More guest stuff -- people who invite themselves

[CJ2008]

Have you guys had anyone invite themselves to your wedding? And how do you feel about it?

Personally, I find it really annoying. You''ll probably be horrified when I tell you that I felt this way with a friend of mine. We were closer at one time, when I was a lot younger, but through the years, we''ve grown apart. We talk every couple of months or so, and truthfully, he''s the one that initiates most of the phone calls. And I think if I gave more, or made more of an effort, we would be closer. So about a year ago when I called to tell him I had gotten engaged, he was like, "when and where is the wedding, I''m there!" Most "normal" people would find that to be such a nice thing for someone to say, right? Not me...quite honestly, I had not even thought about who I was going to invite at that point, and so I felt a little pressured. I''ve been going back and forth all this time wondering if I should just invite him and save myself the heartache...but at the same time I resented him for assuming he''d be invited. To tell you the truth, I can''t tell any more whether I don''t want to invite him just because I don''t want to invite him, or because I resent him assuming he''d be invited. As much as I like him, and think he would be there for me if I ever needed him, I don''t feel particularly close to him. Then again, I can be a little anti-social.

I felt this way when one of my FI''s friends/co-workers did the same thing when he told her we were engaged, so it''s nothing personal against my friend...I just would never want anybody to think they have to invite me to their wedding, or anything else...

Could you see my side of this, or am I way off and not appreciating someone who obviously thinks of me as a very good friend? What do you guys think?

 

[v!v!]

hi claudinam,

i experienced something similar. an ex co-worker of mine and i were chatting via email and in his last response said, "am i invited to the wedding?" i was left speechless (or type-less in this case

). i had no idea how to respond to this because we''re not really close and we only chat through email every other month or so. i was talking with my mom and asked her how i should respond. she told me to just tell him that we''re having a small wedding and we''re keeping it to family and long time friends.

i agree with you that it''s a bit irritating when people invite themselves to the wedding, but i do get the feeling that you do like your friend and had he not asked if he was invited in the first place you would have invited him. so if it were me, i''d invite him and look past the initial conversation you had with him about your wedding. good luck with this, whatever you decide to do!

 

[HollyS]

I didn''t allow it. I brought them up short. That''s just the height of crass as far as I''m concerned. I even had to ''adjust'' my boss''s thinking, because he thought he was invited. Uh, no. You aren''t family or friend.

I have to admit, I did not have my wedding at our church because I did not want people assuming they could just show up. We deliberately had it at a neutral location, and did not broadcast our plans. Some people actually tried prying info from invitees. I just think that''s bizarre.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 3/12/2008 1:43:15 PM
Author: HollyS
I didn''t allow it. I brought them up short. That''s just the height of crass as far as I''m concerned. I even had to ''adjust'' my boss''s thinking, because he thought he was invited. Uh, no. You aren''t family or friend.

I have to admit, I did not have my wedding at our church because I did not want people assuming they could just show up. We deliberately had it at a neutral location, and did not broadcast our plans. Some people actually tried prying info from invitees. I just think that''s bizarre.

Church weddings are the worst (in my experience). People think they are entitled to come for a free feed or something. One of my close friends was told by the pastor''s wife that she MUST invite everyone. She had 250 people at her wedding because of this and it was at a nice country club. She no longer goes to that church and is still bitter that she was guilted into it.

Engagement rings should come with a backbone. We have to learn to say no. You cannot invite yourself when it''s not your shindig to do the inviting. We had only 50 people at our wedding...very difficult to do in asian cultures...and my share was only 25, of which my family was half! I guess it helps I''m a b*tch and don''t have many friends. Hehehe. I just told people we were limited in space and I couldn''t invite everyone. End of story.

 

[CJ2008]

v!v! - I do like my friend...and you make a good point, would I have invited him to the wedding, if he had not said anything? If I look inside myself, I don''t think I would have...why, I don''t know, it is someone I know for a very long time, and I don''t have a lot of other friends (told you I''m a little anti-social!). I think maybe as time passed and saw we had the "room" because other people weren''t going, I might have considered it though...

HollyS - yeah, I''m kind of weird that way...except for the CLOSEST people to me, and I mean CLOSEST, like my sister, aunt/uncle, mom/dad, to me everyone else should not ask if they''re invited or make comments to let me know they assume they''ll be invited. I think it''s kind of rude, even if in their heart they mean well, to show they care about me by wanting to be at my wedding.

