Infidelity

[Dancing Fire]

I don't know that this necessarily warrants a new thread, but the Eva and Tony divorce got me thinking.

It seems like everywhere you look nowadays infidelity is thrown in your face. In the media, on television, in everyday life amongst friends. Does it ever make any of you paranoid?

I might seem a little naive for saying this, but sometimes I worry that one day down the line temptation may enter my marriage. I trust my husband completely and know in my heart he would never do something so hurtful to me (and never has even remotely in our 8+ years together) but still I can't shake the fact that it's everywhere! Seeing (possibly bogus) "studies" about the percentage of men or women who cheat on their spouses sends chills down my spine!

My husband and I have discussed this before. It's been determined, if cheating occurs in our marriage, it is over. I simply would not tolerate it and I would never expect him to either.

Anyway, does this ever cross anyone else's mind? I know, I know, if I'm confident in our marriage I don't need to worry about it. I have my own theories for why I am so paranoid but I won't get into that now haha!

but do you trust yourself completely?? did you know women cheat more often than men??

 

[junebug17]

My husband cheated, but really it was the icing on the very big cake, but when he got caught it was like he finally realized he loved me. We're currently going to therapy and working through it, but it's been verrry hard for me. I still can't say that we're going to be OK, but something about how he responded immediately after he was caught has made me want to work on us. I guess all I can say is that it's never black and white, no matter how strongly you think you feel about it now.

Athena, I just wanted to send you a hug and tell you I hope everything works out for you. And I absolutely agree - it's very hard sometimes to know for sure how we are going to handle a situation until we are actually faced with it.

 

[les12]

I don't know that this necessarily warrants a new thread, but the Eva and Tony divorce got me thinking.

It seems like everywhere you look nowadays infidelity is thrown in your face. In the media, on television, in everyday life amongst friends. Does it ever make any of you paranoid?

I might seem a little naive for saying this, but sometimes I worry that one day down the line temptation may enter my marriage. I trust my husband completely and know in my heart he would never do something so hurtful to me (and never has even remotely in our 8+ years together) but still I can't shake the fact that it's everywhere! Seeing (possibly bogus) "studies" about the percentage of men or women who cheat on their spouses sends chills down my spine!

My husband and I have discussed this before. It's been determined, if cheating occurs in our marriage, it is over. I simply would not tolerate it and I would never expect him to either.

Anyway, does this ever cross anyone else's mind? I know, I know, if I'm confident in our marriage I don't need to worry about it. I have my own theories for why I am so paranoid but I won't get into that now haha!

but do you trust yourself completely?? did you know women cheat more often than men??

Well, yes I do. And he trusts me, and he trusts himself. But so do many couples who are faced with infidelity. I never ever understand why a person would cheat, but it happens often and my point is even if you think you will never ever be the one, there's always a possibility. So, I thank everyone for their advice on ways to avoid that possibility.

 

[Laila619]

I am very firm about cheating--if DH cheats, he is toast. A cheater breaks sacred marriage vows. Thus, there'd be no more marriage, it would be irrevocably broken.

 

[Dancing Fire]

love these cheating threads...

"always he cheated on her" but never hear "she cheated on him". women are so innocent...

 

[TravelingGal]

My husband and I talk about this all of the time.

I am very surprised at how many of you don't allow opposite sex friends. Shocked, even. I think cheating happens when things at home are not going well. I don't see how having a friend of the opposite sex would make you stray if you were happy.

This is the root of my thoughts on the subject. I do not believe in soul mates. I think it is utterly naive to believe that ONE person will fulfill all of your needs sexually, emotionally, spiritually, philosophically, and mentally. That is too much to ask of one person. Any one of those topics broached on an intimate level with a member of the opposite sex can, in my opinion, open doors that are better left closed. Even if you are happy with your spouse, but you connect with another person on an intimate level, I believe infidelity can occur. By removing the opposite sex, you're ensuring that sexually you are the only one available. All other areas can be met with a same sex friend. There is nothing that another man can provide me that I can't get from my husband or a girlfriend. And ditto with him. Neither he nor I feel like we're missing anything by not having opposite sex friends. Additionally, (and this is getting TMI), I know what kind of a person I am. I like sex a lot. And, although I really believe it would never happen, if DH and I were on an extended dry spell, I have to acknowledge that if I had a close friend of the opposite sex who I felt connected with I might have a stronger temptation to stray. I think anyone with a strong libido can understand that even if they don't agree. So for us, it's definitely the way to go.

