Kaleigh
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diamondfan
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WorkingHardforSmallRewards
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As some have pointed out before, but some posters have seemed to fail to understand, the question is not the quality of the gift, it is whether or not the gift givers intentionally selected an item that THEY felt would be offensive, and/or that THEY felt represented negative feelings towards the poster.
The real issue with any gift is not the actual gift itself, it is the sentiment and feelings by the gift giver. This means that someone with alot of money could give something very expensive and still be insulting someone, or many other combinations of positive and negative gifts.
However, in this case botht he gift itself and the presention of the gift were so extreme that it is, barring some crucial ungiven information, pretty much impossible to think that the item was NOT intentionally selected in order to offend, and the conditions HEAVILY suggest that they were in fact trying to insult the OP. The issue is how the sisters feel, not what the gift was.
In reality it doesnt really matter if they bought her a 10ct diamond. If the goal was to insult and offend then the gift itself becomes irrelevant in terms of their relationship.
Given what the heart of the issue is, I would recommend asking the sisters directly yourself. You are a grown woman, and I think you should simply go up to them and adress it with them kindly. Tell them that you come from a culture that values giving gifts, as does theirs, but in your culture the real important part is the heart and sentiment behind the gift, not the value of the gift. As such, you would be happy with anything that they gave you. You could even mention that you were touched by the fact that the other sister--mentioning that she has told you that she doesnt like you--took the time to at least call you and in that showed you that she respects you, your boyfriend, and the relationship you have with him.
Then I, at least, would pull out the gifts and put them in front of them, so they could really see them. Then I would tell them that you are really confused and that you do not want to be superficial. But when they told you they had you a gift you were really happy to know that they cared about you and that they appreicated you, and then when you saw them it made you feel as though they were intentionally trying to hurt your feelings and to send you a message--that they dont like you. I would then recommend just asking them if it is you who is being superficial and that you really dont want to hurt there feelings or if they were in fact trying to say something to you, and that you really love your boyfriend and want to try to work things out with them if they are upset about something.
I would say to even emphasize the idea that it could be you who is being superficial just to try to keep them comfortable and to prevent the discussion from feeling like you are interrogating them.
As I see it, they were intentionally trying to say something negative with this gift. As such, if you confront them kindly without attacking them then they will either take you up on the issue and you could find yourself in a good heart to heart talk or they will just pretend like nothing is wrong in which case you are no worse off than you started. But if you dont talk to them their feelings wont change about you, and if you attack them directly they will just get defensive and like you even less
As your bfs sisters you cant exclude them from your life at the moment, thus I would say always present your "concerns" (not arguments) with two sides. Demonstrate and express your feelings of hurt and your doubt as to where they stand, but also aknowledge and appreciate any areas where they seem to be upset or hurt without denying there feelings as invalid, no matter what they might say to you if they open up.
If they do not open up to you then there is not going to be anything you can do to work on their feeilngs towards you, but at least you created a scenario where there was the possibility of open and kind dialogue.
Finally, I have several friends from Morrocco and I can tell you that however much they might appreciate a good gift the fact that they are Morroccon has not proven insufficient for them to breach any major moral foundations--such as appreciating a well thought out and love-given gift regardless of the value.
Honestly, this sounds like a very superficial and self-centered group of people to me, not created by a country but rather their own personal family experiences, but I dont have much information to conclude anything from so I suppose you know better than me.
The real issue with any gift is not the actual gift itself, it is the sentiment and feelings by the gift giver. This means that someone with alot of money could give something very expensive and still be insulting someone, or many other combinations of positive and negative gifts.
However, in this case botht he gift itself and the presention of the gift were so extreme that it is, barring some crucial ungiven information, pretty much impossible to think that the item was NOT intentionally selected in order to offend, and the conditions HEAVILY suggest that they were in fact trying to insult the OP. The issue is how the sisters feel, not what the gift was.
In reality it doesnt really matter if they bought her a 10ct diamond. If the goal was to insult and offend then the gift itself becomes irrelevant in terms of their relationship.
Given what the heart of the issue is, I would recommend asking the sisters directly yourself. You are a grown woman, and I think you should simply go up to them and adress it with them kindly. Tell them that you come from a culture that values giving gifts, as does theirs, but in your culture the real important part is the heart and sentiment behind the gift, not the value of the gift. As such, you would be happy with anything that they gave you. You could even mention that you were touched by the fact that the other sister--mentioning that she has told you that she doesnt like you--took the time to at least call you and in that showed you that she respects you, your boyfriend, and the relationship you have with him.
