issue as being an example of this. I also lose a lot of respect for women who completely devote themselves to child rearing, and give up any previous jobs, friends, or hobbies that they used to have. You must be aware that when you do things like that, that people are going to judge you for it.

Wow wow wow.

This is everything that is wrong with the otherwise fantastic feminist movement. The point of that movement was that women should have equal rights and equal ability to do what makes them feel happy and fulfilled. What if what makes them feel happy and fulfilled is being a stay-at-home-mom? Does that make them inherently not respectable?

There are always people who judge, but I honestly don''t understand the point of it. That''s something that I''ve fought very hard against in my life, because it is absolutely not a productive emotion/thought process. People will do what they do, and even if I do something that you wouldn''t do, so what? I''m not telling YOU to do it, and I''m certainly not hurting anyone by doing it, so where''s the harm?

I don''t really care what she changes her name to, all I am saying is that I judge people who completely drop their last name when they get married in a negative way. I may even change my last name to my husband''s when I get married, I haven''t put much thought into it, but there is no way that I will drop my last name all together. I don''t think that my FH really cares either way though, and I wouldn''t be marrying him if he DEMANDED that I change my name. I don''t want to hyphenate because my name is already too long.

I agree that feminism is about choices, and I don''t have a problem with stay-at-home moms as long as they retain some of their individual identity, even if it just means that they read a book once a week, or go to the gym, or meet friends for dinner once a month. As long as they take time to do things just for themselves I respect the choice to stay at home. I think, however, that too many women idealize this concept of a stay-at-home mom, and think that it is the perfect way to bring up children without considering how lonely and unfulfilling it can be.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 1/29/2009 3:23:38 PM
Author: musey

Date: 1/29/2009 3:14:50 PM
Author: lucyandroger
I just wanted to say that I'm jealous of all you ladies that feel strongly either way!!! I really wish I was adamant either way...that would make life so much easier. I think I'm going to just go the wishy-washy way of hyphenation legally and then use either name as I see fit.

You may feel that once it comes down to it, you do care. You may just have to be put in the situation before you figure it out

BTW, one of my friends on facebook got married and her new name looks like this FirstName (MaidenName) LastName - very helpful for those of us that are old friends from HS but don't follow each other's lives nowadays.

Yes, it was my understanding that that was what the 'Maiden Name' field on the site is for.

Luckily my first name is unique enough that people won't have any trouble figuring out who I am from that. Though I do agree with swimmer that 'if you don't know someone well enough to know they are getting married, why would you be their FB friend?' I have about 400 'friends' on that site and I doubt any of them were confused as to who I am after my name changed

Yeah, I think it's more that I want the best of all worlds. I do care - it's just that what I want is impossible. I want to be connected to my husband with the same last name and I want to keep my last name. But I don't want my name to be long or confusing...I think the names do sound good hyphenated (although my best friend said they sound like a law firm) so I think I'll go that route and see how I feel as our lives progress.

I didn't know facebook had a maiden name field! haha - never been married...

I think people use facebook for different things. I tend to find out that old friends got married through facebook. I'm facebook friends with almost everyone from my HS class and I haven't spoken to most of them in 7 or 8 years...But like everybody says...it's just facebook! Besides, if you see a name you don't recognize, presumably you could look at their profile and figure out who they are/were.