My New DIL Thinks I'm a MONSTER

[TravelingGal]

I'm in the minority here and that's fine with me. This girl walked into a home with 3 people firing at her. If you wanted to talk things through, it needed to be alone.I had a great relationship with my mil before I had a child. Now she treats me like crap (she treats my daughter wondefully which is why I put up with her bs). Had she done to me what you just did to her, I would have been mortified and hurt. This was not how to handle it. And putting your won in the middle? Wrong, just wrong.

You deal with these situations with your son first and in person. Then you chat with her in private, one on one. I'm mortified for your DIL and sad for your son. You aren't queen bee anymore to him so you need to pick your battles better. Honestly, you do sound like a drama queen of a MIL and I take it that you don't mean to be so time to rethink your approach.

ETA: I'm sure this is all part of learnings but I hope your son learns to never, ever repeat what his wife says to him in private unless she says it's ok (vice versa). He should have never repeated the words "attention ho" to you.

Should have read your post first fiery...woulda saved me some typing.

 

[VRBeauty]

Ilander - as inappropriate as her response may have been, it may have been the best she could do. She has some serious walls up, and you were demanding that she break them down for you on the spot. Her "work" response was probably a defensive mechanism... she knows or is starting to realize she was wrong, but doesn't know how to own up to it.

It's one thing to state your case and give her time to come around, quite another to when four people are practically demanding that you. change. now. I agree with Fiery, I'm sure she felt ganged-up on.

Please don't get me wrong, my heart aches for you, and I'm not discounting the possibility that she is a b*tch. But what you recounted sounded to me like someone who felt cornered.

On the wedding day, your daughter-in-law saw you sick and decided that it was all about her. Is it possible that you're doing the same thing now... looking at her inept attempts to get out of a very uncomfortable situation as being all about you?

I really don't mean to be harsh, but it's hard to imagine the scenario you described as working out well.

 

[somethingshiny]

I want to add one thing that may help you to understand your DIL a bit. It definitely sounds like she's been hurt over the years because she actually used the word "attack." You have to get used to ONE person entering your family. You are an adult woman who has years of experience with other personalities. She is a young woman who has some insecurities to begin with and she has to get used to SEVERAL people immediately. And, what's more, she has to GIVE to ALL of these people. While you see a strong MIL-DIL relationship as one that has shopping outings and chatty phone calls, that is requiring a big commitment from this young woman and it may be more than she can handle. She's also building a relationship with your son. Add in that your DD, DH, and whomever else also want some sort of relationship and the girl has got to be overwhelmed.

I'm assuming your "bitch" comment and "I give up" are just because you're feeling emotional right now, but if that's seriously how you feel, You'll never have any relationship with her and I wouldn't blame her.

And, whether or not you like her at this point just doesn't matter. Your son chose her to spend his life with. Maybe he even likes her vulnerability.

 

[Burberrygirl]

iLander, I’m sorry to hear that things didn’t go well. I agree with HOT, I don’t think there's anything you could have said or done to fix this. She definitely has many insecurities and is young. I know you said she’s 24, how old is your son?

I definitely don’t think you’re a drama queen. You remind me a lot of my mother who can be nice to a fault. She’s one of the sweetest people ever and she’s like that to everyone she meets. However, my mom has had her fair share of problems with my fathers family. My dad’s mom died when he was young so it had nothing to do with bad relationship with a MIL. It was more my dad’s sister and his brother’s wife who treated her horribly. It was something I noticed as a child and to this day I have a hard time being around my aunt. Eventually, my mom learned that there was nothing she could do about the situation and she stopped trying. She’s always nice to my aunt but she doesn’t go out of her way to be nice. My dad (to my knowledge), has never really stood up for my mom to his older sister. I would hope that your son would stick up for you and let his wife know he didn’t appreciate you being called a liar after multiple apologies for something you had no control over.

I know you weren’t trying to attack her but she is clearly insecure and defensive. I’m assuming she didn’t want to be there in the first place so she didn’t come in with an open mind and wanting to clear things up. I honestly don’t think there is anything you, your husband, or daughter could have said or done that she would not perceive as an attack. She doesn’t know you well and is a defensive person. I know I am an insecure person and it takes a lot for me to be comfortable around some people. I can be extremely defensive and protective of myself. I think she in some ways sees you as a threat and she likes to be in control as several have already mentioned. I know you want to have a great relationship with her and be able to go shopping, buy her things, take her to dinner, and do all those other wonderful fun things together, but that just isn’t in her personality. Give her time to get used to the situation and your family. Hopefully over time she’ll learn to trust you and let you in. Until then I would just be nice, not overly nice, and not bring up what happened at the wedding again. If you do apologize for anything (even though I don’t think you did anything wrong), say something like I’m really sorry if you felt attacked, that was never my intention. I understand that you have a stressful job and have been busy lately. I hope when things slow down you might be able to *fill in the blank, something you know she likes to do* together. Just leave it at that, they were just married and it’s probably hard for her to adjust to everything and everyone. One thing my mom is excellent at is giving people space, I would just your DIL space.