Then I, at least, would pull out the gifts and put them in front of them, so they could really see them. Then I would tell them that you are really confused and that you do not want to be superficial. But when they told you they had you a gift you were really happy to know that they cared about you and that they appreicated you, and then when you saw them it made you feel as though they were intentionally trying to hurt your feelings and to send you a message--that they dont like you. I would then recommend just asking them if it is you who is being superficial and that you really dont want to hurt there feelings or if they were in fact trying to say something to you, and that you really love your boyfriend and want to try to work things out with them if they are upset about something.
I would say to even emphasize the idea that it could be you who is being superficial just to try to keep them comfortable and to prevent the discussion from feeling like you are interrogating them.
As I see it, they were intentionally trying to say something negative with this gift. As such, if you confront them kindly without attacking them then they will either take you up on the issue and you could find yourself in a good heart to heart talk or they will just pretend like nothing is wrong in which case you are no worse off than you started. But if you dont talk to them their feelings wont change about you, and if you attack them directly they will just get defensive and like you even less
As your bfs sisters you cant exclude them from your life at the moment, thus I would say always present your "concerns" (not arguments) with two sides. Demonstrate and express your feelings of hurt and your doubt as to where they stand, but also aknowledge and appreciate any areas where they seem to be upset or hurt without denying there feelings as invalid, no matter what they might say to you if they open up.
If they do not open up to you then there is not going to be anything you can do to work on their feeilngs towards you, but at least you created a scenario where there was the possibility of open and kind dialogue.
Finally, I have several friends from Morrocco and I can tell you that however much they might appreciate a good gift the fact that they are Morroccon has not proven insufficient for them to breach any major moral foundations--such as appreciating a well thought out and love-given gift regardless of the value.
Honestly, this sounds like a very superficial and self-centered group of people to me, not created by a country but rather their own personal family experiences, but I dont have much information to conclude anything from so I suppose you know better than me.
Bia
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Date: 5/31/2008 12:10:24 AM
Author: Kaleigh
Don't stoop to their level, don't send back the tuna, don't send a thank you letter for the tuna. No confrontations, just hold your head high, and move on by.
I understand this advice...its the "Bigger Person" thing to do. But if this were me, and my BF's family did this to me, I would be so devastated.
Goldfish: Can I ask how you get along with the parents? Do they like you or just tolerate you? If they are very religious, and you, being non-Jewish is a problem for them, then you might have to accept that you may never be fully accepted into that family. It is unfortunate, in this day and age but very true...particularly where strong religious/cultural differences are concerned.
I will give you an example. My incredibly intelligent, handsome, biggest heart of a cousin was IN LOVE with a beautiful girl he met as a resident (he's a cardiologist no less). They dated for five years. Her parents are Israeli and are nice people from what I can remember, as I was a teenager. I will tell you, it did not matter that as a person they liked and respected my cousin. When they realized this relationship was turning into a potential marriage, all bets were off. They did not want their daughter married to a Hispanic Christian...They told him to his face and honey, that's all she wrote. They were toast. But that was also because they let it happen.
Not that this will happen to you! I am just giving an example of how cultural and religious differences can strain a relationship so much that the situation can't improve.
ETA: The reason I bring the parents and cultures up is because you mentioned yours being so different...so maybe the differences are a catalyst for this strange behavior.
Kaleigh
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I say that because I am older, not necesarily wiser. I just think nothing good will come from a confrontation, or a sit down fireside chat. She's known them for 4 years, the pattern has been there all along.Date: 5/31/2008 12:35:01 AM
Author: Bia
Date: 5/31/2008 12:10:24 AM
Author: Kaleigh
Don't stoop to their level, don't send back the tuna, don't send a thank you letter for the tuna. No confrontations, just hold your head high, and move on by.
I understand this advice...its the 'Bigger Person' thing to do. But if this were me, and my BF's family did this to me, I would be so devastated.
Goldfish: Can I ask how you get along with the parents? Do they like you or just tolerate you? If they are very religious, and you, being non-Jewish is a problem for them, then you might have to accept that you may never be fully accepted into that family. It is unfortunate, in this day and age but very true...particularly where strong religious/cultural differences are concerned.
