My New DIL Thinks I'm a MONSTER

[slg47]

iLander...I am so sorry to hear this...I don't really have anything to add other than what the other posters have said but wanted to offer my support.

 

[Bliss]

Here's another girl who wants to be your DIL!

I'm so sorry you're feeling so much pain and fright over the prospect of losing your son to his new wife. I would be very upset, too. You seem to want nothing but good things for her and for your relationship going forward. I'll bet you want nothing more than to be able to love and be close to your new DIL and being rejected is terribly hurtful and confusing. I'm sorry about all of these things. One day if I have a son, I would feel exactly as you do now.

But then again, do you think no one is listening to what this DIL is saying? She keeps saying she is having a tough time at work. Could she be on the verge of losing her job? She sounds overwhelmed with her own personal issues. She keeps saying that but no one seems to be listening to what she's saying. Some people honestly don't want to be close to other people - even family members - until a lot of time has passed. I know, it sounds crazy! I'm one of those Golden Retriever type people - friendly to all and want to be chums right away. But over time I have learned to respect and even appreciate the more Cat-like personalities. They take longer to warm up and have their own way of doing things... they can be just as loyal and loving but it takes a LOT of time and trust. Do you think she's more like a Cat and you're more like a loving Doggie? A Doggie's "Let's play! Let's love! We'll be friends for life!" style can be veeeery alarming to a Cat! Most people would LOVE LOVE LOVE a MIL like you but there are others who need more time and space to warm up.

I bet for her, hearing you and your DD sob with FIL calling her divisive must have been scary to experience. Two sobbing family members is a big deal - and I'm sure she saw how much pain you two were in. She probably felt guilty and stunned - here are three people in great distress and pain and she is supposedly the cause. It's a lot of emotion to handle over an issue that is not an immediate emergency or death in the family. Although, I am sure you felt like your relationship was in great jeopardy at the time. But for an outsider to the family, I am sure she felt terrible and needed support as well.

You see way more than we do through these isolated incidents. I have no doubt you are correct in your observations and have a right to feel the way you do. But in the end, your son and his marriage suffer the most. When they are home alone together, they probably fight and there is a lot of unresolved tension over this. For the sake of those two, I would back off for now - and do the very best you can to play be "her" rules for now. She is now the most important person in his life... It is heartbreaking if she is trying to tear your relationship apart but in the end... they are grown adults and we as parents aren't entitled to them. We just raise them with all the love we can and hope that they want to be around us... and do our best to love and support them in a way that makes them want to stick around. We can't force ourselves or our will upon them after they grow up. Parenthood can be so heartbreaking, I am sure. I wish I could give you hugs!

 

[decodelighted]

My hunch is that your son is pressuring her to "get over this" before she is really ready to. I mean a GROWN WOMAN just sitting on a sofa refusing to answer a the question "Mac or PC"? She doesn't want to be there in that room with those people. PERIOD. She isn't going to pretend to get along. She isn't going to "play nice" or make normal social overtures. She SHUTS DOWN.

Its a coping mechanism & one that is HARD WIRED. Its not easy to "snap out of" -- like depression or addiction or being a compulsive liar.

Everyone is expecting more of her than she can deliver. Perhaps your son thought he married a different type of woman. Maybe he ignored some of these characteristics out of blind love. (Love'll do that to a person). There's a natural adjustment period that needs to take place & it simply can't happen on your timeline.

My advice is to feel angry. You're entitled to. Wait until you cool off some. And start thinking of this as a process. One that you can contribute to or contaminate as you see fit. It seems hasty to me to "give up" on the "bitch" this quickly ... over a miscommunication that happened at what is clearly a stressful time for many of the people involved. You can't force a flower open w/out killing it in the process. Let it unfold. Ratchet down the rhetoric & foot stamping and name calling and wait. Who knows? She might be gone sooner than you think.

 

[Autumnovember]

I have no words of wisdom But I'll take you as my MIL!

AWWWW, thanks Sparky!

I was SO looking forward to a DIL! I will take you, if this one doesn't work out!

We will go to Sephora together, go try on shoes, bake stuff for the holidays, you can borrow my clothes, I will buy you Fiestaware in the color of your choice, if I see something I think you might like I will buy it for you (keeping the receipt and totally okay with returns), I will send you silly postcards, give you lots of hugs and smooches, listen to YOUR music, lend you my books, make you various pieces of jewelry under your direction, we will shop til we drop, watch old movies together, make popcorn on the stove, make fun of creepy people at the mall . . . well, basically all the stuff I do with my DD.

We will have such a BLAST!!

:::sigh::: may I get in line? I wish I had a MIL that acted that way. Instead, she hates my guts

 

[Autumnovember]

It didn't go well at all.

First she refused to look me in the eye, even when I was apologizing. She just nodded. I figured she was uncomfortable, so I let it go. They handed me the wedding album and i looked through the pictures, happy to see that there were three pictures of our side (out of 40+ pix, her brother-in-law took the pix). I was very complimentary saying that her mom seemed like a very nice person, her sister seemed nice, etc. She just kept looking away, kind of a pissed-off face.