I’m sorry this is happening, I really like you and hope things turn around. *Hugs*

ETA: I also want to add that not everyone is great at communicating their feelings. I think you seem like a very open person, but she has a lot of walls up as VRBeauty posted. I think her saying “I’m not in a really open place in my life right now. I’ve been busy at work” just might have been her way of saying I’m still getting used to this situation and I need time. I just wanted you to consider that as a possibility. I wasn’t there and I’m sure if I was in your daughter’s place a lot worse things would have been said.

 

[Natylad]

iLander, <<HUGS>> my dear.....I'm very sorry about what you're going through...
Your DIL reminds me a lot of my SIL. We are a very loving and close family, we've always been... Ever since my brother started dating this girl and especially after their engagement, she has been trying to manipulate him and his relations with my parents...She has a...calm, quiet and diabolic way of saying to my brother awful things about my parents, who - by the way - have bought them a home, furnished it, paid for their wedding and the list goes on...By using this approach, she puts her own insane ideas in his mind and makes him think of them all the time. She is poisoning him constantly. The unbelievable thing is that my brother allows her to play with his mind and influence his judgement. That causes tension in his relations with both our parents and makes him extremely unfair towards them. My husband and i have been observing this situation in total astonishment and we're very upset about it. We understand that it won't get much better no matter how much my parents try, because they are already extremely nice and there's nothing more than anybody can do...
My opinion is that both my SIL and your DIL are extremely insecure persons and they feel that if their husbands love their parents and are close to them, their position in the family is not safe...if that makes sense... They want to be in total control of their poor husbands, as if they're not healthy individuals with a life and a family which existed long before they met them... I totally despise this. I am a daughter in law too and my parents in law are extremely close to my husband, even though they have another two children besides him. I never tried to get between them, i find it totally sick and unfair...My husband is also in excellent terms with my parents and doesn't understand at all what is the SIL's problem....
In my opinion, your DIL doesn't seem like a good person who has any intention whatsoever to get along with you. On the contrary, i'm afraid that she'd rather take you out of their life and not see you ever again (i'm sorry to say that, but this is the way i see it...). I believe that you should have a private discussion with your son and tell him that you will always have the best intentions towards his wife and your home will always be open for her, but if she insists you can't do anything to force her...and you should tell him that after giving birth to him, raising him and loving him for all those years, you deserve at least to have him in your life and be able to see him every now and then, because you can't imagine your life without your him...
Nobody has the right to do this to a family... Good luck my dear...

 

[zhuzhu]

I agree with Somethingshiny, VRBeauty, Travelinggal, and Fiery that this"family meeting" was simply a BAD IDEA.

I am not crazy about my MIL and other IL members. My strategy to cope with family gathering is read "how to deal with difficult people" before spending time with them" , and come complaint on PS! During the actual family time, I act polite, discreet, and calm so I can ignore the negative effects of their judgmental remarks and petty gassips going all night long.

I know your family is not like mine (inlaws), but the logic of DIL trying to protect herself is the same. Your DIL may be insensitive, inmmature, mean, or whatever, but the way your gathering went was simply too forceful and clearly she was not into you enough to have a 2-way communication at this time. She was honest and told you that she was not ready, I wish you had respected her need for space and left it at that.

I know every family has drama and I am sorry you are going through this rough patch. I hope you will come to accept her as the way she is and give her time to open up to you. In my case, I know the more my in-law pushes for personal info from me, the farther I want to run away from them.

 

[Imdanny]

Ilander, I have no criticism of you.

Your DIL has been behaving rudely and disrespectfully this whole time (not believing that you were sick in the first place- wtf? and calling you a ho?- that's not normal- it's very disrespectful- I don't like it at all).

I'm sorry that you have to deal with her. It truly sounds to me like she has some personal problems. Hugs.

 

[iLander]

Let me clarify, since I condensed 3 hours down to a few lines:

It was not a "family meeting". It was supposed to be a nice dinner. My DS sent an email before they arrived saying she was still upset about the incident and SHE wanted to discuss it. I thought my last round of apologies and explanations with my DS on Wed were sufficient. I was surprised to find out on Fri, that she was still upset.

I DID apologize in private. I tried to get her to talk to me, she kept shaking her head and looking away. I used the exact phrase "I'm reaching out here". I said "I would like to work this out" several times. She refused to talk at all, just shook her head. That's when I decided to look at the wedding book, since she wasn't actually SPEAKING.

For about 20 minutes, everyone had made themselves scarce, expressly so we could talk. She refused to make eye contact or talk to me.

Then they wandered back in, I went in the kitchen to make dinner, and my DH and DS made small talk for over an hour, we were ready to drop the whole thing, figuring she was nervous. At that point, it was just my DH and DS in the room, my DD was on the phone. She refused to take part in the conversation, just not making eye contact and with the room getting more tense. It was when my DH asked her a direct small talk question (I think it was about what computer did she use at work) and she refused to answer (my DS was repeating the question, and she just shook her head) that DH decided maybe it was time to clear the air.

If you think I am some kind of drama queen, that's you're perogative but no one has EVER said that about me.

i feel like we were all reaching out, being EXTREMELY vulnerable and she couldn't even say "I appreciate what you're saying", or any little nicety. Nothing nice at all, not one inch, not even a "that's okay". Just shaking her head and looking pissed. Even a single, "I understand" would have been sufficient and we would have gone on with the dinner. Instead I felt it was a complete rejection. "I'm not at an open place"? What?