I will give you an example. My incredibly intelligent, handsome, biggest heart of a cousin was IN LOVE with a beautiful girl he met as a resident (he's a cardiologist no less). They dated for five years. Her parents are Israeli and are nice people from what I can remember, as I was a teenager. I will tell you, it did not matter that as a person they liked and respected my cousin. When they realized this relationship was turning into a potential marriage, all bets were off. They did not want their daughter married to a Hispanic Christian...They told him to his face and honey, that's all she wrote. They were toast. But that was also because they let it happen.
Not that this will happen to you! I am just giving an example of how cultural and religious differences can strain a relationship so much that the situation can't improve.
ETA: The reason I bring the parents and cultures up is because you mentioned yours being so different...so maybe the differences are a catalyst for this strange behavior.
arjunajane
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risingsun
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You did not receive a gift...you were sent a message. These sisters have been sending you messages for some time. You are not welcome in their family and they do not see you as a future sister-in-law. Their behavior is appalling and your FI did not support you in this situation. I would think about what it would be like to be a part of this family. I am so sorry this has happened to you. It is time you stop trying to please these sisters. I do not think speaking with them will change anything. I do think you need to have a very candid discussion with your FI. My post sounds angry. My anger is not directed at you--I feel you have been treated so poorly by these sisters and they have been allowed to get away with it
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Goldfish:
I''m sorry. I hope you''ll allow me to retract my original response. I wrote it based on scanning what you had written -- furtively! -- at work, and didn''t get the full impact of what you had written.
And now that I see the whole picture a bit more clearly I''m also boiling mad. These girls are setting out to hurt you. Period. They sense that you want to be accepted into the family and are using it against you. I''m surprised not only that your FI is so oblivious, but that others in the family aren''t speaking up as well.
I also hope that you''re angry as well as sad because really, you should be. That gift wasn''t just thoughtless, it was calculated to bully and hurt you.
I''m afraid I have no advice, just hugs and hopes that things will improve for you.
I''m sorry. I hope you''ll allow me to retract my original response. I wrote it based on scanning what you had written -- furtively! -- at work, and didn''t get the full impact of what you had written.
And now that I see the whole picture a bit more clearly I''m also boiling mad. These girls are setting out to hurt you. Period. They sense that you want to be accepted into the family and are using it against you. I''m surprised not only that your FI is so oblivious, but that others in the family aren''t speaking up as well.
I also hope that you''re angry as well as sad because really, you should be. That gift wasn''t just thoughtless, it was calculated to bully and hurt you.
I''m afraid I have no advice, just hugs and hopes that things will improve for you.
Gypsy
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Okay well, apparently you've accepted a proposal. My bad, didn't realize that. My advice doesn't change, but my wording does. A WEDDING isn't worth your self respect, any more than a proposal would be.
ROFLMAO at TGal.
And...as this story unfolds, here's my difficulty with the OPs story.
Family of FI are "Morracan Jews"... where gift giving is a public affair about who spends what.
And you STILL had to explain WHY you were offended by a can of tuna to this man?
Frankly either I'm smelling a smart troll... or you're in deeper trouble than I thought.
From my personal experience with men raised in the middle east, especially those with 'materialistic' (not a judgement valuation, an observation only) rituals observed with gift giving, the men are NOT oblivious. In fact, they are hyper alert... having had it hammered into them my mothers and sisters and aunts and cousins what the expectations for gifts are. And what the risks for insult are.
Just my observation. Like I said, you could just be in deep trouble, over your head and not realizing it (because your FI doesn't defend you the way he would a woman from his own culture and background, or FI is more than oblivious he is comatose and has no backbone)... or I"m smelling a troll. A smart troll, but still.
ROFLMAO at TGal.
And...as this story unfolds, here's my difficulty with the OPs story.
Family of FI are "Morracan Jews"... where gift giving is a public affair about who spends what.
And you STILL had to explain WHY you were offended by a can of tuna to this man?
Frankly either I'm smelling a smart troll... or you're in deeper trouble than I thought.