I was in the kitchen and DH said we should clear the air, so we would all feel more comfortable. He said that I wasn't faking it, and what made her think I was? She says that she deals with a lot of lying cheating people at work (she deals with drug addicts) and she can tell when people are lying. What? DH and DD just about had a fit, and explained, in great detail that how sick I really was. They were starting to get pretty mad.

I broke in and asked her what kind of monster does she think I am? I sat down and explained to her that I didn't want to have the same kind of relationship that I had with my MIL. That I didn't want to spend the next 25 years with a pall hanging over every holiday, every birthday, every gathering. That I wanted to take her shopping, try on shoes together, do fun things and have a great relationship. DD was chiming in about how she wanted to get to know her and welcome to the family, and we all want to have fun together. I was basically pleading at this point, telling her a bunch of the awful things my MiL had said to me over the years and saying that I didn't want us to be like that. Want to know what she said?

"I'm not at real open place in my life right now. I've really been busy at work.'

Then DH said that her statement was divisive and she said "This is getting attacky, I have to go". My son said we have to work this out, and asked her to stay.

I said "I just opened up to you . . . " and blinked at her, kind of stunned.

She says, "I'm just so wrung out from work, maybe eventually,"

I swallowed that and said, "Do you think we can work this out?" and she said, pointing at my DH "I'm still smarting from him calling me divisive".

So that's pretty much how it went. We were very vulnerable and open, and she was closed and aloof. She kept trying to leave and kept saying we were attacking her. i think even my son could see her reaction, showing no emotion for anyone else, was a bit strange.

I finally snapped, because DD was crying and told my DIL "You are being incredibly self-centered! Don't you see how you're hurting people?"

and then they left.

My son has really F#@%ed up big time, marrying this bitch.

We all did the best we could, gave it our best shot.

I hope he at least sends us a card when the grandkids are born. I give up.

Just read this. You did everything you could and honestly this girl has some serious internal issues going on and I think that is extremely clear based on how she is behaving and the things that she is saying. Out of curiosity, how long did they date before marrying? For some reason I have this feeling that this type of girl PREYS on guys like your son. After reading your previous posts he seems like he is a really nice guy and this girl takes complete advantage of that and takes complete control of everything/enjoys influencing him. I hope that whatever her problem may be she is able to figure it out, fix it, and eventually get along with you guys. I really wish that my FMIL would have a sit down talk with me and SO so that we could clear the air.

 

[Asu]

Here's another girl who wants to be your DIL!

I'm so sorry you're feeling so much pain and fright over the prospect of losing your son to his new wife. I would be very upset, too. You seem to want nothing but good things for her and for your relationship going forward. I'll bet you want nothing more than to be able to love and be close to your new DIL and being rejected is terribly hurtful and confusing. I'm sorry about all of these things. One day if I have a son, I would feel exactly as you do now.

But then again, do you think no one is listening to what this DIL is saying? She keeps saying she is having a tough time at work. Could she be on the verge of losing her job? She sounds overwhelmed with her own personal issues. She keeps saying that but no one seems to be listening to what she's saying. Some people honestly don't want to be close to other people - even family members - until a lot of time has passed. I know, it sounds crazy! I'm one of those Golden Retriever type people - friendly to all and want to be chums right away. But over time I have learned to respect and even appreciate the more Cat-like personalities. They take longer to warm up and have their own way of doing things... they can be just as loyal and loving but it takes a LOT of time and trust. Do you think she's more like a Cat and you're more like a loving Doggie? A Doggie's "Let's play! Let's love! We'll be friends for life!" style can be veeeery alarming to a Cat! Most people would LOVE LOVE LOVE a MIL like you but there are others who need more time and space to warm up.

I bet for her, hearing you and your DD sob with FIL calling her divisive must have been scary to experience. Two sobbing family members is a big deal - and I'm sure she saw how much pain you two were in. She probably felt guilty and stunned - here are three people in great distress and pain and she is supposedly the cause. It's a lot of emotion to handle over an issue that is not an immediate emergency or death in the family. Although, I am sure you felt like your relationship was in great jeopardy at the time. But for an outsider to the family, I am sure she felt terrible and needed support as well.

You see way more than we do through these isolated incidents. I have no doubt you are correct in your observations and have a right to feel the way you do. But in the end, your son and his marriage suffer the most. When they are home alone together, they probably fight and there is a lot of unresolved tension over this. For the sake of those two, I would back off for now - and do the very best you can to play be "her" rules for now. She is now the most important person in his life... It is heartbreaking if she is trying to tear your relationship apart but in the end... they are grown adults and we as parents aren't entitled to them. We just raise them with all the love we can and hope that they want to be around us... and do our best to love and support them in a way that makes them want to stick around. We can't force ourselves or our will upon them after they grow up. Parenthood can be so heartbreaking, I am sure. I wish I could give you hugs!