I finally (After well over an hour) said to stop being selfish because she was making everyone else upset, and not giving anyone an inch. I am human and I snapped because my DD and I were sobbing. Shoot me.

When they left, my DS was still asking her to stay, but she said she was going to wait in the car and left without him. He had to follow her.

I have now apologized so many times I've lost count. If her mother had gotten sick, I would have said, oh, you poor thing, are you okay? My DS would have done the same. I still haven't heard that, not even once.

I have reached out, and felt completely rejected. I can't do any more. I. give. up.

 

[swingirl]

I am so sorry for your situation. It really sounds like your DIL has some issues with communication and trust. I am guessing this has caused some problems between her and your son. He knows you and sees how she is acting in spite of your apologies. She has been very disrespectful and immature. He must get an earful when they are alone and you wonder if he is agreeing with her and adding fuel to the fire. Passing along the Ho comment was not right on his part so it makes you wonder what is he telling her about you. Hopefully he'll come to his senses and stand up for what he believes is the truth.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I agree the truth is somewhere in the middle. I know it is difficult when you feel like someone doesn't like you but you cannot take it personally. Obviously there is something in your character that bothers your new DIL. I agree with the other posters who said you cannot force a relationship so I would back off, live your life, and hopefully she will come around. If not you need to HONOR your son's decision to marry this girl. He obviously loves her and you do not know what their relationship is like in private. I think it is hurtful that you think your son made a big mistake by marrying her. Maybe she can "feel" that (if that makes sense). How is your relationship with your son? What was it like before he met your DIL?

 

[blueiris]

Let me clarify, since I condensed 3 hours down to a few lines:

It was not a "family meeting". It was supposed to be a nice dinner. My DS sent an email before they arrived saying she was still upset about the incident and SHE wanted to discuss it. I thought my last round of apologies and explanations with my DS on Wed were sufficient. I was surprised to find out on Fri, that she was still upset.

I DID apologize in private. I tried to get her to talk to me, she kept shaking her head and looking away. I used the exact phrase "I'm reaching out here". I said "I would like to work this out" several times. She refused to talk at all, just shook her head. That's when I decided to look at the wedding book, since she wasn't actually SPEAKING.

For about 20 minutes, everyone had made themselves scarce, expressly so we could talk. She refused to make eye contact or talk to me.

Then they wandered back in, I went in the kitchen to make dinner, and my DH and DS made small talk for over an hour, we were ready to drop the whole thing, figuring she was nervous. At that point, it was just my DH and DS in the room, my DD was on the phone. She refused to take part in the conversation, just not making eye contact and with the room getting more tense. It was when my DH asked her a direct small talk question (I think it was about what computer did she use at work) and she refused to answer (my DS was repeating the question, and she just shook her head) that DH decided maybe it was time to clear the air.

If you think I am some kind of drama queen, that's you're perogative but no one has EVER said that about me.

i feel like we were all reaching out, being EXTREMELY vulnerable and she couldn't even say "I appreciate what you're saying", or any little nicety. Nothing nice at all, not one inch, not even a "that's okay". Just shaking her head and looking pissed. Even a single, "I understand" would have been sufficient and we would have gone on with the dinner. Instead I felt it was a complete rejection. "I'm not at an open place"? What?

I finally (After well over an hour) said to stop being selfish because she was making everyone else upset, and not giving anyone an inch. I am human and I snapped because my DD and I were sobbing. Shoot me.

When they left, my DS was still asking her to stay, but she said she was going to wait in the car and left without him. He had to follow her.

I have now apologized so many times I've lost count. If her mother had gotten sick, I would have said, oh, you poor thing, are you okay? My DS would have done the same. I still haven't heard that, not even once.

I have reached out, and felt completely rejected. I can't do any more. I. give. up.

Even before your clarification it appeared to me that there wasn't an intention of a "family meeting" and that you were getting together for other reasons, but felt that it was best to try to clear things up about you being sick at the wedding reception and your DIL's hurt feelings. I'm glad you further clarified so that this is more apparent to those reading.

IMO, you're not at fault here; she is. As you say, most people would have at least acknowledged that you were speaking with some sort of nicety (even if they didn't mean it). Not only did she avoid doing that, she actually said she believes you were lying about the illness! I really hope the marriage doesn't destroy your relationship with your son. This girl needs help!

 

[packrat]

Oh iLander I'm so sorry! I was gone all day yesterday and then read thru all the rest of the replies this morning. I really hoped your dinner would go better than that. I'll throw my hat in to be your DIL too!