From my personal experience with men raised in the middle east, especially those with 'materialistic' (not a judgement valuation, an observation only) rituals observed with gift giving, the men are NOT oblivious. In fact, they are hyper alert... having had it hammered into them my mothers and sisters and aunts and cousins what the expectations for gifts are. And what the risks for insult are.
Just my observation. Like I said, you could just be in deep trouble, over your head and not realizing it (because your FI doesn't defend you the way he would a woman from his own culture and background, or FI is more than oblivious he is comatose and has no backbone)... or I"m smelling a troll. A smart troll, but still.
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Totally agree with risingsun.
there is a message there. You really need to evaluate how your relationship is with the rest of the family and for the rest of the year, if they are lukewarm, then given the information about the sisters and your FI half hearted reaction, I would start to consider what impact this could have on a long term relationship. sorry, but it is something you need to think about. OMG, my DH, would by now have torn verbal shreds into his sister and called her out on the imature behaviour as well as tried to address the causes.
I would be crushed, but if I did not have the 100% support of my FI, I dont think I could continue. You definately need to stop buying them expensive gifts, they are making a joke out of your lovely gesture. You need to show them you know what is going on. You can either be direct and talk about it, get it out in the open, or - simply act civil, no more - no less and decide if you can live with undercurrents like this if you marry into this family.
But I would really think about this carefully, is your FI close to his family, do they play a large part in his life, decisons, because if they do, this type of behaviour can destroy marriages down the track (I assume that they are not warm with love and welcome at other times?). I think it is time for some careful thinking and talking to your FI. I hope that the rest of the family treats you different.
good luck, it really sounds like a horrible experience to go through.
d2b
there is a message there. You really need to evaluate how your relationship is with the rest of the family and for the rest of the year, if they are lukewarm, then given the information about the sisters and your FI half hearted reaction, I would start to consider what impact this could have on a long term relationship. sorry, but it is something you need to think about. OMG, my DH, would by now have torn verbal shreds into his sister and called her out on the imature behaviour as well as tried to address the causes.
I would be crushed, but if I did not have the 100% support of my FI, I dont think I could continue. You definately need to stop buying them expensive gifts, they are making a joke out of your lovely gesture. You need to show them you know what is going on. You can either be direct and talk about it, get it out in the open, or - simply act civil, no more - no less and decide if you can live with undercurrents like this if you marry into this family.
But I would really think about this carefully, is your FI close to his family, do they play a large part in his life, decisons, because if they do, this type of behaviour can destroy marriages down the track (I assume that they are not warm with love and welcome at other times?). I think it is time for some careful thinking and talking to your FI. I hope that the rest of the family treats you different.
good luck, it really sounds like a horrible experience to go through.
d2b
gwendolyn
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It does reek of malice. What kind of a person does that on someone''s birthday?
goldfish, I also think they need to get called out for what they''ve done, either by yourself or your FI. You deserve better. Even if they never fully warm to you, you deserve not to be insulted and humiliated at every gift-giving occasion. I''d rather not get anything at all than some tuna and Reese''s cups.
White Orchid
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What a horrible, horrible thing to do to someone. In my opinion, it''s an insult and worse than a spit in the face. Your FI needs to let the girls know that sort of behaviour won''t be tolerated by him. I''m afraid that if he doesn''t, you''re going to have a very miserable future.
Happy Birthday anyways, I hope they didn''t manage to totally spoil you day.
Happy Birthday anyways, I hope they didn''t manage to totally spoil you day.
G
goldfish
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Gypsy,
I think my FI was surprised by the tuna, but they are only his half sisters, and he is quite a bit older than we are. (The age difference between my FI and me is more than 10 years.) So it wasn''t that he had to be talked in to being upset about the tuna per se; it was that he couldn''t understand why I was giving them so much notice. I don''t think he realized (until I told him in the context of the conversation about the tuna) just how much I was trying to fit in and how much effort I was making. So the full measure of my disappointment was not clear to him. His position at the time was this: they''re spoiled and immature, so who cares what they do?
I called my mother last night about it. She thinks that I should just pull back and not say anything. But I know my mother, so I knew she would say that!
