Its a sad, sad situation ....... help please ladies

[ello]

Hi again,

I don''t think you really want to move on. You still feel that things could work out for you. I have to ask you a very difficult question someone asked me during my previous 6 year relationship..."Do you want to be unhappy for the rest of your life?" "Because if you want to, then you better accept your rocky relationship and make peace with it." I guess this is the best you think you deserve in a relationship because you don’t want a better life. NO, NO, NO! Don''t you want you friends, family and future children to look up to your relationship?

What you have right now will always be this way with your girlfriend. You will always have one good day and 20 unhappy days. You can do better than this. I think that you have the strength to get out of this situation.

You need to make a firm decision and stand by it. YOU CAN DO IT! But it has to be clean. No phone calls. No conversation with her parents, other than thank you and good-bye. Move if you have to...that is what I did. Don''t call, don''t answer your phone. It was very difficult for me to move on as well. I cried and cried…It took a long time but you have to reach the point when it''s just enough. I broke up with my boyfriend with no friends or family in a country millions of miles from my own country, my job was new and everything was bad. I lost a friend in a car accident that was as close as my own sister to me. Things could not have been any worse for me. BUT I did it. AND SO CAN YOU! You will find strength that you never imagined you could have. THINK OF HOW PROUD IT WILL MAKE YOU IN YEARS TO COME!

I thought it was the end of my world. I was thinking of ending my own life so many times. YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! YOU ARE STRONG! Zone out, look forward and don''t look back.

It does not matter if she finds someone else. Feel sorry for the poor fool that ends up with her. You don''t need drama in your life. You feel that you need to be the one that can save her but it''s not your job. Gain your self-respect back! In your heart you want to be THE ONE but it not the right person for you. You have better things to come…what are you waiting for? Go get your new dream girl! My new boyfriend is ten times better looking and funnier! Having a normal relationship is not boring...It’s AWESOME! GO GET ‘HM TIGER!

All the best,

 

[Mara]

Good letter Kevin, though I would definitely take out the 'but I forgive you', the TV watching paragraph (which reads kind of odd and takes away from the overall feel IMO), and I would not end with 'please do not contact me'. I would end with something alone the lines of 'I am done with this relationship and the way you treat me. Do not contact me again, I will not tolerate future abuse'. I think the overall tone of the letter should sound stronger, but then again I am a super strong personality.

You have to end on a strong note and yes, do not say Love in the closing. She has lost that right to your love.

I will also close with a quick story, I have another girlfriend who was with this guy for 2+ years kind of on and off, they were not really together but not dating anyone else, he did not want to be in a relationship etc. Somehow he changes his mind, she is ecstatic...they 'date' and then she moves into his house. Bad idea of course. He takes control of all her money so she can pay off her debt (which in discussions they have had mean they would be getting married later), but of course somewhere along the lines things start to go sour...long story short he tells her he does not love her, will never marry her and they should break up. She takes FIVE MONTHS to move out of his house, it was embarassing on her part, she was losing friends right and left because people could not stand to watch her self-destruct. He was TOO WEAK to tell her to get out and she was TOO WEAK to have any self-respect and get herself out. It was really horrible and many of her friends lost respect for her. She would not listen to reason and alienated herself, still cooking him dinner and decorating his house, even though they were 'not together'. The worst part was that she didn't care and was hoping something would change. Hope is a beautiful thing but people can rationalize anything and in this case, her hope was sadly misplaced. Finally, he gave her an ultimatum to leave...she eventually did and is now on her own living with a friend...and slowly learning that she is better off without him.

Let me tell you as a friend it is absolutely horrible to watch someone you care about being put through the wringer like that for a piece of crap who doesn't appreciate or love them and to have the friend be in denial and/or asking what if and/or hoping for something to change. You MUST stay strong and remember...many many people have stories like my friend or my other girlfriend, or yours, but they manage to put it past them, move forward and onward and then look back and probably think...WHAT WAS I THINKING?

You are doing the right thing...and again I reiterate, do you have a friend who can help you through this and keep you strong? You have a battle ahead of you, get reinforcements who can help you.

