Infidelity

[jaysonsmom]

Hugs to all of you who have been or are going through infidelity issues.

I think I'm a good judge of character, I can usually tell if a coworker of the opposite sex is overstepping friendly boundaries, and is "testing" the waters to see if there is a chance I'd cheat. I have had to go on business travel with male coworkers, and some of them I'd feel totally comfortable going out to dinner with (especially if we are in a city where we don't know other people), and some I'd decline to go to dinner with, instead opting to order room service and eat by myself. I think if there is a lot of flirting going on, whether innocent or not, you're treading in dangerous waters and it's time to reign everything in. I know for myself, it'd never happen. My husband fulfills all of my needs (at this point in time) I can't say that in 20 years when the kids are grown up, and have left the house that I will feel the exact same.

I'm lucky that dh does not have an ounce of flirtatiousness in him, he also works in a field dominated by men, so he doesn't even have anyone of the opposite sex to flirt with. He doesn't have any friends of the opposite sex, and he hardly notices women (IMO). I usually point out attractive women to him, and he'd say: "Nope, my wife is hotter". Whether it's true or not, that totally sets my mind at ease. We are also together almost 24/7, he wouldn't have a chance to cheat if he wanted to!

Together we only hang out with other couples who I trust 150%. I tend to distance myself from people of questionable intent. I believe all our couple friends are genuinely in love with each other, and will be with each other for the long haul. Even if their relationships don't make it, I know that they would never think about 'stealing' someone else's man. Birds of a feather flock together, so be picky with the people you surround yourself with.

 

[Autumnovember]

I think its naive to think he would never do it or better yet, hasn't already.

Maybe thats because I know a ton of married couples where one of the persons involved is/has cheated and the other person and does not have the slightest clue.

Well, I can safely say that my husband has never cheated on me.
But you are right, it happens all the time without the other spouse's knowledge.

Eh. I'm not talking about only during your marriage, I'm talking about the ENTIRE relationship from beginning to now.

Have you or your FI cheated on each other as of date? Do you expect that one or both of you will cheat in the future?

No and no but I think because of all the people that I've seen cheat who ARE married, I'm skeptical about things like this.

A best friend of mine swore up and down that she nor her SO would ever cheat on each other and NEVER have, found out a few months ago that her SO cheated on her. This isn't the only person I've been friends with that has found out a spouse cheated after thinking for years and years that he would never ever do such a thing.

 

[Maisie]

Hi Italia!! I am so happy to see you!

In our situation G was in a very selfish place. He and I were going through some issues, not enough (I thought) to make him go off and find someone else. He was only interested in how he was feeling and didn't give any thought to how it would affect me. He was appalled and ashamed when he saw how it devastated me. Not immediately though. It took time for him to crawl out of his selfish cave and take a proper look at my pain. I went through a whole gamut of emotions. Anger, hate, sorrow, grief and eventually managed to forgive him. I remember posting a lot about what I was feeling on FB and finding so much support - for which I am truly grateful.

I have forgiven him. BUT, I am not a pushover. He can't hurt me that way again. I couldn't even bring myself to speak to him again if he did. I believe in forgiveness and reconcilliation. But I don't believe I should keep putting myself in the way of pain like that.

 

[trillionaire]

http://www.infidelityfacts.com/infidelity-statistics.html

 

[zoebartlett]

Here are my thoughts, although I'm joining in late:

SS -- I don't really believe in soul mates either. I like the *idea* of the term but like you said, that's a LOT to put on one person. I don't think there's just ONE person out there for everyone either. I truly believe in fidelity though. Not that we're talking about this, but I know people who have had open relationships, but to me, that borders on cheating. It's flirting with the idea, if you will.

My husband and I don't have any rules for having friends of the opposite sex. I've never heard of that before until reading this thread, actually. We have talked about hypotheticals -- what if one of us cheated on the other -- but I don't think you truly know what you'd do until you're faced with it. I can't say *for sure* that I'd leave my husband if he cheated. Yes, of course there would be trust issues, but I can't say that I'd definitely leave him. As Athena (I think) said, it's not black and white.

I'm not sure that I can say that *I* see cheating everywhere, as someone mentioned (sorry, I can't remember who). Yes, it's in the media so I do hear about it occasionally, but it doesn't affect any of my family or friends (or me) personally. I only actually know 3 people who have cheated on their spouse, and 2 were just distant acquaintances.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

As I was reading this thread, a niggling little thought came into my head. So, a question (and a follow-up) about not having friends of the opposite sex.

