Is internet chatting cheating?

[luv2sparkle]

I, too, think it is cheating and definitely a slippery slope. How would your husband feel if he knew? How would you feel if
it was reversed.

I do understand your frustration, especially, when your spouse is not willing to work on an issue important to you. I guess this is
where the for better or worse part comes in, but my heart does go out to you.

 

[junebug17]

I'm in the same boat. Young, very interested and DH has become a lump who is only interested in the most plain vanilla. I know I'm the minority here, but, I've done the cyber thing several times. I've always used a mix of fake info (name, age, hair color etc) and have really enjoyed it. Maybe it's my selfishness talking but to me if DH is going to leave me for video games then I can sure as heck leave him for a bit of cyber fun. Anyway, I wouldn't create a penpal so to speak. I would use a chat room just for that type of thing so that each time is different and you're not giving out any personal emails, etc. Life's too short not to enjoy it (or to wait for somebody else).

Sparkly Blonde, no offense but you're doing what you're doing to get back at your husband, and that's not healthy for your marriage in the long run. But maybe you don't care at this point.

 

[onedrop]

I think every couple has their own definition of what constitutes "cheating", so I can't really answer the question without knowing what the word cheating means to you two. But generally speaking, if it involves lying, or if it's something you suspect would deeply hurt your husband (regardless of whether you think it "should" or not), then I'd be tentative about it.

I've certainly known couples who are in open relationships, and others who wouldn't even flirt with other people. I don't think there's only one right way, but I do think both people should be able to be honest and happy.

Sorry to hear about the situation, it sounds just awful.

My opinion somewhat mirrors what MakingTheGrade said in that every couple has their own definition of cheating. So I am unable to say that the type of situation proposed would be considered cheating in your marriage. In mine it would be. However, I don't know that the proposal to start some sort of pen-pal type relationship is the real answer to your problem. Yes, your sexual frustrations would be temporarily satisfied, but as someone stated above, the real issues in your relationship would not be resolved. I don't have a lot of advice to offer, but I would recommend (since you asked) to try and engage your husband a little bit more in getting him to see what pleases you and make it plain that you need more. Make him part of the solution.

I too am sorry you are going through this.

edited for spelling/grammar

 

[Miss Sparkly]

I'm in the same boat. Young, very interested and DH has become a lump who is only interested in the most plain vanilla. I know I'm the minority here, but, I've done the cyber thing several times. I've always used a mix of fake info (name, age, hair color etc) and have really enjoyed it. Maybe it's my selfishness talking but to me if DH is going to leave me for video games then I can sure as heck leave him for a bit of cyber fun. Anyway, I wouldn't create a penpal so to speak. I would use a chat room just for that type of thing so that each time is different and you're not giving out any personal emails, etc. Life's too short not to enjoy it (or to wait for somebody else).

Sparkly Blonde, no offense but you're doing what you're doing to get back at your husband, and that's not healthy for your marriage in the long run. But maybe you don't care at this point.

I disagree only because when I did tell DH he didn't care (I know by now he's forgotten I told him). I guess it just comes down to what a person considers cheating. The only time DH or I would care is if we met the person, or it was the same person all the time and became a deeper relationship. DH (and I) see things like this as a safe outlet for things that the other person may not want to do or enjoy. I just wish that his outlet wasn't video games At the end of the day it's just the two of us and that is what's important.

didn't mean for the original post to sound so passive - sorry - I'm a blunt to the point kind of person with sometimes an odd view on things

 

[Imdanny]

After reading everyone else's experiences and opinions, no, I haven't changed my mind, lol, but I think it's interesting that you talk about an on-line relationship with a specific (I assume anonymous) person instead of "chance" encounters in a chat room. Either way it would fit my definition of cheating, but having an on-line relationship with a specific person definitely sounds like a slippery slope, as others have said.

 

[lulu66]

I'm in the boat of "If you wouldn't do it in front of them, you shouldn't do it, " so yes, I do think that is cheating.

I really do feel for you, but thats not appropriate behavior to do something behind the back of your spouse. If it were me in that situation, I'd tell my husband that I was seriously considering going outside of the marriage to get my sexual needs met. Since you won't leave your marriage, I'm not sure how many options you really have. I can't tell you anything a sex therapist hasn't said already.