One last thing..have you heard of that popular book 'He's just not that into you'? I know you are a guy and all but I highly recommend you read it. I read a few pages, it's very funny, and it really puts things into perspective in terms of ... reading other people's words and seeing how they rationalize away bad relationships really makes you stop and think...cant they see that?? It may help you out...if nothing else it gives you a laugh at how the 'advice' guy tells people what they can't seem to see, but it may also point out a few things you are doing in terms of rationalizing away bad behavior.

Good luck and be strong and start to move on.

 

[icekid]

Hi Kevin...

i have been following your thread, but have not replied yet as you have received such good advice already. but i just wanted to chime in a bit about you letter. and i really agree with blueroses. i think you need to remove some of the nice things. think about the horrible things she has done to you. honestly, why would you want to say anything that might make her think that she has any chance with you?

i think you need to make her realize this is final. don''t say- "Please do not contact me. Please..." it makes it sound almost like you are hoping she does. be FIRM, and say "Please do not contact me"- final. period. that''s it.

you can do this! and you''ll be so much better off when you do.

some very wise people told me when i broke up with an ex who just was not good for me- loving someone does NOT mean that they are right for you or that you should be with them.

like many here, i broke up with someone with whom i was in a very serious relationship. i was young, but still i was totally convinced that we would get married. but it was the best thing for me. my future hubby is a better match for me on every level. you will find your perfect girl! you just have to let go of this wrong one so that can happen....

i wish you the best. you seem like such a sweet and caring young man. you deserve so much better than what this girl is capable of giving you.

 

[goldengirl]

Date: 2/21/2005 1:34:46 PM
Author: rockupied

Fool you once, shame on her. Fool you twice, shame on you. I've been on both sides, I don't do well with confrontations, and I suffered emotionally for many years (from both perspectives).

I spent many of those miserable years trying to say and do the right things. The problem was my definition of 'the right things'. It was WAY off. Looking back I realize that I had no respect for the other person in the relationship, even though I cared for that person and even though I THOUGHT I loved that person. Healthy relationships only work if both people have the same definition of love.

She doesn't respect you and it's truly a very good thing that you have decided to move on. You do not owe her OR her family any explanations. It sounds to me like you just want to end it and you want her to know you've ended it. I think it's best to do it in person so there is no room for misunderstanding on her part. 'It's over. Don't contact me anymore.'

Don't listen to what she has to say. Don't answer your phone if she calls. Don't reply to letters or emails or pleas from her family. Looks easy to do in text, but it is very hard to do in reality. So hard to turn your back when you're heart is hurting.

It is a REALLY, REALLY hard thing to walk away. I've done it and I hurt 'the family's' feelings. I think that was the hardest part because they never really got to hear my side of the story. But you know what? They didn't need to. You do NOT have to justify or defend your actions to her or her family. Finally coming to that understanding was an epiphany for me.

You're a better person. Share that with someone who will love you with the respect you deserve.

I, too, have been-there-done-that-sold-the-Tshirt-at-a-garage-sale.

Kevin, I am glad you have made the decision to cut this toxic person out of your life. Sometimes, WE have to step up and make the hard decisions in life. You will be better off, and stronger, for having done it. It will take time to heal, but ultimately it is all for the best!

Now, as to your letter: I agree with what Mara said. A stronger tone, a much stronger close, take out the "please"s and "I forgive you"s and anything overly sentimental or sweet... you want her to see this decision as firm, strong, non-negotiable, not "maybe if I just call him.." You want her to see this as a goodbye letter, not a final plea for communication.

I am not overly fond of long goodbye letters in general, so I might just edit it to read:

Dear X,

It has become clear to me that you are not ready to deal with your problems or even admit that you have any. If you can't be honest with yourself, you can't be honest with me or the relationship. It is time that you recognize and acknowledge your self-destructive behaviour, and that you are in need of serious professional help.

I cannot be in a one-sided relationship that drains out all my energy and happiness, and leaves me with unbearable pain. I believe it is in the best interest of both of us that we go our separate ways.

I wish you only the best. Do not contact me again; I have no desire to speak with you further.

--Kevin

 

[Hest88]

Date: 2/21/2005 9:55

2 PM

Dear X,


It has become clear to me that you are not ready to deal with your problems or even admit that you have any. If you can't be honest with yourself, you can't be honest with me or the relationship. It is time that you recognize and acknowledge your self-destructive behaviour, and that you are in need of serious professional help.


