Interracial Dating...

[nessvan12]

I''m curious to hear from other ladies in PS land about the topic of interracial dating. More specifically, if you are an interracial couple, is it ever an issue? Obviously,not between the two of you or you wouldn''t be together, but for other people? Strangers? Your families?

I ask because just last weekend and SO and I were out having dinner at an upscale restaurant, 3 women, (older and caucasion), kept glancing at us and rolling their eyes and overall being obnoxious.

It happens more times than I''d like in all types of settings and I''m thinking--This is freaking 2008, come on. Oh, my SO is white and I am from Belize although I consider my race to be black.

There have been some cultural clashes in our families, but nothing that can''t be worked out/worked on. I have had some members of my own family say things like- will your kids even look like they belong to you? I know they mean well, but I just think things like that are in poor taste to say. We''ve been together for 7.5 years and this is it...like it or leave it, we are going to be together.

Guess this was a little bit of a vent too. Anyone experience things like this or in similar situations?

 

[TravelingGal]

Nessvan, where do ya live? Maybe they were looking at you because you''re so gorgeous?

We''re an interracial couple, but I''m Korean and he''s white. Maybe it''s more "accepted". Or maybe it''s because we live in LA and no one seems to care. I sometimes forget I''m Korean. He sometimes forgets he''s white. I KNOW I sometimes forget he''s white...he loves Korean food so darn much. In the beginning of our relationship, I''d catch myself speaking to him in Korean...

No cultural clashes in our familes. My mom even said she''s so excited to meet TTot, because half babies are so much cuter than asian babies. I told her she''s biased (and I don''t agree with that, btw) and I''d like to hear her tell my brother that, since his wife is Korean! TGuy''s family is quite simply the best. Even his 82 year old grandma is so excited to have a part "oriental" great grandchild.

However, I daresay if I were Japanese, I *might* have had problems with TGuy''s family (older generation). Apparently his grand-uncle suffered a lot during the war at the hands of the Japanese and died shortly thereafter. Everyone has their prejudices, I suppose.

 

[Erin]

When I lived and worked in dt Chicago I went on a few dates with a very highly educated well dressed black man. He was from the UK and had an accent.
Well let me tell you. The black women who saw us out together had nothing but condescending looks for me, while the black men would either wink or scowl.

I think it comes from the deep rooted feeling that like should be with like. On a surface level everyone''s okay with it. On a personal level there is resentment and jealousy. Inside they''re questioning - what''s so special about you that you can''t be with your own kind? Do you have a problem with your own kind? Are they not good enough for you? Are you just experiementing? Are you doing it for shock value cause surely you can''t have THAT much in common. Lucky you, you''re the type of person that appeals to more than your own race, do you think that makes you special? If you''re so special what''s wrong with dating someone like ME?
So it becomes a reflection of themselves. What''s wrong with me?

There''s something inspiring and free about looking beyond race and culture and finding love.
There''s also something infringing and threatening for others to blindly witness it.
For many it''s something they see on tv but don''t get to watch in person and they feel like they can watch you like tv because it''s intriguing. (rude)
Others are looking for a way to make sure you know, not everyone feels like should be with not-like.

Ultimately their behavior is a reflection on their own unhappiness or narrow mindedness.
I remember it was hard to not only not let those looks bother me, but to learn to stop looking around expecting a reaction.

 

[MoonWater]

Hi Nessvan,

I'm black and my boyfriend is white (specifically Italian, German, and Irish but he really got those Italian genes strongly). We mostly get looks from black men who for some odd reason think they own black women and that my bf shouldn't have the right. We also get looks from black women but they don't seem negative as much as they seem to find us intriguing. White people generally don't make an issue of it and I think it's due to a lot of the political correctness in the world. But a couple of times we have gone places and had the strange feeling we weren't being treated the same as everyone else at the establishment. This was in a restaurant in a predominantly wealthy white area. It's a very odd feeling for sure. ETA: I do notice that white women our age always look at him and then look at me and you can tell it's a sorta...a weird jealousy feeling I get from them. But that may simply be because he's hot hahaha...ahem.