What about the possibility of a same sex affair? It happens, very often involving people which no one suspected of any homossexual tendencies (I have seen this twice).

And, if physical attraction to the same sex is out of the question, what about an emotional affair with a same sex acquaintance? Some "best friends" are very close to this.

 

[Haven]

I understand that it's difficult to accept that some people believe that they or their SO will never cheat.

This is how I see it:

We all draw boundary lines for ourselves in our lives. Each of us has some sort of personal belief system about behaviors/choices/actions that are unacceptable, for whatever reason, and that belief system informs every single choice we make in life. From this, we develop images of ourselves, about the type of people we are and the type of things we are capable of doing, and we stick to those images, and they drive much of our behaviors.

Some of us become vegetarians and refuse to eat meat. Some of us refrain from swearing and never know the joy of calling another person an asshat in a fit of rage. Some of us swear off fast food and would never even consider eating at McDonald's. There are so many things we tell ourselves we just *don't* do, and in my opinion, that perception shapes our behavior, and thus we don't do it.

There are couples who swear and scream and say terrible things to each other in anger. I could never conceive of doing that to my husband, or of him doing that to me. That's a line we drew in the sand, and we *tell* ourselves we don't do that, and thus we don't do that. There are married individuals who regularly flirt with people, and again, we just don't do that.

I think the difference between those who believe their SO would never cheat and those who believe their SO could cheat is very small--I think it's an issue of perception and not one of reality or statistics or probability. My husband and I have very clear ideas about the boundaries we want to maintain with others, and we maintain those boundaries because they inform our self perceptions, and thus, our choices.

As always, I'm having a difficult time clearly communicating what I'm trying to say. My reflections about this issue are largely informed by the fact that I grew up in a VERY non-traditional home in the middle of the suburbs where everyone else behaved pretty much the same. We were very strange compared to everyone else, and I spent a lot of years wondering at the differences in the behavior that my family found acceptable and right versus the behavior that everyone else found acceptable and right. The boundaries were so clearly drawn based on our self perceptions and expectations. At least, as far as I saw it.

 

[somethingshiny]

Haven~ As always, your point does come across! I agree with you to an extent. Mind over matter is what I usually refer to it as.

Lady~ If my DH were to have a homosexual affair (I still hope that he would tell me first and divorce me, but I digress) that would be his true identity. If he was in the closet so to speak and was able to come out, although I'd be completely devastated by the loss of my marriage, I'd be happy that he could be his "real" self.

I am very close to a couple of my girlfriends. One of them even knew I was pregnant before DH. She was with me when I peed on the stick. I don't think there could ever be anything that best friends can't talk about or share. If my best friend was a guy, that borders on emotional affair but I feel differently if it's a girl.

 

[natascha]

First of all I am pretty shocked over the idea of having the typ or rules some of you have. But then people are usually shocked at the rules me and my fiance have. We never get drunk, happy yes but never to the level of it affecting our ability to make decisions. Yes you could get into inapropriate situations because you were not thinking, like described before in this thread, but if you kiss another person or more that is something you decide to do.

My fiance and I don't have a problem with having friends of the other sex, he did his military stint wih some girls sharing a tent and showeres etc, he has gone on cruises sharing a cabin with mixed friends, I have gone on vacation with mixed friends, etc. We talk about everything and basically live in each others pockets, we always know where the other is, we have each others passwords, we can just pick up the others phone and go thru it, etc.

I am completly confident that there will be no cheating, of course it could happen but then that would not be the problem, it would just be an expression of something deeper. You know what worries me? Something that I think much more dangerous to a relationship and that is not discussed enough: developing feelings for someone else. That worries me, there is no fullprof way against it except being the only people on the planet. But since I cannot change that except in that we are both in accord that should it happen we would talk about it and remove ourselves from the situation as soon as possible, I do ot usually think about it.

I guess I am wierd, I don't see there being a temptation to cheat if the feelings are not there. Animal lust can be controlled for a time, feelings are much more complicated.

 

[1beauti]

My husband and I talk about this all of the time.