I agree with you and with a couple of other girls that are trying to give a vision of what may be the dil point of view.I don't want to be mean,but honestly if I was put in the same situation as she was,with you and your dd crying,your husband telling me I'm divisive and my husband telling me to get over it and not stick up for me and not trying to let his parents know my side of the story,well,let's just say I would not have reacted as well as she did.This girl has issues,but not the ones you are thingking about.I think that she really might have work issues,since she always refer at her work as an excuse.She is probably not a "bitch" and she is probably also not trying to "controlling" your son,who btw is a grown man and should learn to keep his mouth shut on certain things if he don't want drama (like other girls said,if he told you what she said about you,he surely also said her what you and your family said about her).You have your whole family to take your back on this,but she is alone,since even her own husband is not standing for her.She was there alone,feeling attacked by your whole family.I've been there,and it wasn't nice at all,but I had my husband taking my back.when your son told you she wanted to talk about it,she probably wanted to talk to you,with no one else around,not the whole family at hear sight.Also,who knows,maybe she didn't wanted to talk about it anymore 'cause she got that her husband wasn't going to stand up for her.Don't get me wrong,he doesn't need to think that she was right,because she obviously was wrong about your illness,and at home he has every right to talk to her about it and tell her she is really wrong.But when they are with you and your family,no matter what,he needto stand up for her,not leave her alone to face people she still doesn't even know well.Also,I'm sure it's just 'cause you are still angry and all,but it sounds like you are changing the whole "she thinks I'm a monster and I want to clear this up and try to have a good relationship" into a witch hunt where she is the "psycho bitch that is trying to steal our son away from us and doesn't want to have a relationship with us".I'm truly not trying to offend you,and if I did I apologize,but maybe if I put it in this way,you can see why maybe she sees you as a bit of a drama queen?Maybe sometimes if something really upset you,you tend to blow things a bit out of proportion and she had the chanche to witness something in the past that maybe didn't even involved her directly (and this would explain why you don't know where she got this idea),but made her think that you can be a bit of a drama and lead her to believe you would fake a illness?I'm just wondering,'cause the chanches that this girl is really just totally nuts are small,honeslty.She must have got the idea somewhere.Who knows,maybe from something your son told her about you,since he seem to just say everything get said?
I just want to add a last thing.I had something similar happening with my FIL,thankfully not on the wedding,but on my husband bakery.We have a very sticky situation right now,I'm unable to run a buisness and have no interest in doing it,and I've always been very vocal about it,but my inlaws seems to just either don't listen to a word I say,or to just don't care.they are the kind of people who want something done their way,no matter what or who is involved,even if who they involve doesn't want anything to do with it.Anyway,I made the mistake of agree to take part in it 'cause I felt obligated since it's about my husband.I want to help him,but as I said I'm unable to run a buisness,it's really not my thing.I tried,but got worse instead of better,and I was starting to feel phisically ill from the stress.We (my hubby and I) tried for six months to get my fIL to understand that I was done (and I still haven't gotten a complete way out.As soon as I find a job,I will just drop it as a boiling potato),and then that was a morning when I just had to turn my back on my fil while he was talking,and walk away without saying a word,'cause if I did..well,we would probably being on non speaking terms with his parents,and while I would not be saddened,he needs his father help with the bakery,and I know it,so I just chosed the lesser evil.Maybe she did the same.

 

[meresal]

I'm sorry for what you all are going thru.

I have had serious issues with my MIL, ones that have become better since getting married, however I don't think I am in a place to give much advice re: the subject. I am the DIL of a perpetual martyr.

I understand wanting to get together to "clear the air", but IMO, I think that would have been better if it had only been you, your son, and his wife. As someone who does not respond well to multiple accusations at the some time from numerous people (I mean, who does???), I might have done the exact same thing as your DIL in that situation.
If the converstaion wasn't going to result in anything positive, then maybe removing herself from the situation was the best option at that time. I don't really understand why your husband and DD needed to be there? They were not part of the original "problem", and IMO, only act as instigators for you, in this situation. They were not helping open the lines of communication by becoming irate.

When you both are ready (You and DIL), you might try setting up a time for ONLY you to meet with the DIL, and ask your son to be a mediator. I can see how him choosing a side didn't help the situation either. Again, if I were in that situation and was getting it from all sides, I would be tempted to leave as well.

Just another viewpoint.

ETA: Also, I understand that you are upset that they didn't call YOU to see how you were after leaving the wedding... but did you ever think that maybe she/they were upset as well, that you didn't call to ask if they enjoyed celebrating their wedding night?

 

[galeteia]

My hunch is that your son is pressuring her to "get over this" before she is really ready to. I mean a GROWN WOMAN just sitting on a sofa refusing to answer a the question "Mac or PC"? She doesn't want to be there in that room with those people. PERIOD. She isn't going to pretend to get along. She isn't going to "play nice" or make normal social overtures. She SHUTS DOWN.