There is no right answer here, because you're either letting yourself down, or letting your marriage down. I hope you figure something out.

i agree w/elledizzy completely. i would view it as cheating & more importantly you're putting up another wall between you & your husband. i understand you did do sex therapy together (and i won't pretend to know exactly what that involves) but have you checked on possible medical conditions. all i can recommend is to be truthful & open. honest communication is key to any good relationship. good luck!

 

[honey22]

Yep, cheating in my book. I would be furious if I found out my hubby was carrying on like that, and vice versa.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Play with fire, and you'll get burned. Having a secret relationship that you hide from your husband is definitely playing with fire. Any time you build intimacy with another person while keeping a secret from your spouse, you are driving a wedge into your marriage. I don't think all secrets are bad; it's not like I announce to my husband every time I take care of business on my own. There is a difference between privacy and secrecy.

I can also see an activity like this being damaging in that it could become addictive and alter your priorities. Fantasy is nearly always better than reality, and this could steal intimacy from your marriage.

I'm guessing that you've already shared with your husband how important this is to you since you've tried counseling, but maybe you should let him know that this is a need, not a want, and ask him what he expects you to do to fulfill this need.

 

[TravelingGal]

Did someone say "oof" already? Because, oof...tough situation to be in.

You know, I don't know if in this case sex toys, erotic stories and the like are going to do it for you. It's not the sex I think you're after: it's the excitement - the NEW.

I've been there in terms of a bit of a sex drought. Then all of the sudden, my husband and I fell for each other all over again and now I'm the one saying "I'm tired!" And when we went through our rejuvenation, it was nice sex - good sex! But it wasn't electrifying sex, yanno? And I am not sure in our case it ever CAN be, because we've moved on to a more companionable love...deeper maybe because of the comfort level. But comfort doesn't equate to whoa nelly!

I've had times in our marriage where on the road someone would flirt with me (usually someone I know...what IS it about being married that makes people decide to hit on you??) I never did anything about it, but it was tingle-me fun! I realized that's what I was missing in my life - the zing, pow, whooowhee! Well, zingpowwhoowhee comes at a price in married life - often times the price is your marriage, and in the end, your self respect.

I didn't give in to zingpowwhoowhee. Doesn't mean I don't want it, even still. But I take the time to cultivate my relationship with my husband, knowing there will never be that razzledazzle newness again. And that's OK. What I do to seek the "new" in my life is find new interests, hobbies, and what not to satisfying my craving. Is it as exciting as sexual electricity? Nope. But it's safer than playing I-wanna-see-your-schlong on the net.

Marriage is a commitment of heart AND mind. I want my thoughts to be as much about my loving my husband as my heart is. And sometimes, that means a bit of sacrifice in my own selfish (albeit it normal) desires. It does mean learning to appreciate the more subtle, finer aspects of vanilla.

But yeah...chocolate. Oof!

 

[junebug17]

I'm in the same boat. Young, very interested and DH has become a lump who is only interested in the most plain vanilla. I know I'm the minority here, but, I've done the cyber thing several times. I've always used a mix of fake info (name, age, hair color etc) and have really enjoyed it. Maybe it's my selfishness talking but to me if DH is going to leave me for video games then I can sure as heck leave him for a bit of cyber fun. Anyway, I wouldn't create a penpal so to speak. I would use a chat room just for that type of thing so that each time is different and you're not giving out any personal emails, etc. Life's too short not to enjoy it (or to wait for somebody else).

Sparkly Blonde, no offense but you're doing what you're doing to get back at your husband, and that's not healthy for your marriage in the long run. But maybe you don't care at this point.

I disagree only because when I did tell DH he didn't care (I know by now he's forgotten I told him). I guess it just comes down to what a person considers cheating. The only time DH or I would care is if we met the person, or it was the same person all the time and became a deeper relationship. DH (and I) see things like this as a safe outlet for things that the other person may not want to do or enjoy. I just wish that his outlet wasn't video games At the end of the day it's just the two of us and that is what's important.

didn't mean for the original post to sound so passive - sorry - I'm a blunt to the point kind of person with sometimes an odd view on things

No Sparkly Blonde, you don't have to apologize, I should. I was out of line to comment on your marriage. It's none of my business, and I'm sorry. You were just voicing your perspective, opinion and experience.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

We seem to accept men seeking sexual fantasies from pornography or a Sports Illustrated calendar. But if a woman wants to enjoy some fantasy time it becomes cheating. You have to be strong to draw some very clear lines but under your circumstances (tried everything, married to a man with low sex drive who doesn't want to change) I don't see it as cheating. The only down side is the real possibility of your husband finding out or using your computer. Since he knows about your dissatisfaction in that category what would he say if you mentioned it to him?