I've never gotten along w/my MIL, and I did try before we got married to ask her to go do things w/me and everything was refused, so I quit. MIL had a hard time letting go of her son, evidenced by the 37 phone calls a day. (I'm going outside so if you call and I don't answer that's where I am, don't worry about me, just leave a message" "I came back in to get a drink, did you call?" "I'm going back out side now" "I'm back in, did you call?") I finally just very nicely started telling him to call her whenever we were going to do something, so she'd know where we were at all times b/c if we went out for the day we'd come home to 14 "hi, just calling to say Hi, where are you?" messages and 19 hangup dial tone messages. JD and I had a couple..not arguments, but more, raised voice discussions haha about it. Nobody could see it except me. I was nice, very civil, but never went out of my way. It wasn't until London was born that it became glaringly obvious even to JD how she felt about me. She tried (in an obvious manner) to pit JD and I against each other, snide comments about me in my presence, snide comments about my mothering skills, and about our child. She dug her own hole and we rarely have contact. Even my bff, didn't really understand until after Trapper was born, MIL only came up to the hospital once (I was there 3 days), and bff happened to be there and witness the only contact she made w/me was criticism of me and my breastfeeding, and went on and on about a sore on her finger. (Should she go to the ER? Is it bad? Will she lose her finger?) And then went on a tangent about the stupid nurses at the Dr's office not being able to tell her anything about her finger when she stopped by on her way up to see JD (not me or our new son mind you), and the funny thing was-- I work with those stupid nurses, and the Dr. whose office those stupid nurses work for, is my bff's MOM. BFF sat there the whole visit like this

Ooo sorry went off on a tangent of my own.

I've had some pretty crappy things going on different times in my life, and been pulled in a million different directions, it's like that for everybody, you know? But, particularly in front of JD, I would never sit and shake my head and refuse all contact or attempts at some sort of a reconcilliation (sp). First off, your son is seeing you guys try to make nice and see her side of it and she's refusing to say her side of it and shake her head and make no attempt at explaining why she feels the way she feels. That's childish. Even if I felt I was being attacked, I'd have thrown my hands up and said something. Our experience has been the opposite-I would try and tell MIL my thoughts/feelings etc, and she would look away and stare at the wall and absolutely refuse to say a word. It wasn't until JD and I were going someplace and she was to watch London and I tried again to talk to her and was met w/the insolent child act, that JD saw where I was coming from. That was the last time she watched her-she was 6 months old-she's going to be 7 this month.

Going from that experience, I would keep trying to engage her in conversation (how was the drive over? did you guys get stuck in all that rain? I'll bring in the potatoes if you would please grab that serving platter) and especially do it in front of your son, b/c he'll SEE that you're going about your business trying to be nice and that his darling wife is acting like a petulant child. Have your DD bring out a magazine or a catalog and say "Hey, X, do you think this hair cut would look good on me?" or, do these shoes go w/this outfit?, or ask for her help in a class that the DIL might know something about, like Psych or something. Something to engage her in conversation and make her feel like her opinion matters, even if it doesn't, and that you want to spend time w/her, even if you don't. Not fakey gushy gushy type, just normal every day conversation things.

 

[Steel]

I have no words of wisdom But I'll take you as my MIL!

AWWWW, thanks Sparky!

I was SO looking forward to a DIL! I will take you, if this one doesn't work out!

We will go to Sephora together, go try on shoes, bake stuff for the holidays, you can borrow my clothes, I will buy you Fiestaware in the color of your choice, if I see something I think you might like I will buy it for you (keeping the receipt and totally okay with returns), I will send you silly postcards, give you lots of hugs and smooches, listen to YOUR music, lend you my books, make you various pieces of jewelry under your direction, we will shop til we drop, watch old movies together, make popcorn on the stove, make fun of creepy people at the mall . . . well, basically all the stuff I do with my DD.

We will have such a BLAST!!

I'm still reading your thread but I had to quote this. Will you be my MIL too .

 

[anitabee]

i'm confused about the posters criticizing ilander!? i find some of the comments totally uncalled for and off-putting.

ilander: you obviously have torn your heart out for this girl. you have gone above and beyond to welcome her into the family. it sounds like she would act they way toward ANY m.i.l. my advice to you is to say to yourself, "done. i'm done. i've done what i can do. let it go."

take this attitude and attempt to forget about her (i know, impossible to do but try). nothing will please this girl. NOTHING! she's stubborn and unhappy and miserable. let her be. eventually, on her own time - one month, one year, one decade - she MAY come around. if not? nothing you can do. you've exhausted every resource. for that, i commend you but now STOP!!

sigh. you sound like my loving mom. or me. i really hate conflict. some people get a sick sort of joy out of it. she's got the upper hand. once she realizes you've let go, she may just come around.

sorry about your situation

 

[Circe]

Ilander, I'm sorry to hear you and your DIL got off on the wrong foot: it's awful that you fell sick at the wedding, and it is absurd that she thinks it was a ploy for attention.

All that said ... I sort of think a lot of this can be laid at your son's feet. As somebody upthread pointed out (somebody wise), he should not be relaying info. back and forth like this. Your spouse calls your mom an attention whore? Tell your spouse to shut it yourself and tell mom spouse says hi. And vice versa, for that matter - if he's telling you everything she says, you can bet he's also relaying everything you say to him, to her. Gently telling him to knock that off for the sake of his own happiness and piece of mind might be a good idea.

I'm having a bit of a hard time following what happened the other night: in your first post, it sounds pretty straight-forward that DIL stonewalled you and then left without resolving anything: in your second, well, I have to say, I would have high-tailed it out of there, too, if for some reason my (uninvolved) SIL was sobbing, my MIL was insisting I follow her script, and my FIL was attempting to lay down the law on me. It sounds pretty drama-heavy, and if I was in the middle of that, I'd be pretty proud of staying calm enough to just walk out ....