A couple of posters asked about the overall situation with my future in-laws. His father is unhappy about our relationship, but his wife (the mother of the tuna girls) seems to be friendly with me. She sent me an email for my birthday. His mother (his parents are divorced) is very happy for us. His full sister really dislikes me and our relationship, I''ve never met one of his half brothers (his mother''s son), his two half sisters are the tuna girls, and his last half brother is very young and is polite to me when we meet but nothing more. The thing is, only the two half sisters and the full sister are in the States. We are physically very close to them, because we all live within a 5 block radius. Actually, the older tuna girl is renting my old apartment from me. Everyone else is in Paris or Morocco. So they don''t play a very big part in our lives. That''s how things stand!
I think my FI was surprised by the tuna, but they are only his half sisters, and he is quite a bit older than we are. (The age difference between my FI and me is more than 10 years.) So it wasn''t that he had to be talked in to being upset about the tuna per se; it was that he couldn''t understand why I was giving them so much notice. I don''t think he realized (until I told him in the context of the conversation about the tuna) just how much I was trying to fit in and how much effort I was making. So the full measure of my disappointment was not clear to him. His position at the time was this: they''re spoiled and immature, so who cares what they do?
I called my mother last night about it. She thinks that I should just pull back and not say anything. But I know my mother, so I knew she would say that!
A couple of posters asked about the overall situation with my future in-laws. His father is unhappy about our relationship, but his wife (the mother of the tuna girls) seems to be friendly with me. She sent me an email for my birthday. His mother (his parents are divorced) is very happy for us. His full sister really dislikes me and our relationship, I''ve never met one of his half brothers (his mother''s son), his two half sisters are the tuna girls, and his last half brother is very young and is polite to me when we meet but nothing more. The thing is, only the two half sisters and the full sister are in the States. We are physically very close to them, because we all live within a 5 block radius. Actually, the older tuna girl is renting my old apartment from me. Everyone else is in Paris or Morocco. So they don''t play a very big part in our lives. That''s how things stand!
zoebartlett
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Sure! You find the post you want to quote and then click "reply." Whtn you get to the blank message box, go to the left and click on "quote." It will do just what it did in this post -- show the post you want to quote.Date: 5/31/2008 8:49:59 AM
Author: goldfish
Does anybody know how I can quote past posts in the body of my posts? I see some people are able to do that, but I can''t figure it out! Thanks
If you want to highlight a particular part of someone''s quote, double click in the textbox and select the part you want to highlight. Click the highlighter icon.
There you go. Hopefully that helps!
Bia
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So fiance thinks it was more stupid than anything else. Hmmmm...
I would still say something to them. Put them in their place by basically figuring out a way to let them know that their immature behavior did not go unnoticed and that you are insulted but that its fine because you now see where your relationship with them stands. IMO, I couldn''t try after this. I would have no desire to keep pretending they like me after everything. It really sounds like they aren''t really concerned about how you feel or what you think. So just stop trying. But not without telling your fiance that he can''t allow his family to treat you so poorly. ALSO, know that it might be a cultural thing with him. Middle Eastern men are very different from American, Latino, Asian...etc.. Iranian men (the families I have encountered through another cousin whose fiance is from Iran
) for instance, are very much dominant figures in their households and the *Prince* in their family''s eyes. So you might have to consider that his family will continue to act this way because fiance is what matters to them...not you.
I really hope that it isn''t as bad as it sounds for you. You sound like a really smart person, for one, and a sensitive and kind person as well. Don''t take any crap from people, especially those who don''t deserve you to give them the time of day. Good luck hon!
I would still say something to them. Put them in their place by basically figuring out a way to let them know that their immature behavior did not go unnoticed and that you are insulted but that its fine because you now see where your relationship with them stands. IMO, I couldn''t try after this. I would have no desire to keep pretending they like me after everything. It really sounds like they aren''t really concerned about how you feel or what you think. So just stop trying. But not without telling your fiance that he can''t allow his family to treat you so poorly. ALSO, know that it might be a cultural thing with him. Middle Eastern men are very different from American, Latino, Asian...etc.. Iranian men (the families I have encountered through another cousin whose fiance is from Iran
I really hope that it isn''t as bad as it sounds for you. You sound like a really smart person, for one, and a sensitive and kind person as well. Don''t take any crap from people, especially those who don''t deserve you to give them the time of day. Good luck hon!
zoebartlett
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mimzy
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if that''s the case then why did you think that you were close friends with them to begin with?