I cannot be in a one-sided relationship that drains out all my energy and happiness, and leaves me with unbearable pain. I believe it is in the best interest of both of us that we go our separate ways.


I wish you only the best. Do not contact me again; I have no desire to speak with you further.


--Kevin

I like Goldengirl's letter. I know what you're trying to do with your letter; again, I've been there. You're hoping that she will read your letter and finally "get" how awful she's been and how much she's lost by treating you this way. However, I guarantee you it's not going to happen. Better to give her a firm letter that says an unequivocable goodbye.

 

[Buena Girl]

Date: 2/21/2005 4:33:14 PM
Author: JCJD
I think these are solid pieces of advice, so I will repeat them here.

~Make a CLEAN and COMPLETE break from her, her family, and your ''relationship'' with her.

~Put the ring in a safe deposit box.

~Change your phone number.

~Change your locks.

~Perhaps you should move so you don''t have those memories of her at your place.

~Concentrate on YOUR HAPPINESS AND PERSONAL WELL-BEING!

~Cling to God and/or your friends and/or your family and/or your coworkers (the more the better!) during this trying time in your life.

~Consider going to a therapist - there is absolutely no shame in doing so. A good therapist will simply guide you through your thoughts and emotions so you can determine the underlying issues you must deal with to grow and learn from this experience.

~Under NO circumstances should you take her back this time - she is not making you happy. You know this. Don''t let her keep making you miserable by taking her back and halting her progress in becoming an adult.

Good luck Kevin. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

hi Kevin,
I think JCJD''s post is perfect. I would recommend printing it out and taping it on a wall near your telephone or on the inside of your front door. It reads kind of like an outline or a checklist.

Also, that is a great first draft for your letter. I completely agree with everyone who has said give it a harsher tone. Give her the maximum amount of tough love.

There are a lot of amazing girls out there. I know you''ll find your Mrs. kevinraja!

 

[Todd07]

Hi Kevin,
To be candid, I think your letter smells a bit

After reading your note, I feel that you are trying to make her feel bad/guilty/shameful etc. and I expect it will be water off a duck.

You need to decide if the purpose of your note is to break up, or tell her what she needs to fix before you’ll have her back?

Why not just stick to the meat of the issue and focus on using the "I" word instead of "You did" laundry list. If she loved you with her whole heart, she would not have acted the way she did.
---------

Previously, I was madly in love with you. To me love means I am ready to sacrifice anything and everything. I now realize I want and need the same intensity of feelings and trust in return.

I can no longer trust you and that is what causes me the most pain. I don’t hate you for misleading and deceiving me, but neither can I forget or completely forgive.

It is time that I move on. I cannot be in a relationship that drains all my energy and happiness, and leaves me with unbearable pain. I never thought I would be saying this, but it is in our best interests for both of us that we move on in separate ways.

Do not contact me. (no “please” about it, be firm)

 

[FoundSomeoneWonderful]

Hi Kevin,

I think it is valuable for your own thinking that you wrote out your thoughts in the letter to your ex-girlfriend. I don''t think it''s the best letter to give her. I agree with those who have said it''s too long and leaves openings that you don''t want to have. I would go further in cutting it down, such as:

Dear X,

We''ve been together for some time now and it''s clear that the relationship has not worked well for either of us. I''ve decided to move on and it will be best if we make a clean break. That means I do not want you to contact me and I will not be contacting you.

I wish you the best,

Kevin

---------------------------------------
To say a little more, Kevin, it''s clear to me that you still are considering taking her back. All this talk about what is causing her behavior--bipolar, borderline personality, whatever--is only relevant if you take her back. It really doesn''t matter why she is abusing your trust. It especially doesn''t matter that she encouraged you to get the ring or that her family likes you, or any of the details that seem so important now. What is relevant is that her behavior is unacceptable to someone who respects himself. You don''t win any rewards for "understanding" her behavior and (inappropriately) blaming yourself for not giving her consequences. She is responsible for what she has done, not you. If you do love her, you will break it off completely and cleanly. The reality of that may get her into therapy, BUT it is not your role to even be suggesting that to her. Be very careful about contact after breaking up--she got pregnant once and while accidents happen, a college-educated person with issues like hers getting pregnant smells like there might have been conscious or subconscious manipulation behind getting pregnant. If she does that with you, you will be bound to her (and paying child support and fighting to see your child while she brings in boyfriend after boyfriend). So don''t do any break-up, last-time sex!