I'll also say, if she thought you were a little me-me-me before, this won't help. See, on the one hand, you didn't do anything wrong: you got sick. But you apologized as if you had, and then made a fuss when your apology wasn't accepted in exactly the way you wanted, which, honestly, is a little dramatic and inappropriate. You can't have it both ways - either you don't have anything to apologize for, or you apologize and leave the ball in the other person's court. If she's busy with work and doesn't want to hang out, or be the DIL you dreamed of ... you kind of can't make her, y'know? Forcing it would only make you into exactly what she's imagining you to be.

I hope you guys can work things out, but I'd wait a while to cool down, and let her cool down, too. Reevaluate your thoughts then, and see if maybe the holidays will just let you start fresh, without having to retread all of this ....

 

[Steel]

Awh, what a mess. I'm sorry you felt ill and I don't for one second believe you were faking it.

I think you don't like her and she knows it. She therefore doesn't trust you.

I'm not going to quote your clarification but in it there are a number of instances she was unresponsive. It is possible as your DS pointed out in the e-mail, that the girl was upset and trying not to show it?

You made a boo boo with the outburts and should apologise for that - even if you don't agree. Take the moral high road on this one, for you and your side of the family.

For the future, you need to have a one sided relationship with this girl for as long as it takes for her to want to trust you. Behave in exactly the way you stated in the quote above. She will come around if you make the effort and drop whatevery grudge you might have .

Or not. But you know what that feels like - you are alredy there.

BTW - My MIL hates me. She thinks I 'took' her son away and am a controlling bitch, we don't even exchange cards anymore. I just add that so you know my 'credentials' in this area .

 

[Porridge]

I agree the truth is somewhere in the middle. I know it is difficult when you feel like someone doesn't like you but you cannot take it personally. Obviously there is something in your character that bothers your new DIL. I agree with the other posters who said you cannot force a relationship so I would back off, live your life, and hopefully she will come around. If not you need to HONOR your son's decision to marry this girl. He obviously loves her and you do not know what their relationship is like in private. I think it is hurtful that you think your son made a big mistake by marrying her. Maybe she can "feel" that (if that makes sense). How is your relationship with your son? What was it like before he met your DIL?

I agree with this, and am also curious to know what your relationship with your son was like previously? How does he get on with the rest of the family, DH DD etc? What was your relationship like with this woman before they got married?

I'm sorry for your situation iLander. It's probably almost impossible to do this, and you won't like it, but you are going to have to let your son make his own decisions in this. He is an adult after all. This woman does sound like bad news though. I would back off, don't try to force a relationship. Be nice but not pushy. Also, carry on your relationship with your son as usual. This is seperate.

 

[soocool]

What I think. I think your DIL decided she does not want you to be a part of HER family. Her family is DH and her and possibly her side of the family? How did she act toward you and your family before the wedding/ (sorry I may have missed that before).

My experience. My MIL hates me and wishes DH would divorce me or that I would die. Why? Because I was not HER nationaility. Well, there was nothing I could do to change that, but why should she care. She should care that I love her son and vice versa and that we are happy. I have been married 21 years and spent about 20 of those stressing from her nasty comments not only regarding me, but my family as well. She came to my wedding wearing black and I really thought she would make a scene, but somehow she was stopped before she could even say anything (yes I think she ruined my wedding). I think she only showed up to show her son that she was making the effort. She came to my mom's funeral to make sure she was dead and said that" my son's wife is next" for everyone to hear. She was promptly escorted out. The stress she caused me a good part of my life probably has led to the heart problems that I have come down with this past year. But prior to that I had enough and told DH I am not having anything to do with his family anymore and he agreed. (Just wanted to add that DH wanted to stop seeing his family a long time ago because of this, but I thought it was important for him to keep the relationship going. what can I say, I was stupid).

We haven't seen them in over a year, DD included. I changed my last name back to my maiden name and DH also changed his last name- complete disassociation. I don't think any normal person acts that way. What is worse, is other than DH, no one from his family ever came to my defense. Whatever time I spend with them was minimal but nonetheless extremely painful. Since we stopped all contact with them life has never been happier.

So, there may never ever be anything you can say or do to change things. If your son is so deeply in love with her he will take her side. If he finds her to be self centered and manipulative he may either put up with it or leave her. I know you love your son deeply, but it is his life and he has to decide what he wants.

The trick is , let them come to you. If you invite them over and they say they can't make it, just say "Ok let us know when you would like to get together (don't ever say IF) and always say you send your love to both. This way what you say can't be used against you. You asked nicely, they refused, you did not complain or ask for explanation and sent your love. Now who is the bigger person?

Good luck iLander - it isn't easy! Now my sister, she got the MIL from heaven and I call her mom as well.

 

[chemgirl]

Okay, so after your talk last night I can only really see two explanations for her behaviour:

1. She has some severe emotional issues that she clearly needs to work on. I'd bet on this one because who makes up having degrees they don't have etc.? Only a really really insecure person would do something like that. Who knows what else she'd invent to manipulate people.