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purrfectpear
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Finally, someone calls it as it is.Date: 5/31/2008 2:10:46 AM
Author: risingsun
You did not receive a gift...you were sent a message. These sisters have been sending you messages for some time. You are not welcome in their family and they do not see you as a future sister-in-law. Their behavior is appalling and your FI did not support you in this situation. I would think about what it would be like to be a part of this family. I am so sorry this has happened to you. It is time you stop trying to please these sisters. I do not think speaking with them will change anything. I do think you need to have a very candid discussion with your FI. My post sounds angry. My anger is not directed at you--I feel you have been treated so poorly by these sisters and they have been allowed to get away with it
It was a message, not a slight. You don''t fit in with their idea of a SIL. The family doesn''t want you.
Now all you have to do is decide if you will be happy as FI''s wife and go on, or pack it up.
Nothing you would do or say would change anything, so why give them the satisfaction of a response?
If I decided to go on with the marriage I would do so with the only expectation that I was marrying FI, not his family. No more pretense of friends. Just act civil around the family and ignore future ugliness. If you are unable to do that then you need to ask FI whether he is willing to ignore his family and cut them off if they act out? If he is not OK with choosing you then you''d better get out.
ahappygirl
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I just wanted to clarify in case I wasn''t clear in my angry vent earlier. I think most of the posters get that it has nothing to do with tuna. This was intentional and as noted above, full of malice. I am so sorry that these hateful people were able to hurt you on your birthday. They meant to, which is really all the info I need to know about them.
Honey, if it were me, and my FI didn''t hand them their heads on a platter, it would be el finito with the lot of them. Easier said than done. I am capable of doing this myself? Yes. (It''s more likely my husband would be pulling me off them if they did this to someone I loved, ie my son, etc.) Nothing gets me fired up like attacking or hurting someone I love. Would I bother in this case if it were directed toward me? Depends on the situation. I don''t look for confrontation but most people know better than to bring one to me. Honestly, I can''t fathom that they have the 4 yr history with you that you described. I''m sure this thread has got you thinking, which is probably a good thing.
Big hugs. Hope this new year for you brings joy and love, and the rotten apples are swept out.
Honey, if it were me, and my FI didn''t hand them their heads on a platter, it would be el finito with the lot of them. Easier said than done. I am capable of doing this myself? Yes. (It''s more likely my husband would be pulling me off them if they did this to someone I loved, ie my son, etc.) Nothing gets me fired up like attacking or hurting someone I love. Would I bother in this case if it were directed toward me? Depends on the situation. I don''t look for confrontation but most people know better than to bring one to me. Honestly, I can''t fathom that they have the 4 yr history with you that you described. I''m sure this thread has got you thinking, which is probably a good thing.
Big hugs. Hope this new year for you brings joy and love, and the rotten apples are swept out.
FireGoddess
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DING DING DING...we have a winner! This gift was completely intentional, and it seems they're trying to see how far they can push you.
Forget kindness, forget retaliation, forget pleasantries. I don't care if they're future relations of yours or not - would you let your OWN siblings treat you that way? Or your friends? Not on your life. Don't make any exceptions for these jerks.
They have shown their true colors to you, repeatedly. It's time to take them at their word. If you run into them on the street, a hello is fine. Otherwise, the turkey timer has popped. You should be DONE.
ETA: You DO need to have a talk with your man though. He can't be that dense that he doesn't know what they're doing. Hello?! CAN. OF. TUNA. AND. CANDY. BAR.
isaku5
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Having reconsidered my previous post and having read the added info, if I were in your shoes I''d be out of there today with all of my belongings.
Don''t fool yourself into believing that you''re not going to have to have much to do with your in-laws; that''s a total fallacy. In fact, you would be marrying his family as well. This "insight" was driven home to me by my DH''s German family, and our DD''s marriage into a Greek Orthodox family.
Please weigh your options well before committing to this marriage.
Don''t fool yourself into believing that you''re not going to have to have much to do with your in-laws; that''s a total fallacy. In fact, you would be marrying his family as well. This "insight" was driven home to me by my DH''s German family, and our DD''s marriage into a Greek Orthodox family.
Please weigh your options well before committing to this marriage.