BTW: I learned, as many of those here did, the hard way. But I married the "toxic" person. I had put her through medical school and deferred my career (Ph.d too, but humanities). We had a child six years into the marriage and I did the childcare and my Phd studies during my wife''s residency and the start of a fellowship. She had an affair with her faculty supervisor (also married) and I eventually found out. Because of our daughter, I tried to reconcile, but my wife kept returning to this man, over a several month period. My "terms" were that she cut off contact with the other man and go to counseling with me. Finally I had to tell her that I was no longer going to reconcile and I was going to let the divorce be final (we met at a cafe). She pled with me that she wanted to be with me and not the other man. I was firm. It was not a discussion about what had happened or what she was willing to do. It was me telling her that our marriage was over. This was on a Friday. On Saturday, she and the other man and my daughter attended a fair together. In short, she gave up immediately when she saw she couldn''t manipulate me. Also, similar to your girlfriend, she had got pregnant by the other man--when we were in marriage counseling--and I too learned about an abortion from a doctor''s bill. Luckily, there was no chance it was my child.

I went to counseling during this time and learned a lot about how difficult it is to see things clearly about the other person in a situation like this. The counselor after a few months of trying to help me reconcile, said simply that I had to leave this woman. She (the counselor) gave me a frame to look at my wife''s behavior that helped--my wife had given me "gifts" in her recurrent wrong behavior that made my decision easy. Yet it wasn''t easy, it took repeating to myself that these were "gifts".

My friends also helped a lot. The saying is that a death takes a thousand tellings and so does the end of a relationship. I bent my friends ears on things. They also helped me later when I started dating and found myself attracted to the same toxic personality. I''d have problems with a girlfriend and they''d say "who does that sound like" and I''d have to answer it sounded like my ex-wife. You definitely have some of the issues I had with doing more in a relationship than the other person and thinking if you only even do more that the person will see that and reward you in kind. The "hydraulics" of relationships don''t work that way, human nature doesn''t always value what comes easily, and the personality you describe your girlfriend as having does not respect your love or you. I''ve dated for several years now and finally found someone who is just wonderful, loving, caring, smart, beautiful inside and out. We have a friendship based on mutual respect that I never knew was possible when I was in the middle of my marriage to my daughter''s mother.

So I''m just repeating above what others have said more concisely: Run away from this woman and believe in your heart you cannot be with her, because, Kevin, you cannot be with her and have a loving relationship. Be careful about slipping into the same thing with another person--from my dating experience, women who fit your "issues" will find you easily. I highly recommend you work with a counselor to give you "reality checks" on what''s acceptable in a relationship when you begin dating again. And I found my stable, smart, caring fiancee on a popular dating site, so they are out there.

 

[appletini]

Kevin,

I think everyone here has done a great job of editing your letter. I wish you the best! Rememeber be strong!

 

[rockupied]

WAIT- STOP!!!! I disagree with the masses here (doesn't make me right, but it is another point of view for consideration)....

Kevin,

Your letter is good therapy for YOU. In the past I've found that writing letters really gave me a better perception of myself and helped me to work through things.

I feel, from my own experiences, that giving her a letter is a cowardly way out and you will probably always regret having done it that way. When you don't get a response (because you presume the other person truly cares), you'll wonder "Did the letter get received?" Think about it- you've already said her mother hides things.

Or maybe you'll think, "Wow, she really didn't care! Maybe she didn't interpret the letter correctly?" And then you'll feel compelled to contact her again so you can listen to her manipulative pleas of forgiveness. That will make you feel like she cared.

I'm not saying that either of those situations will happen but it leaves open-ended options for her that still leave you totally hanging while you wait!

In reality, she already knows it's been over. Her actions say as much with her blatant disrespect and disregard of you and the relationship you so desperately sought with her. You are suffering and she has already moved on.

Unfortunately, your letter will NOT be good therapy or help for her or for her family. You still seem stuck on justifying your actions and doing what you can to "help" her.

Doing "the breakup" short, NOT sweet, and in person will be so hard, but I think you'll be much happier with yourself in the long run. Open your heart all the way by purging her out. You'll have absolute closure and then you will be able to move on without looking back. Don't ask her to "please" not contact you. Tell her- DO NOT CONTACT ME.