I agree with what you said about one person not always being able to meet all of your needs. That makes sense. The part that does not make sense to me is the choosing to cheat for whatever reason... because thats what it is - a choice. Yes, you can be attracted to someone while married, and maybe even more so when there is a dry spell or other problems going on. My husband and I feel very strongly that our marriage is to be respected, and that means there is no cheating. Ever. No matter what. Things don't just "happen" physically. They're always a choice, and you can always say no. If my husband was seriously considering straying, he would come to me and we'd talk about it because that's the type of relationship we have. We don't lie and cheat. We come to one another with honesty and figure it out. We'd divorce before we'd cheat.

Elledizzy, this is the attitude that, well, propels people to cheat.

Most people don't PLAN on it. Yes, in the end it's a "choice" but there's not a whole lot of REAL and TRUE thinking that goes into it. People DECEIVE themselves. They will lie to themselves long before they lie to you.

Husband has female coworker. Husband is attracted to female coworker, but won't really admit it to himself, even though she gives him the tingles and hots. Husband, like most human beings has ego. Coworker feeds ego. Husband does love wife, really! So husband would NOT cheat on wife. They'd discuss it first. But hey, everyone is going out for happy hour, great! Happy hour is fun...but hey, where did everyone go? Now husband is buzzed and sitting alone with female coworker. They talk. It's fun. Conversation flows.

*smooch*

Now husband feels guilty. But all it was was a kiss. No need to tell wife, whom he loves because he wants to stay married...loves being married, in fact and will not leave his wife.

Meanwhile, in workland, coworker is buying some low cut tops...............

Married people cheat on the ones they love. That's why in Mistress 101 the first thing they teach you is: He will not leave HER for YOU. There is also reason why cheaters have incriminating "evidence" on their cell phones (when if they were prepared, they'd get another for their mistresses!) No one thought it'd ever come to this. Match is lit, inferno's on, have fun putting the fire out!

 

[Dancing Fire]

My husband and I talk about this all of the time.

I am very surprised at how many of you don't allow opposite sex friends. Shocked, even. I think cheating happens when things at home are not going well. I don't see how having a friend of the opposite sex would make you stray if you were happy.

when elle talk about sex i listen...

 

[Indylady]

Just as I said that I cannot even conceive of him ever doing that to me, on the flip side I also cannot imagine feeling any differently about him under any circumstances, no matter what he does. It sounds insane, I'm sure, but it's the truth. I love that man, I want to share my life with him, and nothing is going to change that.

I feel the same way.

My SO is my family; if another family member did something to hurt me, I would be hurt, but they would still be family. That doesn't change.

 

[anon489]

I know some people get annoyed by anonymous posts, so apologies to those people, but this is very timely for me and I wanted to respond. I recently (in the last month) discovered that my husband has been having what I would describe as an emotional affair. I won’t bore you with too much detail but, in short, the behaviour included many phone calls, texts (including her sending him numerous photos of herself in lingerie), emails and outings (initially in a group setting but occasionally just the two of them) over the course of a couple of months. He swears blind that it was not physical (because he knows I view this as a dealbreaker) and I think I believe him, although I’m still not 100% convinced and I‘m not sure where it would have ended had I not found out. Regardless, it is so far beyond the boundaries of what is acceptable in a marriage and I do consider it cheating. Of course, it also involved a lot of lies and deception which are as big, if not a bigger issue, than the behaviour itself. I had posted previously about trust issues, as some of the posters here who responded may recall, and this has hit home in a way beyond what I could have imagined at the time.