We always forget our races. I mean, we don't literally forget, but it is never an issue. We're also different by class as he grew up in the suburbs with a middle class family and I grew up in the inner cities (some ghetto) with a poor single mother. So we get to exchange a lot of info on our perspectives of the world and strangely we overlap very significantly in our views.

We always joke that it's our duty to breed and destroy the races by making sure everyone is mixed hehe.

His family worried that we would encounter problems but that was their only concern. His parents treat me like I'm their own child. My mother is crazy so one minute she was cool with his race, the next she'd be like "why couldn't she be with a black man"...as if she did well in that department.

The most important members of my family, to me, my aunt and brothers, don't have a problem with him. My aunt says, if a man treats you right, that's what's important.

 

[TravelingGal]

I think "minority" cultures tend to be more possessive of their own...as if there is going to be some shortage or something. I know a lot of Korean men who don''t like to see Korean women with white men (or any other race). I have never gotten a "look" from a white woman for dating a white man...enough for everyone, maybe?

Either way, I always joke that I had to import my husband anyway. 300 million Americans, and notta one would have me.

 

[QOTDR]

I think it''s cultural and regional. I have friends who are white and adopted a child from China. The rude comments she gets from Chinese men and women are unbelieveable! They believe it is wrong for us to adopt their unwanted children. People actually will turn their backs on them. It''s really sad.

 

[KimberlyH]

A couple that DH and I are friends with are an interracial couple, they have been married for 7 years. She was born and raised in France, moved to Canada to attend college in her early 20s and then moved to the US to be with her husband; she never experienced discrimnation of any sort until she moved to North America. Both she and her husband have been on the recieving end of negative recieve attention for their relationship, but this doesn''t happen too often. Perhaps this has to do with where we live (Southern CA)? She is very outspoken and has no problem letting people know when they''ve crossed a line with her, so I''m sure if someone was bold enough to act inappropriately towards them she would put them in their place. Hers is an interesting perspective because she''d never been identified as black until she left France.

 

[Diamond Confused]

Hi Nessvan. I'm sorry you've had to encounter such ignorant people.

I'm Mexican and my boyfriend is white. I'm talking as white as they come. His family is from a small town in middle America where they still use the term "colored" people. Luckily however we haven't encountered any problems.

I was a little apprehensive about meeting his grandmother since she's quite old and traditional but she has always been very nice. As far as my parents are concered, they LOVE him. The race thing never comes up with either family. His parents love me too.

Like traveling Gal, I live in LA where it's as common as a sunny day! I do joke around though and tell him that when we have kids and go out in public, people are going to think I'm the nanny

The one thing I do notice though is the culture clash thing. I think that when it comes to raising our children it may be a problem. It's little things but I think they'll cause minor conflicts nonetheless. My parents particularly my mom came from an upper middle class family in Mexico and in their culture, parents are financially responsible for their children until they get married. This is particularly the case with daughters. My boyfriends family is all about helping through college but only woth the bare minimum and once the kid is done with school that's it, no more. I want to be like my parents and he thinks that's spoiling them. We've gotten into arguments over this.

 

[nessvan12]

Well we live in South Texas. Generally the people who look at us strangly are older white and black women. Men of any race seem to be indifferent and so do most people we encounter in our generation. I guess the older generation is resistant to change or stuck in old mindsets? I dunno. I do know that it can be frustrating! Thanks for all your input!

 

[nessvan12]

Date: 2/6/2008 4:43:18 PM
Author: Diamond Confused
Hi Nessvan. I''m sorry you''ve had to encounter such ignorant people.

I''m Mexican and my boyfriend is white. I''m talking as white as they come. His family is from a small town in middle America where they still use the term ''colored'' people. Luckily however we haven''t encountered any problems.

I was a little apprehensive about meeting his grandmother since she''s quite old and traditional but she has always been very nice. As far as my parents are concered, they LOVE him. The race thing never comes up with either family. His parents love me too.

Like traveling Gal, I live in LA where it''s as common as a sunny day! I do joke around though and tell him that when we have kids and go out in public, people are going to think I''m the nanny

The one thing I do notice though is the culture clash thing. I think that when it comes to raising our children it may be a problem. It''s little things but I think they''ll cause minor conflicts nonetheless. My parents particularly my mom came from an upper middle class family in Mexico and in their culture, parents are financially responsible for their children until they get married. This is particularly the case with daughters. My boyfriends family is all about helping through college but only woth the bare minimum and once the kid is done with school that''s it, no more. I want to be like my parents and he thinks that''s spoiling them. We''ve gotten into arguments over this.

lol, we have the same joke about me being the nanny too! how funny...

