Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

Its a sad, sad situation ....... help please ladies

Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
It seems, in your description of things, that either you have given her, or she has taken the control. It''s time for you to take it back. She became upset when she didn''t know where you were, but she would disappear for days on end? I don''t think so.

The best way to make her believe what you say is what you mean is to FOLLOW THROUGH and MAKE what you say what you mean! Don''t be wishy washy about it....be firm, tell her it''s over, that there is IRREPARABLE damage, and there is no chance of reconciliation. Tell her not to call you, not to contact you, just wish her well and tell her to please be gone. Changing your cell phone number really may be something you will have to do. Otherwise, be firm and do not pick up when you see the caller ID is her. If she calls you from all over the place....well...number change.

Have you ever broken up with someone you still care about before? I have and it completely sucks. Part of you wants them to still snap out of it because part of you still wants them, but the other part is sick and TIRED of being treated badly. And THAT is the side that must win! Please be firm and remember...YOU have to believe what you''re saying before SHE will.

I fully expect she will try to run back to you when she realizes what a fool she is. But please don''t let her come back. You seem like such a caring and thoughtful person, and she is poison to someone like you.

Definitely enlist friends and family to keep you occupied afterwards...boredom breeds regret, even over something you were right to do. Expect that you will probably start remembering all the good things...the mind tends to filter out lots of the bad stuff...but those bad things DID happen and you are RIGHT to do this!

Regarding my breakup with the person I still cared for....I kept telling myself this....If I''M looking out for YOUR best interest, and YOU''RE looking out for YOUR best interest...who''s looking out for ME??? That answer should NEVER be no-one!!!

Good luck!
 
Kevin, under normal circumstances I''d say to break up with her in person, but under your circumstances, I''d say do it over the phone or even with a letter if you can''t reach her. You still love her and I''m worried that she will beg and plead and you will take her back. What you need to say is, "____, I''ve decided that we can''t see each other anymore. Please don''t call or emal me, because I won''t answer. I wish you the best, but I need to move on." Then say goodbye and don''t give into the impulse to stay on the phone and listen to her. Just hang up, leave the house, and go out with some friends. If you need to change your phone number or email address, do it. If she sends you a letter, don''t open it. You''re right; you can get over this faster with a clean, sharp break.

As to helping her family? Don''t. Her mother knows you''re a good guy and no matter how much she likes you her heart is with her daughter--which means she will do anything for her daughter''s sake even if it''s not to the benefit of someone else. My DH broke up with an ex after taking her back once after an infidelity and then finding out she had done it again. Her mother was really upset that he broke up with her because she knew her daughter would probably never find someone else who would shoulder the burden of caring for her daughter that completely. You''ve got to cut off all contact with her and her family, otherwise you could easily get sucked in again. You have a bright future ahead of you; don''t let it be sabatoged by a bad relationship. The right woman will help you move forward, not hold you back. Good luck!
 
Like others have said, don''t allow her to control the break-up. She has managed to control everything else in your relationship. This, you have to control, for your own sanity and personal well-being. If you really want to end things...YOU have to end things. Having a long drawn out conversation is pointless. She doesn''t want to hear how much you''ve been hurt. And spending hours and hours talking about a break-up with her will only open you up for more manipulation. Just tell her straight out that the relationship is over. Wish her the best and leave, or get off of the phone. In this instance a telephone conversation is probably best. And I agree with HoneyNut, take yourself on a mini-vacation so that you don''t have to deal with her for a few days. Turn your cell phone off during that time and start the healing process.

And although you love her family, you might consider distancing yourself from them for a while. Having contact with them could push you back into the toxic relationship you ended.

You will feel extremely fragile for a while, but I think once you begin the healing process you will start to feel better, and in the end stronger. And DO surround yourself with friends and family. Go see a stupid movie that will make you laugh. Take long walks. All of this will help to ease the pain of separation that you will surely feel in the coming days.

I wish you well.....{Hugs}!
 
If you possibly can, you should avoid seeing her. Either leave a message on her phone or send her a note if you know where she is. Be definite and final.

After the way she treated you and what you put up with, your last concern should be how she feels. Do it the fastest, easiest way.

Surely you should not think you owe her any explanation as to why you want to end the relationship. You have been put through hell by an unstable woman and you must think of yourself now. You gave her five years of your life. Don''t waste another moment.

Any further contact will only bring you more unhappiness. Once she sees that you are serious about breaking up with her, she will probably try to get you back. Do not give her this opportunity. You have given her too many chances and she has always failed you. Now she may have fallen in love with the ring.

A person like this is probably incapable of really loving anyone and you must accept this and let go.
You deserve better than this and you should not be willing to accept her treatment of you or her mother''s sincere interest in getting her daughter a great husband. Her mother may be a wonderful person but she is thinking of her daughter and not of you. She is probably anxious to have her off her hands but do not be a victim. Be firm. You are not responsible for her irrational behavior.