 

[CJ2008]

TravelingGal -- my aim was to have only 20-24, and if I send out all the invitations I have printed, and everyone comes, we will end up with 35. And if I add this friend and his girlfriend, that''s 37. And that''s another bit of an annoying thing because he met this girl a few months ago, are practically living together, and now I''d feel funny inviting him without her, as I would have originally done. I know that isn''t THAT many more people, but it just isn''t what I want. I was glad to read you don''t have that many friends, only because it helps me realize I''m not the only person in the world who isn''t a social butterfly, and all loving 100% of the time. Of course, I should add that I will have NO friends of my own at the wedding if I don''t invite this person, and I am OK with that...my sis will be there.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 3/12/2008 2:05:18 PM
Author: claudinam
TravelingGal -- my aim was to have only 20-24, and if I send out all the invitations I have printed, and everyone comes, we will end up with 35. And if I add this friend and his girlfriend, that's 37. And that's another bit of an annoying thing because he met this girl a few months ago, are practically living together, and now I'd feel funny inviting him without her, as I would have originally done. I know that isn't THAT many more people, but it just isn't what I want. I was glad to read you don't have that many friends, only because it helps me realize I'm not the only person in the world who isn't a social butterfly, and all loving 100% of the time. Of course, I should add that I will have NO friends of my own at the wedding if I don't invite this person, and I am OK with that...my sis will be there.

You are inviting the people who you love. I used the following as a guide: will this person still be someone I am talking to 20 years from now? Only 4 friends passed the test. For the same reason, I asked my brother to be my man of honor. No matter what, I know that I can look back on my wedding photos and feel happy someone who I love, and loves me, stood by my side. Too many of my friends look back at their wedding albums and say "I don't even talk to my MOH anymore."

Do not feel bad about not inviting this person. You have your gut feeling...go with it. You won't regret it.

 

[Independent Gal]

How about this one? My best friend / moh''s grandma is desperate DESPERATE to come to the wedding. She actually called me to ask if she could come, and I kind of prevaricated. Now she brings it up with MOH all the time. She keeps saying "I only want to see the ceremony. I want to see Indy get married! I won''t stay for dinner!" She apparently keeps claiming that she''s known me since I was a baby. Actually, we first met when I was about 20, several years after MOH and I became friends but whatever!

I actually think it''s kind of adorable, even though it''s INCREDIBLY awkward. I''d invite her to the ceremony, but i feel like despite what she says, I can''t possibly be so rude as to not invite her to dinner too if I did that.

 

[CJ2008]

TGal - your 20-year test is a very good one! You are so right about needing to follow my gut. I'm going to take the plunge and talk to him.

IGal - so what do you plan on doing? Do you think you'll end up just inviting her to both? I am glad you can deal with the awkwardness and actually think it's adorable she's asking, I'm sure she's a very nice lady, and it makes it easier on you to actually not be annoyed with her.

 

[bee*]

I''ve had that happen to me and I find it incredibly frustrating. I nipped it in the bud straight
away though and basically said that it was only family and close friends. I''ve also had another
friend who''s told me that she has two guests (just friends of hers) that she wants to bring with her-eh no you won''t be! I''d just tell them that it''s just very close friends and family only.

 

[PostIt]

Although I am a LIW (very soon to be BIW), I already get these questions from people at work. I looked on Miss Manners on how to answer this politely, and she suggests we say, "Oh, dear, it''s just going to be a small family wedding, maybe a few, old, intimate friends. You are so nice to take an interest."

However, I haven''t been able to bring myself to say it to anyone, mostly because as polite as I am, this is not a natural response for me. I will have to practice in the mirror.

When I get questions or implications on being invited to the wedding, I have been saying that my SO wants a small wedding, and people seem upset that they may not be invited. But at least this way I feel like it''s not my fault they won''t be invited.

 

[Pandora II]

FI and I decided to host a drinks party in London 2 weeks after the wedding.

When people start asking questions, I get in first and tell them to put 08/08/08 in their diary for our "London Wedding Party".

It has got the message across without anyone having to even ask about the "real" wedding!