Its a coping mechanism & one that is HARD WIRED. Its not easy to "snap out of" -- like depression or addiction or being a compulsive liar.

Everyone is expecting more of her than she can deliver. Perhaps your son thought he married a different type of woman. Maybe he ignored some of these characteristics out of blind love. (Love'll do that to a person). There's a natural adjustment period that needs to take place & it simply can't happen on your timeline.

These are my thoughts as well. Having her stare off angrily into space without responding seemed like a sign of her being unwilling to open up under duress. My parents (namely my pseudo life counselling new age claptrap stepfather) tried this tactic on me as a teen, trying to have 'family conferences' where I felt cornered by their demands to confide in them. My only defence when cornered was to shut down just like she did.

I have no doubt she did feel cornered, and emotionally blackmailed by all the crying and the angry comments from your DH. The more you try to force someone to confide/be friends/open up to you, the faster they are going to run the h*ll away in the other direction.

The other thing is, if she works with addicts she's got to be a veteran of people trying to emotionally manipulate her. She may be on high alert, and you (however well intentioned) brought more of the war to her doorstep, in her 'home life' which is supposed to be 'safe'. If I was in her position, based on what you said happened, I would have felt like it was an underhanded attempt to get me to admit to being wrong (even if she is in fact wrong, which I think she is) and to admit to being the 'bad guy', which is DEFINITELY not going to go down well.

Yes, she may be a crazy psycho b*tch who hunted your tender and innocent son down like a rabbit from a helicopter, but I think it's more likely that there have been a series of misunderstandings that have culminated in this fiasco. Cornering her with your family posse to do a guilt throwdown (as she probably sees it) was a misstep.

Also, they are a new couple. Having a MIL who is too eager to be part of a newlywed couple's life is the stuff that sitcoms are made of. Give them some space, because at this point the harder you chase her/them the farther she/they'll run.

I'm sorry that you are enduring this hurtful period, but try to see things from her perspective as well. Don't write her off yet, things may improve in the future. If you have any counselling available, such as through a pastor or a therapist, to help you process what has happened and the possible future if she doesn't come around, I'd say the sooner you can get to it the better. As Deco often says, you can't change others, you can only change yourself. If you are hurting, take steps to work through it, because putting the onus on her to make is better is only going to lead to heartache for yourself.

 

[Cehrabehra]

::sigh::

It is SO EASY to just call her a bitch, tell you we feel sorry for you, pity your son's great mistake...

...it's really really easy to go there.

But, this girl is obviously messed up. She is so closed off she can't even appreciate what you have to offer. And I suspect inside she is crying and the aloof you see is her trying to hold it together. Perhaps even answering simple questions at that moment were just too much for her.

one would hope that in order to marry the two of them (your son and his wife) have shared intimate moments and emotions and he is privy to a world within her that you are not. There are so many reasons why people are closed off and it is possible that the more you try the more closed she will get because it feels like pressure to her - pressure to perform, pressure to be someone she isn't. She could have been raped or molested or have abandonment issues and for whatever reason she doesn't feel safe with you.

This ISN'T about *you*. I know it feels that way... but it is about her. You don't know what is best for her, she may be expressing herself in ways that are illogical to most of us, but whatever is making her tick is something she can't talk about.

She is *avoiding* eye contact. Someone who hates you will make eye contact just fine while they're telling you to stay the eff out of their lives.

Just back up and get some counseling... there is no reason to throw the towel in completely yet. Maybe she hates confrontation... maybe she just needs the whole thing to be ignored until she feels safe.

 

[Gypsy]

I'm in the minority here and that's fine with me. This girl walked into a home with 3 people firing at her. If you wanted to talk things through, it needed to be alone.I had a great relationship with my mil before I had a child. Now she treats me like crap (she treats my daughter wondefully which is why I put up with her bs). Had she done to me what you just did to her, I would have been mortified and hurt. This was not how to handle it. And putting your won in the middle? Wrong, just wrong.

You deal with these situations with your son first and in person. Then you chat with her in private, one on one. I'm mortified for your DIL and sad for your son. You aren't queen bee anymore to him so you need to pick your battles better. Honestly, you do sound like a drama queen of a MIL and I take it that you don't mean to be so time to rethink your approach.

ETA: I'm sure this is all part of learnings but I hope your son learns to never, ever repeat what his wife says to him in private unless she says it's ok (vice versa). He should have never repeated the words "attention ho" to you.

Should have read your post first fiery...woulda saved me some typing.

See now I know when I see a four page post with "DRAMA" all but flashing in neon lights to go look for you T-gal or Deco and see what you say before I type a novel. In this case Fiery speaks for me too. You sound like a drama queen ON HERE in a post (which might be why she might have though you were faking being sick, because maybe in the past you have IN PERSON-- unknowingly-- given the impression that you are prone to drama, don't like her, and she added that up to doubt your illness), and then your whole family attacked this girl and she was trying to handle it best she could alone, since even her husband was calling her divisive. I don't think her reaction was crazy or strange. I think she was trying to be honest while being polite to some very entitled and threatening people in a really bad situation.


