Infidelity

[Italiahaircolor]

My feelings on this subject are very cut and dry...

Many years ago I was engaged to another man...and well, he cheated on me. Without going into the details, I'll just say that I learned what my breaking point is and the experience of being on the receiving end has shaped how I feel about the whole subject.

I am one of those people who KNOW (not think, but KNOW) I can't move past infidelity. I admire those who can, but I'm cut from a different cloth. Back in the day we tried everything to work through the deception, and I was unable to get to that place where I could separate him and us from what he did. I eventually kicked him to the curb, morned what could have been and moved on with my life--after the initial sadness passed, I did get to a place where I knew I was off being free. Reflecting back now, I know that our life would have been defined by nothing more than what he had with someone else no matter how long we stayed together.

So, in short, if my husband ever cheated on me...I'd be so gone. I could never stay in a relationship and work on it all the while knowing that he'd "worked on it" with someone else. You're both either 110% or you're 110% out.

I don't think rules, or stipulations on a marriage either prevent nor encourage cheating...I really believe that it goes to moral compass of a person. It goes to your worth in their life and how they value you (vice versa, of course too). Do they respect your feelings? When you're partner cheats on you, it cuts you to the quick, it takes you down to raw nerves and it makes you question everything about yourself (from you character to your sex appeal and everything in between)...so, if and when someone loves you enough to make you their husband or wife, they'd should never knowingly or willingly cause you that kind of pain (or, that's what I believe).

 

[TravelingGal]

Italia! Good to see you!

 

[somethingshiny]

hi, italia!

 

[trillionaire]

This thread has been an interesting read. I think the way that I feel is a mix of many of the previous posts.

We don't have a firm "rule" about opposite sex friends, but we do have an understanding. We both agree that for the most part, post-college, people do no invest time to become close friends with someone of the opposite sex whom they are not interested in/attracted to. We both make conscious decisions not to cultivate these types of relationships, unless they are in group or couple contexts. We were long distance for 5 years, and I think that it makes it easy to trust each other 100% now and in the future. We both maintain friendships with college, hs, etc friends, and it hasn't been a problem. If he wants to meet up with a female friend, I am usually invited. If I can't make it, or don't want to go, he is welcome to go alone. I agree with others that you can't stop someone from cheating if they are going to do it. I also agree with Haven and others who say that they can't fathom it ever happening. I really can't. We've been together for 7 years, no hiccups, but it is the genuineness of my husband that makes me certain. His integrity is impeccable, in all situations.

I'm also a hardliner. Cheating, physical abuse, are DEALBREAKERS. I also understand the the ambiguity of the word 'cheating' is difficult. Physical, emotional, what is the line, etc. To be clear, I told DH that if he even kissed another woman, I would leave him. I do take fidelity that seriously, and as far as he is concerned, that is the line. Internally, sex is definitely the line, not sure about kissing. It's a huge violation, but I'm not sure that I could throw my marriage away for a kiss. It's hard. I've only kissed two people. I've only been intimate with DH. If he has sex with someone else, I feel like a sacred bond would be shattered. We couldn't have the same relationship after that, so I would have to go.

I also don't get why so many people give a pass to emotional cheating. It just "happens"? Are people really so unaware of themselves? Having been long distance for 5 years, I went out by myself all the time, went out drinking with guys (including my ex, with DH's blessing) and groups, participated in innocent flirting with people who would have definitely wanted more if it was available, etc. I was always VERY AWARE of if and when I was attracted to someone, or when I was upset with then BF, and I made sure not to cultivate relationships with those people. People knew that they would see me out socially, but I was not available to talk on the phone, via text, etc. If they inboxed me on FB, I responded on their walls. I had nothing to hide, and DH always knew where I was, who I was with, and what I was up to. Everyone always knew that I was in a relationship, and I never acted in a way that disrespectful to DH. Likewise, I was out of town a few weeks ago, and FI went out to a club for a b-day party with some of his sorority sisters. He was out til almost 3am, drinking, dancing and having fun with a crowd full of women. We both trust each other to check ourselves. I don't think that artificial limitations would change anything. I agree that people can indulge in risky behavior that is avoidable, but ourrelationship is happening in the real world, which includes temptation. I think it's a lot like raising kids... you create the best foundation that you can, and then you have to let them out in the world, trust that you did the best that you could and hope that they make the right kinds of choices.