Start thinking of yourself and your needs and do not give her another opportunity to come back into your life.
 
Oh Kevin,

My heart broke for you when you wrote about your girlfriend''s dissappearance a number of months ago. It''s horrible you have been suffering through this all these many months. Others have offered excellent advice, so there is nothing more I can add. It sounds like you have made your mind up to carry on without her. Good for you! You seem like a gentle, loving soul. I hope you can formally end this situation soon, so you can move on with your life.

Wishing you well.
 
Everyone has offered you great advice. I wish you luck!

Definitely change all of your phone numbers. And if you do meet her in person for the breakup, do it in a public place. Also put that ring in a safe deposit box at the bank until it is sold.
 
Kevin, I was really saddened to hear about your problems. I think you have received some really great advice from everyone here and I don''t have anything really to add to it except to wish you the best of luck and to let you know that you definately deserve better
 
Hi,

I''m so sorry to hear about your girlfriend. You are a great guy, caring and very forgiving. I just think that somewhere along your journey you’ve forgotten about the most important person and that is YOU! You have to rely on your intuition and believe that you will come out of this relationship with more strength and more respect for yourself than you ever had.

I don’t know if I can give the correct advice and it is probably not right to interfere but I would love to share my own experience with you. I’ve never actually written about it but maybe, in a way, this will also be therapeutic to me...

I moved to another country without my family and met a guy in my second year of collage. We dated for 6 years. His family took me in as their own. Not having my family near me, I held this very dear. At the time I truly felt that my ex boyfriend’s family would be my in laws one day. I felt so secure and safe, they are very giving people. We had quite a few relationship problems. In my heart I knew that he was probably not the right person for me. My friends warned me endlessly - to the point that I shut everyone out of my life that doubted my relationship. I did not want to believe that it would not work for me. After 5 years I discovered that he cheated. I had a feeling but he made me feel that I was over jealous and paranoid. So 5 full months went by before I finally found the phone bills to prove my suspicion. During the 5 months I cried almost every day. It effected my work/my concentration and I fell into depression. I wanted him to love me so badly, I forgave him even after he continued cheating and lying. I was always the kind of person that said "once a cheater, always a cheater" and all of a sudden the bad things were starting to feel that it was not so bad. I was making excuses for him because I thought that my deep love and understanding would make me the one he finally ends up with. During all this he did not want to let go either. He was jealous, begged me to stay, cried and promised so many times that he would never cheat again and that the other person did not mean that much to him. He did not like it when I visited my friends and became overly jealous. I interpret this as a good thing and that it must mean that he really loves me. I was so miserable. I had thoughts of how perfect and beautiful the other girls must be. It drove me crazy. I could not understand that all my tears and the threads that I would leave would mean so little. I had many personal conversations with his mother and they were really upset with their son’s choices. They were so mad at him.

Things became really crazy after his only sister passed away in a car accident. She was truly a wonderful person and I still find it hard to accept that she’s gone. I decided to put all our relationship problems behind us and focused mainly on their own pain, helping them in any way possible. In my heart I thought that his loss would bring us closer as a couple and even though it did in a friendship way, he still continued meeting other women. I could not understand this since the other women never knew his sister. This made me realize that the pain I felt inside would always be my own. I could no longer rely on his parents or my family and had to pull myself out of all this sadness. At some point you just have to close your eyes and walk away. No matter how many times they ask for your forgiveness. No matter how hard it is. It’s you own survival. You owe it to yourself and your own self-respect to do what’s best for you.

I think the best thing to do is step away from your self. My psychiatrist or therapist told me this during one of my visits. Ask yourself what you would tell your best friend or sister or brother if they were in the same situation? Your advice would probably be that the pain she is causing you is not worth it. - And if you felt that maybe you were not good enough (as in my case) – you would also tell your friend, "are you crazy, you are wonderful!"

Bad relationships don''t change and the fear and anxious feeling you have will always be there. I was so hard on myself in my previous relationship. I tried so hard to change myself to be the person my ex boyfriend wanted me to be. I lost weight/dressed well...anything that could make me feel more wanted. I waited and gave him all the space and time he deserved or asked for. He did not want to let me go and I was so happy for any crumbles he through my way. After 6 years of being miserable I finally realized that it is not the life I would want for my children or anyone I care about. I would not want to bring a child into all this. In the end of the day nothing I tried changed my situation. I prayed, visited friends, spend some time with my dad overseas yet to realize that the only person that can change your future is yourself. My dad said that I was no longer the funny, giddy person he knew and was so worried about me. My therapist never told me what to do as I hoped he would. He only made me realize that you would never want this for yourself. You only live once and you deserve to find someone that loves you for who you are.