Obviously this is all pretty fresh and I have more questions than answers at this point, but thought I would share some of the things I am grappling with at the moment:

Is this still a deal-breaker for me (assuming it was not physical) – I had always considered cheating a deal-breaker and my initial reaction was yes and I asked him to leave. We spent some time apart and I ultimately decided that I needed to see if we could work it out. I am seeing a counsellor by myself and we are also seeing a counsellor together. Like Athenaworth (big hugs to you), it is a daily struggle for me at the moment and I am not sure whether we will get through it. Why am I trying to work at it – for so many reasons, good and bad - because I’m a firm believer in the marriage commitment and that you don’t just throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble, because I love him and I believe he loves me, because I missed him terribly when we were apart, because I am in denial that he could do this to me and not be so ashamed that it will never happen again, because I’m embarrassed to admit that I could have made such a monumental mistake in marrying him. Obviously a lot more complicated than my hard-line views before I was forced to face it for real. Why do I think we might not work it out – because there has been such a breach of trust over a period of time that I’m not sure I will ever be able to trust him again and I don’t want to be in a marriage like that, because we can’t resolve the underlying issues that led to this, because I don’t feel that DH acknowledges that no matter what our underlying issues, this is not an acceptable way to deal with it.

Should I have set rules for DH about going out and interacting with members of the opposite sex – Despite everything, I’m still on the fence on this one. I have given DH a fair bit of leeway generally because, like others have said, I thought if we trusted each other this was unnecessary. There were times when I asked him to stop certain behaviour with other women (eg an ex-girlfriend) when I thought it crossed the line but otherwise I left him to make his own decisions. DH needs a lot of attention and likes to be the nice guy who is always helping people and finds it hard to say no to people so I guess I knew there was a bit of a risk but I never thought he would cross the line. In any event, I’m not sure whether rules would have made a difference in this case because the “affair”, was not with one of his female friends, but someone who he met while we were in a rough patch and he took advantage of the opportunity when she showed an interest. So I don’t think having rules will stop it from happening if the party wants it to. I do however think they can make a difference by not having temptation sitting in the way. I do believe that marriages have their ups and downs and that if temptation is there during a down time, then someone may behave in a moment of weakness in a way that has long-lasting repercussions for their marriage, so if you can do something to avoid it, why not?

I will also say that I believed that, because we are both very moral people, we would divorce before cheating and I was clearly wrong about that.

Sorry for the novel and the rambling but it helped to get that off my chest!

 

[LAJennifer]

I am very firm about cheating--if DH cheats, he is toast. A cheater breaks sacred marriage vows. Thus, there'd be no more marriage, it would be irrevocably broken.

I feel the same way. I have a much higher drive than DH so I am already sacrificing in a way. So if he were to cheat and give someone else that something he doesn't give me enough of . . . the ending would be sudden. And then I would make up for lost time LOL!

 

[Maisie]

First off I want to send Athena a hug. I have been where you are and its not easy.

Secondly I wish DF would take these kinds of threads seriously.

Thirdly, my husband was unfaithful. I was devastated and ended our marriage. Once the vows were broken there was no point for me to carry on. We are back together now and starting from scratch. Working out why it went wrong, what the causes were and how to make sure that never happens again. He deeply regrets what happened and I believe him. He lost everything and said it was definitely not worth it. He has to prove his intent towards me and our children before we can ever be married again.

 

[iLander]

I know some people get annoyed by anonymous posts, so apologies to those people, but this is very timely for me and I wanted to respond. I recently (in the last month) discovered that my husband has been having what I would describe as an emotional affair. I won’t bore you with too much detail but, in short, the behaviour included many phone calls, texts (including her sending him numerous photos of herself in lingerie), emails and outings (initially in a group setting but occasionally just the two of them) over the course of a couple of months. He swears blind that it was not physical (because he knows I view this as a dealbreaker) and I think I believe him, although I’m still not 100% convinced and I‘m not sure where it would have ended had I not found out.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I would have real trouble believing it didn't get physical at some point. Hope this works out for you.

 

[April20]

My husband and I talk about this all of the time.

I am very surprised at how many of you don't allow opposite sex friends. Shocked, even. I think cheating happens when things at home are not going well. I don't see how having a friend of the opposite sex would make you stray if you were happy.