 

[reader]

Quick reply here: John asked for an open relationship, so that there would be no jealousy/anger issues, especially since we live five hours apart at present. I agreed with wry amusement: I am about the only female John isn't terrified of. I know he checks my emails and snoops my phone, he will do this right in front of me. I snoop back right in front of him. I think he will get over the open phase pretty soon.

 

[ImperfectGirl]

Before DH, I was in a long term relationship (8 yrs) with a guy I just 'knew' I'd marry. Like all relationships we had ups and downs. I also had many guy friends at the time and I ended up cheating with one of them. I didn't plan it and I didn't even really think he was that attractive. But when my boyfriend and I were having problems, he was there to listen and he was the one I confided in mostly because he was there physically. We spent a lot of time together. Anyway, I can remember thinking to myself after it happened - how on earth did I get here? Once the emotional bond was built, it was fast, furious, and almost blindsided me. The relationship with my boyfriend did not end because of my infidelity but ended a few years later.

Fast forward a few years and I met and married my DH. Because of what I described above, we do not have opposite sex friends. I just know firsthand that if all stars are aligned it can happen to anyone and I'm still shocked sometimes that it happened to me. I truly loved my ex and never thought I was capable of hurting him like that. DH and I just want to protect our marriage in every way we can so for us, no same sex friends works.

I also know that for me, cheating in a marriage is not black and white. Although I'd be hurt, I can't say that I'd leave DH if he cheated. I know I'd give everything I've got in an attempt to work it out and he feels the same way.

 

[HollyS]

Every marriage has the potential for problems. No one is safe.

It starts with a communication breakdown. It progresses because each person starts protecting him/herself. And it will slide downhill from there. Often into infidelity. Or just simply taking each other for granted, until they wake up one day to find themselves roommates with someone they hardly know or like. I fear the latter more than the former.

Sometimes people work to renew the relationship, and others prefer to walk away. But it always starts with communication. Long before someone strays. Long before they emotionally check out of the marriage.

No one knows, really, how they would handle infidelity in their marriage - - until it happens to them. And there is no right answer.

 

[trillionaire]

Italia! Good to see you!

+1

 

[elrohwen]

For those of you who are OK with opposite sex friends...I meant NEW ones. I certainly trust TGuy with all his old ones...he married ME not THEM. But would you all really not raise an eyebrow if your DH met someone new and wanted to spend a lot of one on one time with a new gal pal?

I think there's a difference between new friends who are exclusive to one spouse and those that are friends with both spouses. I was friends with guys at work and would occasionally go out alone for a happy hour with them. DH was invited every time, but he worked over an hour away from my work, so he rarely joined us. If I had decided to go out with one of these friends and never invited DH to meet him, or didn't tell DH we were getting together, that would be weird, IMO, but I don't see anything wrong with friends that we can share, even if the person is mostly friends with one spouse.

DH and I also have mutual friends he made through his work and there's no issue with him hanging out one-on-one with one of the women members of the group. If I had never met her or DH tried to keep her from me, we would have a whole different set of issues unrelated to whether or not we're allowed to have opposite sex friendships.

Honestly, any new friends that we don't share in some way just seems strange. I have made new gfs since being with DH, but I would feel strange spending tons of time with my new gal pal and leaving him at home every time - DH is often invited to dinner with one of my gfs, because he has become friends with her too. Of course if we were going shopping for shoes and getting our nails done, DH wouldn't be invited, but there are plenty of social opportunities where he can come if he wants. For me the problem is in excluding one's spouse all of the time in order to spend a lot of time with someone else. As long as things are open, and both spouses know the friends and are invited to join on occasion, it doesn't matter to me what gender they are.

I live by the rule that I wouldn't do anything away from DH that I wouldn't do in front of him and this extends to friendships and being one-on-one with a man. There are new opposite sex friendships that are inappropriate, but that doesn't mean that all are, or even the majority.

 

[that_someone_special]

God, I should really go ANON for this, but whatever.... the last guy I dated before DH cheated on me and gave me chlamydia. Thank god that's all and it's treatable. Kicked his butt so far to the curb I think I gave him road rash

Because of that, DH and I have a "pact" if cheated ever does happen be up front and honest about it, and NO doin-it with the other person until you tell them.

If that makes sense. The last thing I need is to be cheated on... AND THEN get an STD.

 

[that_someone_special]

Italia! Good to see you!

+1

Hi!!

 

[february2003bride]

Italia! Good to see you! Hope you stick around!