ETA: I did get bullied into inviting FFIL's wife's 3 kids.

Seems very unfair as FMIL's husband has 5 . FMIL has also been married to her husband for almost 20 years now. He has 5 grown-up children who FI and I get on really well with. We all have an agreement that we don't do xmas presents/wedding invitations etc because there are just so many of us and when you add in partners it's totally ridiculous.

FFIL has been married to the witch since 2003, and it's all a bit hideous. In the end I caved in, as FBIL tipped me off that FFIL was getting loads of abuse over it. I am still seething though.

FI and I have a substantial B list and we have to invite people I have met twice in 3.5 years and am unlikely to see again more than once every two years, over people we see every week.

Grrrrrrr - add to that that her son is a ghastly lecherous drunk who doesn't take no for an answer.

 

[appletini]

Well since you did call him to tell him that you are engaged, he is giong to assumed that he is invited because you shared that big news with him. If had called you and the engagement came up in converstation it would be different.

When I got engaged all the coworkers immediately started asking questions, and I just said that "we wanted to enjoy our engagment and would start planning the wedding after the holidays (it was december), but that we were thinking of a small destination wedding". Then by the time the new year rolled around and I actually had plans all the excitement had died down. We ended up not having a destination wedding but that was b/c 3 of the groomsman had wives who were pregnant.

 

[Haven]

The best way to deal with people who assume they are invited to your wedding is to say "Oh, how very sweet of you to think of us. We''re actually having a very small wedding with only our closest friends and family, though." And leave it at that. It doesn''t matter if you''re having 300 guests at the local country club.

However, if you called this friend to tell him about your engagement, though, I don''t think he was crass in expecting an invitation. That doesn''t mean you have to invite him, but I must say I would be surprised if a friend who called me to specifically tell me of her engagement did not want to invite me to the wedding, unless it was very small.

 

[Haven]

The best way to deal with people who assume they are invited to your wedding is to say "Oh, how very sweet of you to think of us. We''re actually having a very small wedding with only our closest friends and family, though." And leave it at that. It doesn''t matter if you''re having 300 guests at the local country club.

However, if you called this friend to tell him about your engagement, I don''t think he was crass in expecting an invitation. That doesn''t mean you have to invite him, but I must say I would be surprised if a friend who called me to specifically tell me of her engagement did not want to invite me to the wedding, unless it was very small.

 

[deorwine]

20-24 is TINY. I don''t think that would even include all my relatives! Adding two people to your target of 20 would be like increasing your wedding attendance by 10%, which is quite a lot.

It would be one thing if you were having a 250-person wedding and didn''t invite him. But a 20-24 person wedding is so obviously "PRETTY MUCH FAMILY ONLY" that I don''t think anyone could really be reasonably insulted at not being invited. Just tell him how small it''s going to be. He probably doesn''t realize that.

 

[tberube]

I can''t even tell you how many people have outright asked me if they were invited to the wedding, or that they "expect an invite in the mail" (with a chuckle, as if that''s funny or something). Most of the time they are invited, but other times, I have been forced to tell them that the wedding is small and I was not able to invite everyone I wanted, and ask them not to feel bad about it. It was all I could say, but I thought it was just so rude to put me in a corner and force me to provide answers as to whom I''m inviting to my wedding and why.

And then I have a friend that I haven''t seen since college (6 years ago), who, since I''ve been engaged, has emailed me and written me myspace messages at least once or twice a month asking me how the wedding planning is going, telling me she misses me so, and remembers the "good times we had together in college." I can tell she''s fishing for an invitation, even though she hasn''t called or written for six years before I was engaged! It''s so discomforting...I never thought it would be such a big thing to get invited to weddings. I''ve personally never cared if I was invited to a wedding or not, I''ve never taken it personally...

Weddings really do bring out the worst in many people. Even those who are seemingly not involved in it at all...

 

[jdinsf]

I have to agree with Appletini... since you called to share the news that yougot engaged, it makes sense that your friend would assume that they''re invited. If the friend was close enough to call and share the news with, it stands to reason that they''d be close enough to invite (given space, budget constraints, etc).