Elle, I think it's impossible and unrealistic to have NO friends of the opposite sex. I do, however, think that the friendships cannot be close once you are in a relationship. They have to change. This is not to say you cut these people off and don't have anything to do with them. But it's just not smart IMO to continue to do things alone with a friend of the opposite sex. Things happen. We're imperfect. We can all be stupid. Add alcohol to the mix and it we can be even more stupid. What happens if suddenly someone expresses attraction that was previously unexpressed? Two people- guard down- what are they going to do? The chances of it being the wrong thing can be very high. I ask the question again- Why put yourself in that situation to begin with? Why put yourself in a place where you have to make the decision to do the right thing?

I think a lot of people think unless an affair goes all the way, it doesn't count. I disagree- I think an emotional affair can develop much, much faster than anything else. This happened to my sister about 18 months ago. SHE was the one that had the relationship. It started out innocent actually- her and her husband were hanging out with another couple. They both had kids. Then she ended up somewhere with just the husband and all the kids. That led to other times meeting up with him (and their mutual kids) and before she knew it, he was asking her to leave her husband and all sorts of other drama. It nearly ended her marriage. She was STUPID, quite frankly, and put herself in situations she should NEVER have been in. It messed with her head for quite a while. She actually considered leaving and for what? It took her husband over a year to even begin to move past all this. It was pretty ugly and completely avoidable.

I stand behind not having close friends of the opposite sex that you spend alone time with or text/phone/IM, etc.

 

[geckodani]

This is an interesting topic for me because I feel like any person is capable of cheating. Being married does not preclude a person from finding another person attractive. Or from wondering "what if" about a coworker who is smart, charming, funny, blah blah blah. I say this because I'm not naive about what CAN happen in everyday life in platonic, everyday relationships. I fully realize that small crushes can develop momentum and turn into something destructive.

That being said, I just don't feel any insecurity when it comes to my husband. Nor does he feel any insecurity with me. I really do trust him 150%. I wouldn't keep him from having a friendship with another woman, but it's also easy for me to say that because D is very respectful in that regard. He would find it inappropriate to have lunch or dinner alone with a female friend, even if I said it was not a big deal. In the end, we both realize we have way too much to lose by taking the risk with infidelity.

In some ways, I feel the same as Haven. D is always putting our marriage first. He's no selfish and his decisions are always based on what will improve our lives. On the other hand, if he were to do something selfish and hurtful, it WOULD change how I felt about him. I told him long before we were married that my love is conditional. I don't believe in unconditional love between two adults and if he exhibited any "dealbreaker" behavior, I would leave.

I do think it would be harder for me to leave if kids were involved and it's something we sometimes discuss when we talk about starting a family.

This is very similar to how I feel about the whole thing.

I am of the opinion that I can't get everything from my spouse that I need to be a happy fulfilled human being. That said, I get at LEAST 90% of my emotional needs met by my husband, and 100% of my sexual ones. If those two things weren't true, well, then why get married to that person?

I have male friends. He has female friends. We do occasionally go out to lunch with someone off the opposite gender without each other present. However, this is with the full knowledge, support and trust of the other person, and it's a very rare occurance, especially since most of our friends have gotten married and their spouses are now part of the group, so to speak.

That said, I do not, and will not EVER get drunk around members of the opposite sex without my husband present. Because it's too easy for alcohol to blur inhibitions and for things to happen. So I don't, and won't put myself in that position.

I have friends that are going through this right now, and it breaks my heart to see. The scenario T-Gal outlined is actually very close to what happened in their case. That said, the thing that is causing the most problems in their case is the fact that one of them flat out lied to the other person.

As NEL said, if DH did anything that I consider a deal breaker (cheated, hit me etc.) I would be gone in a heartbeat. I truly hope that I never face that situation.

I really think that online social networking, text messaging, and basically the electronic world we find ourselves in can create such a slippery slope in relationships. Not sure where I'm going with that though, except that in the three cases I know of where friends have had marital issues, texting, emails and facebook have been at the heart of the mess.

 

[AnneinGA]

First of all hugs to anon489. It CAN work; you CAN put it back together. It takes work work work, but if you want it things can eventually be stronger than ever.