I'm really surprised by the number of people who say they and their spouse can't have opposite sex friends. Sadly, we've had a few couples that we are friends with have their marriages end in divorce due to cheating. None of the cheating spouses cheated with a friend but all of them with co-workers.

 

[that_someone_special]

re: opposite sex friends...

DH is a person magnet. Everyone loves him. Including the ladies I don't care as long as it's not two specific women that I hate. And actually one of those women moved and is now just a few blocks away. I hate her. HATE her. They are not allowed contact because I felt she was pushing their friendship in a really inappropriate way and I wouldn't stand for that.

 

[elrohwen]

God, I should really go ANON for this, but whatever.... the last guy I dated before DH cheated on me and gave me chlamydia. Thank god that's all and it's treatable. Kicked his butt so far to the curb I think I gave him road rash

Because of that, DH and I have a "pact" if cheated ever does happen be up front and honest about it, and NO doin-it with the other person until you tell them.

If that makes sense. The last thing I need is to be cheated on... AND THEN get an STD.

That's absolutely horrible, Bean

 

[TravelingGal]

For those of you who are OK with opposite sex friends...I meant NEW ones. I certainly trust TGuy with all his old ones...he married ME not THEM. But would you all really not raise an eyebrow if your DH met someone new and wanted to spend a lot of one on one time with a new gal pal?

I think there's a difference between new friends who are exclusive to one spouse and those that are friends with both spouses. I was friends with guys at work and would occasionally go out alone for a happy hour with them. DH was invited every time, but he worked over an hour away from my work, so he rarely joined us. If I had decided to go out with one of these friends and never invited DH to meet him, or didn't tell DH we were getting together, that would be weird, IMO, but I don't see anything wrong with friends that we can share, even if the person is mostly friends with one spouse.

DH and I also have mutual friends he made through his work and there's no issue with him hanging out one-on-one with one of the women members of the group. If I had never met her or DH tried to keep her from me, we would have a whole different set of issues.

Honestly, any new friends that we don't share in some way just seems strange. I have made new gfs since being with DH, but I would feel strange spending tons of time with my new gal pal and leaving him at home every time - DH is often invited to dinner with one of my gfs, because he has become friends with her too. Of course if we were going shopping for shoes and getting our nails done, DH wouldn't be invited, but there are plenty of social opportunities where he can come if he wants. For me the problem is in excluding one's spouse all of the time in order to spend a lot of time with someone else. As long as things are open, and both spouses know the friends and are invited to join on occasion, it doesn't matter to me what gender they are.

key words...you went out OCCASIONALLY with THEM. You did not go out OFTEN with HIM.

We are part of a social group with 10 couples (TGuy and I met all of them after we met each other). There are times when a husband hangs out with the gals without his wife present for whatever reason, but I will say that in the 5+ years I've been in this group, no spouse has ever spent repeated (or even once actually) one on one time with another of the opposite sex in the group. Doesn't happen.

As with your DH's coworker, if it works for you (and obviously it does) I say more power to you. Sounds like your DH is a trustworthy guy. But here's another reason why I don't think one on ones (those that happen with frequency) are a good idea. The DH might not be interested above friendship, but the woman may start to fall for the DH because he's charming, nice, obviously in love with his wife and gosh, why can't *I* meet someone like this? (or, why can't make lame-ass of a husband be like this?) The nice DH may be inadvertently drawing that woman in. In the end, that's not my problem, but I don't want to tempt some poor other woman with my hot husband because I'd feel sorry for her!!!

 

[TravelingGal]

re: opposite sex friends...

DH is a person magnet. Everyone loves him. Including the ladies I don't care as long as it's not two specific women that I hate. And actually one of those women moved and is now just a few blocks away. I hate her. HATE her. They are not allowed contact because I felt she was pushing their friendship in a really inappropriate way and I wouldn't stand for that.

Yup, this is what I was talking about in my post...some people are so wonderful, they leave carnage in their wake without meaning to!

 

[TravelingGal]

God, I should really go ANON for this, but whatever.... the last guy I dated before DH cheated on me and gave me chlamydia. Thank god that's all and it's treatable. Kicked his butt so far to the curb I think I gave him road rash

Because of that, DH and I have a "pact" if cheated ever does happen be up front and honest about it, and NO doin-it with the other person until you tell them.

If that makes sense. The last thing I need is to be cheated on... AND THEN get an STD.

Ugh. Sorry to hear that.