Time can give you perspective but only if you are willing to confront your expectations and values and stand by your decision. I think that every person knows what the right thing to do is, but it''s not always the easiest thing to do or accept. It will be painful and it will take time but you will feel better and even proud in time to come. I met a wonderful man shortly there after. We have been together for 2 years and a few months and I never feel anxious or jealous. I don’t feel scared when he’s late or work long hours. It’s so wonderful to only worry about work and other stuff other than your relationship. It’s a mountain of your shoulders. You should not have to worry about your relationship every second of the day. You can also feel this level of peace but you have to take the first and hardest step. The only thing I really regret from my 6 years of worry and sadness is that it took me so long to get out. I know that no matter how much his parents loved me, their son will always be their son and he will come first, no matter how much they love me. They feel a sense of relief because his happier now and I’m happier. You cannot love anyone else until you learn that you are the sexiest most wonderful person on earth. I never want to feel the anxiousness again. I’m so happy and in love now and you will also have that feeling again. My new other half appreciates me and it’s the best feeling in the world!

Sorry for my long letter...I hope everything works out for you. I will watch the post with the hopes that you will also find the strength to make positive changes in your life. I wish you well with any decision you make.

Take Care,
Ries
 
Reis, thanks so much for sharing your life. Looks like you were almost in a similar situation as I am in. I am glad that you are happy now. I wish I will be like you one day.

It’s so wonderful to only worry about work and other stuff other than your relationship

You are absolutely right. During those days after her apologies and my forgiveness, I really felt that she won''t do these things again. I tried my best to start to trust her again. It did help me to focus only on my work or other important things than to worry or be anxious about whether she will cheat on me again.

My weekend has been okay so far. But whenever I felt down, I re-read this thread to gain my confidence back.

I have always felt that when "IT" is there sitting next to you, you never care for it or know the value of it, but when you know that "IT" is gone, and IT is not yours anymore, your heart breaks into tears, and understands really the value of IT and wish you have IT back and loved IT in the first place.

If, say, "she" realizes the above phenomena, and REALLY feels in her heart that I am gone, and that she really does want to spend the rest of her life with me, comes to me and apologizes for me in all possible ways, and promises me that nothing of this sort will never happen again, what should I do? When I think about it, I blame myself to a certain extent that I have never put her in this situation before, maybe, because of this, I never held her accountable for what she did. She never faced consequences for what she did, neither from me nor from her family. I other words, I feel that I never gave her a chance to know for herself what she has done to herself and everbody around her. It is like letting a thief go without holding him accountable, and forgiving him everytime. Ofcourse the thief is going to steal again knowing that he has always been forgiven in the past.

Let me ask you all a hypothetical question. Please do not think I am crazy to ask this. Please....... I just want to know your valuable opinions and the way rest of you think. If, say, she comes to me apologizes for everything, and say that she REALLY REALLY understands her mistakes and ready to do anything to be with me, under what circumstances/conditions would you or should I accept her back? This is just hypothetical. Would you have some conditions that you would want her to abide by....if so, what are they? How would you go by if it were you. I am asking this because I also want to think in terms of the other side. Lets suppose we are all playing an angel here.
 
I''ve been following this thread and just reading til now. My question would be, how could you ever trust her again? This is a pattern with her and it''s probably not going to change any time soon. People don''t change significantly during their lifetimes, much less over a short period of time. You can love a lot of people, but that doesn''t make them "the one". There has to be more; complete and total trust being the main one. I''ve been married for over 23 years and the marriages I''ve seen fail are those that never had that. People say they argue about money, kids, etc. What they usually argue over is trusting the other with money, the kids, etc. You have to know the other person has your welfare in mind and not just their own. She''s obviously still too self-involved to be there for you or anyone else at this point. She needs to grow up and you and her family can''t do that for her. I''m sorry you''re in this situation, but don''t compound it by taking her back again.
 
I agree with momoftwo. Taking her back will be forgiving her again which shows her she can get away with it.
Don''t tie yourself to a person who does not respect you or your relationship.

You sound like a wonderful, mature person and I think that any woman would be lucky to have your devotion. Save yourself for someone who deserves you and will show you they love you rather than just tell you. I know its hard to let go and its easy to keep things the same as they are, change is scary, but remember that this is for LIFE! Forever!
32.gif
Don''t gamble your future for anything less than you deserve.
DO NOT SELL YOURSELF SHORT.

I wish you the best of luck, and hope you find happiness soon, whether alone or with someone who deserves you.
 