I don't (evidence to the contrary) like conflict, and if it's a very personal relationship (for example I don't like one of my SIL) what I do is stay aloof and polite because I have to live with them in my life and I avoid them as possible to avoid stress on me, on my husband, and the possibility of saying something I might regret. This sounds bad all around, so really... I'd just ring the bell and get everyone in their corners and let everyone cool off, then if needed get everyone to family therapy. It sounds like your son and his wife need to figure things out... THEN deal with you. That means you are not first priority at all, and need to wait politiely until they are ready to deal with you. On their schedule, not yours. I really can't stress that enough.

Darn, I just wrote the novel anyway. So... Ditto Fiery and Ditto T-gal.One more thing, people who deal with damaged people have a different perspective than most. Munchhousen (spelling) where people intentionally make people sick, etc exist. And when you see people with problems all the time, sometimes you start to jump at shadows. Plus being a bride is hard, and emotional and NOT rational. Add in a job where you see damaged lying selfish people all the time, and a drama loving mother in law well... it's like a powder keg and it blew.

What REALLY will show what you, your husband, you daughter, your son and your DIL are made of is how you move forward from here. If you can all manage it with amnesty in your hearts and grace and understanding. I think you might be surprised that over time... mutual respect (if not affection) might develop.

But it's gonna take work. And a lot of it will be on your side too.

 

[JewelFreak]

iLander, <<HUGS>> my dear.....I'm very sorry about what you're going through...
Your DIL reminds me a lot of my SIL. We are a very loving and close family, we've always been... Ever since my brother started dating this girl and especially after their engagement, she has been trying to manipulate him and his relations with my parents...She has a...calm, quiet and diabolic way of saying to my brother awful things about my parents, who - by the way - have bought them a home, furnished it, paid for their wedding and the list goes on...By using this approach, she puts her own insane ideas in his mind and makes him think of them all the time. She is poisoning him constantly. The unbelievable thing is that my brother allows her to play with his mind and influence his judgement. That causes tension in his relations with both our parents and makes him extremely unfair towards them. My husband and i have been observing this situation in total astonishment and we're very upset about it. We understand that it won't get much better no matter how much my parents try, because they are already extremely nice and there's nothing more than anybody can do...
My opinion is that both my SIL and your DIL are extremely insecure persons and they feel that if their husbands love their parents and are close to them, their position in the family is not safe...if that makes sense... They want to be in total control of their poor husbands, as if they're not healthy individuals with a life and a family which existed long before they met them... I totally despise this. I am a daughter in law too and my parents in law are extremely close to my husband, even though they have another two children besides him. I never tried to get between them, i find it totally sick and unfair...My husband is also in excellent terms with my parents and doesn't understand at all what is the SIL's problem....
In my opinion, your DIL doesn't seem like a good person who has any intention whatsoever to get along with you. On the contrary, i'm afraid that she'd rather take you out of their life and not see you ever again (i'm sorry to say that, but this is the way i see it...). I believe that you should have a private discussion with your son and tell him that you will always have the best intentions towards his wife and your home will always be open for her, but if she insists you can't do anything to force her...and you should tell him that after giving birth to him, raising him and loving him for all those years, you deserve at least to have him in your life and be able to see him every now and then, because you can't imagine your life without your him...
Nobody has the right to do this to a family... Good luck my dear...

This is what I meant to say, only much more tactful than I was! You've gotten advice all over the map & in the end should only behave in a way that's true to your values -- and I'm sure that will be with caring & love for your son, and his wife if she'll accept it.

The best thing, to my mind, is to be nice to her, avoid anything that could be interpreted as criticism (not easy, I know) and not to reach out to her without your son present, so he sees for himself, rather than relies on what she tells him. I'm not sure raising it with DS anymore would serve much purpose but if he brings anything up, natyLad's suggestion that you say you raised him & love him, want only his happiness -- and point out that in his lifetime you were never a mean ole witch & have not now suddenly changed personality -- & ask that he remember that. I'm so sorry you're facing this at a time when you hoped for a new bright family! Maybe it will ease up in time. Hang in there, iLander, & don't give up. You're the best.

--- Laurie

 

[Tuckins1]

Ilander- I just re-read and caught up on this thread. I am so sorry that you are in this position. You are in danger of alienating you son because of the way his wife treats you. (Totally not your fault- even if you had made mistakes in the past, you have clearly made an effort to make amends.) Your son should also realize that he is not making things better by repeating hateful things to you. (BTW- if DH ever said those kinds of things about my mother, true or not, he would be VERY sorry... Not cool to disrespect someone's mother like that.) I really hope that you are able to be the bigger person and "let it go" so that at least you can still have a good relationship with your son. Hugs for you!!

 

[redfaerythinker]

I know i'm coming into this thread really late, but here goes.

