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Its a sad, sad situation ....... help please ladies

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HOLY CRAP man I am so sorry.

I have a vaguely similar story with my ex, especially in regards to talking to others on the net, he met all 24+ girls he cheated on me with online and I heard now he is marrying one because he knocked her up and couldn't ditch her or convince her to have an abortion like he did with a few others...yes he is trash and Im so glad I ditched him. Let me just say, you might love her but she evidently doesn't deserve your love, she has a lot of problems, and part of it is probably fear of settling down, which is really kind of a frustrating thing for the other party, you. You were cool about the BS on the net, which I wouldn't have been, and you were cool about the cheating, the first time. There are no more chances and there is no reason really for you to pursue her anymore, you will only cause yourself more heartache.

Cut your losses and try to sell the ring. Or yknow...give it to me. Ill put it to good use. ;)

*hug* Im sorry that your return came with such a pricetag.

Edited to add:
I recommend selling or getting rid of the ring because now it carries a stigma. You don't want your new girl to be wearing something that will remind you in any way of this situation.
 
Kevinraja, this is a very sad situation!
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I really bad feel for you but it is time for you to move on. You deserve better! This is not the type of girl you want to marry! If she has been cheating on you for nine months and then goes missing and then you don''t here from her then she must not love you. This is abuse! Distance yourself from her and take some time for yourself. Good luck and be strong.
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I think the last thing you want is wondering if a child would really be yours or someone else''s...at least DNA testing can answer those questions. But I don''t think anyone would ever want to be in that situation.

Perhaps if you have too much free time, think about getting a second job or starting a new hobby. Just keep your mind occupied with positive activities.
 
Kevin: You have had some wonderful advice already. I''ll keep it short.

1. Go on and live your life. You will find someone worthy of your love.
2. Don''t try to forget what you have learned, but don''t let it prevent you from finding someone better. Be open to a new opportunity just like you have been open with all of us.
3. Forgive her for having mistreated you. She must have very nice family and your love extends to them. Don''t let the misery prevent forgiveness. This is an essential to going forward. There is no benefit to long held anger or annoyance. Best to put it all aside and give even your enemies and all your x''s the love you can offer them even if it is not to be returned. You will be the better person for it.
xxxxxxxxxxx

Good luck!
 
Kev -
I think you have to sell the ring, it''s tainted.
If you did give that ring to another woman someday,
everytime you look at it you will think of this horrible situation.
You need to close the door on this relationship.
Who ever she is, "future wife", deserves a fresh start, with a fresh ring.
Not something tainted. (Also she might not like ECs.)
I would NEVER want a ring bought for someone else, it would feel dirty.

Buy yourself that car you''ve delayed buying!
You DESERVE it!
Get out there are find some hobbies, paintball, hiking, etc.
Something where you can meet other people.
If you lived near Boston we''d drag you out for some fun!
 
Ummmm. And you don''t know what to do at this point? WAKE UP MY GOOD MAN. Or there is no helping you. (tough love)
 
I will repeat what Feydakin AKA Steve has said:


RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


PLEASE!!! You are such a kind hearted person, so full of love and life, you deserve so much better than her. You are worth it Kevin!!! Recognize and own that idea - you are worth it!!!
 
Kevinraja: Wow, that is quite a history. Cut your losses and RUN. Her behavior is in no way conducive to any sort of adult relationship, marriage or even friendship. It''s time to move on, you deserve much better. I''m sure you can sell the ring.
 
For real, jcjd. I mean, this is a no brainer. Sometimes, it so hard to see it when you''re in the middle of it. Crystal clear for me though. OMG.
 
MaybeDayze, I will be BOSTON area for a conference in May14-18, 2005. But I hope I will feel better by that time
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I want to say "I AM OUT BABY" and feel like I am really out. But all I can say now is "I AM OUT BABY" hoping that one day I will feel that I am really out.
 