Date: 2/21/2005 8:32:10 AM
Author: kevinraja

Let me ask you all a hypothetical question. Please do not think I am crazy to ask this. Please....... I just want to know your valuable opinions and the way rest of you think. If, say, she comes to me apologizes for everything, and say that she REALLY REALLY understands her mistakes and ready to do anything to be with me, under what circumstances/conditions would you or should I accept her back? This is just hypothetical. Would you have some conditions that you would want her to abide by....if so, what are they? How would you go by if it were you. I am asking this because I also want to think in terms of the other side. Lets suppose we are all playing an angel here.
Click to expand...
If she were to do this, she needs to PROVE that she has and/or is willing to change. That means counseling and working hard to win back your trust. I wouldn''t just say, "Oh, we back together." Instead, I will tell her to work hard trying to regain your trust SLOWLY. And if time goes by and she is really doing this (though I don''t know how you can be sure) then maybe you guys can start taking things slow again. Go on a date, etc. But you just can''t jump back into being a serious couple with an engagement ring coming soon. She will never learn that way.

So basically, no, you can''t take her back under ANY circumstances right NOW. Tell her to work on her life and problems, and slowly, perhaps, if things were meant to be between you two, then maybe your paths will cross again. But she has a lot of work to do on herself before she should really even think about another relationship with you.

If she truely sees her problems, mistakes, and bad behavior, then she shouldn''t even ask you to get back together right now. She should realize that that isn''t a very smart idea if she truely wants to change for the better.

Okies, enough of my rambling, good luck and remember to be strong!!
1.gif
 
Kevin my answer to your hypothetical question: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!! Not to mention that little voice in the back of your head will always be asking questions to the point that it will make you extremely paranoid.

CLEAN BREAK! CLEAN BREAK! CLEAN BREAK! RUN! RUN! RUN! DON''T LOOK BACK!!!
 
Another answer to your hypothetical: Don''t give her the chance to say all those things. Do whatever you can to cut off communication. That may sound harsh since this is someone you love, but you have to love yourself more. You are wise to anticiapte her reaction, so try to stay one step ahead. Best of luck to you. It doesn''t seem possible now, but your heart will heal.
 
Hi Kevin:

I hope you relaxed some over the weekend. As I was re-reading your posts, you mentioned she got pregnant and did not tell you. I am assuming the child wasn''t yours and that she did not have the child. That alone is your proof that you can''t have a relationship with her and trust. You have many more issues than the one above with her that its very complex and I think you are best to NOT see her to break it off. Someone suggested a letter, and you know that may be best for her. That way she can re-read and maybe it will soak in that she will help herself. She may be the type that never changes. You can''t take that risk. If you want a life free of misery you need to go the other way. You are still so young and have your whole life ahead of you. Go live it! In time this will pass and won''t be as hurtful as it is now. Right now, your going day by day, etc. Read these posts over and over for comfort. Have you spoke to your parents and siblings yet? They could be a excellent source of support for you. I am not meaning to sound harsh, but this is how I see it. By the way, when my husband went to some class reunions, some of the "bad" ppl never even changed and they are in their 50''s and have no family life, etc. That can be the same with women too. Some of them married 2 or 3 times and now have no one in their lives. Quite frankly the reunion was a let down for him. Very few of the earlier marriages were still together, but thats another issue from yours. Take care Kevin and try to stay strong!

Lori

Kevin, don''t settle for something that you will regret down the road.
 
Kevin,
I, too, have just been reading up to this point, and it seems that everyone is giving you good advice. But I want to add my 2 cents here. I have watched my girlfriends dance this dance too many times over. No matter how sincere the other person is about "changing," it is not going to happen. (or at least not while she is with you)

I agree that you should not even give her the chance to tell you that, because you will be far too tempted to listen. The fact is, she may even believe it when she says it. She may even get help. It may seem like things are better, like it has after all the other times she has apologized or promised that things will be different. But giving her the option of the two of you getting back together is giving her an out. And eventually, all of those behaviors are going to repeat. It sounds like she has some serious issues that are not going to be resolved any time soon.

Don''t do this to yourself! It can be easy to imagine in your mind and your heart the ideal scenario, one that involves her changing and the two of you living happily ever after. But that isn''t reality, it is the love and pain and hope that you are feeling right now. You sound like a wonderful man, one who deserves to be happy. Removing her from your life completely may feel like it will kill you, but in the long run, you will be able to live your life without being absorbed with worry and fear.

I''m a firm believer that you have to love yourself and know how to make yourself happy before you can be in a successful relationship. It does not sound like she is capable of either of those things at this point in her life, and maybe she never will be. You deserve a woman who knows herself and loves you enough to commit and be faithful. You deserve someone who is not dependant or overly jealous. You deserve someone who is more interested in being your wife than in the ring. You derserve someone who will not make you feel like you are feeling right now.

Be strong. Tell her it is over and mean it. Cut off all contact. Find ways to make yourself happy.
In time, you will realize that you have done the right thing.