 

[idreamofice]

Like Travelinggal, I am Korean and my FI is white. I''ve never gotten any rude looks or comments but then again I really don''t pay that much attention to people in general. It has never been a issue for us so far. I really don''t think it''s a big deal around here. It really makes me sad that some people have issues with interracial couples...

PS - Travelinggal - My FI LOVES Korean food as well...who wouldn''t? It''s soooo gooood

 

[RLG]

This topic really can get me going. It is horrible that people still do this stuff in this day and age. My parents when they got married in the 70''s (mom is black, dad is white) had a tough time and their stories are just so hard to hear. I on the other hand obviously have no problem with interacial dating because it dosent matter who I date its interacial

. By the way I hate the check which race box you are on forms, I just check them both or leave them blank. Either way I hope things get easier and your families decide that your happiness is what is important.

 

[zilaras]

I am white and my SO is Cuban. We haven''t had any problems with our families. Sure there are sometimes some uncomfortable moments when I am stuck in a conversation spoken in Spanish that I can only catch every 5th word of with his grandparents- or when he came to my parent''s house for Thanksgiving and they couldn''t believe he had never had pumpkin pie. Other than that- no big deal.

Strangers though...I don''t have a particular incident that has really made my blood boil. However, once and while there will be a look from someone....that makes me feel that I SHOULD feel out of place -which I don''t ....and this all seems to occur in restaurants...what''s with restuarants and those stares...

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Wow, how rude.

I hate to see things like this happen to people. I do think it is regional. For example, I live in the South, but some areas within the South are worse than others. It drives me crazy when people just like instantly call us all racist, because we are not all racist. Sure, there are a lot of racists left, but it''s not that overwhelmingly obvious unless you are in certain areas (mainly including very small predominately white towns). You''ve been together a long time. Who cares what other people think, right? Oh and I am sure your kids will be beautiful.

 

[FrekeChild]

I''m white, and my BF is half white/half Mexican. I don''t notice it in the slightest but it''s probably because here in NM 42% of the population is Hispanic of some sort, with small percentages of Asian/African/Pacific Islander and 9.5% Native American with the rest being white. Also, he doesn''t really look one race or another and has actually been mistaken for being a Pacific Islander when he was in Hawaii.

His sister has always had African American boyfriends and both of her sons are 1/2 black, 1/4 white, 1/4 Mexican but the younger one looks completely black. She actually looks more white than Mexican, and when she''s out with her son they get lots of weird looks, unless her boyfriend (who is black) is with them.

 

[diamondfan]

I know it can be an issue, sad that this is so. I know that some people are still in the dark ages about stuff like that. I actually knew an African American guy in L.A. who had a Korean girlfriend and they both had to keep their relationship a secret because of what they said were cultural issues. Love is love, it is not about packaging.

PS...Eurasian and other blended ethnicities...some of the most stunning exotic looking people in the world...so much more interesting!

 

[Clio]

I''m white and my husband is Vietnamese. We''ve really had no issues in the past 15 years - or at least none that I''ve noticed. Both of our families were very welcoming - including my grandmother who not only had the racial views of southerners of a bygone generation but also grew up in China, where the Vietnamese are very much looked down upon. She embraced our relationship with open arms, however, and pretty much planned our wedding.

From strangers, I''ve never noticed any poor treatment or dirty looks. This includes when we were living in the deep, deep South and in south Texas. Now we live in DC where it''s really not an issue. I''d estimate that at least 25% of my kids'' classmates come from multiracial/multiethnic families.

The only problem I''ve ever had is when I''m out with just my older daughter, who looks very Asian. On a couple of occasions people have asked if she''s adopted. Even that is pretty rare, though - 2-3 times in 10 years. It doesn''t happen much anymore because except for her eyes and her coloring, she looks just like me.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 2/6/2008 5:01:31 PM
Author: idreamofice

Like Travelinggal, I am Korean and my FI is white. I''ve never gotten any rude looks or comments but then again I really don''t pay that much attention to people in general. It has never been a issue for us so far. I really don''t think it''s a big deal around here. It really makes me sad that some people have issues with interracial couples...