Emotional affairs are far more devastating than physical ones. Physical affairs are hot and quick and torrid; like a storm rolling in, fierce and gone. Emotional affairs build a relationship brick by brick by removing bricks from the marriage house.

Traveling gal said it very well. Emotional affairs are not a choice, like "hey I want to cheat today". They are a series of small, seemingly inconsequential decisions, that put together in the right order in the right place in time in a relationship can be the recipe for disaster.

There are of course the unhappy marriages where the two spouses don't communicate at home and that leads to communication with the opposite sex that becomes too close, too confidential, and then is suddenly way more emotional than it should be. That those spouses do not recognize that things are not as they should be, and stepping in to make changes, is suprisingly common.

But there are those innocent single decisions - a boss yells at two co-workers and they decide to let off some steam and go get a coffee; a project is rewarded and bonuses are given - "let's celebrate!" And those two instances can be TOTALLY TOTALLY innocent. Then three weeks later one sends a funny joke to another; then someone looks "down" and the other asks what's wrong? and those two things can be TOTALLY TOTALLY innocent. But those four situations build emotional intimacy and trust between people. And when you trust someone at work to be your "Work buddy" and know that you can trust them, it breeds more emotional intimacy. And trust me, that line can get so gray, so close, and so fast, that you're at lunch having a meal, conversation lulls, and you look into the other person's eyes and something inside you goes "uh oh" and you wonder how in the heck you got there.

But as much as I love the idea of no friends of the opposite sex, the truth is that no amount of buffer can keep a marriage safe from infidelity, unless the two people live on the moon and there is no one else. My opinion is that the very best thing you can to is to tend your marraige as you would tend a garden. Daily. Get rid of the weeds (resentment and doubt); share your fears, fertilize (love, affection, sex). The journey of a marriage that stands the test of time is not an agreement not to cheat, it's a daily affirmation of love and respect for the other.

 

[les12]

First of all hugs to anon489. It CAN work; you CAN put it back together. It takes work work work, but if you want it things can eventually be stronger than ever.

Emotional affairs are far more devastating than physical ones. Physical affairs are hot and quick and torrid; like a storm rolling in, fierce and gone. Emotional affairs build a relationship brick by brick by removing bricks from the marriage house.

Traveling gal said it very well. Emotional affairs are not a choice, like "hey I want to cheat today". They are a series of small, seemingly inconsequential decisions, that put together in the right order in the right place in time in a relationship can be the recipe for disaster.

There are of course the unhappy marriages where the two spouses don't communicate at home and that leads to communication with the opposite sex that becomes too close, too confidential, and then is suddenly way more emotional than it should be. That those spouses do not recognize that things are not as they should be, and stepping in to make changes, is suprisingly common.

But there are those innocent single decisions - a boss yells at two co-workers and they decide to let off some steam and go get a coffee; a project is rewarded and bonuses are given - "let's celebrate!" And those two instances can be TOTALLY TOTALLY innocent. Then three weeks later one sends a funny joke to another; then someone looks "down" and the other asks what's wrong? and those two things can be TOTALLY TOTALLY innocent. But those four situations build emotional intimacy and trust between people. And when you trust someone at work to be your "Work buddy" and know that you can trust them, it breeds more emotional intimacy. And trust me, that line can get so gray, so close, and so fast, that you're at lunch having a meal, conversation lulls, and you look into the other person's eyes and something inside you goes "uh oh" and you wonder how in the heck you got there.

But as much as I love the idea of no friends of the opposite sex, the truth is that no amount of buffer can keep a marriage safe from infidelity, unless the two people live on the moon and there is no one else. My opinion is that the very best thing you can to is to tend your marraige as you would tend a garden. Daily. Get rid of the weeds (resentment and doubt); share your fears, fertilize (love, affection, sex). The journey of a marriage that stands the test of time is not an agreement not to cheat, it's a daily affirmation of love and respect for the other.

Very well said. Thanks for writing this.