((((HUGS))))
 
Kevin, this woman is poison for you. Please, for your own sake, break it off with her before you are hurt any further. Even if she goes to therapy and mends her ways, you will never be able to trust her fully. I know how diffiuclt it is to break off with someone you have loved for a number of years, but that pain does eventually subside. Day by day you will become stronger and feel better. It is a slow and difficult process. When your true love does come along, and she will come along, she will treat you like a king. You will be able to trust her, and she you. With trust and respect, it is possible to develop deep and true intimacy, cultivating that special gift shared by two people known as love. You will never be able to achieve this rare and special state with this woman.

Break it off with a letter, as others have suggested. This will not allow her the opportunity to sway you with apologies, tears and promises to treat you better. She will not treat you better. She has treated you poorly for at least the past 6 months, and she may have been treating you this way for your entire relationship. She has disappeared a number of times on you to be with another man. She has problems that you cannot resolve, and they are her problems, not yours.

Perhaps you might make an appointment with a relationship counsellor for some unbiased advice. You could sit down with this counsellor for an hour or two, and talk frankly and openly with someone who is trained to be objective in delaing with relationships.

You have much to offer the right woman. You seem to be a very sweet and caring individual. You are smart (PhD right?), have a good job, the ability to save money ($10K for a ring with only 6 months of employment is stunning). You are dedicated to helping those you care about. You make sacrifies for your own comfort to make the ones you love happy (no car vs $10k ring). You have a huge list of lovely qualities, and all are ready for the right woman. Please Kevin, do not allow this woman to take advantage of your lovely nature any more.
 
If, say, ''she'' realizes the above phenomena, and REALLY feels in her heart that I am gone, and that she really does want to spend the rest of her life with me, comes to me and apologizes for me in all possible ways, and promises me that nothing of this sort will never happen again, what should I do?

If, say, she comes to me apologizes for everything, and say that she REALLY REALLY understands her mistakes and ready to do anything to be with me, under what circumstances/conditions would you or should I accept her back?
Click to expand...
I won''t be delicate - Personally I think you should say...

Who Cares!
So What!
Tough!
Too late!
I''ve had enough!
No More!
You had your chanceS!

This woman has done it to you before and no matter what she says she''ll do it again and again and again and again! RUN!

Say you''ve hurt me for the last time, we''re through/over/done/finished and there''s nothing you can do to change my mind.
Change your phone number change your locks.
Put some nice clothes on, go out with your friends and have one more drink than usual.
That''s it. No conversations, no explanations, no listening, no talking it through, no drawing it out. Move on.
 
Date: 2/21/2005 11
6.gif
5:42 AM
Author: fatafelice
Kevin,
You deserve someone who is more interested in being your wife than in the ring.
((((HUGS))))
Click to expand...

FetaFelice, Yellowfan, Appletini, Gale and Everyone else has given you good advice Kevin - I'm proud to be part of such a supportive forum!

Kevin, She really can't promise that she won't do it again. (Hasn't she already done that?) There really is nothing you can to stop this cycle, it's s cycle of abuse and the only way out of it is to stop it. We are not talking about a ONE TIME INCIDENT this is a long standing pattern of behavior.

I'm going to say something that might not make me a very popular person. Her actions and behavior do not make her a bad person; they are simply and indicator that she is deeply troubled. She is Bipolar. Every facet of her life is jeopardy.

She seems to be in denial that anything is wrong

She is engaging in some truly reckless behavior; getting pregnant by another man, use/abuse of drugs/alcohol.

She is showing uncharacteristically poor judgment — She can't seem to hold on to a job, or make any serious/mature decision about her life. (a person may make poor decisions which may lead to unrealistic involvement in activities, meetings and deadlines, reckless driving, spending sprees and foolish business ventures.)

Provocative, intrusive or aggressive behavior — a person may become enraged or paranoid if his or her grand ideas are stopped or excessive social plans are refused. (She becomes irrationally upset when you watch television, she doesn't know where you are, etc.)

Sustained period of behavior that is different from usual — a person may dress and/or act differently than he or she usually does, become a collector of various items, become indifferent to personal grooming, become obsessed with writing, or experience delusions. (She is just picking up and leaving!)

Unusual sexual drive - Again getting pregnant by another man.

And these are just some of the symptoms/signs of mania, things I can easily pinpoint without knowing her.

Kevin,
If you really care for this woman, the best thing you can do to help her - is to break it off. This will help her to stop this pattern of behavior. Show her there are consequences for her actions, and that her actions are an indicator of a HUGE problem. She is spiraling out of control, and she needs help to learn to live with this disease. This is a very typical age and manner for this type of disease to present. She's has got to get it under control so that her whole life doesn't follow this self-destructive pattern.

At this point you are both destroying eachother. If you remain in this relationship the pattern will never stop. The pattern of the relationship has been set, I don't think either of you can change it. Unfortunately, when things get this far gone the best thing for both of you is to walk away.

Her actions show you that she is not committed to this relationship! So trying to work it out is pointless.

Kevin, everyone is right, you sound like a wonderful, sensitive, caring man. There are thousands of women who would love to meet a man like you. Find a woman who will be proud to be your wife, and not just in it for the ring.

