My feelings are hurt.

[goldfish]

Background information: Thursday was my birthday. My fiance has 2 half sisters with whom I thought I was friends. I''ve known them for 4 years, and we spend a lot of time time together. I bought them their birthday presents, which cost me about $500 each. They know how much the gifts cost, because they were with me when I bought them (I took them shopping and let them pick out what they need). We are all pretty much the same age, and money is NOT an issue for any of us.

So on Wednesday night, we were all hanging out. One of them came up to me and told me that she got me a great gift, and that I was really going to love it. On my birthday night, they came over to my house for a little family party for me. They came in, gave me big hugs, and put a crumpled Duane Reade bag in my hand. (For those of you who don''t know, Duane Reade is a drug store chain in New York.) I looked inside, and there was a bag of Reeses peanut butter cups. And a can of tuna.

My fiance asked one of the girls about it today, and she couldn''t understand what the problem was.


I wish I was making this up, but I couldn''t. I''m so taken aback.

 

[Gypsy]

WTF? Seriously? A nice card would have been fine. But they insulted you! And after her building your expectations about a thoughtful gift... to give you that? That's an insult.


ETA: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

 

[mercoledi]

OMG! Really? That''s beyond rude. I would be so hurt too. What did your FI think?


p.s. Happy Birthday!!!!

 

[Gypsy]

Sorry but what goes around comes around. I wouldn''t lower myself to giving them candy and canned fish products (Seriously WFT???)... but from now on... those ladies would be getting very simple cards with the words, "Happy Birthday" in them, simply signed. NO way would I waste time and energy on them again. RUDE. And either oblivious (I find that level of obliviousness really hard to fathom unless they were raised in a bubble deviod of any contact to life as we know it) or spiteful and hateful.

 

[Kaleigh]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

I have no words for what they did!!!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Canned tuna? Do you at least have a cat or pet that this would be for?

Very rude and sad. Sorry your feelings were hurt.

 

[Bia]

Were they trying to be funny? Maybe they have a surprise waiting for you this weekend? I can''t think of any reason you''d buy candy and a can of tuna at a drug store and give it as a birthday present...in the same shopping bag!

I would be very upset because that goes beyond rude...it is almost a slap in the face. Im wondering what kind of sisters he has that would do something so stupid and mean.

Well, from us, to you, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

I hope you had a good one other than...you know.

 

[Ninama]

Yikes! Are you pregnant? Do they they suspect that you''re pregnant?

I despise practical jokes... and this actually sounds like one. The punch line had better be worth it!

 

[MoonWater]

I thought perhaps it was a pregancy related thing as well. However, I still would have gotten a better gift in addition to the joke gift. Geez.

 

[Rhea]

Happy Birthday!

That really sucks. I''d rather someone forget my birthday than put absolutely not thought into it at all. Tuna? That''s weird and extremely rude to get your hopes up as well...

 

[nclrgirl]

Oh no goldfish! I''m so sorry to hear that! Happy Birthday and lots of hugs to you. Have you tried to ask them why they did such a rude thing? What did your FI say?

 

[iluvcarats]

Sorry they put a damper on your birthday!
Birthday wishes coming your way!
What about your FI - anything special from him? Card? Flowers? Sparklies?

 

[lyra]

That is the most bizarre behaviour! Absolutely inappropriate beyond words. Sheesh!

On a lighter note, Happy Belated Birthday!

Next year, just give them cards, no gifts.

 

[Ninama]

Anyway... along with the others here, I wish you a very

 

[bee*]

That''s awful!! I hope that they have something better for you coming soon. A can of tuna

Happy birthday!!

 

[goldfish]

Aww, thanks so much for the love, you guys!

To be honest, my fiance''s reaction was a little disappointing. He sent one of the girls a text message saying that he was "surprised" about the tuna. Then she wrote back saying that she knows that I like tuna salad, so she thought that I would appreciate the can. But he didn''t say anything really strong to them, letting them know it was very insulting, and that my feelings are hurt.


They don''t do practical jokes, and there''s no phantom pregnancy! My fiance and I have been really upfront about not wanting kids until after we''ve been married for a few years. So that''s not it.


I guess we''re just not friends, and that''s the thing that really makes me sad. I feel like such an idiot for thinking that we were getting along so well.

 

[MoonWater]

I really don''t understand accepting a gift from someone (esp one that costs $500!!!) and then giving such a thoughtless gift. They honestly seem like horrible people to me. A can of tuna because you like tuna salad? Really!?!?! Anyway, I forgot to say this before but HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

 

[bebe]

Happy Birthday!!

You''ve known them for 4 yrs., so is this behavior the norm for them?
What about Christmas gifts? I know there are some people who have no idea how to
buy gifts and give odd things. Strange behavior for sure.