Things change though... My FI had a close friend in High School, who became less close in college and in the three years since then, they only keep up with eachother through occasional instant message conversations and distant, but mutual, acquantinces. Just the other day- for the first time in 9 months or so- this former close friend IM''d my FI and asked when and where the wedding was so that he could "try to make it." FI just ignored the message. He''s been fretting a bit about whether to call this former friend and let him know he''s not invited. I said, no need to call right now, just let the issue drop. If former friend actually calls and asks point blank about an invitation, all FI needs to do is explain that we''re having a very small wedding (true) and that we''re only able to invite those that we''re closest to now (also true). It''s delicate, but as others have said, it''s imperetive that we not get sucked in by the guilt-trap.

 

[CJ2008]

bee* - I was so unprepared for ANYONE to invite themselves to the wedding, I didn''t know what to say! Especially because back then I had not even thought about who we were going to be inviting, where it was going to be, nothing...

PostIt - you had me laughing out loud when I pictured you saying to the mirror "Oh, dear, it''s just going to be a small family wedding, maybe a few, old, intimate friends. You are so nice to take an interest." I''m not sure anybody could say that! I think you''re on the right track, announcing how it''s likely you''ll have a small wedding. But, if I were you, I''d say BOTH of you want a small wedding...it''s a little harder to deal with, but in the end, you''ll probably feel better if that''s really what you want as well.

Pandora II - sorry to hear about FFIL''s wife''s 3 kids coming to your wedding. Thankfully, that hasn''t happened to us. Nobody has yet said, oh what about the kids? So I''m keeping my fingers crossed. The only children we''ll have there are my niece and my FI''s niece, both VERY special to us.

appletini - I understand the point you''re making about me having called him. And I called him because I did want to share the news with him (although, I did call him probably several weeks, may have even been a month or more, after the actual engagement) BUT -- I am not sure that still gives someone the "right" to tell you they''re assuming they''re invited to the wedding. They can THINK it, and assume it, which is OK, but once it comes out of their mouth, they''re putting you on the spot. I, too, was not even THINKING about the actual wedding at that point, but once he told me he was invited, he kind of forced me to having to UN-invite him, even though the invite never came from me.

Haven - kind of the same thing I told appletini...I do see your point, but I still think it wasn''t his call to make...

deorwine - we''ll probably end up with more, 20-24 is what I''d really like...I just think it''s still about having there who I want, even if it ends up being 50. I don''t want to insult anyone, but that is just the point...I never invited him...he invited himself...

tberube - that''s kind of how I feel...they''re making you UNinvite them, which puts you in an awkward situation that THEY caused. And yes, weddings seem to create a LOT of expectations for people, and hurt feelings if they''re not invited. Same thing with asking people to be your bridesmaids, or declining to be a bridesmaid. I wasn''t the best bridesmaid, mostly because I don''t deal well with large groups. I think I did a lot for the bride, but compared to me it seemed everyone was willing to do more, to spend ANY amount of money to make the bride happy...but as much as I loved her, that wasn''t how I felt...and that''s why I''m not having any bridesmaids! (well, that, and I don''t really have any friends haha) I don''t want people to have to do for me, unless they want to. My sister will be standing by me at the altar, and my FI''s wife will be there, who has become a friend, and who I love dearly.

 

[CJ2008]

jdinsf - I know...I see appletini''s point, haven''s and yours...I really do...but l really feel that it''s OK for him to assume it, think it, whatever...just not TELL me, so that once he does, it''s kind of like huh...no, sorry, we''re only having VERY close friends and family. At the time when I told him, I had no idea what the wedding was going to look like, where it was going to be, how many people, nothing...it took us quite a while to even come up with the date! But, point taken...I hope you can kind of see mine too.

 

[dragonfly411]

I''m having a similar problem now. Except the girl that I''m not as close to expects to be IN the wedding as one of my bridesmaids. I don''t know that that is what I want. I had planned on my sister, my cousin and another dear friend, whom I have been closer too for longer OVERALL to be my bridesmaids... I didn''t even plan on inviting this girl for sure, because my family really doesn''t approve of her lifestyle anymore, and frankly, neither do I. I don''t know what to do though.

 

[appletini]

I do think its rude that he assummed and verbalized it to you, but I can see how he got the idea...thats all I was trying to say. Just tell him its a small wedding.