Daisy

P.S. If she shows no remorse for her actions, or no emotion - when you break up, know that she is BEYOND any kind of help.
 
"If, say, 'she' realizes the above phenomena, and REALLY feels in her heart that I am gone, and that she really does want to spend the rest of her life with me, comes to me and apologizes for me in all possible ways, and promises me that nothing of this sort will never happen again, what should I do?

If, say, she comes to me apologizes for everything, and say that she REALLY REALLY understands her mistakes and ready to do anything to be with me, under what circumstances/conditions would you or should I accept her back? "

_______________________

NONE. Absolutely not. I know this is super hard for you at this time but have some respect for yourself Kevin! I know you love this girl, it's obvious, but she is not going to just suddenly change and give you what you want out of life. You are seriously deluding yourself if you are thinking that is ever going to happen anytime soon. You have been seriously deluding yourself for a while it sounds like. What part of that are you not understanding??

She needs to sort herself out and that does not include having you around. You are only part of the problem here, she should not need you to help make her a better person! People have to love themselves first before they can make anyone else happy.

This situation with my best girflriend and her bad boyfriend, she adored him, saw a future with him AT THE TIMES WHEN HE WAS THE PERSON SHE WANTED HIM TO BE. The rest of the time she was just like you, unhappy but waiting for things to change waiting for that person to surface again, willing to overlook ABCDEFG, alienating her friends and family who cared about her, and in general not listening to her inner instinct. It got so bad for her that she got a stress related condition where she would make herself literally sick for days when she got upset or stressed out. Horrible for her and her health! This man was poison and that is how I view this girl as well. Regardless of what is wrong with her, you need to look out for yourself! Now that she is apart from him she is sooo much better! Maybe she is single and some may consider that 'alone', but she is better and she is able to see things with more clarity now. I and the others in her life are SO happy that she is away from his particular brand of loving poison.

I firmly believe that if things are meant to be they will, but that time is not now for you and this gal. People really need to fix and take care of themselves before they can have any sort of fruitful, happy relationship with others. It doesn't mean there isn't ever a future with you two but you have to cut things off and don't give her the opportunity to sweet talk you into trying again.

To be really honest here, I feel like slapping you around. After all of this information people have given you, you still ask what if! All of this gushing, I'm so sorry Kevin, is not doing you any good in my tough-love opinion. And you shouldn't have to come and read this thread to feel stronger! That's walking a dangerous line because we can't be your only people who believe that this is wrong for you that you listen to. You REALLY need a firm friend on your end to help you through this, do you have any guy friends that you feel can really asisst you with this? Someone who will not allow you to think 'what if' and or buckle under her pressure? Someone you can trust?

My bottom line, you should feel BETTER than this! You should expect more from someone who professes to love you. I agree that you probably also have some issues of your own, maybe protective or rescue instincts for you to want to put up with this. I have only ever had one loser boyfriend in my life and I acted stupid like the rest of us have at least once, but after that (I was 21) I never EVER was in a situation like that again and he was just a lazy bum with no job, not mentally manipulating my mind and torturing my heart. I would NEVER put up with this from anyone. So put your foot down and leave it there. Kick this girl and her family out of your life. Do it for yourself and the future you SHOULD be wishing you'll have with someone who adores you and makes you happy. Do not settle!
 
I don''t think there is anything she could possibly do to make you even possibly trust her again. She continues in the same behaviors time and time again. I think you''ve given her ample opportunities to get herself strightened out. The only thing you can do now, is worry about yourself!!! You need to make a clean break from this girl. I say girl, because from what you say she''a little more than a child. You deserve way more than that. Change all you phone numbers, including cell phone, change the locks and put the ring in a safety deposit box!! Stay focused on your work, your friends and your hobbies. Don''t keep thinking of the what ifs, they aren''t going to get you anywhere. Good luck, You can do it!!
36.gif
 

Fool you once, shame on her. Fool you twice, shame on you. I''ve been on both sides, I don''t do well with confrontations, and I suffered emotionally for many years (from both perspectives).


I spent many of those miserable years trying to say and do the right things. The problem was my definition of "the right things". It was WAY off. Looking back I realize that I had no respect for the other person in the relationship, even though I cared for that person and even though I THOUGHT I loved that person. Healthy relationships only work if both people have the same definition of love.


She doesn''t respect you and it''s truly a very good thing that you have decided to move on. You do not owe her OR her family any explanations. It sounds to me like you just want to end it and you want her to know you''ve ended it. I think it''s best to do it in person so there is no room for misunderstanding on her part. "It''s over. Don''t contact me anymore."


Don''t listen to what she has to say. Don''t answer your phone if she calls. Don''t reply to letters or emails or pleas from her family. Looks easy to do in text, but it is very hard to do in reality. So hard to turn your back when you''re heart is hurting.