PS - Travelinggal - My FI LOVES Korean food as well...who wouldn''t? It''s soooo gooood

Well, some of it IS an acquired taste. I was shocked when TGuy loved kimchee right away. I thought, he''s definitely a keeper. And he''s had some things I have never (and WOULD never) eaten before. Like live octopus. Or that cocoon crap (puhn-dae-ghee). Bleech!

 

[sunnyd]

I dated a Vietnamese guy in high school, and one time we were walking around San Francisco and a homeless man (who I''m guessing was part of the war) made some crazy racist comment. That was the only time I ever experienced negativity though, thankfully.

LOL about the nanny thing! My Samoan friend has a 1/2 white baby (who is VERY white), and she says people look at her all the time like a nanny. Oy, people!

 

[Sha]

Date: 2/6/2008 4:16:32 PM
Author: TravelingGal
I think ''minority'' cultures tend to be more possessive of their own...as if there is going to be some shortage or something. I know a lot of Korean men who don''t like to see Korean women with white men (or any other race). I have never gotten a ''look'' from a white woman for dating a white man...enough for everyone, maybe?

Either way, I always joke that I had to import my husband anyway. 300 million Americans, and notta one would have me.

Interesting thread!

I''m black/Caribbean. In the places I''ve lived, there seems to be a shortage of marriage-able black men in the 20 - 40 age range. For that reason a lot of black women get angry when they see a black man dating a woman of another race. It''s like - "there goes another one..." or as Starset mentioned, "What''s wrong with me?" , "Why do you have to go outside your race to find love when there are so many good, beautiful, intelligent single sisters out there?" Black women are also LESS likely to cross racial lines than black men are, so it diminishes their romantic prospects even more - hence the anger towards interracial couples.

When the dating pool is full of romantic prospects (perhaps like in Caucasian circles?), then interracial dating becomes less of an issue, IMO.

 

[idreamofice]

Date: 2/6/2008 7:36:59 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 2/6/2008 5:01:31 PM
Author: idreamofice

Like Travelinggal, I am Korean and my FI is white. I''ve never gotten any rude looks or comments but then again I really don''t pay that much attention to people in general. It has never been a issue for us so far. I really don''t think it''s a big deal around here. It really makes me sad that some people have issues with interracial couples...

PS - Travelinggal - My FI LOVES Korean food as well...who wouldn''t? It''s soooo gooood

Well, some of it IS an acquired taste. I was shocked when TGuy loved kimchee right away. I thought, he''s definitely a keeper. And he''s had some things I have never (and WOULD never) eaten before. Like live octopus. Or that cocoon crap (puhn-dae-ghee). Bleech!

Lol...no, no octupus or cocoon for me. I''ll stick with bulgogi and kimchi I''m not THAT adventurous.

I just don''t get to eat as much korean food as I''d like. Maybe every few months or so...just when I go home (Houston). I haven''t found any good Korean restaurants in Austin...

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 2/6/2008 8:07:23 PM
Author: idreamofice


Lol...no, no octupus or cocoon for me. I''ll stick with bulgogi and kimchi I''m not THAT adventurous.

I just don''t get to eat as much korean food as I''d like. Maybe every few months or so...just when I go home (Houston). I haven''t found any good Korean restaurants in Austin...

I have been to Austin several times (in fact, I should be there right now at a tradeshow but can''t because I''m preggers) and I don''t believe there are any good Korean restaurants. However here in LA, there are a ton! In fact, I had a craving, so hubby and I are going to a restaurant tonight. Yay!

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 2/6/2008 7:57:28 PM
Author: Sha


I'm black/Caribbean. In the places I've lived, there seems to be a shortage of marriage-able black men in the 20 - 40 age range. For that reason a lot of black women get angry when they see a black man dating a woman of another race. It's like - 'there goes another one...' or as Starset mentioned, 'What's wrong with me?' , 'Why do you have to go outside your race to find love when there are so many good, beautiful, intelligent single sisters out there?' Black women are also LESS likely to cross racial lines than black men are, so it diminishes their romantic prospects even more - hence the anger towards interracial couples.