I'm sorry you've been faced with the awful truth and I agree with what everyone is saying. In the past when I broke off a long relationship I found it hard to not go back - just checking in on them because I knew how much I had hurt him. It would quickly progress back into some old routines and I'd have to break it off all over again. If/when you do end this relationship I'm sure she'll show all the emotions of someone who just lost everything in one split second - which is almost true. In those times immediately following she could possible say everything you ever wanted to hear. This is when you have to be strong.

I also wanted to add that if you take her back imagine six months from now when she leaves down the street to go grocery shopping to make you dinner but doesn't come back for an hour. Maybe the store was really busy but could you honestly live your life without wondering what she's 'really' doing? Sometimes the uncertainty can drive a man crazy and can be just a destructive.

Edited to question: She DID get pregnant with his child?
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That thought alone would get me through the breakup!
 
Date: 2/18/2005 3:51:29 PM
Author: Erin
If/when you do end this relationship I'm sure she'll show all the emotions of someone who just lost everything in one split second - which is almost true. In those times immediately following she could possible say everything you ever wanted to hear. This is when you have to be strong.


I also wanted to add that if you take her back imagine six months from now when she leaves down the street to go grocery shopping to make you dinner but doesn't come back for an hour. Maybe the store was really busy but could you honestly live your life without wondering what she's 'really' doing? Sometimes the uncertainty can drive a man crazy and can be just a destructive.
Click to expand...

Double Right on ERIN!
 
Oh yea...the baby thing is a no-brainer. Make sure the child isn''t yours and if you are sure it isn''t run like hell. Distance yourself from her and her family for a while so you can heal. I held on to my bitterness from being hurt so bad for nearly 2 years now, I am by no means ever going to forgive him but it felt nice to cuss him out and give him a load to chew on after he emailed me freaking out when he found out I was engaged and not coming back to him.

Don''t do that to yourslef, what I did to mine.

Go be with your friends and your family and be glad you found out now before you married her.
 
I havent read any of the other posts, so I''m sorry if I repeat...

I''m really sorry, but my only thought is if after 5 years she can''t stay loyal to you, and that this has been a reoccurring habit of hers....you need to cut it off. If you can''t trust her now, how will you be able to trust her later? The fact that she''s done this before is a HUGE warning! Things will not change if you become engaged or married, she''ll just try to cover her tracks and hope you don''t notice.

I know you must be so hurt, and so in love with her, but for her to just ditch you on Valentines Day, knowing that you bought a ring to fulfill her wish of being engaged on the 14th, I don''t even have words for that! You''ve gone out of your way to be accomodating and show her how much you love & care for her. She may want to be engaged, just because she''s in love with being engaged, but she''s not in love with you...at least in the way an engaged and soon-to-be married couple should love each other.

You have a lot to offer and she''s taking advantage of it. I would honestly end the relationship. It will be extremely difficult...but you will recover with time. You deserve someone better.
 
I agree with everything Daniela said in a previous post. A lot of good advice from other posters, as well. My sympathies. I had a much smaller episode of "the disappearing girlfriend". On her last disappearance, the guy she was seeing immediately proposed, and she said yes. Felt really bad at the time - was quite struck by this girl. Everyone told me it was for the best - girl was too flakey (apparently, there was a 3rd guy involved as well!). In the end, they were right. Sometimes you can''t base decisions just from the heart; you have to kick logic in once in a while. In the end, the price of a ring might be a small price to pay vs. what you avoided long-term. Best of luck.

Z.
 
Kevin, I''m so sorry to see you back under such circumstances. I''ve been in a similar situation and I can only echo what everyone else has said: you need to get out of this relationship.

If you were not in love with her, or if you looked at the facts as if you were a friend of yours and not you, what would you do? You are a scientist. List the facts, list the situations, and step back and observe. If your sister were going out with a man who treated her like this, what would you tell her?