It is a REALLY, REALLY hard thing to walk away. I''ve done it and I hurt "the family''s" feelings. I think that was the hardest part because they never really got to hear my side of the story. But you know what? They didn''t need to. You do NOT have to justify or defend your actions to her or her family. Finally coming to that understanding was an epiphany for me.


You''re a better person. Share that with someone who will love you with the respect you deserve.
 
Come on now Kevinraja. Now I know you said "you're out"...but you're SO not out. It's obvious. And no matter what we (people you don't know) say, in the end you'll make your own decision. Most people make the decision that is easiest for them at the time. You need to think about what will be best for you in the long run...

So if she says I'm "really really" sorry...that makes everything better, right?

You need to have a talk with yourself.

Again, I dated a guy for 6 years (grad school years, not highschool years)...and it was pretty bad for a while. But I didn't die like I thought I would. Today, I can hardly remember what he looks like LOL

I hear my husband say this in business- "ARE YOU IN OR ARE YOU OUT"? You can't just be a little one or the other.
 
Kevin, the smart thing to do is really just to get out clean. No matter what. In some ways I know it''s harder getting out of a tumultuous relationship, because the lows make the highs seem so much higher. I remember everything my ex put me through, and you know what, they don''t become more grateful---they just take you even more for granted. Are you a better person with her? Is she a better person with you? A good relationship will be your support system through life. Can she function as your support system?

As Ries said, when you find the right person you''ll be amazed at how different it is. I trust my husband''s love as much as I trust my mother''s. There are no games, so drama, only a deep, secure, abiding foundation. You deserve that, don''t you?
 
If, say, "she" realizes the above phenomena, and REALLY feels in her heart that I am gone, and that she really does want to spend the rest of her life with me, comes to me and apologizes for me in all possible ways, and promises me that nothing of this sort will never happen again, what should I do? When I think about it, I blame myself to a certain extent that I have never put her in this situation before, maybe, because of this, I never held her accountable for what she did.

The only way for you to hold her accountable for her actions is to LEAVE. Seriously, what other consequences are there that would really be adequate? She could apologize until the end of time ~ those are just words. And you and her family can talk to her and lecture her until the end of time and those are just words too. You need to leave leave leave.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let me ask you all a hypothetical question. Please do not think I am crazy to ask this. Please....... I just want to know your valuable opinions and the way rest of you think. If, say, she comes to me apologizes for everything, and say that she REALLY REALLY understands her mistakes and ready to do anything to be with me, under what circumstances/conditions would you or should I accept her back? This is just hypothetical. Would you have some conditions that you would want her to abide by....if so, what are they? How would you go by if it were you. I am asking this because I also want to think in terms of the other side. Lets suppose we are all playing an angel here.

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES would I accept her back. Again, how is accepting her back holding her accountable? If you take her back than she sees your leaving as an empty threat and just confirms in her mind that she can get away with ANYTHING and you''ll still be there. No way... leave leave leave.

She needs therapy and is in denial about that. Perhaps your leaving will jolt her out of denial and she will accept that she needs professional assistance. I don''t think she will ever get to that point if you take her back ~ even if you make therapy a "condition" because up to this point she''s been able to use and manipulate your emotions and she''s never followed through with any other promises, why would she think she would have to now? I really and truly believe that even for her sake, you need to leave.
 
I think these are solid pieces of advice, so I will repeat them here.

~Make a CLEAN and COMPLETE break from her, her family, and your "relationship" with her.

~Put the ring in a safe deposit box.

~Change your phone number.

~Change your locks.

~Perhaps you should move so you don''t have those memories of her at your place.

~Concentrate on YOUR HAPPINESS AND PERSONAL WELL-BEING!

~Cling to God and/or your friends and/or your family and/or your coworkers (the more the better!) during this trying time in your life.

~Consider going to a therapist - there is absolutely no shame in doing so. A good therapist will simply guide you through your thoughts and emotions so you can determine the underlying issues you must deal with to grow and learn from this experience.

~Under NO circumstances should you take her back this time - she is not making you happy. You know this. Don''t let her keep making you miserable by taking her back and halting her progress in becoming an adult.

Good luck Kevin. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
 
I was hesitant to disclose this but your girl firiend reminds me very much of my mother. When we were young, the term bipolar or manic depression was not widley used. My brother and I were blamed for her irrational behavior by my father and other family members. Life was hell for us and my brother is bipolar too. It is hereditary to some extent.

We never knew what to expect and my father was not much help. In later years she had several stays in mental hospitals. Maybe your girlfriend is not this bad and there are medications to control many conditions now. But it does not sound as if she is seeking help. I am not qualified to diagnose someone I have never met but from what you have written so far, it doesn''t take much experience to determine that she is not the right person for you. If she wants to ruin her life, that is up to her. But you don''t need this kind of relationship built on lies and falsehoods.