2. She was so upset that she was putting all of her effort in to staying composed. Did you tell your son how you feel about her? Have you ever expressed that you thought he was making a mistake marrying her? Have you described her to your son like you have to us in this thread? If so, he probably told her (since he tells you what she says about you) and she was probably furious about it. Frankly, if this is the case, I don't blame her at all.

Either way I think the best thing you can do is back off and try to be as nice as possible whenever you see her. Things will take their course and the more you push, the more you'll push them both away.

 

[Haven]

Oh ILander, I'm so sorry. This situation is awful, and you must feel all twisted up inside over it.

I think you've gotten a lot of great advice already, and I still believe that if you want to move forward, here, and if your purpose is to have a close relationship with your son, and possibly your DIL, then it is really important to acknowledge how you *might* be coming across to your DIL, intentionally or not.

I agree that the truth must lie somewhere in the middle, here. It's clear that you wanted to make things better the other night, but that isn't what happened. I agree with other posters that your DIL probably felt like you were ganging up on her, and I'm not surprised that she didn't open up in that situation. Neither of you have moved past your hurt feelings, so the time just wasn't right, yet.

(Have you seen the move The Family Stone? One son brings his uptight girlfriend home for the holidays, she is a stark contrast to their family, misunderstandings ensue, feelings are hurt, and the final scene is of the following Christmas where everyone is finally one big happy family. I am reminded of that movie now, and unfortunately you're currently stuck in that first, awful holiday season. The movie does a great job of showing the viewer *both sides* of the coin--we relate to the uptight girlfriend, and see how she is just being misunderstood, but we relate to the mom, as well, and see how she is immensely disappointed with her son's choice in girlfriends.)

These things take time. Moving forward I would do the following:
- Write out a list of what you would like from your son and DIL. Focus on the positive, e.g. Family dinners, a girls-day-out relationship with DIL, see them two times a month, etc. Focus on the positive.
- Make time to talk to your son alone. I really think that he can play a bigger role in fixing this situation, if he wants to. He needs to be the mediator rather than the messenger.
- Make time to talk to your son and DIL alone, and once enough time has passed for everyone to calm down and let the now open wounds heal a bit. Talk to them about what your hopes are for your relationship with them, and don't rehash the past. Asking her about why she doesn't like you, or why she thought you were lying aren't productive. Focus on moving forward, and in order to do that you need to be in a place where you've already forgiven and forgotten about the things that have happened between you in the past. (If you aren't there, don't have the conversation. It's the difference between wanting to be right, and wanting to move on, in my opinion.)

It doesn't matter if you have or have not acted like an attention seeker in the past, and whether she still believes that. It doesn't matter why she believes you faked an illness at their wedding, and whether she accepts your apology. It doesn't matter if she was saying divisive things in your last meeting, and if she can see that she said them or not. All that matters is you are here, right now, with a son, a DIL, and a relationship that isn't what you'd like it to be. You are at an impasse where all of these past hurts and digressions are concerned, so now you need to focus on moving forward and putting these things behind you.

Will you be ready to do this tomorrow? Next week? Next month? I don't know, it may take time. But I assure you, as someone who has been hurt VERY badly by a parent (a birth parent, not an in-law), that once both parties are ready to just move on, then it can happen. Unfortunately, I spent a few years focusing on past digressions and trying to force reconciliations and apologies and even recognition of what has been done, thinking that it was what we needed to move forward. Guess what? It isn't going to happen. You are two people, with two perceptions of what went on, and it's clear from your posts that neither one of you wants to be anything but right about what happened. (Totally natural and OKAY, by the way.) But being right about the past isn't the point--being happy in the now, and moving forward, and creating a future that you can live with is what matters now. Once you are able to drop it and move on, you will. Until then, don't engage in any more discussions, because they will only add to the pile of hurt that you're both sitting on.

This is just my opinion, of course. But I share it with sincere hopes that you can move forward. Good luck.

 

[Rhea]

Haven,
That is a fantastic post. Thank you so much for posting it. I don't have any MIL issues (at least not that I'm aware of!), but it applies to other areas of my life.

Ilander,
I'm so sorry that you and your DIL don't get along. I hope that in time you're both able to move on.

 

[Aoife]

iLander: As I said before, I'm really sorry this has happened to you. It's sad for you, your husband, your daughter, your son, and your new DIL. It just sucks all the way around. You've gotten some advice that is worth thinking about, sorting through and deciding how much, if any of it, applies to your situation. Maybe some of your actions have contributed to the point you're at now, and perhaps not. The truth is, all of us commenting have no idea if the truth lies somewhere in the middle or not. You may be in a situation that is so close, and so painful right now that it's hard for you to tell, yourself. Since only you are privy to the total family dynamic, including past history with your son, anyone else is giving advice in kind of a vacuum, me included.

I will throw one additional thought out there. It is certainly possible that your DIL is as hostile, unstable and manipulative as some of your posts make her sound. Time will tell. If that turns out to be true, one of the hardest things for you to deal with is going to be what a couple of other posters touched on in their own past experiences: It is very hard for outsiders (friends, family, forum members) who haven't experienced teh crazy in their own lives to believe that you may not be, somehow, bringing all this bad stuff on yourself. By all means keep an open mind, and do whatever you can to forge a healthy relationship with your DIL, but there certainly are people in the world who will not rest until they have made you as miserable as they possibly can, and who are masters of presenting themselves as the innocent victim. And until the BFF, family member, or forum friend sees it IRL, they may not "get it."

