I just wanna say -- the random comments thread

[missy]

Dear Okie, I'm so sorry about your sweet kitty. Sending virtual hugs your way and keeping you in my thoughts.

 

[Enerchi]

So sorry to hear that news, Okie_girl. That is heartbreaking. There have been a lot of long time furry friends who have crossed the bridge lately. I hope you are taking care of yourself as you go thru this journey. Thinking of you....

 

[Okie_girl]

I had to have my 18 year old kitty put down today. I know without a doubt it was the right thing to do, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Oh, Okie, I'm so so sorry I went back through your posts, your white lady? She was beautiful.
I will be thinking of you today.

So many PSers have lost furry family recently, it's heartbreaking

Yssie, yes, it was my white lady. How sweet of you to go back and look her up! And thank you for the thoughts. (And...I've always wanted an orange kitty, too!)

Haven, VRBeauty, Missy and Enerchi, thank you all. A friend once told me, "the price of love is the hole they leave in our hearts." How true, but I wouldn't change a thing.

 

[Enerchi]

She is beautiful, Okie!!!! I'm so sorry you are going thru this

 

[yssie]

DH's dog is 18, and it looks like he's going to have to make some difficult decisions about her soon. It's still such a hard thing to do, even knowing it's the right decision

I hope you're feeling okay today. Lots of scritches to the others!

 

[Skippy123]

A cranky little rant:

I *despise* text-speak.
You don't look cool, you look illiterate.
Don't tell me that it's your way of "expressing yourself" - that you've somehow failed to recognise the contradiction inherent in choosing to hamstring your ability to nuance in the name of self-expression does you no favours.
Whatever the reasoning, I am utterly incapable of taking you seriously.

Bah.

what? people do that? oh wow, I haven't talked to someone that did that!

 

[Okie_girl]

Enerchi, thank you, she was an extraordinary girl! She was quite the talker, so the house seems awfully quiet today.

Yssie, I've known for a while that the day was not far off, and many days I second guessed myself. But yesterday, I knew, and I had a strange calmness and peace about it. I hope for that for you and DH with your pup. I'm doing okay, still seeing her out of the corner of my eye, but that will get better with a little time. The others say thanks for the scritches!!!

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

OG sorry for your loss. She was a beauty!

kind regards--Shaorn

 

[TooPatient]

Okie -- I'm sorry for your loss.


We found just the thing at Macy's. Okay... almost the right thing. The bed is a "full" and all of their sets were either king or queen so we had to get a queen size. It actually worked out well since the set didn't come with sheets and we had to buy them separate anyway. The comfortor hangs down over the sides, but is still well off the floor.

I've got to take some of our old pillowcases and stuff them with filling to make some "pillows" to go in the decorative shams.

I promise pictures soon! I took some last night but the lighting was awful (we need to re-aim fixtures).

 

[Enerchi]

hitting the freak out zone... trying to be calm (not working!) .... just learned that #1 son gave his PSYCHO insane G/F a promise ring. Sure, not the end of the world but its sliding too quickly down a very slippery slope. This is NOT welcome news. He's 24 (ok, I hear ya - he's an adult...) but so not mature or ready for this. This is only his second g/f and they only met maybe 7 months ago.


I think I'm going to be sick. This is NOT a healthy relationship. She is manipulating him and controlling. He refuses to see any of this. DS and DD have told him about her behaviour, as have his friends (those that haven't dropped him because of her) but he won't listen. DH is going to speak with him. I'm having trouble breathing and trying not to throw up. He actually said to DD that its a pre engagement ring. I am nauseated.

Nothing we can do - if we say too much it just pushes him towards her. I am not a 'stand back and watch' type of person. Not when it comes to my kids! oh please answer my prayers and let this stop....

 

[Okie_girl]

Enerchi, I'm really sorry about what you are going through. It's so hard to hold your tongue when you know a situation is no good. It's a fine line, though...you want to spare your son a lot of heartache, but you don't want to push him away at the same time. Sending you and your DH dust for wisdom, patience and peace!

Sharon and TooPatient, thank you for your kind words.

 

[isaku5]

Enerchi, I feel your agony. Our daughter has made many mistakes in the relationship area. Her first husband came from a wonderful family and had all the virtues we admired. We were in total shock when we found out that he was gay. There were no red flags at the time , but looking back, I see them now. She knew, her friends warned her, but she was going to 'cure him'. Eventually, she saw the futility of that and started looking for husband.#2.