I am so sorry that you are in this situation, but at the risk of making you more upset, here is the relationship that I have with my future MIL.

I come from an extremely small family. I am an only child, I have a mother, a grandmother, a grandfather, and a great-aunt. That's it, four people. The biggest family gathering might have had ten people total, but that was when I was a young child. We are a very reserved group of people, we don't show big displays of affection, etc. I also suffer from social anxiety disorder. I am essentially afraid of people, but the first hour or so, and the last hour or so are the worst for me. I just don't know what to do with myself. This is true even with my own family. I am marrying into a HUGE, boisterous family with ( to me) little, to no social graces or tact. They bully my FI because he is "the weak member of the herd", they will berate him in front of me. FI also let it slip once that they believe that I am cold, heartless, and emotionless. This was because I would not cry in front of them when my father died.

Now, this has all made me even more reserved with them, because I am terrified to make a move. I just don't understand their family, as it is entirely different from my own. Shy people frequently come across as aloof and stuck-up. I know I tend to, but i'm just too insecure to speak up. I make a miserable first impression because of that fact. This has made my relationship with my future MIL strained. She is a very nice person, but due to things that have happened in the past, I keep myself apart. Why would I put myself in a situation where I feel uncomfortable.

If I had been your DIL at that dinner, I would have felt attacked purely by having to be there. The whole evening would have made me shut down, and made me panic. Panicking people rarely make much sense.

As far as the wedding album and facebook goes, I personally rarely even put my own parents on my FB. I would probably never even think of putting my in-laws on my page. Never would have crossed my mind. And the wedding album is the same. There would be a couple pics, but the majority would be of me, DH, and my family. Like it or not, she has had 24 years to learn to love her family. She's only had about a year or so of you.


I doubt that this makes much sense, she may actually be a psycho bitch. But I see many parallels between your situation and mine, and I know i'm not a psycho. Give her time, from now on, treat every gathering as a clean slate. Be friendly, but don't push. Over time, given her own space, she will hopefully come around. Unfortunately I agree with previous posters, you have now done more harm than good. I wish you luck, and I am again sorry.

 

[dragonfly411]

Ilander - I'm very sorry for what you are going through. I don't have a lot of advice to offer, it sounds like your new DIL has issues with letting people in. I'd probably just explain to your son that you feel like she isn't giving you any kind of chance, and kill them both with kindness from here. It sounds as though she is a bit manipulative, but if he loves her and is fixated on being with her there is not a lot you can do to change it.

 

[princesss]

iLander, I'm going to have to go with Deco, TGal, zhuzhu, and fiery on this one. It sounds like you two just want a very different relationship. I dated a guy that I thought I was going to marry for about 5.5 years - I loved his family, but I did not think of them as my own family at all, and don't think I ever would have. I didn't want to have coffee dates and shopping trips and things with his mom. I have a mom, and she's amazing. Our relationship had to be something different, and I don't know that I would have been comfortable with the kind of relationship you're describing.

She works with addicts, you said? So she's used to having people try to emotionally manipulate her, and use guilt to try to control her. No wonder she didn't react well to the dinner/conversation you were trying to have. She's used to people trying to manipulate her, and something triggered in her brain that the same thing was happening in her personal life.

But the good thing? She came to dinner. For whatever reason, she put in the effort. She and your son need to get their marriage in order, and he needs to stop passing messages back and forth. You're adults in charge of your own relationship, and once you've both cooled off from this, you can try again. You also will probably have to redefine your expectations - MIL/DIL does not have to be all or nothing. There are a variety of levels this relationship could take. Am I remembering right that you had MIL issues? Maybe you're trying *too* hard to force the relationship you wanted with your MIL onto your DIL. Not everybody wants to be buddy buddy with their MIL, and that's okay. And it's okay if your son is spending less time with your family - he has his own family now, and he needs to focus on that.

Best of luck. I really think that if you're willing to reevaluate and accept some responsibility for the way this situation is right now and some responsibility in how to fix it, you'll be okay.

 

[TravelingGal]

iLander, my bottom line advice is this...

Back off, be civil, and just don't say much going forward. Do the basic holidays, but that's it.

If she's a nutter, their marriage will not have much of a chance, and you can stay back knowing you had nothing to do with it.

If their marriage does well, then it probably needed some space from you and you should be happy that in the end, your son is happy.

 

[that_someone_special]

I agree with TGal (first time ever..) and other like minded posters.

So, your DIL didn't like you.. well now she also doesn't like your daughter and husband. I would just back away.

 

[MonkeyPie]

Who knows? She might be gone sooner than you think.

This.

Motherly love is unique in that it rarely ever fails, even when your children are cruel to you. So of course you will be upset and want to fix it and make everything better. In this case, you can't. Now is the time to step away - if your son loves you, HE will find a way to fix it. And trust me, even if the "shine" is still blinding him and this woman really is a bitch, that shine will tarnish eventually, and he will see the truth.