 

[Bia]

I am sorry, BUT things like this make me very angry, and I HAD to post again. I can totally see how from your end, you want to go the extra mile to be friends, and eventually sisters, because they will soon be your SILs. That is the reason it makes me so sad for you. That gift was completely disrespectful ("we gave her tunafish because she likes tuna salad? ARE THEY RETARDED?), ESPECIALLY since it is obvious it wasn't a joke...meaning no sincere birthday sentiments followed this act of stupidity.

I would be disappointed w/ my BF too if he didn't say something, but I guess he just doesn't get it...typical lol. Let this be a lesson to you, next time don't try so hard with these two. Particularly when it comes to celebrations. I know its wrong to encourage people to be spiteful but this just ticked me off...its was so callous and just plain MEAN!

ETA: I am in NY too...anyone up for a girlfight?

ETA #2 : I just thought of something, how old are they? From your post it sounds like they are younger. If they are teens...then maybe I can understand because they are just immature. But if they are grown, then, no excuse.

ETA # 3: NEVERMIND...I just re-read your post. They are around the same age...as I said, no excuse.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/30/2008 6:34:24 PM
Author: goldfish
Aww, thanks so much for the love, you guys!


To be honest, my fiance''s reaction was a little disappointing. He sent one of the girls a text message saying that he was ''surprised'' about the tuna. Then she wrote back saying that she knows that I like tuna salad, so she thought that I would appreciate the can. But he didn''t say anything really strong to them, letting them know it was very insulting, and that my feelings are hurt.



They don''t do practical jokes, and there''s no phantom pregnancy! My fiance and I have been really upfront about not wanting kids until after we''ve been married for a few years. So that''s not it.



I guess we''re just not friends, and that''s the thing that really makes me sad. I feel like such an idiot for thinking that we were getting along so well.

Does your FI know the lengths you went to for their birthdays, out of curiousity? That might explain why he didn''t say anything a bit more strongly-worded, but if he knew that you took them on a shopping spree and in contrast they got you a can of tuna in the crumpled up plastic bag, then obviously there is SOMETHING not right here and he needs to stand up and say that kind of treatment of you, his future wife, is not ok. What a terrible way to be treated by future family members. The only POSSIBLE way this would be ok is if 5 SECONDS later they said, "Haha, just kidding, here''s what we really got you!" I hope they didn''t totally ruin your birthday, because it sounds like that''s what they were trying to do.

I''m truly very sorry for how you were treated. It sucks to put your heart and soul into trying to be a good friend and get nothing in return.

 

[pixley]

That''s just downright awful. I''m sorry that this happened to you.

 

[isaku5]

First of all, I wish you a very Happy Birthday in spite of those witches

Your FSIL behaved in an unspeakably spieful way, and your BF is no better in letting them get away with such an insult.

For the next occasion requiring gifts, I''d buy another can of tuna and re-gift both of them. Btw, I wouldn''t include a greeting card either unless it was one drawn with your left hand (assuming you''re right handed)

See how they enjoy their "special gifts".

 

[goldfish]

Gwendolyn, he does know about what I did for them. As a matter of fact, I do it for them every year. It''s sort of a tradition, so I thought. They''ve never gotten me anything good, so it''s true that this kind of behavior is kind of par for them. Last year they took me out for lunch and gave me these kind of really ugly brown shiny plastic earrings, which I said I liked very much. But the funny part was that they didn''t have enough money to pay for the lunch and cab back, so I had to loan them money for that!

But they did pay me back right away.


The thing is, he has a full sister who hates my guts. She didn''t show up at all for the party, because she wanted to go to a dance festival in Brooklyn. But she did call.


Even in the context of the sort of bad gifts from them in the past, I''m still very hurt by the tuna. And the Reeses. I thought that our relationships had progressed since the plastic earrings. So I really thought this year would be different.

My FI is supportive of me now that I''ve explained myself, and shares my disappointment. But I''m not sure how to handle the situation now. He already texted one of them and she acted like the tuna was normal. Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this? The shock must be paralyzing my brain!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 5/30/2008 8:17:46 PM
Author: goldfish
Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this? The shock must be paralyzing my brain!

Pretend like everything is fine and act superficially nice. You need to keep the peace on a social level, regardless of what you and those ladies are thinking.

FWIW, my SIL is abusive to me. She says rude things and is very confrontational and I just act like all is good. NOTHING will change by confronting her and telling her what a bitch she is, so I just smile a fake smile and try and not be stuck alone with her in conversation.

The best is to do the same with the half sisters. Fake smile and send them a thank you card for the tuna!