I know it''s really hard to hear and harder to do, but she is not right for you. She may claim to love you--and perhaps in her limited way she does--but it''s not the love of a woman ready to be wife, mother, and equal life partner.
 
WHOA....

I have to agree - RUN!

I''m sorry, but your love for this girl isn''t reciprocated at all. And trust me you can''t save her. You can''t change her. You have to move on and let her deal with her own issues. And they are MAJOR issues she may NEVER get over. Do you really want to be with someone you know can''t hold a job, will run away from her problems, will cheat on you, etc?

You seem to be her fall back guy. The one who will take her abuse, her cheating, her noncommital ways and still keep taking her back. I can tell you''re a great guy (smart, loving, forgiving, understanding, etc), but by letting another human being treat you in such a way (over and over again) also speaks volumes about you as well. Putting up with someone else''s shit doesn''t make you a better person.

Move on and you''ll soon realize you did the right thing. You''ll find someone who appreciates you, loves you, respects you in the same way you do them and really, that''s what you deserve. And I think you''ll realize when you find the right person that what you were feeling for this lost girl isn''t really what LOVE is all about.
 
Hi! I am sorry for your situation. I am a lurker here...not posting too often, but I couldn''t pass this one up.

Seeing as you seem to be a bright man that has gotten hooked up with a little girl, yes "little girl"...you need to hear the truth. You are too good for this woman. It seems as if you have been waiting in the wings for someone that may or may not want to be with you. 90% sure?? I almost died inside for you. When it love and it is the right person, there is no doubt, no "iffy" feelings, no excuses. It sounds like you need a good woman with a strong head on her shoulders. I hate to sound mean but your girl wants to have a consolation prize on hand for her in case her momma and daddy can''t fix her life. At 26 years old, you can start to use your brain and stop abusing people. You poor man. Get out. Forget her. She is not worth it. You derserve an angel who will appreciate you.
 
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Man, I am really sorry you are going through this, Kevin. I have to agree with the others: RUN, don''t walk, away from this woman. People will treat you how you let them treat you. You''ve been kind enough. I know it is painful, and you will miss her, but you will get over it. Time heals all wounds, and when you find the right woman, who treats you how you deserve, it will be all the more sweeter and you''ll wonder what you ever saw in that fool. Her loss, not yours.

You seem like a really good guy. Don''t continue to let this girl treat you this way, it''s abusive.

Good luck!
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Kevine,
Look at the long term, if this is the way she treats you now, just think about how she would treat you if you married her and had kids with her! It would be a complete disaster. She would keep up her disappearing act, leaving you and the kids. You don''t deserve that kind of treatment from anyone. Run while you can. Stay away from her and get on with your life!!
 
Hi kevin,

I agree with what you said about the difference of "saying" and actually "feeling" what you say. I think you know it''s best for you in the long run to leave but it''s hard because you have so much history. My advice is to keep telling yourself that you are doing what is best for YOU and you will wake up one day in the future and thank yourself.

If you are finishing up your post-doc it is a GREAT time to switch locations. Maybe at the conference in Boston you can find another group doing some similar research but in a different geographical location.

I''ve always told my boyfriend that if something happened and I lost him, that my scientific research would become my new "boyfriend". The research is a great thing to immerse yourself in. Who knows, maybe you will meet an upcoming PhD student with the same interests! ;) If you are thinking of going into academia you can practically pick your geographic location of choice since there are collges everywhere!

Good luck in all your endeavors and don''t let ANYONE keep you down.
 