For me, the men don't actually talk to the woman in the magazine or in the ****, and I'm fine with that. If they actually had correspondence with a real person who could interact with them, then it becomes not OK for me. I don't think there's anything wrong with **** for men or women, but actually chatting or camming with someone is crossing the line.

I can also give a nod to erotic books. Love Love Love them and I have a decent collection. Hubby doesn't mind at all!

 

[megumic]

Since a lot of pp have said what I would mention regarding your DH, I'll focus on the kids.

As an adult kid of parents who are now divorcing because one parent had an online relationship, it has torn my entire family a part. I cannot begin to describe the pain it has caused so many people in my life and how difficult it becomes when everyone finds out. The thing is, the perpetrator doesn't think anyone will ever find out. But they will. And by then it amounts to a lot of lies and deception. As a kid, it has ruined, or more like obliterated, my relationship with the perpetrating parent. Literally crushed it to pieces and has become non-existent. Being the one to find out about this, read the conversations, see the pictures, etc. was horrific. You can't not look, and your heart is breaking to pieces. If you won't not do this for your DH, at least do it for your kids. This is just my experience with it.

As an adult now married, I can understand how this could happen. However, clearly you are cognizant enough, caring enough and considerate enough to worry about what could happen. It truly seems to me that there has been a break-down in communication btw you and your DH -- you don't go looking for sexual support elsewhere if you've got it at home. I appreciate the fact that you're actively thinking through what you're contemplating and seeking out all the different perspectives of how it may play out -- you truly care enough to not just go ahead and do it.

What if you told your DH this is something you were considering doing? How would he react? Would he agree that it is acceptable? If it's something you two can agree upon as acceptable behavior, then perhaps it's not cheating on the basis of your own relationship standards -- everyone's are different.

 

[merilenda]

I basically agree with everyone who has said that it kind of depends on the couple to determine the definition of cheating. In my relationship, this would be cheating, especially if it was always with the same person. To me, there is a big difference between ****/erotica and getting gratification from another actual person (virtual in nature or not).

 

[trillionaire]

Now that I think of it, I know a couple where the husband engaged in this type of behavior. He stopped on his own accord, confessed and apologized. There was never any physical cheating. She never forgave him, left him, and they are now divorced.

 

[CaliSun]

Pom - - What a toughie... Sorry to hear about this.

Whenever in a situation like this, which can comprimise our marital vows, I always try to put myself in my hubby's shoes. That is to say, how would I feel if my hubby did what I want to do?
Honestly, I agree with many of my fellow PSr's - - there really is not a cookie cutter response. But I can say that I would be very hurt if my hunnie pie gave up on me and sought satisfaction elsewhere. I would probably feel he cheated.

I realize you're frustrated, and this does sound incredibly frustrating.
For better or worse, indeed - -hang in there, I hope better times are on the horizon.

 

[Indylady]

Yes, I think so. I don't have any advice to offer though.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I think you should talk to your husband and see if you can reach and agreement that will give you the excitement or satisfaction you want, and also within bounds he accepts.

It does not matter what we think is right or wrong or cheating or not. It matters what you two agree upon. There are lots of compromises people make in their marriages to make it work, and I personally think that as long as you both agree and no one gets hurt and especially the kids are kept out of it, then it is a-okay.

Have you ever talked to him about this and discussed your needs? Maybe that is something you can talk about with a therapist. Not how to get him to change, but how to find a compromise you can both live with.

 

[Dreamer_D]

And as usual, ditto TGal. Though I will say, a little wine, or maybe a lot, does wonders for the zingpowwhoowhee in our house

I think TGal's post raises some important issues to think about Pom. And one of them is whether or not this is really about sex at all? I think that sometimes sex becomes the focus for couples who are feeling disconnected because it is a safe thing to think about -- easier than admiting you do not feel loved or you feel uncared for, perhaps. There is less risk saying "I want more sex" than there is saying "I need more attention and love." Some people also really get a lot of their sense of being loved from sex, it is an expression of love for them, and so if sex is lacking then it bothers them a lot. But of course, in that case sex is not the issue, right? So I guess I am wondering if you are feeling connected with your husband, intimate, if you know him deeply and let him see your core self. Maybe you do have that level of deep intimacy and just want a little more bing bang boom. But it is important to rule out the alternative before you start thinking about taking steps that might actually result in more sex or excitement for you, but might also further erode your connection to your husband. That would be a big price to pay for fun, especially if the sexual needs were just masking a deeper desire for more connection to your husband. How sad would that be -- in seeking excitement to fill the gap left by a lack of intimacy with your spouse, you further decrease intimacy. Not the outcome anyone would want.

