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Ideal_Rock
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- Apr 18, 2008
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link to full article
Excerpt
By Amy Bloom
(OPRAH.com) -- It''s a good and bad thing to be considered an expert in love. I don''t think there''s any point in pretending that you get to be an expert by meeting your soul mate early on, going through a few meaningful ups and downs, marrying in a cloud of good taste or even in a meteor shower of funk and crunk, and then dying, 50 or 60 years later, having had a faithful and fulfilling love life. We don''t call those people experts. We call them lucky.
Make sure spouse has the ''right'' faults
People like me, who write about lust and love in fiction and nonfiction, who have clearly made several important and completely necessary detours in their private life, people who have more than one wedding ring in their jewelry box, these people we call experts.
Go figure.
Here''s the heart and the head of it: Know yourself, know the other, and face the truth about yourselves.
What ''know yourself'' means
Here''s what I noticed after 25 years of being a psychotherapist and 55 years of being a person: There is just about no point in complaining about another person. Not because other people aren''t annoying. (My God, there are people who''ve been put on this earth just to make me roll my eyes and mutter disapprovingly. In my family, as a matter of fact, "other people" is the standard explanation for almost all misfortune.) But because -- especially in intimate relationships -- the complaint about Him or Her will, unfortunately and inevitably, wind its way around to You. Oprah.com: Are you a nag? How to stop!
He''s often late, which is inconsiderate = I fear not being sufficiently appreciated. Thanks, Dad.
He thinks about his needs first, and mine second = If you express your needs, no one will love you. Thanks, Mom.
Your partner''s faults are real (I''m on your side here) and various and even grievous, but those are their faults and, frankly, we''re here to talk about you& and me.
I went to see my former therapist, for a tune-up, shortly after I remarried. I wanted, on the one hand, to tell him how blissfully happy I was, because I knew that he''d be happy for me, and because I was in that stage of love where I would have paid people to listen to me talk about my wonderful husband. (I had already exhausted my friends, my family, my cleaning lady, and the mailman, who was nice enough to say, regularly, "Sounds like a great guy.") On the other hand, I wanted to complain. My husband was wonderful -- but not perfect. This was very upsetting.
Dr. Shrink: So let me make sure I understand -- on two occasions, in the course of the last year, he had too much to drink and at least once a week he comes home from work later than he said he would, and although he usually calls about being late, he doesn''t always, and sometimes you have to poke him to get him to acknowledge that you''ve been kept waiting.
Amy: Yes. (The implication of my "yes" is: Feel free to sympathize; also, anytime you''d like to discuss his imperfections and their likely source, go right ahead.)
Dr. Shrink: I want to make sure I understand --
Amy: Yes. (Meaning: Let''s get started -- he''s selfish, possibly unreliable, and impulsive...)
Dr. Shrink: You came to see an expensive psychoanalyst to tell me that the man you married has faults of which you''ve been aware since you''ve known him? This is why you''re here? Oprah.com: 20 questions to ask before you get married
Amy: Yes.
(So not what I was hoping for.)
continue story here...
Excerpt
By Amy Bloom
(OPRAH.com) -- It''s a good and bad thing to be considered an expert in love. I don''t think there''s any point in pretending that you get to be an expert by meeting your soul mate early on, going through a few meaningful ups and downs, marrying in a cloud of good taste or even in a meteor shower of funk and crunk, and then dying, 50 or 60 years later, having had a faithful and fulfilling love life. We don''t call those people experts. We call them lucky.
Make sure spouse has the ''right'' faults
People like me, who write about lust and love in fiction and nonfiction, who have clearly made several important and completely necessary detours in their private life, people who have more than one wedding ring in their jewelry box, these people we call experts.
Go figure.
Here''s the heart and the head of it: Know yourself, know the other, and face the truth about yourselves.
What ''know yourself'' means
Here''s what I noticed after 25 years of being a psychotherapist and 55 years of being a person: There is just about no point in complaining about another person. Not because other people aren''t annoying. (My God, there are people who''ve been put on this earth just to make me roll my eyes and mutter disapprovingly. In my family, as a matter of fact, "other people" is the standard explanation for almost all misfortune.) But because -- especially in intimate relationships -- the complaint about Him or Her will, unfortunately and inevitably, wind its way around to You. Oprah.com: Are you a nag? How to stop!
He''s often late, which is inconsiderate = I fear not being sufficiently appreciated. Thanks, Dad.
He thinks about his needs first, and mine second = If you express your needs, no one will love you. Thanks, Mom.
Your partner''s faults are real (I''m on your side here) and various and even grievous, but those are their faults and, frankly, we''re here to talk about you& and me.
I went to see my former therapist, for a tune-up, shortly after I remarried. I wanted, on the one hand, to tell him how blissfully happy I was, because I knew that he''d be happy for me, and because I was in that stage of love where I would have paid people to listen to me talk about my wonderful husband. (I had already exhausted my friends, my family, my cleaning lady, and the mailman, who was nice enough to say, regularly, "Sounds like a great guy.") On the other hand, I wanted to complain. My husband was wonderful -- but not perfect. This was very upsetting.
Dr. Shrink: So let me make sure I understand -- on two occasions, in the course of the last year, he had too much to drink and at least once a week he comes home from work later than he said he would, and although he usually calls about being late, he doesn''t always, and sometimes you have to poke him to get him to acknowledge that you''ve been kept waiting.
Amy: Yes. (The implication of my "yes" is: Feel free to sympathize; also, anytime you''d like to discuss his imperfections and their likely source, go right ahead.)
Dr. Shrink: I want to make sure I understand --
Amy: Yes. (Meaning: Let''s get started -- he''s selfish, possibly unreliable, and impulsive...)
Dr. Shrink: You came to see an expensive psychoanalyst to tell me that the man you married has faults of which you''ve been aware since you''ve known him? This is why you''re here? Oprah.com: 20 questions to ask before you get married
Amy: Yes.
(So not what I was hoping for.)
continue story here...
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