Edited to add: We do all agree on this, though…..

First- your hopefully soon-to-be in finality ex is TOXIC (I thought that word was appropriate, goldengirl!). Second, we become stronger and grow into better people by stepping up and making hard decisions, that we know are right!

 

[Erin]

I think that''s good advice rockupied

 

[blue_chica]

I agree with Rockupied...and everyone''s suggestions for tone are important whether you go with a letter or in person. You don''t want to give her ANY indication that there is ANY chance to talk to you or make any headway with you, because there isn''t, RIGHT?

 

[kevinraja]

Hello friends,
Thanks for all your input on the letter. I am removing "please" and "I forgive you..." and added "I don’t hate you, but neither can I forget or completely forgive." as per Todd''s advice, and "Do not contact me, as I don’t see any reason for us to be together. "

Anyway, rocupied advice sounds right that I need to break-up with her in person. But I can''t call her as she won''t pick up the phone, moreover she will never meet me if I say that I need to break up with her. So meeting her in person is not feasible, and I can''t drag this until she decides to meet me. Even though forwarding her the letter through her mom sounds a good idea, there is a possibility that she might not forward it. I thought about sending her a email, but it wouldn''t look serious, as she might respond me back. So I have decided to stop by her work, slide the letter through her car door or windshield.

Her sister, who is 25 btw, is a good friend of mine. She works at the same place that I work, but in a different department. This is what she wrote me.

----------------------------------------------------
Hey,
I don''t know what has been going on with you and my sister and I usually tend to be logical about things like this rather than emotional. So here is my opinion (I''m not sure if you want it or not but here it is ). she does not deserve you, she is playing around, she has been playing around for a long long time and I don''t see why you should stick around for her. You deserve better and she is a selfish mindless little bitch. So get yourself together and forget about it. a cheater is always a cheater. a liar is always a liar. Especially if they don''t recognize that there is something wrong with that. She is a sick person and she choses to stay that way and neither you or anyone else has to pay for it except her. So get yourself together, make friends (i hope i''ll be one of them), you are still young and you have so much to offer to the person who deserves you. None of us is perfect but at least when we make mistakes we fix them or try to talk them out.

Anyway, That''s what i have to say. Get your work done and get your life together. Don''t call her unless you''re going to break up with her and don''t be emotional, don''t leave her long messages. I know it will hurt (I know i''m her sister) but be strong and selfish this time. Alright Raja, hope i didn''t hurt your feelings but sometimes you really got to be this way otherwise you''ll never move on in life. Her shit really affects me, it has affected me since high school so I know that she won''t change and I don''t think I''m going to stick around to see it happen over and over again. It gets boring :-p

Have a wonderful day Raja, don''t hesitate to email me or call me (I don''t want to talk about her if you call me though) and I will see you tomorrow for coffee.

Ur buddy
...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I never thought that her sister who happens to be a very calm and non-confrontational person will have such and advice for me. Anyways, I feel a LOT better now, hope I continue to feel that way. Thanks guys.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Whether you write her a letter or see her in person, DO NOT have any more contact with her EVER AGAIN. Staying in touch lets you hang on to false hopes, etc. I''ve had breakups that have been agonizingly prolonged by staying in touch because I "cared for that person." I''ve had breakups where, while killing me, we made a clean break. Those were much easier. Every time you talk to her, you''ll start fantasizing about how maybe things could work out or you''ll think about all the good times and forget the bad ones.

 

[lindsal]

Taken from Solange's note on Page 4: But what I wanted to impress on you is this: That when you think you are communicating with someone like this, the information is not being processed. It makes no impact. They will be sweet and remorseful when it serves their purpose. As soon as they feel they are back in control, the situation starts all over again. Nothing sinks in because their minds are cluttered with their own destructive thoughts and plans.

I've not read the entire thread, but scanned most of it and know that you have gotten some good words of wisdom on each side. However, I think the note above and the notes saying "it's you who has to make the decision within yourself to be firm about where you draw the line" are the two most important from my perspective.

Kevinraja, unless you can bolster yourself to walk away from this strongly and not give in to what a desperate self pleasing confused person will do to get you back, hurt your more, play upon the giving nature of your soul.. this is going to be a long long journey.