 

[somethingshiny]

Oh, bean, that's awful!! I know a woman whose husband cheated on her and gave her something "incurable." We're not really friends and I don't know what exactly it is, but I do know that she felt she couldn't leave him because she could never be with anyone else. I just think that's the worst cheating story ever!

 

[trillionaire]

For those of you who are OK with opposite sex friends...I meant NEW ones. I certainly trust TGuy with all his old ones...he married ME not THEM. But would you all really not raise an eyebrow if your DH met someone new and wanted to spend a lot of one on one time with a new gal pal?

I think there's a difference between new friends who are exclusive to one spouse and those that are friends with both spouses. I was friends with guys at work and would occasionally go out alone for a happy hour with them. DH was invited every time, but he worked over an hour away from my work, so he rarely joined us. If I had decided to go out with one of these friends and never invited DH to meet him, or didn't tell DH we were getting together, that would be weird, IMO, but I don't see anything wrong with friends that we can share, even if the person is mostly friends with one spouse.

DH and I also have mutual friends he made through his work and there's no issue with him hanging out one-on-one with one of the women members of the group. If I had never met her or DH tried to keep her from me, we would have a whole different set of issues unrelated to whether or not we're allowed to have opposite sex friendships.

Honestly, any new friends that we don't share in some way just seems strange. I have made new gfs since being with DH, but I would feel strange spending tons of time with my new gal pal and leaving him at home every time - DH is often invited to dinner with one of my gfs, because he has become friends with her too. Of course if we were going shopping for shoes and getting our nails done, DH wouldn't be invited, but there are plenty of social opportunities where he can come if he wants. For me the problem is in excluding one's spouse all of the time in order to spend a lot of time with someone else. As long as things are open, and both spouses know the friends and are invited to join on occasion, it doesn't matter to me what gender they are.

I live by the rule that I wouldn't do anything away from DH that I wouldn't do in front of him and this extends to friendships and being one-on-one with a man. There are new opposite sex friendships that are inappropriate, but that doesn't mean that all are, or even the majority.

I agree with much of what you said. We don't go out socially on a frequent basis... maybe once every 4-6 weeks? It would be very strange indeed if DH or I started hanging out solo all of the time. Of course DH would be invited to come to almost any event I was attending, and he feels the same way. I have frequently attended his work happy hours and functions... I know the players. I've been at my job for 6 months, and he hasn't met my co-workers yet, but we haven't had any events to invite him to yet. We have one coming up in December, and I hope that he will attend I can't imagine how I would feel if DH felt that he had to restrict my interactions with other men. We are a unit, but we are still individuals. He doesn't have to ask my permission to be social anyway, he let's me know what is going on because he wants me to know, and vice versa. I can also understand the precautions taken by those who have been cheated on and hurt. I can't imagine what that would do to my psyche.

 

[elrohwen]

For those of you who are OK with opposite sex friends...I meant NEW ones. I certainly trust TGuy with all his old ones...he married ME not THEM. But would you all really not raise an eyebrow if your DH met someone new and wanted to spend a lot of one on one time with a new gal pal?

I think there's a difference between new friends who are exclusive to one spouse and those that are friends with both spouses. I was friends with guys at work and would occasionally go out alone for a happy hour with them. DH was invited every time, but he worked over an hour away from my work, so he rarely joined us. If I had decided to go out with one of these friends and never invited DH to meet him, or didn't tell DH we were getting together, that would be weird, IMO, but I don't see anything wrong with friends that we can share, even if the person is mostly friends with one spouse.

DH and I also have mutual friends he made through his work and there's no issue with him hanging out one-on-one with one of the women members of the group. If I had never met her or DH tried to keep her from me, we would have a whole different set of issues.

Honestly, any new friends that we don't share in some way just seems strange. I have made new gfs since being with DH, but I would feel strange spending tons of time with my new gal pal and leaving him at home every time - DH is often invited to dinner with one of my gfs, because he has become friends with her too. Of course if we were going shopping for shoes and getting our nails done, DH wouldn't be invited, but there are plenty of social opportunities where he can come if he wants. For me the problem is in excluding one's spouse all of the time in order to spend a lot of time with someone else. As long as things are open, and both spouses know the friends and are invited to join on occasion, it doesn't matter to me what gender they are.

key words...you went out OCCASIONALLY with THEM. You did not go out OFTEN with HIM.