 

[zhuzhu]

I honestly do not see evidence of anybody acting like "monster".

From the way the stories were told, it is evident that two newly-connected family members are confused about their relationship. One is asking for a stronger bond that the other is not ready to reciprocate. One is extending her heart out to the other while the other gets nervous a the prospect of "instant closeness". One is a believer in "talking will resolve all misunderstandings" and the other is skeptical of everything she hears. One wants to bandage all that is imperfect and the other just wants to wait and see, and re-assess on her own terms.

Neither of the women has figured the needs of the other out, and neither understands how to successfully move forward with each other.

I really don't see any "real" toxic personalities at play here. It is really simply crashing of personalities and differing problem-handing/communication style that is at play. I am hopeful that the situation will improve with time, provided that everyone allows everyone else to be comfortable in their own timeline.

There are already lots of great advices here on the things that iLander may try is she wants to. I think time and space will be important for her DIL to come around, but there is no reason iLander can not spend time with her son for mother-son time in the mean time. Of course as suggested before, iLander, don't share your negative opinions about your DIL with your son as it will surely backfire.

I am sorry for all the hurt you have felt, I am confident that you are a wise and understanding MIL that your kindness will melt your DIL's guarded heart very soon.

 

[JewelFreak]

Darlin' iLander -- no, you aren't a drama queen & you haven't done anything wrong. You are a good girl & the kind of MIL anybody would kill to have.

This is no clash of personalities. Unless you've seen this kind of person, you don't recognize it in its extremity. Only through experience do you know it -- I'm old enough to be your mother, iLander, & have been through this mill before.

This new wife of your son's is exactly like my SIL & it hurts me for you to go through what my mother did. The whole situation is the same, with your son taking his marching orders from her. Unfortunately, she's going to be a problem that you may not be able to fix. Her story will always be how badly she's been treated in life by the thoughtless selfish people surrounding her -- a lot of that will be made up, the rest way exaggerated.

DIL sees your family as some sort of competition. It's a narcissistic outlook, possibly born of extreme inferiority & fear. You can't fix her, no one can. She is how she is, the reason immaterial. The more you try to reach her, the more ammunition you give her to twist your attempts into "attacks" for your son's benefit. Some men let their wives mold their viewpoints; it's a weird thing. My SIL, over 35 yrs, has convinced my bro that our parents neglected him to the point of abuse & that his childhood was miserable -- all 180 degrees from the truth. That kind of weakness is a tragedy for the families who love these guys.

I have 2 suggestions: 1) Stop discussing the wedding, stop apologizing. It only keeps the subject going. Be nice to her & keep the door open emotionally for your son -- if he's lucky, he may need you & DH (communication between men often works better). Unfortunately there will be more issues -- she will need them to drive that wedge between your son & you -- when they occur, tell your son simply & quietly something like, "You were there. You heard everything. Inside, you know what's true." Period. No more discussion. 2) Find a DOWN-TO-EARTH shrink or counselor, with a lot of experience, for a couple of sessions. You may receive ideas on how to keep lines open w/your son and how to give yourself mental peace. I wish my mother had done that.

It's a hard situation, honey. The best you can hope for is that DS will eventually see the light & get sick of the bitch. And you will be there when he does.

--- Laurie

 

[zhuzhu]

Interesting.

I see that hearing others' family stories "really" bring out all the strong feelings that were hidden in each of our own hearts (including myself)!

May we all keep in mind that there are A LOT of information about all family members and their interactions that we simply just don't know.... At the end of the day (years), ILander will still be this woman's MIL and she will still be her DIL. Let us not divide them any more than necessary.....

 

[LGK]

iLander, I haven't quite finished the last few posts here, but I did just want to say that I feel for you. I think there are some people that just are just big sucking black holes; not a huge percentage of folks out there, thank god, but they have an uncanny knack for finding people who they can control and suck from. I think how you've described your son- sweet, somewhat naive/inexperienced with women- he sounds like *exactly* the sort of guy who would attract a woman like that and not know the warning signs. Especially if there's something else about him that would be an added incentive, as it were, like looks/good job etc.

Anyway. I don't think there's a dang thing you can do at this point, which it sounds like you've realized too . Which is really just hell, I know. But when you get saddled with a batsh!t insane family member? The best thing you can do is be polite, quiet, and minimize contact. (As unfortunately I've learned from experience with any number of them, not necessarily in-laws either.) I'd stop trying to be this chick's friend, or new mom, or anything, and just keep a distance. I just don't think she's going to open up anytime soon.

As for your son, unfortunately the ball's in his court- hopefully he won't let her take utter control of his life (like I'm sure she wants to) and cut you off from him. But further friendly prodding at his wife is going to probably result in a bigger rift, which is the last thing you want. I'd just try to keep in touch with him and minimize contact with his new wife.