Make sure you stiffen your spine, and focus on the road ahead. YOU are the number one person you need to tend to in life right now. Focus on yourself, your feelings and your strengths to get over this period and best wishes in the future.

 

[rockupied]

Quite frankly, Kevin, I think you are making excuses when you say that "meeting her in person is not feasible". If, and I wonder some, IF you REALLY want to end it with her you could and would find her for the few moments it would take to unquestionably end it. You even said so. "So I have decided to stop by her work". Sliding a letter through her car door is a cop-out in my opinion.

If you would rather teeter on the edge of misery, then you will keep making and accepting excuses.

TAKE CONTROL IF YOU WANT TO END IT. You can do it! Look at all the people that support you!

 

[kevinraja]

Date: 2/22/2005 12:11:17 PM
Author: rockupied

Quite frankly, Kevin, I think you are making excuses when you say that 'meeting her in person is not feasible; If, and I wonder some, IF you REALLY want to end it with her you could and would find her for the few moments it would take to unquestionably end it. You even said so. 'So I have decided to stop by her work'. Sliding a letter through her car door is a cop-out in my opinion.

If you would rather teeter on the edge of misery, then you will keep making and accepting excuses.

TAKE CONTROL IF YOU WANT TO END IT. You can do it! Look at all the people that support you!

Rockupied, this is NOT any other girl who would stop and listen what I had to say. If I decide to wait for her to talk in person, she will either try to run into her car to leave the place or listen to what I have to say with her ears closed. Even if she decides to hear, I don't know whether she will understand that I am dead serious. And it might give her a chance to shed tears, mellow me, apologize, or manipulate me back into the mess. And I wouldn't want to lose control of the situation. I would do what you suggested if it were someone who is serious about serious things, but she is a kind of a person who is afraid of confrontations and truth. Do you understand my situation Rockupied? Do you still think I should do this in person?

 

[appletini]

Perhaps you should ask her sister to put the letter on her pillow.

 

[rockupied]

Kevin,

I know I''ve said some pretty harsh things. They are not meant to be mean. My heart truly aches for you in this situation. I have been in your shoes- wanting to end it desperately, but still caring for the person. In hindsight, all I was doing was trying to convince myself that I was not a bad person.

The fact of the matter is, being a strong person is really hard. You can''t let her manipulate you back into the mess. I know it''s easier said than done.

Maybe an option is to just not reach out at all? Just stop, cold turkey. Don''t give her a letter, don''t leave a voice message or an email. And when she decides it is time to come back you can either tell her in person then, or just not answer the door, or the email, or the phone.

I can''t imagine what kind of relationship you''ve had for the past five years if you consider her a person that is someone who is not serious about things and afraid of the truth.

This is really only as hard as you let it be. Have confidence in yourself and do what you know is right- not what you "think" is the right thing to do. Does that make sense?

 

[Hest88]

Kevin, you do what you have to do to break up with her. Just don''t forget the desired result---to cut off all ties and heal your heart. Good luck.

 

[Mara]

This is really only as hard as you let it be

I can't agree with this more...you have the power to take control of your own life. Frankly, this girl sounds absolutely ridiculous with her antics, and I can't imagine being in love with such a creature.

Don't make any more excuses or rationalizations to us, just figure out what you need to do for yourself. Do you REALLY need a bunch of random people on a message board telling you how to run your life? Figure out the best way to do this whether it be letter or in person or through her sister, and JUST DO IT. Since you know her so well, you know the best way to do it, and do it so that there is no hope.

Though to be very frank, it sounds like even if you write her the most harsh letter in the world with the most horrible things enclosed, she still would try to come back when she is ready and make up with you, on her terms. She will not respect your wishes, she never has. You are gearing up to have a huge fight on your hands and I hope you are going to be strong enough to stick with it. I strongly suggest therapy for assistance, my girlfriend with the horrible ex had to do this for 6 months BEFORE the breakup to finally be able to let it go and understand from a professional what was going on.

 

[blueroses]

Kevin, I can't say whether the rockupied/in-person approach (1), a cold turkey cut (2), or the letter (3) is better--but I do agree that you have to make this break soon, firm, cold, and make it stick. She is a master manipulator, and you have to be strong and be brutal.