Wouldn't you know - most handsome guy I've ever seen (I kid you not), was earning good money and close to his own Greek family. They were 'on and off' for years because his family wanted him to have a Greek wife. On and on it went and I disliked him and the way he was treating her from early in their relationship. Finally, his family approved their marriage. I was the one who objected and he knew why.
Around Thanksgiving (October, here) that year, she called to say that she was marrying 'him' in February. My comment was, 'Oh no!' The marriage was celebrated in grand style, but not on our dollar. I was told that the ceremony would be in both the Greek and English languages. Maybe it was, but I had waited for the 'objection' part to be said so that I could actually jump up and yell , "I object", but that part must have been in Greek because they were officially married.

She says she's happy and if that's true, more power to them and their cute little Chloe.

She made one impressive move in graduating as an accountant and has been doing that for quite awhile. He, on the other hand, has used all of her bonuses to fund his businesses which are always in the red.

I'm sorry to be so long-winded, but this is a cautionary tale.

 

[Enerchi]

Okie _girl and Isaku - how sensitive, loving and caring you both are, in the midst of all you are both going thru, to even give a thought to my (stupid!) maternal fears ---- THANK YOU BOTH SO MUCH for your input!!!

I know the more we push him, the more we could easily push him away. I really REALLY do want to like this girl... but there is some blockage in me (probably the mama bear DNA) that prevents me from warming up to her. I guess as a parent, you can see a bigger picture than the immediate one they are living in, but I can also observe from a distance, how she is manouevering and manipulating him. It is making me insane with worry! But... he's a big boy (no! no he's not! he's a kid trapped in a bad situation... oops, there goes the mom thing again) and he needs to live his life and just deal with things. ARgh. Next time, I'm not sure I'm going to have kids or be a parent! I think pets are gonna be the better option!

Isaku, thank you for sharing your daughter's story. I know what you must have gone thru. I hope you have come to some peace now--- how did you get thru all that? I am not a 'cool cat" I'm a very emotional and reactive person when it comes to drama and my kids.

THanks for sharing, both of you!

 

[isaku5]

Enerchi, I wanted to add that since the age of 11 she has been a huge heartbreaker for us. At the age of 11, we received a phone call from a friend telling us that our little girl was hanging out at the arena with a known pedophile. DH and I jumped into the car and headed for the arena to pick her up. We missed her by a few minutes, but found his car outside of a convenience store. I actually chased her around the store until I could grab her and literally shove her into our car. She was grounded for weeks. I heaved a sigh of relief, but I should have known that the 'fun' was just beginning. At 15, she left home with her idiot boyfriend and his brother and headed off to Montreal to work in a factory with a girl who'd done the same. We reported her to the police who didn't even bother to look for them although we had the license plate number and a description of his car. After the money ran out, they all came back to his father's house. He phoned us and asked us to come and pick her up. DH and I tried to do that, but she wanted to stay with idiot boyfriend's family. They very nicely told her that she had to come home with us.

The only reason she came was that I told her that we had to work out a budget so that she and the idiot could live together. I let her call around to find out the cost of rent, groceries etc. We added it up and she could plainly see that they couldn't afford it. We agreed that she needed more education to be able to live as she wanted to. She went back to grade 11, finished grade 12 and attended college to study marketing. By that time, my mother had given the idiot boyfriend a swift kick out the door.

The whole thing broke my father's heart, made my mother and me furious, but DH just became very quiet.

This was the intro to the 'fun' times that were to come...

To this day, I don't understand how a beautiful, intelligent young girl would keep hurling herself under the bus.


We have a wonderful son, thank God, to keep us sane

 

[rosetta]

I just wanted to add my voice to the chorus of frustration. My sister in law is desperate enough to marry a high school dropout (she's a lawyer) and move to a third world country. I've got very good instincts about men and I'm 100% sure he will never be faithful to her. He actually makes my skin crawl. She's giving up her career and independence to be a housewife of a businessman (he is wealthy i think) in a country where women have little rights. She cant even speak the language. The rest of my in laws hate this guy, but she's totally blind to reality.

You wonder how an educated, intelligent woman can make such a stupid decision. She's 33 years old, but it's not that old that she can't find a suitable partner in the whole of the uk! Only reason I can think of is that he is rich, but I didn't get the impression that she's a gold digger ever before. I think she's always made bad choices about men though.

You can't make people change their mind when they are hellbent. Believe me, we've tried. I just feel so sorry for her, and her future kids who will probably resent her for denying them the privileges of living in a developed country. The life expectancy is 30 years less there and it has one of the highest rates of maternal deaths. There are no working traffic lights and no ambulance service. It's my country of origin so I know its problems well.

Theres nothing we can do. Wedding is next month.