 

[iluvcarats]

If I were you, I would be pleasant and cordial, but stop trying to have any more of a relationship than that.
I would not go out of my way to be antagonistic because it sounds as though they are looking for a fight, and then you would be their scapegoat.
It sounds as though they are angry about something, and it may very well have nothing to do with you at all. Is there anything going on with them and your FI? Fighting ect?
As hard as it is, don''t take the bait.
They just sound mean and spiteful.
They may not like you, and it probably has nothing to do with you.
It''s their problem.
Don''t let them make it yours!
Hang in there, and again,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY

 

[Gypsy]

Where do you go from here?

----PLASTIC earrings. YOU give them $$ on your birthday. AND the shopping spree thing is tradition.

I'm restraining myself from being harsh... but honey, you need a kick in the pants!

I don't know where to start.

Okay, maybe I do.

Do you have any sense of self-worth? You are letting them take advantage of you. Repeatedly. This kind of thing happens ONCE in a relationship. You don't allow repeats. Are you so desperate for friends and for someone to love and approve of you that you allow people to treat you this way??? Why don't you value yourself honey? You deserve respect. But it's not handed to you... you have to demand it.


Oh man. You need Deco. Bad. Seriously. DECO!!!!!!

Personally I'd dump them ALL.

The sisters. The parents who didn't raise thier children to know better AND your BF who is too dense to not be offended for you. Who you had to TALK into being offended. My FI would have politely and swiftly ripped his sisters apart if they'd delivered me an insullt like that. He would have told them exactly where to stick that Tuna.


ETA: Actually it never would have gotten to TUNA. It would have ended with plastic earrings and cab fare-- or whatever else crappy gift they gave you the first year they took you for a ride.

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice (or four years in a row) shame on ME.

 

[Pandora II]

Your SO needs to put his big boy pants on and have it out with them on the phone.

I also think that your accepting the earrings last year and still spending what you did on them has turned it into a game for them. Hey we gave her the horrible earrings last year and she still gave us great gifts - lets see what happens if we just give her a can of tuna...

If your SO isn't up to it, maybe he could have a word with the joint parent.

Otherwise, why don't you call them.

What I'm about to say I hope you take in the right way, but I think you may need to start valuing yourself a bit more.

ETA: Gypsy and I were posting at the same time. Gypsy, you said what I wanted to and didn't.

Totally agree.

I'll just add that if my FI didn't step up on this one - let's just say he'd be my ex-FI PDQ

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 5/30/2008 8:17:46 PM
Author: goldfish
Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this? The shock must be paralyzing my brain!

Wow. That''s one of the craziest things I''ve ever heard.

I would call them both up and explain to them how hurt and offended you are. I would say something like "I''m extremely hurt and offended at what you gave me for my birthday. I buy you exactly what you want for your birthday every year, and when you give me a thoughtless gift like a bag of Reese''s and a can of tuna in a Duane Reade bag it is very upsetting and makes me feel as if you don''t value my friendship at all. In fact, it almost seems as if you were trying to insult me."

Also, this probably goes without saying, but don''t spend $500 on either of these girls ever again. A card from now on is more than sufficient.

Also, I think your fiance should have reacted a lot more strongly than he did. I know I would be extremely upset with my sisters and brothers if they gave my fiance a ridiculous gift like a CAN OF TUNA. It''s not about the money, it''s about the thought.

I''m sorry you have to deal with this, and I hope you have a happy birthday anyways!

 

[ahappygirl]

Unbelieveable. Of course you are hurt. I''m all for giving people the benefit of the doubt but in this case I think their message was loud and clear. This wasn''t any accident. I wouldn''t trust them again. It would take serious, heartfelt, prolonged effort on their part to undo this damage. I''m also pretty outraged that your FI wasn''t outraged, if not intially (shock), then after the fact. Life is so short to get upset by every little thing but this seems like a backhanded attack on you, personally. Tuna? I mean, TUNA???!!!!! Tuna! What is wrong with these girls? How about oh, I don''t know, a nice card?! I will be 40 next month and have yet to ever receive a can of tuna as a birthday gift. Or an egg. Or chicken. Or deli meat. WTF is right. Your FI better step up and confront this himself, or this doesn''t bode well for you. Honestly. I am so angry on your behalf I can''t even put a coherent response together.

 

[movie zombie]

1-HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
2-its unrealistic to expect others to reciprocate in the same amount/manner no matter how much they can afford to do so.
3-you spent the $500 per girl [and i do mean girl] because you wanted to.
4-what you do with them is between you and them, not your FI.
5-hoping that you''d advanced beyond plastic as a gift is not a way to evaluate friendships.
6-his full sister has more class than the other two.
7-i wouldn''t even bother with a bd card in the future for either of them: perhaps an e-mail just wishing them well.

these two aren''t worth the time or effort you''ve already expended on them, they are what the are.....and i''m not impressed. think of it as a learning lesson and move on. you''ve tried to be friends. i''d leave it at that and not try any longer.

movie zombie