We are part of a social group with 10 couples (TGuy and I met all of them after we met each other). There are times when a husband hangs out with the gals without his wife present for whatever reason, but I will say that in the 5+ years I've been in this group, no spouse has ever spent repeated (or even once actually) one on one time with another of the opposite sex in the group. Doesn't happen.

As with your DH's coworker, if it works for you (and obviously it does) I say more power to you. Sounds like your DH is a trustworthy guy. But here's another reason why I don't think one on ones (those that happen with frequency) are a good idea. The DH might not be interested above friendship, but the woman may start to fall for the DH because he's charming, nice, obviously in love with his wife and gosh, why can't *I* meet someone like this? (or, why can't make lame-a$$ of a husband be like this?) The nice DH may be inadvertently drawing that woman in. In the end, that's not my problem, but I don't want to tempt some poor other woman with my hot husband because I'd feel sorry for her!!!

Well, by occasionally I meant that I went to happy hour with these guys, or one guy, every other week for a while - until my travel schedule got too hectic. At that point, I usually traveled with one male co-worker and spent every meal eating with him exclusively, so I would say I have a lot of experience in a one-on-one environment. There has never been temptation and DH has never had an issue with it. In the same vein, DH is welcome to hang out with a female friend from our group of friends. Yes, it would be weird if he tried to exclude me on purpose, or went out of his way to hang out with one specific person all of the time, but as long as neither of us feel uncomfortable with the situation we don't have a problem. Like I tried to say above, I would also feel left out if DH got some new guy friend and started spending all of his free time at the bar and not inviting me - the gender isn't really the issue - the issue is that he's avoiding me an our marriage to hang out with someone else all the time.

There are many ways to have an inappropriate opposite sex friendship, but there are also many other ways to avoid spending time with your spouse and to cheat - people who are inclined to cheat (because the marriage is bad, because they're just cheaters, or whatever) are going to be the ones who put themselves into that inappropriate situation and then carry on with it.

Like I said before, I think cheating happens regardless of the rules and regulations placed on friendships. If DH wanted to cheat, he would find a way to do it. Allowing him to hang out one-on-one with a friend (who I also know and am friends with) on an occasional basis isn't going to cause anybody to cheat.

 

[dragonfly411]

For those of you who are OK with opposite sex friends...I meant NEW ones. I certainly trust TGuy with all his old ones...he married ME not THEM. But would you all really not raise an eyebrow if your DH met someone new and wanted to spend a lot of one on one time with a new gal pal?

I think there's a difference between new friends who are exclusive to one spouse and those that are friends with both spouses. I was friends with guys at work and would occasionally go out alone for a happy hour with them. DH was invited every time, but he worked over an hour away from my work, so he rarely joined us. If I had decided to go out with one of these friends and never invited DH to meet him, or didn't tell DH we were getting together, that would be weird, IMO, but I don't see anything wrong with friends that we can share, even if the person is mostly friends with one spouse.

DH and I also have mutual friends he made through his work and there's no issue with him hanging out one-on-one with one of the women members of the group. If I had never met her or DH tried to keep her from me, we would have a whole different set of issues.

Honestly, any new friends that we don't share in some way just seems strange. I have made new gfs since being with DH, but I would feel strange spending tons of time with my new gal pal and leaving him at home every time - DH is often invited to dinner with one of my gfs, because he has become friends with her too. Of course if we were going shopping for shoes and getting our nails done, DH wouldn't be invited, but there are plenty of social opportunities where he can come if he wants. For me the problem is in excluding one's spouse all of the time in order to spend a lot of time with someone else. As long as things are open, and both spouses know the friends and are invited to join on occasion, it doesn't matter to me what gender they are.

key words...you went out OCCASIONALLY with THEM. You did not go out OFTEN with HIM.

We are part of a social group with 10 couples (TGuy and I met all of them after we met each other). There are times when a husband hangs out with the gals without his wife present for whatever reason, but I will say that in the 5+ years I've been in this group, no spouse has ever spent repeated (or even once actually) one on one time with another of the opposite sex in the group. Doesn't happen.

As with your DH's coworker, if it works for you (and obviously it does) I say more power to you. Sounds like your DH is a trustworthy guy. But here's another reason why I don't think one on ones (those that happen with frequency) are a good idea. The DH might not be interested above friendship, but the woman may start to fall for the DH because he's charming, nice, obviously in love with his wife and gosh, why can't *I* meet someone like this? (or, why can't make lame-a$$ of a husband be like this?) The nice DH may be inadvertently drawing that woman in. In the end, that's not my problem, but I don't want to tempt some poor other woman with my hot husband because I'd feel sorry for her!!!