Hmm...maybe that explains the looks of intrigue we get from black women. Giving them ideas?

This thread reminded me, everyone should check out a PBS documentary called Journey Of Man. It follows the human blood line from Africa and explains how we populated the world and how our skin color and features changed over the years. Essentially, we are all the SAME race, so people are freaking out over nothing.

 

[sera]

I''m white and my FI is Hispanic. I never have problems with strangers (when I was dating a black-Japanese guy we got looks). Our families don''t have a problem with it. Like TG said, it depends where you''re living, too. I''m in L.A. as well, so it''s just not an issue here. Now, move us up to Paso Robles, CA and then we would have a prob.

We joke around with each other about the differences and the stereotypes (Diamond Confused, that''s hilarious about the nanny!) The only "problems" arise out of being brought up in different cultures.

 

[idreamofice]

Date: 2/6/2008 8:23:52 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 2/6/2008 8:07:23 PM
Author: idreamofice


Lol...no, no octupus or cocoon for me. I''ll stick with bulgogi and kimchi I''m not THAT adventurous.

I just don''t get to eat as much korean food as I''d like. Maybe every few months or so...just when I go home (Houston). I haven''t found any good Korean restaurants in Austin...

I have been to Austin several times (in fact, I should be there right now at a tradeshow but can''t because I''m preggers) and I don''t believe there are any good Korean restaurants. However here in LA, there are a ton! In fact, I had a craving, so hubby and I are going to a restaurant tonight. Yay!

Oh you lucky gal....Enjoy your dinner...and congrats on the little one

.

Sorry..threadjack over.

 

[Luvz2Run]

Date: 2/6/2008 4:04:32 PM
Author: Starset Princess
When I lived and worked in dt Chicago I went on a few dates with a very highly educated well dressed black man. He was from the UK and had an accent.
Well let me tell you. The black women who saw us out together had nothing but condescending looks for me, while the black men would either wink or scowl.

This may be a bit off topic, but I'm just curious to know why you felt the need to mention that the black man you dated was "very highly educated."

 

[hisdiamondgirl]

Date: 2/6/2008 7:57:28 PM
Author: Sha

Interesting thread!

I''m black/Caribbean. In the places I''ve lived, there seems to be a shortage of marriage-able black men in the 20 - 40 age range. For that reason a lot of black women get angry when they see a black man dating a woman of another race. It''s like - ''there goes another one...'' or as Starset mentioned, ''What''s wrong with me?'' , ''Why do you have to go outside your race to find love when there are so many good, beautiful, intelligent single sisters out there?'' Black women are also LESS likely to cross racial lines than black men are, so it diminishes their romantic prospects even more - hence the anger towards interracial couples.

When the dating pool is full of romantic prospects (perhaps like in Caucasian circles?), then interracial dating becomes less of an issue, IMO.

This topic really makes my blood boil so I was really trying to stay away from posting on this one!!

I am Puerto Rican and my BF is black and I experience hateful looks from black women almost every single time that I am out with my BF!

Unfortunately, it has not only been looks, but I have had some unfortunate things done to me by acquaintances simply because I am with a black man!

This, despite explanations such as Sha''s above, I just do not get!!! What do I care if a "marriage-able" Puerto Rican man is dating someone who is black, white, green or purple (keeping in mind that there is also what could be viewed as a shortage of "marriage-able" Puerto Rican men in the NYC area for the same reasons that apply to black men)!! Who am I to judge someone else''s relationship and stare or be noticeably angry about the simple fact that they are interracial! This to me is ludicrous! What century are we leaving in where there is "anger" directed at an interracial couple?!?! It is ridiculous that some of these women are insecure enough to think that the relationship of two strangers has any bearing on them or their entire race!!!

Are you serious?? There is nothing wrong with the "good, beautiful, intelligent single sisters" out there! My BF just liked me for me, and fell in love with me, not with my race!!! It''s not that he doesn''t like or wouldn''t date a black woman, he just liked ME!!