 

[Enerchi]

Rosetta - ACK! And I'm sure you, family, friends... have all tried their best to intervene, yet still your sister continues in that direction... WHY WHY WHY do these seemingly intelligent people, take this path? Pretty sure this has been going on since the dawn of time, and it is terrible to hear about it when it is a good friend telling you about their experience (you can appreciate the concern but thankfully, you are thinking 'glad its not me'') but when it *IS* happening to someone you love - it drives you mad! There is no hurt worse than what family can do to family, that is so true.

I have a very logical brain - which can see he (or Isaku's daughter, or Rosetta's sister, etc) are adults fully capable of their decisions and are aware of the consequences of their behaviour. Don't mess with things, let the situation play out, they will come to their senses - and other related cliche phrases I've been rolling thru the ticker tape in my head. But the overly emotional/primal "fight or flight" part of my brain, is the one I can't control and that's where the wildness and panic begins.

We were out with friends last night (whilst coughing up a lung from this damn summer cold), and they volunteered to come for dinner while DS and g/f are here, so they could grill them both. Laughingly, we thought that would be perfect - you say all the things we've been saying and see how it pans out... but it wouldn't be fair to either of them and it just drives them both further from us. Then there would be ZERO chance of being at all influential, nor would he come to us if it did end, for fear of a littany of "I told you so's". I do want to be there for him when it ends, so we can support him thru his heart break.

I know that 'time takes time' and hopefully, based on how we raised him and our family values, he will eventually see her for what she is, but DH keeps saying, what if he really IS happy??? What if she is the one? What if they do get married? (this is about the point where I run screaming from the room to vomit and change my will!)

How have you other's managed to either accept the situation, or calm yourself enough to maintain a relationship? I'm open to all suggestions!!!

 

[iLander]

Enerchi!

Your OP is EXACTLY what happened to my son! We tried to talk to him too, and it didn't work! Second girlfriend, she's a biting, sarcastic beatch, he's immature, all the same!

He turned around and repeated everything that we said TO HER. Seriously, everything. Then the whole big scene at the wedding (don't know if you remember the thread; I got food poisoning and she though I was faking and called me a drama queen, etc., etc.,) and no one spoke for about a year.

We didn't see him at all after they got married, Christmas packages mailed back and forth, etc. Very sad, we were so close previously.

Fast forward we're in year two (or is it three?) and we're slowly reconciling. I would have ignored him, and cut him loose, but it was tearing DH up. DH is a Cancer, and family is SOOOOO important to Cancers. I'm an Aquarius, we can take it or leave it. But anyway, I reached out one day, and acted like nothing happened, started where we left off. So now, we're all still pretty awkward, it's the elephant in the room, but DH is better and that's what I care about.

I will NEVER trust her, will NEVER go out of my way for her. When she talks, I tend to ignore her. I hope she's happy spending her life with a pissed off MIL, but as you sow, so shall you reap.

I think if I had to do it again, I would have just said to my DS; take your time, don't rush in, etc., and kept my opinions about her to myself. I would try a delaying tactic, slow it down somehow. I think she would have lost interest, but DS wanted to rush her to the alter so he wouldn't lose her.

To top things off, DIL seemed to be making googly-eyes at DD's boyfriend at our last family lunch together.

Poor DS. I just pray they don't have children before she dumps him

 

[Enerchi]

Then the whole big scene at the wedding (don't know if you remember the thread; I got food poisoning and she though I was faking and called me a drama queen, etc., etc.,) and no one spoke for about a year. (I remember that and wrote about my situation in that thread!)

DH is a Cancer, and family is SOOOOO important to Cancers. I'm an Aquarius, we can take it or leave it. (my DH is cancer as well, and so is DS! I'm Capricorn - organized, structured, disciplined... perhaps a tad stubborn, but we overlook that trait! )

I will NEVER trust her, will NEVER go out of my way for her. When she talks, I tend to ignore her. I hope she's happy spending her life with a pissed off MIL, but as you sow, so shall you reap. (DITTO! Only this one does not speak - she clings with a death grip, to DS)

I think if I had to do it again, I would have just said to my DS; take your time, don't rush in, etc., and kept my opinions about her to myself. I would try a delaying tactic, slow it down somehow. I think she would have lost interest, but DS wanted to rush her to the alter so he wouldn't lose her. (OMG!!! DOUBLE DITTO!!! I think he completely knows how we feel about her, but I don't think we've slammed her directly to his face/ears. I also think she will lose interest in my son but for now, she is so incredibly insecure that she's clinging so hard and wanting to be grown up/play house that neither can see past the lust)

To top things off, DIL seemed to be making googly-eyes at DD's boyfriend at our last family lunch together. (YUP!! SAME thing here!!! She tries to hit on my other DS! And any of #1 sons friends... she's just a cat in heat it seems. And he says she's just "friendly"! Um... dude, that's not "friendly", FYI... but what do we know... Mom who was an STD nurse for 18.5 years... yeah, I pretty much know nothing...)