 

[geckodani]

But as much as I love the idea of no friends of the opposite sex, the truth is that no amount of buffer can keep a marriage safe from infidelity, unless the two people live on the moon and there is no one else. My opinion is that the very best thing you can to is to tend your marraige as you would tend a garden. Daily. Get rid of the weeds (resentment and doubt); share your fears, fertilize (love, affection, sex). The journey of a marriage that stands the test of time is not an agreement not to cheat, it's a daily affirmation of love and respect for the other.

 

[Amethyste]

That is such a good discussion...

My husband and I talked about this a while back... He knows I have been cheated on and he knows how much it has hurt me, and somewhat tainted my trust in "men" in general...

This being said, we both agreed that we will never put ourselves into situations that might compromise faithfulness. First of all, I have no desire to "hook" up with other men. ONE is plenty enough!!!

Keeping the relationship interesting and fuel it in a manner that it keeps the fire going - for me, that is the only way I know we can be safe from that evil marriage breaker!

My husband has friends of the opposite sex and I do as well. I don't care if they call to chat with him and he doesn't care if they call to chat with me. But WE WILL NOT go out lets say to have a drink with that so friend by ourselves. That's the rule and it will always will be. They can come over to the house, when the other is around. Pretty much it is that they have to also become the other partner's friend as well to make this all work...

I think setting ground rules is the key -> we even discussed with each other what we would consider "cheating". I am so lucky to have
found a man that I can have those kind of conversations without freaking out. We trust each other so much, we have each other's email passwords etc... I NEVER logged into his account(s) cause he never gave me a reason to "check up on him".

Boundaries is a good thing to have, and to determine!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

But as much as I love the idea of no friends of the opposite sex, the truth is that no amount of buffer can keep a marriage safe from infidelity, unless the two people live on the moon and there is no one else. My opinion is that the very best thing you can to is to tend your marraige as you would tend a garden. Daily. Get rid of the weeds (resentment and doubt); share your fears, fertilize (love, affection, sex). The journey of a marriage that stands the test of time is not an agreement not to cheat, it's a daily affirmation of love and respect for the other.

I also want to applaude this. Anne, you're exactly right that you can't shelter your spouse from all temptation.

The majority of affairs happen in the workplace--I've seen statistics ranging from 60% to 75% of affairs starting this way--and it makes sense. These are people you see every day. People you get to know well. People you respect. My own husband works with a few attractive and very brilliant women. I can see how TGal's scenario could happen without the spouse even realizing it had gone that far...a little flirtation for an ego boost and suddenly you've crossed a line.

This subject is a bit close to my heart right now because my sister is having a relationship with a married man and it breaks my heart. Not for my sister, but for this man's family.

For those of you who've gone through this or are in the midst of this, my heart goes out to you. I can only imagine how hurt you must feel.

 

[Lauren8211]

If my choice is between being "naive" and not trusting my husband, I'll choose naive every day. If my husband is going to cheat, he's going to do it regardless of any rules that I've placed on my marriage. If feelings just *happen* without realizing it, what does a no opposite sex friends rule really do? Nothing.

I married my husband for a reason - so that I don't have to worry about this.

 

[elrohwen]

Like Elledizzy, I'm pretty shocked at how many of you have rules governing opposite sex friendships. DH and I have many opposite sex friends and neither of us would think anything of the other being alone with them. If he's going to cheat, it's not because I let him hang out with a female friend after work one day when I wasn't there. We also work in a mostly male environment, and most of my friends are male - I have had a lot of experience spending one-on-one time with guys and I think I would know by now if that kind of "temptation" would cause me to slip, but it has never occurred to me, precisely because I'm happy in my marriage. If a time comes that I'm unhappy in my marriage and being alone with a man is a temptation I can't resist, then we have much bigger issues in our marriage that need to be addressed.

 

[lucyandroger]

Just as I said that I cannot even conceive of him ever doing that to me, on the flip side I also cannot imagine feeling any differently about him under any circumstances, no matter what he does. It sounds insane, I'm sure, but it's the truth. I love that man, I want to share my life with him, and nothing is going to change that.

I feel the same way.

My SO is my family; if another family member did something to hurt me, I would be hurt, but they would still be family. That doesn't change.

This is exactly how I feel.

Haven, I just love reading your posts about your marriage - such genuine emotion flows through.