I personally think that a driving force behind sexual happiness in a relationship is trust and intimacy between partners. I have noticed as my emotional connection with my husband grows stronger and we discover new depths of intimacy in our relationship, our sex life gets better and better. It is really interesting to me that after 6 years together (not so long, but not chump change either) and having a toddler in the house, I still learn new things about him and I am still opening up more and gaining in trust as we go along. And I have noticed that as I gain in trust in him and we become more intimate friends, confidents, and partners, our sex becomes more interesting and full of abandon. Our sex is much better now than it was at the start of our relationship.

I guess my point is to think about what you really want before taking drastic steps. The fact that your husband is unwilling or unable to meet you half way in the sexual department makes me wonder if he is not as responsive as you would want in other areas of your relationship, or if he is feeling insecure and rejected and thus does not feel safe pushing his sexual boundaries with you. Both are possibilities you should explore being doing anything drastic.

 

[LAJennifer]

Ok, so this response may be "out there" so to speak - but what would he think if you got a "girlfriend"? Real life - not cyber. That may seem less threatening than some dude online. Could also give him a *spark* to break out of the vanilla.

Or just ignore me, as I clearly am not a sex therapist. But I am curious?

What was sex therapy like? Did they recognize any hangups or give you exercises to do? Did he always have the same response?

 

[JulieN]

I... am a cheater. I've never been in a relationship where I haven't cheated. Sometimes I miss the neverending man buffet of the bachelorette's life. Sometimes I'm chasing teenage dreams.

I am much unhappier with my SO after I cheat. I am unhappier with my SO even by hanging out with a prospective boytoy and entertaining the thought of cheating. Cheating opens up all of these feelings of what if? and possibilities, and stomach butterflies. And then I look at my stale SO, a little dull and dusty. How is he gonna compete with stomach butterflies and possibilities? I think, I would be happy if he was more spontaneous, or had more hair, or liked the same activities I do (or whatever.)

But this thinking is wrong. Oh, if I had just learned to be happy with what I had two years ago! I would be married to one of the most amazing men I've ever met, and my life would be a lot different than it is now. But, I digress... In short, people really need to be happy with what they've GOT. As other posters have said, by going elsewhere for your chocolate fix, you might see plain vanilla in an even worse light. The disparity and deficiencies will come into acute focus. Be happy with what you've got.

 

[Arkteia]

I know many PS-ers would disagree with me, but I think it would not be cheating in your case. One of your phrases drew my attention.

Hello all,
I feel like I'm growing older and I'm going to pass my prime without enjoying the sensual parts or life anymore.

And actually, it is serious. Your life is going on, years pass by, and if you feel unsatisfied in your sex life, then subconsciously you may be unhappy. It is your life, and something very important is missing.

I'd say, if you feel like it will make you happy, try it. Because if it goes on like this, and you continue feeling frustrated, then it may end up with real-life cheating. And it will be cheating. There is a difference between I-net exchange and real affairs. Imagine yourself reading "Lady Chatterley's Lover" together with a man and discussing it. Is it cheating? To me, not really.

The only thing... Internet relationships are dangerous, even if you stay anonymous. You are talking about intense sensual exchange, and all of us have read many stories indicating that I-net anonymity was... well, insecure.

I would also encourage you to get into individual therapy. For yourself, because you seem to be in a difficult place now and need to work through it.

 

[Nomsdeplume]

Every person has a different definition, but in my opinion cheating is anything you wouldn't do when your partner is present. Sex is important, but other than the lack of "spice", it seems that you have a good thing going. A lot of people would love to be in a marriage where vanilla sex is the only issue. If you don't want to get out of the marriage, why consider doing something that, if discovered (and it always is), will hurt not only your marriage but your whole family?
Maybe if your husband knew that this issue was so important to you that you would consider going elsewhere to satisfy those needs, he would make more of an effort.
The "butterflies" will wear off with anyone. It's natural that the chemicals released in the beginning will level off.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Even if you could rationalize the relationship outside the confines of your marriage - and even if your husband knew and was okay with it - I would caution you STRONGLY about it because whether you intend to or not, emotions often follow and get in the way. It's a wickedly slippery slope there... even when you have no guilt and your partner is okay with it. Add in the fact that your husband would likely NOT be okay with it... and there ya go.