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So sorry to hear you're in pain. Hugs to you! I agree with everyone. Kevin, move on. Yes it sounds easier than it's done. Plus it's you who is in the horrible situation and not any of us. But it's for the better. There is someone special out there who will give back the love you have been showering your undeserving confused and troubled gf. She doesn't diserve a loving und understanding man like you. She doesn't need a man to love her, she needs a babysitter to pamper her. And if she doesn't get what she wants she moves on and plays around. She doesn't even realize that it is not just you she is hurting. Even her family is affected. Once a cheater always a cheater. It will be harder if you have kids and you are married to her. Kids will pick it up and figure out somthing is wrong and they will be devasted. They don't deserve that. Now even if it hurts it's better to move on from here. Time will heal your heart ache and this will just make you even stronger. I know you've said that the return policy is over. But have you considered telling them what had happened maybe they will understand. My heart goes out to you. Be strong and keep your chin up. Take care. We will always be here for you to vent, to laugh... to stand by your side.
 
Oh Kevin... Very sad for you & soooo sorry that this girl is putting you through the wringer like this.

I cannot add much to the stellar advice already given, but can only add my whole-hearted agreement that you should end this NOW!! This girl has psychiatric and emotional issues that she is unwilling to face or deal with; therefore she is unwilling to have a healthy and mature relationship with anyone.

Quick story... I had a friend that married a man who was an alcoholic as well as a steroid user. He was agressive and prone to fits of rage and irrational behavior and verbal tyrades... As she was walking down the aisle towards this man all I could think of was how awful and almost paralyzing it would be to be married to him ~ and always be on edge, wondering what would set him off today? And later, when they were divorcing, my friend confirmed that she''d spent the whole year of their marraige wondering "when the other shoe was going to drop" and that it was such an emotionally exhausting time in her life to live with someone that was so unpredictable and unstable...

Not that this girl is a "rageaholic" but I can''t imagine having that doubt and fear and turmoil circulating in my head and heart at all times and I''m afraid that that is exactly what you would have in store for you if you let this relationship continue. And, although you do not know or understand what has changed in the week that has caused the "yes" to change to a "maybe" it''s somewhat immaterial. Being engaged to her will not change her behavior, and neither will marriage...

I know that it is difficult to let go of the love that you feel for her and it is impossible to imaging caring for anyone else in the same way again. And that''s okay ~ because you won''t. When you find someone that truly deserves your love, respect, and devotion, the love you feel for that woman will be different.

I''ve had my heart broken a few times and I can see so clearly that I love my fiance in a much different way than the boys that broke my heart. I love him from a place of strength, confidence, devotion, and mutual respect. Those other boys, I think I loved them with a heart that was full of fear and desperation... But I only got to where I am now by going through what I went through then...

Take care.
 
Oh kevin, I am so sorry. sigh, what a situation. I know that this is a ''common sense'' comment, but you deserve better than someone who is not "sure" about you. However, I have been in a similar situation, and it is very hard to think logically with matters of the heart.
It is unquestionable that you are being walked on by this girl. She IS taking you for granted. She obviously does not want to settle down with anyone, and she sounds like she is afraid of any real responsibility. Even if she does decide completely on you, I honestly think that a marriage with her would not be a good idea. She sounds very immature and needs to grow up. This is just how she sounds, but I don''t know her. I know you love her, that is obvious by everything you wrote and the kind of committment to her you have demonstrated. Not many people would try to propose twice and ask the unfaithful person to to "pick".
Infidelity is, in my opinion, one of the most heartbreaking and disrespectful things one person can do to thier lover. It is something that takes YEARS to fix. And in some cases, you may forgive, but you will certainly never forget. It turns into a small little voice in the back of your head, and speaks out to you all the time. You love this woman, wanted to spend your life with her, spent alot of money on her, formed a close relationship with her family, and then she betrayed you. She didn''t have the courage or respect to come to you first with any doubts or fears she was having, and instead, chose to see someone on the side. Not only is she unloyal to you, but she is cheating herself as well.
This, unfortantely, is going to take a long time to sort out. Does her family know what is going on exactly?? For now, I would take a little time and get in tune with yourself, your feelings and what you really want. Spend some time with your family, hang out with your friends, even sit at home and have a good cry. Gradually, start talking with her and express all your feelings: the love, the disappointment, frustration, anger, etc. You need to let her know exactly how much she has hurt you. Go from there. See where she wants to go, and see if you are willing to go with her. I would definitely recommend some counseling if you decide to stick with her and if she with you. Actually, I would recommend counseling no matter what, because you will need someone to help you sort out the array of emotions that arise from this.
I am so very sorry you had to go through this. Infidelity is horrific, I know from personal experience, as many do. Remember that you always have us here at PS to talk to, day or night. Stay strong.....
 