Well, by occasionally I meant that I went to happy hour with these guys, or one guy, every other week for a while - until my travel schedule got too hectic. At that point, I usually traveled with one male co-worker and spent every meal eating with him exclusively, so I would say I have a lot of experience in a one-on-one environment. There has never been temptation and DH has never had an issue with it. In the same vein, DH is welcome to hang out with a female friend from our group of friends. Yes, it would be weird if he tried to exclude me on purpose, or went out of his way to hang out with one specific person all of the time, but as long as neither of us feel uncomfortable with the situation we don't have a problem. Like I tried to say above, I would also feel left out if DH got some new guy friend and started spending all of his free time at the bar and not inviting me - the gender isn't really the issue - the issue is that he's avoiding me an our marriage to hang out with someone else all the time.

There are many ways to have an inappropriate opposite sex friendship, but there are also many other ways to avoid spending time with your spouse and to cheat - people who are inclined to cheat (because the marriage is bad, because they're just cheaters, or whatever) are going to be the ones who put themselves into that inappropriate situation and then carry on with it.

Like I said before, I think cheating happens regardless of the rules and regulations placed on friendships. If DH wanted to cheat, he would find a way to do it. Allowing him to hang out one-on-one with a friend (who I also know and am friends with) on an occasional basis isn't going to cause anybody to cheat.

My aunt travels for work quite a bit. She has several male co workers who travel with her. It is international and domestic travel, and they will generally pick one night on a trip to go out and have drinks as a group. These same guys do the same thing at home, and she often joins, sometimes with my uncle, sometimes not. There is no issue, as there is no attraction, and they have been her friends for a very long time. Uncle understands that and really couldn't care less. I think he quite enjoys them. I agree with what you said Elro.... if it's going to happen.... they'll find a way to make it happen.

 

[TravelingGal]

For those of you who are OK with opposite sex friends...I meant NEW ones. I certainly trust TGuy with all his old ones...he married ME not THEM. But would you all really not raise an eyebrow if your DH met someone new and wanted to spend a lot of one on one time with a new gal pal?

I think there's a difference between new friends who are exclusive to one spouse and those that are friends with both spouses. I was friends with guys at work and would occasionally go out alone for a happy hour with them. DH was invited every time, but he worked over an hour away from my work, so he rarely joined us. If I had decided to go out with one of these friends and never invited DH to meet him, or didn't tell DH we were getting together, that would be weird, IMO, but I don't see anything wrong with friends that we can share, even if the person is mostly friends with one spouse.

DH and I also have mutual friends he made through his work and there's no issue with him hanging out one-on-one with one of the women members of the group. If I had never met her or DH tried to keep her from me, we would have a whole different set of issues.

Honestly, any new friends that we don't share in some way just seems strange. I have made new gfs since being with DH, but I would feel strange spending tons of time with my new gal pal and leaving him at home every time - DH is often invited to dinner with one of my gfs, because he has become friends with her too. Of course if we were going shopping for shoes and getting our nails done, DH wouldn't be invited, but there are plenty of social opportunities where he can come if he wants. For me the problem is in excluding one's spouse all of the time in order to spend a lot of time with someone else. As long as things are open, and both spouses know the friends and are invited to join on occasion, it doesn't matter to me what gender they are.

key words...you went out OCCASIONALLY with THEM. You did not go out OFTEN with HIM.

We are part of a social group with 10 couples (TGuy and I met all of them after we met each other). There are times when a husband hangs out with the gals without his wife present for whatever reason, but I will say that in the 5+ years I've been in this group, no spouse has ever spent repeated (or even once actually) one on one time with another of the opposite sex in the group. Doesn't happen.

As with your DH's coworker, if it works for you (and obviously it does) I say more power to you. Sounds like your DH is a trustworthy guy. But here's another reason why I don't think one on ones (those that happen with frequency) are a good idea. The DH might not be interested above friendship, but the woman may start to fall for the DH because he's charming, nice, obviously in love with his wife and gosh, why can't *I* meet someone like this? (or, why can't make lame-a$$ of a husband be like this?) The nice DH may be inadvertently drawing that woman in. In the end, that's not my problem, but I don't want to tempt some poor other woman with my hot husband because I'd feel sorry for her!!!