 

[y2kitty]

I have a male friend of 10 years. My SO let me vacation alone with him 2 months ago. I do not cheat on my SO. Someone asked him why he was ok with the vacatiom. He said if I was going to cheat, I didn't need to go on vacation to do it. I could not fathom not being allowed to have friends of the opposite sex. I have many male friends, however, we do not discuss sex at all. They could be abstinent/virgins/gay for all I know. I think discussing sex with your friends crosses the line from them being friends to them being something else.

 

[Tuckins1]

No, i'm not really worried about it. We are very open and honest people. We tell each other if something is wrong or bothering one of us. If it were to happen (from either side) it's totally over. We discuss things like this from time to time and are completely devoted to each other. (For now at least) If that EVER changes, we will discuss it and decide what to do from there.

 

[bee*]

I am very surprised at how many of you don't allow opposite sex friends. Shocked, even. I think cheating happens when things at home are not going well. I don't see how having a friend of the opposite sex would make you stray if you were happy.

me too! Aside from my DH, I have 3 best friends. 2 of them are male. There was no way I was going to drop them when I started dating my DH. I go out alone with them and also we all go out as a group together. I've gone out drinking alone with them etc. I am in no way attracted to them sexually and can 100% say that we will never ever go there. My DH meets all my needs in that respect. DH also has female friends who he meets up with. Most of them have become really good friends of mine also.
In terms of us talking about fidelity, I'm also of the opinion that if either of us does it, the marriage is over. I could never trust him again and he feels the same about it. However I'm also like Haven in that I can't imagine feeling that way about him.

 

[Laila619]

DH and I have a 'no opposite sex friends' rule as well. We are each other's best friend. We didn't feel the need to keep opposite sex friendships going once we got married, nor did we feel it was appropriate. Having boundaries is a GOOD thing. It has nothing to do with trust, and everything to do with being a team, a united front that no one else can be a part of.

Also, this is just my personal experience of course, but I always felt that my friendships with guys had sort of a flirty undertone to them, where one party sort of liked the other. They didn't ever truly seem like a real friendship. So that's why it was easy for me to cut them loose when I got married.

 

[fieryred33143]

I don't know if infidelity will be a deal breaker. I like to say that it would but considering everything we would lose, it's not that easy of a choice for me. I hope to never cross that path.

We don't have friends of the opposite sex really, unless you count coworkers. FI and I really enjoy hanging out with each other so the majority of our friends are other couples. When we do hang out alone, it's with same sex only because we hang out alone with our closest friends which happen to be the same sex.

I have thought about this topic a lot though. One of FI's friends was a serial cheater. He has been with the same woman for 16 years now (since they were 17 years old). For the first 8 years, he cheated on her (physically) constantly. In those 8 years, they had 2 children.

They are obviously still together and she claims that he is a changed man. She believes that they were too young when they got together and that his exploring was just part of him growing up. Why she felt the need to stay with him while he was out "exploring" I will never know (my guess is low self esteem) but I do wonder if there is some truth around men being able to change once they mature.

 

[TravelingGal]

For those of you who are OK with opposite sex friends...I meant NEW ones. I certainly trust TGuy with all his old ones...he married ME not THEM. But would you all really not raise an eyebrow if your DH met someone new and wanted to spend a lot of one on one time with a new gal pal?

 

[somethingshiny]

hugs to anon.

ditto anne. That is also protecting the marriage and I completely agree.

ditto laila. My relationships also had a flirty tone to them. Like I said, I'm a very sexual person. I give a lot to friendships and have to draw a line in the sand when it comes to men.

Speaking honestly, although I truly believe I will always be faithful to my husband, I think I have a higher risk of straying than he does. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I think it shows an understanding of self. I was never a slut, DH was my first and only. But, I know that I NEED sex more than he does.

 

[TravelingGal]

OK, read the rest of the thread more carefully...

Wanted to give hugs to anon, Maisie and athenasworth. Maisie, I really hope your DH learned his lesson and understands what he almost lost in you.

Anne, well said. I especially loved the part about reaffirming the love each day vs. pacts not to cheat. So true.