Devoflyfish: kevinraja came here for some friendly advice and help. If he wants to continue to post here, regardless of his decisions, we will continue to listen and cheer him on. I don''t think it is respectful to say that if he doesn''t choose to lose her that he shouldn''t post about it anymore. Oh and one more thing, normally when we are going to cuss on here, we use the asteric symbols. I don''t appreciate seeing your aggressive name calling or full cuss words on here.
 
Devoflyfish,
That kind of stuff doesn't work here, and this YOUR FIRST post? You don't get it. This is a forum of support and goodwill. You don't know the situation and I find your tone and your obsenities offensive!
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I think that sometimes well-meaning people say well-meant things that might not come our sounding so well, but that doesn''t change the fact that they were meant well. I don''t think Devo was trying to offend, although Dev we''re not really used to that kind of cutthroat directness over here so it would certainly be appreciated if you responded in consideration of the sensitivity of others.

Kevin, I don''t post on here very often any more but I had to chime in to encourage you strongly to cut all ties with her. I DO feel that you will be happier about the break in retrospect if you do it in a way that is aligned with your own values. You''re obviously not the type of person to rip someone to shreds verbally. I tend to agree more with oldminer. Forgive but DO NOT forget. GET OUT OUT OUT.

It feels like you''re never going to breathe again but i promise you that you will be soooooooooo happy about the decision to leave. This feeling does not last forever. You''re going to feel terrible for a long time but trust me not forever. One day you''re going to realize with a shock that you have not throught about her in a while. You''re going to feel good about it and think that you''re over her. Then you''re going to feel like crap again out of the blue and think it''s never going to end... but again you''ll feel better and for a little longer this time. You may look back for some time, but when you meet someone else who treats you the way you never knew you were supposed to be treated, you will feel so blessed and think back to all this and thank god you had the chance to escape. You will think of this as a near-death experience, it will make you stronger and happier when the healing is done and you will be so grateful for your great life and your gorgeous future.
 
I second and third the sentiments that say to RUN...

This gal obviously has some issues, and you are not a babysitter. She sounds like a shallow gal who only thinks of herself and what she wants and not about hurting others...that is not someone you want to be married to.

Marriage is serious, and if you can't make the relationship work as dating..then do not get married. It's a helluva lot differe than dating. Relationships are a TWO WAY STREET, not one way with someone giving all the time and the other taking and destroying.

You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Drop this girl and let her ruin her own life without you being involved. You have to look out for yourself. There WILL be someone else out there for you, you do not have to hang around in an abusive and unhealthy relationship. Let this gal self-destruct on her own, without you there to feel the pain while she does it and drags you along.

It's a very sad story...after 5 years with her..didn't you have an inkling about what she is like? You mention you have had problems in the past and she has had cheating tendencies in the past (pregnancy?!?!), that she can't hold a job because she gets bored and leaves...sounds like how she deals with all life issues? By running away. Don't wear blinders about the relationship. Be better than that and kick her to the curb!

Next time be 100% sure before you drop the $10k...I think I remember you having some doubts about it when you were purchasing? Hang in there, be strong and start to move on. When this is all behind you, you WILL realize it was for the best even if it doesn't feel like it when it is happening. We have all had broken hearts and survived them...you will too even if it is hard at the time. Stay busy and good luck!
 
"I''m out there Jerry and loving every minute of it."

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It''s time to move on Kevin. You deserve better.
 
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