Maybe she'll grow up over the years. She sounds extremely adolescent in her behaviour. I wouldn't count on it though. More likely he'll realize eventually what a mistake he made and divorce her; I just hope for his and your sake it's before they have kids and that it happens sooner rather than later. (My sister took TWELVE YEARS to dump her own personal black hole, and it was painful for everyone to witness that decade, and my mom took 20-some years to realize my dad was insane- quite literally- and there was no fixing him.)

It just sucks to deal with. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You sound like a sweetheart. Of course you lost your temper with her eventually- sure, it isn't awesome when that happens but we have limits, y'know? Sure, it' sucks and it probably didn't help, but I'm really thinking not much would have helped the situation. And even if it made her try to cram a bigger wedge between you, I think she was just waiting for an excuse and would have found one.

Honestly I don't think her dislike of you is personal or really anything you caused yourself. It's all about how she wants ALL of his love for herself and she sees any other relationship your son has as a threat, because she wants all of his attention and affection. And she would have found an excuse to go off on you regardless of what had happened.

Sure, there's probably things you can nitpick over and think "oh, if only I'd tried X, or kept my temper." Forget it. Seriously, you can't change people, only your own reaction to them. I'd try not to take her as personally (as hard as that may be, since you were hoping for a new daughter to love) and let it go as much as you can. I really, really don't think this is your fault. I think all the signs in your posts point to it being some inherent (and very unhealthy) personality trait she has, that isn't gonna be fixable by you. You can't even tell your son that you are worried about him really, not without playing into her plans. I'd just support him however you can- and don't speak against his wife if at all possible- and really hope that the fallout from this crazy b!tch isn't too destructive for him.

What a wretched situation. I'm so sorry you're going through it. I'd seriously have loved to have a MIL like you. I do wonder if anyone who doesn't see a bunch of red flags all over your posts has ever seen this pattern of relationship in it's painful action. I've had to live intimately with at least three extreme examples thereof in my closest family, and your posts, iLander, seem so exactly to fit the patterns I had to see and live with.

 

[sillyberry]

iLander, I'm really sorry you're struggling. It must hurt to want a relationship with someone and feel like they are just stonewalling you and dragging your son down with her.

At the same time, this really feels like one of those PS threads where we could be reading and sympathizing with the poor reserved girl who was attacked and smothered by her MIL, so I honestly don't really know what to say.

The only thing I feel confident in saying is that some perfectly lovely people just wouldn't be comfortable with the kind of relationship you want with your DIL. While a lot of people can't imagine anything better, I probably would be taken aback by suddenly having a "second mother" who wanted to be my gal pal! Perhaps you should be grateful that you have a great daughter to share these things with and instead aim to over time develop a pleasant relationship with your DIL. You've received some great advice here and I hope for the sake of your family that you can reach a reconciliation.

 

[KimberlyH]

I can't imagine that there is no more history than the incident at the wedding. Not pointing fingers, just a series of misunderstandings between to people who clearly have very different expectations about what it means to be in laws. I adored my MIL, she was a fiesty old bat, but if she approached me as you did your daughter-in-law, with so many hopes and expectations pinned on our relationship, I would be taken aback. Relationships take time to form, and all your desires seem to exclude that she may be someone who needs to form friendships slowly, or that she doesn't feel part of the family, or whatever else it may be that she's feeling.

I wouldn't write them off, but I would back off. Send a note on occasion "Thinking of you both", call and invite them for a dinner out. But leave the expectation that you two will be best of friends, or form a mother/daughter relationship out of things.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

I would also ask your daughter to back off for a while. From what you said your DIL felt very attacked by the three of you--your husband, daughter AND you. If you all just backed off and let her be, especially with the holidays coming up she just may feel a bit more relaxed in your presence. I'm not saying it's justified, I'm just saying this maybe is how she feels.

No phone calls or e mails. Just a nice him how are ya when you see them. And no more apologizing for being sick. It happened. You apologized and she's just going to have to move on. And if she brings it up, just tell her you feel you're being "attacked". { }

 

[lliang_chi]

iLander, Very sorry to hear you're going through this. Lots of hugs. I also hope you know that everyone on this thread are all wishing you do not have to go through this ordeal, even if not everyone is saying the things you want to hear. No one wants you to loose your relationship with your son, and it sounds like it's very important to you.

That being said, I agree with Haven, Fiery and a few of the other ladies here. There's really not much you can do about the situation now. It's a bummer that it all went down so badly. But feelings are hurt and you and your family are going to need to respect DS & DIL's space. No pushing them to spend time together, communicate or anything. If having your son in your life is that important to you, you're just going to have to wait. Yes it'll get tiresome and frustrating, but it will never work if you try to square peg them into your life. They're going to have to come on their owns. And until that happens you have to condition yourself and your family to NOT bad-mouth her. THat'll only make it harder for you to let go.

My suggestion, call/email your DS now and apologize for loosing yourself and if DIL felt attacked or un-welcomed. Then tell him that you respect their space and that you'll leave them be.

This is probably the last thing you probably want to hear. And definitely don't feel impelled to take my suggestions. But in case you wanted another perspective I'm adding mine.

Hugs to you. I hope they'll come around soon. Till then you have 6 PS DILs you can hang out with.