I think it's interesting that we--a bunch of strangers--have such similar things to say as her sister, who's been in the thick of your ex's illness and destruction all these years. So I think the consensus is clear, and you have support both literal and virtual for this.

One thought about her sister: I think it's great that she is there for you, but I would be very careful about her being sort of a conduit/crutch through to your ex. I would make it clear that you do NOT want her saying anything about you to your ex, and you don't want to hear anything about the ex through her. She may be a buddy and a source of well-informed (battle-scarred!!) support in this, but don't let her be a middle-man--make sure that she doesn't cause any holes in the break-up wall.

Be strong!!!

 

[rockupied]

* delete * blueroses clarified

 

[Mara]

rock, I don''t think she was saying you mentioned cold turkey, someone else did...hence the comma''s in her post to show various approaches.

 

[blueroses]

rock, I indeed meant what mara said: cold turkey was a 3rd option vs. yours (in person and harsh and short/not sweet) or the letter. I'd better add some ##'s to the commas up there!!

 

[rockupied]

Mara,

Actually- I did mention it, too, in a post as another alternative. We''ve provided Kevin with a lot of options and a LOT of advice. He has to be the one to follow through with whatever he feels is best acclimated to his situation. We all know that, whichever method he chooses, this girl needs to be gone from his life!

By the way, I love the link in your signature….

 

[blueroses]

Eek, I just clicked on that link!!! Mara, is that your westie? So cute!!

(And Rock, I think we all agree! No matter which way he does it, this girl is a malignant "tu-mah" that needs to be cut out of his life!!!)

 

[rockupied]

Blueroses,

I think this demonstrates my point exactly- writing will be interpreted by whomever is reading it.

In person is truly the best way to communicate, even if it''s not the most convenient or comfortable.

 

[blueroses]

I''m just thinking about this more and more. I think the writing of the letter is indeed therapeutic and helpful for Kevin. On the other hand, we know that she is sick and everything he says/writes is going to roll off her back--she chooses not to get it.

I''ve never been in such a toxic or messy break-up, but I did have an ugly one in which I was dumped over the phone. No matter how final things were for HIM, it certainly didn''t stop me from calling, crying, writing.....until we got together in person for the "exchange of the stuff," I didn''t have closure before that--and even then, it was difficult, but the more indirect method over the phone did leave me feeling that there was still something I could do--it wasn''t REAL to me--so I can understand what Rock means. Plus the misunderstanding of how I referred to her post is a good case-in-point about how words on the pages can be a game of telephone.

Now, this girl is a piece of work, and I can understand Kevin''s fear of her wrenching control AGAIN in a face-to-face situation. Perhaps a public place? With a pre-emptive comment that if she runs out of there before he finishes what he has to say that he will not be going after her and that that will be the last time she sees him, so she can choose to hear him or not, but this is it? I don''t know. She''s a ticking timebomb!!

 

[kevinraja]

Date: 2/22/2005 1:38

9 PM
Author: blueroses

Now, this girl is a piece of work, and I can understand Kevin''s fear of her wrenching control AGAIN in a face-to-face situation. Perhaps a public place? With a pre-emptive comment that if she runs out of there before he finishes what he has to say that he will not be going after her and that that will be the last time she sees him, so she can choose to hear him or not, but this is it? I don''t know. She''s a ticking timebomb!!

Blueroses, you said it right. I am in "fear of her wrenching control AGAIN in a face-to-face situation." She knows that I am madly in love with her and that I dont'' see a life without her as I have told her so in the past. It WAS true. Even if I start with a pre-emptive comment as you suggested, since knows that I love her and that I would never break-up with her for REAL, she will just pooh-pooh the pre-emptive comment. And that is why I don''t want to do it in person.

Anyway, she called me about 1 pm on my cellphone & my workphone out of the blue, probably expecting to hear me say "Baby, why are you doing this, please come back home....It is okay. whatever happened has happened. Lets start anew." But I didn''t pick up, I don''t intend to. I am going to go ahead with my plan to insert the letter in her car, and disappear somewhere for the next 6 or so hours, because she will try to reach me in whatever way possible, and probably come to my apartment. I don''t want to give her any chance of her talking to me or seeing me. It is about time that she feels atleast the part of the pain that I have been going through.