ETA - UGH!! Sparkly Blonde's FIRST post and this one were attempted at the same time or whatever and I got busy and walked away and this didn't post.... trying again about 7 hours later..... ::sigh::

 

[galeteia]

What a difficult situation to be in!

My first thought was, it's not a simple answer, but my second (and third, and so on) is that while I am filled with horror and compassion at your situation, it's most definitely cheating if he hasn't sanctioned it. If my partner was carrying on some sort of sexy online relationship with a penpal, I would feel completely betrayed and cheated on.

I also had a thought that if it had been a man who asked me "hey, my wife has a low sex drive, and she's totally vanilla when we do have sex, so is it okay if I strike up a kinky online-only relationship with another woman?" my answer would be HELLLL NOOOO. That made me pause and realize that as much as a sympathize for your situation, it's definitely cheating.

I would recommend that you approach a therapist, on your own, for guidance. If they give you the go-ahead to explore certain options, you may do so with a light heart.

 

[AdiS]

I spent some time deliberating whether I should post in this thread or not, since I mostly just lurk these days. I decided that I might as well do it, as I have a bit of a previous experience with different sexual tastes and preferences with an ex of mine. I was the one who was too "chocolate" for him. It didn't end well, as you might've deduced from the "ex" label. But it was a lesson learned and thank God with my husband that is not an issue. Anyway, forgive me if I sound too blunt, because my intention is neither to judge, nor to hurt, just to share some thoughts as someone who's been there.

Reading your first post I get the impression that the situation you're in is not something that just came out of left field for you. You say your husband is not & never has been a physically affectionate person; that you've come to realize that his sex drive is not going to increase. It doesn't seem to me like your husband has changed over the years and became a different person. What it looks like to me is that you just kept hoping/expecting for him to change to better suit your needs/wants. His tastes are too "vanilla" for you, he's not willing to experiment and 6 months of sex therapy didn't change anything. Let me be completely honest now. What you mean here is that it didn't change him. How'd you feel if he dragged you to sex therapy because he felt your sex drive is too much, your tastes are to wild for him to handle and he felt you're too kinky/wicked? As someone who's been in this situation (being told that I'm too much, I mean), let me tell you how it feels - it feels nasty. And even worse was the idea that I should change what I am in order for us to be better suited to each other.

You know what? People are what they are. They either work together, or they don't. If you feel you and your husband have a chance to work together, despite the differences, through mutual compromise and careful, steady communication, that's wonderful. If you believe one of you have to completely change his nature in order for this relationship to work however, that's not so wonderful. And expecting by default that he's the one who has to change, is not fair. It really isn't.

The internet "penpal" option doesn't sound like a problem solving idea to me, but rather like one more thing you two will have to work out together, if your husband finds out about it. As for your question "is it really that bad if he doesn't find out about it?" - maybe he'll never know, but you will, won't you?

 

[Ara Ann]

I agree, this form of communication is cheating...

However, I have a suggestion that has not been mentioned. You said your husband has a low libido and naps on the couch a lot... Has he had his testosterone levels checked? Many guys have a low testosterone level, which contributes to disinterest in sex and leaves them with low energy as well. And it is not healthy for him either, if this is the case, low testosterone levels are linked to heart disease, depression, etc. I would really encourage him to have his levels checked, even for the sake of his over all health.

I do wish you the best though...marriage is never easy...but sometimes things can turn around and be even better than what you had hoped for.

 

[cnspotts]

I spent some time deliberating whether I should post in this thread or not, since I mostly just lurk these days. I decided that I might as well do it, as I have a bit of a previous experience with different sexual tastes and preferences with an ex of mine. I was the one who was too "chocolate" for him. It didn't end well, as you might've deduced from the "ex" label. But it was a lesson learned and thank God with my husband that is not an issue. Anyway, forgive me if I sound too blunt, because my intention is neither to judge, nor to hurt, just to share some thoughts as someone who's been there.

Reading your first post I get the impression that the situation you're in is not something that just came out of left field for you. You say your husband is not & never has been a physically affectionate person; that you've come to realize that his sex drive is not going to increase. It doesn't seem to me like your husband has changed over the years and became a different person. What it looks like to me is that you just kept hoping/expecting for him to change to better suit your needs/wants. His tastes are too "vanilla" for you, he's not willing to experiment and 6 months of sex therapy didn't change anything. Let me be completely honest now. What you mean here is that it didn't change him. How'd you feel if he dragged you to sex therapy because he felt your sex drive is too much, your tastes are to wild for him to handle and he felt you're too kinky/wicked? As someone who's been in this situation (being told that I'm too much, I mean), let me tell you how it feels - it feels nasty. And even worse was the idea that I should change what I am in order for us to be better suited to each other.