 

[iLander]

I read through all your posts, and I appreciate the advice and sympathy and the all the perspective of DILs and MILs. It's all been very helpful. I wasn't going to post again, since this is more than enough drama. But then something happened that really floored me:

My DH got a text from my DS

"we are not coming to thanksgiving unless you apologize"

I would like to note that my DH's last words to them were pleading "Let's not do this to (DS), he's the real victim here."

I give up, I'm not superhuman.

Let's just leave it there.

 

[dragonfly411]

Sorry, this was supposed to go to random comments. Carry on.

 

[Scarabnight]

I text them back that you have apologized, more than once!

 

[TravelingGal]

I read through all your posts, and I appreciate the advice and sympathy and the all the perspective of DILs and MILs. It's all been very helpful. I wasn't going to post again, since this is more than enough drama. But then something happened that really floored me:

My DH got a text from my DS

"we are not coming to thanksgiving unless you apologize"

I would like to note that my DH's last words to them were pleading "Let's not do this to (DS), he's the real victim here."

I give up, I'm not superhuman.

Let's just leave it there.

iLander, am I reading this correctly that your DH said to both your DS and your DIL that your DS is the "victim?"

Your DS' text is perplexing to me. There is something more going on than a potentially nasty DIL. And I can't put my finger on it...

Either way, I hope this doesn't ruin your thanksgiving....

 

[blueiris]

I read through all your posts, and I appreciate the advice and sympathy and the all the perspective of DILs and MILs. It's all been very helpful. I wasn't going to post again, since this is more than enough drama. But then something happened that really floored me:

My DH got a text from my DS

"we are not coming to thanksgiving unless you apologize"

I would like to note that my DH's last words to them were pleading "Let's not do this to (DS), he's the real victim here."

I give up, I'm not superhuman.

Let's just leave it there.

Gah. I'm sorry.

I'll come for Thanksgiving! I think you and your family sound great.

And I stand by what I said before: No matter what you supposedly "did" or how your DIL might be in terms of not wanting a relationship with you and your family, etc., it is NOT okay (with me) that she would just sit there like a lump and not even acknowledge that you were talking to her. I can understand why she wouldn't want to say much when it was the whole group and she said she felt "attacked", and I can understand how she could have felt a little "ganged up on" at that point - but before, when it was just the two of you? No. It doesn't take anything beyond common courtesy to respond in some way and the fact that she didn't says an awful lot about her lack of respect and even just MANNERS. I don't care if she thinks you should be in the Guinness Book of World Records for Drama Queen of the Century; you are the mother of her husband and she should have been, at the least, courteous.

ETA: Just wanted to add that even though I don't think you've done anything intentionally wrong, my guess is that this girl will never, ever see your side of things and will continue to use this (and anything else) to drive a wedge between you. And so, if you do want a relationship with your son and by extension your DIL (and any future grandchildren), then you probably will have to be the bigger person. If you want them there for Tgiving, I'd apologize without going into any details (just a simple, "We're sorry") and then I'd be civil and nice and polite but that's all. I wouldn't bring any of this up again, and I'd move on as best I could. I'd be very wary in the future of extending myself to this girl, but that's me. You may feel different and time may ease things, too.

 

[Steel]

I read through all your posts, and I appreciate the advice and sympathy and the all the perspective of DILs and MILs. It's all been very helpful. I wasn't going to post again, since this is more than enough drama. But then something happened that really floored me:

My DH got a text from my DS

"we are not coming to thanksgiving unless you apologize"

I would like to note that my DH's last words to them were pleading "Let's not do this to (DS), he's the real victim here."

I give up, I'm not superhuman.

Let's just leave it there.[/quote]

Do you want to leave this thread at that? Say if you do or you will still get replies - heck you might get them anyway.

So here is mine: Apologise. Suck it up. You were a bit of a meanie pants in your outburst so suck it up.

 

[Steel]

I read through all your posts, and I appreciate the advice and sympathy and the all the perspective of DILs and MILs. It's all been very helpful. I wasn't going to post again, since this is more than enough drama. But then something happened that really floored me:

My DH got a text from my DS

"we are not coming to thanksgiving unless you apologize"

I would like to note that my DH's last words to them were pleading "Let's not do this to (DS), he's the real victim here."

I give up, I'm not superhuman.

Let's just leave it there.

iLander, am I reading this correctly that your DH said to both your DS and your DIL that your DS is the "victim?"

Your DS' text is perplexing to me. There is something more going on than a potentially nasty DIL. And I can't put my finger on it...

Either way, I hope this doesn't ruin your thanksgiving....

TGal : I suspect iLander posted a typo, it should have read "Let's not do this to (DS), She's the real victim here."
Saying her DH was talking to his DS that iLander is the victim.

Is that right?

ETA: No, I think I am wrong. The DS bit was in place of his name. So it was that their DS was piggy in the middle between his mom and wife.

 

[dragonfly411]

I read it as DH telling DIL that DS is becoming the real victim because he is caught in the middle of the sour behavior.