G
goldfish
Guest
Date: 5/31/2008 9:30:38 AM
Author: mimzy
if that's the case then why did you think that you were close friends with them to begin with?i'm not saying that in a mean way, i'm just confused. i'm really sorry that they are giving you such trouble and i'm sure you're working hard to fit in, but if that's the case, why bother? be polite to them, but there's no sense in beating yourself up over it. if your FI doesn't think very highly of them, and doesn't concern himself with them, then you shouldn't feel obligated to either. if you are sure that they were 'sending you a message', take it and move on. leave the gift giving up to your FI from now on.
Mimzy,
I didn't explain myself well enough in that post when I was talking about my past relationship with them. I'm sorry; I'm a little sick right now, so I'm having a hard time concentrating. The way things go is this: we're very friendly for a while, hanging out, talking, shopping together, etc. Then, out of the blue, one of them will say something aggressive, or they'll be rude to me in some way. I'll overlook it, things will go back to normal, and then it will happen again. These incidents range from a little irritating to very insulting. But lately, in the last 9 months or so, things have been really great between all of us. The older tuna girl had gotten engaged, and then her fiance dumped her. We all kind of pulled together and spend a lot of time with her. It felt like I was being accepted and liked. So I guess I got excited. I guess my wishful thinking got the best of me. It's odd, because I'm normally not like that at all.
Wow-you have gotten tons of conflicting advice-because everyone sees it through the lens of their own personal experiences. And I was joking about sending snarky thank yous. But I am serious when I suggest that in this situation it might really benefit you to talk to a professional to learn how to best deal with them. If you find someone great they could give you strategies crafted just for you to best deal with this and figure out what to do. This is serious. Because while there are a million ways this could be handled- the thing for certain is the same actions will likely garner more of the same responses. Best luck this really stinks.
galeteia
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- May 9, 2006
- Messages
- 1,794
Date: 5/31/2008 2:10:46 AM
Author: risingsun
You did not receive a gift...you were sent a message. These sisters have been sending you messages for some time. You are not welcome in their family and they do not see you as a future sister-in-law. Their behavior is appalling and your FI did not support you in this situation. I would think about what it would be like to be a part of this family. I am so sorry this has happened to you. It is time you stop trying to please these sisters. I do not think speaking with them will change anything. I do think you need to have a very candid discussion with your FI. My post sounds angry. My anger is not directed at you--I feel you have been treated so poorly by these sisters and they have been allowed to get away with it
I have to ditto this post. Based on the information on their cultural background and their hypersensitivity to the monetary value of gifts, I think Risingsun's post is dead-on.
Your fiance needs to understand the seriousness of this situation and 'go to bat' for you, or you will be looking forward to a life your in-laws are deliberately trying to sabotage and with a husband who will not defend you or understand what they are doing.
- Joined
- Jan 11, 2006
- Messages
- 58,560
I''ll have to agree with many of the posters and especially Gypsy. To be very honest, it might have seemed that you were trying to buy their friendship. I think $500 birthday gifts are really over the top except for perhaps spouses or very special birthdays. Even though your intent was to be generous, it is never good to over-give to someone who would not want to reciprocate. That makes everyone feel awkward.
I think there is more to this story, though. No one, and I mean NO ONE, gives tuna for a birthday gift unless it is to their CAT! So there is apparently an underlying story here, and they know the secret.
That said, I know how you feel. My hubby''s sister did not ask me to be in her wedding (which was maybe 5 years after ours) which blew my mind. She had no sisters or first cousins, and she only asked her college friends to be in the wedding. I am cordial to her, and we see each other for Christmas and that''s it. But once that happened, I knew where I stood and I stepped back from trying to create a closer relationship since that apparently wasn''t her desire. And we had had zero negative interactions. She was just so self-centered that she didn''t think about what the right thing to do was.
I think there is more to this story, though. No one, and I mean NO ONE, gives tuna for a birthday gift unless it is to their CAT! So there is apparently an underlying story here, and they know the secret.
That said, I know how you feel. My hubby''s sister did not ask me to be in her wedding (which was maybe 5 years after ours) which blew my mind. She had no sisters or first cousins, and she only asked her college friends to be in the wedding. I am cordial to her, and we see each other for Christmas and that''s it. But once that happened, I knew where I stood and I stepped back from trying to create a closer relationship since that apparently wasn''t her desire. And we had had zero negative interactions. She was just so self-centered that she didn''t think about what the right thing to do was.
MoonWater
Ideal_Rock
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