Well, by occasionally I meant that I went to happy hour with these guys, or one guy, every other week for a while - until my travel schedule got too hectic. At that point, I usually traveled with one male co-worker and spent every meal eating with him exclusively, so I would say I have a lot of experience in a one-on-one environment. There has never been temptation and DH has never had an issue with it. In the same vein, DH is welcome to hang out with a female friend from our group of friends. Yes, it would be weird if he tried to exclude me on purpose, or went out of his to hang out with one specific person all of the time, but as long as neither of us feel uncomfortable with the situation we don't have a problem.

There are many ways to have an inappropriate opposite sex friendship, but there are also many other ways to avoid spending time with your spouse and to cheat - people who are inclined to cheat (because the marriage is bad, because they're just cheaters, or whatever) are going to be the ones who put themselves into that inappropriate situation and then carry on with it.

Like I said before, I think cheating happens regardless of the rules and regulations placed on friendships. If DH wanted to cheat, he would find a way to do it. Allowing him to hang out one-on-one with a friend (who I also know and am friends with) on an occasional basis isn't going to cause anybody to cheat.

I agree that if people want to cheat, they can find a way to do it (although see my thoughts on "want" below). With any of my friends in the social group I mentioned, I wouldn't care if once in awhile TGuy hung out with them, but honestly - not sure why there would be a premeditated need? Maybe to get advice on job hunting, or some other mundane topic.

I have to eat with coworkers on the road one on one all the time. No big deal. But TGuy and I do have an understanding on this: If for whatever reason you're chatting to the opposite sex one on one, do not complain about your spouse to him/her. If you need to vent about your spouse, while it's best if you can bring it up to one another asap, if you have to vent, talk to someone of the same sex.

I know, I'm archaic, but hey. And FWIW, we have these rules mostly for me, as between the two of us, I'd be the most prone to cheat, if only because of opportunity.

As I said though...people usually don't WANT to cheat. If TGuy WANTED to cheat, there are a million ways he could do it and no rule would stop him. What I'm talking about it being preventative as much as possible. I will tell you that many people who cheat are not INCLINED to cheat. Nothing is really *wrong* in their marriage. They are not cheaters normally. They are not slimebuckets. SOMETHING happened and caught everyone, including the cheater, offguard. Situations become inappropriate before you realize it (or can admit that somehow, in hindsight, you may have put yourself there). Anyone who believes that their spouse will ONLY cheat if he WANTS to cheat is a little naive. What he WANTS is excitement. Something NEW. No matter what we do, NEW is not something a longtime spouse can provide. Ideally, both husband and wife know that deep and true LOVE are harder to come by than NEW, and continue to cultivate the love.

 

[fieryred33143]

I guess this is timely.

I follow a food blog and within that blog she had protected blog entries documenting her husband's infidelity. The woman was an old high school friend who he started talking to through FB. The wife found out they were having an affair when the woman's husband contacted her. The husband didn't deny it.

She decided to work on it. This all happened in April.

She hasn't posted anything about it since August. Today she made another entry.

He has cheated again.

With the same woman.

In their house while she was out on business and their son sleeping in the room.

Once a cheater, always a cheater? Makes you think, no?

 

[TravelingGal]

I guess this is timely.

I follow a food blog and within that blog she had protected blog entries documenting her husband's infidelity. The woman was an old high school friend who he started talking to through FB. The wife found out they were having an affair when the woman's husband contacted her. The husband didn't deny it.

She decided to work on it. This all happened in April.

She hasn't posted anything about it since August. Today she made another entry.

He has cheated again.

With the same woman.

In their house while she was out on business and their son sleeping in the room.

Once a cheater, always a cheater? Makes you think, no?

No, I don't think that. Because I believe people can learn from their mistakes. But like learning to single space after a full stop vs double spacing, it takes a lot of conscious effort.

 

[les12]

I agree that if people want to cheat, they can find a way to do it (although see my thoughts on "want" below). With any of my friends in the social group I mentioned, I wouldn't care if once in awhile TGuy hung out with them, but honestly - not sure why there would be a premeditated need? Maybe to get advice on job hunting, or some other mundane topic.

I have to eat with coworkers on the road one on one all the time. No big deal. But TGuy and I do have an understanding on this: If for whatever reason you're chatting to the opposite sex one on one, do not complain about your spouse to him/her. If you need to vent about your spouse, while it's best if you can bring it up to one another asap, if you have to vent, talk to someone of the same sex.