Poor DS. I just pray they don't have children before she dumps him (I'm saying the same prayer - and not to silently!

Thanks iLander for your post - it does help to know others are living this mess as well. I appreciate all the input - thank you!

 

[iLander]

ENERCHI--I remember now, you did respond to my thread, thank you! We are sisters in this mess of sons with bad girlfriend taste.

(DITTO! Only this one does not speak - she clings with a death grip, to DS)

My DIL used to cling to DS all the time, literally. Before the wedding, she used to just sit on his lap when they came to visit, kiss constantly, it was very rude PDA. After the wedding -- they hardly touch at all! It's like night and day! Gone is the rubbing who knows what under the table, gone is the two of them welded together. It's a relief for me, but it seems very strange to be so sudden and complete. She doesn't look at him when he talks, she goes on vacations without him, and it's only been a short time since the wedding.

(my DH is cancer as well, and so is DS! I'm Capricorn - organized, structured, disciplined... perhaps a tad stubborn, but we overlook that trait! )

Oh, boy. This whole thing is going to very tough on your son and DH. Cancers are like swans, they mate for life. We hardly ever see them, and this past weekend was DH's birthday. They were expected, and then that morning, they said they were at a "conference" in another city. Right. Another time, they were busy the whole weekend with "three weddings" to go to. She's turned my son into a blatant liar.

(YUP!! SAME thing here!!! She tries to hit on my other DS! And any of #1 sons friends... she's just a cat in heat it seems. And he says she's just "friendly"! Um... dude, that's not "friendly", FYI... but what do we know... Mom who was an STD nurse for 18.5 years... yeah, I pretty much know nothing...)

I think this is your answer. Invite some of your DS's friends around, see if she finds someone else to cling on to. If I had seen my DIL lusting after DD's boyfriend before the wedding, I would have tried this route. Sounds terrible, but get it out now, not after the wedding.

DIL tried all sorts of lies to try to get us to pay for a very fancy wedding. In CASH, please, handed to HER ahead of time. My DH smelled something and said we'd give them a check after the wedding. We should have just given her the money. I honestly think she would have left.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, Enerchi, I know exactly how much it sucks. It's like watching a slow motion car accident with the son you love, and not being able to stop it. I fully expect my DIL to leave my DS as soon as she sees someone she likes better. He will be crushed. Now her sister just had a baby, and I'm sure she's now thinking of having one of her own. Sigh . . .

 

[Enerchi]

iLander - how can I talk to you off PS? Do you have anything listed on DB??

You are just the step or two ahead of me and I am living a parallel life!!! My dh's b day was while we were away, I arranged before hand to have the boys and their g/f's here for a dinner when we got back - she wrote on their home calendar, under BBQ at "(__) place", a sad face w tongue out. Nice. Doesn't he see these things??? Doesn't he see the divide she's making??? we were out last night with new friends/neighbours, talking about this (we are NOT the only people going thru it thankfully!) and one husband said there is no way even a stupid child could not see how other brother's g/f responds to us, compared to how she responds. And that kind of thing has to affect him. He calls #2 after huge fights - and they do fight regularly - he sees how comfortable #2's g/f is... on and on. But all advice is to just 'back off/wait it out/don't interfere". I agree - I do - but still fearful of a pregnancy.

His bday was last week - he was too busy to see us on his day and too busy last weekend. Throughout the week, they have been busy... DH said, "well, call us this weekend to be sure we are home, we have gifts and cards here for you from out of town family" Yup - so today (sunday), I'm thinking, should *I* call *him*? no. I won't. He's a big boy, he's doing his parent/child separating and asserting his independence/I'm a grown up stuff. Ok. but oh boy, does it ping at my heart!

Argh. I wish I could have kept him in a glass dome and protected him from growing up and all evil forces!!! but yeah, that's just the crazy momma bear DNA talking!

But I thank you SOOOO much for being here to share! I hope both of us have a happier turn of events VERY soon - DIL's be damned --- "off with their heads" - as per the Queen of Hearts!

 

[iLander]

Enerchi,

I don't have anything on DB, I guess we're just going to have to hog up the random comments thread for now.

YES! Divisive! During the big after wedding scene (from my old thread) my DH said to her specifically "you're very devisive, PLEASE don't do that to DS!" and she just stormed out. And it got worse, the whole year of no contact at all. These girls control the boys COMPLETELY! The DS's think they are so lucky to have a girl, they will do anything she says!