I am very surprised at how many of you don't allow opposite sex friends. Shocked, even. I think cheating happens when things at home are not going well. I don't see how having a friend of the opposite sex would make you stray if you were happy.

oh how boring life would be without friends of the opposite sex. I get along better with my male friends than most of my female friends. ( less drama ). I think the percentage is MUCH higher for infidelity in a marriage than not. When you think he/ she won't cheat, think again. He/ she just hasn't been caught!
There is physical cheating and emotional cheating, and in this day and age with texting (sexting), e-mail , and Internet, it's so easy to give into temptation and carry on an emotional affair, if not physical!

 

[Girlrocks]

As I was reading this thread, a niggling little thought came into my head. So, a question (and a follow-up) about not having friends of the opposite sex.

What about the possibility of a same sex affair? It happens, very often involving people which no one suspected of any homossexual tendencies (I have seen this twice).

And, if physical attraction to the same sex is out of the question, what about an emotional affair with a same sex acquaintance? Some "best friends" are very close to this.

Agreed!

i know of 2 couples in my neighborhood where the women cheated with other women.

And for me, cheating is an absolute deal-breaker, no matter whether it be physical or emotional, and my husband knew this from our 4th date when we started getting serious. I stayed wayyyyyy too long with someone who cheated on my...at first only once ("I swear baby it was a slip-up, I would never do it again") to the 2nd time, then the 3rd time, etc. and each one was promised to be the last. I think once someone cheats and gets away with it, it just becomes easier and more comfortable for them to continue doing and getting away with.

 

[iLander]

I don't want to say I'm immune to being blindsided (my sister was blindsided and they have a happy marriage today and were never the PDA types) but I have a lot of confidence. So much that neither of us feels threatened by the prospects of nights out on the town w/o the other, strip clubs, or close friendships with the member of the opposite sex.

A DH that goes to strip clubs always worries me. I think that if he can go to a strip club, then on some level he objectifies women. He can separate a woman's body from the fact that she is somebody's daughter, possibly mother or sister. I think this might be okay BEFORE he is in a steady relationship, but after he finds his "true love", I don't like it.

 

[lelser]

Like Elledizzy, I'm pretty shocked at how many of you have rules governing opposite sex friendships. DH and I have many opposite sex friends and neither of us would think anything of the other being alone with them. If he's going to cheat, it's not because I let him hang out with a female friend after work one day when I wasn't there. We also work in a mostly male environment, and most of my friends are male - I have had a lot of experience spending one-on-one time with guys and I think I would know by now if that kind of "temptation" would cause me to slip, but it has never occurred to me, precisely because I'm happy in my marriage. If a time comes that I'm unhappy in my marriage and being alone with a man is a temptation I can't resist, then we have much bigger issues in our marriage that need to be addressed.

I feel the same way. We've been together nearly 20 years, married for over 16. I don't know anyone happier in their marriage than we are, or having more fun but we certainly DO have opposite sex friends. Heck, for years we've traveled with opposite sex colleagues.

This year he's coming with me to Africa, but last year I met up at the hotel with two male colleagues and worked there for 5 days. We're all happily married, and we (and our respective spouses) are comfortable that nothing is EVER going to happen.

My marriage is the most important thing in my life and I treat it as such. It's iron, not glass. If we keep it from rusting, we don't need to worry about wrapping it in cotton wool to keep it from breaking. Everyone's life and relationship is different, though, and we all need to work within our own comfort zones.

Cheers,
Lisa
www.lisaelser.com

 

[Autumnovember]

I don't want to say I'm immune to being blindsided (my sister was blindsided and they have a happy marriage today and were never the PDA types) but I have a lot of confidence. So much that neither of us feels threatened by the prospects of nights out on the town w/o the other, strip clubs, or close friendships with the member of the opposite sex.

A DH that goes to strip clubs always worries me. I think that if he can go to a strip club, then on some level he objectifies women. He can separate a woman's body from the fact that she is somebody's daughter, possibly mother or sister. I think this might be okay BEFORE he is in a steady relationship, but after he finds his "true love", I don't like it.

What if the couple goes TOGETHER?

 

[MonkeyPie]

Our relationship is not governed by rules or guidelines, but expectations. I expect him to put me first and vice versa. As a result, I don't fear him having female friends (the only one I have ever had a problem with was his ex, because SHE has no boundaries) nor do I mind him hanging out with them alone. And he feels the same for me. Personally, I think that putting that kind of harsh line in the sand just makes a person want to jump over it.