I know, I'm archaic, but hey. And FWIW, we have these rules mostly for me, as between the two of us, I'd be the most prone to cheat, if only because of opportunity.

As I said though...people usually don't WANT to cheat. If TGuy WANTED to cheat, there are a million ways he could do it and no rule would stop him. What I'm talking about it being preventative as much as possible. I will tell you that many people who cheat are not INCLINED to cheat. Nothing is really *wrong* in their marriage. They are not cheaters normally. They are not slimebuckets. SOMETHING happened and caught everyone, including the cheater, offguard. Situations become inappropriate before you realize it (or can admit that somehow, in hindsight, you may have put yourself there). Anyone who believes that their spouse will ONLY cheat if he WANTS to cheat is a little naive. What he WANTS is excitement. Something NEW. No matter what we do, NEW is not something a longtime spouse can provide. Ideally, both husband and wife know that deep and true LOVE are harder to come by than NEW, and continue to cultivate the love.

Great advice not to discuss problems in your marriage with anyone of the opposite sex.

I understand that for some people, having friends of the opposite sex is ok. For some people it is not. For me, why take the risk of having additional temptation right in front of either of us? Any relationship I have with another man that does not involve my husband is not worth the possibility of it developing into something further. LIke someone said earlier, majority of my needs (and complete sexual needs) are fulfilled by my husband, the rest can be fulfilled by a girlfriend. Other people are ok with their spouse having friends on the side that they don't know, and I'm happy for those people, I just want to take all precautions necessary. We have a long life ahead of us!

 

[Autumnovember]

I don't know that this necessarily warrants a new thread, but the Eva and Tony divorce got me thinking.

It seems like everywhere you look nowadays infidelity is thrown in your face. In the media, on television, in everyday life amongst friends. Does it ever make any of you paranoid?

I might seem a little naive for saying this, but sometimes I worry that one day down the line temptation may enter my marriage. I trust my husband completely and know in my heart he would never do something so hurtful to me (and never has even remotely in our 8+ years together) but still I can't shake the fact that it's everywhere! Seeing (possibly bogus) "studies" about the percentage of men or women who cheat on their spouses sends chills down my spine!

My husband and I have discussed this before. It's been determined, if cheating occurs in our marriage, it is over. I simply would not tolerate it and I would never expect him to either.

Anyway, does this ever cross anyone else's mind? I know, I know, if I'm confident in our marriage I don't need to worry about it. I have my own theories for why I am so paranoid but I won't get into that now haha!

I think its naive to think he would never do it or better yet, hasn't already.

Maybe thats because I know a ton of married couples where one of the persons involved is/has cheated and the other person and does not have the slightest clue.

 

[les12]

I think its naive to think he would never do it or better yet, hasn't already.

Maybe thats because I know a ton of married couples where one of the persons involved is/has cheated and the other person and does not have the slightest clue.

Well, I can safely say that my husband has never cheated on me.
But you are right, it happens all the time without the other spouse's knowledge.

 

[Autumnovember]

I think its naive to think he would never do it or better yet, hasn't already.

Maybe thats because I know a ton of married couples where one of the persons involved is/has cheated and the other person and does not have the slightest clue.

Well, I can safely say that my husband has never cheated on me.
But you are right, it happens all the time without the other spouse's knowledge.

Eh. I'm not talking about only during your marriage, I'm talking about the ENTIRE relationship from beginning to now.

 

[les12]

I think its naive to think he would never do it or better yet, hasn't already.

Maybe thats because I know a ton of married couples where one of the persons involved is/has cheated and the other person and does not have the slightest clue.

Well, I can safely say that my husband has never cheated on me.
But you are right, it happens all the time without the other spouse's knowledge.

Eh. I'm not talking about only during your marriage, I'm talking about the ENTIRE relationship from beginning to now.

Yep, that's what I'm talking about too.

 

[fieryred33143]

I think its naive to think he would never do it or better yet, hasn't already.

Maybe thats because I know a ton of married couples where one of the persons involved is/has cheated and the other person and does not have the slightest clue.

Well, I can safely say that my husband has never cheated on me.
But you are right, it happens all the time without the other spouse's knowledge.

Eh. I'm not talking about only during your marriage, I'm talking about the ENTIRE relationship from beginning to now.

Have you or your FI cheated on each other as of date? Do you expect that one or both of you will cheat in the future?