But what I wanted to impress on you is this: That when you think you are communicating with someone like this, the information is not being processed. It makes no impact. They will be sweet and remorseful when it serves their purpose. As soon as they feel they are back in control, the situation starts all over again. Nothing sinks in because their minds are cluttered with their own destructive thoughts and plans.

If it suits her emotional needs to sport a trophy of a big ring and a great catch of a fiancee, she will do and say whatever it takes to get you back. But people like this have no insight into the feelings of others. Many people who have emotional problems are very sweet and passive and are truly pathetic.But she does not sound like one of them.

But my mother, who could be the most charming and sweet person when it suited her, was really a destructive and manipulative person. I just never knew what she was doing behind my back and she did a great deal of damage to me and my family.

If this girl has exhibited this kind of behavior over such a long period of time, she is obviously oblivious to the pain she is causing others. Marry her and you can count on years of misery, no matter what she promises, and a large part of your income for psychiatry and other problems. Take it from my first hand experience. Get rid of this dead weight before she destroys your life and makes you bitter and unhappy.
 
Hello friends, I just drafted the following letter, which includes many of your comments/advice. I plan to stop by her home after my work tomorrow, and deliver the hand-written letter to her Mom along with her belongings that I had in my apt.

Please feel free to comment on anything below that you think needs change or different set of words. I sincerely appreciate all your help.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear ...,

I was ready to sacrifice anything and everything for you. All I expected was for you to love me, and be honest and loyal to the relationship we had. But, You just let go, in your own words, "the best thing to have ever happenned in your life." Nobody will ever love you the way I loved you, nobody... But, it is also time that I move on. I cannot be in a relationship that drains out all my energy and happiness, and leaves me with unbearable pain. I never thought I would be saying this, but it is in the best interest to both of us that we move on in separate ways.


You encouraged me to buy a ring, a proposal which you didn''t know how to answer. Maybe, you liked the idea of being engaged more than being engaged to me. You picked the ring, and proposed an engagement date, but also backed out of the agreed upon proposal date to spend it with another guy leaving me hanging. But I forgive you.


Its not that I was worried whether I am THE ONE for you, I was more worried that I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE for you.


You wanted to control what tv shows I should or shouldn''t watch, which I didn''t mind. But did you not know what things you are NOT supposed to do in a relationship?


You treated me like a fall-back guy, who took all your abuse, cheating and non-committal ways. But, I still took you back, thinking that you will once-for-all be loving and committed to our relationship.


I was looking out for your best interest, and you were looking out for your best interest, but there wasn''t anyone to look out for me?


I am sorry to say this, but you are not ready to deal with your problems or even admit that you have any. If you can''t be honest with yourself, you can''t be honest with me or the relationship. It is time that you recognize and acknowledge your self-destructive behaviour, and that you are in need of serious professional help.


I wish you only the best, like I always did.


Please do not contact me. Please...


Love,
-...
 
I know you're in a lot of pain, Kevin. This is a good start. I would read it again to yourself and--harsh as it may seem--REMOVE any of the too-nice sounding sentiments that might let her think there is a window of hope for her to get you back.

(A few examples:

Take out "But I forgive you" at the end of the cheating/proposal paragraph. It could lead her to think there's a chance, no matter how small.

"....AM NOT THE ONLY ONE for you." You might want to add a sentence there to reiterate that you know now that you are not and never will be the only one for her.

In the tv-watching paragraph, you say "which I didn't mind."--and I would definitely take that out. Maybe you didn't mind, but you SHOULD, and she shouldnt' think that that was ok. It's better to juxtapose that she was so jealous that she wanted to control what tv you watched, but at the same time was running out on you--everything you say in the next paragraph. Try to make sure that those ideas are linked. (The irrationality and unfairness of HER behavior vs. her expectations of what YOURS should have been.)

I like that you close with the discussion of her need for help for her self-destrutive behavior. Perhaps your final "don't contact me" sentence could benefit form repeating that it is OVER and there is no chance for a reconcilliation.

If you MUST say something about forgiveness, maybe something like "I can forgive you, but I can not have you in my life now, or ever."

Be FIRM!!!

Good luck, and we are here for you.

p.s. I'm on the fence about your signing it "Love."

And I'd call your phone company--landline and cell--and ask about blocking her number so that you don't have to suffer through her voicemails even if you do screen her calls. Cut her OUT, change the locks, do something nice for yourself.
 
Good for you. Perfect letter. Stick to your guns!

I think I would leave out the word "love". She may read more into it than you mean to imply. Don''t give her anything to hope for in this relationship.
 
Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
GET 3 FREE HCA RESULTS JOIN THE FORUM. ASK FOR HELP
Jewelry Blog
PriceScope-Concierge-Ad
Find prime cuts.
Top