I should have had a clue, when after our first meeting I asked DS what she thought. He said "She likes Dad and Sister. . . " Excuse me? That was when I was still nice and had some hope of having a normal DIL, I thought we got along great that day.

He has very little contact with us, meanwhile, she's taking pie-baking classes with her mom, they go on Christmas trips with her mom (no Xmas for us, packages mailed). Even at the wedding, we weren't told there was a rehearsal dinner the night before, even though I talked to DS that day. We simply weren't invited.

So yes. Very divisive. This is the boy, that just weeks before meeting her, wrote a card that said we are "the greatest parents in the world". We were so close before, all affectionate and loving. Now, when we do see him, I have the same attitude that I do with business associates; polite, but not a real relationship. There's a wall. My DD says that she has turned DS into her girlfriend, since he carries her purse, suddenly loves Glee and Disney princess movies. He also isn't his true self with her; she had no idea that he was 6th in the world at Yugio (sp?) and when we mentioned it she was surprised. I'm sure she teased him later, she constantly belittles him with little snide remarks.

If it were DD instead of DS, everyone would quickly realize this is a pattern of an abusive relationship: isolate the victim from family and friends, undermine their self-esteem, take away the things they enjoy, so the abuser is all the victim has. But because it's a boy, people just don't see it. I do.

We've given up. It is what it is. We're polite, but the relationship will never be the same. It's a strain for me to put on "nice face" when we are all together. But I do it. It makes DH happy.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Warm summer evenings are great for burning all those youthoughttheywereawesomebutturnedouttobe stinky candles, outside on the patio table. No waste--no guilt!

cheers--Sharon

 

[Okie_girl]

Today's my mother's birthday. I miss her very much.

 

[junebug17]

Today's my mother's birthday. I miss her very much.

I'm sorry Okie girl. Sounds like a rough day for you, ((((hugs)))).

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

What a horrible horrible day. The dogs I was babysitting for my mum, well the German shepherd killed the puppy. I feel sick, I can't stop crying and I pretty much just want to curl up and die right now. Mum doesn't come home for another week so I have to hold it all in until she does.. How on earth am I going to break this news? I feel like I've let her down so badly, and I've let that poor little puppy down more.

 

[junebug17]

Oh no HOT, I'm so very sorry, how awful - sounds like nobody, not even your mom, knew the german shephard could be aggressive towards small animals, or she wouldn't have gotten a puppy. You are clearly beside yourself over this, what a burden for you to carry all week.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

I just feel so guilty Junebug. Everybody keeps saying that it wasn't my fault but I can't help but feel responsible. There are so many would have / should haves going on in my head right now. All I want to do is sleep but it just wont come. Every time I close my eyes I see her little face.

 

[VRBeauty]

Hawaiian: First, I'm glad you weren't hurt. Second, I'm sorry to hear this. Third - WTF???

If the German Shepherd is the puppy's mother, there's a good chance she killed it for a reason (the puppy was sick, or hormones on the mother's part) and there's little of nothing you could do to prevent it. My brother and SIL existed for years with a psycho dog that had been rescued, as a puppy, from its mother. The psycho dog had to be watched like a hawk and only a few people could handle it because of its tendency to attack. We've speculated that it's mother probably knew what she was doing...

If the GS was not the puppy's mother, were its violent tendencies known? And if so, why were you being asked to watch it, and other dogs at the same time?????

Huggs... I hope you have a chance to get together with someone you talk to about this.

ETA: I know this isn't going to help but really, it is not your fault.

 

[junebug17]

I just feel so guilty Junebug. Everybody keeps saying that it wasn't my fault but I can't help but feel responsible. There are so many would have / should haves going on in my head right now. All I want to do is sleep but it just wont come. Every time I close my eyes I see her little face.

But HOT, as VRBeauty pointed out, either nobody knew the shephard was capable of something like this, and if someone did know, you should never have been asked to watch both dogs. It truly sounds like a tragic accident that has caught everyone by surprise. This could have happened (in fact, would most definitely have happened) while the dogs were with your mother. It honestly isn't your fault. Hugs to you, I know you are in so much pain over this.

 

[Enerchi]

OMG! HOT! you must not not NOT blame yourself for this! It was a random act by a dog against another dog. You can NOT be a thousand places at once, watching 24/7. Don't take on this guilt - you were not at fault!!!

That is so traumatic - how are you managing??? What will happen to the GS now? Do you have a humane society that will take the dog to be sure there are no further acts of aggression, before your mom returns??

Please take care of yourself...