 

[chemgirl]

I read through all your posts, and I appreciate the advice and sympathy and the all the perspective of DILs and MILs. It's all been very helpful. I wasn't going to post again, since this is more than enough drama. But then something happened that really floored me:

My DH got a text from my DS

"we are not coming to thanksgiving unless you apologize"

I would like to note that my DH's last words to them were pleading "Let's not do this to (DS), he's the real victim here."

I give up, I'm not superhuman.

Let's just leave it there.

Perfect example of something that can be taken really negatively by your DIL. It suggests that she's victimizing her husband...its easy for her to jump to the conclusion that you guys are vilanizing her.

I know that wasn't the intention, but it can be taken that way.

Probably best for you to apologize, let things cool off, and then stick to pleasant smalltalk.

 

[TravelingGal]

I read through all your posts, and I appreciate the advice and sympathy and the all the perspective of DILs and MILs. It's all been very helpful. I wasn't going to post again, since this is more than enough drama. But then something happened that really floored me:

My DH got a text from my DS

"we are not coming to thanksgiving unless you apologize"

I would like to note that my DH's last words to them were pleading "Let's not do this to (DS), he's the real victim here."

I give up, I'm not superhuman.

Let's just leave it there.

Gah. I'm sorry.

I'll come for Thanksgiving! I think you and your family sound great.

And I stand by what I said before: No matter what you supposedly "did" or how your DIL might be in terms of not wanting a relationship with you and your family, etc., it is NOT okay (with me) that she would just sit there like a lump and not even acknowledge that you were talking to her. I can understand why she wouldn't want to say much when it was the whole group and she said she felt "attacked", and I can understand how she could have felt a little "ganged up on" at that point - but before, when it was just the two of you? No. It doesn't take anything beyond common courtesy to respond in some way and the fact that she didn't says an awful lot about her lack of respect and even just MANNERS. I don't care if she thinks you should be in the Guinness Book of World Records for Drama Queen of the Century; you are the mother of her husband and she should have been, at the least, courteous.

I do generally agree that these days, manners and respecting your "elders" seems to have gone more and more by the wayside. However, I think that her way of shutting down COULD have been her way of showing manners and respect. I know people who have tempers who just shut down, otherwise they can get really nasty.

The MIL/DIL dynamic is an interesting one. Often each seems to perceive the other as a threat, and it colors interaction. Maybe because every wife was introduced (usually) as just a girlfriend and usually mom has her standards way up there...kind of a tough obstacle to hurdle if the girlfriend isn't going to go the extra mile to be understanding of it.

God, the LOOKS I got from TGuy's grandma when I first met them. I was scared to death having never met a matriach type figure. Now she's just my favorite, but I worked extra hard not to make any missteps with her...

 

[TravelingGal]

I read through all your posts, and I appreciate the advice and sympathy and the all the perspective of DILs and MILs. It's all been very helpful. I wasn't going to post again, since this is more than enough drama. But then something happened that really floored me:

My DH got a text from my DS

"we are not coming to thanksgiving unless you apologize"

I would like to note that my DH's last words to them were pleading "Let's not do this to (DS), he's the real victim here."

I give up, I'm not superhuman.

Let's just leave it there.

Perfect example of something that can be taken really negatively by your DIL. It suggests that she's victimizing her husband...its easy for her to jump to the conclusion that you guys are vilanizing her.I know that wasn't the intention, but it can be taken that way.

Probably best for you to apologize, let things cool off, and then stick to pleasant smalltalk.

That's what I meant, thanks for clarifying for me.

 

[Aoife]

I read through all your posts, and I appreciate the advice and sympathy and the all the perspective of DILs and MILs. It's all been very helpful. I wasn't going to post again, since this is more than enough drama. But then something happened that really floored me:

My DH got a text from my DS

"we are not coming to thanksgiving unless you apologize"

I would like to note that my DH's last words to them were pleading "Let's not do this to (DS), he's the real victim here."

I give up, I'm not superhuman.

Let's just leave it there.

For what exactly are you supposed to apologize? And this was sent to you via a text message? No doubt sent with the DIL supervising the sending of it. I don't think standing back and waiting for the DIL and your son to come around is going to work.

Here's a thought: Just to clear all real or imagined grievances off the table, consider making an apology (NOT in a text message, perhaps in a nice handwritten card) in as sincere a manner as you can manage, simple, straightforward and unambiguous. No details, excuses, or rehashing. Send it off, follow up with a phone call to your son to make sure he knows it's on its way (DIL can't read it first and trash it), and then the ball is in their/her court. It may not be enough to clear the air, but at least you will have tried. Then don't keep apologizing. A simple "I've apologized, it was very sincerely meant, and that's the best I can do" attitude may work, endless re-hashing, accusations and counteraccusations are fatal.

Worth a try anyway, because honestly, this is your son you're talking about: I have a hard time believing you really are going to be able to give up.