I''m sorry if I offended anyone but it just makes me so angry to be judged based on the color of my or my BF''s skin.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 2/6/2008 8:23:52 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 2/6/2008 8:07:23 PM

Author: idreamofice

Lol...no, no octupus or cocoon for me. I''ll stick with bulgogi and kimchi I''m not THAT adventurous.

I just don''t get to eat as much korean food as I''d like. Maybe every few months or so...just when I go home (Houston). I haven''t found any good Korean restaurants in Austin...

I have been to Austin several times (in fact, I should be there right now at a tradeshow but can''t because I''m preggers) and I don''t believe there are any good Korean restaurants. However here in LA, there are a ton! In fact, I had a craving, so hubby and I are going to a restaurant tonight. Yay!

I love Korean food soooo much! I used to go to LA a lot for business and I always try to get some be bim bop! (I''m sure that''s completely incorrect as far as spelling goes!) A guy I used to be friends with in college is half Korean, and his (Korean) mom would make him the most delicious Korean food ever! I used to beg him for the kimchee and this delicious spicy pork dish she would make! Okay, threadjack over!

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 2/6/2008 9:03:55 PM
Author: hisdiamondgirl

Date: 2/6/2008 7:57:28 PM

Author: Sha


Interesting thread!


I'm black/Caribbean. In the places I've lived, there seems to be a shortage of marriage-able black men in the 20 - 40 age range. For that reason a lot of black women get angry when they see a black man dating a woman of another race. It's like - 'there goes another one...' or as Starset mentioned, 'What's wrong with me?' , 'Why do you have to go outside your race to find love when there are so many good, beautiful, intelligent single sisters out there?' Black women are also LESS likely to cross racial lines than black men are, so it diminishes their romantic prospects even more - hence the anger towards interracial couples.


When the dating pool is full of romantic prospects (perhaps like in Caucasian circles?), then interracial dating becomes less of an issue, IMO.

This topic really makes my blood boil so I was really trying to stay away from posting on this one!!

I am Puerto Rican and my BF is black and I experience hateful looks from black women almost every single time that I am out with my BF!

Unfortunately, it has not only been looks, but I have had some unfortunate things done to me by acquaintances simply because I am with a black man!

This, despite explanations such as Sha's above, I just do not get!!! What do I care if a 'marriage-able' Puerto Rican man is dating someone who is black, white, green or purple (keeping in mind that there is also what could be viewed as a shortage of 'marriage-able' Puerto Rican men in the NYC area for the same reasons that apply to black men)!! Who am I to judge someone else's relationship and stare or be noticeably angry about the simple fact that they are interracial! This to me is ludicrous! What century are we leaving in where there is 'anger' directed at an interracial couple?!?! It is ridiculous that some of these women are insecure enough to think that the relationship of two strangers has any bearing on them or their entire race!!!

Are you serious?? There is nothing wrong with the 'good, beautiful, intelligent single sisters' out there! My BF just liked me for me, and fell in love with me, not with my race!!! It's not that he doesn't like or wouldn't date a black woman, he just liked ME!!


I'm sorry if I offended anyone but it just makes me so angry to be judged based on the color of my or my BF's skin.

I don't blame you for being angry. I get the same way. Mainly toward the black men that give us dirty looks and say rude things, as if they ever had a chance anyway! It's crazy. I swear it will always be a guy dressed poorly and looking as if he has no job. Meanwhile I'll look professional. To me it's like, what else do you have to offer me, other than your race? People can not understand that people fall in love with more than a damn skin color. So I'm gonna grr with you

I almost wish I could give out that Journey Of Man dvd to people. There is only ONE race...it's called human.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 2/6/2008 9:06:24 PM
Author: thing2of2


I love Korean food soooo much! I used to go to LA a lot for business and I always try to get some be bim bop! (I''m sure that''s completely incorrect as far as spelling goes!) A guy I used to be friends with in college is half Korean, and his (Korean) mom would make him the most delicious Korean food ever! I used to beg him for the kimchee and this delicious spicy pork dish she would make! Okay, threadjack over!

you spelled it pretty close...although I think I''ve seen it spelled that way too. Bi Bim Bap is the way I''ve more commonly seen it.

Darn it...TGuy isn''t going to be home for awhile...