You know what? People are what they are. They either work together, or they don't. If you feel you and your husband have a chance to work together, despite the differences, through mutual compromise and careful, steady communication, that's wonderful. If you believe one of you have to completely change his nature in order for this relationship to work however, that's not so wonderful. And expecting by default that he's the one who has to change, is not fair. It really isn't.

The internet "penpal" option doesn't sound like a problem solving idea to me, but rather like one more thing you two will have to work out together, if your husband finds out about it. As for your question "is it really that bad if he doesn't find out about it?" - maybe he'll never know, but you will, won't you?

This whole thread has been really tough for me considering what I've been through the last year and this says so much in ways I could not. Thank you A.

My DH & I haven't changed but his tastes have grown and because we're married he has the idea that I pretty much "have to participate" in his growing and ever expanding adventures. He wants to live out the things he sees online now because in his mind he thinks he's missing out on something that everyone out there is doing. I've suggested he go join the **** industry to see what day in and day out would be like and that it's not real life. I have become completely turned off to his advances because it always starts an argument now. He thinks I'm not interested in sex, but I'm not interested in the sex he wants to have. I have become incredibly lonely.

This all began when our schedules differed extremely.So while I was sleeping or at work he would unwind online in the usual forums, then he started venturing into free **** sites, and eventually spending loads of time on an webiste much like yu tube for home made ****. Just the time alone was stealing from our relationship and the little bit of time we had together, not just the self indulging nature of what he was doing. After awhile I realized he was not interacting with me in normal ways but seeing me as denying him in everyway. He defintitely feels that I was keeping him from experiencing the things that married people are doing everywhere but in our house. Good lord the things I did allow him to do always led to him wanting more, more, more and left me feeling less and less of a partner and more of an outlet.

I have not been an unwilling participant over the months but I've found it escalates into things I am not interested in. Where we left off the last time becomes the starting point for next time so to speak. Stuff I used to enjoy now I keep stuffed deep inside remaining completely "vanilla" because I don't know where this time will end up taking me/us. Definitely it will end with us fighting and mad at each other.

So not only is it the sexual nature of his betrayal it's also the time stolen from our life together, the lack of comunications, and the fantasy he has created, which ultimately blames me for the demise of what actually had been a pretty good life together. Definitely a slippery slope that probably started as just a curiousity & too much time on his hands. Meanwhile our renovations have come to complete standstill, I moved out and we are barely nice to each other now. I miss the old him, I miss our marriage, I miss that he used to make me laugh so much. I hate that this is the place that we are at. We did the self help books this summer, he's open to counseling but I can tell he hopes that it'll "fix me" and that I'm the one with the "hang ups" that's wrecking things.

Sorry for the book length post.

Whatever you do I suggest caution.

 

[cnspotts]

I agree, this form of communication is cheating...

However, I have a suggestion that has not been mentioned. You said your husband has a low libido and naps on the couch a lot... Has he had his testosterone levels checked? Many guys have a low testosterone level, which contributes to disinterest in sex and leaves them with low energy as well. And it is not healthy for him either, if this is the case, low testosterone levels are linked to heart disease, depression, etc. I would really encourage him to have his levels checked, even for the sake of his over all health.

I do wish you the best though...marriage is never easy...but sometimes things can turn around and be even better than what you had hoped for.

Actually I was going to suggest this as well, it's a very good possibility. I'm on bio-identical hormones pellets because I had no testosterone and as a woman it' wreaks havoc in many ways. Thankfully I feel very normal now and have been for the last year & 1/2. My Dr has many men come in for this too. Interesting is that most insurance pays for men....not women tho. Stupid.

 

[onedrop]

cnspotts: I admire you for posting your very personal experience. I also thank you for doing so because it provides a perspective from the other side of the coin that perhaps the OP had not considered? My heart goes out to you, because it is clear that you are in a really tough situation.

 

[cnspotts]

OD, thank you, Yes, it is my intention that the OP see the otherside of what a seemingly innocent act could turn into. It's actually a bit of a relief to unload all this tho my close friends and my MIL are very aware of the situation here.