Actuall we had a smaller wedding, and DH''s sister had a big one so when it was our turn my MIL had an engagement party and invited all these people that DH hadnt seen in years, and I was so worried that I was going to get cornered at the party about the wedding...luckily no one approached me, and my MIL had told everyone that we were having a very small wedding. But my other SIL said that they way they are, they''d at least like to come to something for us than nothing, so I felt better about it.

I had another friend that I emailed when the big E happened, and he was due to be in town for the holidays for two weeks, and he never called me to meet up, so then I didn''t invite him. The funny thing was several months after our wedding he sent an email asking how the planning was going and I told him I was a Mrs. now.

 

[CJ2008]

appletini - I totally get what you were trying to say. It was actually one of those points where I was like, wow, I didn''t think of it that way...and I will have to tell him it''s a small wedding, the only other option is to invite him and his girlfriend...and I don''t think I want to do that. We''ve had very positive/happy reactions to our engagement...mixed ones about our wedding...a few people thinking Mexico''s too far, too expensive, etc...we are basically at the point that whoever goes, goes...we''ll see. I just have to take a deep breath and call him to tell him I can''t invite him...not an easy thing to do.

 

[CJ2008]

dragonfly441 - sorry, I missed your post when I just wrote back to appletini. Easier said than done, but how others have said to me, go with your gut...you''re not even sure you were going to invite this girl at all, you don''t like her lifestyle, those are two very good reasons to not have her as your bridesmaid. As difficult and delicate as these situations are, I usually end up finding the strength to do what''s right for me...try to do the same, and be true to what you want. Otherwise you''ll please her, but where does that leave you?

 

[julabean]

I have two stories of people trying to invite themselves to my wedding. The first is kind of funny...in a "glad I didn''t end up with him" kind of way. FI proposed when were in the UK - in Scotland. I had been in Europe for about a month when I met up with FI and we drove around the UK for a few weeks before heading home. He proposed two days into our trip at Loch Ness. So, as you can imagine, I wasn''t really calling everyone I knew because I was, uh, in Europe. (And also, it''s not really my style.) A guy I had been involved with for awhile in college happened to call me a few weeks after I got home and was like, "I saw on Facebook that you were engaged!" We chatted a bit and then he said, "So when is the wedding? I get to come, right?" I was like, "Uhm...we haven''t really planned anything yet..." and sidestepped the question. A few months later when I was randomly surfing myspace, I found a comment he had left to a mutual friend about a day after I got engaged. "Julabean got engaged and didn''t even call me!" Uh, yeah. So glad that didn''t work out... For the record, the only people I called were my parents and my best friend (MOH)!

The other story is more annoying than anything else. I grew up with a girl who is around my age who lived down the street. We were friends when we were in elementary school but really lost touch in middle school and high school. Her brother invited my parents to his wedding a few years ago and I knew they would come up on the guest list. I told my parents flat out that I didn''t think it was appropriate for someone who I wasn''t close to and her parents to be invited to a small, destination wedding. Big fight, blah blah blah. The first time I talked to her after I got engaged, the first thing she asked was, "You''re engaged, how did you do it!? I want to be engaged!" ... My mom made me call her last weekend and she asked who all was coming to the wedding. I have a friend who lives across the country who is a bridesmaid. We''ve been friends for 10 years. The girl asked if she was coming and I said, yeah, she''s a bridesmaid, and she goes "You invited her and not me!?" I mean...what do you say to that?

Anyyyway. I understand how it is. I am having a larger reception after we get back from Las Vegas and I''m inviting both of these people to that. I don''t know if the guy will come - he may still be mad I didn''t call him when I was in another country getting engaged. I know the other girl is coming, but I just don''t know how to respond. It''s not like I lasso''d my fiance and am forcing him to marry me. It''s just what happened. She acts like getting married is a mission and I''m just...so not into that.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Yep, sure have and our wedding isn''t until 2009 or 2010 so people probably won''t even know me by then. They find out I''m engaged and say Ohh I can''t wait to come to the wedding! And I am like oh...okay.

 

[CJ2008]

julabean - same here...we were in NYC (home at the time, now we''re in Florida) and the only people we called were my parents, my sister, my aunt/uncle, and that''s it...it took us a few days to call our best friends...

SLJS - get ready for more of that, and be prepared with "We''re just having a small wedding" haha